2011 Chicago Bears Post Season Awards - The Bad.

The Showcase of the Immortals.

 The Fruit Stripe Gum Award for Biggest Disappointment goes to...

Chris Harris, S. Man, up until Jay Cutler's thumb injury sending the team on an excruciating death-slide, this had to be the most heart-breaking part of 2011 for me. Last year, Harris was the man, the most clutch of clutch players, and the secret reason for the Bears defense actually earning their big reputation for the first time in years. This year? He was injured, then he sucked, then he became a Detroit Lion, then he presumably kept sucking over there. And all of this lead to at least a week or so of the kind of godawful safety-reshuffling that he came in and put a stop to in 2010. So instead of having at least one spot locked down in a solid-ass way for the next three-to-five years, it's back to more trial-and-error with and endless string of rookies. From Mike Green to Todd Johnson to Brandon McGowan to Chris Harris to Adam Archuleta to Kevin Payne to Al Afalava to Chris Harris to Major Wright and it goes on and on and on, it's Heaven and Hell.
Honorable Mention: Gabe Carimi, OT.
Past Winner: 2010 - Devin Aromashodu, WR.


The Jerry Angelo Memorial Award for Biggest Stupid Waste of Money goes to...

(TIE) Roy Williams, WR and Brandon Meriweather, S. I had to make up a new award for these two guys, because I was going to just throw them up in a tie for biggest disappointment, but really, can you actually be disappointed by two guys whose failure was basically a sure thing from the start? Roy Williams hasn't been any good since 2006, and he really never was all that good before that. He was a disappointment in Detroit, a joke in Dallas, and not much more than an annoyance in Chicago. I know I've beaten that dead horse into an indistinguishable pile of horse-dust at this point, but for Christ's sake, the Bears had to pretend that he was a starter all year, putting him in on the first snap and then yanking as soon as possible, to keep their stupid, soon-to-be-gut-punched offensive coordinator happy. He was just a symptom of every Larger Issue, ever. As for Meriweather, anyone who knew anything could have told the front office that this guy wasn't going to work out. I mean sure, he did make two Pro Bowls, but then again, Deangelo Hall had just made one, so how much does that mean anymore? If they had just stopped and thought maybe the Patriots -  an established winning team for like a decade now - might have had some reason for cutting the dude loose after watching him for four years and one full preseason, this could have all been avoided. But no, he got a few more million dollars, and the Bears got a shitty head-hunting safety who couldn't even hunt heads well. But he sure did provide big-name depth as the number five safety behind Winston Venable and Anthony Walters, I guess.
Honorable Mention: Chris Spencer, C/G.
Theoretical Past Winners: 2010 - (TIE) Brandon Manumaleuna, TE and Chester Taylor, RB. 2009 - Frank Omiyale, OT.


The George Blanda Award for Ex-Bear of the Year goes to...

Greg Olsen, TE, Carolina Panthers. So, you fancy yourself having a high-powered, fancy passing offense. Alright, so who are your receivers? A bunch of kick returners, Earl Bennett, a bunch of bullshit, and Roy Williams? Wait, so your top receiver is a running back who's also going to have to carry the ball twenty times a game? Ooh, not good. Oh, but don't forget, this is 2011 in the National Football League, and this is the Year of the Tight End. This shall be a full seventeen week festival of records being broken and games being won by the new breed of fast, athletic, sure-handed tight ends. And you've got one right there in Greg Olsen, primed and ready to take advantages of mismatched linebackers and cornerbacks a full foot shorter than he is. Wait, what's that? Your offensive coordinator who's already turned down a contract extension doesn't like tight ends, because they're not what he used in 1999? And you traded him to the Panthers? Ha ha, oh man, ha ha hahaha, that's a good one, ha ha ho ho, haha ha. Wait, you're serious, and that really happened? Fuck.
Honorable Mention: Mark Anderson, DE, New England Patriots
Past Winner: 2010 - Brandon Lloyd, WR, Denver Broncos.

The Brian Piccolo Memorial Award for Gritty, Hard-Working Fan Favorite of the Year goes to...

(TIE) Dane Sanzenbacher, WR and Tyler Clutts, FB. This was a banner year for the white man in Chicago. Not only did the team decide to continue their "eh, just throw whoever's cheap back there" policy at fullback with Aryan warrior Tyler Clutts, but they also grabbed a slow, shitty white wide receiver - the ultimate kind of football player in the eyes of the Chicago fan base - and even let him play in actual games this time. Sanzenbacher was the sensation of the first quarter of the season, with his habit of constantly dropping passes and not having a chance in hell of seeing any major playing time once Earl Bennett was back being completely ignored, as pork-fed Type 2 diabetics everywhere found their new Tom Waddle. Meanwhile, Clutts was possibly even worse than the bullshit fullbacks this team has had to endure over the last decade or so, (although oddly enough, the closest to an actual good one was Greg goddamned Olsen) and used his stunning accidental elusiveness to funnel defenders directly into Matt Forte and Marion Barber more often than not. Sometimes, you have to just look past "grit and determination" or whatever, and just use guys that are actually good at football, no matter how much it pisses the fans off.
Honorable Mention: Chris Conte, S.
Past Winner: 2010 - Patrick Mannelly, LS.

The Alonzo Spellman Rampage Award for Controversy, Off-the-Field Issue, or Other Distraction of the Year goes to...

Sam Hurd, WR/Drug Kingpin. Man, Sam Hurd being busted for huge amounts of cocaine was a thing no one could have ever seen coming, unless of course they had noticed that a buddy of his had been busted with $70 grand of Hurd's money in Hurd's car on the way to buy a huge amount of cocaine like a day before the stupid Bears signed him. So yeah, score another one for Mr. Angelo. I guess the craziest part is that he seemed like the least likely dude on the roster to be the NFL's answer to Nicky Barnes. The textbook backup wide receiver/special teams contributor, he was a completely unflashy dude without a huge criminal record or a diamond encrusted Rolls Royce or anything like that; just your typical "good teammate." And the dude was selling coke by the goddamn pound. On the other hand, he was a former Dallas Cowboy, so there you go.
Honorable Mention:  Angelo refuses to negotiate with terrorists, Matt Forte spends breakout superstar season making close to the league minimum.
Past Winner: 2010 - Jay Cutler NFC Championship Mannerismgate.

The John Thierry Award for Defensive Least Valuable Player goes to...

Zackary Bowman, CB. Of all the stupid, no-brained goddamned nonsense. Look, Tim Jennings is a small dude, I get that. But he was solid as hell all year long in spite of all this, but stupid Lovie Smith benched him after he had one bad game. Even though he had to know that this guy was the next guy in line behind him, and even though he had just got done blowing several huge plays against the Broncos to help keep Tebowmania on life support for another few weeks. And he's awful, and aside from that one game he had a a rookie, he's always been awful. Oh yeah, he had a bunch of interceptions in '09, but when quarterbacks throw your way constantly because they know it's the safest bet on the field, eventually a receiver is going to have one ricochet off his hands and into yours. Law of averages. For goddamn real, it even got so bad that you could see Aaron Rodgers's eyes get huge and a half-smile show up on his horrible face every time he'd see Bowman lined up against Jordy Nelson or Donald Driver, and every time, he would stare his receiver down like a shitty high school freshman, all but shouting out to the defense, "HEY GUYS, I'M GONNA THROW IT OVER WHERE NUMBER THIRTY-FIVE IS! YOU KNOW, ZACKARY BOWMAN'S GUY!"  But every time, the ball would be caught for a huge gain, because Zack Bowman is bullshit. But they just never have wanted to give up on the dude, and it would not shock me if he's the one back on the Bears next year instead of Jennings. Unbelievable.
Honorable Mention: Brandon Meriweather, S
Theoretical Past Winners: 2010 - Tommie Harris, DT, 2009 - Zackary Bowman, CB.

The Ron Turner's Playbook Memorial Award for Offensive Least Valuable Player goes to...

Caleb Hanie, QB. Oh man. You poor, poor bastard you. After an NFC championship game where people were to busy shitting all over Jay Cutler to notice that Hanie was kind of awful, this guy was poised for big things, at least in terms of finance. He was going to be a free agent in 2012, Mike Martz hated him, and the Bears weren't going to bring him back, and it was heavily rumored that some poor GM was seriously going to pay him starting QB money to hopefully be a starting QB someday. And then, Cutler went down, and Hanie had his Date with Destiny. And Destiny, she's a girl with high standards, so you better make damn sure you make a good first impression, because sometimes, there are no second dates, you know? But this guy, he took her on this date, man, and he ordered a cheeseburger at the fancy French restaurant. He spent the entire meal telling dead baby jokes and filling her in on every aspect of his Pokemon card collection, loudly announced at one point that "I gotta go take a piss," made her pay for the meal, and when dinner was over, he took her to the shitty dollar theater to see Saw, part 6. But even then at the end of the date when he had her drive him back to his mom's house, Destiny, she decided that she pitied him enough to give him one kiss before she left, because hell, it might be the only one he'd ever get you know? And when she did, the dude sneezed right into her mouth, blowing snot all over her face, sneezing so hard that he not only shat himself, but decided to let her know that this had happened, as though it was information she wanted. Of all the dates Destiny has had, no one has had a more utterly disastrous Date With Destiny than Caleb Hanie.
Honorable Mention: (TIE) Roy Williams, WR and J'Marcus Webb, OT.
Past Winner: 2010 - (TIE) The Doom of 2010, (Kreutz, Garza, Williams, Omiyale, Webb, etc.) OL.

NEXT TIME - THE GOOD.

2010 Bears Post-Season Awards, Full Sequence

This, but with the head of Pedobear pasted in.

Look, when I decided to do the 2010 Year-in-Review in award show form, it never occurred to me that it would encompass like 90 posts and take twelve years to complete in its original form. And I know that I should be spend my internet time on the other other dudes the Bears drafted, but I had started this thing, and dammit, it was there. But to hell with long, drawn-outness. So instead of a whole big thing, I'm going to just toss out all of the clever names for awards I scribbled down in the notebook in my car and try and come up with a blurb for them. It lacks the pizazz of the first two of these things, but goddammit, anything more would be madness. So without further ado, we shall now close the chapter on 2010; a season charmed in some ways and doomed in others; truly a season of Retarded Destiny. Anyway...

The Darryl Jenks Award for Hairstyle of the Year goes to...

The playoff beard of Johnny Knox, wide receiver. 2010 was the year that everyone's hair went nuts in Chicago. You had Rashied Davis's habit of airbrushing the back of his head with team logos and inspiring slogans, Matt Toeaina's metal-ass Sepultura hair that seemed to grow in overnight, the mohawks that all the linebackers on the team sported in the preseason, (except Urlacher, who was too bald for it to work and Hunter Hillenmeyer, who opted for the lame-assed faux-hawk instead) the usual hundred guys with fabulous dreadlocks, and Devin Hester's decision to cut his off leading to bizarre experiments, like the look where he had a dreadlocked version of the 1989 Jason Newsted mull-hawk, with "Da Hess" shaved into the side. And hell, by the end of the year, Jay Cutler was even moving away from that "my mom bought a Flowbee" look he's always had. But man, Knox's beard was just too amazing. It made him look like a damn redbone Grady Sanford, and the next time I see him clean-shaven, it's going to destroy me as a man.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Lance Louis, OG. 2008 - Adrian Peterson, RB.

The King Curtis Iaukea Memorial Award for Pacific Islander of the Year goes to...

Matt Toeaina, defensive tackle. This dude had been kept on the bench ever since he showed up huge as a desperation injury replacement in 2007, so it was almost a shock when he started the season usually making the 45-man game roster. From there, he was solid as hell, and by the end of the year, he he had gone from starting in place of Tommie Harris because the coaches were trying to embarrass Harris to starting over him because as of 2010, he was simply a better player. Even after growing out the hair and beard and ruining all my planned DJ Khaled jokes, HE STILL DA BESSSSSTTTTT
Theoretical Past Winners: 2009 - Al Afalava, S. 2008 - Olin Kreutz - C

The Jim Martin Era Faith No More Memorial "From Out of Nowhere" Award for most pleasant surprise goes to...

Tim Jennings, cornerback. If you only look at stats or Madden ratings, the corner position opposite Charles Tillman was supposed to be okay, what with Zack Bowman and his six interceptions there, but rational people knew better. Bowman was a human loser in 2009 who seemed to give up ten touchdowns for every pass he picked off, and the only other options were shrimpy D.J. Moore and Corey Graham, a dude who should really stick to special teams. But god damned if Jennings - a guy picked off the Colts' shitheap to basically just be a warm body in training camp - didn't win the starting job early in the year and help a lot toward the defense not being as bad as it had been the year before. Like he wasn't a superstar or anything, but he wasn't Zack Bowman, and that means a lot.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Devin Aromashodu, WR. 2008 - Josh Beekman, OG

The Jim Martin Era Faith No More "Falling to Pieces" Award for biggest disappointment goes to...

Devin Aromashodu, wide receiver. Man, 2010 was supposed to pretty much be the Year of Aromashodu. After the way he closed out 2009 - following Jay Cutler spending about 14 weeks begging for the coaches to put him in - everyone, including myself and everyone who ever wrote anything about fantasy football, figured this guy would have this huge, monstrous, breakout year. In the end, he dropped a bunch of passes in week one, got put into the Lovie Smith Wide Receiver Doghouse, and was never seen or heard from again. In the end, he caught 10 passes for 149 yards and no touchdowns, which was both one yard and one TD less than he caught in one game against the Vikings a year earlier. And he probably fucked all kinds of people's fantasy football teams to hell and back.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Matt Forte, RB. 2008 - Tommie Harris, DT.

The Israel Idonije Award for Canadian of the Year goes to...

Israel Idonije, defensive end. For years, this dude was just sort of there, barely noticeable on the field, but seeming like a pretty solid dude off of it. But this last year, after the Mark Anderson experiment was finally mercifully destroyed by county officials, the Bears stopped trying to pretend that Izzy was a defensive tackle, moved him back to his natural position, and let him go. And maybe it was the fact that Julius Peppers was on the other side, taking up two or three blockers, or that Tommie Harris was no longer inside, freeing up two or three blockers, but he had himself a fine little year. And seriously, when the Bears played the Bills north of the border, the look on Idonije's face while finally getting to hear "Oh Canada" before an actual meaningful football game was one of the most awesome things. So in your honor, I shall pour out a Labatt's, eat some back bacon, be nice to people, and do whatever the hell else it is that Canadians do.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Israel Idonije, DT. 2008 - Israel Idonije, DT.

The George Blanda Memorial Award for Ex-Bear of the Year goes to...

Brandon Lloyd, wide receiver, Denver Broncos. Thinking back to 2008, I can remember wondering out loud why they kept this guy on the bench, because while Rashied Davis was actually getting playing time after 2007, Juuaquin Iglesias was eating up a roster spot, and Marty Booker was destroying any legacy he would have had if he had ever established one, Lloyd was clearly the best wideout on the team. Two years later, and god damn, after years of being disappointing for San Francisco, sucking ass for Washington, and being pretty good whenever actually allowed to play in Chicago, in 2010, he was the best receiver in the entire league. Well, I guess the quarterback situation was better in Denver, because - oh wait, that's right. The Broncos had Kyle Orton, the same guy the Bears had in '08. When asked if he wanted to tell the 49ers, Redskins, and Bears "I told you so," he went one better and literally told all three teams to fuck themselves. And you know, at least as far as the Bears go, he's right.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Kyle Orton, QB, Broncos. 2008 - Cedric Benson, RB, Bengals.

The Ron Turner's Playbook Memorial Award for 2010 Chicago Bears Least Valuable Player goes to...

TIE: The Doom of 2010 (Olin Kreutz, Roberto Garza, Chris Williams, Frank Omiyale, J'Marcus Webb, Lance Louis, and a few others), offensive line. Because really, could you only pick out one of these turds? I mean, as happy as well all seem to be with the Gabe Carimi draft pick, that still only leaves four more spots on the line that could really use a new starter. 2010's line was awfully, apocalyptically bad. It was as if such a line were assembled for some sinister cross-purpose, like maybe they figured that if Cutler was sacked enough, his physical structure would begin to break down at the most basic atomic level, until at last, he sloughed off his physical form and became a being of pure light; a Neon Knight called by the toll of the bell to save us from the jackals of the street. Or something. Fuck Frank Omiyale.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Frank Omiyale, OG. 2008 - Marty Booker, WR.

The Dennis Gentry Award for Secret Offensive MVP goes to...

Greg Olsen, tight end/fullback/H-back. Last year was a year where talk of the Bears' offense consisted of three things for the most part: Jay Cutler and all the real and imaginary problems he was having, Matt Forte going buck wild whenever they'd bother to give him the ball, and those five assholes up front who did their best to destroy Cutler and Forte. A year ago, Olsen would have been up front and center, but Mike Martz hates receiving tight ends the way most people hate Nazis, so he was mostly removed from the offense's plans, being used as a blocker, despite being the best receiver on the team. But through this and at least one attempt to trade him to the Patriots, Olsen stood tall like a goddamn man, and while he wasn't allowed to keep being the #1 guy on a team of fair-to-middling wide receivers, he still was the go-to guy once things were falling apart and stupid Martz had to finally deviate from his sacred system to actually move the ball. And even though Brandon Manumaleuna was paid a wheel barrow of money to replace Olsen's ball-catching styles with a more blocking fat-guy style of tight end play, it was Olsen who ended up as the better blocker of the two. Olsen did everything he was asked to do, did it better than the players Martz would have rather used to do those things, and as bad as it got sometimes in 2010, it would have been way worse without G-Reg locking his shit down.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Jay Cutler's insulin. 2008 - Desmond Clark, TE

The Wilber Marshall's Cartilage Memorial Award for Secret Defensive MVP goes to...

Chris Harris, safety. In the Bears' brief glory years of the mid-80s, Wilber Marshall was a beast, a Hall of Fame caliber player who could do everything and change games with his presence. Problem was, the same could have been said about Mike Singletary, Richard Dent, and Dan Hampton too, players like Gary Fencik and Steve McMichael weren't far behind, and the Fridge sure could sell some hamburgers, so the guy never really got noticed for the most part. Such is life for Chris Harris.
With everyone freaking out over the Julius Peppers signing and the return of a healthy, non-shitty Brian Urlacher, no one seemed to care when the Bears corrected one of the biggest (of so many) mistakes they've made since 2006 and brought this dude back, after three years in Carolina. Seemed like every time there was a clutch play that absolutely had to be made, Harris made it, and became the unofficial king of the comeback-killing, game-sealing late interception. And with the calming influence of a veteran starter that was actually good, fellow safety Danieal Manning actually stopped sucking. So summing up: Bears in 2006, with Chris Harris? NFC Champions. Bears with Harris in 2010? Division champs, one game away from the Super Bowl. Bears with his spot manned by Adam Archuleta, Kevin Payne, Al Afalava, or whoever the hell else was over there? Shitty. Hitman Harris is the guy.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Jamar Williams, LB. 2008 - Israel Idonije, DT

The Alonzo Spellman Rampage Award for Controversy, Off-the-Field Issue, or Other News Story of the Year goes to...

Jay Cutler Mannerismgate, NFC Championship Game - On one hand, we've been over this whole thing before, and having to dignify the situation with any sort of response still makes me sick to my ass, but on the other hand, I just remembered some stuff I meant to put in the original post and left out, so just consider this whole thing some sort of DVD extra deleted scene or something. Anyway, when Sanders, Schlereth, and everyone else's mothers were hammering on Jay Cutler, one of the recurring themes was "well, if that was (insert name of elite quarterback here), then blah blah blah blah," where basically anyone they named would have just sucked it up and played, like it was the 1920s, no quadrillion dollar contracts were at stake, and playing quarterback on a torn-up knee was a thing you could do. With that in mind, here's a sample of how some of those guys would have done in that situation:
Peyton Manning: Still leaves game after injury, but rather than quietly sulking, spends a good ten minutes cussing his linemen like dogs before being told to shut the fuck up by the one black dude.
Aaron Rodgers: Situation plays out the exact same way, but rather than calling the dude soft and accusing him of faking an injury, all you hear about is how they never should have let Brett Favre go.
Brett Favre: Takes two or three exaggerated limping steps, then has to be helped off the field, all while wailing, gnashing his teeth, and tearing out his beard over how the gods could have struck down a knee as glorious and golden as his. Then returns to the game for the next series, because it's early in the first quarter and the actual injury hasn't happened yet. After it finally happens, he sits out a couple quarters until he looks up and notices that even with the backup quarterback in there, the team has stumbled ass-backwards into being within a touchdown. He immediately insists on returning to the game, and after seven minutes of inspired play, the team loses by 21.
Phillip Rivers: Leaves game and doesn't come back, and a few years later when a player they don't like does the exact same thing, all the ESPN types use selective amnesia and creative license to make it sound like he played the entire game. (see what I did there?)
Tony Romo: Somehow plays through the injury, and miraculously has an inspired game, throwing for over 300 yards, three touchdowns, and only one interception, nearly leading the Cowboys to victory. After the game, Dallas fans spend the next nine months calling for Romo to be traded and for Jon Kitna to be named starter, all citing the one interception.
Michael Vick: Eats three dogs at halftime, absorbing their pure canine souls and using them to heal his torn ligament. Philadelphia wins NFC title and Super Bowl, and Vick eats five more dogs in celebration.
Tom Brady: After knee-injuring sack, play is temporarily suspended, as Roger Goodell calls an emergency meeting of the Rules Committee to make all on-field physical contact illegal. After play resumes, several opposing players are killed by RPG fire coming from the Patriots' bench. Another emergency meeting is called to begin destroying all video evidence of the game, and in the aftermath, Bill Belichik is fined a hundred dollars and handed down a three-game suspension, to be served whenever he decides to retire. For shits and giggles, James Harrison is fined $800,000 and shot.
Drew Brees: Knee magically healed at halftime by Jesus; Saints win.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Josh McDaniels runs Jay Cutler out of Denver and into Chicago. 2008 - Brian Urlacher's crazy stripper ex-girlfriend accuses him of trying to turn their son gay.

The Henchman 24 Memorial Award for Special Teams Player of the Year goes to...

Corey Graham, cornerback. Special teams players have a hard life. They have to be complete insane killers, ready to run full speed into immovable objects with unstoppable force, and at the end of the day, they know that no matter how well they do their jobs, they're going to be anonymous to the fans and expendable to the coaching staff. Nameless, faceless, underpaid, and expected to be crushed and killed for the good of the players that supposedly really matter, the special teamer is both the asshole and backbone of the game. And of all of those poor crazy fucks, none were better in 2010 - regardless of what the Pro Bowl/All Pro voters said - than Corey Graham.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Tim Shaw, LB. 2008 - Garrett Wolfe, RB.

The Chicago Bears Quarterback Position Memorial Award for Offensive Player of the Year goes to...

Matt Forte, running back. With a passing game crippled by the Doom of 2010, Jay Cutler's occasional bouts with Favreitis, and Mike Martz's painful life of denial, you'd think there'd be no hope in running the ball, but somehow, this guy pulled it off. Only being used as anything but a safety-valve receiver for the last eight games or so, he went for over 1,000 yards and over 4 yards carry, and with the sixteen phonebooks I've written about the Bears' offensive line last year, both of those stats are fucking amazing. And in the role of receiver - sometimes even lining up wide, as opposed to just coming out of the backfield - he caught over 51 passes to tie for the team lead, which probably means that he was responsible for keeping at least 30 QB sacks off the stat sheet, when Olsen would be left to block, no one else could get open, and Frank Omiyale would be standing where a defensive lineman used to be, wondering what it was that he was supposed to be doing, because dammit, he knew there was something. Anyway, the Bears' 2010 offense was bad, but without Matt Forte, it would have been a complete disaster. It's really too bad that we have a pass-first offensive coordinator and a multi-zillion dollar quarterback contract to squeeze all the value out of, because on a lot of teams, this dude would be a superstar.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Greg Olsen, TE. 2008 - Matt Forte, RB.

The Bitching About Richard Dent Not Being in the Hall of Fame Memorial Award for Defensive Player of the Year goes to...

Julius Peppers, defensive end. In Carolina, Julius Peppers sat on a throne of blood in a castle of pain. But upon his much-heralded arrival in Chicago, The Überklaw's true Season of Evil began. He didn't have the glamorous sack totals to make it obvious, but the dude was the truth last year, and even when not making it to the quarterback or shutting down the running game way more than a DE is expected to, seemed to always be drawing a holding penalty or inspiring a false start, particularly that first Packers game, which had to be the first time I've ever seen a player take over a game, literally through fear alone. 2010 was the first time the team has had a real threat at defensive end since both of those times that Wannstedt got rid of Dent, the first time there had been a truly dominant player since Urlacher was still young, and the first time the Bears have had a lineman that teams absolutely had to double or triple-team since Tommie Harris's lower body stopped working. It a was a time for terrible and dreaded doom, and goddammit, for once, it wasn't always our guys being subjected to it.

Smashing bloody laws
The Uber Klaw
The gaping maw
We share this fate
It's life's one law

Theoretical Past Winners: 2009 - Lance Briggs, LB. 2008 - Lance Briggs, LB.

And finally...

The Frodo Baggins Memorial Award for Special Achievement in the Destruction of Evil goes to...

Corey Wootton, defensive end. 2010 was the year that will go down in history, as it was the year that Evil was destroyed and a dark shadow was lifted from the land, as Dark Lord Brett Favre was concussed into late retirement by the most unlikely of players. While the Bears defense was defined by its fell captains Urlacher and Peppers, it was a mere late-round rookie who landed the death-blow that saved the planet from another twelve years of the slurping of Favre's tiny ding-dong. It just goes to show that anyone, from the greatest to the least of us, can be a True Hero, and while you can learn everything there is to know about Jerry Angelo's experimentally-drafted defensive ends in a month, after a hundred years, they can still surprise you. Thank you, Corey Wootton. May your children grow tall and strong, and may death come swiftly to your enemies.
...And so closes the book on 2010.

NEXT TIME: I dunno, something about another rookie that won't get to play this year probably.

2010 Bears Post-Season Awards, Part 2: Gritty Comebacks

[Last time we met: 2010 Rashaan Salaam's Bong Memorial Rookie of the Year: J'Marcus Webb.]

Football season is over. My brain's way of randomly pulling up information that I figured I'd never need tells me that this was the title of Hunter S. Thompson's suicide note. And it's kind of an appropriate thing to mention, I guess, both with football over for possibly a much longer time than usual and with Dave Duerson taking himself out a little while back. It's the end. The end of a yearly institution, a weekly ritual, a daily distraction, and an occasional drain on my finances. No more games, no more runs, no more passes. No more field goals or groin injuries. No more reasonable excuses to look at the Bears section on Rotoworld. And the current labor situation meaning that it could possibly be gone until way later than next fall cast way more of a pall over the end of the season than the bummer that it usually is. But you know what? This is not the time to be a downer. This is not the time to speak of grim, horrible, screaming death. This is not a suicide note - It's a love letter. A love letter to you and me and everyone and everything. This love letter is the 2010 Armchair Linebacker Chicago Bears Post Season Awards Celebration.

Award the Second: The Brian Piccolo Memorial Award for Gritty, Hard-Working Fan Favorite of the Year.


Brian Piccolo, or "Pic" as he was referred to by fans and teammates alike, has become a huge part of the team's 90-year history. Despite being a career backup whose on-field contributions to the team have been all but forgotten, his tragic death was immortalized in what is widely considered the greatest TV-movie of all time, (Lonesome Dove was a miniseries, which is a whole other category, you know) and he has become a beloved and cherished part of team lore, alongside greats such as Payton and Butkus. Meanwhile, Willie "The Wisp" Galimore was one of the NFL's brightest stars during his brief career and would have most certainly gone down as one of the league's all time greats, had his life not been tragically cut short, but compared to the eternal memory history has for Piccolo, he has been virtually forgotten by all but the most internet-savvy Bears fans. Not sure why, though.

It's a mystery.

But nevertheless, the Piccolo award for White Guy of the Year goes to:

Patrick Mannelly - Long-snapper.

It was a rough year for gritty fan-favorites this year in Chicago. Tim Shaw got released, Zeke Markshausen and Eric Peterman both failed to make the team, and Craig Steltz still sucks. But Mannelly was there, just like he's seemingly always been there. And that's an official thing now, as he's played more consecutive games than any other Bear, ever. Of course, it's not like a long-snapper gets smashed in the head as often as a quarterback or whatever, but that's got to count for something. And it's that sort of gritty, day-in, day-out dependability, mixed with a lack of athletic skill that causes him to lean heavily on the fundamentals - the dude actually won an award for fundamentals from someone I can't remember - that makes him the true essence of the gritty white-guy fan favorite. He may not be able to run fast or jump high, and he's likely to retire without ever scoring a touchdown or having a rookie card made, but goddammit, he's there. Time is but a window, death is but a door, and Patrick Mannelly will be here now and forever.

Theoretical Past Winners: DT Dusty Dvoracek (2008) and LB/ST Tim Shaw (2009)

Award the Third: The Zombie Brian Piccolo Award for Comeback Player of the Year.

Brian Piccolo, or "Pic" as he was referred to by fans and teammates alike, has become a huge part of the team's 90-year history. Despite being a career backup whose on-field contributions to the team have been all but forgotten, his tragic death was immortalized in what is widely considered the greatest TV-movie of all time, (Roots was a miniseries, which is a whole other category, you know) and he has become a beloved and cherished part of team lore, alongside greats such as Payton and Butkus. But as the saying goes, "you can't keep a good man down," and neither death nor six feet of dirt were enough to keep Piccolo down. No one knows how he rose from his unquiet grave or what gave him such an insatiable appetite for human flesh, but what we do know is that in a three-day rampage, Zombie Pic killed or maimed thirty-seven people before finally being subdued by a group of plucky teenagers and a creepy old man that everyone thought was a killer, but was really just an okay old dude who knew a lot about zombies. He still remains a beloved figure in Chicago sports however, even after his zombie murder rampage, due to the fact that at least 32 of his victims were believed to be Packers fans, and that one other guy Carl was kind of a prick. And speaking of the rage of the undead, the 2010 Comeback Player of the Year Award goes to:

Brian Urlacher - Middle Linebacker

This one was pretty much a no-brainer, honestly. Because yeah, everyone knows that he missed pretty much all of 2009, but even for a dude up into his thirties, a wrist injury isn't usually a career-ender. So even while he was sitting at home, conducting bitchy interviews about teammates and essentially becoming the literal Armchair Linebacker, there was never any concern, at least for me, that he'd be back the next year playing at the same level he was before. The problem there is that this is the dude with the degenerative neck condition (or whatever it was. Research is for suckers. Fuck the police.) who declined in 2007 and pretty much sucked by Urlacher standards in 2008. So in a season where I was prepared to watch him get swallowed up by blockers and think out loud why we didn't draft any of those five thousand linebackers who came out in 2009, Urlacher just showed the hell up again and owned the world for most of the season, and then gave the performance of three lifetimes in that shit-awful NFC Championship game. So for at least one year, the world felt at least semi-right again. Or something.

Theoretical Past Winners: Man, seriously, I don't think the Bears have really had any comeback lately. I guess Mike Brown did play several games in 2008 or something. Eh, forget it.

Next Time: Man, this post took me months to bother to finish, so if I ever close out the post season awards, it'll probably all in one big thing with just a couple sentences for each player. That opening paragraph sounded way better in February.

2010 Bears Post-Season Awards, Part 1: R.O.Y.

Awards presented by your hosts, Pedobear and Knife Bear.

So, football is over now. I know, there's the small issue of a superlative Bowl to be settled, but for me, no more football. None last week, none this week, and perhaps none at all in the year to come. Now, there's nothing left but to think about what was, bitch abut what might have been, and pretend that what little news slips through the cracks in the months to come actually means that football is still going on for real. So for now, Richard Dent stands on the cusp of being denied Hall of Fame entrance once again, and Jerry Angelo hiring Tim Ruskell last year as an assistant/emergency scapegoat means that not only are the Bears still trying to build a winning team off of the Buccaneers' and Rams' glory years of nearly a decade ago, but now, they're apparently going to start adding bits and pieces of the late-2000s downhill slide of the Seahawks to the mix. Fun. But with things as they are, there will probably be lots of time to speak of such things in the future. For now, it is time to take a look back at the year that was. It's time for some dang awards.

PICTURED: The third result for a Google Image Search for the term "some dang awards."

First, we stop to remember one of the finest rookie seasons in Chicago History. In 1995, the Bears had one of the most potent offenses the team ever had, led by the passing attack of Erik Kramer, Jeff Graham, and some other guys not normally associated with the words "potent passing attack." Meanwhile, first-round draft pick Rashaan Salaam was rewriting the team's rookie running back record book, running for over 1,000 yards, scoring ten touchdowns, and finishing high in the running for NFL Rookie of the Year. And today, we remember him as one of the finest rookies in Bears history, and as not much beyond that, because 1995 was the only season where he ever really did anything. Today, he blames his failures (and many, many fumbles) on a crippling addiction to the Devil Weed, despite the fact that he was still pretty much doing his best Doug Benson impression for that season as well as his entire legendary college career. Perhaps the secret of this brief success lied in his bong. The world's most perfect bong, hand-crafted of the finest imported glass, and standing well over two feet tall, it was a bong worthy of Chong himself, and it served him well for many years, until it was tragically knocked off the coffee table by former Colorado teammate Michael Westbrook, following an argument over a heated game of Super Mario Kart. It was all downhill from there, as Salaam lost the effects of his legendary and perhaps magical bong, even after repeated Super-Gluings. And as his career failed, we soon remembered him only as the superstar rookie that he once was.

R.I.P.

And now, the time has come to honor and remember the former World's Greatest Bong in the form of an internet blog award. So without further ado, the 2010 recipient of the Rashaan Salaam's Bong Memorial Rookie of the Year Award is none other than offensive tackle J'Marcus Webb.

"For real?"

As an unheralded seventh-round draft pick out of West Texas A&M, not much was expected out of Webb. And well, uhh, I gotta be honest, not much was delivered by him, either. Seriously, the offensive line - The Doom of 2010 - was the weakest link of the Bears, and while Webb wasn't the weakest link of that weakest link, he probably would have been if Frank Omiyale or the thirteen guys not named Garza that they tried at guard had never been born. But really, what was I to do? The Bears only had three rookies on the roster this year. Their highest-profile draft pick was Dan LeFevour, a quarterback who never should have been drafted and ended up being a Cincinnati Bengal anyway. Meanwhile of the other two guys to actually make the 53-man roster, Major Wright was hurt for most of the year and not good for much other than late-hit penalties for the rest of it, and even though he did cast down the Dark Lord once and for all, Corey Wootton saw the field even less than he did. If nothing else, J'Marcus Webb was out there for most of the year, starting week in and week out, trying to make up for the manifold failures of former first round pick Chris Williams that put him in that place.

Maybe he should have stuck with hockey.

And really, let's not forget the fact that he really was a guy who shouldn't have been out there. He's a raw-ass physical talent without the polish that a rookie from a major college program would have, and probably the only reasons he was even on the game day roster in the first place were because they figured they couldn't sneak him on to the practice squad and because GM Angelo had already used up his one phantom injury rookie red shirt Injured Reserve spot on running back Harvey Unga. So really, we never should have even seen Webb until 2011. But when the Williams experiment failed and something about having Kevin Shaffer in the starting lineup apparently scared the coaching staff shitless, he was thrown to the wolves. And yeah, he was awful. J'Marcus Webb's 2010 rookie campaign was one marked by countless sacks-allowed and holding penalties, (or maybe they've been counted but I don't feel like looking it up) but you can't forget that he got better with every week. Sure, he was still way below average even by the playoffs, but considering how much of a hole he started off in, it was still shockingly encouraging in the end.

And these seriously exist.

As it stands right now, with a full year of starting experience and the knowledge that it really can't get any worse under his belt. Webb is a favorite to take over at the all-important left tackle position in 2011. And we could do worse. Hell, for the last few years, between Omiyale, John St. Clair, and the withered-up husks of Fred Miller and Orlando Pace, we really have done worse. But St. Clair was an out-of-position career backup, Omiyale was an inexplicably-employed career backup, Miller and Pace had both been playing since the Coolidge administration, and with 20/20 hindsight, Chris Williams was pretty much doomed from the start. So we've still got a potentially bad prospective LT starter, but for once, at least it's one with the arrow hopefully pointing up. So congratulations, J'Marcus Webb. You... Well, you sure were a rookie playing in 2010.


Theoretical past winners, had I bothered to do this in the past: RB Matt Forte (2008) and WR/KR Johnny Knox (2009)

Next Time: The 2010 Brian Piccolo Memorial Award for Excellence as a Gritty, Hard-Working Fan Favorite, as well as the 2010 Zombie Brian Piccolo Memorial Comeback Player of the Year Award.

the Negative Energy Swirls of FedEx Field

It is interesting to me how memes rise suddenly in this hyper-electronic age, because after barely paying attention to the Redskins getting punked at home by the previously mostly impotent Brett Favre and his Minnesota Football Vikings, it occurred to me that FedEx Field has not been that intimidating a presence on the NFL schedule for people, or really that great a place as a home fan. I’ve never been personally, mostly because by the time I felt like I could go, I hated Dan Snyder so much that I refuse to give him parking money and all the other shit that comes with travelling to wherever in godless suburban Maryland this atrocity is outside of D.C. I have very fond memories of RFK Stadium, including losing my mind at a Grateful Dead show under the influence of acid and mushrooms, having mutual oral sex with what in retrospect I can only assume was probably a 14-year-old, and having fishing wire fall from the sky and cut up my forearms. Seriously. Ask Eric. RFK was both a shithole and great place, all at once, and it would actually bounce when it got going, like the concrete literally moving with the throngs of energy from the mass of people all moving in the same psychic direction at once. Now I am no sports marketer, but that’s what the fuck a sports arena/stadium is supposed to be about. Old and decrepit and a concrete stained with blood, piss, and the heart and soul of fifty years of miserable fucks rooting for their miserable home team in the same miserable colors as the actual athletes. That’s fucking sports, and I don’t mean the million dollar contracts and billion dollar industries sports, but sports in the sense of what made different cities say, “Hey, I bet my dudes could naked grapple your dudes to the fucking ground, you weak bitches!” back in ancient times. It’s in us.
But American sports of the successful team varieties turned into golden geese that those in ownership figured would just keep on giving and giving and never get sick. Well, hold up, that’s what the Redskins are now, but before I go off yet again on what a piece of shit Dan Snyder is, let us rewind a bit.
There was a dude named Jack Kent Cooke who owned the Washington Redskins, and he would hire a General Manager and a Head Coach, and they would make decisions for ol’ Jack. If ever there was a disagreement that the GM and coach could not come together on, then they both would present their side to Jack and he would be the tiebreaker. But otherwise, he stayed the fuck out the way. It was through this process that he accumulated the three Lombardi trophies that were part of the Redskins estate sold off after his death. He had put into motion the building of a new stadium, to replace RFK, with the fans in mind, but spot after spot got nixed by local politicos, until finally they ended up in Maryland in probably the worst spot of them all they looked at. But they started building Jack Kent Cooke Stadium.
After Jack’s death, his kids couldn’t really agree on owning all his shit (although he left most of his wealth to charity), and were trying to get an ownership package together to take over the team, an early version of which included Dan Snyder. Somewhere along the way, Snyder went renegade and decided to be majority owner on his own, and he took over the team after the NFL cartel of overlords approved his purchase. Soon thereafter, the naming rights to Jack Kent Cooke Stadium were sold to FedEx, to bring in some revenue, which is the one thing Snyder has been consistently good at as an owner. (Redskins set NFL attendance records every year, mostly because of how giant the stadium is compared to normal NFL stadium capacities.)
FedEx Field opened for business in 1997, and it has not been the wonderful home you would hope. A D.C. politician this week was calling for a new stadium to be built in D.C. proper as soon as possible, basically saying, “Fuck FedEx” just in political fucker terms. And for some reason, the same time this thought crossed my mind, it was on local sports radio this week, and I even read an article about it last night. Very strange. Seems like these memes get shot into our brains from the cybersphere sometimes.
Nonetheless, I am a metascientist, so I dug up the info on Redskins games at FedEx Field since it opened. The basic premise to being a successful NFL football team is to win all your home games and split your road games. It is very simple, and preached by coaches from Lombardi to Ditka to Reeves to Joe Gibbs and I even heard a dude from the Falcons on Jim Shitass Rome say the same thing this week about their attitude. It is a simple philosophy that will always lead to success if you can meet those lofty goals. But beyond that, if you are winning at home, your home crowd is insane with deliriums, and will be a 12th, 13th, and 14th man on the field with you, every play. It’s fact. It’s also fact that that is not the case at FedEx Field, with noted butterfingers Carlos Rogers even talking about how sometimes it’s harder for the Redskins at home than on the road with fans cussing at them and complaining. In fact, the Redskins going into this weekend are one of the rare instances of an NFL team having a better record on the road than at home (2-4 at home, 3-2 away).
Again, I will refrain from going into a Dan Snyder sucks hissy fit and say this is the fruits to his corporate labors, fans no longer giving a fuck to be nice to their own team. Where else do we direct our anger? But let’s stick to the stats…
In April of 1997, Jack Kent Cooke died, and left the team to his charitable foundation, with his son John running the group (and also trying to get an ownership group to buy the team), announcing the coming season would be played at the newly named Jack Kent Cooke Stadium. Norv Turner was in the 4th year of his NFL head coaching gig (which was endless torture for me as a fan), and Darrell Green was still playing. They opened their new stadium that first season with a 5-2-1 record at JKC Stadium, that tie being very notable as the 7-7 painful Sunday night game against the Giants were Gus Frerotte headbutted himself out of the game celebrating the Redskins only touchdown. They went 3-5 on the road that year, which is decent enough, but did not get more than a sniff of the playoffs.
1998, 4-4 at home, so winning formula shot to hell.
In the spring of 1999, Dan Snyder was approved as owner, and sold the naming rights immediately to the highest bidder. Jack Kent Cooke’s name was removed from the team. This year, they did hold their own at FedEx, going 6-2 at home, and splitting their road games, to make the playoffs as NFC East champions, beating the Lions at home, and then losing at Tampa. Seriously, if you have followed this blog with any regularity, it is almost amazing to think the Lions played the Redskins in a playoff game at some point in our lives.
When Y2K hit, apparently FedEx Field reverted to what will be it’s modus operandi, and the novelty of a new owner wore off, and the Redskins split their home games, 4-4, also splitting their road games, to finish 8-8. Thankfully, Norv Turner was run off before the end of the season, letting Terry Robiskie be the only token black head coach in Redskins history, for a couple of games.
2001, same thing with Marty Schottenheimer in charge, splitting both home and road games, to go 8-8. And though the team seemed to be coming together at the end of the year, Snyder made one of his many Big Splash Decisions, and fired Schottenheimer to bring in the much ballyhooed Ol’ Ball Coach Steve Spurrier.
2002, Spurrier’s first year, they had their third winning record in JKC/FedEx history, going 5-3 at home, but a rough 2-6 on the road, so no playoffs. The next two years, all Spurrier could squeeze out of his leadership was a 3-5 record at home, and about the same on the road. Spurrier decided to bolt, being in over his head, and running out of visors to slam on the ground, as well as good golf courses in the greater D.C. metropolitan area to play peacefully at.
Snyder made a new Big Splash Decision, talking Joe Gibbs into coming back into coaching. And looking at the stats, I have to say, when you see the overall body of work of the Redskins under Dan Snyder, as well as what Joe Gibbs accomplished, I don’t think anyone can say he tarnished his legend by coming back. I think he actually improved it to be honest with you. In fact, this week as the Redskins are for all intents and purposes eliminated from playoff contention, the locker room talk you hear is how in ’05 and ’07 they had a ridiculous end of the season run to make the playoffs. Those were two of Joe Gibbs’ three years coming back. They went 6-2 at home in ’05, 3-5 in ’06, and 5-3 in ’07, earning a wild card berth to the playoffs the first and last of those years (when they perfectly split their road games 4-4, going 2-6 away in ’06, and proving the formula for success mentioned earlier to be true). Three playoff games in two appearances, all of them on the road, and a pair of losses to the Seahawks, and Joe Gibbs was done. The whole Sean Taylor thing drained him, as well as trying to create a winning environment in a doomed climate like FedEx Field.
Snyder did a reverse Big Splash after Gibbs left, hiring Jim Zorn as an offensive coordinator first, without a head coach, then promoting him after a couple of intense sleepovers with Vinny Cerrato at his mansion on the Potomac, grilling Zorn’s coaching philosophy by using Madden in franchise mode. Zorn’s first year in 2008, it was another perfectly mediocre split, again, 4-4 at home, 4-4 on the road, 8-8, as stay medium as you could get. It was also the fourth 4-4 home record in FedEx’s 12 year history (as well as the 9th time they didn’t get over 8 wins on the year). Zorn’s second year, the wheels had started to come off of what Joe Gibbs had built, and he only went 3-5 at home (plus a terrible 1-7 on the road), and Zorny was gone. Poor guy. I will always feel badly for Jim Zorn because the harshest mark on his coaching career is gonna simply be because he got caught up in Dan Snyder’s sphere of nonsense. What QB coach in the NFL is gonna turn down a coordinator offer? And if it somehow gets upgraded to head coach for no reason, who is gonna say no to that? Exactly.
So now we are in the first year of Mike Shanahan (who I can’t help but compare to Joe Gibbs, and Shanny is not showing and proving as well according to the W/Ls), and we are 2-4 at home. But that 2-4 is misleading even, because really it’s been far worse. Opening week against Dallas, the Skins didn’t look good so much as the Cowboys looked worse. And they still had the winning TD on the last play of the game get nullified by a stupid penalty by a Cowboys’ O-lineman. The following week, the Skins found a way to blow a big lead on the Texans, get taken to OT, and lose a heartbreaker by 3. Three weeks later, and we had what was our best home game of the year, playing a hard-hitting ugly game against the Packers, and beating them by a field goal in OT. The next week though was another 3 point loss to the Colts, at FedEx. And man, that was a tough game to stomach while watching.
A full four weeks later brought us to that Monday night game against the Eagles, which was so terrible that I’m not sure I’ll ever forget it. Like that was one of the most embarrassing moments the Redskins have ever displayed, ever, home or away, Dan Snyder owning them or not. Any home cooking FedEx might’ve still been holding onto was run the fuck out of town that night. So this past weekend, when they were having another lackluster effort against the previously unimpressive Minnesota Vikings, yeah, the fans were giving the Skins shit. Why the fuck not?
We’ve got two home games left, hosting the Buccaneers and the Gianst, a pair of potential playoff teams, and my hopes for neither game is that great, as this long list of recent history should prove how there is no home field advantage for the Redskins. But what is the problem? And how do we move on?
Look, first off, this season is a lost cause. Anyone who is trying to say they can win five in a row and make the playoffs is a fool (which means Santana Moss is a fool, but yeah). And though FedEx Field has only been hosting Redskins games for fourteen years now, it’s still the oldest home stadium in the NFC East. So the real money-is-no-object solution to the problem would be to knock the fucker down and build something inside D.C., maybe near the Nationals stadium, and be a for-real home team again, not a satellite sporting event. But Snyder won’t do that, because FedEx is a cash cow for him, and their lease runs until like 2047 or some crazy shit like that.
So taking that into consideration, I have come to the conclusion that something terrible happened during that sixth home game in 1997 against the Giants, when Norv Turner was coaching, and Gus Frerotte headbutted the wall and injured himself. At the time, we were all like, “Haha, the QB hurt himself, what a dumbass!” because how do you hurt yourself like that? Well, I think something bigger happened at that moment, bigger than just one knuckleheaded moment. With Jack Kent Cooke gone, and a new stadium creating it’s own new energy, plus fans full of all that pent up psychic power they used to be able to express freely at RFK, not to mention the negative history of the native American people who are behind that somewhat racist Redskins name, as well as the 42 Chinamen who died while they were building FedEx Field, there was a lot of energy swirling around. Somehow in that one moment, when Gus Frerotte scampered in for a TD and lightly tapped the wall with his head, a vacuum of mediocrity was created, eliminating any chance of super successes in the building. How else do you explain having as many 4-4 season as you have had winning seasons? How else do you explain all the 8-8 years, and all the field goal losses, and the general overwhelming mediocrity, no matter how Big a Splash our dear leader can come up with?
FedEx Field needs some cleansing, and I don’t mean washing the walls down or putting up a bigger jumboscreen. I mean some deep down psychic cleansing. First thing I would do is somehow put Jack Kent Cooke’s name in there more prominently, somehow. It’s the right thing to do. Second thing I’d do, and most of this would have to happen after the season is over, is bring in some native American shaman types. Look, in my real life, I burn sage often, to purify the spirit. I have an old house that is haunted at times, and it needs to be saged from time to time, just so we can feel comfortable in our home. I have done a few sweat lodges and can speak from personal experience that the soul cleansing nature of sage smoke is no fucking joke. I would immediately be directing the behemoth Redskins PR department not at local news outlets to do fluff pieces on how all Dan Snyder wants to do is win, but work on outreach with the native communities, both within driving distance of FedEx Field, but really all over the country. Throw $2 mil of that $9 mil naming deal into building football fields/sports complexes in downtrodden reservation lands in the midwest. Bring these people into FedEx, and burn the biggest stack of sage you can. Perform some cleansing ceremonies. (Hell, I fear there may be some secret curse put on the grounds now that I think about it.) Put up a sweat lodge at the 50-yard line and get Gus Frerotte in there. I would invite Norv Turner as well, maybe Spurrier and Riggins and Lavar Arrington and whoever might need to take part in this. Cleanse the entire building, smudge every entrance with sage smoke, every locker, let healing hands swipe across all prominent surfaces to remove the negative energy trapped in this godforsaken place.
And give the fans something. Really all we want is for the Redskins to win, so if you do all this other stuff, and allow Shanahan to continue to do what it looks like he might be doing, then maybe it’ll work out. But don’t give us stupid fucking Billy Ray Cyrus concerts. Knock $10 off the parking fees or $2 off the price of a beer in the 2nd quarter, or something. Right now it feels like FedEx is an oversized ATM machine, not a football stadium, and that is why fans are upset, and why they don’t give a shit to bitch and moan while at the game. So in essence, the 12th man advantage is now blocking for the other team. But it’s not our fault.
I hope if you have made it this far, and you are a Redskins fan, you will pass this piece along to your friends, because I feel something must be done to salvage this stadium’s potential power, and the more this thing spirals virally, the better chance it has of being incorporated into an actual plan to reclaim Jack Kent Cooke Stadium. I know this might just seem like some wacky internet nonsense by some crazy fucker, but I can tell you right now, my heart is pure. I am wearing a thrift store Redskins softball jersey as I type, and did not even realize it until I just looked down. I fucking care, more than I should, and all I want is for us to once again crush the spirits of our enemies. Instead, we are wallowing in this vortex of mediocrity and crushing ourselves. This is normal human behavior, to get stuck in these negative energy fields. A deep thick cleansing is the only solution. Trust me.