non-NFLuminati Revolt Index Week Whatever

As you can see things have sort of shifted around here. Here is your list for this coming weekend...
#1: BEAST MODE - Even with hatchetface corp. engagement leader, Beast Mode is a Beast and ultimately the only thing left in the Royal Rumbles worth pretending is cool.
#2: KIELBASAS & LACTO-FERMENTED CABBAGES - Going to be a warm weekend, sunny, which is a nice blast in the middle of January. That's always a good times to build a fire and strip down to your flannel shirt and jeans and cook up some food with the kids running around and friends hanging out and brewing up mushroom tea and everybody who is 18 or over end up laying on homemade crazy quilts staring up at the clear star-speckled sky, analyzing ourselves and making sure our internal universes are a proper reflection of what is up there.
#3: WORK - There is always work looming, and you have probably heard it said, "If you don't like your job, go get another one, or switch your path." You know who says that type of thing? Assholes. If you don't like your work, and you are stuck with it, steal shit from work, and also undermine work, and also don't work too hard, do just enough to get by. Fuck work. Stare at titties.
#4: BEGINNER FALCONRY WITH RED-TAILED HAWKS - Red-tailed hawks are the ultimate bird of prey imo fuiud.
#5: AMERICA IS ALREADY DECLINED BRO - There is no need to wave your flag's red and blue parts, only the white stars count, as a sign of surrender, to the overbearing skullfuckery of industrial capitalists, who translated their machine philosophies into the abstractions of finance, thus slow-crushing us all under the weight of their societal embezzlement. You know what an entitlement is? Thinking you have a right to have all the goddamned shit in the world without me cutting your fucking throat. That's an entitlement that's about to get cut, in a literal sense.
#6: ARIAN FOSTER & ME WRITING SONNETS TOGETHER WHILE DOING AYAHUASCA IN PERU - And I cannot stress this enough, no homo, at least on my end of this. I just enjoy writing sonnets while on a trip wrapped around mind-expanding plant vine explorations. It is my goal to write 200 sonnets this year, at least quick freestyle sonnets. I'll hopefully write another 225 or so thought out sonnets.
#7: RAVEN MEDICINE - My man has a spot near the abandoned power plant where the ravens have built skyboxes and you hike along the railroad tracks and they soul-squawk at you and it fills me with soul-squawks, on the inside, where we all really need more soul-squawking.
#8: PFC BRADLEY PEYTON MANNING - If you are not Anonymous, then I feel sorry for you. They don't want you to be Anonymous, and they means the normal governmental they but also the Roger Goodie Goodells and Brady Manning Super Starz and the Pepsi/Coke Super Bowl commercials and the whole million-tentacles of the beast. Try to be more Anonymous, friends, for our collective own good.

NFL 2012 Week 18 NFLuminati Index - the Wild Card

I have decided for the remainder of this season, or at least the next two weeks, to return to the traditional NFLuminati Index posts, as I don’t give a fuck to recap the successes and failures of every team right now. So this week we do the old school eight-team listings of teams who are playing this upcoming weekend, with all sorts of pertinent details and wonderful gibberish, as you should be accustomed to by now…

#1: HOUSTON TEXANS (12-4; 2nd overall, same as last week) – Yes, the Texans still sit in the 2nd position in the overall listing, despite the late season crumble. Here’s the thing: the NFL is good at setting up illusions going into the playoffs, and then those illusions are dispelled come January. Nothing for the Texans has changed since what I wrote a few weeks ago about how they own their home and try to steal the road. This weekend, just like last year, they have a chance to own their home in a playoff game. As shaky as they’ve seemed, that shouldn’t be a problem. The problem is this is not uncharted territory, as it’s exactly what happened last year. Next week, when they go to New England, that’s when they try to stake a claim at being an improved team capable of more than being a upper-mid-level success story for the playoff’s early rounds.
And actually, Matt Schaub and the Texans along with Matt Ryan with the Falcons are going to be going through very similarly scrutinized performances in the coming weeks. Both QBs and teams have shown promise, and delivered big in the regular season Ws column, but have yet to translate that into the post-season. (Don’t forget that Schaub was injured during last season’s playoff time for the Texans.) Neither team, even after a season of success, is really rolling into the playoffs light from the internal emotional pressure of living up to their own hype. That shit gets heavy in the post-season, and don’t think it’s not going to be tap-dancing all throughout Matt Schaub’s brain. The best thing for the Texans is for the Galloping Vegan Arian “Pride” Foster to run roughshod on the Cincinnati Samoans’ defense, to keep the brain tap-dancing to a quiet minimum.

#2: GREEN BAY PACKERS (11-5; 4th overall, same as last week) – Okay, my apologies, everything to this point was written previously yesterday when I don’t know, I was in a bad place where I was actually trying. Fuck trying. I have been thinking about smashmouth football and sabremetrics and shit like that overnight, because stuffing a ball down somebody’s face is very primal and basic and like crushing the spirit of others, and yet can’t be quantified really. How do you sabremetric spirit levels? But the whole concept of the West Coast offense is to slightly replace the running game, which is considered short yardage, with short passes that spread the defense out. But the concept of the running game is it gets defenses leaning in to the line so then you can go deep for the kill shot. West Coast offense is more of a constant spreading side-to-side, and less primal, in my opinion. This is why I have decided I hate the Green Bay Packers, because Aaron Rodgers does that shit more than anybody, throwing to 19 guys, no actual RB on their roster for the past five years. Fuck that. Football is about crushing the spirit of the other guy, and about getting concussions, and about dying an early death but with a memory-speckled brain that kinda remembers how awesome it all was. Football is a shitty midwestern townsfolks’ blowing off steam from the shitty routine and ultimately soul-crushing life of the local factory. Football is rusty machines and kielbasa sausages made by old white women who believe in European voodoo gods. Green Bay is not even a for-real city; it is a throwback to football teams in places like Dayton and Canton and Rockford and shitholes of today like that. If there is one place that should embrace for-real football, it should be Green Bay. Instead it is what it is, which is an abomination against the Football Gods, and a treacherous display against what it means to be American. Not bullshit politicians talking God, Guns, and Freedom America, but the for-real dirt dogs along every shitty street in every shitty city and town that exists America, where we do whatever the fuck we have to do because what the fuck else are we gonna do? Shit man, there is only survival; everything else is gay.

#3: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (11-5; 6th overall, up one from last week) – I will be very honest as a Redskins fan, I am almost certain this football game is somehow related to the Idle No More movement, and that Beast Mode is not so much Marshawn Lynch on his own but him channeling through the power of the Seahawks tribal logo. Anyone who knows me knows lime green has been a power color for my Rojonekku styles for, well for ever. It seems no coincidence to me that the Seahawks more prominently display lime green and they become a more powerful overwhelming force. So although I really am stoked for my Redskins (and afraid to write separate articles about them here, because what if their success is due to me not writing about them? Have you thought about that?), I also am partially convinced that the psychic karma I’ve mentioned many times over the Redskins name and racialist history is going to be avenged psychically by the Seahawks, perhaps in horrible fashion. Perhaps in QB-crippling fashion. I really hate to say these things but nothing the Redskins have done, especially under George Preston Marshall, as well as Dan Snyder, who has switched racialism into classism and was offering a commemorative silver coin 20 minutes after last week’s Sunday night game, has worked to correct the mistakes made. And you don’t make complete reparations or any shit like that, but you do acknowledge wrongdoing. My previous suggestions that native shaman take over FedEx Field and channel peyote vines was overlooked. That is going to come back to haunt this weekend. And shit man, I’d love nothing more than to try and convince myself the Skins can win it, then win in Atlanta, and somehow make it to the NFC Championship game where fuck it they could get lucky and win that I guess. But there are strong psychic forces at play here. No matter how much men try to change the frequencies of the Earth through cybernetics and wireless robotics and electromagnetic tomfoolery, the Earth has its own fractal geometric rhythm that is chaotic and perfect and beautiful and ultimately always triumphant. Always triumphant. No matter how “civilized” we claim to be, our psychic umbilical cord still goes down into the dirt, into the Earth. Marshawn Lynch is not so much Beast Mode as the channel through which Beast Mode currently flows. The Seahawks have dabbled into some strong organic energy that no amount of trick scheming by coordinators is going to stop. This is some Nikolai Tesla and Wilhelm Reich level shit going on. It pains me to say it, but that’s what it is.

#4: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (10-6; 8th overall, up two from last week) – The Vikings have had a hard upswing in the overall NFLuminati Index the past two weeks, with a road win against the #2 team, and then a home win against the #4 team. Adrian Peterson was only 9 yards short of Emily Dickinson’s single-season record for quatrains. But the main thing is Christian Ponder is not fucking up. At this point of the season, the key is to have a QB that does not fuck up. (See Atlanta Falcons.) The one flaw in Aaron Rodgers over-commercialized armor is he will fuck up. Sure, he’s not The Ol’ Gunslinger just flinging ‘em down the field for whoever. Rodgers is more of a precision fuck-up, where he has large incompletion amounts as opposed to a couple of big INTs. Actually I don’t really know that. I don’t look up statistics for dumb shit my brain thinks, because my brain is attuned to my gut, which has intuition based upon a millions years of existing as well as millions and millions of microflora kicking it inside of us all. This is why too much antibiotics is stupid, literally, because it makes you stupid. But I know that other than the one Super Bowl, Aaron Rodgers hasn’t done shit, other than be in a lot of commercials. Early exit after early exit. He is prone to this shit. He makes mistakes, or else Green Bay would’ve won three Super Bowls under him. He gets slobber-knocked. It is easy to say, “Whichever QB doesn’t fuck up will win,” because that’s the truth. And if All Day Adrian Bug-eyes is dashing fat chunks of yardage, then Ponder will have more space to not fuck up.
Speaking of Adrian Peterson, they are talking of having him return punts. Why? Why would you fuck with what got you here? You are here already. You don’t fuck with shit like that unless you are trying to get to the playoffs. Once you are there, don’t start mixing the chemistry different. Also Purple Jesus is not Adrian Peterson; it is DJ Screw. Stop saying otherwise, or the ghosts of codeine-slurred dead rappers will freestyle about rims just barely audibly at a slow speed in the background of your mind forever. Trust me.

#5: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (11-5; 10th overall, up two from last week) – Usually in this space I make fun of the Colts, but I know a dude who has connections to Stanford football and thus is a big Andrew Luck fan. And I know that friend reads this column fairly regularly. But I have to ask you, unnamed friend, have you ever done speed in a shitty hotel room with shitty Indiana people in shitty Indiana towns before? Have you ever fallen in love with a beautiful young woman named Kaylee, who you know that’s exactly how you spell her name even though that’s a common white underclass princess name, because she had a homemade necklace with her name spelled out she wore? Did you meet her and her aunt at the karaoke in a run-down bar attached to an even more run-down hotel in Clarksville, and then spend time with them in their room along with her aunt’s man, who Kaylee also referred to as her step-daddy? Did you kind of figure Kaylee’s aunt was actually her mom most likely and not aunt, but you guys all partied, except Kaylee, who just smiled and hung out and occasionally would touch you on your hand and you’d feel everything that was so ugly inside of you turn okay? Did the step-daddy, who went by Lucky, but also was called Andrew by the aunt when she was pissed at him, talk to you constantly through a scruffle face and one half-chipped tooth about all the big plans he’d done in the past, and how each of the seven crudely tattooed horseshoes on his left forearm for each “criminal masterminding I done did”? And let me ask you this, unnamed friend, did Lucky try to steal your sock money while you were taking a shower being you hadn’t had one since the truck stop in Cincinnati a week earlier, and did a hazy altercation ensue, even though for the previous 32 hours it seemed like everything was cool with everybody, although tenuously, except for Kaylee, who was so sweet and pure? Oh man, that walk up to the package store for two more suitcases of Old Style, just you and her in the strange Indiana night around midnight. Did you carry both cases of beer and she joke and laugh that laugh of her’s, only for you guys to get back and Lucky to be raging after he and Kaylee’s aunt fought over something yet again, but the aunt left this time, probably back to the karaoke bar most likely, where that fake biker looking dude she was flirting with last night was probably at again? Did a guy named Andrew also called Lucky push Kaylee back against the door as she tried to calm everything down, and you flip out because shit man, how much abuse can you tolerate from some old ass redneck fucker? Apparently more, because did you get cut along the left shoulder with a busted double deuce Miller Genuine Draft bottle? And what the fuck man, why did Lucky think MGD was a good beer, like he was living the high life (no pun intended) in some shithole hotel room in Clarksville? Did the cops come get you both, and you had an outstanding warrant for failure to appear in Richmond court on something you didn’t even know about, so once the cops saw your broken bottle stab wounds weren’t that bad, you got sent off to the local jail, with nobody you knew to bail you out, nor anybody to care, except maybe Kaylee you wished? And there she was, standing reflected in the blue strobe lights of law enforcement, on the free side of the glass, looking at you with those unblemished eyes – such a pure soul stuck in such a foul hole… how long before it all ate her up and pissed all over that innocence? How did she even get this far with it intact? Was she an angel, if such things exist on this manmade hell of a planet we are forced to exist upon? And fucking Lucky, he was bailed out almost immediately, probably by Kaylee’s aunt, probably with your fucking sock money for traveling, and you just sat there on that concrete bench, glad you had already taken a shower back at the hotel because there seemed to be a lot of Mexican/Salvadoran gangsta wannabes with MS13 tattoos and shit in here, and you didn’t know the structure inside, or even outside in stupid fucking Indiana, so the more you could avoid the dark chaos of the showers, the better. Do you still have that scar on your left arm, in the half curve of part of a beer bottle, thick and puffy like a black fraternity scar, and does it always remind you of Indiana every time you see it, every day of your life? If so, then maybe you’d be a little rough on the Indianapolis Colts too.

#6: BALTIMORE RAVENS (10-6; 11th overall, down three from last week) – Ray Lewis is retiring, and all the sports media is like, “What a great career! What a great testament to the human spirit and pro football and blah blah blah.” You know what? Fuck Ray Lewis. Dude looks like a mongoloid and his dance is stupid. He’s supposed to be so motivational and shit like that. Frankly I’m kind of sick of the reformed gangster motivational Christ-soldier types in pro football. Reform that wack ass slide step in your dance you old caveman looking fucker.

#7: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (10-6; 13th overall, same as last week) – When this Redskins season started, I never anticipated the playoffs even as a possibility. I was high on RG3, sure, but the amount of picks given up for him was concerning, and even more so, the fact he was coming to the Redskins concerned me. Dan Snyder is a huge force of epic shittiness, and it was my fear that yes Robert Griffin III might be the best prospect to come out in a decade, but his goodness, at such a young and vulnerable age, would easily be overwhelmed by the immense darkness of Dan Snyder’s ways, which permeates everything Redskins, so much so that most of the fanbase reeks of cell phone store salesman douchiness at this point. And when they were 3-6, I was emailing my Redskins buddies, and we were wondering if they’d be able to win 5 games total. But RG3 is a far more powerful force than I realized, powered by his God worship (the kid says “prayerfully” instead of “hopefully” for fuck’s sake), as well as his incessant optimism. And shit got turned around. I put this heavily upon RG3’s psychological back, as his spirit was strong enough to at least stymie Dan Snyder’s overbearing spirit, for the time being. We will have an off-season and who knows what happens then, but for now, we are in the playoffs.
Here is the thing though: RG3 is not 100%. That was obvious last week. And yet he’s able to win games, and to motivate the team, including guys like Santana Moss who I’ve never really thought gave too much of a fuck about the idea of team. It’s been truly amazing to watch. But how long can it go? How strong is this guy’s spirit? And being he’s not a caveman spirit warrior like a Marshawn Lynch, but a Christ-fueled Spirit Warrior, how quickly will worldly sentiment turn against him? He’s on a lot of commercials, and likes God; that’s a one-two punch that will get most of our godless society hating on him right away. Shit, if he wasn’t on my team, I’d be dogging the hell out of the kid, mocking him left and right (see Andrew Luck). But that’s not the situation. He’s on my team, and we’re hosting a playoff game for the first time in forever, against the team that’s knocked us out of the playoffs the last two teams we made it in over the course of our meager recent history.
I don’t know man. I’m really stoked they made it this far, but like I said above, I fear First Nation Beast Mode energies may overwhelm the corporate Redskins. But then again maybe this young disciple of Christ, a more approachable and fun-loving and multi-cultural Tim Tebow, Robert Griffin the Third, maybe he is a force stronger than that. Perhaps this is not just native vengeance against the horrible Redskins legacy but also primitive culture doing battle with organized religion and corporate entities who In God We Trust. There’s some crazy shit in the psychic realm going on with this game, and I don’t even know what the fuck it is; I’m just along for the ride at this point.

#8: CINCINNATI BENGALS (10-6; 16th overall, up two from last week) – Perhaps you will note that the Bengals are only 16th overall in the NFLuminati Index. That is after a huge bump over the past two weeks with wins over division rivals Pittsburgh and Baltimore. But this is an NFL illusion, engineered to make things exciting. If there is one team that does not belong (other than the Redskins), it is the Bengals. They may hang tough this weekend, but if you were to ask me, “Raven Mack, I want to bet my entire life’s savings on one game this weekend, to Russian mafia guys in my area, who once murdered a cousin of mine with cheap Uzbeki explosives over something stupid like a $600 debt. Who should I bet on?” I would answer you the Texans, without thinking twice. Of course, if they lose, and you lose, it will not be me who is dead or sold into the white slave trade. But trust me, I’ve been there before (on both counts) so I can relate. Thus my pick is made with that in mind.

no NFLuminati Index, or Neil

So hey folks, I don't feel like doing the NFLuminati Index. I mean I started doing it, but just ended up writing "fuck you" at the end of each blurb. The 49ers moved up to #1, which automatically seems weird since they got blown out on the road, but really there's no dominant for-real team this year. It's basically full-fledged NBA-style now, where we'll throw a bunch of kinda shiny shit into the playoffs and something will come out on top and we'll all pretend for a week that it's awesome and then it will fade completely from our memory just as quickly and we will have wasted all this time for essentially nothing. But I guess that's what being an NFL fan is all about.
Speaking of which, my prediction that an elaborate Failure Demon was at play with the Redskins, setting them up for a winner-takes-all Sunday Night showdown against the Cowboys has come true. I am afraid I predicted the future too correctly, and wish I had said they'd win 37 Super Bowls in a row and miraculously Robert Griffin III never aged and also made 7 sons who all played for the Redskins as well because they kept them hidden and not playing football publicly so that we could draft them all without anybody knowing about them, which started a whole thing where teams started doing speculative drafting like Freedom of Information requests, where they'd draft "Tom Brady's son between the ages of 17 and 24, should one exist" and things like that. But ultimately I am also shocked the Redskins did as well as they did so I am good.
Not sure what happened to Neil. I think he hates you all. He sent me a piece of driftwood with RIP TGWY #669. Not sure what all that means to be honest.
But a thing I am doing, I had previously asked Neil but he seems disinterested in contributing, but we will do some sort of Spirit Warrior thing here, not sure what exactly. If you guys would like to help suggest active players to include, please do so in the comments, or we can set up an hour next week where we do that shit inside the twitters. I've got a dude I went to school with who might help start writing shit here, but I'm not sure; you can never tell how people will be motivated. I might try to get him to jump on-board with the Spirit Warrior thing. But let me know how we proceed.
If anybody wants to do a guest column on any pro team whatsoever, let us know. We'd (meaning me) like this place to be more of a free-for-all. I mean, fuck it, it's the Internet right? Anybody can do anything, right?
Okay, I hope you assholes had a solid holiday whatever you celebrate, or just a chill ass end of the year if you don't celebrate shit.

NFL 2012 Week 16 Full NFLuminati Index

Well well well, here we are with a simple two weeks left in the season and already 7 of the playoff spots are figured out. In fact, five division champs are already decided. But actually seeing the NFLuminati Index scores, I can tell you that even beyond that there are some big discrepancies in this year’s crop of NFL teams. Essentially the top six teams are on a different level, and then again after the 15th spot, there’s a big drop-off. Then there’s an even huger drop-off after the 19th team. So as you read through this list this week, realize that basically from #20 down, those teams are irrelevant, even if they are still in the playoff hunt. And #7 through #15, regardless of if they make the playoffs or not, those teams are questionable and susceptible to immediate collapse. Bear all this in mind. And just because I like to have some sort of focus, let’s go at this week’s listings with the attitude of what can be done by these teams to see this season as a success or at least the last two weeks. What must be done to move forward and make progress? I mean, I’ll probably forget that and start blathering like a fool about something completely irrelevant to this idea, but hey, you are probably used to that by now…

#1: HOUSTON TEXANS (12-2; same as last week) – Look, it is obvious to everyone that the Texans are psychically not a Super Bowl champion. And yet they are the top team in the AFC. To become a psychic champion, as I mentioned last week in relation to the Texans, you need to own your own home. Should they get home field advantage in the AFC playoffs – which it looks like they might – if they can hold their own at home, win a pair of games to be AFC champions, that will be a HUGE psychic step for the franchise. Honestly, that would be their Super Bowl victory on the psychic level, to just make it to the Super Bowl, where they would probably get waxed, awestruck by the bright lights, although shit man, if they get there, I guess they have a chance to be the new NFL’s created super-team.

#2: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (10-3-1; same as last week) – The main thing for the 49ers is to not stumble these last couple weeks, and earn the first round bye in the playoffs. Home field doesn’t matter, because Atlanta is a paper champion. Having that week of rest would be huge, even if more wild card teams win recent Super Bowls than not. As much as I thought the 49ers should ride with Alex Smith, and as susceptible to error as I feel Colin Kaepernick might still be, I think making that switch might be just what the 49ers needed to put them over the top. And if that does happen and they win the Super Bowl? Kaepernick taking over the duties from Smith will look comparable to a young Tom Brady taking over the Patriots from Drew Bledsoe, the deeply entrenched starter at the time. What does that mean? Probably that Alex Smith will be playing for the Dallas Cowboys next year.

#3: ATLANTA FALCONS (12-2; up one from last week) – In a post-game interview with Matt Ryan I saw, he called Mike Smith “Smitty”. This simple thing made me like Mike Smith more. Seeing some old white guy named Mike Smith seems boring and vanilla and plain and goddammit there’s enough of that in this American life. But some dude called “Smitty” seems wacky and there’s probably some off-color jokes being told as well as references to a time in Thailand back in his army days, and probably slow-cooked pulled pork barbecue is involved at times, outside, in the cold fall air, where a bunch of alcohol is drank. It made me like Mike Smith aka Smitty a little more. I still think the Falcons are fucked come the playoffs though.

#4: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (10-4; down one from last week) – Very simply the Patriots are a contender, but who knows if they’ll win it. Shit could fall apart one game and it’s done. At this point, they don’t even need to win anything, just show up and give the whole proceedings the glory of Brady and Belichick’s involvement. I mean, this shit is basically just like WWE at this point, although they still kayfabe it as actual competition. I would imagine we’ll get a Brady/Manning Pats/Broncos game in the playoffs at some point. Beyond that, it’s hard to predict how the NFL marketing gurus have planned this thing out.

#5: GREEN BAY PACKERS (10-4; same as last week) – Even though they’ve only won one Super Bowl with him, the Packers and Aaron Rodgers are sort of the NFC’s Patriots, because they won the first Super Bowls, and because Rodgers is on every commercial ever. The return of Clay Matthews gives them added marketability as well, as the largely closeted racist NFL fan base loves a white guy LB. Who knows with the Packers though? Other than that one run through the Super Bowl, they’ve had some lackluster playoff performances as a team with Aaron Rodgers. They just don’t seem to have as much fun as when the Ol’ Gunslinger was out there funning it up.

#6: DENVER BRONCOS (11-3; up one from last week) – Peyton Manning. Colorado. White people. Money. The NFL.

#7: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (9-5; up one from last week) – Fuck man, I have fantasy played out the entire rest of the season where my Redskins win the NFC East, but then have to face Beast Mode. I am afraid of Beast Mode, as we all should be. It speaks to the primal urgency inside us all, but also how the promises of post-industrial society should not further enslave humans with psychic financial chains, but actually free us to happily and joyfully explore our primal urgency on a higher, more pleasurable level, that releases dopamine and serotonin galore into our brain chemistries. Essentially that’s what Beast Mode is, and why I think I am afraid of it. Does it make sense for me to sit at this desk where I am pretending to work while writing football nonsense for a blog that like 20 people will read? How does that speak to my caveman molecules, who want nothing more than to be fucking a big assed woman by a fire in a field somewhere on earth, far from the buzz of the cyberbot gridlock put up around us all? Are we truly free, or are we tricked into thinking our domestication, which has been branded as “freedom” by most media inputs, is better than being free? I don’t know man, Marshawn Lynch forces us all to confront painful questions about our own existence.

#8: NEW YORK GIANTS (8-6; up one from last week) – Ever since I realized Tom Coughlin in bewildered frustrated mode looks like the human version of a lab/chow mix breed mutt waiting for you to throw the tennis ball, it’s all I notice or look for during Giants games. Also I read some conspiratorial knowledge about Wellington Mara (how is that a rich dude’s real name in 2012?) and his connections to Roger Goodell and how all this is connected to a continued effort to oppress the Redskins. WE SHALL OVERCOME THOUGH YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

#9: BALTIMORE RAVENS (9-5; down three from last week) – I volunteer with the homelesses and a homeless asked me my name and then asked me if I was a Ravens fan. I hate the fact I have to answer that question. They should be forced to do the same. Like, the home game PA announcer is, “And NOOWWWWWW… Introducing your Baltimore RAAVEEEEENNNSSSSSS!” and as Ray Lewis is doing that stupid dance in the end zone, some totally chill homeless dude with a hobo beard interrupts him and is like, “Oh, do y’all like Raven Mack? Y’all read Rojonekku? Armchair Linebacker? Yeah, that shit’s great.”

#10: CHICAGO BEARS (8-6; same as last week) – Jay Cutler gonna Jay Cutler.

#11: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (9-5; same as last week) – I can’t think of ways to make fun of Indiana or the Colts any more. I just don’t have it in me. It makes me sad that such a horrid place full of horrid people can actually be successful in football, albeit on the lowered scale of 2012 NFL football, where you can win 10 games in shit fashion and get crushed by good competition clearly. Basically, this is all the faults of America, tolerating and even propping up the weak, in the name of equal marketing, in some weird fake form of freedom that is purchased and believed in like a Bible but not actually practiced in our daily living. It disgusts me actually. Fuck the Colts; they are everything that is wrong with America. But you know what? They’ll win another Super Bowl before I’m ever allowed to live the life that truly feels free to me. America is not about my way, it is about Andrew Luck jerseys and smiling white people and pretending we’re doing something to stop government-made cancer by shaving the hair off of conventionally attractive bitches, who aren’t actually attractive at all, just painted over with chemicals and stuffing their tits into shape-forming bras, or even surgically enhancing them. Regardless of whether the Mayan calendar was right or wrong, we are fucked y’all – absolutely fucked.

#12: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (8-6; up one from last week) – As a Redskins fan, this talk of controlling our own destiny is sort of disconcerting, as nothing has been worse for the Redskins in the past 15 years than the effects of the things they control. It almost seems less likely we’ll make the playoffs now that we control our own destiny, at least in the ways that cliché is used in regards to sports. It would be better if we just had to do whatever and hope a bunch of other shit happened too, because then we didn’t have to concentrate on ourselves, which ultimately leads us to realize all the terrible mistakes constantly made, and paralyze our thought processes with Failure Demons. In fact, I’m not convinced at all that this is not some horrible, perverse Failure Demon at work that will culminate in a Sunday Night Football game against the Cowboys with playoff berths on the line that goes psychically wrong in a thousand ways all at once in the last ten minutes. That is actually what I expect. Hail to the Redskins!

#13: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (7-7; down one from last week) – Look at this position. Then scroll way down to where the Cincinnati Bengals are at #20. Sure the Steelers have lost some games, but they are a far superior team. Shit hasn’t been going their way since Charlie Batch’s emotional win over the Ravens. But come on man, the Bengals are coming to town. It’s going to be hilarious. Y’all are gonna fuck those dudes up so bad. Be chill, last wild card spot could still easily be your’s.

#14: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (8-6; up three from last week) – I cannot get over how weird Adrian Peterson’s eyeballs look. I really cannot. I know he’s doing wonderful and might break Eric Dickerson’s single season rushing record (he won’t), but damn, what the fuck is up with that dude’s eyes?

#15: DALLAS COWBOYS (8-6; up one from last week) – I really appreciate Tony Romo because somehow the  Universe created a dude who I can loathe with all the hatred I’d have for a Roger Staubach or Danny White, but updated him for the post-Internet basedgod age. Thank you Universe, for giving me Tony Romo to hate and laugh at and shit like that.

#16: ST. LOUIS RAMS (6-7-1; down two from last week) – Boy, the Rams at the Buccaneers is going to be a helluva game, ain’t it? (Crickets chirping. Tumbleweed rolls past) [How come tumbleweed is never smoking weed?]

#17: MIAMI DOLPHINS (6-8; up one from last week) – Perhaps my focus is too far from the AFC, but the Dolphins don’t even seem like a real team to me. They seem like an HBO created team at this point, where it’s mostly a sitcom but partially a drama because there’s no laugh track. Relatedly, I read some random thing that suggested Nick Saban would maybe come back to the NFL and all I could think was, “Holy fuck, doesn’t anybody remember like four years ago with the Dolphins?” I guess he’d come suck in the NFL for the Bills probably, and then quickly resign to go coach Tennessee in the SEC or some wacky stupid shit like that, constantly playing one criminal organization against the other, until eventually he is killed by Snoop and Chris in an abandoned practice facility just north of Tampa.

#18: NEW YORK JETS (6-8; down three from last week) – Dear New York Jets, I have to give it to you. As I had contemplated all the various scenarios of a Mark Sanchez/Tim Tebow QB controversy, I never expected it to end with “neither… some guy named McElroy.” I did not expect you to give us the hilarity of a buttfumble gif, nor did I expect Tebow’s heroics from last year to be completely muted somehow. You are an amazing force in your ability to subjugate talent and potential and turn it into comic fodder for the internet. I think Rex Ryan should get a contract extension until forever. And go ahead and make LaRon Landry your defensive coordinator. Thanks, Raven.

#19: TENNESSEE TITANS (5-9; same as last week) – I was watching some old classic porn from the early ‘80s the other weekend and there was this thing two dudes did with an Asian chick that they called “the Tennessee Titan.” I had no idea. And good lord, how many movies has Tom Byron been in?

#20: CINCINNATI BENGALS (8-6; up two from last week) – In case you are bewildered by playoff picture scenarios, let me assure you, these Bengals will not make any playoffs. They are a horrid team, and my meta-scientific data proves it. In the five or six years I’ve been doing this, they are actually the lowest rated team compared to how good their actual record is, ever, and if they do make the playoffs, the only team that ever did so with a lower potential NFLuminati Index score was the 7-9 Seahawks that one year they won the NFC West.

#21: ARIZONA CARDINALS (5-9; up two from last week) – Shit man, I don’t even know how to joke on these guys any more. I was going to make a Pac-10 basketball joke, but I’m not sure anybody actually reads these things, so for the three people that did, it wouldn’t make any sense (as if anything ever does around here). They are the Cardinals; we should all feel bad for them. I still wish Heriberto Lazcano had been allowed to purchase them from the Bidwell family. Arizona Zetas has a great ring to it.

#22: DETROIT LIONS (4-10; down two from last week) – Man, I don’t even know what to say Lions fans. I received a few strange voicemails from Neil this past week. I think he’s off on one of his Bigfoot freak-outs again, babbling about a “Manatooley Island”. Is that a real thing? Is that a place? He sounded kinda wacked out, but I had also recently sent him some homemade psycho-ephedrine, which is a sort of herbal amphetamine/mild hallucinogenic of my own concoction. I am a scientist, after all.

#23: BUFFALO BILLS (5-9; down two from last week) – I have rolled my Bills-related gibberish into my Browns-related gibberish below. I will return to the office on January 2nd. If there are any issues that need to be handled immediately, contact Armchair Linebacker Human Resources at ACLBHR420@hotmail.com.

#24: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (6-8; same as last week) – I didn’t even know who that boy group in the Pepsi commercial was, but apparently it is a real thing and my second daughter who is 9 likes them. She accidentally put one of their songs on my iPod and it came on and I was like, “What the fuck is this bullshit?” but I always listen to every song that comes up on my iPod all the way through because it must’ve gotten put there for a reason, and then delete it later, rather than ever skip anything. Why skip what life puts at you? Now I understand the weakness in this thinking, as the computer algorithm of an MP3 device’s shuffle settings has a set pattern to mimic randomness, whereas actual life is completely random, although my studies of fractal geometry suggest that maybe that complete randomness has a precise pattern as well, just larger than our human brains will ever be able to discern or map out. But I don’t drink Pepsi any more. Not because of the boy group or anything, but because corn syrup is a killer. I don’t need sacred geometric crop circles to lay that one out for me. You fuckers don’t believe me, then keep on along with your bullshit. Diabetes will kill you all if liver cancer doesn’t get you first.

#25: CLEVELAND BROWNS (5-9; up two from last week) – Buffalo and Cleveland should combine and see if they can get one good team out of themselves, and then make the other team of lesser players play all their road games, so that the fans of both the Browns and Bills would get quality home games every week, but still be only mediocre. The real issue would be the NFL coordinating home games so Buffalo and Cleveland don’t share a home game on the same weekend. And if they play each other? Make those the Toronto games. LOOK! I JUST MADE THE NFL MORE AWESOME! WITH MY BRAIN!

#26: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (6-8; same as last week) – Well, I had been telling you the Bucs were a horrible team but a good fantasy option the past few weeks. Unfortunately, last week Josh Freeman decided to cripple a million dudes’ fantasy playoff dreams and aspirations. Little financial data is known about fantasy football, but I am going to estimate that Freeman’s performance last weekend cost fantasy football players a potential $3.7 million in fantasy earnings. That makes for a lot of fantasy pissed dudes, who will never forgive Josh Freeman. His fantasy career is basically ruined forever.

#27: CAROLINA PANTHERS (5-9; up one from last week) – As another lackluster Carolina Panthers year comes to a close, I can’t help but feel for Steve Smith, who has quietly been one of the best WRs the NFL has seen. Tough as fuck, and a chill dude, always overshadowed by the Ochocincos and T.O.’s who stomped their feet. Smith had those accusations at one point too, but quietly played out in Carolina, and is one of my favorites. If there’s a dude who I’d like to see have that last two-year run on a contender to try and get a ring, it’s him, although that sort of belittles all the previous accolades when you have to switch a team to get it. It’s like life – it sucks that some of us are born into situations that will never get but so much better. But we can walk that path with kick assery and pride and fuck shit up in an honorable way, like Steve Smith did, for the most part, I think.

#28: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (5-9; down three from last week) – Only two weeks left of Norv Turner as an NFL head coach, forever. I am so excited.

#29: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (4-10; same as last week) – Please Eagles, please, don’t beat the Redskins. And please Eagles fans please don’t bludgeon my fellow Redskins fans. Actually, Redskins fans kind of suck, so go ahead, tackle them into the bushes and piss on them. I wish we could trade fanbases, like trade 1000 Redskins season ticket holders for 1000 Eagles season ticket holders, and they had to switch team allegiances. Hopefully we get to a point of psychological pharmaceuticals that we can trick ourselves into thinking we’ve been rooting for a team all our life and create false memories or associate real memories with a different entity to artificially generate that lifelong fan emotional bond.

#30: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-12; same as last week) – Somehow I’ve secretly started having wild hopes for the Jaguars under their new crazy man owner simply because Cecil Shorts has done so well for me in fantasy football. How could you not like a guy named Cecil Shorts? And they’ll get a top 3 draft pick, which hopefully means they pick some big crazy lineman dude. They should really think about changing the uniforms though. I know Nike is going to push hard for some team to do it, saying, “The Seahawks were the only team to take a full makeover, and they made the playoffs.” The Jags would be a good choice, because most people don’t realize they exist, so if they came out with something awesome, it would knock people out. Unfortunately, Nike would be involved in designing the uniforms which means it’d be some metrosexual space alien cyberzubaz crap. But still, even blind squirrels find nuts around Christmas.

#31: OAKLAND RAIDERS (4-10; same as last week) – As the Matt Barkley draft hype train will get to rolling along before too long, it’s important we look back at the legacies of previous USC QBs of recent memory: Matt Leinart amongst various teams, Mark Sanchez with the Jets, and Carson Palmer, who is probably the most successful of them all, and yet just a barely likeable starter for one of the worst teams in the NFL. My advice to NFL teams: don’t draft Matt Barkley in the first round. Let somebody else make that mistake. If he trickles down, then maybe, but don’t count on him being worth a shit ever. If everybody else on this list is the example, he will be far more promise than realized greatness.

#32: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (2-12; same as last week) – The Chiefs have won 50% of their games this season after a team member committed a murder/suicide with his girlfriend. Not exactly the foundation for success. It’s gonna be hard for Romeo Crennel to roll that into corporate speaking engagements.

NFL 2012 Week 15 Full NFLuminati Index

I had worked partially on last week’s NFLuminati Index but then didn’t finish it because I was prepping shit for an art show, but I’m probably going to co-opt as much as possible since I am basically just wasting my life at work and it is more enjoyable to truly waste your life by not doing new things but rehashing old things. So take this following intro and just add a week to whatever is out of context now that is seven days later:

“When you break the NFL season down into four quarters, this is the week we enter the fourth quarter. Teams are either battling for/jostling in/coasting towards the playoffs, or they are playing out their season. The NFL and its talking pointed up commentators will push how for those 13 teams essentially out of it, they are still playing for pride or next year or whatever, but it’s just not true. And after this weekend, you’ll start to have a couple teams locked up in their playoff spots at the top, so they’ll slow down the pace as well. What I’m telling you is this is not going to be the most wonderful next couple of weeks of football, which makes sense because it’s been a pretty lackluster year. There are no clearly great teams, the NFL foisting Thursday Night Football upon us all has created a Mid-American Conference feel to parts of the league, and the golden goose – which will still be laying golden eggs for years to come – is showing her first noticeable signs of internal sickness. But nonetheless, it is American football, and much like American exceptionalism itself, we are loathe to admit how much we have fallen from grace until it has become painfully obvious to everybody around us, and even then we’ll deny it for another four to eight years. Still though, I do these things, so as Montell Jordan used to sang it, this is how we do it…”

#1: HOUSTON TEXANS (11-2; same as last week) – Last week for these guys I wrote, “The Texans have solidified themselves as the top team in the league by NFLuminati Index standards, and even a loss at the Patriots won’t knock them out. Still though, I don’t feel like they are legit as a potential Super Bowl champion. This has that NFL sports entertainment engineering feel of elaborately validating Peyton Manning in the playoffs, where Manning and Broncos beat the Texans and former Broncos QB now head coach Gary Kubiak, and you have the storyline of Manning, Kubiak, John Elway sitting in the executive box, all those things to give Peyton that push into the stratosphere of psychic consumption by the masses. And oddly enough, I don’t think a team whose major star player is a wacky poet vegan is going to get the sky-high American consumption push. You may think all this type of talk is nonsense, and that’s fine, you’ll probably sleep easier than I do at night. Actually I sleep really well – I look forward to the coming economic apocalypse and the decline of the American Empire built upon falsehoods and subliminal suggestions.”

I have to admit though something shifted in my thinking in the past two weeks. I mean, I still think the Texans have a 0% chance of winning the Super Bowl. However, I used to think they had a 0% chance of even going. And normal power rankings knee-jerkisms would move them down after losing at the Patriots, using college football rankings mentality. But this is the NFL, where everybody is going to lose a few games. And as an NFL power, you should own your home, and steal the road. It’s that simple. So it makes sense the Patriots – perhaps the most dynastic team in the NFL right now – owned their home. In fact, my metasciences are built so that a loss by the Patriots would have been far more damaging than a loss by the Texans, hence them still at #1. But what I’ve noticed is, as fucked up as this sounds, Houston rappers talking about the Texans on Twitter. This is a cultural indicator that the Texans are now established at home, that they own that shit, to an extent. And to back that, they did win a home playoff game last year. So I expect them to do that this year. They’ve actually built some good shit there. That’s pretty big, because since 9/11 changed everything, only two franchises have won their first Super Bowl ever (Saints in 2010, Buccaneers in 2003), even though nearly half (14 teams) of the NFL has yet to win a Super Bowl. This is a huge psychic burden to overcome, a vastly larger force than simple quality of football team in any given year. The Texans are actually building up to that better than any other team in the NFL that has yet to win a Lombardi Trophy. I wouldn’t have said that a few weeks ago.

#2: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (9-3-1; up one from last week) – The 49ers are the team to beat in the NFC at this point, even with their QB issues. I’m not convinced this is the perfect time to have a double-QB system, but QBs are such moody bitches they don’t like to roll like that. Alpha dudes are always afraid of the MMF threesome. I’m not sure why that is, perhaps fear it will unlock some inner-bisexuality they are worried will turn them full gay. But it’s okay for a QB to share the snaps from under center in 2012. You’d think San Francisco would be more open to that than anywhere else. I guess the old saying is true: Open-minded people are as much as asshole as anybody else.

#3: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (10-3; up one from last week) – Patriots gonna be Patriots. They don’t have to win shit because basically at this point Belichick and Brady shine up the postseason with future-HOFer status and make it all seem legit as fuck. They don’t need to win a damn thing to prove anything, so them losing to others makes the others seem more Hall of Fame-like. It’s an old carnival trick. Stop pretending.

#4: ATLANTA FALCONS (11-2; down two from last week) – The Falcons, even with home field advantage, have no chance of winning the Super Bowl. They have no chance of getting to the Super Bowl. Any NFC team hoping to make the playoffs that has to go on the road, if they could pick who to go play, they all would pick the Falcons, over every other team. Over the Seahawks, over the Bears, over the fucking Redskins. Nobody is afraid of the Falcons. At this point, the Falcons just have to focus on winning a single playoff game to justify their continued promotion as an actual “good” football team, and to try to not become the new San Diego Chargers. By the way, Mike Smith and Matt Ryan have won as many playoff games as my football-playing goats have.

#5: GREEN BAY PACKERS (9-4; same as last week) – Beginning of the season, everybody was putting them out of greatness, but they were still pretty high on this list. Now look, they’re right back where you thought they were gonna be. Stop doing the won-loss reaction thing during the regular season. The Packers will be a factor in the playoffs, and being the NFC is a sort of crapshoot amongst about three teams (49ers/Giants/Packers) as to who is hottest in January, they might make the Super Bowl, or might not even make the NFC Championship. But they will be notable as fuck. And goddamn, stop the onslaught of insurance double check commercials. Please. I mute commercials and still am sick of that shit.

#6: BALTIMORE RAVENS (9-4; same as last week) – Are we calling him “Pretty” Flacco yet? Because we should be. Here is my playoff predictions for the Ravens: they will win every home game possible, and then lose every road game. That’s an easy prediction because that’s basically how they play football, for the past few years.

#7: DENVER BRONCOS (10-3; up two from last week) – The Broncos level of victory and competition has been lackluster, so though most power lists are fellating the greatness of Peyton Manning and putting them in the top 3, let me be clear and warn you that these guys are still second-tier. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, as it’ll make for compelling sports entertainment in the playoffs: potential Peyton/Brady showdowns, potential Broncos/Colts games, the constant unrealized tease of a Manning/Manning Super Bowl. But let’s be real, these guys ain’t going to no fucking Super Bowl.

#8: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (8-5; up three from last week) – Beast Mode is a psychological virus that has apparently affected Russell Wilson and is spreading throughout the Pacific Northwest. Though I’m not entirely convinced this is an engineered push to make Nike uniforms seem more great amongst us stupid masses, I will never not once complain about Marshawn Lynch having a larger platform upon which to Beast Mode the Earth.

#9: NEW YORK GIANTS (8-5; up one from last week) – Who the fuck knows with the Giants? They will either play amazingly well and Tom Coughlin will look all grumpy happy on the sideline, or they will look like an AFC West team and Coughlin will look perplexed like a dog you are jingling a chew toy at but not throwing. I know this much though: I dislike Eli Manning very strongly.

#10: CHICAGO BEARS (8-5; down three from last week) – The Bears are coming apart at the seams man. A team that a few weeks ago was sitting in the NFC North driver’s seat now has a very tenuous hold on the last wild card spot. I know when things get tough and it is getting down to crunch time where shit has to be precision greatness without mistakes, there’s not a QB/WR pairing I’d trust more than Jay Cutler/Brandon Marshall. They both have long personal histories of stability and consistency, and that’s really going to pay off in these coming three weeks.

#11: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (9-4; up one from last week) – Colts going to the playoffs makes me want to make a vanilla joke but you know what? Vanilla is actually pretty tasty. Like for real vanilla, not the imitation extract bullshit. And true to life vanilla beans, cooked into desserts? Man, that’s some really great stuff. So yes, the Colts will be boring football for boring Indiana people in January, but it’s not fair to real vanilla to call them or Andrew Luck vanilla. Also of note, I do not give a fuck if a cheerleader shaves her head. It would be more notable if she did not shave her vagina. In fact, I am starting a charitable movement right now where women stop shaving their vaginas to help raise cancer awareness. I have an awareness fetish.

#12: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (7-6; down four from last week) – The Steelers seem to play a lot better this year in those honeybee uniforms. Bring that beat back. Also I am not worried about Roethlisberger. Like any good lumbering drunkard ninja piece of human brilliance, it takes a week or two to get back up to 100% awesome level.

#13: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (7-6; same as last week) – One thing I’ve learned this year is that Redskins fans are the fucking worst, at least when you limit yourself to following the Skins online. White people with the internet are really horrible people. I realize most of you are probably, statistically speaking, white people with the internet, so allow me to just say fuck you, you are probably horrible in real life. That doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy each other’s pretend company in cyberland, but if we were to sit at a table in real life together while playing dominoes or eyeballs, I would probably end up wanting to smash your skull, although I’m a totally chill dude, so I wouldn’t, I would just blow it off and then never fucking deal with you again. Ultimately that is the failure of the internet, not being able to get a true gauge of whether someone is a decent human being or not.

The one thing that has drawn me back into the Redskins this year, and continues to give me faith, is old black guys who like the Redskins. They are great. I just got on an elevator where it was only me and an old black dude who was carrying a Redskins lunch bag. We exchanged our excitement about if they make the playoffs, and how we hope RG3 “gets his knee right.” It made me feel okay about it all – about the Redskins, about being a white people with the internet, about the future of this team, my fandom, and mankind as well. It’s all going to be okay, because once the power goes out and the batteries die, there won’t be white people with internet no more.

#14: ST. LOUIS RAMS (6-6-1; same as last week) – The great thing about NFL games ending in ties is that every team has played an odd number of games and yet the Rams are at a perfectly even .500. I like that. It makes me think of real football, and World Cup qualifying, and how great it would be if pro football in America was more robust and vibrant like real football. Like what if you got five points for winning a game from the first quarter, four if you took the lead in the 2nd, three for in the 3rd, and two points if you won the game in the 4th quarter, and you got one point for a tie, and there were no overtimes? And then the top scoring teams went to the playoffs. That would be great. Or what if it was a triangular field kind of, and there were three teams so two were on defense at all times, like six players each, while the team on offense played twelve, and you were sort of playing two teams at once? This is the type of shit I think up constantly. I am very disappointed that I do not have a larger forum for my philosophical ideas in relation to sports entertainment. Ultimately, I’ve put it out there; it’s you guys who haven’t spread the word.

#15: NEW YORK JETS (6-7; up one from last week) – The real question is whether Rex Ryan’s sexual perversions have corrupted Tim Tebow or not. Mark Sanchez we already know is better than some but not cream of the crop, and probably not even mediocre a lot of times, but hey, who cares, it’s not QB is the one missing piece. Mostly I want to know about Tebow’s continued Christianity in NYC, and whether his rib injury is actually what I’ve heard about being related to the creation of a new Eve.

#16: DALLAS COWBOYS (7-6; up five from last week) – You know what the NFL and in fact all “free rides if you are drunk” programs should do to actually make an honest effort to cut down on drinking and driving?  Instead of just a bullshit ride home, have the ride home also involve a totally chill extra dude who could drive your shit back to your house with the ride. The real cause for drinking and driving usually is not the fact people don’t give a fuck about people, it’s because how the fuck are you gonna get your car the next day? Why would you leave it in the scummy ass place you parked it until after the sun comes up, when you can see how sketchy it really is? Especially if you’ve got a nice ass ride in a drinking district, you don’t want that thing sitting there overnight, because when I used to be a drunk fuck looking for rides to break into at four in the morning, that’s exactly where I looked. This is not a cultural problem so much as a “don’t want to have my car get fucked up” problem. I mean, I get the fact people die, like that Cowboys dude, and that’s sad. I lost a couple of friends to drinking and driving over the years. But the actual statistics of how often you drink and drive to how often you kill people is way lower than they’d have you believe. The odds of your car getting fucked up if you left it somewhere are way higher than the chances of you killing somebody. Let’s think about this realistically, and make actual change for the better, that people can live with. Not just the dead from drunk drivers people can live with but actual drunks and people who have nice rims on SUVs and normal dudes like you and me can live with as well.

#17: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (7-6; up three from last week) – I don’t know man, I just don’t even think about the Vikings. I’ve read enough Scandinavian mythology that the fact there’s even a team called “the Vikings” sort of upsets. Odin didn’t hang from Yggdrasil for this bullshit.

#18: MIAMI DOLPHINS (5-8; down three from last week) – There is nothing finer than the jiggle of feminine ass. That’s all I can think about at this moment. Perhaps that is in relation to Miami, I don’t know. But it’s what I’m thinking about. A lot.

#19: TENNESSEE TITANS (4-9; same as last week) – I’ve been listening to a lot of old evil sounding Triple 6 Mafia lately. Makes me think the Titans need an alternate jersey that is black. Makes me think Tennessee needs an alternate flag that has a skull on it too.

#20: DETROIT LIONS (4-9; up two from last week) – Last week in my unfinished thing I wrote, “Well Lions fans who patronize the ACLB site with regularity, I am saddened to say it was this precise past week that the Lions NFLuminati psychic power matched their on-field performance. Up until the end of that Colts game, there was a chance to play good football, right the wronged ship, and turn this thing around. But in those crumbling moments, they became the Lions again. If you do not think a coaching change is necessary, you are fooling yourself. Ultimately, this is almost EXACTLY like when the Jaguars – a known loser – had started to taste success but also off-field issues under Jack Del Rio early on. They chose to ignore the obvious and keep Del Rio around long beyond his usefulness in building an actual winning franchise, and look at where that’s gotten them. The bottom of the NFL, in a state of rebuilding that might need rebuilding from. Keeping Schwartz will get you that. I think at this point the question is not so much about whether to keep him or not, but whether to keep him until the end of the season. It might be worth throwing him under the bus now to try and see what is salvageable from this roster for the next few weeks. Of course, the Ford family – as proven with the name “Matt Millen” – is not one too quick to throw someone under the bus for the better of the franchise. So I would expect Jim Schwartz to stay put, and the Lions to stay bad. Sorry friends.”

All of that I stand by, but I also want to say to you Lions fans who are the most loyal readers of all here at Armchair Linebacker that you should hold your head up. The Lions are not as bad as their record suggests. By NFLuminati standards, you guys could just as easily be 6-7 or 7-6. It’s been some bad breaks for you this year. You should open your hearts to coaching changes, but also keep your heart open to accepting you had bad mojo this year. Burn some sage around the periphery of Detroit. Send the whole defensive line off to Nebraska for a sweat lodge ceremony. Shit man, they should have weekly sweat lodge ceremonies to keep them purified and full of spirit. So much potential for spirit warrior status on this team.

I hate to say this too, as I love you all, but Matthew Stafford, there may be some damage to his goods, on the inside of the skull tip, if you know what I mean. Keep your eye on him. He needs to be surrounded by Spirit Warriors, as he cannot be one himself. Weak men can be lifted to greatness, but they cannot get there on their own. He is a weak man. You can see it in his eyeballs.

#21: BUFFALO BILLS (5-8; down four from last week) – I have a friend who is a Bills fan, and his favorite player ever in the history of mankind existing on Earth is Marshawn Lynch. This weekend the Seahawks play the Bills and it has left him feeling conflicted, and ultimately sad that the Bills are never able to shift into Beast Mode as a franchise. I feel for him. It seemed like there was a chance for some Beast Modeliness with Fitzpatrick and Fred Jackson and Stevie Johnson and man the potential of C.J. Spiller, but it’s lost that shine, hasn’t it? Poor Bills fans. I feel for you. You will forever be known as the team that always lost the Super Bowl and whose best player ever stabbed motherfuckers.

#22: CINCINNATI BENGALS (7-6; down four from last week) – Redheaded dudes are already assholes, why would you make one wear an orange football jersey? That’s just asking for trouble.

#23: ARIZONA CARDINALS (4-9; up one from last week) – Somehow the Cardinals moved up one spot even though they got ass-kicked in ridiculous fashion. Congratulations Detroit Lions fans, you get to pla the Cardinals. Also sorry Detroit Lions fans, just as soon as you relegate yourself to thinking about draft position, the Lions will go on a tear. That’s called “sucks so bad they can’t even suck right,” although I guess 2008 proved they can suck right.

#24: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (5-8; up one from last week) – Haha Drew Brees playing the Brooklyn Brawler glorified jobber role this season, where the NFL falsely punished dudes for a Bountygate that never happened. Shit is so fucking fake they’re having a hard time keeping it straight now. And like Neil and I have said time and again, including very much in-depth in the football metaphysics book, the Bountygate punishments weren’t about somebody doing this or that so much as it was setting a newsworthy legal precedent where the NFL seemed to be caring about player safety in a dramatic perhaps over-bearing way. The NFL does not give a fuck about player safety – college football will continue to feed them meat. What the NFL cares about is legal liability, and if they establish that as soon as they were made aware of issues they were proactive, in fact over-reactive, to player safety issues, they establish they are not liable for the piles of twisted, maimed lives left behind their billion-dollar path towards success. That’s all it’s about. To think anything else is naïve.

#25: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (5-8; up two from last week) – In a perfect world, Norv Turner never existed. Neither did Philip Rivers.

#26: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (6-7; down three from last week) – Remember when I was telling you the Bucs weren’t that good and overrated in most power polls due to their inflated record? Now look at them, moving down everywhere else, but pretty much right where they always were here. That’s the different between actual science and just guessing about shit you are overreacting to from one weekend. As I’ve always said, Bucs are a bad football team with great fantasy team feeders.

#27: CLEVELAND BROWNS (5-8; down one from last week) – Little known facts about Brandon Weeden: 1) He played Triple-A baseball for the Chicago Cubs. 2) His great great uncle was a German chemist who was smuggled out of Nazi Germany to South America in Operation Paperclip. 3) He sometimes logs into his wife’s Pinterest account to look at things. 4) He calls marijuana “marijuana” which is always funny to hear somebody say. 5) I don’t know, make up some funny shit, I need to wrap this up because my work day is almost done.

#28: CAROLINA PANTHERS (4-9; up two from last week) – My favorite thing about the Panthers is that little kid in the Play 60 commercial. I prefer to Play 69 personally. Because 69 is a number that represents the sexual position where a man and a woman have their heads at each other’s sexual organ. You get it? Then we play 69. But only with a woman. Not a dude. I’m not Jared Allen.

#29: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (4-9; same as last week) – Andy Reid and the Eagles, contrarian as fuck, winning win all hope is lost. I love Andy Reid. I hope that fucker is coaching the Bears next year, and wins a Super Bowl. Andy Reid and his big mustache would be perfect in Chicago. As for the Eagles, I don’t know man, my main question is will somebody give Mike Vick another chance to start? It’s gonna be pretty low in the NFL hierarchy if they do, or he can make the transition to high-profile back-up for questionable starter who is apt to get injured, like in Seattle or Denver or something. Or Mike Vick on the Patriots, man, can you imagine that, running the wildcat for Tom Brady?

#30: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-11; down two from last week) – I am so upset that my man Cecil Shorts got himself concussed because I was counting on that dude in fantasy foozball playoffs. I could really give a fuck about anything else related to the Jaguars. But props to them for being in the thick of the hunt for the number one pick in the draft, which doesn’t have the same luster as it did last year. Still though, the economy’s not that bad, I’m sure they can find something nice.

#31: OAKLAND RAIDERS (3-10; same as last week) – The Raiders are still the next to worst team in the NFL.

#32: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (2-11; same as last week) – The Chiefs are still the worst team. And now they play each other. CLASSIC RIVALRY!

NFL 2012 Week 13 Full NFLuminati Index

Perhaps we shall take an old school meander through our power rankings, which are called NFLuminati Index here at Armchair Linebacker, because we are a mystical bunch. And by mystical I mean we drink codeine cough syrup, although technically we “drank” it, not drink it, and use this altered state of consciousness to think about football on the metaphysical plane, because frankly this earthly plane is kind of a bitch ass. Here are your rankings according to the science of one Mr. Wildbird Lounger Raven Mack the man of One Thousand Feathers, which is an actual method using science and math, not just nonsense jibber-jabber like most NFL power rankings, which mimic the knee-jerk styles of college rankings systems. My shit is real motherfucker…
#1: HOUSTON TEXANS (10-1; up one from last week) – The Texans switch spots with the Falcons again, and these two teams are very much the top two teams by my methodology, though I’ll pretty much guarantee you neither one is in the Super Bowl at the end. However, if I were to pick one of the highlights of this NFL season, it would be following Arian Foster on twitter. I mean, him being interesting on twitter only makes him like the 47th most interesting person out of 100 on twitter, but that’s a pretty good showing for a celebrity, much less a football celebrity. But he is a wacky dude, and I would like to one day sit around a hobo jungle fire with him discussing the nuances of Farid ud-Din Attar’s The Conference of the Birds. Talk about epic poetry.
#2: ATLANTA FALCONS (10-1; down one from last week) – Okay, the fact that Mike Smith doesn’t even look like an NFL head coach but a guy who runs an independently-owned Ace Hardware store is eventually going to come back to bite the Falcons. They just don’t feel legitimate.
#3: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (8-2-1; same as last week) – The 49ers actually, through their QB controversy, add an interesting wrinkle to the concussion syndrome issue that feverishly boils just below the surface of the NFL. Alex Smith, though troubled as a starter, has earned his starting role the past two seasons. The only thing that took him out of starting was a concussion, and then having a back-up do really well now keeps him on the bench. The biggest issue facing the NFL – as well as the U.S. Army when it comes to blast explosures, which is a very similar condition – is having players admit to their injuries. Alex Smith is not being benched seen in a noble light right now, that he was a warrior at his position and it’s now time for the next guy to take a shot. No, he’s being seen as a slow-rolling failure who is finally being replaced. So when the next Alex Smith gets concussed, and it’s not as obvious a situation, how honest do you think that guy is going to be to trainers and medical staff? He could lose his starting job, and perhaps his NFL career, at least at the standard it’s at before this imaginary incident. And yet he only jeopardizes himself by putting himself out there to potentially get re-concussed while still recovering from the first. And the league doesn’t give a fuck about that. I mean, legally they do, and they’ll probably scribble off another meaningless $5 million check to some sort of brain trauma institute which will pay for a small handful of MRI sessions before the photo-op money is all gone, but they’ll also be aggressively selling $10 million worth of Colin Kaepernick jerseys in four styles at the same time. It’s business to them. It’s also business to the Alex Smiths of the NFL, who are just trying to maximize their earning potential. I guess the ultimate point here is our collective idea that making money through business is somehow this great Freedom Jesus that saves us all is bullshit. Business will fuck you up and spit you aside, and you very well might not have shit to show for that in the end. That’s the nature of Business. So shut the fuck up with this Freedom Jesus American exceptionalism bullshit.
#4: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (8-3; up three from last week) – In this year of mediocre sludgefests of games, where even the worst team can challenge the best (as in the Jacksonville/Houston game two weeks ago), it’s somewhat funny to see the Patriots just straight curb-stomping motherfuckers. And even funnier is how Bill Belichick is doing it with a wacky hodgepodge of offensive starters, almost as if he is consciously trying to be a dick to the entire entity of fantasy football. But when every team seems to play up or down to their competition, I think this college-style “Let’s run this shit up until it’s out of hand” mentality might actually carry them strong through the playoffs. It’s a completely different mentality that anybody else is able to express right now, and it’ll be interesting to see how it plays out in stiffer playoff competition.
#5: BALTIMORE RAVENS (9-2; same as last week) – The Ravens seem good but susceptible, like you bought a brand new Audi and it’s clean and you dig it and shit, but something just doesn’t feel right when you get up to 80 on the interstate. And there’s nothing obviously wrong with it, and it’s got plenty of shine, but you don’t trust it, and in the back of your head you expect it to fuck up any day now. That’s the Baltimore Ravens.
#6: GREEN BAY PACKERS (7-4; down two from last week) – I used to hate Aaron Rodgers because he looked like my youngest sister’s ex-boyfriend who got addicted to crack and almost killed her, but then I started to like him somewhere along the time I was getting shot up with morphine in the hospital during the Super Bowl where the Black Eyed Peas were obviously alien conspirators in the enslavement of soulful humanity. But somewhere in the past two weeks, one too many of those insurance commercials makes me hate him again. At first I liked it because that wife was kinda cutesy in that green top and how she softly tapped his shoulder – she was really hot in a closet-freak soccer mom type way. But that’s worn off, and now I want Rodgers to die again. I mean, not literally die, just go away from being on TV die, which I guess I could cut the TV off, but that’s easy enough during Packers games. What about the commercials, when they sneak him in when I’m not wanting him? That’s why commercials suck. My kids are watching a sweet movie or ice skating or something and all of a sudden there’s a commercial where zombie militias are shooting holes in the bodies of humanoid brownskins committing unnatural sexual acts on each other in urban landscapes. I don’t need my kids to be seeing that shit.
#7: CHICAGO BEARS (8-3; down one from last week) – Okay: reality show pitch. You trick out an old Greyhound with all sorts of ominous looking Mad Max shit, paint it matte black, but slap a Bears logo on both sides in big orange C. Then you have Jay Cutler, Jim McMahon, and both their girlfriends/wives/whatevers live on it as they drive from the far tip of Argentina, up through South America, through Mexico, back through the Midwest, to Soldier Field. That’s it.
#8: NEW YORK GIANTS (7-4; up two from last week) – The Giants looked sharp after their bye week, which is unfortunate for them because they usually win the Super Bowl when they hit that sharpened look starting in the 17th or 18th week of the season. Might be peaking too early, as Tom Coughlin teams usually only have a window of about five weeks to be on top of their game each season.
#9: DENVER BRONCOS (8-3; down one from last week) – Peyton Manning is really Peyton Manning it up and man John Elway really saw enough Peyton Manning left in Peyton Manning to John Elway him to Denver. They’re both so great, and so is Colorado, and it’s all just so great and plus doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all because they’re both white. Not only are they both white, they both smile and cut their hair like they’ve never heard a rap song in their life and I can really feel comfortable about that.
#10: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (6-5; down one from last week) – Look man, I will not get off the subject of how awesome those striped throwbacks were until all you bitches on the internet stop complaining. You guys are so knee-jerk, not even thinking for yourselves any more. You see something crazy, and even though it’s a million times better than the eurotrash cyber uniforms everybody has now with robot numbers, or even worse yet the stupid fucking faux Elizabethan collars Nike has on the uniforms now to obviously distinguish them from Reeboks, you guys see something that doesn’t register as completely monotonous and you go “HAHAHA THOSE THINGS ARE STUPID!” Then you stuff your fat fucking face at Applebees or Olive Garden or one of the same nine restaurants sprawling like pancreatic cancer around the edges of every fucking city in America, and you vote for Democrats or Republicans and pretend they’re so goddamned different it’s worth getting excited about, and you fucking make this world a horrible, sterile, boring, pathetic place. Fuck you.
#11: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (6-5; same as last week) – Somehow between Beast Mode Marshawn Lynch and the lime green accents in the new uniforms, I have been brainwashed into actually not disliking the Seahawks for the first time in my entire life. In fact, I think I might actually root for them a little bit inside. The NFC West leaves me feeling terribly conflicted, as traditionally both the 49ers and Seahawks have always been hated by me. And yet, here I am, thinking I might like them both. This all started happening when I accidentally downloaded that bisexual porn.
#12: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (7-4; up three from last week) – Perhaps I dislike the Colts because they are still wearing their uniforms from 1947. I’m surprised their helmets have facemasks even. I’m not surprised that Andrew Luck has sold a ton more jerseys than Robert Griffin III. Motherfuckers are racist.
#13: MIAMI DOLPHINS (5-6; up seven from last week) – I’m still upset by the logo depiction of Dolphins in football helmets, as diatribed about last week. I’m on Fidel Castro’s email newsletter list, and he’s been talking a lot about hanging out with dolphins, and what amazing creatures they are. Don’t get hung up on the politics – Castro’s a solid life scientist. Wouldn’t surprise me if the football helmet militarization of dolphins in Miami is part of the larger conspiracy to ruin Castro’s life’s work. Could you imagine having a social dream, almost making it come true in an island nation, and then some imperial power builds a prison at the edge of your island where they torture stolen humans in the Crusades 2: The Electric Boxtop Boogaloo (that’s what that one dude in the hooded thing was doing I think)? It would be fucked up.
#14: DETROIT LIONS (4-7; up two from last week) – I feel like a brother-in-arms with the Lions fans who visit ACLB, but more specifically with my brother-in-gonzo Neil. Honestly, it made me sad to see all that go down the way it did on Thanksgiving Day. But then Robert Griffin III started being awesome, and I had to monitor the turkey, plus the crazy buttermilk cornbread stuffing I made for the first time ever (which was good as fuck, thanks for asking), and I forgot all about it. But at the end of the day I remembered it, and I thought to myself, “A chink in Jason Hanson’s armor even… this thing is going to turn ugly quickly.” I’m sorry Lions bros. Start performing sigil magick for whoever you might want for your next head coach. Honestly, and this might seem like blasphemy to you, I think Mike Singletary would be a good choice.
#15: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (5-6; up eight from last week) – I have two Redskins friends where we email regularly about this shit. In the past week we strolled down RIP Sean Taylor memory lane, and also attempted to convince each other how the Redskins actually did stand a chance to make the playoffs. Then we all agreed that the biggest flaw was expecting them to win the three remaining games that they should win, because the Washington Redskins never win more than 50% of the games they should win. That’s why they’re the Redskins. Still though, that Dallas game on Thanksgiving was a glorious moment.
#16: TENNESSEE TITANS (4-7; down four from last week) – I have been listening to a lot of early Three Six Mafia where they switched back and forth often times during the same song from calling themselves “Three Six” or “Triple Six” Mafia. It’s made me very afraid to get high and take my time machine back to 1994 Memphis though, so mostly I’ve been going to 1983 Atlanta, before it got all built up. Kinda nice, still small town feeling. I never take my time machine into the future any more. Always ended up just killing myself.
#17: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (6-5; up one from last week) – With my love of both Scandinavian mythology as well as screwed hip hop music, you’d think a purple Vikings jersey would be hanging in my closet. You’d be wrong as fuck though.
#18: NEW YORK JETS (4-7; down one from last week) – I will have a more thorough expounding upon the New York Jets in the next day or two, as a special request, so let’s save the lolols for then.
#19: ST. LOUIS RAMS (4-6-1; up six from last week) – Very much like the middle America it represents, the Rams sort of exist without the rest of us noticing. Sometimes they show up on our radar, like playing the 49ers to a tie, or busting a Zeta Cartel connected meth ring, or some crazy new fad where rural kids fuck baby burros or something, but for the most part, we never even remember they are there.
#20: BUFFALO BILLS (4-7; down one from last week) – Okay, okay, has enough losing taken place that we can stop pretending an Ivy League dude who grew a beard is somehow super cool and awesome and a wonderful thing? Because I think the Toronto Argonauts want him.
#21: DALLAS COWBOYS (5-6; down eight from last week) – Now that J.R. Ewing is dead, and Debbie Does Dallas is some teenager’s grandmother, there’s really no need for any of you outside of Texas to like the Cowboys. So let us all agree to enjoy their miserable shortcomings and unpredicted yet totally expected failures together.
#22: CINCINNATI BENGALS (6-5; same as last week) – The Bengals would be one of the worst 6-5 teams that existed ever if there wasn’t another one two spots down. Oddly enough, both franchises are their conference’s historically inept team.
#23: ARIZONA CARDINALS (4-7; down eight from last week) – At one point the Cardinals were near the top of this list. Now they are not. If you read the Football Metaphysics book, specifically the Coach-QB Quotient parts, you’d know that though Kevin Kolb was a sexier starting option, the Cardinals would’ve sustained more success with the far less sexy yet reliably okay enough John Skelton. If they had just committed to that choice for the year, they’d probably be 6-5 instead of 4-7. They still wouldn’t be that great, but when you have shitty options in life, you should always look to maximize the successes, no matter how limited a situation you were born into. It takes three or four generations, at least, before you’ll be one of the 1%.
#24: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (6-5; down three from last week) – Like I told you last week, the Buccaneers are not as good as their fantasy contributions would lead you to believe. That doesn’t mean they can’t make the playoffs; it just means they don’t deserve to make the playoffs. The new NFL is based on the new America though, and it’s not about deserving shit. It’s about getting shit.
#25: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (5-6; down one from last week) – Jay Electronica’s album will come out before the Saints make the playoffs again. Trust me on that.
#26: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (4-7; same as last week) – Haha oh man, both Andy Reid and Norv Turner looking to finally fall like Saddam statues this year. Hardcore Chargers fans are really weird because they are very enthusiastic fans, as if the team has actually been some sort of juggernaut at some point in its history, so this whole Norv Turner/A.J. Smith thing has shaved years off their lives. And yet from where I sit, the whole thing seems like textbook Chargers. Remember when there was L.T. and Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates on offense and the new Urlacher of Shawne Merriman on defense, and this team was going to dominate motherfuckers for years? They never even made a Super Bowl. L.T. is retired and semi-literate, Merriman might be dead from juggalo drugs for all I know, and I think both Gates and Rivers are still playing, but Gates star faded behind Tony Gonzalez as the Gronkowskis and Jimmy Grahams of the world took over TE limelight. And I’m guessing Rivers and his laser beam eyeballs are still all pissed off about everything and being a complete dick to everybody in real life, so whoever becomes the next head coach, we will get to enjoy that bad mix because Rivers is probably gonna think he is Peyton Manning. I hope they hire Marty Schottenheimer again. Schottenheimer/Philip Rivers would be great to follow as it slowly exploded through the media.
#27: CLEVELAND BROWNS (3-8; up one from last week) – As I worked through this, the Browns ended up being the last blurb I had to write. Sadly, I don’t have anything to say about them. So you get this instead.
#28: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-9; up two from last week) – The Jaguars have steadily been climbing up the charts for two weeks now, and are only the fifth worst team by NFLuminati standards at this point. And my man Cecil Shorts continues to represent for my fantasy football dreams. Word to Cecil Shorts.
#29: CAROLINA PANTHERS (3-8; up two from last week) – Quite a clusterfuck of 3-8 teams we have here this year, isn’t it? I like that little kid warming up his arm in that Cam Newton commercial though. That kid’s gonna smoke mad blunts when he gets older.
#30: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (3-8; down three from last week) – Jason Babin was sent packing this week, and a blowout loss against the Cowboys (Eagles are 10-point underdogs) might be excuse enough to can Reid early and try to salvage some competitive dignity out of this collection of veterans and kids that last year was supposed to be the Dream Team. Or was that the season before when Vince Young said that? Who knows man, internet-time has fucked up comprehending regular world time forever.
#31: OAKLAND RAIDERS (3-8; down two from last week) – If the Raiders can somehow find a way to lose to the Browns this weekend, that will set up in three weeks a wonderful game between the two obviously worse teams in the league – Raiders and Chiefs. An epic historical rivalry hitting a new low, which I hope to fucking God gets the Dan Dierdorf commentating team assigned to it, because I would love to watch that. I am not even joking.
#32: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1-10; same as last week) – Worst team in the league, with no Andrew Luck to be happy to lose for. But rest assured, a new latest and greatest rebuilding of the Kansas City Chiefs shall start afresh, without any Belichick tree fingerprints at all I would assume. WHAT WILL BE THEIR HOT NEW PHILOSOPHY NEXT YEAR? Two words for you: Koach Kardashian.

NFL 2012 Week 12 Full NFLuminati Index

It is Thanksgiving morning here at the Bird Tribe Compound – here is a video of how we do on the Compound – and I’ve already crumbled up the buttermilk cornbread I made yesterday, and added some homegrown sausage from the pigs we raised this past spring, stuffed the giant bird of American exceptionalism to slow roast through the day then carve open and gorge ourselves on. This is our future people, so be aware. It is no ironic coincidence the “Redskins” are playing on Thanksgiving Day this year – we are coming around towards psychic shifts on the Earth ball. But do not be afraid – be thankful for what you have, as my man William DeVaughn used to sang on a Sunday afternoon.

The NFL, as you will see from my write-ups this week, is sort of on the decline, much like America. I’m not sure why that is either. Is it because things aren’t allowed to go the way they want, allegedly protecting players from injury, when in actuality concerning one’s self with future liability? We are not a culture ruled by philosopher-scientists; we are ruled by lawyers. Is it because the game has gotten too glossy? I don’t fuckin’ know man, but I know this is one of the least impressive years of NFL football that I can remember. Still though, there is much to be thankful for, because perhaps I get to pretend the Redskins are good for three hours today. Perhaps…

#1: ATLANTA FALCONS (9-1; up one from last week) – The Falcons barely beat the Cardinals and yet move up past the Texans, who almost tied the Jaguars. Look, this might be the worst most boring year of NFL in recent memory. I would basically say anybody could win the Super Bowl this year. The NFL has successfully made itself like the NBA was ten years ago. Next step towards irrelevancy for the public-at-large is having superstars coordinate their plans free from GMs involvement in the future.

#2: HOUSTON TEXANS (9-1; down one from last week) – The Texans almost lost to the Jaguars in Houston, and the Jaguars were the next-to-worst team in the league going into this past weekend. Let me assure you that is not because you have to throw records out the window during storied, heated AFC South rivalry games like Houston Texans/Jacksonville Jaguars. That is because the NFL is lackluster as fuck

#3: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (7-2-1; same as last week) – I would say the 49ers, as well as Packers just below, are the two teams that look most Super Bowl-worthy by the eyeball test, similar to how dudes look Presidential, with no bearing on whatever the fuck they are actually doing. It’s why Ron Paul is a kook, and Romney never stood a chance, because that dude look fucked up, from the start. Even Obama didn’t really look Presidential, per se, but he was more so than that little racist goblin John McCain, so he won, and then become Presidential-looking, because it’s a self-perpetuating thing. Same thing happened to George W. Bush, who really was kinda stupid-looking to be President, but Al Gore was so obviously some sort of lizard cyborg thing, he didn’t look Presidential at all. Most of us weren’t certain he was even human. So W. Bush gets elected, become Presidential-looking, and unfortunately Republican party mistakes this to mean stupid-looking fuckers are considered Presidential by the masses. Not so. If I was in charge of the GOP (and I should be, honestly, as I’m a grand ol’ motherfuck), first thing I’d be doing is trying to find some non-retarded looking dudes to put on a short list of Guys We Try Not To Let Do Stupid Shit For Four Years.

Oddly enough, the 49ers have a QB controversy generated by the lamestream media at ESPN. Smith is in, bro, and Harbaugh is Presidential so he ain’t gonna drop Smith like that. Sure, he might find a concussive reason to let Kapernick play another week, but Smith is the man, even if he ain’t.

#4: GREEN BAY PACKERS (7-3; up one from last week) – Is Triple H still injured for the Packers? Will he be back in time for Superbowlmania, or are they gonna push that back until next year’s TV programs?

#5: BALTIMORE RAVENS (8-2; up seven from last week) – The Ravens got a huge(ly boring) win in Pittsburgh, and honestly in a year where the league says, “Who wants to be champion?” and most other teams take a step backwards to de-volunteer themselves ala Three Stooges, the Ravens might end up winning it all by just sort of puttering along at normal pace.

#6: CHICAGO BEARS (7-3; down two from last week) – Remember two weeks ago when everybody was like “ARE THE BEARS THE BEST TEAM IN FOOTBALL?” and I came to you with NFLuminati sciences and was like, “Lol, fuck no, not even close.” Now look at your dumb asses. Still though, I am here again to say, with these sciences, there is no need to freak out. The Bears are still a solid team by the NFL’s shaky 2012 standards. So chill out. We’ll get to see Cutler pout in the January cold of Chicago, puffing on a cigarillo, sneaking off into the locker room for “concussion tests” which are really just blowjobs that his famous model ol’ lady don’t know about.

#7: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (7-3; same as last week) – I hate Bill Belichick because he fucking caused me to put piece of shit Danny Woodhead on my fantasy team, and then he didn’t even use him this past week in a huge stomping of the Colts. So fucking annoying. Danny Woodhead looks like the asshole dude from a restaurant kitchen or construction site who loves white people acceptable rap music, and drives some shitty motorcycle, and talks about some weird extreme sport he does which will eventually be replaced by jiu-jitsu with an extreme MMA bent. Goddammit.

#8: DENVER BRONCOS (7-3; up on from last week) – Here, let me say a thing: even more important to success in Denver this year than Peyton Manning is John Fox. Fox has secretly been one of the greater coaches below the radar in the NFL. He led the Panthers to wild successes beyond their current imagination, and he took fucking Tim Tebow to the playoffs last year. Honestly, I was dwelling on this, and as much as I hate Peyton Manning, he never – not even with Tony Dungy – had a great head coach in Indy. Dungy was always good at doing okay with great, but he never got great out of okay. John Fox gets great out of okay (see Tebow 2011), and fuck man, with Peyton Manning having an actual coach instead of just coaching his own games, the fuckin’ Broncos might actually go to the Super Bowl. I can’t believe I’m saying that, but I think it’s true.

#9: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (6-4; down three from last week) – Fuck everybody who mocked those Steelers uniforms. Every fuckin’ NFL team should have uniforms like that. If I had enough photoshop skills, I’d even make some for you to see. You guys are all fashionable Kardashian pussies for thinking those uniforms are not great (unless you thought they were great, then cool – we should hang).

#10: NEW YORK GIANTS (6-4; down two from last week) – One thing going for the Giants is the NFC East is a wretched piece of shit this year. The other thing going for them is all you have to do is make it to the playoffs, catch fire, and win another trophy. Thus, everything is set up very nicely for them.

#11: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (6-4; same as last week) – As much as I would always like to make fun of the Seahawks, Marshawn Lynch is the most spirit warrior of all spirit warriors left in football, and he is a Seahawk, so I can’t disparage them. Sometimes I go into beast mode too, but usually only when smoking joints dipped in angel dust. Bath salts ain’t got shit on some old school 1979 PCP. I done some gnarly, bloody shit on dust. Woke up in the woods surrounded by four deer carcasses one time, with no recollection of what happened or how I got there. And that was BEFORE I smoked the angel dust.

#12: TENNESSEE TITANS (4-6; up one from last week) – Sorry bros, but I’m just checking out on this blurb and listening to a “Tennessee Jed” from my first Grateful Dead show I ever went to – RFK Stadium in June of 1990. Split a quarter bag of shrooms three ways, and also took three hits of this very visual yin-yang acid. Some things happened. Also from the tone of these blurbs I guess I should be thankful I’m still alive from all the shit I’ve done. WELL FUCK YOU LIFE, I’M NOT THANKFUL FOR SHIT. And quit telling me what to do.

#13: DALLAS COWBOYS (5-5; up three from last week) – Not sure if you know this but the Cowboys are the worst thing on Earth. Worse than the Israeli government. Worse than airborne ebola. If God was real and he showed up at my house and was like, “Yo Raven, I’ll change any one aspect of life in this Universe you live in, just ask,” without hesitating I’d say, “Can you make the Cowboys lose today, like by some terrible ass fumble or something?” And then I’d be like, “Damn, I should’ve wished for a bigger dick.” And then God would go, “Don’t worry Raven, you’re a big enough dick already,” and we’d do a funny look at each other and then the credits would roll.

#14: ARIZONA CARDINALS (4-6; down two from last week) – Still hoping, as has been written about multiple times at ACLB and in my Football Metaphysics book, that the Cardinals are bought by a Mexican drug lord and relocated to Mexico. American football won’t truly be great until the billionaire criminal element involved is fully acknowledged.

#15: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (6-4; same as last week) – Haha, everybody was like, “Andrew Luck is ushering in a new Colts that’s perhaps just as good as Peyton’s Colts” and then the Patriots were like, “lol, fuck yall.” And now we can accept the fact the Colts are really competitive by AFC South standards, which is similar to be the smartest kid in special ed.

#16: DETROIT LIONS (4-6; down two from last week) – I read that Detroit was going to start stop paying workers or some shit. What a fucking shithole. The Lions would do better to embrace that shithole mentality and become the ‘70s Raiders of 2012, instead of trying to be the new Packers or whatever the fuck they are trying to be that is not working. They are dirtbag players on a dirtbag team with a dirtbag coach in a dirtbag city – until they embrace that, they will never get beyond high mediocrity.

#17: NEW YORK JETS (4-6; up four from last week) – Why do you think Rex Ryan is so yoked up to Mark Sanchez still? You think he has his wife use her feet to masturbate Sanchez while he takes pics? I mean Sanchez is an attractive enough guy, I could see a fat-fuck bi-curious dude like Rex Ryan being into that, at least on an experimental level. Poor Tim Tebow, dragged into the den of the devil, and asked to use the third controller on the Wii.

#18: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (6-4; same as last week) – Purple Jesus is the stupidest fucking nickname ever. Everybody knows that DJ Screw is the real Purple Jesus, and to think some beetle-eyed little bitch named Adrian is Purple Jesus is blasphemy. I bet that motherfucker ain’t even done no codeine while listening to Steel Pulse records slowed down before.

#19: BUFFALO BILLS (4-6; up one from last week) – You know what, Buffalo? Chicken wings are fucking stupid. It’s like two bites of meat on about nine bones you have to gnaw at. Adding some gunky hot sauce just makes an already stupid endeavor even messier.

#20: MIAMI DOLPHINS (4-6; down three from last week) – Dolphins are smart as fuck animals, very likely superior to humans which is why they live in the water as mammals and are like, “fuck land, with them bitch asses.” In fact, I’d say most oceanic mammals are probably the highest form of species on Earth. But I bet when they see that logo with one of them in a helmet, they get pissed, and then do those Mariah Carey singing sounds at each other which is them cussing about how we suck, “we” meaning humans. (If any dolphins are reading this, I am sorry for what my people aka people have done to the Earth. Also, can I ride you? Maybe even two of you with one foot on each and shit?)

#21: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (6-4; up one from last week) – The Buccaneers are a trick so don’t get caught up in thinking they are not a trick. However, as I said last week, they are a fantasy blessing, and will probably by wild card contention be forced to play through week 17 at a for-real rate, so my dork lawyer advice to you is pick up some of them Buccaneer bamas for your fantastical foozballs if you are thinking about playoffs and worried your main dude is going to be going half-speed.

#22: CINCINNATI BENGALS (5-5; up one from last week) – You should just go read my blurb for the Bengals from last week, because I was really proud of it.

#23: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (4-6; up one from last week) – The Redskins are my team, still, though I’ve pulled back, and they play on Thanksgiving Day, which seems massively fucked up from a historical perspective. Yesterday my kids were squealing like excited girls about something, so I did it too as a joke, and said, “REDSKINS! SQUEEEEEEEELLL!” and my wife was laughing so hard she had to leave the house, crying and laughing and holding her ruptured intestines. So I have decided I am going to squeal like a schoolgirl at a Beatles concert when good things happen in football games I watch of the Redskins from now on. This ridiculous action will keep me from getting too seriously tied up emotionally in stupid fucking football games I have no control over whatsoever.

#24: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (5-5; up one from last week) – Haha, the Saints are on a run, yes, but they are not good. They still essentially have a non-existent defense that will get manhandled by actual football teams. The fact the NFL is so chock full of lackluster teams should not mistakenly make you think the Saints clawing back up to .500 somehow means they are a potential playoff threat. They are not. Trust me; my science backs this ranking and that deduction.

#25: ST. LOUIS RAMS (3-6-1; down six from last week) – I feel bad for Sam Bradford, always kinda sucking but not quite obviously enough to be freed from the burden of being a potential franchise QB. He just screams “New York Giants back-up QB” to me, and yet he is still tied by the hopes of St. Louis to that number one overall draft spot. One day, my little Cherokee-eyed simpleton, you’ll be able to stand around on the sidelines working on your Sudoku puzzle like you’d want.

#26: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (4-6; same as last week) – I am not sure how Norv Turner always manages to last well beyond his obvious usefulness as a head coach and it has to get to these horrible, depressing moments where there is no choice but to realize all hope is lost and the team in question has basically wasted perhaps the best four years of its past fifty with this fucker. Still though, as an avid Norvell hater, it is funny to watch. Also I know a girl who slept with Philip Rivers when he was at N.C. State. He apparently has a really little dick and likes to piss on people sexually.

#27: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (3-7; same as last week) – Sadly though, Andy Reid will probably be fired before Norv Turner. That will make no fucking sense, but with the Eagles hitting their lowest point in 20 years probably, and Philly fans being mutant drunkards who need to feast on the psychic blood of their fallen brothers fairly regularly in order to sustain their cynical hearts, Andy Reid’s fat ass is probably going to get run out of town, probably with insensitive comments made about his dead and drug-addled sons in the process. So be it. That is the world we have built for ourselves.

#28: CLEVELAND BROWNS (2-8; up one from last week) – The Browns would be kind of a cool team to pull for, except for the fact Brandon Weeden is about the most white ass looking motherfucker the NFL has had as a QB since the days of Boomer Esiason and Phil Simms being mistaken for each other by most minorities. What is it with the Browns and white ass QBs like Weeden and Chris Simms and Brady Quinn? Like seriously, what the fuck?

#29: OAKLAND RAIDERS (3-7; down one from last week) – Looks like Al Davis died for nothing.

#30: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (1-9; up one from last week) – I have been trying left and right to think of something clever to say about the Jaguars but I can’t think of one. I even drank a little glass of buttermilk to try and conjure up something. Most buttermilk you get at the store is lowfat, which is fucking stupid because the whole point of buttermilk is for it to be full of healthy fats. Also all the buttermilk is sour because it is not like old school buttermilk that you could drink, and is mostly available nowadays for cooking not drinking. Thus my cup of buttermilk was not that great. This makes me think I need to have some dairy cows, although I guess I already have dairy goats that we’ve yet to breed. I mean, I’ve fucked one of them, but she didn’t get pregnant, which is probably for the best because she’s kind of a cracked out goat, always jumping over the fence, and that personality combined with mine, in a goat-human centaur of some sort, would probably be tough for the world to handle.

#31: CAROLINA PANTHERS (2-8; down one from last week) – Somebody tried to tell me the 2-8 Panthers were not as bad as their record suggests. I was like, “Fool, whoever they was playing ain’t as good as you tried to think.” And then I went rim shopping through back issues of Low Rider magazine from 1992. America made much better rims back then. We’ve lost our fuckin’ way, people!

#32: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1-9; same as last week) – The Chiefs are horrible. Beyond horrible. So horrible it is hard to even look at them and say, “Hey, let’s keep this but start over with this instead.” Constant rebuilding they’ve been in for a while now. Fuck it though, that’s the end of this week’s rankings.