A Disappointing Blowout

The title refers to my general feelings about this game and the mixed feelings that came out of the game. We allowed the Rams to drive down the field and Lance Kendricks to get a 40+ yard reception because Morgan Burnett couldn't wrap up due to a club on his hand from an injury in practice this week. Luckily Josh Brown missed a FG and in respond we drove down the field to get a Crosby FG to make it 3-0. We were then off to the races with a short field to start that led to a 37 yard James Jones TD. On the next drive we started on our own 7 yard line, but Jordy Nelson abused a former Packers cornerback Al Harris for a 93 yard TD. We added a Donald Driver TD and the Rams kicked a FG before the Half to make it 24-3. I felt great about the 1st half, but sadly the 2nd Half started and it flat out sucked. Our defense looked really good like I hoped they would however their play was overshadowed by AJ Hawk's gesture (That you see above). As you see he gave the finger to his own sideline because it was a running joke amongst the Packers about how long it had been since his last Solo sack. I liked the gesture and that our defense is finally starting to play like I thought they would at the beginning of the season. As for our offense in the 2nd Half they looked off, lacked focus and seem to just want the game to be over with. I think we got 1 first down the whole 2nd half and it was the one that let us assume victory formation at the end of the game. Hopefully we get that ironed out this week in practice with a divisional rivalry coming up this week.

Let's see how I did for my 6 factors for the game:
1. Steven Jackson: he had a great game but didn't get 42 carries. When it was time that we had to stop him we did and didn't let them convert 3rd and 4th downs.
2. Power Sweep: We almost ran for 100 yards total but didn't look great running the ball.
3. Rams O-line: We got to Bradford at will but he did get the ball off most of the time he did pay the price for standing in the pocket. Bradford suffered a high sprain ankle during the game and Clay Matthews Jr. got his 2nd sack of the season to end the game.
4. Focus: We only had 1 turnover that was off a WR's hands, so we did a really good job in the department when in comes to turnovers and the hankies coming out. However our offense seemed to lose focus in the 2nd half which I did not expect going into the game.
5. Rams secondary: We lit the Rams' secondary up like Nelson Cruz did to the Tigers' pitching in the ALCS in this game. Rodgers almost had 300 yards in the 1st half.
6. Wimpie: It was a Wimpie I just think we should have won by a lot more.

Those are my thoughts on this game and I will be back later this week for my preview of the Packers visiting the Minnesota Vikings. Now off to play Arkham City

1929 ACME Packers

That photo is a whole lot better the 1929 ACME Packers throwback uniforms we will wearing this week. We wore them last year against the 49ers, so if you don't remember them look up the Donald Driver play from last year when he broke like 6 tackles and you will remember them. Sam Bradford will have his work cut out for him this week going up against Dom Capers with his depleted receiving corps. Steven Jackson will play and he will butt heads with a Top 3 defense against the run. BJ Raji last week looked like he did during our playoff run last year. Aaron Rodgers is again the top projected Quarterback in Fantasy football this week. He should be able to carve up a secondary which is missing 3 our of it's 4 top cornerbacks. Steve Spagnuolo will have his defense fired up this week with 2 weeks to prepare coming off a bye week, but outside of Chris Long he doesn't have the horses to pull off the upset. Outside of Clifton's injury the Packers will have everyone available in this game.

Here are the six factors to keep an eye on while watching this game.
1. Steven Jackson: On NFL Live today stink said for the Rams to win Jackson will need 42 carries. If he runs that well it eats the clock and keep Aaron Rodgers off the field. That said Dom Capers knows this and with the Rams having no real threats at the WR position I expect him to stop Jackson then as Mr. Burns would say, "UNLEASH THE HOUNDS," on poor young Bradford.
2. Power Sweep: The Rams are dead last against the run this season. They are giving up around 180 yards a game this season. Mike McCarthy should feed James Starks/Ryan Grant this week taking advantage of that fact and setting up their defense for some nasty play-action plays later in the game.
3. Rams O-Line: The Rams are dead last in the league in sacks allowed per pass play. They can't protect Bradford this year and the Packers have not had a monster sack game this year (cough Clay Matthews cough) so they are due for one.
4. FOCUS!: The Packers need not give the Rams extra chances with dumb penalties and turnovers.
5. Rams' Secondary: Three out of their top 4 cornerbacks are out this week and the backups have to go up against Greg Jennings, Jermichael Finley, Jordy Nelson, James Jones, Donald Driver and Randal Cobb. That equation will probably equal out to the Rams getting blown off the field.
6. Wimpie: That is what Rob Naylor calls squash matches in Pro Wrestling and that is what this game should be. 31st in the power rankings/a winless team against the #1 team in the power rankings, an undefeated team. This game better be a blowout if the Packers are who we think that they are. That said I believe they are who we think they are and I predict Packers 45 Rams 17 to be the final score. That is my preview of this game and I will talk to you next week with my thoughts about the outcome of this game.

NFL 2011: Week 2 - NFC South & West (1st Quarter)

So this is week one of my weekly NFL round-up type shits, which sometimes in past years has been at websites that would give me scraps of money, but really, it's not worth making lists of 12 Hot Pictures of Islamic Women Camel Toes and finding pictures to do the type of shit that is considered freelancing anymore. So I do it for love of the bullshit, in the way it was meant to be done - at my kitchen table with a creepy clay coffee cup that has a finger for the handle (pretend, not real finger) full of mushroom tea, chewing on eleuthro root, like a fucking man. The way I've done this is to break up the NFL season into four quarters, like a game, because it follows that pattern. First quarter of the season, we stroll through the league, and shit's just started, so things are settling in, and the way things look very well may not be the way they shake out. Most football nerdernet writing people would not admit this to you; they want to seem all-knowing and ever-present like the pyramid eyeball. But I'm no Illuminaut, bros, I'm just a rock solid dude with a heart of whatever is the working man equivalent to gold, who keeps up with shit with a half-assed mathematical formula which actually calculates but also involves drawing pentagrams in goat's blood under a red light in the tiny non-working bathroom of the 18 foot camper trailer a French Canadian Jewish Gypsy woman left on my property a while back. I do some crazy shit in that camper, and if they did that blacklight semen looking thing in there, man, it'd be ugly and unexplainable. But hey, that's life, when you're actually living it.
First quarter of the season, we'll go through two divisions a week, from the same conference, roughly worst to best, judging by collective record. From that criteria, since most every division went 2-2 last weekend, I thought it was gonna be hard to get two geographically attached divisions to roll with. I mean, I knew one of the West divisions would represent, because they both tend to suck. In a lot of sports, there is claimed to be an east coast bias, which is probably true, but not so much a bias as it is just the way shit is when games are played at 2 in the morning our time where most of us in this country live. You should be thankful you don't live around as many assholes as I do, and accept your sports teams being slightly overlooked as a little yang for that yin, you know?
But at the same time, there's no denying in the NFL the west coast ain't representing enough to really claim a bias. However, first week of the NFL season, every division, including both western divisions, went either 2-2 or 3-1, except one - the NFC South. Yes, the division that many (including myself) was touting as potentially the NFL's best went 0 for the weekend, including get outright punked in 3 games with the NFC North. I decided to attach the NFC West to that because even though they went 2-2, just like the NFC East, if it wasn't for game within the NFC West, or against the Panthers, they wouldn't have won a single game. So let us go through this first week of rankings of the NFC West and South teams, with their overall rankings according to my NFLuminati Index in there as well, for you to be like, "Oh yeah, this shit looks kinda scientific, but also metaphysical, like real life shit; it's a shame stupid fucking grantland ain't more like this, so I think I'm gonna click that button on the right and donate $5 so that Neil and Raven can share hallucinogens at next year's Gathering of the Juggalos"...
#1: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (0-1, 12th overall) - Yeah, even with an opening night loss, the Saints are still sitting the highest. It's hard to really punish a team, even in nerd formulas, for losing on the road against last year's champion. The Saints look to be a better version of what they were last year on offense, as Mark Ingram - goal line stuffage ignored - is a definite upgrade at their premium RB position, and has the potential to be the first top-tier feature back they've had since Deuce McAllister went away. Their defense looked shitty against the Packers, but you know, probably anybody would've looked shitty in that light. So let's see what these fuckers in gold and black look like hosting the Chicago Bears this weekend.
#2: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (1-0, 13th overall) - So Coach Jimbo Harbaugh comes out the gate after one weak ass victory over a shitty Seahawks team, going "How come ain't nobody talking about us? Where's our highlights?" already going to the west coast bias card. Or worse yet playing the "No one respects us" schtick to his locker room. I think that's an overrated method, because it only works while you are shitty. Once you get to a good level, the motivation behind that is gone, and what's left to prove? I really like the idea of Jim Harbaugh, but already he's coming across as kind of a douche. It must be something about San Francisco, because who didn't love Mike Singletary before he coached there. He's in the fucking graphic at the top of this website. But now he seems kinda like a dumbass after what happened in San Francisco. There's something not right about that 49ers place. Bill Walsh has cast some sort of NFL Illuminati voodoo spell over that shit, that only George Seifert was allowed to bypass. There's always been something slightly ominous and unsettling about that color scheme they have. Anyways, lucky for them they are in the NFC West, so a team full of half-witted retards and Afghanistan war vets with one prosthetic leg each could contend to win the title.
#3: ARIZONA CARDINALS (1-0, 18th overall) - The Cardinals are like the rebound team, where jaded people go to get pretended over. Kurt Warner post-Rams, or Kevin Kolb post-Eagles. Cardinals fans are Cowboys fans with nothing better to do. They've never been an actual team it seems, just this thing that exists out in the desert that pretends it was once a team and will again be a team but has to go through the purgatory of the transition, forever. That's the Cardinals. When Larry Fitzgerald signed his gazillion ear dollar deal this past offseason (or was it last?) all I could think was, "Aww, poor Larry Fitzgerald." But then I remembered NFL deals don't really mean anything, as it still works under the pre-housing bubble refinancing every two years scheme.
#4: ATLANTA FALCONS (0-1, 19th overall) - Last week, people were talking up the dirty birds to go to the Super Bowl. This week, they are like, "Shit man, what went wrong with the Falcons?" Chill out bros; football is not as immediate as the interwebs, and the Falcons will be okay. They won't be a Super Bowl team, but they really weren't anyways. They will be good. In fact, Julio Jones should help make them even better than last year, or at least exciting as fuck to watch, with the collection of WRs/RBs/Tony Gonzalezes they've collected for Matt Ryan to toss the ol' pigskin around to. Personally though, I think they should get Denny Green to be their coach, like right away. They'd be cooler if they did.
#5: ST. LOUIS RAMS (0-1, 22nd overall) - Haha, the Rams are like last year's Lions, coming into the season thinking, "Maybe we'll be better finally," and then wracked with injuries and doom right out the gate. I think like half their team got injured last week. They do have the makings of a strong defense though, which is going to be necessary because if Sam Bradford is already getting banged up, with him looking about as tough as a Boy Scout in his staunchest mode, that multi-million dollar investment is going to not be so wonderful on the dividend tip. Also, Stephen Jackson is already banged up, as is that Danny Algondola dude or whatever who was their best receiver by default last year. They might just have to start punting the ball on 3rd downs.
#6: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (0-1, 26th overall) - The Bucs got beat at home by the Lions, and I don't care how much more improved the Lions are supposed to be, you cannot lose a home game if you are a potential fringe element playoff team to another fringe element playoff team. That's like a best of three series you'll play like three times this year with other teams in that predicament, and now the Bucs are down one game, after one week, in that spot. This week they go on the road against the Vikings, who I'd say aren't even a fringe element playoff team, but if the Bucs get duked in that one, count them out this season, which is gonna suck, because I have stupid Josh Freeman on my stupid fantasy team.
#7: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (0-1, 27th overall) - The Seahawks are not only a shitty godawful team, but they are coached by a shitty godawful dude, who somehow seems perfectly Seattle-ish. I imagine him with a chai latte in hand, parking his Prius in the coach's spot, heading into Seahawks facility which is wind-powered, to do yoga with players in a unitarian universalist chapel before film study. Tarvaris Jackson as your starting QB is a good sign you've given up on the year though, so I guess they're just riding out the season, hoping to get Andrew Luck, so Pete Carroll can continue to pretend by amassing every former Pac-10 star there ever was in one place, he can recreate the magic he had at USC.
#8: CAROLINA PANTHERS (0-1, 29th overall) - So Cam Newton didn't suck like people thought he would, and played air guitar on the football to celebrate a TD. Haha, and it all happened against the Cardinals. Panthers fans are convincing themselves that Cam Newton was not a wasted pick as franchise QB because he had a good game against the Arizona Cardinals. Hahaha, good luck with that. Green Bay's coming to town this weekend, Mr. Newton, so let's see how many air guitar solos you get this week, brah.

NFL ACLB PREVIEWS - #20: ST. LOUIS RAMS

PERTINENT DATA: 7-9 last year; 45 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLVI.
BEST CASE SCENARIO (Raven): Look, Steve Spagnuolo aka Spags is the exact type of coach today's young players love and will smash through walls for - he's pretend hip, can refer to rap lyrics from the '90s, and wears his hair both facial and moptop like the Nissan GT-R driving assistant manager of a cell phone store. Now that's not necessarily enough to win Super Bowls, because football is football, but let's be realistic - this is a team perched mightily in the midst of the NFC West. Winning this division is like taking on a Special Ed class in a spelling bee. Sam Bradford, although he looks like he's about 12-years-old and for whatever reason is part of this massive influx of allegedly grown ass men who look like little gay children to me, did pretty damn good last year, clocking in with the last major guaranteed paycheck before the new collective bargaining agreement. Sure, his shoulder might snap in two at some point, but he has held up thus far, and really that's all that needs to happen for the Rams to be competitive enough to win the West. Steven Jackson was the best RB in the league two years ago, although you may have missed that, and even two years removed from such a year, he's not quite into Shaun Alexander/Terrell Davis "wheels about to fall off" decline, but he's not too far from it. On defense, the Rams have assembled a strange assortment of monsters like Chris Long and James Laurinaitis who can instill fear in offenses, yet play well to mildly racist middle America. Really, all they have to do is further tweak this offense to play well in that monstrosity of a stadium of their's, and this could actually be a perennial NFC Western power, which means maybe a victory against a wild card team at home and then beaten by a true football team from a different division. Still, that's commendable.
WORST CASE SCENARIO (Neil): I don’t really have anything against the Rams. They’re a once proud franchise beaten down and now trying to claw their way back to the top. I can respect that. I can understand that. But the fans of the St. Louis Rams are another thing. It’s not necessarily their fault, but there is something insincere and superficial about them. I have felt this way since the year the Rams won the Super Bowl and all their fans went crazy even though the Rams had only been in St. Louis for, like, four years. Now, I can understand the enthusiasm of the fans of St. Louis for a winning team. After all, they were forced to deal with the Cardinals through years of misery and despair, but man, the Rams aren’t your team. The Rams belong to Los Angeles, and while that may not be as true as it used to be – I’m sure there are some diehard Rams fans in St. Louis who truly feel that shit now – it sure as hell was true back in 1999. Every fan of the Rams that season made a conscious decision to root for the Rams. It wasn’t inborn because the Rams had belonged to Los Angeles when all those fans came of age. So, I know those fans didn’t really feel that shit deep in their gut, the way that you or I would, those of us who had no choice in the matter and were born into our fandom. That’s fine. I mean, sure, why not? There was a new team in town, might as well support it. But don’t tell me that joy was 100% pure. At least some of it had to be manufactured, even if Rams fans didn’t consciously understand that they were doing it. They had to hype themselves up to care. They were the equivalent of hipster football fans. I know this isn’t fair, but fuck them. They didn’t deserve to revel in the glory of that Super Bowl win. They just didn’t. You know who I feel for? Those L.A. fans who were abandoned and had to watch their team win for some other city. It must have been like watching your asshole dad who let you down for years marry some other broad, knock her up and then lavish all the attention and affection on the new kid that you never got. And you know those Los Angeles Rams fans weren’t the trendy ones either. The trendy L.A. fans, those jackoff cokeheads and starfuckers, all were Raiders fans. You know I’m right. So, I don’t necessarily wish ill on the Rams. I’m sure they have some of those diehard fans still back in L.A., following them and loving them like abused loved ones, unable to help themselves. But their St. Louis fans deserve a few more years of agony and depression. Let them grow into their fandom the honest way. That’s why I’m happy to report that the worst case scenario for the Rams is still rancid ass. Don’t buy into last year’s bullshit hype. Fuck Sam Bradford, that Okie charlatan. I watched my team break his back and humble his shameful ass last year and his tears tasted good. Goddamn, I’m a rambling fool here. Anyway, the worst case scenario for the Rams is Bradford getting his shoulder all fucked up (I understand this is what happens to young hotshot quarterbacks.) and then the lack of talent everywhere else catches up with the Rams yet again and they flail and fuck around and find themselves in last place being humiliated on a weekly basis by the Cardinals. The St. Louis fans need to see that shit. They need to see their ex beating the shit out of their new man. It’s time for some humility up in this motherfucker. No, I will not calm down. Get your goddamn hands off me, you damn dirty apes!
PLAYER TO PULL FOR (Raven): Steven Jackson really was the best RB in the league, and just a pure loveable hoss who never blinked an eye as he bursted and badgered his way for long runs constantly. Guys like him actually make me sad when they are mired down in a franchise on the decline for the prime years of their career, because after another year or two, he'll probably take a back-up role on a Super Bowl contender to try and win a ring, probably come up short, and end up retired somewhat forgotten because he never got those primetime moments, or those playoff NFL film recaps of note. And yet he was truly one of the baddest ass motherfuckers in the NFL in his time. I'm not writing the dude off, but he's certainly getting into that grey area this year, where you might start to see the downward decline in ability to shake off the mini-concussions felt when your running style is so smashmouth stylish. But nevertheless, the true football gods, the proverbial real that recognizes real, they know Steven Jackson was the real deal, and because of that, he always will be the real deal, even in decline. Because in the eyes of the real football gods, you are always at your penultimate, and you go to Football Heaven (which is actually on the southwestern suburbs of Hell geographically) and just play smashmouth football for eternity with the game's greats from forever, and there's an endless supply of recreational drugs and loose women and cheap beer and cheap champagne and big steaks and Cuban cigars and whatever else they need in Football Heaven. It's kind of like Canton, but not decided by douchebag writers.
PLAYER TO HATE MOST (Neil): Al Harris used to play for the Green Bay Packers and therefore he is a known shithead. He’s a feisty little fucker and while I appreciate that kind of shit, too many times he was on the opposite side of the field from my boys acting the fool and therefore I cannot in good conscience say he is anything more than a lousy degenerate who should be dragged in chains before Sheriff Goodell and then hanged in the NFL town square while the townspeople scramble to steal his boots. Goddammit, hang on, there’s a bug on my leg. I have to kill that son of a bitch. Stream of consciousness style, yo. Okay, I’m back. Anyway, yeah, Al Harris should have his boots stolen.
BEST NAME ON TEAM: C.J. Ah You, which for whatever reason matches up with former Jets FB B.J. Askew in my brain, and seems perverted.
IN A PERFECT WORLD (Neil): In a perfect world, I take some Ritalin and try to focus on a coherent story here, but fuck that, it’s almost midnight, I just killed a bug who may or may not have been the reincarnated Hitler, I’m feeling feral and I don’t know where I’m going with any of this. I suppose I should talk about some actual football related stuff, but that doesn’t interest me right now as much as the idea of the people of St. Louis getting humbled for their imaginary crimes. They didn’t do anything wrong. Not really anyway. They just don’t deserve to revel in the joys of a winning team. That’s all. They haven’t earned that shit yet. They got too much too soon and now in a perfect world, they have to pay for that shit. I don’t want to wish injury on Sam Bradford because that would be mean spirited and I am a warrior of peace and therefore am above such petty tomfoolery, but at the same time, I remember people saying that he would have been – and should have been – the number one overall pick ahead of Matthew Stafford if he had declared for the draft a year early. And then the Rams and their spoiled fans had the nerve to cheer his selection over Ndamukong Suh. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they chose the way they did, but goddammit, there is family pride at stake here. I can’t have Sam Bradford running wild, tricking people into believing that the Lions got the raw end of the quarterback deal or that Ndamukong Suh isn’t the greatest man alive (After The Great Willie Young, of course, but that shit’s closer than you think.) Can’t have it. Therefore, in a perfect world, Sam Bradford will stay healthy but he will be revealed as a charlatan, a false prophet and an utter heathen. He will throw 30 interceptions this season and be hanged from the St. Louis arch by his own teammates. Yes, that’s a tad extreme, but these are strange and terrible times and these things happen. I didn’t ask for it to be this way. It was ordained by God. Just ask Brenda Warner.
PROGNOSIS (Raven): The Rams will be middle ground, like last year, and like they'll probably always be with Bradford, and go 7-9. That won't be enough to win the West, but it'll be enough for them to continue to feel good about themselves going into next year, when they'll expect to take that next step as a franchise.

Rams Opponents- 116 Rams- 29

St. Louis is a proud city, but an even prouder sports city. Yesterday, they got to watch the Cubs clinch the NL Central in a game against the Cardinals. Today, they got to watch the Rams get eviscerated by the Seahawks, a team most likely headed for a 5-12 season.

If it wasn't for the Chiefs, the Rams would be inarguably the worst team in the NFL. The thing about the Rams is that, on  paper, it makes basically no sense. Unlike the Chiefs, who could also be historically awful, the Rams aren't starting a second-year quarterback from Coastal Carolina. And unlike last year's Dolphins, the Rams didn't lose their starting quarterback in Week 3, and most likely won't lose their starting running back for the year in Week 7. The Rams have a proven, capable quarterback, a Hall of Fame receiver who went for 1,200 yards last year and a running back who just two years ago looked like Marshall Faulk if Faulk was built like a Lincoln Navigator. Sure, their defense makes victory nearly impossible, but their offense has scored less points in their three games combined than any of their opponents in one. Last week, a dude in my fantasy league from St. Louis changed his team name to The Greatest Shit on Turf. 

The problem is easily diagnosable: The Rams have the worst coach in the NFL. Not only is Scott Linehan completely in over his head, but the players literally don't care. The Rams are a team so imperfectly put together that it's almost sad. Linehan took his first NFL head coaching job with the Rams, and was immediately charged with gaining the respect of Torry Holt and Marc Bulger, the faces of the franchise and two guys who've been around since the glory days. This, quite simply, hasn't happened, and when you watch the Rams on offense looking like a pre-Icebox Little Giants, you start to feel bad for Linehan, who seems like a pretty okay guy.

Today, the Rams looked like they were making strides on offense, but those strides inevitably ended with them shooting themselves in the foot, sawing off the foot with a pocketknife, and then dying of blood loss. Most notably, it seems as if Linehan and OC Al Saunders (probable head coach by Week 5) made a concerted effort to utilize Steven Jackson, that dude they have who totaled 2,300 total yards two seasons ago. Though this seemed to resemble a part of a game plan, it's also possible that they just decided to play Madden 07 last week. The Rams longest play of the year came in the third quarter when they threw a bubble screen to Jackson, who had lined up as a slot receiver. It didn't necessarily fool the Seahawks, but it got Jackson out in space and away from the Rams' awful offensive line. It took him breaking three of four tackles to bust the play open for a gain of 50, but it was still a designed play that didn't end in Marc Bulger throwing behind a double-covered Dane Looker. Two plays later, coming from a timeout, Linehan called for Bulger to fake a hitch before handing off to Jackson. It was kind of like a draw, and Jackson fumbled. They recovered, and on the next play scored their second touchdown of the season, but that's missing the point. 

The Rams, in the near future, have no hope. They are a team with a bad, young defense and a capable, but aging, offense. They'll be lucky to pull off three wins this year, and even luckier if they can manage to click on both offense and defense in the same game. Linehan's such a lame duck that he's basically foie gras, and whoever is coaching by the 2009 off-season will have to rebuild a team that's a mess in a way that a plane crash is a mess. This once well-oiled machine is now just a heap of smoking rubble, but you can't even really blame the pilot.