Washington Redskins 2011 Wrap-Up: The Offensive Edition

I had talked to my man Will the Thrill thru the electronic mailboxes about how shitty things ended for the Skins, and wanted to do a position by position rundown of looking back and ahead and shit, but just don’t have the heart for it, especially when I need to be working on these fuckin’ short stories for a collection to come out for real not internetted. But hey, I just drank a double dose of Tazo Awake tea, am briefly amped, so let’s run thru this like two crank aficionados who hadn’t seen each other since community college ten years ago (doing offense this time)…

QUARTERBACKING: Came into the year with the Cannon of Sex and Mormon MacGruber and the world was all “lololol” at us. Internally, we wondered what the fuck was up with the Shanahans, but drank the Kool-Aid on Grossman, if for no other reason than we had no choice. He sucked, so they put in Beck, because we were like, “maybe that dude actually is good, even though he’s never seemed like it.” He wasn’t, so back came Grossman who we begrudgingly loved briefly, all the way through the 15th week of the season when some people were actually like, “Yo, we could’ve had a shot to make the playoffs if Grossman had played those weeks when stupid Beck played.” But then Rex did what Rex does and sucked it up enough against the Vikings and Eagles to close out the season with a healthy splash of Redskinreality. Talk was heavy of Robert Griffin III coming, but with that Leinart/Sanchez 3.0 dude saying he was staying in college to have threesomes with Polynesian chicks, that means Griffin will probably be gone before we pick 6th. Talk was Skins would trade up potentially, maybe even for Andrew Luck (so as to turn him into Ryan Leaf I guess), but then Matt Flynn had one good game in a somewhat who gives a fuck game, so now the Redskins will probably trade 17 draft picks in a sign-and-trade for him. What they should do is keep Grossman, draft either Griffin or Luck (whichever falls to second QB, meaning hopefully Griffin) even if it means trading up, and let Grossman run this thing next year as well until he is so godawful (again) that he has to be replaced by the rookie. I mean fuck it, it’s not like they’ll actually be good next year either, so we should just be looking for improvement. Right?

RUNNING BACKS: Tim Hightower was brought in and was okay I guess, but a really nice dude who doesn’t scare white people. Roy Helu and Evan Royster the rookie dudes both looked very good, which gives hope that maybe Shanahan’s not a complete retard at his advanced age. “Rugged” Ryan Torain became expendable. And the Darrell Young dude really started to shine in a FB role. They will probably stay pat with this ensemble, fleshing it out with some other draft pick next year. Personally, I’m not entirely sold on Hightower (outside of him being super nice, so my apologies to you if you read this bro, even though I went to VCU so fuck U of R), but whatever man. Let this thing we have ride next year, fill it out with some other shit. I would throw a couple of other rookies into the rotation though because I don’t trust none of this. I want to love Roy Helu and dream he could be the Polynesian John Riggins, but I also fear he could be next year’s Ryan Torain.

WIDE RECEIVER TYPE DUDES: Man, don’t even know what to say. We had the most hodgepodge collection of a Madden game fantasy draft where you forgot to draft WRs until the 6th round ever. I’ve had enough of Santana Moss and would not feel sad if he went away forever. I mean he’s been serviceable, and we will always have him and Mark Brunell against the Cowboys on MNF. But I’d like to hope we turn into an actual good football team again and we can fondly look back on guys like Moss and Clinton Portis as dudes who entertained us during the suck years. Jabar Gaffney was good I guess, but it’s not like he’s breaking open shit any time soon. Second-tier retreads are not what championship teams are made of. I had hoped more from the rookie trio of Leonard Hankerson and Niles Paul and Aldrick Robinson, and Hankerson and Paul showed some promise. But you know what? Counting on them to develop next year would be as stupid as counting on Malcolm Kelly and Devin Thomas to develop in their second year, except Kelly/Thomas were 2nd round hypejobs while Hankerson/Paul were later round “bargains”, thus it would be even stupider. In other words, get me a fucking WR, please. I guess there’s that fast dude with the Steelers who everybody wants to throw money at, so I would imagine that’s right up Snyder’s anushole. But dude, remember Randle El? C’mon.

TIGHT ENDS: At one point, this was considered a strong spot, where people were like, “Let’s trade Chris Cooley because Fred Davis is so awesome!” Then Chris Cooley’s knee proved to be as limp as his penis in that famous picture, and Fred Davis proved to be stupid as fuck in getting busted for weed smoking after already getting busted for weed smoking, meaning next time he’s gone for a whole year. Considering I think the dude’s only been here for three, and has already been popped that many times, and every NFL player ever gets high like crazy but only the stupid ones get busted, it seems highly unlikely he does not fuck up again. Logan Paulsen was awesome as the longhaired potential viking warrior as the third TE, but once he actually had to play, not so awesome. Some dude are born roster fillers and look great with bad tattoos and long hair on the sidelines. That is Logan Paulsen. He should learn long-snapping. Most likely the Skins will piss me off with whatever they do with Cooley, because I’ll be sad if he goes and bummed if he stays. In all honesty, he is the one dude I feel an obligation to as a fan, and though he wants to stay here in DC, he really deserves to have that second run in a city of his choice to give his career some spectrum. I’d suggest Denver, because he’d fit in great with his do-anything mentality, and it would be close to his Utah home. As for Fred Davis, I imagine the Skins will sign him to a new-deal and he will never do anything near as good as this year ever again, basically becoming our offensive Rocky McIntosh. But they will think whatever they do is perfect, and be like, “We have Fred Davis who is about to breakout as one of the great TEs in the league like Jimmy Graham or those Patriot dudes except for the fact Davis has been playing longer than all of them and yet to develop into anything near as awesome. And Logan Paulsen got some quality experience last year when everybody else was crippled or drug suspended. So we feel really deep at tight end.”

OFFENSIVE LINEMEN: Oh man, Trent Williams was a #4 overall pick, and got hisself suspended as well for weed. Next time and he’s gone for a full year, which is odd because dude has only been in the NFL for two years, and been injured for part of that. Basically what I am saying is fuck him. Give him next year to either get it or get the fuck out. Seriously. Fuck patience for unfulfilled potential because one thing that’s become painfully clear in the last decade is nobody reaches their full potential – ever – in Washington. They are going to play below their potential somehow if they are known, and perhaps a little over it if they are unknown, which leads to a consistent mediocrity. Actually you know what? Fuck Trent Williams. I’d trade that dude for like a 5th round draft pick to like the Cardinals or some shit, just to send a message to everybody else that you do not give a fuck anymore and you will only bring in players who are insanely dedicated to whatever it is Mike Shanahan thinks football is in 2012. Also, Jammal Brown sucks. I know he’s started a bunch of games and is a veteran presence, but that dude sucks, and few guys on this team have caused me to attempt to break things in my house like he has this season, far more than a guy not from a prominent face time position on TV should be causing. As for the no-name later round dudes who finished out the season, they were respectable. Nothing I’d build around or count on for the future, but a good foundation. If one of the top two draft picks we have next year, and the year after that, as well as the one after that, is not spent on an O-Lineman, then we have learned nothing. Get two good dudes to flesh out the no-names, who usually develop into good dudes as well when surrounded by a lynchpin like that, and we might be better than many think. The real problem is Williams though, as he is supposed to be that lynchpin but has not shown the ability to be that, but we are financially and psychically committed to him for the time being. Which again points toward next year being a hold pattern year to see what happens.

COORDINATOR: Kyle Shanahan is not so good at coordinating an offense, and not even a third as good as he thinks he is. He is a young dude who feels his system can be implemented anyhow, and yet he has no real tangible proof to back this up. But he is also the head coach’s son. Hopefully Redskins highest-ups will feel out making Daddy Shanahan fire his son, but if ol’ Mike doesn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t push the issue. You really have to give Daddy Shanahan next year to sink or swim, either show notable improvement or hit the road you old fucking anus-mouthed Jon Benet Ramsey ritualistic child sex murder accomplice. So I wouldn’t push the issue of firing Kyle. But if you can get away with it, I’d get away with it, and try to bring somebody else in with at least a fucking ounce of humility.

OFFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR: I don’t know, I guess Roy Helu, for lack of anyone else I feel comfortable picking. And even that I don’t wanna pick. Or fuck it, let’s just say Will Montgomery, starting C who bounced around the line but was the one solid dude there. Yeah, I choo-choo-choose him. The Center. That’s a sign of a powerful offense, isn’t it?

Redskins 3-5 Positives/Negatives Metasciences Week 9 Recap

(what a sad little anus mouth)

[Each and almost every painful week, I will metaphysically testify upon the positive and negative influences on my beloved Washington Redskins team, who I've known since childhood and always felt in my heart, as seen in their on-field (via televisions) performance. As the year goes on, we shall have a metascientifical tabulation of who is the most valuable or biggest detriment to the future of this franchise, because I am a scientist. Or I will do the Sunday paper's samuria sudoku.]
Mega-sigh. What a frustrating game, and I couldn't even get excited for anything, ever, even though I had somehow naively convinced myself the Skins were going to win this game. Then San Francisco got a field goal and I realized that with this offense that was an unsurmountable lead. Three fucking points. Turned out to be true too, other than a trash TD at the end of the game when the defense was coasting back to their charter flight home. Terribly painful game. But to their credit, the defense played pretty damn good, knowing full well that they'd get no support whatsoever. San Francisco is allegedly a pretty decent team, and they had to struggle for everything they got today. Maybe if the defense can start scoring about 21 points a game, we might turn this thing around...
THIRD DEGREE POSITIVE: OLB RYAN KERRIGAN - Kerrigan crushing Alex Smith in the 1st quarter briefly had me believing our destiny was to destroy the 49ers today. Kerrigan has been really really good his rookie year - better than Orakpo, though I'm sure the fact Kerrigan already has Orakpo on the opposite side while Orakpo did not have a matching bookend. Still though, I am hopeful this team gets better before Ryan Kerrigan's career is wasted or polluted by the Redskins philosophy of "We're better than this."
SECOND DEGREE POSITIVE: P SAV ROCCA - Rocca was a pretty good free agent signing. Seriously, he's been really good, but I guess he gets a lot of game day reps in, so it's to be expected.
FIRST DEGREE POSITIVE: K GRAHAM GANO - Longest field goal in Redskins history, breaking the previous record by Steve Cox. I remember Cox because he was the long distance specialist back in the day, and had had a brain tumor removed or something, so my dad's drunken friends and him called Steve Cox "Brain Waves" because he, according to their Jim Beam-fueled ravings, willed the ball further than other kickers. Man, if I had a bunch of drunken friends to hang out with to watch this shitty team with, it might be more tolerable. One of my dad's crew had a Speedy Gonzales forearm tattoo, homemade, that took up most all of his forearm. Good people man, good people.
STAY MEDIUM DEGREE: LB LONDON FLETCHER - The fact the defense hung so tough was pretty amazing, and you know Fletcher is behind that. He was behind last week yelling at Laron Landry's overrated over-rippled ass for blowing a coverage. And you know London was behind probably secretly telling the defense, "Hey, we're not going to get shit from the offense, probably for the rest of the year, but that doesn't mean we can't punch these fuckers in the face and hold down our end of the deal." I feel sad for London having to sift through all this bullshit over the years.
FIRST DEGREE NEGATIVE: WR LEONARD HANKERSON - Good showing at times today, and probably would've been even better had John Beck been able to see further than 7 yards down the field. I actually felt pretty positive about Hankerson, except it just isn't possible to have that many degrees of positive for this team. I think I was being pretty generous with three of them.
SECOND DEGREE NEGATIVE: S REED DOUGHTY - One thing I'll say for Reed Doughty - he's consistent. You know when you see #37 on the field, there's going to be some shitty moments on defense, and you'll probably see Reed about four yards behind or seven inches underneath somebody on a long TD play. That happened today.
THIRD DEGREE NEGATIVE: RB ROY HELU - Helu wasn't terrible by any means, but the fumble really sucked to choke out any hope at the end of the first half. And it sucks that he broke an Art Monk single-game receiving record by being the recipient of every dump down pass John Beck could possibly throw him. I like Helu, and would be content with them just sticking with him this season, to get the experience and see what he can shake out to be for real.
FOURTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: HEAD COACH MIKE SHANAHAN - He has supposed to be having masterminded something, but the plan seems faulty. And in the post-game press conference, he said he was sticking with John Beck, which seems highly questionable at best. All I can think is Shanahan somehow thinks the AFC South is weaker than expected, and the Colts will still win a few games. Because other than that, I see no reason to continue thinking John Beck will do anything other than suck.
FIFTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: T TRENT WILLIAMS - To Shanahan's credit, he pulled Williams off the field after that stupid personal foul, which was a smart move on Shanny's part, as Trent Williams has shown how boneheaded he plays. I question that dude's grey matter. He's a great athlete, and physically impressive as fuck, but man, we're a year and a half into his pro career and he actually seems stupider now than he was in his first game, like confidence has allowed his ignorance to blossom openly. I'm starting to lean towards this guy looking like another top ten draft bust for the Redskins, which I guess is as consistent as Reed Doughty has been. In fact, I'm not even sure why I expect anything different at this point.
SIXTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: CD DEANGELO HALL - I can't even begin to tell you how much I loathe DeAngelo Hall - and I actually gave him credit when he came here, and wanted to like him, being a Virginia boy and all. He just sucks. He will get beat long, and he'll play the softest of coverage off the line. There was a two play series where Alex Smith just flung quick outs to his WR lined up against Hall and got 8 yards a play both times because, yeah, DeAngelo Hall doesn't play them tight.
SEVENTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: OC KYLE SHANAHAN - I don't care how many injuries there've been, an NFL offense should be able to look at least competent. Shit man, you tinker the recipe to work with what you have if all else fails and at least figure out how to look like you should be there. The Skins offense does not look like that at all, and hasn't for a few weeks now. This leads me to believe Kyle Shanahan sucks, probably even more than we realize as disgruntled Redskins fans.
EIGHTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: QB JOHN BECK - There has been a long, comedic procession of starting QBs since 1994 for the Redskins franchise. And yet somehow John Beck seems like the worst one ever. He has all the lack of pocket presence of Patrick Ramsey combined with the gimp arm of late era Mark Brunell combined with the uncanny ability to hit people at their feet like Donovan McNabb. John Beck is like a hybrid of all the worst qualities of all our ineffective QBs, all wrapped up into one ugly assed Mormon dude who refuses to acknowledge reality. I am very much in favor of Rex Grossman coming back because even if he loses us half our games with stupid turnovers, he will probably, you know, throw a TD pass somewhere along the way. John Beck has helped us realize perhaps the most impotent NFL offense I've ever seen in all my life of watching football. At least the Sex Cannon throws interceptions. Beck just dumps it off for a three yard gain or makes a mad scramble for a two yard gain on every play - complete impotency. It is painful. And he gets to go back to Miami next week to face the team that first saw what a piece of shit he is as a QB in a football game that will basically be a reverse jockey for Matt Barkley draft position. Maybe that's Shanahan's plan - to let Beck stay on until he embarrasses himself in Miami, and then fire him on the sidelines during the 3rd quarter to send in the Sex Cannon in a weak attempt to emotionally squeeze something out of this ineffective and ugly offense. Maybe next week will see John Beck in an emotional heap on the sidelines, being escorted off by security personnel as he not only loses his starting job but his job, and they don't even let him board the flight home to D.C. I would not be upset by that.

ACCUMULATED INFLUENCES UPON THIS FRANCHISE 2011, BEST TO WORST: MLB London Fletcher (+21), OLB Ryan Kerrigan (+17), TE Fred Davis (+15), OLB Brian Orakpo (+13), NT Chris Neild (+8), WR Santana Moss (+7), P Sav Rocca (+6), RB Ryan Torain (+6), TE Chris Cooley (+5), S Laron Landry (+5), LB Rocky McIntosh (+5), DC Jim Haslet (+3), TE Logan Paulsen (+3), RB Roy Helu (+2), WR Anthony Armstrong (+2), CB Josh Wilson (+1), K Graham Gano (+1), DE Adam Carriker (+1), RB Tim Hightower (even), color commentator Sam Huff (-1), KR/PR Brandon Banks (-1), WR Leonard Hankerson (-2), QB Rex Grossman (-6), S Reed Doughty (-8), T Trent Williams (-9), fan Raven Mack (-10), QB John Beck (-12), HC Mike Shanahan (-16), T Jammal Brown (-18), CB DeAngelo Hall (-25), OC Kyle Shanahan (-28), and owner Dan Snyder (-34).

Answering the Important Skins Memes Going Into Redskins/49ers

Redskins nation is in turmoil after that embarrassing shutout last weekend to the Bills, although we have an even tougher task ahead this weekend against the 49ers coming into Jack Kent Cooke Stadium and potentially rubbing salt into our wounds. But let's address a few football memes that have jumped up this past week...

THE REDSKINS SHOULD FIRE MIKE SHANAHAN
This is ridiculous pure-internet I WILL MAKE CONTENTIOUS STATEMENTS type nonsense. Absolutely not should Mike Shanahan be fired right now... and I don't even like the guy. I think his son is a huge liability at offensive coordinator, but I don't even think that dude should be fired. What good does it do to fire anybody mid-season? It's not like the Redskins roster is stocked with talent and can be whipped into shape with a new interim coach in preparation for next year. At this point, you have to ride out the season with what you brought, and if the offense doesn't start to at least look like a professional offense, you fire Kyle Shanahan. If Papa Mike doesn't want to do that, then you have to consider firing the batch of them. Personally, if they are a package deal, I say you fire them both at the end of the year if things don't start looking at least more competent, because Mike Shanahan's done nothing to earn the respect to hold the franchise hostage in keeping his son as play-calling dumbass extraordinaire. But fire them now? Ridiculous bullshit thinking.

REX GROSSMAN SHOULD BE THE REDSKINS STARTING QB AGAIN
This one, I say give John Beck one more week, or even one more half. I know he's behind a shitty O-line and getting sacked like crazy. But when he's not getting sacked, he has not looked like an NFL-caliber QB. So fuck him. I know Rex Grossman has Gunslinger Eyes and is apt to throw four INTs all at once. But he's also apt to actually be able to throw a long pass, so fuck it, ride him out the rest of the season. At least it will be a game, and we won't be so impotent. That's one thing you could never say about the Cannon of Sex - he is not impotent as a QB; he's going to get the ball into somebody's hands, regardless of jersey color. So if Beck still looks like he's just trying to not die at QB, bench him and bring back the Sex Cannon. Nothing great will come of it in the long run, but it's better than the slow death that seems to be John Beck as QB.

THE 49ERS WILL ABSOLUTELY CRUSH THE REDSKINS THIS WEEKEND
At first, I was letting myself indulge a weird feeling the Skins defense would bounce back and create some problems for Alex Smith, and try to make him look like Alex Smith, and keep this one close. But then I remembered we haven't been able to stop a RB if the other team decides to run in quite some time. Not just this year, but for the past couple years, this has been the case. The defense starts the year looking like it's shaping up into something good, then teams study film and see you can just rush right through the Redskins, so they start doing that, which opens everything else up, and combined with a perpetually ineffective offense, the Skins defense eventually loses it's ability to fight, and becomes the punk of opposing RBs. Frank Gore is pretty fucking good. I would expect him to tally some big yards this weekend, which is nice for us, because a running game is a much slower bleed than a passing game, meaning no matter how much they do end up dominating us, it's not like 62-7. It's more like last weekend's game against the Bills. Just at home.

CARLOS ROGERS WILL AVENGE HIS TIME HERE IN DC
No. Carlos Rogers problem in Washington was he was too much in his head, even saying as much in an interview this week, about how it's fun to play football again in San Francisco. He will be back in his head this weekend, thinking about it all, wanting a big pick-6 to rub it in Shanahan's face. I expect he'll have a couple of nice near INTs that fall off his hands, like he used to do. But god bless Carlos Rogers for going elsewhere and finding happiness. I am considering the same thing the more I watch this team.

THE REDSKINS MIGHT COULD POSSIBLY GET ANDREW LUCK WITH SOME WHEELING AND DEALING LIKE THEY ARE KNOWN FOR BUT THIS TIME IT WOULD FINALLY MAKE SENSE
Except this time, no one would deal with them. One of the keys in Redskins previous wheeling and dealings is the fact the other party usually was fleecing the Redskins. When it comes to Andrew Luck, nobody is going to be fleecing them, thus the market is pretty low for a trade, even if the Redskins threw four Number One draft picks at whoever had the top pick (a completely ridiculous idea I read somewhere yesterday... maybe Homer McFanboy, which would ultimately just end up in Andrew Luck being paralysed with fear after two seasons, or perhaps literally paralyzed). The Colts or the Dolphins are going to back into this thing (and challenge the Lions 0-16 mark in the process) and both of them would be more than happy to have their next Peyton Manning or Dan Marino.
On top of this, Andrew Luck is such a high profile pick that he's going to want to go somewhere that fits his long-term success, because the dude ain't stupid. Even if the Redskins did somehow finagle drafting him, I doubt he'd play for us. I mean if you are looking for stability and solid management, this franchise is not even in the top-half of the list. If you're only about a paycheck, Dan Snyder's name probably comes up fairly quickly, as a good money mark, but as far as actually being part of a competitive team that can challenge for the playoffs, I don't think we've signed a free agent with that legitimately in his mind since the 20th century. Seriously. No one in their right mind who wants to be part of a good team or successful franchise would come to this team at this point, which is what makes the rebuilding process all the more difficult. We're not rebuilding into a powerhouse dynasty from a competitive team; we're trying to rebuild a credible team out of a joke, in order to get good free agents who driven by competitive nature not wanting a new speed boat.

THE REDSKINS MAY NOT WIN ANOTHER GAME ALL YEAR LONG
Nah. They're the Redskins, who always do what they're not supposed to. They either think they're better than they actually are and lose games, or once everybody is all, "Hahahaha the Redskins think they're an NFL team still," they lean on the defense and steal an ugly win here or there. That's what they'll do. They've got two more wins in them this season, though I wouldn't expect it to be against the Dolphins like people are expecting (see Andrew Luck part above). But the Skins will snatch a couple of wins, probably just enough to move themselves out of position for drafting Matt Barkley, and continue to be an enigma on my soul for many years to come.

RAVEN WILL EVENTUALLY JUST QUIT DOING THE METASCIENCES, LIKE HE DOES EVERY YEAR WHEN IT GETS TOO UGLY
You may be right, bro, you may be right. We have the end of youth soccer season this coming weekend and the big picnic/trophy thing is on Sunday afternoon, right at the end of the 49ers/Redskins game. I mean, I could sit in my family minivan cursing loudly and smashing at the steering wheel while listening to Sonny, Sam, and The Other Guy call the painful ending, but most likely I'll mail in my metasciences from the blowout I see before going to the soccer awards. And each week, the call of dumpster diving for my pigs or reglazing windows before winter or just going hiking naked to masturbate by the creek in the peaceful confines of the Virginia woodlands in autumn, I'm going to find it harder and harder to care. But I'll stick with it, half-heartedly, watching every miserable game until the bitter end of this bitter season to start another bitter decade of this bullshit. Because I am a Redskins fan, which sucks, but I can't shake it. It's like herpes at this point - I couldn't get rid of it if I tried. So I'll just try to give it to everybody else I can.

Chris Cooley, Heads on Pikes, and Being a Redskin Fan at this Point

So after an embarrassing three week run into rampant regression, of course an already vitriolic Redskin fanbase is clamoring for heads on pikes - the heads of Kyle Shanahan or maybe Jim Haslet or maybe DeAngelo Hall or Danny Smith or Brandon Banks or really anybody, to show that our concerns are being heard. And, of course, Redskins team players are trotting out the company line that I predicted in the metasciences recap on Monday, that we have to hold course and allow Mike Shanahan the Great Mind of Football continue to build his team according to his vision. Chris Cooley - the ultimate fan favorite - was on the sports radios today saying such a thing, pointing out how the fans raise a ruckus about what a dumbass Dan Snyder is for always changing the players and switching coaches, and then they turn around after a bad week against Buffalo and demand he do exactly that. And when it's laid out in such a simple way, yes, we fans do look hypocritical as fuck.
But you know what? Cooley's speaking out of turn, and dare I say this, may very well be part of the problem. And let me say up front, I love Cooley, wish he had had more support over the years, wish we had drafted even three more guys as good a guy and as good a player as he has been, who will do whatever's asked of him (this is the dude who was happily playing fullback earlier this year with a swolled up gimp knee). I wish every draft had one Cooley in it. And if every draft had had one Cooley in it, maybe we wouldn't be where we are today, where we are clamoring for heads on pikes. But only one draft has had a Cooley in it, and that was eight years ago, and there's a lot of dead weight on this roster. And unfortunately, do to the circumstances of both the NFL as well as his straight ahead playing style, Chris Cooley is not the roster heavyweight he once was.
[Actually, allow me a personal aside not related to vitriol towards the Redskins for a minute... I wish there could be some sort of collective bargaining loophole for fan favorites, meaning guys who have been on the same team's roster for over five years or even seven years or more, to where a certain percentage of their salary did not count against the cap, so that teams could keep a guy like a Chris Cooley, even when his on-field value may not match his salary cap value, so that all those jerseys us fans buy don't become obsolete so fast, and we can have a couple guys per team who actually play out their career in the same city, and become faces of the franchise. Remember those types? Guys who hang out afterwards and do radio and have local call-in shows, and can express opinions about the Redskins that come from an adult lifetime in the trenches? I'd like Chris Cooley to be that guy, because I couldn't think of a better dude to be that type of guy. But the business of the NFL doesn't allow for that type of sentimentality anymore. That's sad, because - like Cooley pointed out - I'm expected as a fan to be sentimental towards my team regardless of how shitty a business it ends up being. Doesn't seem fair on my end.]
But his point is, fans should remain patient, like they've begged Snyder to do for years, and let Mike Shanahan's grand vision come together. Except there's two problems with this... The first is, after two offseasons of rebuilding this roster, it's hard to see where holes in the foundation have been shored up, or point to some grand successes. Even this past spring's draft, which was exciting because the team actually used their draft picks on kids coming out of college instead of trading them all off to some other team for a magic football card from 1999, has kind of lost it's luster as the season has wore on. If Jarvis Jenkins had not gone down for the year, we might look at it differently, but really, beyond the #1 pick of Ryan Kerrigan - who should be good as a #1 pick - I'm not sure I'm feeling the same excitement I did at first. Guys like Roy Helu and Leonard Hankerson who had me geeked up have not delivered like you'd hope rookie sensations to deliver. But sure, give them time. But at the same time, it's that whole "give them time" mantra that probably reminds a lot of fans of Vinny Cerrato's wonderful draft of Devin Thomas, Malcolm Kelly, and Fred Davis. We've given that one plenty of time, and you know what we got for it? A pretty decent TE. Usually, most well run teams don't have to spend three 2nd round picks, let them incubate for three years to develop a pretty decent TE.
The second problem with the whole wait for it to develop mantra is Kyle Shanahan. He is very clearly not so great at coordinating an offense. That cannot be denied. In any normal circumstance, a guy in his position would be catching holy hell right about now, for mastering a shitty offense two years in a row, and for laying a fucking 0 on the scoreboard, against a good by hardly elite Buffalo Bills team. But Kyle Shanahan is the coach's son, and it's hard to tell if the father can release the son. It's also hard not to assume, as a Redskin fan, that they are a package deal, which is probably a big part of why so many people are saying, "Fuck the Shanahans" right about now. Because if there is no change in what we've been seeing, and it continues to get worse, like it has been trending recently, Kyle Shanahan does not deserve to keep his job.
Now does that mean we fire him this weekend? Of course not. Give the dude the rest of the season, see how he adjusts to injuries, to lack of depth on the talent he's had a hand in building for like a year and a half, and see what happens. I'm not saying I expect the Redskins to be throwing 49 on the Patriots by the end of the year (though that would be tight), but give me some fucking signs of life. Show me some improvement, somewhere. That's all I'm asking.
And I'll give Chris Cooley this with his defense of the team - fans are fucking stupid. I do not go to Redskins message boards, though I have dipped my eyeballs into them recently in the false hopes of bringing more attention to Armchair Linebacker. But football fans when immersed in their own converted choirs, can be a cesspool devoid of logic and intelligence. Something about the closed confines of the interwebs causes that blow up exponentially. So I keep my Redskins fandom crazy thoughts to email with three or four real life friends, and we talk each other down or up or sideways and often times back and forth. We keep each grounded, and inevitably our conversations will end with something comedic about Dexter Manley or John Riggins to make us feel better about what we are seeing now. And at least we have an era of Super Bowls with John Riggins and Dexter Manley to keep us at bay.
Chris Cooley has not played with a Dexter Manley or John Riggins in his time. He's played with Mark Brunells and Albert Haynesworths and Reed Doughtys and Donovan McNabbs and Adam Archuletas and so on and so forth. No real continuity has been built, on either side of the ball, for a long long time. We as fans understand the need for this, and that's why we've been bitching about it for so long. But we also haven't seen much to give us the ability to build faith in this franchise that it's doing the right thing, to give credit where we're automatically like, "Hey, we looked like shit against the Bills, but you know what? That's probably an aberration, because overall our roster is getting thicker and stronger and faster and better, and we've been really competitive and looked sharp at times in all our other games, so let's just chill out. We know this isn't a playoff year, so we'll see what Herr Shanahan has for us next year." Nothing that's come out of Ashburn since like 1997 has really allowed us to have faith good things are fermenting.
And honestly, when this season started, I was saying, "Hey, this is year two and it takes three years to rebuild, so this year means nothing. Wait until next year." I was saying that even when this team was 3-1 and retarded ass Redskins fans were like, "PLAYOFFS!" using the very illogic and delusions that Chris Cooley is speaking of. I didn't hear him on the radio then being like, "Yo yo yo, we should chill out on the playoff talk, because you know what, we're still building a team here. If we make the playoffs, great, but really we're a year away." He wasn't beating that drum three weeks ago.
But the fact of the matter is, even in a rebuilding process, there should be noticeable improvement in the second year. Things should start trending upwards, even if it doesn't result in victories. Offenses should look competent and NFL-ready. Defenses should be able to sometimes stop dudes from plowing through them for 150 yards. Special teams should not be getting field goals blocked every other game. I mean, maybe that's just me and Chris Cooley is right and this is some tricky master plan by Mike Shanahan to have the team look absolutely terrible before he unveils some cyborg clones he bred in a laboratory from Mark Schlereth's sweat and we'll chop block our way to a Super Bowl next year. But I somehow doubt it.
So to you Chris Cooley, I say I love you bro. You are my favorite player of the past decade, and the only good homegrown player we've had other than Sean Taylor since I've been an adult (and I'm 38). But you cash checks from Dan Snyder, so I expect you to protect the team. Thing is, Dan Snyder collects cash from fans, and we've gotten kind of fed up with this shit. And sure it seems contradictory we'd be like, "Stop firing people you dumbass!" and then turn around and go "Fire these people you dumbass!" But the key here is the dude is a dumbass, and he's shown that time and time again, and it's hard to trust he's going to do the right thing. Ever. Mike Shanahan might hire his fucking daughter to be the defensive coordinator next year for all I know.
And to you fellow Redskins fans, who are calling for heads on pikes, check it out: we are already into this shit storm of a season. It was gonna be ugly, but it got pretty early, which was a false pretty, and now it's uglier than it probably should be, but we're not even halfway through the season. Let the anus mouth head coaching genius and his dimwit son have the rest of the year to show their competence. If the dimwit is as dimwitted and over-his-head as he seems to be thus far, he should go, regardless of bloodlines to the head coach. And if the head coach can't do that, then I guess they're holding us hostage. I feel bad for Jim Haslet most of all because this is getting set up now for him to take the fall. Even Shanahan the Elder spending extra time with the defense after the Carolina loss, only to have the offense score a whopping ZERO points the following week - it is suggesting there are problems on defense that are overwhelming the offense. I don't see it that way. Sure, the defense ain't great, but the offense has done nothing. But I'm talking in a circle again.
Just stop sucking. I don't care if you win, but at least let me think you have the ability to win. I don't care if you make the playoffs, but at least show me you're trying hard and you can actually compete to do so. We've started strong many seasons the past decade, only to succumb to Failure Demons over and over, who come calling in late October/early November and render January irrelevant in the greater D.C. area in regards to football. It has happened too many times to trust that the crappy performances we are seeing in all facets of the game right now is somehow building towards changing that. So we demand a head on a pike, because that's really all we can do as fans. We can drunkenly boo at games and bitch on the internet. We don't own the team, we don't make the choices in personnel, and we don't lose the games. We just have to live with it, without complaint I guess, and suffer our hopelessly frustrating fate in silence, in order to show support to the team.
And sure enough, some hack is already recounting what Cooley said on ESPN blogs and saying it's the gospel truth and that fans are stupid. You know who else is stupid? Hacks who write shitty blogs at ESPN. People who blindly support something that has not given them reason to have blind faith for well over a decade. And players whose jersey is peppered throughout a disgruntled fanbase telling that fanbase to stop bitching. Cooley, dude, wake up bro. You're a Redskins fan too it seems like. This shit is embarrassing man. It's ugly and embarrassing and it's been going on for a long time. We may not know how to fix it, and yeah, maybe being patient might help. Maybe not being patient might help. Maybe blowing the whole thing up and starting over might help. Maybe Dan Snyder giving the team to a homeless guy in a wacky Trading Places remake might help. But something's got to change. I don't know what exactly should change, but something's broke, and all the fixing that's been tried publicly hasn't worked, so sure, we are angry and want to smash it. Sometimes that works too. I guess. I don't know. I don't care.
And that's the end result... we won't care. Don't fire anybody. Fire all sorts of anybodies. Get Andrew Luck. Sign the ghost of Red Grange. Do whatever you want to do O' Supreme Overlords of Redskins Things, whether you be Michael J. Shanahan or Daniel J. Snyder. But until it looks like somebody actually knows the deal, for more than like three weeks in a row, we are going to be dissatisfied. And nobody's given us anything in 20 years to not be dissatisfied about. So if you want to shut us up, win. Win consistently and win convincingly, not in peeter-patters of last minute field goal backwards triumphs, or occasional flares of three quarter greatness that is good enough to hold off those fourth quarter blahs. Win some goddamn games, and we'll shut up about heads on pikes and getting something new started. Because the good times have gotten so far into the olden times that I can't even remember why I root for you fuckers anymore.
But hey, the wife and kids are happy, because we'll probably spend a lot of Sundays going hiking in the mountains in the coming weeks. And I'll get in the minivan and cut on the AM radio, and it'll be Sam Huff talking about how the defense looks lost, and Sonny will correct Sam on something and then pretend that Mike Shanahan knows what he's doing still (Sonny Jurgensen has become a huge homer for Dan Snyder, and not so much for the Redskins anymore), and then the other guy will go, "Timeout on the field... 49ers 31 Redskins 3" and my family will laugh at me, and my kids will mockingly go, "It's okay Daddy, they can't be bad forever," even though my oldest kid is almost 13 and they have been bad her entire life, and I'll cut the game off and drive home, knowing football - in the form of the Redskins - has no love for me anymore. And therefore I have no love for football - in the form of the Redskins - anymore.