Washington Redskins 2011 Wrap-Up: The Offensive Edition

I had talked to my man Will the Thrill thru the electronic mailboxes about how shitty things ended for the Skins, and wanted to do a position by position rundown of looking back and ahead and shit, but just don’t have the heart for it, especially when I need to be working on these fuckin’ short stories for a collection to come out for real not internetted. But hey, I just drank a double dose of Tazo Awake tea, am briefly amped, so let’s run thru this like two crank aficionados who hadn’t seen each other since community college ten years ago (doing offense this time)…

QUARTERBACKING: Came into the year with the Cannon of Sex and Mormon MacGruber and the world was all “lololol” at us. Internally, we wondered what the fuck was up with the Shanahans, but drank the Kool-Aid on Grossman, if for no other reason than we had no choice. He sucked, so they put in Beck, because we were like, “maybe that dude actually is good, even though he’s never seemed like it.” He wasn’t, so back came Grossman who we begrudgingly loved briefly, all the way through the 15th week of the season when some people were actually like, “Yo, we could’ve had a shot to make the playoffs if Grossman had played those weeks when stupid Beck played.” But then Rex did what Rex does and sucked it up enough against the Vikings and Eagles to close out the season with a healthy splash of Redskinreality. Talk was heavy of Robert Griffin III coming, but with that Leinart/Sanchez 3.0 dude saying he was staying in college to have threesomes with Polynesian chicks, that means Griffin will probably be gone before we pick 6th. Talk was Skins would trade up potentially, maybe even for Andrew Luck (so as to turn him into Ryan Leaf I guess), but then Matt Flynn had one good game in a somewhat who gives a fuck game, so now the Redskins will probably trade 17 draft picks in a sign-and-trade for him. What they should do is keep Grossman, draft either Griffin or Luck (whichever falls to second QB, meaning hopefully Griffin) even if it means trading up, and let Grossman run this thing next year as well until he is so godawful (again) that he has to be replaced by the rookie. I mean fuck it, it’s not like they’ll actually be good next year either, so we should just be looking for improvement. Right?

RUNNING BACKS: Tim Hightower was brought in and was okay I guess, but a really nice dude who doesn’t scare white people. Roy Helu and Evan Royster the rookie dudes both looked very good, which gives hope that maybe Shanahan’s not a complete retard at his advanced age. “Rugged” Ryan Torain became expendable. And the Darrell Young dude really started to shine in a FB role. They will probably stay pat with this ensemble, fleshing it out with some other draft pick next year. Personally, I’m not entirely sold on Hightower (outside of him being super nice, so my apologies to you if you read this bro, even though I went to VCU so fuck U of R), but whatever man. Let this thing we have ride next year, fill it out with some other shit. I would throw a couple of other rookies into the rotation though because I don’t trust none of this. I want to love Roy Helu and dream he could be the Polynesian John Riggins, but I also fear he could be next year’s Ryan Torain.

WIDE RECEIVER TYPE DUDES: Man, don’t even know what to say. We had the most hodgepodge collection of a Madden game fantasy draft where you forgot to draft WRs until the 6th round ever. I’ve had enough of Santana Moss and would not feel sad if he went away forever. I mean he’s been serviceable, and we will always have him and Mark Brunell against the Cowboys on MNF. But I’d like to hope we turn into an actual good football team again and we can fondly look back on guys like Moss and Clinton Portis as dudes who entertained us during the suck years. Jabar Gaffney was good I guess, but it’s not like he’s breaking open shit any time soon. Second-tier retreads are not what championship teams are made of. I had hoped more from the rookie trio of Leonard Hankerson and Niles Paul and Aldrick Robinson, and Hankerson and Paul showed some promise. But you know what? Counting on them to develop next year would be as stupid as counting on Malcolm Kelly and Devin Thomas to develop in their second year, except Kelly/Thomas were 2nd round hypejobs while Hankerson/Paul were later round “bargains”, thus it would be even stupider. In other words, get me a fucking WR, please. I guess there’s that fast dude with the Steelers who everybody wants to throw money at, so I would imagine that’s right up Snyder’s anushole. But dude, remember Randle El? C’mon.

TIGHT ENDS: At one point, this was considered a strong spot, where people were like, “Let’s trade Chris Cooley because Fred Davis is so awesome!” Then Chris Cooley’s knee proved to be as limp as his penis in that famous picture, and Fred Davis proved to be stupid as fuck in getting busted for weed smoking after already getting busted for weed smoking, meaning next time he’s gone for a whole year. Considering I think the dude’s only been here for three, and has already been popped that many times, and every NFL player ever gets high like crazy but only the stupid ones get busted, it seems highly unlikely he does not fuck up again. Logan Paulsen was awesome as the longhaired potential viking warrior as the third TE, but once he actually had to play, not so awesome. Some dude are born roster fillers and look great with bad tattoos and long hair on the sidelines. That is Logan Paulsen. He should learn long-snapping. Most likely the Skins will piss me off with whatever they do with Cooley, because I’ll be sad if he goes and bummed if he stays. In all honesty, he is the one dude I feel an obligation to as a fan, and though he wants to stay here in DC, he really deserves to have that second run in a city of his choice to give his career some spectrum. I’d suggest Denver, because he’d fit in great with his do-anything mentality, and it would be close to his Utah home. As for Fred Davis, I imagine the Skins will sign him to a new-deal and he will never do anything near as good as this year ever again, basically becoming our offensive Rocky McIntosh. But they will think whatever they do is perfect, and be like, “We have Fred Davis who is about to breakout as one of the great TEs in the league like Jimmy Graham or those Patriot dudes except for the fact Davis has been playing longer than all of them and yet to develop into anything near as awesome. And Logan Paulsen got some quality experience last year when everybody else was crippled or drug suspended. So we feel really deep at tight end.”

OFFENSIVE LINEMEN: Oh man, Trent Williams was a #4 overall pick, and got hisself suspended as well for weed. Next time and he’s gone for a full year, which is odd because dude has only been in the NFL for two years, and been injured for part of that. Basically what I am saying is fuck him. Give him next year to either get it or get the fuck out. Seriously. Fuck patience for unfulfilled potential because one thing that’s become painfully clear in the last decade is nobody reaches their full potential – ever – in Washington. They are going to play below their potential somehow if they are known, and perhaps a little over it if they are unknown, which leads to a consistent mediocrity. Actually you know what? Fuck Trent Williams. I’d trade that dude for like a 5th round draft pick to like the Cardinals or some shit, just to send a message to everybody else that you do not give a fuck anymore and you will only bring in players who are insanely dedicated to whatever it is Mike Shanahan thinks football is in 2012. Also, Jammal Brown sucks. I know he’s started a bunch of games and is a veteran presence, but that dude sucks, and few guys on this team have caused me to attempt to break things in my house like he has this season, far more than a guy not from a prominent face time position on TV should be causing. As for the no-name later round dudes who finished out the season, they were respectable. Nothing I’d build around or count on for the future, but a good foundation. If one of the top two draft picks we have next year, and the year after that, as well as the one after that, is not spent on an O-Lineman, then we have learned nothing. Get two good dudes to flesh out the no-names, who usually develop into good dudes as well when surrounded by a lynchpin like that, and we might be better than many think. The real problem is Williams though, as he is supposed to be that lynchpin but has not shown the ability to be that, but we are financially and psychically committed to him for the time being. Which again points toward next year being a hold pattern year to see what happens.

COORDINATOR: Kyle Shanahan is not so good at coordinating an offense, and not even a third as good as he thinks he is. He is a young dude who feels his system can be implemented anyhow, and yet he has no real tangible proof to back this up. But he is also the head coach’s son. Hopefully Redskins highest-ups will feel out making Daddy Shanahan fire his son, but if ol’ Mike doesn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t push the issue. You really have to give Daddy Shanahan next year to sink or swim, either show notable improvement or hit the road you old fucking anus-mouthed Jon Benet Ramsey ritualistic child sex murder accomplice. So I wouldn’t push the issue of firing Kyle. But if you can get away with it, I’d get away with it, and try to bring somebody else in with at least a fucking ounce of humility.

OFFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR: I don’t know, I guess Roy Helu, for lack of anyone else I feel comfortable picking. And even that I don’t wanna pick. Or fuck it, let’s just say Will Montgomery, starting C who bounced around the line but was the one solid dude there. Yeah, I choo-choo-choose him. The Center. That’s a sign of a powerful offense, isn’t it?

Redskins 3-4 Positives/Negatives Metasciences Week 8 Recap

[Each and almost every week, I will metaphysically testify upon the positive and negative influences on my beloved Washington Redskins team, who I've known since childhood and always felt in my heart, as seen in their on-field (via televisions) performance. As the year goes on, we shall have a metascientifical tabulation of who is the most valuable or biggest detriment to the future of this franchise, because I am a scientist.]
This was a horrible, horrible game that I enjoyed in the car on the radio, on the television, and finally as background noise while carving pumpkins with my kids. This metasciences recap will be long, tormented, but ultimately exactly what it should be. But before I begin, let me explain that I was ahead of the curve on seeing the failings in this team. That could be attributed to pessimism, but I don't think of myself as such. I can see what's been going on, and like many Skins fans who have to come accept the contrarian nature of this team's character, I fully embraced the notion they could dominate in this game and steal a win and remain relevant for a couple more weeks, as they tend to do the opposite of what they should, and remaining barely relevant has become a hallmark of the Dan Snyder Era in Washington sports. It's painful.
But it was a nice Sunday in the fall, so me and the wife and kids went for a hike down the road, gathered like 30 pounds of acorns for our pigs, who will be going off to slaughter in the next week or two. We got lost following a creek off the beaten path, naturally, so I got back into our vehicle, like four miles from home, right as the Bills scored their first TD. I was bummed we were late, because I had a feeling only the first quarter was going to have the excitement of a possible victory in it, and I missed almost all of it by the time we got home, and I flipped it on to watch the Skins third possession and third punt. I gave up on the TV at halftime to retire to the kitchen table with Sam and Sonny and the other guy on in the background, talking about sacks and INTs and sideline arguments as we cut ominous into orange vegetables. The fact it remained a shutout was sort of lost on me until I remembered I had picked up the Buffalo defense on one of my fantasy teams and was actually benefitting from the death of my favorite franchise. That made me feel happy, ever so slightly, and I really wonder if I'm technically still a Redskins fan at this point. I mean, I know I am - I was wearing a stupid fucking Redskins softball jersey with the three-quarters sleeves and retro stripes while sticking my hands into the brains of ominous vegetable heads. But man, there's no passion anymore, no excitement, and definitely no hope. But I will get into that as we move through the metasciences, of which I could only muster up one positive to ten negatives. I was gonna go 2 and 9, to remain more positive just barely, but I couldn't justify it. There's no way you can have watched and/or listened to this team the past three weeks and feel good about anything. Shit, we even fucked up getting Andrew Luck already. We are like the ultimate losers.
Oh well, here's the metascientifics...
FIRST DEGREE POSITIVE: MLB LONDON FLETCHER - I would be yelling at motherfuckers on the sideline too. Fletcher got 20 tackles in the game, and had a nice INT in the end zone that kept the score from being even worse. I have gone from wishing London would remain on as a coach once he retires, to never leave the Redskins, to feeling really sorry for the guy that the end of his career was such a wasted effort here with the Skins. It might have set his Hall of Fame career possibilities back, and he doesn't deserve that. He is probably the best player other than Darrell Green that I've ever seen in a Redskins uniform, in all my time of wasting time watching them play football. And honestly, being London has been the only positive light on a negative shitstorm for so long, I'm not entirely sure I don't think more highly of #59 than I do #28 at this point. At least Darrell Green had the infrastructure of support around him. London's had to fight a lot of battles without sufficient back-up, and yesterday was the first time I've ever seen him lose his head for a moment, ever. That's pretty fucking amazing.
STAY MEDIUM DEGREE: OLB RYAN KERRIGAN - Kerrigan is really good, and the only reason I regard him more highly than Brian Orakpo is because the past few weeks I've started to see the body language of Redskinsdom setting into Orakpo. It's a combination of frustration because things don't ever work out, but also that feeling of superiority that somehow all this terrible football playing doesn't deserve to be hung on your head. I'm not sure how that has become the Redskins way, but it is. Never has this team been like, "Yeah, we fucking suck, it's time to roll up our sleeves and see what's going on, get back to playing football." It's always how we should've won, or we're a better team than this. When this has been going on for fifteen years, you are not better than it any more. You are it, and by not accepting it, you'll never get out of it.
So I think well of Kerrigan because he's just a rookie and the internal psychological weaknesses have not been fully impaled upon his professional psyche just yet. There was a Hogs Haven column about who they would consider untradeable or would not get rid of, and all the dude put on his list was Kerrigan and Jarvis Jenkins. I can't argue with that. Everybody else - Cooley, Moss, Laron Landry - all of them have nothing to prove they should be considered eternal Redskins. I mean, I love Cooley to death, and his limitations are more physical than psychological, but he's been abused by this league. Not sure how much is left for him in DC, and frankly, I'd rather see him take a reduced veteran role on a contender team, to have a chance to play meaningful games in January, than come back to this shithole for it's 5th rebuilding effort in his 8-year career. But if magically everything could change overnight, I'd say Kerrigan is one of the few dudes who hasn't been poisoned completely just yet.
FIRST DEGREE NEGATIVE: WR LEONARD HANKERSON - Hankerson got a catch in the NFL! It's a sad state of affairs when your first NFL catch comes a week after your first Twitter war with angry fans. But that is Leonard Hankerson's blazing entry into the NFL's 8th week of 2011, as a ballyhooed unmistakable gem that dropped to the Redskins, who were gonna exploit their great rookie scouting into the best collection of young players we'd seen in a decade. Yeah. Maybe Hankerson could be a gem, but being one of the few O-linemen we ever drafted the past decade - Chad Rinehart - was starting for the Bills after being run out of DC as not being good enough, I'm starting to wonder if there's not a good bit of poor coaching involved in this team's continuous suckiness to match the very obvious poor drafting that has gone on. Hankerson could be Jerry Rice in the rough, but I doubt there's anybody in the hallways of Ashburn, VA, right now who's got the coaching abilities to wipe him off, polish him up, and turn Hankerson into Jerry Rice. Therefore, he is fucked. Just like Malcolm Kelly, just like Devin Thomas, just like every fucking body who comes into the burgundy and gold vortex of overvalued self-confidence.
SECOND DEGREE NEGATIVE: QB JOHN BECK - So remind me again how it came to be a John Beck/Rex Grossman QB battle this year? Because that seems super-crazy illogical and like the worst possible thinking possible, ever. That's the type of decision-making made by your 7-year-old halfwit cousin when five of you decide to play franchise mode of Madden together, so you tolerate it then, and whoop his ass when playing head-to-head, and make others feel bad for taking advantage of his diminished intellect otherwise.
After a couple of weeks of John Beck, regardless of the piecemeal offensive line in front of him, I can safely say that John Beck is not so good. And yet somehow, I still feel more comfortable with him than Grossman, probably because of that piecemeal offensive line that got him sacked 9 times yesterday. Because if there's one thing John Beck can do, it's stumble forward for a six-yard gain when the pocket completely collapses on him and there's nobody open anywhere on the field that he can actually throw the ball to, which to be fair to our receivers, is a very limited window of possible throws. Beck apparently is from the Donovan McNabb school of aiming for people's feet on routes, but like I said, he does not have concrete cleats on, and lacks the crazy gunslinger eyes of Grossman, that causes one to think they can thread triple coverage on a dime. We will have far less pick-sixes with John Beck riding out the year. Unfortunately, yesterday's goose egg on the scoreboard may be the first of a handful.
THIRD DEGREE NEGATIVE: CB DEANGELO HALL - Post-game questioning of coaching or the team? Check. No real accountability for why the team is terrible? Check. Blindly assuming it will all get better because he and his team and coaches are better than this? Check. I guess when you really think about it, DeAngelo Hall may be the most Redskins Redskins player we have left at this point. Maybe they can make him D-coordinator when the Shanahans inevitably decide to blame Jim Haslet for why this team sucks in the offseason.
FOURTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: S LARON LANDRY - The celebration of a tackle where the RB got a first down is so ridiculous, I'm not even sure how to make fun of it. Laron is a great physical specimen, and could be a monster on the field, if he wasn't so blatantly ignorant. And he has to be ignorant. Why the fuck would you celebrate tackling a dude who just got a first down? Who the fuck cares if it was a powerful tackle? Who the fuck cares Laron? Sad thing is, he's injury-prone, and obviously ignorant as fuck, so any potential trade possibilities for him are probably gone. I guess we just wait for him to underperform his contract, then sign elsewhere and rejuvenate his career under better tutelage elsewhere, like Carlos Rogers is doing in San Francisco. Remember him, he of the butterfingers? He's got three INTs this year, including one for a TD. I imagine he'll have three more next week against the Redskins. And Laron Landry will celebrate a monster tackle on Frank Gore that stopped him two yards past the first down marker on a 3rd and 7.
FIFTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: KR/PR BRANDON BANKS - Remember when we were all excited about Brandon Banks as a return man because the Redskins had for years relied on the same boring returners who never really broke any plays open, hardly ever? Well the important thing to take away from that time was that when returners are not making explosive returns and consistently putting you at a lesser spot in terms of field position, you need to try somebody new, as soon as possible, to stay ahead of that curve, and not behind it. Might be about time to mix in an Aldrick Robinson or Niles Paul return now and then. It also might be time to wonder how the fuck Danny Smith still has a job. Of the 12 field goal blocks in the NFL this season, 25% of them are against the Redskins. And someone might want to explain to Banks that the 15-yard line is actually not as far down the field as the 20-yard line, which is where the ball would go if he'd just fucking down it.
SIXTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: T JAMMAL BROWN - Ah... the 2011 Redskins offensive line - perhaps the worst collection of scrap heap players and washed-up veterans and rookie free agents ever collected. It's like we have three or four Stephon Heyers, all at once. And the rookie free agents, I can give them a pass, because they are longshots who are supposed to be coached up into NFL-caliber players. They can't help the fact they ended up Redskins, thereby hurting their long-term NFL potential. As for Jammal Brown, this is a dude who was supposed to be a quality veteran. Yet he couldn't switch sides at tackle, even though he played LT for years. That is probably not due to knowledge level and more due to talent. Because as RT, he has consistently been the guy that gets beaten for sacks. There were a couple times yesterday where he looked like a speed bump to slow down how fast John Beck was slammed to the Canadian turf more than an actual functioning part of a collective offensive line. And as the resident veteran, I would expect Jammal to lead by example a little better, to give the rookie free agents a fighting chance to, you know, be competent. But that hasn't happened.
Seriously, this offensive line is horrible, and I understand injuries are a factor in that, but even if they were healthy with the forecasted starters from preseason, this would be an average O-line at best. And every fucking team in the NFL has injuries, and prepares for that fact of the game by having competent second-stringers in place to fill in the voids. That should be a constant effort of every NFL team. Somehow this has been lost on the Redskins, who think that by drafting one offensive lineman in the top three picks of the draft once every ten years, they somehow are building something. You know what you are building? A history of not being so good. Our QB looks terrible (and would look average at best with our best possible O-line in place) and our RBs look terrible (and would look above-average at best with our best possible O-line in place), and they won't look any differently any time soon. And if we did have our best possible O-line in place, it would still be an average offense, still miss the playoffs, and still be missing about 7 pieces come next spring. That is the most frustrating part, that we never get any closer, ever. Which brings me to...
SEVENTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: HEAD COACH MIKE SHANAHAN - Mike Shanahan, at this point, is not any better than Jim Zorn. Read that back to yourself so it fully sinks in. The comedic over-his-head fuck-up of a head coach named Jim Zorn who went HIP HIP HOORAY without irony is actually better, by record alone, than Mike Shanahan, alleged genius of the game of the football. Now, I will admit I did not like Shanahan when he was brought in, because I do not like Shanahan. He has an anus mouth, and you have to be of an ill-internal temper and increased paranoia bordering on mental illness towards the world around you to physically have your mouth take the shape a sphincter. Mike Shanahan is a tormented, mentally ill man, who's one point of self-esteem is his football acumen. Except other than when John Elway had hit his best stride, Mike Shanahan has not been exactly a great head football coach. Me wonder what Shanahan's curriculum vitae would look like in this holographic universe if you erased John Elway's involvement? Any Super Bowl victories? Any playoff appearances even? Did the Broncos go to the playoffs ever without Elway? I don't know, nor do I care. What I do know is this team has not shown sustained improvement since the beginning of last year, and seems to be regressing. Sure, there are injuries, but they are not exactly injuries to Calvin Johnson and Tom Brady. We are not seeing the faces of a successful franchise on the sidelines in league-approved street gear. It's just Trent Williams goofing off or Santana Moss keeping his cornrows tight.
It's easy to play armchair head coach, so I will, but if Shanahan has seen what I've seen, and had any seriousness at all about actually building a winning team, he'd cut somebody big, today, like DeAngelo Hall, or Jammal Brown, as an example, and be like, "Look, this is a terrible terrible team, so the rest of this year is basically pre-season and I'm gonna throw anybody who shows me they want to actually play into the game, and we're gonna see who the fuck has the heart to be on this NFL roster next year. Fuck anybody who feels entitled, and fuck anybody who doesn't play with 100% heart. That's why I am waiving DeAngelo Hall, who I've asked to be here with us during this press conference. DeAngelo? Fuck you. Leave your playbook in your locker, get the fuck out, and I hope the only time I see you again is on the football field so you can make one of our second-rate WRs look like an All-Pro." That's what I'd like to see, to put the fear of football god into our veterans, and give the rookies hope that this isn't the slotted roster it appears to be, where the thickness of your paycheck determines your playing time. That's how it's seemed for a while, and that lack of actual competition at all positions has helped make this one of the shoddiest 55-man rosters in the NFL.
The thing is, I don't think Shanahan will do anything to show this. His kid really needs to be fired, but I don't see that happening either. If anything, I expect that Jim Haslet will be made the sacrificial coaching lamb at the end of the season, and we'll get a third year of offensive offense, and this time next year, I'll probably be writing the same fucking thing, just with more "fucks" and more exclamation points. Or I'll completely no longer care at that point, and I'll be a Panthers fan or a Titans fan or some shit, or follow some off-the-wall Scottish Premier League futbol team via the internet and be good with that, because that's the type of age we live in.
Yesterday was the first shut out in Mike Shanahan's illustrious head coaching career. I don't think it's going to be his last though.
EIGHTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: OC KYLE SHANAHAN - Kyle Shanahan sucks, plain and simple. His play calling has been questionable at best, and he is the reason anybody was tricked into believing Rex Grossman could be a competent starting QB again. He should not have a job here next year, if this was a league where you were rewarded or fired upon the basis of what your on-field performance. But the NFL is not such a league, and often times it's who you know more than what you know, and unfortunately for us as Redskins fans, Kyle Shanahan has an in with the head coach. The head coach also is an alleged genius who the fickle owner will not be willing to terminate upon sight at the end of the year, because obviously if us fans have beaten anything into Dan Snyder's head, it's that he's too impetuous and reactionary and needs to be more patient to let a good team be built, not acquired. Except this time, he'd probably be right to fire the Shanahans.
You know how bad Kyle Shanahan is? I was watching the Eagles/Cowboys game and looking at Rob Ryan and thinking how great it would be if he was the Redskins coach. A fat, slovenly, overbearing second generation alleged coaching genius, who currently coaches for the Cowboys, seemed like a good alternative to me. Now I am a person who has forever thought Norv Turner was a purposeful sabotaging of the Redskins franchise by Jerry Jones, so I'm not one to normally look upon a Cowboys anything as a good alternative to anything positive, anywhere. And yet there I was, thinking just such a thing, even though Rob Ryan is a lot like Kyle Shanahan - full of shit, thinks he knows things he doesn't, and riding on the historical successes of his last name, of which he's added next to nothing. Fuck man. I am watching Cowboys games longing for Cowboys coaches. This might be as bad as it has ever gotten.
NINTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: OWNER DAN SNYDER - Of course, the normally impetuous and reactionary idiot Daniel Jacoby Snyder won't fire the Shanahans, when he probably should. He'll ride them out another year, with Jim Haslet's head on his mantle, and blame injuries, and give the Shanahans one more year, which they will also squander, because we're like five good drafts away from being mediocre it looks like to me. And that's part of the problem - Snyder has been such a terrible owner, it is obvious to everybody, including himself. So he reacts to fan hatred for him, always trying so hard to be liked and accepted as a man who "only wants to win." What he should actually be doing is making sensible decisions in hiring the appropriate people to hand over running the team to. Has he ever done that? Not really, though they've tried to convince us through press releases and properly placed hype articles in local newspapers that Bruce Allen/Mike Shanahan was finally going to be that. The amount of PR Snyder has dedicated to that false notion alone is reason enough to believe he'll give them at least a third year, and probably a fourth, unless it gets really really ugly. It's very frustrating to see such a small-minded man in ownership of this team. This is the guy who was gonna hire Jim Fassel, after hiring Jim Zorn as OC, then reacted to negative fan reaction to Fassel by not hiring him and promoting Zorn to head coach, when he'd never even spent a game as a coordinator in the NFL. That's Dan Snyder ownering right there, in a nutshell. That hasn't changed, and why would he? He has nothing to answer to. He owns the team. Even if every disgruntled fan around stopped going to every game ever, there'd be newbies who'd go to games, and opposing fans buying up tickets, and just on that diminished attendance and the overall value of the franchise, Snyder'd be good. At this point, the best we can hope for is he continue to runs it into the ground, changes the name to the Warriors and moves them to Los Angeles, so he can keep his entertainment industry toys in the same mansion toybox as his football team toy. Then maybe we get an expansion franchise with the burgundy and gold colors and a new politically correct name. Or fuck it, maybe we have all new colors. Maybe we burn FedEx Field to the fucking ground, let native americans have sweat lodges and ghost dances on the rubble for nine months straight, give John Riggins and Dexter Manley peyote and send them on a spirit quest to come back with a new name for a football team, and we start fresh like that. I think that makes the most sense.
TENTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: ME - I am of no use to this team, psychically. I am a battered soul who expects the worst. As I was writing this, I saw a story that said Fred Davis was in a walking boot today. This team - already a bad collection of negative auras and karma-deficient personalities behind the scenes - is a bruised and battered B-level squad, which does not bode well for completing the season. Sure, in the standings we are record equals to the Cowboys and Eagles, but I don't think there's a solitary soul who really feels that way. This is a trainwreck of a team, and I, like many fans, have become trainwrecks of a fanbase. I don't even care. They are playing San Francisco next week, and on one hand I hope we do okay and at least score a touchdown, but on the other hand if we lost like 62 to 7, I'd go, "See? That's what the fuck I'm saying." My whole life I've pulled for this team, excitedly even for the most part, and now I'm reduced to a fucking bag-over-the-head curmudgeon who thinks 5-11 is out of the question when we are 3-4. Maybe I should go ahead and look into those Scottish Premier League teams now. Is it soccer season in Scotland already?

ACCUMULATED INFLUENCES UPON THIS FRANCHISE 2011, BEST TO WORST: MLB London Fletcher (+21), TE Fred Davis (+15), OLB Ryan Kerrigan (+14), OLB Brian Orakpo (+13), NT Chris Neild (+8), WR Santana Moss (+7), RB Ryan Torain (+6), TE Chris Cooley (+5), S Laron Landry (+5), RB Roy Helu (+5), LB Rocky McIntosh (+5), P Sav Rocca (+4), DC Jim Haslet (+3), TE Logan Paulsen (+3), WR Anthony Armstrong (+2), CB Josh Wilson (+1), DE Adam Carriker (+1), K Graham Gano (even), RB Tim Hightower (even), color commentator Sam Huff (-1), WR Leonard Hankerson (-1), KR/PR Brandon Banks (-1), QB John Beck (-4), T Trent Williams (-4), S Reed Doughty (-6), QB Rex Grossman (-6), fan Raven Mack (-10), HC Mike Shanahan (-12), T Jammal Brown (-18), CB DeAngelo Hall (-19), OC Kyle Shanahan (-21), and owner Dan Snyder (-34).

Redskins 3-2 Positives/Negatives Metasciences Week 6 Recap

[Each and almost every week, I will metaphysically testify upon the positive and negative influences on my beloved Washington Redskins team, who I've known since childhood and always felt in my heart, as seen in their on-field (via televisions) performance. As the year goes on, we shall have a metascientifical tabulation of who is the most valuable or biggest detriment to the future of this franchise, because I am a scientist.]
I still am not sure why so many people were talking about the Redskins in the same breath as playoffs before this game, or why people were shoveling dirt on the Eagles. I mean, yeah, they were 1-4, but really nobody in the NFC East has excelled towards the lead. To this point, it's like a race between gimpy cripples, so eventually somebody is going to hit a good stride for five or six weeks and get just enough ahead to win the division. I don't necessarily think the Eagles were out of that yet. Sure, in regular old school NFL, starting 1-4 is an albatross you cannot shake. But this is the New NFL, where everybody can compete, very mediocrely, every season, and nobody fills you with confidence.
As for the Redskins, this is exactly what I expected coming into this week. You could feel the Failure Demons all rested and ready to show themselves, on the grand stage of a homecoming after a bye week against a team that had popularly been seen as the worst underperformers in the NFL thus far in 2011. Nothing about this Redskins team, other than their record before today, was impressive enough to make you feel confident, if you were actually looking. The offense was impotent, and the defense - as great as it could be - did not give knockout punches and let losing teams hang in there for a final gasp effort every week.
Still though, this game was frustrating as fuck. When the major point of satisfaction for you on the day is your shitty QB being benched for some other shitty QB, then you are not quite yet in the upper echelon of the NFL as a franchise. I knew that already, and said so last week, but still... it makes you feel shitty when you get your face rubbed back and forth in it.
So now we know we are mediocre. Next week is at Carolina. Does this team prove it's actually high mediocre, and try to keep taking steps towards being good next year, or do they crumble against the lackluster Panthers and comfortably lay amongst the wretched of the turf yet again? I do not know, but I am afraid of how real this reality I feared can still become. Even with that, as I went through positives and negatives, I still came up with 4 pluses to 7 minuses. I thought it would've went much worse than that, but I guess I was psychically prepared for this that happened today. But nonetheless, here are my metascientific thoughts on today's game, as told through the tales of individual players...
FOURTH DEGREE POSITIVE: MLB LONDON FLETCHER - You know I love London Fletcher. But you know what made me be like, "That is something great that nobody else would make happen" about him today? It was when Vick got his face all muddied up, and the Eagles were surrounding him trying to help, although it also looked like he might be concussed, so Fletcher gets in the middle, as if he is checking out of concern, and starts waving to the Eagles training staff to come help him emphatically. This caused the refs to stop play and send Vick off, for Vince Young to come in long enough to throw a terrible interception in black Rex Grossman fashion. Now, I'm not entirely sure Vick wasn't concussed but the Eagles went all old school and gave him some smelling salts and sent him back up, long-term neurological consequences be damned. But still, Fletch made that happen.
THIRD DEGREE POSITIVE: S LARON LANDRY - Landry done well for himself today, and is apparently still hobbled somewhat, but he's a force. There were a couple shots he laid on people that were straight Laron shots, and one or two where he was keyed in but a teammate clogged up the path. But Laron is more than just a terminator, and has shown - both last year and in limited time this season - that he is ready to be a more complete player. I hope he doesn't get murdered trying to samurai sword felonious intruders to his home.
SECOND DEGREE POSITIVE: TE FRED DAVIS - Knock on wood, Fred seems to have shaken his fumble-itis from previous seasons, and has become the visual definition of "rumbling, stumbling" because every run after catch he has is sort of wobbly and drunken looking, yet always moving forward. And he cracked the fuck out of Asante Samuel. If there was a good QB out there in a burgundy jersey, I think Fred Davis would be like TE of the Year already.
FIRST DEGREE POSITIVE: P SAV ROCCA - Sav Rocca is great. We are back to having great, wacky punters who do well to pin other teams back to minimize the gradually deteriorating effects of an impotent offense. Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray!
STAY MEDIUM DEGREE: T TRENT WILLIAMS - I know you can't fault a man for what with getting injured, but really, we are getting to the middle of our second season with Trent, and we're still just talking potential more than goods at this point. He was also a penalty machine before he got injured, with a holding and an honorable defense of Kory Lichtensteiger's honor personal foul. But man, we need that dude to be a dominant force. I mean, if we're only going to draft like three offensive linemen every nine years, they've got to deliver.
Speaking of which, man, that hurt us today, didn't it, with two injuries to starters? I feel very shaky about anything moving forward with Lichtensteiger (who has been developing well this year, plus has a solidly ominous Olde World O-lineman name) gone for the year, and Williams stifled by the dreaded and unpredictable "high ankle sprain". You could see the difference too, because the running game wasn't even there, all day long.
FIRST DEGREE NEGATIVE: OLB BRIAN ORAKPO - Similar to Williams, I'd like to see Orakpo kick it to the next level. Seems like in addition to constantly being held, offenses are learning the "push him far to the outside barely impeded so that he runs himself out of the play entirely" trick. Maybe it's because Vick and Shady McCoy were fast as fuck, but a lot of times it looked like Orakpo was doing wide sweeps out of position as some tiny dude in a white jersey dashed forward today.
SECOND DEGREE NEGATIVE: QB JOHN BECK - Okay, yes, the Mormon MacGruber era has begun, and not a moment too soon, as Rex Grossman was finally publicly admonished by this coaching staff for being Rex Grossman. But did you see him play? A lot of throws at the knees, like a cheaper Donovan McNabb, and a couple of lofts that seemed lucky weren't gobbled up by defenders, and shaky football protection during QB rushes, and just generally looking uncomfortable and not-so-good back there. Granted, it's still better than Grossman, because at least we don't have a long and storied body of evidence as to how John Beck sucks. But the Mormon MacGruber is not the answer to any question about this team I've had thus far this year. Which brings me to my next point to the negative...
THIRD DEGREE NEGATIVE: HEAD COACH MIKE SHANAHAN - How the fuck do you sit pat with Rex Grossman and John Beck, and actually say you've evaluated them and feel good about it? I mean, come the fuck on. I'll continue to give Mike Shanahan credit, even if I never liked him before he came to Washington, because he is considered smart and all, and I'd like to see him get at least three years to actually build something instead of this constant dismantling of the barely-mantled that is a Dan Snyder trademark. I think they call that impetuousness. Shanahan has made some good strides in this offseason, and I think if one was to stick with what I've said all along and that you don't expect playoffs this year, you hope for improvement, another solid offseason like this one, and then next year we think about contending for the playoffs, that's doable. I will give Shanahan credit and keep holding him to that, but damn man, the QB pantry is looking pretty fucking bare.
FOURTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: CB DEANGELO HALL - I want to like DeAngelo Hall, I really do. But every week he gives you a couple of big plays where he grabs for an INT that ends up being a big reception for the other team, or he slips, or he is outright beaten on a big pass play, or something. Sure, he makes a good play or two here or there that'll hit the highlight reel and you think, "Well, DeAngelo Hall ain't that bad." But he actually is that bad. He's certainly not a good #1 cornerback, and it seems to me I see Josh Wilson chasing dust storms down the sideline less often than I see #23 doing so. So going into this next offseason, where we should be drafting good again and not just signing free agents, we can agree that I've pointed out thus far we need offensive linemen, a QB, and a good top CB. Before I even start thinking about the receiving corps, let's just admit this team is most likely more than one more good draft away from being near a completely competitive team, so perhaps giving Mike Shanahan one more year ain't gonna be enough.
FIFTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: QB REX GROSSMAN - I tried to get hyped up for Gunslinger Eyes, but in the end, he let me down, like I knew he would. The Redskins offense this year has been impotent, like an actual impotent penis, but used the trickeries of darkness and occasionally satisfying cunninlingus skills, plus the usual array of Dan Snyder PR team scented candles, to create a weakly orgasmic mood, where dudes who are actual friends of mine were like, "Yeah man, we're 3-1. This is awesome." But then today the lights got cut on, the offense's jaw got sore, and you realized our gunslinger was just a little dick flopping around in a loose condom. This was bound to end in dissatisfaction.
SIXTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: OC KYLE SHANAHAN - Okay, here is what went through my mind today and made me very uneasy about this whole Shanahan era in Washington. I have always stood by the "give him three years" mantra for Coach Mike. But his son Kyle, the alleged offensive mastermind, was part of the deal as well. It is very obvious that Kyle Shanahan is not an offensive mastermind. Regardless of his lack of ingredients (of which he's had two years to help shop for, including hand-picking Rex Grossman to be his clipboard holder last year, because he "knows the offense"), young Kyle should be able to show something by this point. I mean, maybe the math answer is wrong, but he should be able to pull out a dry erase and show his work and a few appropriate clips and we go like, "Yeah, I can see that. Maybe he's onto something." But nothing. Absolutely nothing, in two years. We are still a shitty, ineffective, and inconsistent offense, that hopes a quick slant by Santana Moss will get us 30 points a game.
So if this team crashes and burns this year, and shows no offensive progress, you would have to think that young Kyle must be held accountable for this. The Sex Cannon was his boy. This was his offense, that vaulted the Houston Texans into historical successes (hahaha). So once it ends up being shit at the end of the year, which I imagine it's going to be, he has to be thrown under the bus. But can old man Mike do that to his boy? And if not, does that mean Mike resigns? Or Dan Snyder dumps the pair of them for like a 3-D hologram of Vince Lombardi created in Hollywood? Are we right back to starting over again in 2012? Will we ever make progress? Will Dan Snyder outlive me? I quit drinking a year ago, but how will the reckless degenerate lifestyle from my teens to about the age of 35 or so shave down my lifespan? Can the American economy continue to crumble in a way that at least makes Snyder sell the team? Am I willing to be homeless and destitute so long as one of the newspapers I cuddle under over a Metro grate makes mention of Snyder filing bankruptcy and selling the Washington Redskins?
I don't fucking know. But realizing how terrible and unaccountable Kyle Shanahan has seem thus far sent me spiraling down this terrible stream of thought. And for as realistic and grounded as I've tried to be about this team this year, it made me scared for the future. And no matter how I've tried to talk others down from stupid talk about playoffs and Grossman being good, I was feeling hopeful for the most part we were going in a better direction. Until today.
SEVENTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: OWNER DAN SNYDER - And all of that is because of this man. If I think about it too hard, I can envision him asking for the resignations of Shanahan & Son, and signing some dumbass free agents, hiring Jon Gruden to coach the team, and all sorts of other stupid Dan Snyder nonsense to continue to ruin my Sunday life. It sucks having spent your whole life becoming emotionally invested in a football team only to have it crushed into nothing by a little wealthy weasel of a human being.

ACCUMULATED INFLUENCES UPON THIS FRANCHISE 2011, BEST TO WORST: MLB London Fletcher (+16), TE Fred Davis (+15), OLB Brian Orakpo (+14), OLB Ryan Kerrigan (+14), S Laron Landry (+9), NT Chris Neild (+8), WR Santana Moss (+7), RB Ryan Torain (+6), TE Chris Cooley (+5), RB Roy Helu (+5), LB Rocky McIntosh (+5), P Sav Rocca (+4), KR/PR Brandon Banks (+4), DC Jim Haslet (+3), WR Anthony Armstrong (+2), CB Josh Wilson (+1), DE Adam Carriker (+1), RB Tim Hightower (even), T Trent Williams (-1), color commentator Sam Huff (-1), QB John Beck (-2), K Graham Gano (-2), S Reed Doughty (-2), HC Mike Shanahan (-3), QB Rex Grossman (-6), T Jammal Brown (-7), CB DeAngelo Hall (-10), OC Kyle Shanahan (-13), and owner Dan Snyder (-18).

Kool-Aid & Gravy

It is a big yearly day for the NFL, as both the first major cuts of the preseason will be made to get rosters trimmed down closer to the regular season limit, and the new version of the Madden game came out. All of this means our usual slow creep, even by the relative standards of this compressed offseason, towards opening day is starting to generate momentum, and by this time next week, we'll all be in a full-on football frenzy, all of us full of hope and optimism for an upward swing in our favorite team's direction, and wishing ill will, tragedy, and failure upon our divisional nemeses.
At the beginning of this preseason, I was encouraged by the fact the Redskins had a solid draft, where they stockpiled seemingly competent bodies at necessary positions, also taking late round flyers on skill position players, and was doubly encouraged when we made no big free agent jersey hawking splashes, and seemed to act sensibly, which is something somewhat alien to me during this dictatorial Snyder regime. But I still was a pessimist, having had my naive heart battered and beaten by the last decade of debacles, knowing that no matter how good it all looked, Mr. Snyder was lurking somewhere behind the scenes. And with him lurking, no matter how many times we are told as Redskins fans that all the little guy wants to do is win, you know his corporate minions - his PR mouthpieces and yes men and right hand retards - lurk as well. And they will need something to do at some point, and whatever it is assigned for them to do, they will do immediately, without thought, and trample upon whatever good has been done. Maybe they'll sue old ladies burdened by medical bills for not paying their season ticket renewal packages. Maybe they'll try to put a local newspaper out of business for talking trash upon Mr. Snyder. Maybe they'll draft a bunch of shitty WRs in the first two rounds of the draft, and none of them will pan out. It's hard to tell, but I knew that something would happen.
Oddly enough, nothing has happened yet. Things have gone well. This team, for only the second time under Dan Snyder, actually looks like a team. (The other time was during Joe Gibbs 2.0, especially after Sean Taylor was murdered. I will not lie, internet people, the day I heard Sean Taylor was shot, I was on vacation with family. And the game after that when the Redskins missed a field goal to beat the Buffalo Bills at the end of regulation, because of a stupid brain fart by Joe Gibbs, I actually was listening in my car on the way home from vacation, my family in a restaurant for dinner, and me alone, and I cried. I cried about the missed field goal, the missed awesomeness of #21, and the missed glory years of B.S. - Before Snyder.) Whatever star power we might still have has been assimilated into a team mentality, which is really refreshing to see. Even at QB, where we basically have nothing in the form of Becks & Rex aka John "the Mormon MacGruber" Beck and Rex "Sex Cannon" Grossman, it has been acceptable. Last preseason game, they alternated two series each, so easily and fluently it almost makes me wonder if Shanahan isn't just going to go like that into the season, alternating QBs during the game, confusing defenses with sheer audacity.
What I am saying here folks is I have drank of the preseason Kool-Aid. It was only three weeks ago when all major sports websites were characterizing the Redskins as a moving train wreck, finally realizing the full ineptitude of Mr. Snyder's leadership, and would be lucky to finish with three wins this season. And nothing has really changed in this team other than how they've played together as a team, for the first time in many years, and that has been notable in their games - beating up on the Steelers and Colts, and hanging tough with the Ravens. Of course, it's all exhibition shim-shammery, and none of this really means shit once the for-real kick-off happens next Thursday night (or on 9/11, against the New York Giants, in an NFL-contrived ceremonial celebration of the seriousness of the 9/11 attacks three days later), but it has made me feel good. I am not cringing at the prospects of a 3-13 season, although I still feel that's entirely possible if things fall apart in the way they tend to fall apart with Mr. Snyder's magic touch on things. But I am excited by this team mentality, and it feels like I am rooting for the Redskins again, not just some asshole from some other team who has come here to pretend we are one step away from winning nine Super Bowls in a row. There is no Deion Sanders/Bruce Smith/Steve Spurrier/Albert Haynesworth/Donovan McNabb/et al on the potential game day roster at this point, and that makes me feel okay with publicly being a Redskins fan again. I do not feel the same shame and embarrassment I have become used to, where you say you were born into this team, much like justifying a genetic deformity on your face. I have drank the Kool-Aid.
I am even okay with John Beck being our QB because, you know, why not? Best case scenario, maybe he's the new Kurt Warner, but for Mormons, and resurrects an obscure career like Football Jesus rising from the crucifixion of failed football experts like Mel Kiper and the like, who wrote this man off for dead because he had not done more in his short time in the NFL. Worst case scenario, he's an inconsistent presence under center and we win and lose games erratically because of his play. Is that so different from Jason Campbell or Patrick Ramsey or the battery of guys who QBed for Spurrier or Jeff George or old Mark Brunell or really anybody who has been our QB for the past 20 years? No, it's not. And all the football talking heads see the same things I'm seeing, and you've heard the quiet consensus football opinion the past week that these Redskins may be better than everybody initially thought. They could compete in the NFC East, and really prove that Shannyhan the Elder is all that pigskin einstein he makes himself out to be.
However - and this is a big however - we as football fans in general, and specifically Redskins fans due to both our own past glories as well as the relentlessly psy-ops-style marketing machine of Mr. Snyder, tend to get delusional as the optimism rises. So let's be clear about one thing right now - this is not a playoff team. Even if they somehow do over-perform and snatch a wild card berth from a more deserving franchise, this is not a playoff team. No one should even be entertaining that idea. But we are in the second year of the Shanahan era, on his self-proclaimed five-year plan, so we should start to see signs of cohesion. Early preseason signs point to just that happening. But that will not translate to on-field success this year, and to think it will is ridiculous and self-depressing psychology. This is the first year in forever where the Redskins are actually rebuilding from the rubble and ashes of Jack Kent Cooke's ownership, which Mr. Snyder dismantled and pissed on almost immediately. Granted, the Skins have not ever said they are rebuilding, and Sexy Rexy was comedically mocked for suggesting the Redskins might win the East this year, but let's be honest... This is a rebuilding year. We are putting the pieces in place for next season, where hopefully another solid draft and another sensible free agency period will further shape a roster, not only at the superstar position, but all the way down to second stringers and through the entire 55-man roster even onto the practice squad. Another year of sensible, long-term team-building will then start to generate some on-field successes and actual hope for Sunday games at Jack Kent Cooke Stadium beyond the first weekend of January.
So what I am saying is anything that happens good this year, when it comes to scoreboard, that should be considered gravy. Whether that means we destroy the Giants on opening day in the NFL's NEVAR FORGET! bowl, but only win three more games all year long, or if it means we actually go 8-8 and look like a real football team, this year should be regarded as gravy. With the way this team has been run and managed the past 15 years, we SHOULD go 3-13. It's what we deserve. You can't ignore very basic football truths like drafting linemen or not wasting precious salary cap resources on huge contracts for guys who don't deliver and not deserve failure every year. Honestly, at this point, we should be the Bengals of the NFC. But for some reason we are not. And from the looks of things, we will hopefully be far from the Bengals of the NFC this year, on the field, and hopefully we'll even kick some asses a few times. Not eke out victories like last year (or really every game we've won the past three years now that I think about it) but actually dominate and kick some asses a few times. But we have to remember that anything we get this year, we probably shouldn't have expected it, and it's all gravy. Sure, it's gravy on top of about fifteen years of pure bullshit, but still, it's nothing but gravy.