The Bills Make Me Sad

That is all.

I've Got That Sinking Feeling

I'm trying not to panic after the Bills received their first full-fledged ass-whooping at the hands of the Jets last Sunday, but that game felt like the beginning of the end for the 2011 Buffalo Bills. The offense couldn't do a damned thing against that Jets defense, and the Buffalo defense could only stop the Jets when Dirty Sanchez fucked up. They've been demolished the last three games against the Jets, and play them again in two weeks. To think I once thought they could earn a split against them this year. *sigh*.

Now it's onto Dallas and the horrific childhood memories of Super Bowls XXVII & XXVIII. Needless to say (but I will still say it), I FUCKING HATE DALLAS, and their years of futility that have largely coincided with the Bills' own has brought me at least some comfort. You bet your sweet ass I was ecstatic when Romo dropped that snap in Seattle, or threw that INT against the Giants a couple years ago. If only the fuckbuckets around here that jumped onto the Cowboys' bandwagon in the mid-90s were still there, I would have been able to enjoy the schaudenfreude even more.

This feels like a game where Buffalo will give a good effort, and possibly force some mistakes from Romo, but then cave and allow a last minute game winning drive by the Cowboys, and then the NFL analysts will be able to talk about the Good Romo for a week. Although I'm not fond of the Nantz/Simms pairing (not only do they suck, but the Bills seem to lose just about every time they get a network's "A" team to cover their game), it's still preferable to the insufferable Aikman/Buck FOX team (Buck wasn't in the booth for Bills/Redskins, so they were saved from choking away that game), and although I'd feel slightly better about this game if it were in Buffalo, I don't know if I'd want to sit through the 30 video packages FOX would be sure to air of Aikman lighting up the Bills in the two Super Bowls, because FOX is run by assholes. I'm slightly amazed that we only got one replay of Noorwood missing the field goal at the end of Super Bowl XXV last week, as Noorwood was being honored by the team at halftime (another sure sign the Bills are going to lose at home: someone is being honored at halftime).

I can see the Bills keeping this game close, but then a fatal error or five will allow Dallas to either win it late if they're behind, or pull away late if they're ahead. Then I'll feel like a child preparing to take a shower knowing Jerry Sandusky is lurking somewhere until next Sunday.

Too soon?

P.S. I am so glad Penn State lost today. Everytime I find myself second-guessing my newfound hatred for them, there's a near-riot with dumbasses chanting for JoePa, or I find out the team was planning to deliver a game ball to the old man if they had won. Fuck Joe Paterno and fuck Penn State.



Bills VS Jets: The Rivalry That Isn't

This is weird. This Bills-Jets game is being built as the biggest game between the two in a long time, but the thing is...it might be the biggest regular reason game between the two teams ever.

Even though they've been in the same division since the inception of the AFL, this has rarely felt like any kind of rivalry. I was really struggling to come up with something to write about for this game, despite it being the BIGGEST BILLS GAME EVER (since week 3), and I couldn't figure out why. Then, I tried doing some research into past big/memorable Bills-Jets game, and inadvertantly found out why this rivalry doesn't really exist. Mainly, it's because the Bills and Jets are rarely any good at the same time. Only four times out of 51 completed seasons have the two teams had a winning record at the same time, and they've only played one playoff game, with the Bills beating the Jets 31-27 in a 1981 Wild Card game. That was the Bills' first playoff win since they won back-to-back AFL titles in the 1960s, and it was almost thirty years ago, before I was even born.

My Bills-Jets memories consist of Kelly's Bills owning the Jets, some shitty Bills teams pulling late-season upsets against playoff-bound Jets teams, Drew Bledsoe's first game as a Bill, which saw them lose to the Jets when they gave up a kick return TD in overtime, Dirty Sanchez and Ryan Fitzpatrick playing to see who could fuck up worse in 2009 (Sanchez "won" that battle), and the Jets killing the Bills twice last season, the first time with me in attendance at the Ralph.

I just can't hate the Jets...yet. I have a good friend who is a Jets fans, and the last couple years, they've been my adopted team come playoff time. I was stoked when they knocked off the Patriots last year, largely because I FUCKING HATE THE PATRIOTS. I love the KissingSuzyKolber posts featuring Rex Ryan and members of the Jets. I can't hate them yet, but if this game goes down to the wire, and the Bills lose then I will be PISSED. If the Bills lose again in New Jersey later this month, I will be fucking raging and ready to kill. I obviously don't want that to happen. I'd much rather the Bills win both games and make a serious run at making the playoffs for the first time since the "Music City Miracle" in 1999.

Would I love it if the Bills won 51-0? Of course. Would I be ecstatic if Marcell Dareus pulled Dirty Sanchez's arm off and beat him over the head with it? ABSOLUTELY. But, until something changes, this isn't a rivalry, unless you want to count commentators on the ESPN AFC East blog constantly noting that the Jets and Giants play in New Jersey, making the Bills the only team that plays in New York State.

I would like for that to change, but for now, I'll settle for a Bills win, and Bills & Jets fans going back to mutually despising the Patriots.

They Better Damn Well Win This One

So the Bills are coming off their bye week, and will do battle against the now-slumping Washington Redskins at home in Toronto. First off, I want to say, I fucking hate the Toronto series. The home-field advantage is gone, the crowds have been largely disinterested, and worst of all, Buffalo has yet to win one of these things in the regular season. This was born out of the Bills' front office apparent belief that it's easier to sell a crappy team to other markets to make the team a more "regional" team, than it is to build a contending team that people will want to pay good money to travel to Orchard Park to see. Unfortunately, with the agreement ending soon, it looks like it will be extended. Hooray! They won't even make the game at the right time (in the middle of winter, when no one in their right mind wants to sit in a wind chill of 0 degrees and watch a shitty team), and against the right opponent (I actually don't mind one of the NFC home games being the chosen game, but they have given up divisional home games twice so far). Fuck this series. The Bills were setting attendance records in the early 90's, and will still sell out if there is a glimmer of hope, or if the other team's fans travel well. Bills fans will sell out the stadium for almost anything, except a 3-11 team in mid-December.

Back to this weeks' game. The Redskins are now down their top running back and top wide receiver. The Bills will be missing Kyle Williams, who has done jack shit this season because of a foot injury that will likely keep him out the rest of the season. Here's a shock, the Bills placed Shawne Merriman on IR yesterday, right after Merriman was saying he expected to play this week. I guess the PEDs don't work as well as they used to.

This game scares me, if for no other reason than the Bills are the Bills, and could lose to anyone in the league at any time. The Bills have no pass rush, except for a little bit from the Legend Killer Arthur Moats and Marcell Dareus, who hasn't quite figured out how to tackle QBs yet. The secondary is terrible. The run defense will stuff three or four runs in a row, then give up a 20+ yarder. I don't know who will be starting at QB for the 'Skins, but I think I would prefer John Beck, as Good Rex would probably carve up the Bills' secondary, even missing his top receiver. On the other side of the ball, the Bills have no real deep threat, and as evidenced by the game against the Giants, Fitzpatrick's deep ball accuracy is... pretty damned shitty. When the ball goes beyond twenty yards in the air, it's a total crap shoot as to what's going to happen. If Buffalo's offensive game plan is anything other than a metric fuckton of The Underrated Fred Jackson, then someone needs to be looking for a new job Monday morning.

I honestly don't know much about the Redskins, and only have history to look back on, such as Super Bowl XXVI, and the game a few years ago right after Sean Taylor died, and Joe Gibbs helped make the game-winning field goal easier by getting called for unsportsmanlike conduct for calling two "icing the kicker" timeouts in a row (although to be fair, Rian Lindell did make the kick that would have counted has Gibbs not called the second timeout). On that note, are coaches still doing the "wait until right before the snap, then call a timeout" move on potential game winning/tying field goals that works maybe 5% of the time? I haven't noticed it this season, and I hope it's one of those trends that has died out.

I expect the Bills to come out fast. They NEED this game to keep some buzz about them, and keep pace in the playoff race. They've lost two-of-three since starting 3-0, with both games being very winnable. The Redskins are looking like they are on a downward slope. I think the Bills need to jump on Washington early, getting a score or two off turnovers. If they let the Redskins hang around, I have some faith in Fitzpatrick to lead a game-winning drive, but I have ZERO faith in the Bills' defense to prevent one.

I expect this game to be boring as shit, with a dead crowd, and crappy FOX commentating. Think of it as the NFL equivalent of a Divas match.

Of Giants, Bills and Drama®

Don't make me twist, motherfucker..

So, the Giants. They managed to hang on and pull this contest out their ass. Honestly, I didn't give them a chance and was very thankful it wasn't broadcast in my city. (FYI: I actually live in no man's land but am forced to suffer through 49er and Raider games, because the local affiliates request them. Yeah. That's a big fucking rant in itself..remind me sometime..) But they won and with the Deadskins appalling loss to the Eagles, Big Blue goes into the bye week sitting alone atop the NFC East.

The Giants game plan was simple: don't turn the ball over. Eli did his part by completing 21-32 to his own receivers (for once) and avoiding sacks. Ahmad Bradshaw, who was essentially the entire running game with Brandon Jacobs sidelined, pounded out 104 yards and three TDs. Big Blue also managed to not fumble and took advantage of Bills mistakes, especially two DPIs and a flagrant facemask. It wasn't all good: the Gmen still committed 79 yards worth of penalties and the defense struggled in the first half, giving up a shittacular amount of yardage and two TDs. But a win is a win. I'll take it.

The rest of the Giants schedule is intimidating..they still have to play at NE, SF, NO and DAL. They get GB at home, at least. But their inconsistent play and all the injuries that are stacking up make me nervous about the remainder of the season. Ok, fuck nervous. Scared. There. I said it.

On a non-Giants-related side note: while Jim Schwartz's postgame tantrum was a bit undignified, the drama stirred up by the sports media was even worse. It's was not a "fracas" and it was not a "scuffle between teams". It was a passionate coach taking a loss a little too hard. And now it's over. STFU about it, please and talk about shit that actually matters. Like Dallas losing again.

Why I am Optimistic the 2011 Buffalo Bills will not become the 2008 Buffalo Bills, and why I'm not banking on the playoffs until the moment they clinch.

Hello, I am Newb, and I am a Bills fan. Usually that type of introduction is reserved for a meeting at a 12 step program, and marking yourself as a Bills fan on the internet gets you at best compassion from fans of fellow crappy teams, or at worst derision and scorn from Massholes. However, this season the Bills are shocking everyone with their 4-1 start, and, if the season ended today, they would be the #1 seed in the AFC (oh why can't the season end today?). A lot of Bills fans are completely ecstatic, but I would say most are cautiously optimistic. I mean, we're BILLS fans, and if you've been a Bills fan for long, you're used to getting kicked in the nuts at the most inopportune time.

Hell, it was only three years ago when the Bills started 4-0, then 5-1. The reaction from the league was similar to this year's squad: a good story, but let's see them keep it going. That team couldn't quickly hitting a long losing streak and finishing up 7-9. That season is certainly in the back of everyone's minds, and while I think the Bills could actually beat just about anyone this year, they could also lose to just about anyone this year. I do think they have a much better chance of FINALLY ending the playoff drought than the 2008 team did, for the following reasons:

1. Ryan Fitzpatrick > Trent Edwards & J.P. Losman

Fortunately, the Bills will not have this goober behind center, ready to fuck everything up.

Two seasons ago, I thought the only differences between Fitz and Edwards were that Fitz had some chemistry with T.O., and would occasionally throw long incompletions/interceptions, rather than short incompletions/interceptions. Holy shit do I appear to be wrong.

To be fair, Edwards was actually having a decent season, until the Bills went to Arizona, and Edwards suffered a near-fatality at the hands of Eugene Wilson. Some like to say that he was never the same after that, but the truth is, he simply revered to what he was before; a crappy game manager that took no risks and infuriated everyone by doing shit like checking down for a 3 yard dump off on 3rd and 14. Fuck Trent Edwards. The Bills drafted him because he was recommended to short-term GM Marv Levy by the late Bill Walsh, despite not winning a single game his senior year at Stanford. Oh, and he wasn't accustomed to playing in cold climates. *sigh*

That last caveat also pertained to the man Edwards took the job from, USFL superstar J.P. Losman. A "WTF?" pick when it was made, Losman could throw a pretty long ball once per game, but other than that, made TRENT FUCKING EDWARDS look competent. Think about that.

Back to Fitz. There's something about him. Whether it's his intelligence (hey, did you know he went to HARVARD? I wonder why no one ever mentions this), or the fact that he doesn't appear to piss himself under the slightest bit of pressure like his two predecessors, The Amish Rifle has captured the imagination of Bills fans like no one since Doug Flutie. This is nice, but not particularly impressive, since his competition is Rob Johnson, Alex Van Pelt, Drew Bledsoe (who was awesome for his first eight games in a Bills' uniform, after that...not so much), Losman, The Immortal Kelly Holcomb, and Brian Brohm. That's a boat-load of fail right there, so the bar is pretty low, but Fitzmagic has done well this season, and had some moments when he got settled in the last half of last season.

2. Chan Gailey > Dick Jauron

Gailey starts off on the right foot by having a pulse. Jauron was a human gargoyle on game day, who reacted the same way to a game winning TD that he would to a terrible turnover; a polite clap. One of the more infuriating things that came out of the Bills' nose dive in 2008 was their "everything is OK" attitude, which they kept up until the very moment they were officially eliminated from the playoffs. When the Bills were under Jauron, and they played a top-tier team, they didn't except, or even hope to win, they hoped to be competitive. Under Gailey, they act like they expect to win. That is a huge difference, and why the Bills have been able to overcome deficits against the Raiders and Patriots. Jauron's Bills would have folded their tents and gotten killed. These Bills look like they will fight to the very end.

3. The offensive line isn't totally craptastic.

A big part of the Bills' failings this past decade-plus is that their offensive line has been consistently awful. This year, the offensive line has been holding up wonderfully, opening holes for Fred Jackson and buying time for Fitz, who has had a couple games already where he hasn't been touched. Also, the line is not committing penalties like they used to. If I were to go back and find game logs from 2008, I'd say at least 20% of possible big plays were wiped out by a flag. I still wait for one every time there is a big play on offense. It's a tough habit to break.

4. The defense is getting turnovers.

The defense is giving up an assload of yards, and has a tough problem in getting off the field on third down, but turnovers can cure a lot of ills. The Bills have forced a league-high 16 turnovers, including 12 interceptions. The Bills had 11 INTs all last season. They are also getting these turnovers at key times in the game. Forcing a fumble on the opening kickoff in Kansas City. Stripping Run DMC when they couldn't stop the Raiders and needed another way to come back. Getting picks off Brady at the end of the first half, and with the Pats up 24-17 and driving. Getting picks on the first two Eagles' drives to let the offense give them a lead, then getting one on the last Eagles' drive to keep the lead.

5. They have already done better in the AFC East than they did in 2008, and should get more wins from there.

The 2008 Bills went 0-6 in the division. That, more than anything, killed their season. They already got the monkey off their back against New England. Miami is looking terrible, and the Jets are having a big letdown. It's not set in stone (like I wrote earlier, they can lose to anybody), but I wouldn't be shocked to see them sweep Miami, and earn splits with the Jets and Pats. That gives them a respectable 4-2 division record, and with the wins they already have, a total of seven. They would only need to split the other six games on their schedule to make it to 10 wins.

With that said, there are causes for concern...

1. Will they read their press clippings?

The Bills are doing a great job so far of keeping an "us against the world" and "no one believes in us" attitude going. However, the one game they were almost unanimously picked to win, they lost. This could be a problem if they continue to win games and start becoming favorites. There is a swagger developing with the team, but if they somehow think they can just turn it on when they need to, then they are dead wrong. They are not THAT talented.

2. Aside from the turnovers, the defense kinda sucks.

The yards the Bills give up can, and will turn into more points if they continue to do it. They will not get 4-5 turnovers every week to mask their deficiencies. The run defense has improved somewhat, as they still give up big plays. The pass rush is almost non-existent (where did Kyle Williams go? He was their breakout player on defense last year, and hasn't been heard from at all this year). Shawne Merriman has done jack shit since the first preseason game. The secondary is terrible. Leodis McKelvin in particular is cover-your-eyes bad. He continually gets beaten for big plays. If someone gets burned, it's probably him. This also blends in with the crappy pass rush, as quarterbacks are having all day to stand back and dissect the secondary.

3. The wide receiver depth is taking a big hit.

Donald Jones is out 4-6 weeks with an ankle injury. Roscoe Parrish already had his now-yearly season-ending injury. The receivers have had issues with drops, including Stevie Johnson. Naaman Roosevelt was cut after the pre-season and now he's the #2 receiver. They do not have a real deep threat, so they are going to have to dink-and-dunk like the Patriots usually do. That's great if you're the Patriots, not so great if you're the Bills. They are going to need some production out of Brad Smith and the tight ends, who seem largely invisible outside the red zone. David Nelson has proven to be a pleasant surprise, and will probably become Fitz's favorite target.

4. They don't seem to know what they have with The Underrated Fred Jackson.

Ever since The Underrated Fred Jackson has started to shine, the Bills have been trying to find someone to replace him. He got some starts a few years ago after in injury to Marshawn Lynch, and was very productive. Since then, they tried to make Lynch their #1 back, then when that didn't work out, they drafted CJ Spiller. I'm not ready to call him a bust yet, since he seems to be doing a lot better this season when he gets in there, but Chan fell in love with Spiller last preseason and tried starting him, and that move bombed terribly. The Underrated Fred Jackson has been awesome this season, showing that he can do it all. He can run, he can make catches out of the backfield (which they will really need now, as evidenced by Sunday's game against the Eagles), and he can block. However, The Underrated Fred Jackson is growing irritated with the fact that he isn't making nearly the amount of money a #1 back that is as instrumental to a team as he is should make. They will need to lock him up, or he will go somewhere else if given the chance. Probably to New England, just to fuck with us.

They also have gotten into trouble the last couple games when they get too pass-heavy when protecting the lead in the second half. They barely ran in the second half against the Bengals, and promptly saw the defense wear down. Sunday, they were letting Philly back into the game as they made it 31-21. Bills get the ball, and promptly throw two incompletions and allow the only sack of the game. They cannot continue to do this, because the defense is bad enough to let teams come back on them.

I would love for everything to work out for Buffalo this season. There is genuine excitement over the team for the first time in a long time. With their issues, I am not expecting a trip to the Super Bowl, but ending the playoff drought would be nice, especially with their brothers the Sabres looking like a force in the NHL this season.

I look forward to contributing to Armchair Line Backer this season. Hopefully I'm not losing my mind as the team goes in the tank.

NOTE: I edited this slightly to make the section about the team forcing turnovers coherent, since part of that paragraph got lost in the Springfield mystery spot.

NFL ACLB PREVIEWS - #32: BUFFALO BILLS

PERTINENT DATA: 4-12 last year; 150 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLVI.
BEST CASE SCENARIO (Neil): Uh . . . come on now, you don’t really think there’s hope here, do you? Okay, fine, fine, let’s say everything breaks right in Buffalo for a change. Let’s say that Ryan Fitzpatrick manages to prove slightly better than competent, that Fred Jackson and C.J. Spiller manage to provide the running game with a kick-ass one-two punch, that Stevie Johnson emerges as a true number one receiver, that the offensive line manages to not get Fitzpatrick, Jackson or Spiller killed and that Shawne Merriman manages to be revived in some sort of Frankensteinian experiment, runs wild, sacks everything in sight and Kyle Williams actually gets some fucking help on defense. Let’s say all of that miraculously happens. I think at best that makes the Bills an 8-8 team. And that’s the best case scenario. The Bills fucking suck, man, and the sooner you come to terms with that, the easier it will be to help pack them up when they inevitably make the fulltime move to Toronto.
WORST CASE SCENARIO (Raven): It's really not hard to imagine the worst case scenario, because as the Bills piddle around in upstate New York, the Jets and Patriots have started their own ridiculous free agency gold rush ala Yankees/Red Sox, and basically the Bills are like the Baltimore Orioles - with like two good young players they can be like, "Hey, look at these two good young players we have! You should come root for them and watch them get pounded by everybody!" Seriously, the Bills will be lucky to win four games this year. It's going to be ugly as fuck, and the fact they wear shitty looking uniforms and play in a decrepit upper armpit of America only makes it worse. Have you noticed how when LA. is like, "We're going to get a team!" and people say, "Oh yeah, what team?" Buffalo never comes up in the conversation... That's because there's nothing sexy about this team. It would be better off to be absolved and just give Los Angeles a new franchise from scratch next year, were Ralph Wilson to die.
PLAYER TO PULL FOR (Neil): Kyle Williams was the lone Buffalo Bill to make the All-Armchair Linebacker Team, and as such, he is the one player you should all pull for. The reasons here are the same as the reasons there. He’s an awesome player on a shitty team playing in a dead city that can suck a man’s soul clean out of his body and then wipe its ass with it while snow falls, banshees howl and tears freeze in the ill wind of that frozen hell. It takes a special sort of dude to thrive in those conditions. It takes a special sort of dude to be awesome even though the whole world around him is decaying and dying. Kyle Williams was that sort of dude last season, and I’m rooting for him to continue rising above it all, for him to outlast the Failure Demons and to keep his head from sinking beneath the frozen muck of Buffalo. I’m rooting for him because I have seen what losing does to a man. I have seen what a crushed soul looks like and it sucks. I have seen my city’s greatest football hero drown in a river of tears and I have seen what it looks like when Hope dies, frozen like a bum huddled inside of an abandoned building with no windows and only the ghosts of some former half-forgotten glory to keep him company. I know that shit. I know it too well, and I know that those same ghosts are whispering awful things in Kyle Williams’ ears and I want him to continue to ignore them and to fight, fight, fight until somehow, someway, he has beaten his own monstrous and miserable fate. It’s not even about him. It’s about all of us who have found ourselves trapped by the Failure Demons, who have had our football souls tortured in hell for so damn long that we barely even remember what being happy as fans feels like. It’s about one of our own breaking free and . . . and . . . just surviving, man. Just surviving. Root for Kyle Williams because he has managed to survive so far. Root for Kyle Williams because he defies those same hell beasts who have hunted so many of us for so long. Root for Kyle Williams because Kyle Williams is a warrior of light in a dark and forgotten ice kingdom. Root for Kyle Williams because he is you and he is me and he is everyone who has ever tried to rise above the pain that comes with being a part of or being a fan of some shitbird team.
PLAYER TO HATE MOST (Raven): Shawne Merriman is a black dude with a fauxhawk kinda thing going on and he used to be romantically involved in a serious sense with Tila Tequila. That's a nebulous netherworld of underclass humans, like juggalos, except even juggalos had the common sense but black hearts to pelt someone like Tila Tequila with bottles and shit. Merriman belongs to an even scummier world of like wealthy juggalo-types, who did not come by their strange scumminess as the last badge of honor they could find from a shithole, hopelessly hopeless rural midwestern upbringing. These Merrimans and Tequilas and Lil Jons and Jersey troll people and Will.I.Ams are scummy in a strange pretend fashionable way, not because they are scraping to find anything to be proud of, but because they lack souls. Shawne Merriman has no soul, and whatever little bit of it there was he diluted with human growth hormones and whatever god awful shit is the next level of performance enhancement, because if they're going to be testing for HGH, that means players are on some next level Brave New World bullshit where they have alien/pig hybrid blood cultivated on the space station because gravity-less fluids attain maximum regeneration rates or some Dr. Mengele in the year 3000 bullshit like that.
BEST NAME ON TEAM: Mansfield Wrotto.
IN A PERFECT WORLD (Neil): Shit, in a perfect world, Buffalo would be walled off and ignored while its people were forced into cannibalism and then a giant dome could be built over top of its ruins as a monument to the death of the American dream. We could even make it a giant public works project. Poor people and Mexicans could build the damn thing during the day and then get all fucked up at night and light giant bonfires and dance around the ruins of Buffalo, and screw each other stupid and fight and laugh and cry. Meanwhile, the Buffalo Bills could finally find some sort of hope in the welcoming arms of Canada. Exiled to Toronto, they could try to forget the misery of the past and reinvent themselves as the team of a whole nation. Sure, it’s a nation full of weird Geddy Lee enthusiasts who worship an old lady from England and freeze their dead in ice coffins awaiting a magical day foretold by their holy men when the ice will finally melt and the reanimated souls of the dead will emerge and conquer the world in Canada’s ungodly name, but it sure beats the fuck out of having to live and play in Buffalo, you know?
PROGNOSIS (Raven): The Bills will finish up 2-14, and win the Andrew Luck sweepstakes, which will be unfortunate for Andrew Luck, because it's still going to be Buffalo. Really, ever since the O.J. thing cashed out all of Buffalo's franchise juice, they've been hard-pressed to gain any psychic momentum. They should just go back to the throwbacks all the time, have everybody on the team wear #32, and play all their games in Toronto, and be like, "Fuck America, you fat lazy racist fucks. We now only serve imam-approved foods at our games," and just go straight buckwild. Ralph Wilson is an old white guy though, and in fact most NFL owners are either old white guys or white guys who will afford the health care to get old, so it kind of keeps cool shit like this happening because they won't ever approve selling the Bills to like Bumpy Johnson or Frank Lucas or something. We truly are an uptight country, aren't we? At least the Bills went ahead and got themselves some gay ass Canadian Football League uniforms this year, which somehow look futuristically retro, in order to hopefully start this plan in motion.

The Buffalo Hunt

Artist rendition of Steelers' expected pass rush

So, this week the Steelers go up to what the networks only refer to as Western New York State to play the Bills. On paper this looks like it should be a cakewalk, but Buffalo might just be the best 2-8 team if all time. All season they have been competitive most weeks, and just haven't been able to close the deal. Watching them come back on the Bengals (who the Steelers had to hold on against) made me nervous for the fate of the defensive back corps of the ol' Black and Gold. The plan going in most weeks is to pass rush and hope the linebackers are able to murder the QB, because if the ball makes it past the line of scrimmage things get interesting. Any pass not thrown in the vicinity of #43 has a better than average chance of going for a big play if not a TD. McFadden can at least put a hit on a guy to make him think twice about going for a tough pass, but Will Allen is made of glass and Ryan Clark's blood turns into toxic waste if he's in an area with higher elevation than say, Florida or Kansas.

That is not to say all is without hope. Buffalo's D is, to put it mildly, not that great. If it comes down to a QB battle, I'll be comfortable with Ben as long as he doesn't get distracted by the Bills' cheerleaders. Mendenhall should have a good game as long as Bruce Arians doesn't get it in his head that the key to winning the game is passing 60 times a game. Considering he owes his continued employment to the QB going to bat for him, this unfortunately can't be completely ruled out.

Coaching wise, the Steelers seem to have the edge. No one's ever lost sleep over the thought of facing a Chan Gailey coached team, and now that Wesley's in jail that makes Mike Tomlin the coolest brotha in the free world. A lot of teams would have self destructed having one of their defensive MVPs chosen as the poster boy for new rules enforcement, but that's not the case when your team is being run by the coaching equivalent of Marcellus Wallace. He just tells them to cool the fuck down, cause he's sending in the Wolf.

Kicking wise, well "Swish" (as the media here has taken to call him) may be no better than Reed when it comes to actual kicking, he's not a headcase so at least the area paper towel dispensers are safe. I will miss Reed's nonsensical ramblings after his latest shank, but I'm sure some other team desperate for a kicker will pick him up. Also on special teams, the Steelers finally have replaced "Fair Catch" Randle El with the tandem of Sanders and Brown who seem to be getting closer every week to breaking a 90+ return.

My pick: Steelers 35-28, only after Buffalo gets some garbage points at the end.

A Beast in the Hand is Worth...

The Buffalo Bills have been my team since before I can remember. There are pictures of me wearing Bills hats, jackets, and jerseys from my earliest childhood. Growing up in a football town is like growing up in church; At some point, you really commit yourself to it, you take these rituals and songs from the Sunday meetings, and you make them your own. It isn't just a meaningless thing that people do... it means something. You don't just say you're part of the congregation... you are one of them, and you have faith.

Or else you don't. You may realize that its all bullshit and a way for people who only work one day a week to fleece your ignorant neighbors and family members out of their hard earned money. And to make matters worse, your friends and family thank them for it. You are too smart to fall into that trap and rather than be rewarded for your figuring it out, you are excluded from the rituals. You spend your lonely Sundays doing the New York Times Crossword and mowing the grass, alone.

Or so I imagine. After all, I'm in the first group and so are you. My conversion experience happened when I was 9 years old. In 1989 the Buffalo Bills won their division and outplayed Bernie Kosar's Browns in the divisional playoff game. At the end of the game Jim Kelly threw the game winning ball to Ronnie Harmon in the corner of the end zone where Harmon dropped it. Ronnie Harmon, it was later rumored, was involved with a notorious bookmaker (his agent, actually) and was either payed to throw the game or was threatened. Either way, the image of “The Drop” is indelibly printed on my mind's eye.

Its kind of a funny conversion experience, losing a game, but its my first memory of really caring about the outcome of the game. Understanding what it would take to win. Knowing what it would mean to win, how it would feel.

The spark of faith in the Bills was fanned into a roaring flame over the next several years as the Buffalo made it to the Super Bowl an unprecedented 4 consecutive times. The offensive line was made up of perennial pro bowlers, in fact the whole offense was. The defense was full of superstars and characters, Bruce Smith, Cornelius Bennett, Daryl Tally. The Bills were impossible not to love.

Needless to say, since then we've experienced some very dark times. As fans we've suffered through these dark times, telling pale stories of what once was, or what could have been if... No quarterback, no offensive line, no pass rush, no run defense. Each coach we fire goes on to unparalleled success. Gregg Williams who lead the Bills to a 17-31 record, enjoy your Superbowl ring. Ronnie Harmon, enjoy yours too. Wade Phillips, you can go to hell.

We faithful are strong in spirit, a ten year absence from the playoffs cannot deter our indomitable belief. One day, we know, they will rise again. We tell the old stories to bear each other up in the hard times. Remember the apostle Thurman in these trying times, the apostle Reed.

However, this week my faith was tested in a way that it never has been before. Marshawn Lynch was traded to the Seahawks for a draft pick, and a 4^th round pick at that.

Our beleaguered congregation has suffered ever since GM Bill Polian was fired. Yes, we fired Bill Polian, the man who built the Bills into the most powerful offensive force in the history of football, because he didn't get along with the Bill's accountant. THAT IS TRUE! For the past 10 years, he's been evaluating college talent for a team that was a joke for the entirety of Buffalo's golden years, the Colts. Even among the devout amongst us, there are many that question the value of this accountant.

Since that time, Buffalo has picked a stunning array of nice guys that can not play football. They took Aaron Maybin over Brian Orakpo. To date, Maybin has recorded, I believe, something on the order of zero sacks and four tackles... and that's a lifetime total. They traded up to the first round to get their hands on Big Big John McCargo, a lineman that they eventually traded to Tony Dungy's Colts for a can of white sideline paint. Just days later, Dungy sent McCargo home on a very large jet and collected his spraypaint.

The point is, a draft pick is absolutely nothing in the hands of the Buffalo Bills. They went into this draft needing literally EVERY SINGLE POSITION with the exception of running back. And with the 9^th overall pick of the draft, they chose CJ Spiller. Which would have been a good pick for EVERY SINGLE OTHER TEAM in the league. The only decent quarterback we've had was a 53 year old midget named Flutie, who took over from the abominable Robb Johnson, won every game he played to sneak us into a playoff game where he was benched so that Johnson could through the game for us.

Now I am truly conflicted. We are in our 12^th consecutive “building year,” and my favorite player on the team, my favorite player in the NFL, was traded away. I feel like I've been dumped. I walk around thinking “I miss Marshawn” and in sepia-colored hues I replay over and over in my mind his rugged running style, his Mayne Event interview. A tear comes to my eyes while I think of my fellow congregants, holding BEAST MODE signs at the games. Sure, there have been rumors that he'd be traded, but I refused to believe them. If they trade Lynch, I said, they'll be trading my allegiance with him. When you've got a powerful runner like Lynch, and two squirrely little scat backs like Freddie Jackson and CJ Spiller, who would decide to get rid of the guy that can break through a tackle, that can run over a guy, that can catch any ball, that can win a whole city over his first year on the team?

The Bills would.

An Immediate, Vicious Stomping

The action of the game must be simple, and it must be brutal. "Every game against us," a Buffalo fan I know remarked, "is a trap game." Everyone will swear up and down they aren't looking past this game. They insist they respect their opponent. No one is fooled. Buffalo is 0-3 and they've spent each miserable week hearing every pundit who cared to weigh in spit on their effort. They can see a long, ugly road ahead of them and that makes them dangerous. There's no accounting for what that will do to a man. This time last year Handsome Mark threw five interceptions against the Bills. I can picture Jairus Byrd sitting, waiting, knowing that Sanchez's Positive Mental Attitude is a fragile thing, and if he can just get his fingers inside of it it will crack open. The Jets cannot let that happen. They need to make an immediate statement. They need to announce with full force what the tone of the game will be. The National Football League pays no reward for mercy and swiftly punishes hesitation. The Jets need to stab Buffalo in the eye.

Baltimore cut Trevor Pryce as part of a little roster shuffle. That was their idea, anyway. Pryce had other ideas and signed with the Jets He is a welcome addition to the defensive line, but this is bigger than that. This is what Rex is building.

“I guarantee you there’s probably people in the same spot now, jealous,” [Bart] Scott said. “Trevor’s probably getting some texts like, ‘Hey, come get me, too.’ I guarantee that there’s at least 15 other players over there that are praying to God that they get released for a half-day so they can come over here, too.”

Let them all come. Let them all come, let them celebrate Rex and his tenuous grasp of professionalism. I will welcome them, so long as they come angry and hungry, so long as they know that the opposing quarterback should be hit so hard he becomes a gibbering mess, so long as they are desperate for blood. So long as they come to play football, let them come.

<3 <3 <3

!!!

Ugh

Last time I posted I think the Bills were 5-1 and atop the AFC East. My account of what's happened since: Trent Edwards got shook. Since the concussion he's combined his careful habits (short passes) with JP Losman's careless ones (interceptions + fumbles). The rest of the team is not very good and also about 5 years old.  I guess I should take the long view. We're building something? One day when we're fucking Canadian maybe we'll get to the playoffs?

I'm actually okay with losing to New England (kind of) because they are a better team but last week we lost to the Jets. And now the Jets are apparently beating teams by 89 points. If Brett Favre ends up in the playoffs I am going to punch Dick Jauron in the head. Also, he should learn how to throw a challenge flag in a timely manner, without trying to create any bullshit suspense.

I feel like such a cliche fairweather fan, but I seriously want to kill 90% of the team right now. I'll never turn on you, though, Beast Mode. Maybe we should let you quarterback for a while.

I think they call this feeling "happiness"

General contentment with your team's performance really inhibits the writing process. (I know, poor me!) After Sunday's game against the Chargers, I am feeling pretty good about the Bills' chances this season. I've decided our walloping at the hands of that ancient quarterback and his Cardinals two weeks ago is entirely attributable to the fact that Trent Edwards got killed on the third play. But he has been reborn and redeemed the city of Buffalo through his unflashy precision and calm stoner demeanor. This team is just kind of...nice and unobjectionable. What the hell am I supposed to say about them?

I am sort of digging the no-name vibe on defense--Kawika Mitchell and Marcus Stroud have been playing really well, but so have Paul Posluszny, Ryan Denney and Copeland Bryan. Who? Exactly. Two of those dudes are second-stringers to the first-string no-name players that got hurt. At some point during the game Sunday, one of the announcers speculated that the Chargers may have been taken by surprise slightly because rather than preparing to play the Bills they got distracted by PACKING to travel to London. This is a little ego-bruising but I've decided that it works to the Bills' advantage if opposing teams find picking out clothes more challenging than the prospect of playing against us. Especially when the Bills play at home: we lull them into a false sense of security by not having any name players and then they get to our house and we cut the power and just generally confuse the shit out of them. By the end of the game, you could have knocked Philip Rivers over with a feather: Kawika Mitchell basically did, and the ball came out, too.

This approach of enveloping your opponents in a disorienting mist is probably not going to work as well in the upcoming divisional stretch of the Bills' schedule. Luckily, we play in the AFC East. I refuse to be intimidated by the Patriots' victory last night because they were playing against a team with no defense and 83 turnovers, and seriously, if we can't beat the Dolphins and the Jets...well, I'll have a lot more to write about on this blog. (Okay, I'm actually terrified of the Patriots because Bill Belichick has chunks of guys like Dick Jauron in his stool, but this fear is irrational and I'm counting on this being the year Belichick crashes to earth.) It really feels like tempting fate to even think this kind of optimism, but whatever. Neurotic second-guessing has gotten Bills fans nowhere; the time has come for some triumphalism.

Meltdown

Do you know what I find alternately delightful and stressful about this NFL season? Outside of the NFC east, every single team in the league sort of sucks. Every Sunday becomes any given Sunday. How is a fan supposed to know if her 4-0 team is any good? Looking at the schedule, I thought the Bills would be tested for real in a couple weeks when they play the Chargers. But the Chargers got beat by the Dolphins today and the Bills got flat-out killed by the Arizona Cardinals.

Apparently the only person more shook than Trent Edwards by the hit Adrian Wilson laid on him was, well, the entire Bills' defense. They spent the rest of the game after Edwards got KO'd missing tackles on receivers and getting no penetration and generally making an 80-year-old quarterback with two messed-up hands look infallible. I can't put it all on the defense, I guess. JP Losman can do some things, like throw a long bomb TD pass to Lee Evans or grow a whole mess of facial hair in a summer, but he can't eat up the clock, or avoid a sack, or win a game for you in the fourth quarter (RIP Trent!) He can sure turn the ball the fuck over in the fourth quarter, though. There were some dumb penalties, including Justin Jenkins' lining up off-sides on an Arizona field goal attempt, which gave them a first down, which ended in a touchdown. And there was the meekness of Dick Jauron, who looked like he was about to throw the challenge flag when the officials called a fumble on Robert Royal, only to...totally fail to throw it. I thought Royal's right knee was down, but no need for urgency when the Cardinals are about to take over possession of the ball deep in Bills' territory and the Bills defense has shown no ability to stop the Cardinals all game long. Hey, I'm indecisive, too, dude, but I'm not trying to be a head coach in the NFL.

I guess the Cardinals played a good game for a team I know next to nothing about except that they have a really old quarterback. I am starting to panic a little about the AFC east, y'all. Maybe even the Jets are better than us. How the fuck do I know?

Nothing even matters

Oh, whatever. I just scrapped a paragraph haranguing the Bills' offensive line for playing a one-sided game of chicken (who can stand around listlessly longer? oh wait, those other guys are actually doing their jobs!) with the Rams' defense for half the game yesterday until they decided to show up late in the third. But who am I trying to kid? I don't care. The Bills are 4-0; I don't care about anything. I can barely remember my name. This space is going to be pretty insight-free as well as boring until the Bills start behaving like the Bills I know and losing in particularly heartwrenching and traumatic ways. See y'all then! (Also, I will probably write about the America's Game about the grand Buffalo tradition of losing the Super Bowl many times that airs Thursday. Darryl Talley is still profoundly funny-looking, it appears!)

These are the games we lose.

I can't quite wrap my head around today's game against the Raiders. Because the Bills are the Raiders. In recent years, the Bills have been the team who gives the favorite a run for their money all game long, capitalizing on the "better" team's sloppy play and threatening to upset, only to come up shorthanded in the final minutes. It's part of what lends such an "I must be taking crazy pills" air to Bills fandom--you know the team is kind of scrappy and surprising and good, but fucked if they aren't 6-10 again and no one outside of Buffalo seems to know the names of even the marquee players. Inasmuch as football games are kind of inexplicable, irreducible to the quantifiable strengths of the players on the field, or even to how well they've played, the magical, unnameable force that seems to help some teams win wants nothing to do with the Buffalo Bills. It's an article of faith for Bills fans. I am sort of silly and superstitious about football, in part because I am that way about things I love, but in part because when I was a little girl, the Bills were second-best four years in a row. You can't tell me that what goes into being a winning football team isn't a little uncanny.

Today's game was actively unpleasant to watch a lot of the time. Any time the Bills seemed to get it together for a second, we'd fumble or get intercepted or Johnnie Lee Higgins would beat the fuck out of the Bills secondary to the tune of an 84 yard touchdown. After that last play, my heart broke a little. I thought, my team is not the team that successfully scores twice with only 6 minutes left. I had already been constructing a narrative for the game in my head, which was that Bills fans like me were being punished for the hubris of thinking 2-0 meant anything at all, for thinking that the Raiders would be an easy mark, and Lane Kiffin's players were rallying behind him because they love him and they know Al Davis is a crazy. When Higgins's TD re-widened the gap between the Raiders and the Bills, I thought it was over. The Bills had looked shook all afternoon--how were they going to get their morale back after that disheartening play? I had already teared up at halftime when Bruce Smith's number was unveiled in Ralph Wilson Stadium; clearly tears were where the game was destined to end.

And yet. In the back of my mind, the part that is still a crazy 13-year-old who thought, hey, why can't the Bills come back in the second half of Superbowl XXVII (that's the one we lost to the Cowboys by 35 points, btw), I reasoned. We'd come back from poor play last week to beat the Jags. The defense could certainly hold the Raiders from scoring further points. All that needed to happen was for the offense to step up like I'd seen it do earlier this season. And then it did. I thought, if they just score a TD before the 4-minute mark, we're still in it. And Trent Edwards threw his most accurate series of passes of the afternoon and hit Parrish in the end zone with 4:02 left in the fourth quarter. (In passing, thanks, Dan Fouts, for the brilliant suggestion that the Bills should have made do with a field goal on that drive. WTF?) I thought, it might be too much to hope for but the Raiders don't seem to trust Russell to throw and the Bills are certainly capable of holding the Raiders run game to a 3-and-out. And then we did. The next thing I chose to freak out about is that Dick Jauron hasn't always been noted for clock management at the end of a game--what if the Bills scored on their next drive, but scored too quickly? But no, right before the field goal attempt, Jauron let the clock run down. And of course the Bills haven't always had luck with field goals, lol Norwood, but that went like a dream, too. It was more than a little unsettling. If the perpetual skid team you've loved all your life actually gets it together, are they still your team?

I don't mean to overstate things. The NFL season is long; who even knows anything about the AFC anymore; the Bills' schedule so far may prove to have been kind of a cinch compared to the mighty Miami Dolphins, who we face in week 14. But also, the last time the Bills went 3-0, they ended up in the Super Bowl. Let's not speak about what happened after that.

Jack Del Rio is a puss

I caught part of a postgame interview where he insinuated that Jacksonville's loss today depended on some call the referees got wrong. Could someone tell me what he's talking about? Perhaps the pass interference that was called on MARSHAWN LYNCH? No, wait, that worked in the Jags' favor. I'm sure it's hard to go 0-2 when everyone thought you were going to be the Jesus of the NFL this season but I suggest that Del Rio be a man. And find himself a non-heinous pair of sunglasses.

Just to get all my uncharitable feelings out of the way at the outset, the Jacksonville cheerleaders were wearing knee-high black pleather boots in 80-degree weather. They looked a little inappropriate for daytime.

Okay, the game. I thought the score margin was going to be wider, given that Jacksonville presumably had to resort to flagging down any big dudes who walked by the stadium to fill out their O-line, but I'll take it. I loved the Bills' opening drive; again, so different from the offensive stuttering of last season. I gather we have new offensive coordinator "Young" Turk Schonert to thank for this assertive rhythm. I also suspect Dick Jauron started overriding Schonert at some point in the third quarter because the Bills started doing things like calling running plays on 3rd and 25, just the kind of daring playcalling that resulted in all those Bills' offensive shootouts last season. Please, please just run with the slightly riskier offense from early in the game, guys. Trent Edwards is clearly a pathologically careful dude (80% completion rate in this game); I think the benefits outweigh the risks.

I know David Garrard is a gifted athlete but I don't quite understand why he proved such kryptonite for the Buffalo defensive line when he ran with the ball. It would appear that some tackling drills are in order. But I was impressed that the Bills were able to wrench back the momentum in the fourth quarter after the game looked like it was sliding away from them in the third (kudos to the Jaguars for that onside kick; I didn't even understand what had happened for a minute.) I take back all the mean things I've ever said about Trent Edwards; I was a Losman backer last season but I can admit when I've been wrong. I also think it's charming how Edwards is apparently always stoned in the Bills media roundup clips they put up on the official website. Also, little Freddy Jackson can ball, huh?

Finally, I would just like to register my continued irritation with the way the national sports media, at least the tv section of it, has been talking up the AFC east. I watched that New England/Jets game today, and I don't care how omg dreamy Brett Favre is, or how childlike his love of the game, or how long and hard he whores for the media, the Bills are better than that goddamn team. The Bills are certainly better than the Dolphins. (This is shaping up to be the section of my weekly recap where I say the exact same things about the AFC East over and over.) We're not better than the Patriots, as far as I can tell, but the better team doesn't always win. I'm looking forward to that season ender against the Pats.

I think I made this game up inside my head

Bills 34 Seahawks 10 (!!!)

Last season I became accustomed to the Bills putting up 10, maybe 17 points a game, if things went well. (In fact, those figures are inaccurate: the ratio of field goals to touchdowns scored would typically be about 4-1 and the touchdowns were rarely scored on offense.) There were a lot of 3-and-out drives. I got used to being able to take beer and bathroom breaks on the regular because a lot of nothing happened. Dick Jauron and Trent Edwards seemed like a match made in heaven--the two timid-est motherfuckers in the league, never more comfortable than when giving way to the punting unit (go Moorman!)

All this is by way of saying that I was UNPREPARED for what happened on Sunday. During the Seahawks game, there was a moment during the remarkable faked field goal (FAKED FIELD GOAL!)-kickoff fumble recovery--Edwards to Royal touchdown pass sequence where I think I lost consciousness. Forced to confront the fact that my Bills had put up 14 points in the space of about 60 seconds, I felt my reflexive Buffalo fan pessimism buckle for the first time this century. Apparently what exists just under this hardened defensive stance is pure insane unrealistic conviction that the Bills will clearly win the Super Bowl at last, finally bringing a championship to Buffalo before Canada steals the team. You heard it here first.

I get the feeling the national sports media has no idea what to make of this game, having not paid any attention to Buffalo since 1997. As a confirmed masochist who's seen all the games, let me put this into perspective: no, the Bills are probably not Super Bowl contenders (that chastening is addressed solely to other Buffalo homers: I feel you guys!) But Cris Collinsworth was right on Sunday when he was the only sportscaster to have the balls to assert Buffalo's status as a division contender. This is a dubious honor, obviously; aside from New England the AFC East was an embarrassment last year. But I'm telling y'all, fuck a bunch of Brett Favre. The Jets barely beat the MIAMI DOLPHINS. Buffalo had a decent defense last year, against ridiculous injury-related odds, and it's had a badass special teams unit (and coach!) for years. Finally, finally, it seems like the offense is clicking a little, and that was without Jason Peters who thankgodfully is back. (In passing, Buffalo Bills management, give this dude more money! Seriously, the Bills have been mismanaging their offensive line since they were actually good in the '90s. Let's stop fucking this up, guys!)

Watching the Colts-Bears game Sunday night, I saw at the bottom of my screen that NBC had chosen to recap the Bills game thus: "Bills dominate Seattle 34-10." And it struck me that this was true and that it hasn't happened in years. Sometimes the Bills have improbably kept it close against a good team, as in last season's crazy Monday night game against the Cowboys, but I had forgotten how much fun it is to watch a not-at-all-close game when it's your team that's kicking ass. I've been burned before, of course, but I am officially excited about the NFL in a way that I haven't been since the Bills got me into this goddamn mess by repeatedly stealing, then breaking my heart as a kid.