Pro & Con with Neil & Raven: TIM TEBOW

PRO (Raven): Tebow has used his Jesus love to be blindly believing in what he is doing, and seemingly wants to win more than anything. The Jets had a lot of swagger last year, but unfortunately like most uses of that word “swag” nowadays, there wasn’t a lot of actual bad assery to back it up. That is not to say Tim Tebow is some sort of bad ass, because he is as meek as a tender lamb – you can see it in his eyes, and yet he is a warrior. I would have seven Tebows on my team if I could, specifically at a FB/TE hybrid position, which could shift into a bruiser wildcat style formation as well. Honestly, I think my favorite Godboy Joe Gibbs would’ve done well with a Tebow in his arsenal. I mean, football is basically just dudes trying to convince themselves to be dumbasses anyways and go against normal logic. With Herr Goodell parading around condemning every minor offense possible like a goddamned Jerry Falwell of football, it sort of makes sense to be ahead of the curve and accumulate Jesus freaks who will concuss themselves for football glory as opposed to the traditional drunken scumbags who have become a corporate liability in today’s façade-driven NFL. So I say not only do we need more Tebow, we need more Tebows – as in plural, multiplication, all of that. And if there are more good moral role models like Tebow for the youth of the world, well then that means more pills and pussy for me.

CON (Neil): Fuck him, he is a charlatan and a false prophet and he will be either eaten by snakes on live TV or turned into a junkie sodomite wandering the streets of New York, like Jon Voigt in Midnight Cowboy, all dumb and naive while this world tears him apart. His faith is shallow, a faith built on institutions and a child's understanding of humanity, the universe and spirituality, an arrogant sort of faith, lazy and self-righteous. The face of God is a wild savage, naked, chasing after an antelope and then going home and slapping skins with his wife next to a cookfire where the whole tribe can hear them get after it. The face of God is not some petty-king young millionaire braying about faith like some sleazy con-artist in a hot pink shirt, turning his own personal failures into a referendum on all man's faith. Stephen Tulloch mocked you not because of your faith, Tim Tebow but because you understand nothing and are a self-righteous ass, Pat Robertson in cleats. Stephen Tulloch was the hammer of God. Jesus would have whipped your ass, mocked you with a few parables while his bros laughed and then drank all the wine. ALLLLLLLLL THE WINE. You sniveling pussy. You hide behind God because you are afraid to live and that is not spirituality or faith, that is cowardice. Amen.

ACLB BIG STORIES OF THE DAY

[I am going to do a new thing where I recap the Big 3 Stories of the day, as Neil and myself have shucked ourselves down to the mental cob, and have decided we will write about everything NFL related this year. Of course we will probably bitch and moan and jibber jabber deliriously about the Lions and Redskins, but fuck man, that’s a lot of stupid fuckers writing NFL bullshit inside these interwebs, and me and Neil should just be doing it all. Seriously. Fuck all these weak ass pussy writers.]

BIG STORY #1: SEAN PAYTON’S 2012 SACRIFICED TO ROGER GOODELL’S GODS OF LAW
Don’t get it twisted and think this is too much or too little or overblown or simply about the changing of NFL culture. Because it’s not. I would guarantee you that last season, out of 32 teams, there were 32 locker rooms with some sort of “bounty” system, albeit less organized than what Gregg Williams did. But it’s not like Gregg Williams dreamed that shit up in a cocaine-fueled frenzy somewhere along the Baja Peninsula. Headhunting is part and parcel of the NFL. Unfortunately, so are crippled motherfuckers after they’re playing days are over. And the crippled motherfuckers have started to band together in little pockets, and get lawyers, and the possibility of a class-action lawsuit would have become more and more real the more dudes killed themselves or had dementia or displayed very textbook post traumatic brain injury tendencies. Thus, the NFL was going to be super-militant, so that when these questions come up in the future, in a court room, Roger Goodell can say, “As soon as we knew what was scientifically happening, we had a zero tolerance policy. Our hands are clean.” There will be other perfectly innocent men according to historical NFL standards who will be sacrificed at the hands of this legal maneuvering. But the NFL will not get crushed with liability for every player ever. They’re playing lawyerball, as Hank Hill would say.

BIG STORY #2: TIM TEBOW GOES TO THE JETS (BUT MAYBE NOT)
Hearing about Tebow going to the Jets made me lololol in my brain all afternoon. Here you have the goldenboy Jesusback, going to play with a fat dude with a foot fetish. How would Tebow be able to let his retarded kid charity people stand sideline when Rex is over there cussing left and right and masturbating to old Leg Shows during booth review instant replays? Still though, I thought a Mark Sanchez/Tim Tebow reality TV show, where they shared an apartment, would’ve probably been the only reality show I’d ever want to watch.
But now Tebow is pulling his God card, and had always wanted to go to Florida, where he grew up and played college ball and lived amongst a bunch of right-wing God-believing simpletons in the past. New Jersey is like New Babylon to those people, a purgatory of funny-talking unbelievers. Laron Landry going there made perfect sense, as now he can fully embrace his muscle worship bisexual tendencies. I personally have no problem with that, but I think Tim Tebow would not be down with teammates have R&B workout sex in the showers and Mark Sanchez sneaking his normal three-pack of 16-year-old girls and case of Michelob Ultra into the QB video room. Tebow to Miami makes sense because really they’re one of the last teams left without a chair during this QB musical chairs thing that’s going on. But Tebow to Jacksonville makes even more sense because it means Tebow can still play in the NFL, and be relevant and win a game here and there and be like, “All praise to God, the Christ one not the brown one or freaky Asian one or anything else.” But none of the rest of us will ever have to see it. Still though, Tebow in the greater NYC Sodom & Gomorrah would be my personal preference, especially if he somehow still won and turned the place into a wholesome area. Then I wouldn’t have to cut west through Pennsylvania when going to New England.

BIG STORY #3: RGIII PRO WORKOUT DAY
Half of the Redskins management team went to Waco to be there, because they are leaking semen all over their burgundy and gold boxer-briefs in anticipation of bringing Robert Griffin III to D.C. So of course it makes sense the Colts went to RGIII’s Pro Day too, to confuse the Andrew Luck is natural #1 pick, at least enough to bother me. I do not think Andrew Luck’s spirit warrior nature is strong enough to conquer the complete dysfunction that is Dan Snyder’s Washington Redskins. Then again, I don’t think Robert Griffin III is enough to conquer it either, but he’ll at least be more fun to root for.

NFL 2011: Week 19 – Divisional Round (OT)

So I have to warn you going into this week’s NFLuminati Index of a few things… Namely, this time of year it usually becomes painfully obvious to me (as I am ultra-aware) that the NFL is fixed. And it’s important to remember that this means “engineered” typed fixed and not “choreographed” type fix. It’s hard to find smart employees nowadays, regardless of the industry, and there’s no way you could actually have like 45 dudes per football team truly understand a full script of a game, memorize, and actually perform their roles well. But you position a few key insiders into key roles and the whole affair is easily pushed in desired directions. I also feel like that the feeling of this is not so strong during the regular season because at that point, a lot of it is wide open at times. The NFL does not need to engineer every detail, or else it would become obvious. But come the playoffs, a lot of it does seem engineered, and has seemed so to me for over a decade now. Can’t help it… I’m naturally distrustful of things.
This is because most of my life has felt like me vs. the World, and it is only the past couple months that I think I’m finally ready to say the World has won. I’m whooped. My dreams are dead. There will be no great future for me; I’ll be lucky to die where I’m not too far in debt that my shitty budget life insurance policy can pay it all off. Some dude sent us a $50 donation, specifically for Neil, I used it for gas, then out of this paycheck became overwhelmed by my financial drownings, and didn’t even paypal that shit to Neil. $40 fucking dollars. (He was gonna pay to renew the domain for the year out of his donation.) What a pathetic piece of shit I am. But that’s the row I’ve hoed, and I’ve hoed it well, albeit halfheartedly at times.
And then I get mad, because I feel like I’m saying strong shit inside this interweb, maybe not on the prolific level Neil has kicked the past couple years, but fuck man, I’m nearing 40 and realizing MY DREAMS ARE FUCKING DEAD! There is work, sleep, die in my future. That’s it. All the Real Man shit that’s been written, it means nothing. But little weasel-faced halfwits get paid blogging gigs or shine from false witticism dens like Grantland, and we just sit here, nonsense gibberish which is actually perfectly sensible dissection of the world around us, yet we don’t pretend to be so holy and righteous about sports. So we don’t get shit, except older and weirder. And then one day you wake up and look in the mirror and realize the Great Dream was all a fucking lie to distract you from the day-to-day, and once the haze clears and you see the day-to-day, there’s really nothing left to do but fucking wish for a hollow point to bore a hole through your head.
This is where the NFL comes in, and most great cherished forms of mass entertainment. It was Stanislav Zizek who said, “religion is the opiate of the masses” and he was right. But of course, no one cares about religion anymore because our god is now the Shine of the New as ordained by Science & Technology. (It should be noted that I am technically a scientist by trade, and through extensive personal research will tell you that actual opiates make a much better opiate than religion.) But the great sports entertainment is a distraction/opiate for us to forget our real lives we are uncomfortable inside of on a full-time basis, and at this time of year during the playoffs, important psychological memes are driven home, whether we realize it or not. But it is happening.
I am against engineered reality. I’m against reality to be honest with you, and frankly with the depressing realization that this is it, I am against all things. Blow up the world for all I care. Unleash Cormac McCarthy’s worst nightmares as filtered through the minds of a thousand primates poisoned by Philip K. Dick-style angel dust. Let it fucking go. Which I would imagine is a popular unconscious sentiment in this world right now, festering just below the surface of the electrosmog, which just like Kesey laid out in the first few pages of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, they will cut up, this weekend, as what I heard the stupid AM radio call “the greatest football weekend of the year” goes into full press on our collective brains.
Now I’m sure many of you are like, “Man, football isn’t fixed, and this is a bunch of jibber jabber bullshit.” But be open-minded friend, and watch this weekend’s game with even just 10% of your thought stream thinking of these things. Note the strange ways things play out during the games. (And somebody paypal $50 to neilabfree at hotmail.com, to bail my shitty ass out, or else Neil can get in line with the collection agency from North Carolina and the hospital bills from last year’s Super Bowl and the creepy gypsy Jew lady who hovered back into my life to try and reclaim my trailer camper from the past this last month. I promise, I’ll square everything up when I do my taxes – the Earned Income Credit: a poor man’s grant to buy off another year of life.)
Fuck it, let’s just jump into this…
#1: GREEN BAY PACKERS (15-1, 1st overall, 10.0 rating on a 10-point scale) – A good example of how the NFL engineers things is this Giants at Packers game, which echoes the great storyline from a few years back when the Giants beat the Ol’ Gunslinger himself in Green Bay in weather so cold that your face could freeze and your nose break off which is what they used to do in the old days, Packers breaking off the noses of opposing RBs in the bottom of the pile. But this is the new NFL and what they didn’t tell you is the Frozen Tundra actually has heating coils going underneath of it, so the ground is warm and supple, like a vagina, and for as cold as it was, the players only really suffered briefly, like walking from your warmed car to the entrance to Whole Foods on a winter day.
But the Giants Super Bowl win that year, as well as the Packers win last year, as well as a lot of Super Bowl victors of recent memory, have come from the wild card ranks – the all-American tale of coming up from below championship level, working together, peaking at the right time, and being the best. That is the illusion of the American Dream right there, that patience is a virtue and you will overcome, even if not as ordained great as others around you. But last weekend, that was shot, and no wild card team won at all, so we are left with nothing but the eight division champions. I am not entirely sure what this tells us about the future direction of the American Economy, but I am sure it’s not a good psychological conditioning we are undergoing right now. The Republicans are shaving retards off the fringes of their mock nomination process, and Obama is cooking up his very own war-mongering October Surprise with Iran, and between Bush’s Executive Orders and the powers granted Obama over the past 12 years, straight dictatorship has been given legal backing for the position of President, if necessary by emergency (but who decides the emergency?), and the economy certainly still seems to be teetering not settling. I have been looking for a schoolbus on govdeals.com to buy for cheap and turn into our own Joad family jalopy. Times are weird, and uncertain.
So yeah, all home teams won last weekend – all champions. And yet somehow the storyline is being pushed that the Giants are this year’s “peaking at the right time” football team that could go into Green Bay and pull off the upset. At least that’s what the TVs and radios were saying this week. But it was only a few weeks ago that everybody was like “lolol one of them has to win I guess” about the Giants and Cowboys. And the Packers were, by far the best team this season (as displayed by my NFLuminati Index rating). There’s no one even close.
Thing is, like with the wild card teams of note in previous postseasons, the NFL does not like to crown the King come playoff time. The most notable example of this was when the otherwise perfect Patriots dropped that Super Bowl to stupid Eli Manning and the Giants. The NFL just does not make the supposed King be the actual King. It’s bad for business.
I have not decided whether this will play out like that again, or if the NFL is looking to crown Aaron Rodgers our new Brady Manning, as we don’t really have one right now. One Super Bowl championship does not do that. But supplanting the Ol’ Gunslinger, and then winning back-to-back titles? That would seal Aaron Rodgers.
I don’t know. It’s hard to say what the NFL will push upon us. But I do not see them pushing the Giants over the Packers this weekend. This was an elaborate ploy to build up an alleged top-flight opponent for the Packers to dispatch of in their opening playoff game. There will be some highlight-ready Lambeau leaps, and Eli Manning will do his frustrated Manning Family Yuckface at some point in the second half, and then we will see how the unspoken plans develop in regards to the Packers in the next week or two.
#2: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (13-3, 2nd overall, 8.5 rating) – The Patriots being pushed to high heaven as the greatest thing ever, right around 9/11 when we were all encouraged to “let’s roll” against Islam and fixed rate mortgages and things like that, that was when I started to really distrust all of this NFL madness. How could a guy like Tom Brady – a failure to some degree as a collegiate starter – become the Greatest QB of Our Generation? Sketchy tuck rules and snow games and all sorts of bullshit contributed to the process.
But it’s been a few years. And one thing to remember as I talk of these shadow conspiracies is that the entire network of Illuminatis is not a well-organized, streamlined machine. It’s a great bureaucracy. This is why you can’t have every player know how things must play out. This is why local dudes joining the local Freemasons look at it as a fraternal organization where they do charity work. Because it is. So it’s hard to understand if one tentacle of the beast can easily tap into the other tentacle of the beast and be like, “You know what Brother Goodell? It’d be great if we could have people rally around the term ‘Patriot’ one more time.” The bureaucracy is large and inefficient, which ultimately will be what enables its demise.
Oddly enough though, the Patriots find themselves against Tim Tebow and the Broncos, in a rematch of a game that was a blowout a few weeks back. Tim Tebow is the Jesus freak guy – homeschooled born again super athlete. And think back on America’s historical origins, where Christ-based fringe churches were willing to float across a seemingly endless fucking ocean to find freedom from the oppression of the Catholic church. That religious freedom was mostly for religion about Christ, sure, but not the fancy gilded brutality of Catholicism. And yet you can’t throw a pissy snowball in the greater Boston metropolitan area without hitting some alleged Catholic. Tons of grandsons and daughters of immigrants who hold onto the Catholic ways, despite the torture and molestations and obvious historical hypocrisies.
And here comes the homeschooling lover of Christ spirit, who feels a Jack Chick pamphlet tucked into a phone booth is just as righteous a path to the Good Lord as fancy sacrament in satin robes. And the Brady/Belichick genius machine is certainly the football kin to the Catholic church – as respected an entity as there could be. And the ragtag Tebow option offense/wacky Bronco defense is as perfect a pagan church to that football tradition as you could conjure up. The fucking option, in the NFL. Long fucking pass plays off the option, against the vaunted Steelers defense last week. (It should be noted, for those that still refuse to believe the engineered NFl talk I talk, how the Steelers/Broncos game last week conveniently went long, into primetime, for an almost perfect at 8 pm exciting overtime finish, where Tebow dropped to a knee in celebration to his Lord. You couldn’t have timed that shit better if you taped it beforehand and edited it to fit. And of course, it was the highest rated wild card game in nearly 20 years. Which means the NFL can now ask for even higher rights fees next time around.)
I can’t cypher the tea leaves on this game. You have to figure the Brady/Belichick machine will get one last hurrah at some point, being it is the most illuminated chapter of the NFLuminati process’s recent history. I mean they fucking got the former Broncos head coach as their assistant in the past two weeks. What kind of bullshit is that? But also I did not think the NFL would push Tebow past last week, and they did. I feel like there may be more to this Tebow thing underneath the surface than meets the eye. Perhaps somewhere in Alabama they have finally bred the flawless red heifer and there are those who are ready to rebuild the Temple of the Mount in Jerusalem to usher in the final days of conflict, thus the build-up to war with Iranian Shi’ites (essentially the Catholics of Islam), and Tebow is all part of our conditioning. Divine intervention, on the football field, to a level never before known. Even wonderboy Brady was forced to bow to His Greatness. I don’t know. I feel like the Patriots will win, as they are the second best team in the NFL, despite their defense, but it really seems hard to say with this strange Tebow factor. And John Elway is no stranger to the secret halls of the NFL hierarchy. I know it will get big ratings though.
#3: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (14-3, 3rd overall, 8.3 rating) – The Saints are this weekend’s big question mark game, as you will see from the ratings, they are the 3rd and 4th best teams in the NFL. But as we move into the real NFLuminati mode, it’s important to remember that the Saints are not a powerful franchise. In fact, they’ve been shit for most of their existence, and were only given a Super Bowl in order to regenerate the tourist economy of New Orleans. And sure, they’ve got this Madden Bowl style of new school NFLineering down pat, but they also lost to the fucking Seahawks last year. It is also of note that the two games they played on real people grass this year were two of their lowest scoring games. And the 49ers have an opportunistic defense. Actually, fuck that, as “opportunistic defense” is one of those chump ass phrases; the 49ers are an odd collection of man-beasts, the type of man-beasts that could pressure past that Saints O-line and get an INT or two to break up Brees from “Drew Brees great dude” to “Drew Brees, every now and then he has a game like this.”
The real test is the throwback 49ers offense that leans heavily on a RB. If they can beat up the Saints defense, could be a great game. But if they fall behind even slightly, you can’t do the “let’s let Frank Gore fuck shit up long enough for Alex Smith to make a couple passes” thing. It should be an interesting test, though just as the Saints are not a great NFL franchise in the powerful sense, the 49ers are one of the big ones. Shit man, Bill Walsh practically took over the NFLuminati for about 20 years. Seems to me the NFL would probably set up a Saints/Packers rematch like the opening kickoff, but they like to not do what you would expect.
#4: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (13-3, 4th overall, 5.9 rating) – Actually the real key, underneath the surface, to this game is how high shall the NFL push the Jim Harbaugh star? He’s gotten the background hype, ordained as the new Ditka due to his Bears ties, and ordained as the new Bill Walsh because he’s in San Francisco. Do they hotshot this asshole straight to the Lombardi Trophy stand? I don’t see that happening just yet, and the 49ers haven’t had a playoff game in a few years, so it would be completely respectable – in both an NFL is real sense as well as the engineered way – for them to lose out this game and still be strong as fuck in the psychic mind of the masses. That defense look hongry at times.
#5: BALTIMORE RAVENS (12-4, 5th overall, 5.0 rating) – The Ravens/Texans game is the worst game of the weekend, because neither is a realistic contender. The Ravens get media hype like they could be, and if every game was played in Baltimore, then they might be, because at home they are a dominant NFL team. But on the road, they are like the fifth member of the AFC West. They did win the AFC North to get a long-wanted home game, so I would imagine things go well for them this weekend. But as soon as they end up playing somewhere else, they will be exposed as the fraud that they are, even though we’ll get 39 stories about “the last run for Ray Lewis”. Man, fuck Ray Lewis and his stupid fucking pre-game dance. And don’t get that twisted, because I have never in my life ever thought negatively of a man who would wear a full length white mink coat and get caught up in a stabbing death. In fact, I generally respect people with that type of back story. But somehow Ray Lewis, despite those facts, has shown himself to be a shitty and false human being. Let’s not forget that even though he wore a full length white mink coat and was caught up in a stabbing death, he testified against those who actually done did the stabbing. And also let’s not forget that stupid pre-game dance.
Anyways, the best hope for the Ravens is that the Broncos win so Baltimore can have another home game and not be exposed until the Super Bowl.
#6: NEW YORK GIANTS (10-7, 8th overall, 3.6 rating) – Eli is the only stupid member of the stupid Manning family cluttering up my goddamn January football. I can’t stand the Manning family, ever since that dog rape story got buried by the media. Sure, Mike Vick punishes a couple of underperforming pet athletes and gets sent away to federal prison and becomes public enemy number one, to this day, for a lot of folks, who respect the lives of dogs more than humans. “I hope they throw him in a cage, like an animal, to punish him for treating dogs like animals, because that is wrong.” I always loved the hypocrisy of that thinking, that by treating animals badly you should be treated like an animal. That’s like the thirtysomething hipster’s version of the “against abortion but for the death penalty” thing Republifuck candidates do. But nobody gave a shit about an actual incident of bestiality. I don’t know; maybe we’ve progressed. I would be happy with that, because we have two pygmy goats, one white named Sugar and one brown named Nutmeg, and with their fluffy winter coat, I kinda want to fuck them sometime. They’re just so damned cute, and usually when I see cute things I want to jam my penis into it.
#7: HOUSTON TEXANS (11-6, 11th overall, 2.4 rating) – I was surprised the Texans won last weekend, not because of any rookie QB factors or none of that “let’s pretend this is real” bullshit. I just didn’t think the NFL would allow such a shoddy franchise with such shoddy unmarketable uniforms. But they did. Really, this Texans/Ravens game is gonna be an uninteresting foreplay into the late game on Sunday. I don’t even really want to talk about it, though it should be noted that despite their crappy uniforms, I am probably even more disappointed in the Ravens uniforms when they started. My birth middle name is Raven, so I expected in my honor something chill as fuck. Instead, black and purple, and yet somehow screwed up. How do you screw up the colors of malevolence and codeine cough syrup? You be from Maryland, and thus retarded, that’s how.
#8: DENVER BRONCOS (9-8, 15th overall, 1.3 rating) – I am rooting for Tebow at this point, because I am rooting for End Times. Like I said, my dreams are dead, and if my dreams must die I would hope it is at least exonerated in the cleansing chaos of an apocalypse. If my dreams are dead and there’s no divine intervention or world war or something to distract me from reality, then I will be forced to actually retrace my own mistakes. I don’t want to do that, and right now I’m having trouble finding actual opiates. I guess there’s always painkiller abuse (like always), but there’s something so blissful about the hazy dream world of smoking actual opium. And to smoke opium and watch football where some weird barely good QB somehow keeps winning? Even better. And to smoke opium and watch some weird barely good QB somehow keep on winning, over stupid Tom Brady, with shitty Phil Simms on mute and pumping DJ Burn One’s The Ashtray so goddamned loud shit is vibrating off the desk? That would be a real nice way to spend a Saturday night. But no actual opiates. Just fucking Bibles and football. Fuck this world.

NFL ACLB PREVIEWS - #26: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

PERTINENT DATA: 7-9 last year, won NFC West, upset the Saints at home in wild card round before losing at the Bears in the divisional round of the playoffs; 75 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLVI.
BEST CASE SCENARIO (Neil): The Seahawks have retooled a bit. They finally tossed Matt Hasselbeck’s bald ass out of town (Well, his head is bald, not his ass. Not that I would know. Well, there was that one time, but . . . no, I can’t get into that here. I’ll just say it involved a bear, a matchbook, and a can of mace and a promise from me never to set foot in the state of Washington again. Wait . . . is Matt Hasselbeck even the bald one or am I thinking of his idiot failure of a brother who works for ESPN and is married to that shrill harpy who cries all the time, especially when she draws the short straw and has to wash Rosie O’Donnell with a rag on a stick? You bet your ass that Barbara Walters rigs that shit. She’s 168 years old and she once fucked William Randolph Hearst in 1887 aboard a giant Toboggan he later lovingly named Rosebud in memory of her lady nest. She doesn’t need that shit. Also, I should point out that when they fucked, they were going downhill, in the snow, naked. That’s why people say that William Randolph Hearst invented the X-Games. But honestly, does it even matter which one of the Hasselbeck boys is bald? Are they both bald? Who cares? Matt Hasselbeck is gone. Fuck him. That may sound harsh, but if you look back Seahawks fans, you’ll just turn into a pillar of salt. That shit is in the Bible, you can look it up. ) and decided to roll the dice with Tavaris Jackson at quarterback. That means that the best case scenario involves the Seahawks going 8-8 after Tavaris gets hurt in week 10 and they’re forced to turn to Charlie Whitehurst, who let’s face it isn’t any good either but he’s not an embarrassment like Tavaris and he can probably at least hit Sidney Rice in stride every once in a while. But hey, 8-8 would probably be good enough to win the NFC West by 2 games and then who knows what the fuck can happen?
WORST CASE SCENARIO (Raven): Pete Carroll is a fraud of an NFL coach. Sure, in the college ranks, he could have that easy-going long face of his smile at the best recruits boosters could buy, and let them run wild on the streets of Los Angeles, pull them together for 10-win seasons even in off-years, and hope the other shoe never falls. But then it did fall, so he bolted back to the NFL, to pretend again he is actually a good coach. You see, in college football, you're kind of like the cool health teacher, where all the kids love you because you let them do whatever they want, and they sit around in the dark watching Terminator in class with the star athletes getting handjobs in the back row from loose girls. All a good college coach has to do is tolerate things, and cover them up well. An NFL coach is more of an executive, who has to discriminate in his coaching staff, and find people who can execute his philosophical visions in smaller huddles during practices and sideline meetings. The head coach sets the tone. But when you're some goofy ass Bill Walton of Football dude who just wants to go hiking and watch the sunrise over the Cascade Mountains, that's not gonna work. We are in year two of the northwest Pete Carroll experiment, and he gutted a lot of the more famous players from before he was there (Matt Hasselbeck, Lofa Tatupu) and filled it with his young gunners, who probably won't amount to shit because all they have is like Tavaris Jackson and Charlie Whitehurst as QBs. I have never figured out what ethnicity Whitehurst is. I'm guess he's a bi-racialist, but he doesn't even have that look really. He does look like he smokes mad weed, and plus he lives in the Pacific Northwest, and his coach is Pete Carroll, so I imagine Charlie Whitehurst is pulling hits of a Vaporizer bag many days of his life. That won't be a good influence on Jackson, who looks like he ain't afraid of going down the wrong path himself, and isn't Matt Leinart their third QB? Good lord man, they're going to be a terrible team, but I bet they have the best hot tub parties.
PLAYER TO PULL FOR (Neil): Marshawn Lynch. That dude is pretty awesome. I know, I know, everyone loved that beast-man run he did in the playoffs last year which was admittedly some wild shit, but what brings a smile to my face whenever I think of Marshawn Lynch is the memory of him stealing the injury cart following a win by his Cal Bears and then driving that shit around the field one handed like he was driving an Impala in an old Snoop video. That will get my seal of approval 10 times out of 10.
PLAYER TO HATE MOST (Raven): Golden Tate has a stupid name, played at Notre Dame (which means stupid too, because if you are a bonafide superstar football player, you ain't going to Notre Dame the past 20 years... that's some 1918 bullshit there), and though he got busted for stealing donuts last year in what was probably a staged crime by his agent with the hopes he could get made to not seem like such a chump ass, you know it was fake. Somebody awesome on the team made him go steal some donuts as a rookie hazing thing, and Golden Tate was too stupid to do it without getting caught.
BEST NAME ON TEAM: While it's hard not to honor Lazarius Levingston on this roster, the fact there's a dude named Atari Bigby is hard to overlook. His parents named him Atari. I was just thinking today that there's probably a kid named Internet somewhere in this world. Man, names are gonna get all sorts of fucked up when the Twitter generation starts having serious kids, not just young sex kids, like when they're in their late 20s and settled into social media management jobs for ad agencies, and having for-real meant to kids with for-real meant to partners? Those are gonna be some fucked up names. We're gonna need some new wingdings in MS Word, that's for sure.
IN A PERFECT WORLD (Neil): In a perfect world the Seahawks start the season 0-6 or something like that and Pete Carroll finds his shit packed in a box outside of his office following a game. I bet he’d cry at the press conference announcing his firing. Maybe that’s not fair, but fuck that dude. On one level I respect his hustle for turning a shitty NFL coaching past into the head job at USC and then using the lure of L.A., a bunch of illicit money and Snoop Dogg hanging out with his players to hoard all the best college football talent and then getting the fuck out as soon as the heat got too close and then turning that into a fat contract with the Seahawks, but on another level, fuck him. He’s a con-man who’s just going to fall flat again in the NFL because in the NFL the talent level is a lot more equal than in college and his players don’t give a fuck about him knowing Snoop because they know him too and they probably smoke weed with Snoop at his crib where they make fun of Pete Carroll behind his back. But this wasn’t supposed to be about Pete Carroll. It was supposed to be about the perfect world of the Seattle Seahawks but I got distracted because really, who gives a fuck about the Seahawks or their perfect world?
PROGNOSIS (Raven): The Seahawks will not be very good at all, but being they are in the NFC West, which is the worst division in all of football, they will still manage a 5-11 season, and finish last in the division. Really, that's not that bad though, as it's only two games off their division winning record of last year. Fucking NFC West, stealing jobs from hard-working Americans.

NFL ACLB PREVIEWS - #28: DENVER BRONCOS

PERTINENT DATA: 4-12 last year; 80 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLVI.
BEST CASE SCENARIO (Neil): The best case scenario for the Broncos involves my man Kyle Orton ignoring everyone, including his new coach, getting shit bombed before every game and then doing what comes naturally to him, raining down footballs soaked in King Cobra and fire into the hands of Brandon Lloyd, the two of them combining to become the most lethal passing combo in the NFL. In this scenario, Orton throws for 4500 yards or so with 30 touchdowns. Shit, Scott Mitchell did it once, why not a warrior king like Orton? Meanwhile, Brandon Lloyd catches 110 passes for 1700 yards and sends Bears fans into a collective seizure which leads to them frothing at the mouth and pulling Jay Cutler from a moving vehicle and eating him on Michigan Avenue. This all helps to mask the Broncos struggles on defense after switching back to a 4-3 only a couple of years after switching to a 3-4. Somehow, John Fox manages to keep the defense from imploding completely and Orton and the Broncos drunkenly swagger to a 10-6 record and upset the Colts in the first round of the playoffs.
WORST CASE SCENARIO (Raven): The Broncos were the first team to make the transition in the '90s to these ugly NFL Europe style uniforms. Actually, those brown ones with the yellow socks that everybody was like, "Ewwww" about were my favorite shits I've seen the past few years. People have terrible taste, and it's because we are engineered to have the tastes we have, so some halfwit homosexual Italian guy dreams this shit up while weekending for four days straight in the Hamptons, and next thing you know every thugged out dude on earth is contradicting his true nature by wearing plaid shorts to a family cookout in the park. But I digress from the Broncos... Colorado is a wretched state for wretched people. I am a rural survivalist, but an open-minded new southerner. I welcome all colors and all types, so long as you are true. Fuck two-faced people and fuck dramatic individuals who create worry from nothing all the goddamned time. So you would think I would be down with Colorado people and their natural survivalist mode, but I just can't, because they are like secret pro-white people who don't outright say, "Fuck those other people," but you can feel it in the air as soon as you cross the state line. Colorado is like Utah but without full-on Mormonism, but it's the same ignorant yet don't they they're ignorant at all type people who then assume the rest of the world is ignorant for not thinking like they do. So fuck a place like that. I'm not sure why Hunter S. Thompson ended up there, but I am sure that's a huge reason why he was so easily suicided and nobody's ever dug a fucking question from anybody to find out whether the boy toy high end child prostitution ring involving both parties in D.C. he was about to expose had anything to do with it. Don't forget that Jon-Benet Ramsey was in Boulder, and her dad was a big defense contractor dude with connections, or that that whole story had the torture signatures of a certain CIA dude that I can't remember the name of but also can't find on the internet anymore because this was like 2003 I was researching this shit, and they've cleansed all of that out the internet. But you know what? You can follow some dumbass on twitter now? Isn't the internet such a great treasure trove of information? You know what, fuck Colorado, and fuck everybody there, and I hope somebody from Colorado is like, "No way man, Boulder is an awesome town, and there's great hiking and microbreweries, not to mention good kush, and Steamboat Springs brah, that's a real cool ass place. Plus snowboarding in the winter." Fuck your white leisure lifestyle. I am a poor motherfucker writing about stupid fucking football teams on the internet for my leisure, and the asshole structure of this asshole factory won't allow for rock solid regular dudes like me and Neil to make money because we actually say what we feel, without toning it down to not insult anybody, or breaking it up into little retard-worthy lists of quick blurbs that get busted into 94 pages on a shitty website so as to artificially drum up page counts to trick advertisers into thinking they are getting good value for their waste of fucking time and money. So thank you Colorado... you are a beautiful state, but I wish all of humanity would burn to the fucking ground, all our cities crumble like the World Trade Towers, all our people turned to dust to be trampled by the barefeet of the truly wretched like myself who are too goddamned stupid to die, so we survive, on the fucking throwaway pieces of scraps you assholes leave behind. And when that happens I hope it happens in Colorado first, at a fucking Broncos game, preferably against the Chargers.
PLAYER TO PULL FOR (Neil): Kyle Orton. Who else? Did you really think I was going to talk up the Tebow child here? Fuck that. I picked Kyle Orton to be the QB for the All-ACLB team and I did it for a reason. Go back and read that if you want to know why you should root for him. I like to think that in the offseason, Orton spent his days fishing in the Gulf with Kenny Stabler, the two of them just drinking, talking life and maybe a little football here and there and then his nights getting all fucked up with Kenny and marauding through shitty Gulf Coast bars, raising hell, waking up in the morning with a strange naked woman next to him, Kenny Stabler lying on the floor with two women of his own and then getting up and having a beer for breakfast before realizing that Kenny still hasn’t gotten up, checking in on him only to find the two chicks Stabler was with half naked and hysterical because they can’t wake him up, and then Kyle keeps his cool because he’s a leader, he’s a quarterback and he runs next door to get that discredited veterinarian who lives in a fishing shack to help him out and the vet laughs and tells Kyle and the ladies to relax because Kenny just took a handful of horse tranquilizers that he sold him and Kenny just needs to sleep that shit off and then Kyle manages to persuade the old veterinarian to give the girls a ride back into town in his beat up old pick-up truck and then Kyle hangs out with Kenny’s dog until Kenny finally stumbles out of the room sometime in the early evening, still kinda fucked up and then he and Kyle drink a few beers before they take the boat out for a couple of hours again, lather, rinse, repeat. That’s how I’d like to think Kyle Orton spent his summer, locked out of football but not locked out of life and that’s why I will root for him and why you should too. Also, fuck it, root for Kenny Stabler. Just because.
PLAYER TO HATE MOST (Raven): Who else? Tim Tebow. That guy was made for Colorado like Jimmer Fredette was made for Utah. I homeschool my kids, but unfortunately because of shithead Christians like Tebow, when you say "homeschool" people think you are some holy roller Jesus freak who doesn't want your kid to know science, when actuality I am just a dude trying to raise free-spirited kids not polluted by government influence, not wanting them to learn about genital warts until, you know, they're old enough to be learning about that type of thing. My call. And while we're on the subject of Jesus freaks, I think it important to tell you about the All Saved Freak Band, which had a guitarist dude from The James Gang back in the day, who probably while on acid, found Jesus. He joined some commune in Ohio, and back then "hippie" was a derogatory term by the media for the long-haired free-spirited types, who preferred to call themselves freaks. (Dumbasses calling themselves "hippies" proudly now is the equivalent of black people calling each other "nigga" all the time - a derogatory term turned into how that group sees itself. Thanks America.) Anyways, the All Saved Freak Band was the first major Christian rock band to ever exist, and some of their music is actually pretty cool to listen to. But I hate Jesus, and think people who believe in God are retarded. See? That's how good the All Saved Freak Band was. New Christian music sounds like sheltered insurance salesmen tried to recreate pop music from 12 years ago for their kid's birthday party, but without anything controversial. It's all so fucking dated and terrible. And that's what Tim Tebow listens to. I guarantee it. I can't even bring myself to look up some famous 2011 Christian music that pretends to be cool to try to namedrop to trick you into thinking I know the specifics about everything, everywhere, at all times, like the god that I am. But I guarantee you Tebow listens to that shit. And it's a shame that Hunter S. Thompson and Oscar Zeta Acosta are not still alive, to abduct this little clean-faced asshole whose soul has never been allowed to develop - for the good or bad - and force him to take like five hits of good blotter, old school CIA blotter, and force him to listen to the All Saved Freak Band for a few hours on a cold ass Rocky Mountain trail, in a stolen Range Rover some douchebag drives in Telluride when he comes to stay at his second home.
BEST NAME ON TEAM: There's probably not a better name in all of the NFL than Elvis Dumervil.
IN A PERFECT WORLD (Neil): In a perfect world, Kyle Orton does catch fire and he does lead the Broncos to a first round upset of the Colts, only to be arrested that same night in West Lafayette after hitching a ride from Indianapolis with some old college friends and getting so shit faced drunk that he pisses his pants and winds up passing out in some random girl’s dorm room and then punching a male RA when the dude shows up to demand that Kyle leave because he’s not a student and didn’t sign in. The Broncos are then forced to turn to Tebow, who throws 6 interceptions in a 56-17 loss to the Patriots in New England and then is caught sobbing on national TV while Bill Belichick hovers in the background, preparing to morph into a vampire who looks like Jesus, which he will do in order to trick Tebow into giving him his soul and then he will eat him. Meanwhile, Kyle Orton will be bailed out by Kenny Stabler and then Kenny Stabler will punch out John Fox and assume the head coaching duties of the Broncos and the two of them will be the new Bill Walsh/Joe Montana for these strange and terrible times, only they’ll be cool and have souls.
PROGNOSIS (Raven): The Broncos are not a good team, but they are decent. Decent enough to go 6-10, maybe a game or two better if they stick with Kyle Orton, or maybe a couple games worse if they make the Tebow mistake. John Fox is a pretty smart dude, who often made something out of nothing in Carolina, so I would expect him to find a way to stick with Kyle Orton.