More of the same with me (Raven) being the best prognosticator amongst us, far overlooked for contributions to the NFL internettosphere, Neil - though picking well - took a step back due to the stupid Saints, while Mavpa clawed his way barely ahead and Steph took a beating against the spread, which she may or may not get yet, though her threatening emails to me about how stupid the whole thing is and why it doesn't make sense and how men are fucking retards have stopped, so she has either gotten it, gave up, or assumed I'm part of the problem. But here is how everybody did more specifically this past week...
RAVEN - 3-2 on picks (7-3 on the year), won $400, and feel like since my job sucks perhaps taking $800 to Atlantic City might be the smartest move I make all month.
MAVPA - 2-1-1 on picks (3-5-1 on the year), won $100 on the week, and was a simple Giants point away from going 3-1 and almost doubling his money.
NEIL - 3-2 on picks (4-5-1 on the year), but lost $500, because he dropped a grand of fake money on the Saints in a bold move that failed him this week, yet rewarded him last week with his Lions. That is the nature of stupid gambling I guess.
STEPH - 1-4 on picks (4-6 on the year), lost $1000 in fake ACLB money.
So our money going into this week is:
RAVEN - $3200
NEIL - $1600
STEPH - $600
MAVPA - $500
With $100 minimum gambles on five games, including the one featuring your favorite team. Here is this week's packages of picks...
STEPH'S PICKS
Hmmmm, so I didn't do quite so well this week. I think this is my punishment for basing some of my picks on the previous week's scores, which I actually did go back and check. It makes sense to me that if a team lost (and lost badly, Tampa Bay motherfuckers!) they would lose again. Not so much, apparently. My TECHNICAL score thus far: 4-6. My ACTUAL score: 6-4, because I still don't understand this point spread stuff. So all that being said, I shall revert back to just randomly making picks right out of my ass. I am betting $100 on each game, and reserving that last $100 for me to bet next week, just in case I completely bomb out this week.
Lions (-3) over Falcons in Detroit - $100
If I could live in either place, it would be Atlanta, mainly because I'm a Southern girl who likes her sweet tea, and I'm pretty sure that there's no sweet tea in Michigan. Plus, I don't think my charming accent would be appreciated up there. One point for Atlanta being down South, and, Michael Vick doesn't live there anymore, so another point to Atlanta. But, I don't like birds because they have lice and stuff, so minus one point to Atlanta and minus another for me not liking their colors. Back to zero, so my option here is to go with the Motor City. I don't really like their colors, but Lions eat Falcons, right? That makes sense to me.
Dolphins (even) over Broncos in Miami - $100
This a complete girl pick, because I don't know anything about either team. I'm going with the Dolphins because 1) their colors a cuter than the Bronco's ugly ass navy and orange, and 2) because I think dolphins in general are girlier than a bucking bronco. Unless it's some hot Chippendale dancer doing an impersonation. Really, all this reminds me of is the time about ten years ago that I kept forgetting to return the "Any Given Sunday" movie rental and my ex-husband ended up paying a $75.00 late fee. That did not go over well, needless to say. Go, Dolphins! for reminding me that the Miami Sharks cost my ex-husband what must have been a couple months worth of porn allotment.
Titans (-3) over Texans in Tennessee - $100
I like this game because it's like Houston - Houston. Old versus new. I still don't like the Titans, but it's all good because I am still pretending they're the Oilers, and name-wise, Oilers is still a little more rough-necky than Texans. As we all know, I don't like expansion teams, but what I really don't like are throwback uniforms. If they were so goddamn great, why even get rid of them? I don't like throwback anything. Drinks, uniforms, nothing. In fact, I've just decided if I find out a girlfriend of mine sleeps with an old boyfriend, I'm going to call that her "throwback fuck". See, sounds stupid, right? Really, we're just using the term throwback because it sounds whiter than old-school. I think that Tennesse should wear their Oilers uniforms so it really will be a Houston-Houston match up. Let's just take the throwback uniform to a whole new level, is what I have to say.
Bears (even) over Buccaneers at Tampa Bay - $100
winning teams from last week, and I'm still mad at Tampa Bay for fucking winning. Are you kidding me, Tampa Bay? You freaking lost by 30-some points (or maybe 40-some points, I don't know) and then you fucking win last week? Are you kidding me!?!? This is nothing but a spite pick for me. I hope a big old Chicago Bear shits on your little stupid pirate flag, Tampa.
Packers (-8) over Vikings at Minnesota - $100
I knew I would be picking the Packers at some point in this whole affair, and it's an easy pick because a) they won the Super Bowl last year - which I actually did watch, by the way, and b) I think (?) they are undefeated thus far this year. I think, but not sure. Oh, yeah, and the Packers are my boyfriend's team, so I knew right off the bat if I picked someone to win over the Packers and they didn't I would NEVER hear the end of it. Just like I keep talking shit to him about how I keep whooping his ass in Words With Friends, but I won't mention that because he's getting progressively angry about that whole thing, and I have to remember that Christmas is on the approach and I asked for a really nice pair of Dansko clogs (black-patent-leather-love-you-kiss-kiss). The Packers are undefeated, and the Vikings, who I bet perfectly good pretend money on last week, pussed out and lost. Guess who isn't betting on the Vikings this week? That would be me and Chuck Norris. I want to make some kind of threat here about what my boyfriend will not be getting if the Packers lose, but I'm not going to punish myself. In fact, if the Packers win, maybe I'll pick them again next week. Anyway, Go! Pack! Go!
NEIL'S PICKS
Steelers (-3.5) over Cardinals at Arizona - $1000
What the fuck? I feel like I’m missing something here. Yeah, yeah, I know the Steelers haven’t exactly been great shakes this season but fuck, man, I think they can beat the Cardinals by a measly 4 points. I don’t even know what else to say here because this just feels so obvious, which in turn is making me feel like I must be missing something which I guess is what ends up happening to all degenerate gamblers. You end up suspicious and terrified that you’re going to have to blow a giant dude named Leroy in the parking lot behind a strip club in order to make good on your bets. I don’t need to be blowing any dudes in any parking lots but I’m pretty sure that the Steelers will keep that from happening. I have faith in you, James Harrison. Lamar, I don’t want to end up with a dick in my mouth so make sure you sack Kevin Kolb a bunch of times. For me, man. For me.
Packers (-8) over Vikings at Minnesota - $300
Another “What the fuck?” line. I’m pretty sure the Packers could beat the Vikings by 50 if they wanted to. Actually, these first two games are making me even more pissed off at the fucking Saints for blowing that game against the Bucs last week and costing me $1,000 of fake money because that’s fake money I could be using to spread between these two games and therefore end up fake rich and buying a fake island to which I could invite all my enemies, luring them in with tropical beauty and then hunting them naked while riding a giant grizzly bear. Look, it’s my fake island and that’s just how we settle disputes there. But thanks to the Saints fucking up last week I have to settle for buying some cheap ass budget island which I have to share with a bunch of assholes who all pooled their money in and only show up on weekends to listen to Jimmy Buffett, fish and fuck each other under the moon before returning home to their wives on Sunday night. Man, didn’t the Saints know that Christian Ponder was starting this week for the Vikings? Against the fucking Packers? I needed that $1,000 in fake money, man. Fuck you, Drew Brees.
Chiefs (+4) over Raiders at Oakland - $100
I don’t really like making this pick since I am happy the Oakland Raiders appear to be a relevant team once again. After all, they are the team of Kenny Stabler and young Al Davis (who thanks to the sweet mercy of death is now forever young, eternally the warrior spirit who created the modern day NFL and who took no shit from anyone) and I like seeing them do well. But, man, Carson Palmer probably hasn’t thrown a football outside of a backyard BBQ in something like ten months and even when he was regularly throwing footballs around, he was fuckin’ up. Then again, the Chiefs are the Chiefs so what’s a dude to do here? This is more a pick against Carson Palmer than anything else. I predict he’ll do something dumb and the Chiefs will somehow at least keep this one close before Sebastian Janikowski drunkenly kicks a 70 yard field goal as time runs out to give the Raiders a three point victory. But since the line is +4 and not +2.5, I have no choice but to pick the Chiefs. It’s the merest of science.
Browns (-2.5) over Seahawks in Cleveland - $100
Eh, why not? I don’t really like any of these damn games outside of the first two that I picked but if I lose this fake money, I will just rob a stagecoach or something. Or maybe I’ll become a gigolo. Fuck it, maybe I’ll just do that anyway. But I’d probably just get all fucked up and wake up one morning and realize that I accidentally became a Juggalo instead of a Gigolo and nobody needs that. No, I don’t know what I’m talking about either. But fuck it, it’s better than talking about the Browns vs. the Seahawks, isn’t it?
Lions (-3) over Falcons in Detroit - $100
Sure, the Lions are down to a running back depth chart that looks like this - 1. Maurice Morris 2. Roary 3. The Great Willie Young’s old friend Wu Pei 4. Me. And sure, Michael Turner might run for 168,000 yards but fuck you, I’m not picking against my Lions. Not this week. For that is a road fraught with darkness and I am a warrior of light in these strange and troubled times. Besides, I am counting on my boys being fired up and they wouldn’t let me down. We have an understanding ever since I psychically mind-melded with them last December in a last desperate gasp to infuse them with my life-force. That’s right, I psychically engineered the Lions turnaround. They will deny it but that is because they are gentlemen and don’t want me to be hunted by rogue scientists who would otherwise want to steal my big beautiful brain. Wait, I have said too much...
RAVEN'S PICKS
I contemplated sitting on some of my winnings, to save to loan fake money to Steph or Mavpa once they blow what they have left, thinking my fake money could lead to fake sexual favors or fake AR-15s, which would make me King of Neil's fake econo-island, because I'd abduct the tourists and ransom them back to their families for real money, and there'd be no way to stop me because no law enforcement agency has jurisdiction over fake islands. And really, the ultimate goal of fake money is to somehow launder it into real money, isn't it? I mean, any of those get rich quick scams suckers buy into, that's the end goal, although usually you suckers buying those scams is actually the end goal. And basically I just started this entire gambler's roundtable thing because I am trying to prove to a southside Virginia-based affiliate of the old Dixie Mafia, which also ties into the Gypsy Jokers MC, who my uncle used to ride with back in the day before he found Jesus at the bottom of an empty hypodermic needle full of hepatitis, that I am pretty good at this predicting against the spread bullshit, and earn an actual weekly retainer for my services. We're not talking much - a misconception about organized crime is that it's fabulously enriching. Usually it's pretty much like any small business, about one bad deal from failure. America really doesn't do enough to encourage the growth of small businesses, either legal ones or black market economy. It's a shame. But I digress...
Buccaneers (even) over Bears in Tampa Bay - $300
I can understand the whole 99%/1% thing of OWS, because while Steph is hoarding away $100 for next week in case she blows it, I'm sitting pretty and throwing $300 away at a game I don't even feel good about at all. It's nice to be fake successful and act that way, because in real life, I'm a 17th generation piece of shit, which are pretty long genetic and environmental odds to overcome. Thus, I am part of the 99%, and probably always will be. But I am thankful that I am at least better than my dad, and don't do as many stupid things as previous generations, though to be fair, I'm still pretty fucking stupid a lot of the time. Much like the Buccaneers actually, because no matter the uniform change or the one token Super Bowl victory, they are still the Buccaneers, and lack stability. Josh Freeman was supposed to be developing into a budding superstar this year, but has been inconsistent. And honestly, even as a pick 'em game, I am afraid of this pick. Not because the Bears are good, but because neither team is really stable in what they are. But I am figuring the Bucs defense eats up Cutler enough to give the Bucs the lead on pick-6s or at least keep it close enough for Freeman to not fuck up in the end and at least win this fucking game.
Rams (+13) over Cowboys at Dallas - $300
I do not expect anything at all from the Rams, and am simply basing this pick on the fact the Cowboys have played like 11 games in a row decided by 3 points or less, which means they very consistently play up or down to the quality of their opponent. Felix Jones is out, and Tony Romo is Tony Romo, and they consistently play up or down to the quality of their opponent, which means them beating anybody - even the shitty fucking Rams - by two touchdowns seems iffy to slim.
Panthers (-1) over Redskins in Carolina - $100
Sigh. I feel terrible picking against the Redskins yet again, but damn man, there's not much sign of offensive life on this team. You take an already weak offense without the proper skill player ensemble and then bust up two of its starting O-linemen, and what you have is a pretty ugly offense that will stumble for a few points, but never really hit a stride, ever again, unless they are lucky. The defense is good, but like last week against Philly, you can already see they are like, "Man, what the fuck? Doesn't matter what we do, the offense is gonna fuck it up anyways." I mean, they're not outright saying that, but you can tell. This is the most defeated 3-2 team in the history of my recent memory.
Packers (-8) over Vikings at Minnesota - $1000
Much like Neil, I don't even understand how this line exists in this manner. I mean, I get the fact the Vikings have Adrian Peterson, who keeps them relevant almost single-handedly. But Christian Ponder, even if he is better than McNabb (haha... McNabb), is still Christian Ponder. Going against the Packers. Fucking Charles Woodson might end up beating the Vikings by 8 points this weekend. Seriously.
Broncos (even) over Dolphins at Miami - $1500
Tim Tebow Tim Tebow Tim Tebow. I am not a fan of Tim Tebow, from a Tebow perspective, but would like to see him do well in life, if for no other reason than he is a homeschooled kid, as our my own children, and fuck you status quo trusting the govt motherfuckers who think kids should go to organized schools, or have immunizations, or be socialized amongst other humans and not feralized with pigs and goats to be unleashed upon the public as a bane to the status quo's comfort level. Children are the future, and the more you can make your kids crazy and difficult, the more you do to disrupt the system. Of course, the legal system has become more complicated, so you have to have a proper combination of feral activities along with critical thinking development and an understanding of the legal principles used against true freedom fighters like my wife and myself. But we will prevail.
Tebow is a much different type of homeschooler kid though, because we don't believe in your stupid white gods. Tebow is a Jesus fanatic, through and through. But you know what else he is? Just about the best goddamned white "black quarterback" we've ever seen. Seriously. He is white Randall Cunningham. And this is his first start, at a Miami game where they will be honoring his collegiate achievements, with the racist pride of Colorado psychically backing him (which will also be beamed through the EMF rays, because Colorado is home to a lot of that spooky HAARP/NORAD shit, due to Lockheed Martin's ownership of the state, as well as the Air Force's notable presence). There is no fucking way this is not a glorious moment for white people and for Christ-followers. No fucking way. Though this game seemingly means little outside of the Suck for Luck sweepstakes, this will be a very engineered psychic victory for white people who love their white gods of the Christ mythos, who want to feel that though the mandingo stereotypes of the athletic black man with the giant penis who maims Kim Kardashian from ever truly enjoying the company of a pale skin man again can still be overcome by the properly cultivated white genetics line, kept from being polluted by the public at large. And though I disagree with all of that, I am a man who sees the writing on the wall, and is certainly not above making a fake profit off this knowledge. In fact, I was tempted to drop all my other picks to $100 per and put the rest on this game, but I will balance it out across the board, in the case that Tony Dungy and the Black Power branch of the NFL Illuminati make a last second power play behind the scenes and force the NFL to not allow the Air Force to cut on the pro-Tebow HAARP beams on Sunday.
MAVPA'S PICKS
Bears (even) over Buccaneers at Tampa Bay - $100
Classic let down game for the Bucs. The Bears really have made a living off of these kind of games in the Lovie Smith era. I imagine it would be pretty hard to get up for a game when the other team's best player, by far, is their punt returner. I keep hoping the Bears bust back out that awesome fake return with Hester and Johnny Knox again... That actually worked so well that they should have 6 or 7 guys back there pretending to catch punts. Here's also something almost totally unrelated to the game... Buddy Ryan, in Houston, had a play in his playbook called the Polish Defense, where they intentionally had 13 guys on the field. It was specifically to be ran close to the goal line with under 30 seconds left, which the idea being 13 guys could stop 11, they'd get nothing out of the half the distance penalty, and precious time would have been wasted. This is why America doesn't have crazy militant dictators... they coach football.
Steelers (-3.5) over Cardinals at Arizona - $100
I wish there were actual Cardinals fans so I could find out how they felt about the Kevin Kolb trade. Obviously, in comparison to the Raider's trade for Palmer, they did okay, and they did get Fitzgerald to sign an extension too. Still, they clearly learned nothing from the AJ Feeley trade the Eagles pulled on Miami and so they deserve to suffer. Why is the line so low on this anyway? The Cardinals have been terrible...
Raiders (-4) over Chiefs in Oakland - $100
It's too bad Al Davis wasn't still alive to see who he'd have gotten at quarterback. I actually used to travel a lot around the west coast for work, and every time I did I would keep this Raiders jersey in my carry on bag... just in case one day I saw Al Davis at the airport bar or something. Anyone on the face of this Earth was 20 minutes away from being coach of that team if you caught him in the right mood. Randall Cunningham could have had a legitimate shot at taking over even. Instead they made the Bengals look smart, which is never something you want to do. Thankfully, Palmer doesn't know enough of the offense to do much but hand it off, assuming his crippled elbow can still do that right.
Packers (-8) over Vikings at Minnesota - $100
This is one of those games that makes me wish teams would always try to bury their opponent and teach them a lesson like when the Bears beat the Redskins like 77-0 back in like 1912 because of some comments made at the end of their game the previous season. If I were the Packers I would always try to crush the Vikings and let it be known it was because they signed Favre. As much as I think that Minnesota's offense would be better with no quarterback and just a bunch of direct snap plays to Adrian Peterson, having Ponder in is going to limit what they can do... and he's probably gonna get his head bounced off the turf at some point and come out. Oh yeah, I think Jared Allen is on pace to break the sack record too, which is good because Strahan's record is a lie. That is the only way the Vikings can cleanse themselves of Favre's stench... the sack record must fall.
Ravens (-7.5) over Jaguars at Jacksonville - $100
This is the third team I've picked laying points on the road... which is something I think I've heard people who gamble for a lot of money say is something you should never do. But, it also seems like if you gambled all the time, you'd be trying to swerve everyone into betting on the opposite side of you to keep the spread from encroaching on you. But that's not why I picked Baltimore... I picked them because they're good and they always seem to have been good since two years after leaving Cleveland. They really need to investigate the Cleveland area for some kind of contaminant that causes bad decision making. My company is based in Cleveland, and they're run about as well as the Browns. If we just moved to Baltimore and hired a couple of guys from Miami we could turn this ship around.
Showing posts with label watching football and beating women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label watching football and beating women. Show all posts
Friday, October 21, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
ACLB Gambler's Round Table Episode II
Last week's first gambler's roundtable was a fun affair, because I (Raven) did best, the chick still doesn't understand how it works, Neil saved a shitty week by the skin of his Lions, and Mavpa blew it for the most part, and I've not heard from him since, making me wonder if he didn't actually bet real money as well and has disappeared to join some Uzbeki jihad of some sort. But here is how people did last week...
RAVEN - 4-1 on picks, won $1300, and was only a shitty Chargers field goal late away from being perfect, and convincing myself illogically that I actually know what I'm talking about and should take $2000 up to Atlantic City.
STEPH - 3-2 on picks (against the spread - one team she picked to win - New Orleans - won the game, but not against the spread; it was fun trying to explain that), won $100, which doesn't seem right considering how well she did. Her Colts pick kinda fucked her.
NEIL - 1-3-1 on picks (got a push in the Jets/Patriots game), won $600, because he dropped a grand of fake money on the Lions in a bold move of heartfelt pride.
MAVPA - 1-4 on picks, lost $1100 in fake money, has disappeared; hopefully I get picks from him for this week, but not sure.
So our money going into this week is:
RAVEN - $2800
NEIL - $2100
STEPH - $1600
MAVPA - $400
With $100 minimum gambles on five games (four in Mavpa's case), including the one featuring your favorite team. Here is this week's slew of pickages...
STEPH'S PICKS
Well, boys, guess who's feeling pretty good this second week? That's right, yo' girl is. I randomly pulled five picks out of my ass and correctly guessed four of the winners based on nothing at all having to do with the actual science of football. However, Raven says my score is 3-2 because of the numbers in parenthesis. After about 20 emails back and forth with me asking questions and Raven providing increasingly complex answers, I still don't understand that shit. The last email ended with blah blah blah, just trust me. Yeah, like I haven't heard that before. So my TECHNICAL score is 3-2, and my ACTUAL score is 4-1. Since I'm a woman, I will totally discount whatever I don't understand and pretend like it doesn't even matter.
Bengals (-7) over Colts in Cincinnati - $300
Okay, Indianapolis fucked me last week. Literally and and in the gambling sense. I didn't realize that they didn't know how to play football when I threw down that $600 pretend dollars, especially when that's a year's worth of pretend Brazilian wax jobs. I'm going to bet they won't be able to learn this week and I'm going with Cincy. And for the record, I don't like expansion teams. After about 1990. Seriously, that's pretty much my cut-off. If I don't remember them from my childhood and teenage years then they pretty much don't count. So the Bengals squeak by with a couple of decades. Minus one point to the Colts for losing last week, and minus another point for sucking in general and me not knowing that. Plus one point for me sleeping with a guy from Indiana. Minus one point for the Bengals having very possibly the *ugliest* helmet in all of American football, but plus one point for them having the balls to wear it. Plus one more point for the jersey sleeves matching the helmets. Their designer is either gay or a really old lady with a nasty smoker's cough named Boopsie.
Redskins (even) over Eagles in Washington - $100
Of course I'm going to take this bet! It's either win or lose, no strange push gambling or anything. I'm going with the Redskins because I hear they don't suck as much as last year, and because they don't have (wait for it, wait for it) Michael Vick. I'm not a Redskins fan, and maybe if they play Dallas I'll explain why. Or did they already play Dallas this year? I don't fucking know. I was trying to figure out if I could get my boyfriend tickets to see Green Bay at the Eagles, and fuck, they don't play until 2013. I didn't know that you don't play every franchise every year. I thought with all those games every Sunday (early afternoon, mid afternoon and night games), plus Monday night games, each team would play each other team every year. But I feel like it probably doesn't happen like that. They probably wouldn't have that issue if it wasn't for all those fucking expansion teams.
Saints (-4) over Buccaneers at Tampa Bay - $400
Ah, ye old Battle of the Gulf Coast. The one game of the year when it doesn't matter who tries to force who to wear their dark uniform, because all of these boys can get down in a heat index of 300 degrees. I'll go with the Saints because they did me well last weekend (here's looking at you, dear boyfriend, for telling me I didn't know what in the hell I was talking about), and because the Bucs lost by 20-some points (I think). Plus one point for the Saints winning, plus two points for me being able to talk shit to my boyfriend because of it. Minus one point for the Bucs for horrible colors, but plus one point for getting rid of the old shitty logo with the Anglo pirate holding a dagger in his teeth. Plus one point for having Ronde Barber from old Virginny, which kind of offsets (wait for it, wait for it) the Vick brothers. Saints alive, I think they'll do it again this weekend.
Patriots (-7) over Cowboys in New England - $600
I think Dallas sucks this year, and that's from someone who doesn't watch football until this past weekend or unless I am hanging out with my boyfriend, who is awesome, by the way. I don't like the Redskins, but alternately, I don't really like Dallas either. Plus one point for Dallas having probably the most recognizable logo in the United States, and plus one point for having the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, but minus two points for being incredibly over-rated. If everything is bigger in Texas, it certainly applies to the egos down there, too. On the Patriot side, I think I've heard that they've had a good season this year. I just wish the little patriot guy on their helmet wasn't so pointy.
Vikings over Bears (-2.5) at Chicago - $200
I'll make this quick. Plus one point to Minnesota for the purple, plus one more point for having my high school alma mater's exact colors - purple, gold and white. Plus another point for undoubtedly having the manliest moniker in the NFL. Can you be any more manly than a Viking? I think not. I bet they eat raw meat and shit in the locker room right before a game. Kind of like Chuck Norris, who is actually the father of all Vikings. And that's it. I'm done. I'm not even going to offer anything up for the Bears.
NEIL'S PICKS
Saints (-4) over Buccaneers at Tampa Bay - $1000
I’m surprised this line is so low. I know the game is in Tampa but shit, the Buccaneers are kind of a shitty team this year. If you’ll recall, I said this when Raven and I did those team previews but nobody listened to me, just like nobody listened when I tried to warn the world about Hitler in the early ‘30s or about Jonas Salk back in the day. (He knows what he did . . .) Simply put, Tampa Bay is a butt. They just aren’t that good. I mean, it was only a week ago that they got crucified by the 49ers. I can still see Josh Freeman hanging there from that cross, begging his dad to forgive Harbaugh and his boys because they didn’t know what the fuck they were doing. It was terrible, just terrible. See, I totally thought about church on Sunday. Now leave me the fuck alone you Jehovah’s Witnesses, although I did read your latest pamphlet while I was taking a shit. Wait . . . where was I? Oh yeah, the Buccaneers aren’t very good and while I still think there is something slightly off with the Saints, they should still be able to beat the Buccaneers by 4 measly fucking points.
Eagles (even) over Redskins at Washington - $200
Look, I hate making this pick, both because I am rooting for Raven to have joy and success in all of his endeavors, including the football ones, and because, well, fuck the Eagles. But I promised my financial advisor after last week’s shitty Falcons over Packers pick that I would not pick with my heart anymore and my head is telling me that while the Eagles might be finished in the bigger picture, I think that this week they will pull their shit together just enough to get by the Redskins before then freefalling back into the Abyss. I mean, let’s be honest here. The Eagles aren’t going to go 2-14. They’ll win some games and even though my rationale here is suspiciously close to last week’s when I picked the Eagles to beat the Bills, I can’t help it. Perhaps I have been stunned by the Eagles into disbelief. I simply can’t believe that they’re this bad, you know? I mean, bad, yeah. But this bad? Naw, come on now, you’re just fucking with me, right? I don’t know, maybe this is a lousy pick. Shit, I’m almost sure it is now that I think about it but I’ve already said it to the universe and if I take it back now I’ll be accused of being a liar and I won’t have the universe call me a fucking liar. There are principles at stake here.
Ravens (-7.5) over Texans in Baltimore - $100
This is kind of a dangerous pick (read: stupid) until you consider that the Texans have lost both their best offensive player, Andre Johnson and their best defensive player, Mario Williams, for the season. Well, vaya con dios, Houston. I mean, it’s not that the Ravens are a super great team this season or anything but shit, I think they’ll be able to take advantage of a Texans team that’s had its heart ripped out, you know? Yeah, the Texans might be able to run the ball a bit but that will probably end about the 40th time that Ray Lewis howls incomprehensible gibberish and digs out whatever’s left of Arian Foster’s soupy brains with a spoon. Shit, you know what? This is another pick I don’t really like. The line feels just a touch too high and Baltimore’s offense is kind of a fuck-up offense and I could see them only winning by, like, 3. Still, the Texans season just rode off on its spirit horse last week and they might be ripe for an ass-kicking for a week or two before they stop moping around and get their shit together. At least that’s what I’m counting on here.
Raiders (-5.5) over Browns in Oakland - $500
The Raiders finally feel like a team that’s getting their Raiderness back if that makes any sense. I’m guessing Al Davis was just hanging on to make sure this would happen so he could then die in peace. He wasn’t going to go out with his beloved boys flailing around like a bunch of pussified jackasses. No sir. He wanted to see a glimmer of the old fire and then when he saw it, he hit the eject button on life and his spirit flew out of that cockpit and straight into Valhalla. Meanwhile, the Browns are what they always are: ass. And the Klan’s favored son, Peyton Hillis, has revealed himself to be, as Socrates would say, a bit of a bitch. I mean, there’s holding out because you want to be able to afford the good nursing home when your brain turns to pudding at the age of 45 and there’s pussy-footing around and acting like a goddamn prima-donna just because you want to leverage the fact that a bunch of white hooded mongrels are jacking off to your Madden cover into an extra sack of blood money, which is what Hillis is currently doing. His teammates see that and they aren’t going to go all out for a turd like that. I’m picking the Raiders because it’s the right thing to do, both intellectually and morally, and if I am anything, it is an intellectual moralist or perhaps I am a moral intellectual. Who is to say?
Lions (-4.5) over 49ers in Detroit - $300
I’m going to be honest here: I hate this pick. This just feels like a game that the Lions might lose, not because they secretly suck or anything but because the conditions just feel right for it to happen. They’re coming off a huge emotional high and I can see them playing flat as hell this week. I mean, it’s just human nature, you know? There’s no way they will be able to match the intensity of Monday night. Which is another reason why I don’t like this pick – they had one less day to recover and prepare for the 49ers which makes at least a small difference, you know? On the other hand, the 49ers seem like they’re peaking, don’t they? They just destroyed the Buccaneers and Jimmy Harbaugh has them buying into whatever crazed bullshit he is selling. So why am I picking the Lions? Because fuck you, that’s why. This is my team and I’ll be damned if I’m going to psychically poison them by picking against them. That shit just isn’t going to happen. Also, fuck the 49ers and fuck Jim Harbaugh. He broke my heart back in January and although Brady Hoke is working out pretty damn well, Jimmy turned his back on family and I can’t forgive that. Not yet, anyway. I am counting on The Great Willie Young to be my personal tool of vengeance this week, and while it may be foolish for any man to try to harness the power of The Great Willie Young for personal gain, you forget, I am more human than human and Willie and I understand one another, just like all the greats do. Fuck you, Jim.
MAVPA'S PICKS
Giants (-3) over Bills in New York - $100
Super Bowl 25 rematch game... I've always wondered how Bills fans by in large feel about losing all those Super Bowls in a row. Like, if you could select a panel of like 25 hard core fans, and in 1990 show them what the next 4 years would hold, if they'd rather just not make it at all. It really is too bad they didn't win all four though, because if the NFL went in the model the Bills had established instead of what the Cowboys built, it'd be a lot more exciting a game today. I still think one day the giant offensive lineman will be a thing of the past, and they'll get back to 260 pound dudes lighting up safeties 30 yards down the field... anyway, I still don't buy the Bills this year, and the Giants just loss to Seattle... Tom Coughlin seems like the kind of dude who would murder a homeless guy after a loss like that, and then go home and yell at his family to go to church while he stays home and watches porn.
Falcons (-4) over Panthers in Atlanta - $100
Matt Ryan is still good, right? Isn't Michael Turner a top running back? Did Roddy White regress to his early days when he couldn't catch Mike Vick's wild overthrows? It really seems like they should be scoring a shit load of points and Matt Ryan should be the one throwing for 400 yards every week. But, usually when things seem like they should be that way, they eventually go that way... or the coach gets fired and for some reason Eric Mangini gets involved, and then it really goes bad for everyone.
Eagles (even) over Redskins at Washington - $100
The Eagles defense is so shitty in almost every way, but the one thing that links it all together is the coaching. No one on the team seems to ever be in the right place, or know what plays they're supposed to be on the field and what their assignment is. It ends up with 3 dudes covering the goal post while someone catches a pass at the goal line. Juan Castillo sounds like a pretty broken man too. Before the season, he'd be on the radio here and he sounded like some kind of crazy cartel leader who would burn down the other team's houses before the game to get a mental edge... now he just kind of mumbles... and if there were a team smart enough to just come out and drop 42 points in the first half on them running a no huddle, he'd end up in a wheelchair banging a bell like the guy in Breaking Bad. Thankfully for the Eagles, they play a team that put their faith in Rex Grossman... and soon he'll waste the outstanding play of their defense just like he did in Chicago. Hopefully, Vince Young comes in to lead the Eagles to victory too.
Vikings over Bears (-2.5) at Chicago - $100
This is one of those games that makes me wish I really played fantasy football... and drafted first overall so I'd have Adrian Peterson. The Bears have become one of those teams that needs to just blow the whole thing up, or they'll always gonna go through the same cycle of being right around 9-7 for 2 years, then having a year where they win more games than they should before losing in the playoffs at home. As a Bears fan, I don't even believe in the concept of home field advantage anymore. I know there's a way to look this up, but I bet they have a better road record than home in the playoffs, and I bet it's not even close. The biggest problem is that the Bears is that they're not even very entertaining to watch right now. Their best play of the season was that crazy fake punt return, and that got called back on a shitty holding call. You take that away and it's just boring and bad football. I think they benched both their starting safeties this week too, which should lead to another 80 yard plus touchdown run or two. You know, they coulda beat the Colts that year but Rex Grossman fucking buried them. He really doesn't get enough blame for that shit. He fumbled like 4 snaps in that game. If it wasn't for him, Peyton Manning never would have won a Super Bowl... and I think that would make everyone happy.
RAVEN'S PICKS
I like how nobody ever does just the minimum when we have it, just betting all our fake money to let our fake reputations ride. I shall follow suit because fuck it, I blow through real money like it ain't no thing, so why would I treat fake money any differently?
Cowboys over Patriots (-7) at New England - $200
This line seems ridiculous to me. The Patriots defense, especially their secondary, is as susceptible as any one in the NFL. Romo has had a week to hear people talk about what a fuck-up he is, so he can switch back to on in his on-again, off-again career. This will be the game where he bobbles some snaps in the shotgun, and throws a stupid INT, but ultimately somehow salvages the game. Also the Cowboys have played like 39 games in a row decided by less than 3 points. Also they had a week off. Also the Patriots are overrated because if it gets into a gunslinging showdown between Monsieur Brady and Romo the Homo, I'm gonna bet on the Cowboys defense being more belligerent than the Pats defense, all day, every day. All of these alsos lead me to wonder how the fuck there's such a large line on this game in favor of the Patriots? No way they win by that much, and I'd actually be shocked if they even win the game.
Saints (-4) over Buccaneers at Tampa Bay - $600
At this point in the season, many teams are still coasting on their preseason reputations, with what they've actually shown during actual games thus far being sort of discredited because everybody refuses to believe what they see. The Buccaneers are one of the better examples of this. They almost lost to a dilapidated Colts team in Tampa, then got crushed by the 49ers, who are NFC West good, but not NFL good. Josh Freeman's rising star seems to have stagnated, and the Saints offense is actually like the best it's ever been, even compared to their Super Bowl year. They will crush these fucking Buccaneers.
Ravens (-7.5) over Texans in Baltimore - $1200
The Texans have not looked as remarkable as everyone thought, and have been crippled by injuries, including their offensive and defensive centerpieces in Andre Johnson and Mario Williams in the past two weeks. Joe Flacco is actually a fairly mediocre QB, but he has his moments, and I can't see the Texans have enough of a team left to combat the Ravens defense, and usually when the Ravens defense becomes a soul-crusher, that's when Flacco has his moments. And just so everybody is clear on this, the Houston Texans will always be the Houston Texans. They are a doomed team from birth. They will never be good, so stop trying to jump on that bandwagon every year.
Colts over Bengals (-7) at Cincinnati - $600
Poor Curtis Painter. Nobody told him that he's supposed to suck more than Kerry Collins so that the Colts can get Andrew Luck as an insurance policy against Peyton Manning's experimental European embryonic treatments to his broke neck not working. Curtis Painter is actually trying still. The Colts aren't that good, but Painter to Pierre Garcon has become a thing that is happening, and the Colts have played everybody tough, sort of just barely playing up to their competition for the most part. They ain't winning, but they're close. The Bengals are also still the Bengals, no matter how good Andy Dalton has looked thus far. They lack the bloodthirsty killer instinct of a respectable football franchise, and will not blow anybody away, ever. All this being said, there is no fucking way the Colts lose by more than a TD against these Cincinnati Bengals. They'll probably lose, yes, but it'll be an ugly and close game, and nobody will care, but still people will gamble on it, because we are a nation of degenerates, no?
Eagles (even) over Redskins at Washington - $200
I have been looking towards this game with dread all week. My Redskins friends actually seem excited, as if the bye week made us forget how shitty Rex Grossman looked at times in both the Cowboys and Rams games. We have focused on the 3-1 record and ignored the glaring realities of actual games. Plus, there is the Eagles/Redskins game from November - a home game for the Skins - where the black Mike Vick went all Madden '11 on a Redskins defense and left them laying there wondering what the fuck happened. Seriously, towards the end, Albert Haynesworth was just laying on the ground waiting for Vick to finish a play, but also of note is how on the first play, Laron Landry was left laying flat-chested against the turf watching DeSean Jackson high-step towards six points about 11 seconds into the game.
I feel terrible about this game, and may actually just take my children to a collegiate women's soccer game instead, so I don't even have to watch it. I am so afraid. Sure, our defense is looking tough, but I have not seen quotes from Redskins World where players seem to be on the "we've got a lot of things still to improve, it's a work in progress, so we're happy to be where we are" type quotables I'd like to see. Instead it's talk of validation and how they are a playoff contender. No one is a bonafide playoff contender in October. You cannot even begin to delude yourself with such things until November, because then you're halfway through the season, and maybe it's true. I see motherfuckers throwing out "the Redskins have a 44.2% chance of making the playoffs," and I think to myself, "Shut up calculator brains, football is about punching people and knocking them out, not calculating bullshit, and this Redskins team has not knocked out a single fucking thing yet." So with that in mind, I pick against the team that fills my heart with hatred and frustration, yet hope and delusion. I hope to the Football Gods that they do knock somebody out, preferably the black Mike Vick, and hopefully the entity that is the Philadelphia Eagles 2011 Dream Season, but I do not feel good about that happening. Therefore my fake money is against my heart's delusional hopes, and I will hide from the TV on Sunday afternoon and hope my robotphone blip bloops good news to me around 4:30 pm.
RAVEN - 4-1 on picks, won $1300, and was only a shitty Chargers field goal late away from being perfect, and convincing myself illogically that I actually know what I'm talking about and should take $2000 up to Atlantic City.
STEPH - 3-2 on picks (against the spread - one team she picked to win - New Orleans - won the game, but not against the spread; it was fun trying to explain that), won $100, which doesn't seem right considering how well she did. Her Colts pick kinda fucked her.
NEIL - 1-3-1 on picks (got a push in the Jets/Patriots game), won $600, because he dropped a grand of fake money on the Lions in a bold move of heartfelt pride.
MAVPA - 1-4 on picks, lost $1100 in fake money, has disappeared; hopefully I get picks from him for this week, but not sure.
So our money going into this week is:
RAVEN - $2800
NEIL - $2100
STEPH - $1600
MAVPA - $400
With $100 minimum gambles on five games (four in Mavpa's case), including the one featuring your favorite team. Here is this week's slew of pickages...
STEPH'S PICKS
Well, boys, guess who's feeling pretty good this second week? That's right, yo' girl is. I randomly pulled five picks out of my ass and correctly guessed four of the winners based on nothing at all having to do with the actual science of football. However, Raven says my score is 3-2 because of the numbers in parenthesis. After about 20 emails back and forth with me asking questions and Raven providing increasingly complex answers, I still don't understand that shit. The last email ended with blah blah blah, just trust me. Yeah, like I haven't heard that before. So my TECHNICAL score is 3-2, and my ACTUAL score is 4-1. Since I'm a woman, I will totally discount whatever I don't understand and pretend like it doesn't even matter.
Bengals (-7) over Colts in Cincinnati - $300
Okay, Indianapolis fucked me last week. Literally and and in the gambling sense. I didn't realize that they didn't know how to play football when I threw down that $600 pretend dollars, especially when that's a year's worth of pretend Brazilian wax jobs. I'm going to bet they won't be able to learn this week and I'm going with Cincy. And for the record, I don't like expansion teams. After about 1990. Seriously, that's pretty much my cut-off. If I don't remember them from my childhood and teenage years then they pretty much don't count. So the Bengals squeak by with a couple of decades. Minus one point to the Colts for losing last week, and minus another point for sucking in general and me not knowing that. Plus one point for me sleeping with a guy from Indiana. Minus one point for the Bengals having very possibly the *ugliest* helmet in all of American football, but plus one point for them having the balls to wear it. Plus one more point for the jersey sleeves matching the helmets. Their designer is either gay or a really old lady with a nasty smoker's cough named Boopsie.
Redskins (even) over Eagles in Washington - $100
Of course I'm going to take this bet! It's either win or lose, no strange push gambling or anything. I'm going with the Redskins because I hear they don't suck as much as last year, and because they don't have (wait for it, wait for it) Michael Vick. I'm not a Redskins fan, and maybe if they play Dallas I'll explain why. Or did they already play Dallas this year? I don't fucking know. I was trying to figure out if I could get my boyfriend tickets to see Green Bay at the Eagles, and fuck, they don't play until 2013. I didn't know that you don't play every franchise every year. I thought with all those games every Sunday (early afternoon, mid afternoon and night games), plus Monday night games, each team would play each other team every year. But I feel like it probably doesn't happen like that. They probably wouldn't have that issue if it wasn't for all those fucking expansion teams.
Saints (-4) over Buccaneers at Tampa Bay - $400
Ah, ye old Battle of the Gulf Coast. The one game of the year when it doesn't matter who tries to force who to wear their dark uniform, because all of these boys can get down in a heat index of 300 degrees. I'll go with the Saints because they did me well last weekend (here's looking at you, dear boyfriend, for telling me I didn't know what in the hell I was talking about), and because the Bucs lost by 20-some points (I think). Plus one point for the Saints winning, plus two points for me being able to talk shit to my boyfriend because of it. Minus one point for the Bucs for horrible colors, but plus one point for getting rid of the old shitty logo with the Anglo pirate holding a dagger in his teeth. Plus one point for having Ronde Barber from old Virginny, which kind of offsets (wait for it, wait for it) the Vick brothers. Saints alive, I think they'll do it again this weekend.
Patriots (-7) over Cowboys in New England - $600
I think Dallas sucks this year, and that's from someone who doesn't watch football until this past weekend or unless I am hanging out with my boyfriend, who is awesome, by the way. I don't like the Redskins, but alternately, I don't really like Dallas either. Plus one point for Dallas having probably the most recognizable logo in the United States, and plus one point for having the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, but minus two points for being incredibly over-rated. If everything is bigger in Texas, it certainly applies to the egos down there, too. On the Patriot side, I think I've heard that they've had a good season this year. I just wish the little patriot guy on their helmet wasn't so pointy.
Vikings over Bears (-2.5) at Chicago - $200
I'll make this quick. Plus one point to Minnesota for the purple, plus one more point for having my high school alma mater's exact colors - purple, gold and white. Plus another point for undoubtedly having the manliest moniker in the NFL. Can you be any more manly than a Viking? I think not. I bet they eat raw meat and shit in the locker room right before a game. Kind of like Chuck Norris, who is actually the father of all Vikings. And that's it. I'm done. I'm not even going to offer anything up for the Bears.
NEIL'S PICKS
Saints (-4) over Buccaneers at Tampa Bay - $1000
I’m surprised this line is so low. I know the game is in Tampa but shit, the Buccaneers are kind of a shitty team this year. If you’ll recall, I said this when Raven and I did those team previews but nobody listened to me, just like nobody listened when I tried to warn the world about Hitler in the early ‘30s or about Jonas Salk back in the day. (He knows what he did . . .) Simply put, Tampa Bay is a butt. They just aren’t that good. I mean, it was only a week ago that they got crucified by the 49ers. I can still see Josh Freeman hanging there from that cross, begging his dad to forgive Harbaugh and his boys because they didn’t know what the fuck they were doing. It was terrible, just terrible. See, I totally thought about church on Sunday. Now leave me the fuck alone you Jehovah’s Witnesses, although I did read your latest pamphlet while I was taking a shit. Wait . . . where was I? Oh yeah, the Buccaneers aren’t very good and while I still think there is something slightly off with the Saints, they should still be able to beat the Buccaneers by 4 measly fucking points.
Eagles (even) over Redskins at Washington - $200
Look, I hate making this pick, both because I am rooting for Raven to have joy and success in all of his endeavors, including the football ones, and because, well, fuck the Eagles. But I promised my financial advisor after last week’s shitty Falcons over Packers pick that I would not pick with my heart anymore and my head is telling me that while the Eagles might be finished in the bigger picture, I think that this week they will pull their shit together just enough to get by the Redskins before then freefalling back into the Abyss. I mean, let’s be honest here. The Eagles aren’t going to go 2-14. They’ll win some games and even though my rationale here is suspiciously close to last week’s when I picked the Eagles to beat the Bills, I can’t help it. Perhaps I have been stunned by the Eagles into disbelief. I simply can’t believe that they’re this bad, you know? I mean, bad, yeah. But this bad? Naw, come on now, you’re just fucking with me, right? I don’t know, maybe this is a lousy pick. Shit, I’m almost sure it is now that I think about it but I’ve already said it to the universe and if I take it back now I’ll be accused of being a liar and I won’t have the universe call me a fucking liar. There are principles at stake here.
Ravens (-7.5) over Texans in Baltimore - $100
This is kind of a dangerous pick (read: stupid) until you consider that the Texans have lost both their best offensive player, Andre Johnson and their best defensive player, Mario Williams, for the season. Well, vaya con dios, Houston. I mean, it’s not that the Ravens are a super great team this season or anything but shit, I think they’ll be able to take advantage of a Texans team that’s had its heart ripped out, you know? Yeah, the Texans might be able to run the ball a bit but that will probably end about the 40th time that Ray Lewis howls incomprehensible gibberish and digs out whatever’s left of Arian Foster’s soupy brains with a spoon. Shit, you know what? This is another pick I don’t really like. The line feels just a touch too high and Baltimore’s offense is kind of a fuck-up offense and I could see them only winning by, like, 3. Still, the Texans season just rode off on its spirit horse last week and they might be ripe for an ass-kicking for a week or two before they stop moping around and get their shit together. At least that’s what I’m counting on here.
Raiders (-5.5) over Browns in Oakland - $500
The Raiders finally feel like a team that’s getting their Raiderness back if that makes any sense. I’m guessing Al Davis was just hanging on to make sure this would happen so he could then die in peace. He wasn’t going to go out with his beloved boys flailing around like a bunch of pussified jackasses. No sir. He wanted to see a glimmer of the old fire and then when he saw it, he hit the eject button on life and his spirit flew out of that cockpit and straight into Valhalla. Meanwhile, the Browns are what they always are: ass. And the Klan’s favored son, Peyton Hillis, has revealed himself to be, as Socrates would say, a bit of a bitch. I mean, there’s holding out because you want to be able to afford the good nursing home when your brain turns to pudding at the age of 45 and there’s pussy-footing around and acting like a goddamn prima-donna just because you want to leverage the fact that a bunch of white hooded mongrels are jacking off to your Madden cover into an extra sack of blood money, which is what Hillis is currently doing. His teammates see that and they aren’t going to go all out for a turd like that. I’m picking the Raiders because it’s the right thing to do, both intellectually and morally, and if I am anything, it is an intellectual moralist or perhaps I am a moral intellectual. Who is to say?
Lions (-4.5) over 49ers in Detroit - $300
I’m going to be honest here: I hate this pick. This just feels like a game that the Lions might lose, not because they secretly suck or anything but because the conditions just feel right for it to happen. They’re coming off a huge emotional high and I can see them playing flat as hell this week. I mean, it’s just human nature, you know? There’s no way they will be able to match the intensity of Monday night. Which is another reason why I don’t like this pick – they had one less day to recover and prepare for the 49ers which makes at least a small difference, you know? On the other hand, the 49ers seem like they’re peaking, don’t they? They just destroyed the Buccaneers and Jimmy Harbaugh has them buying into whatever crazed bullshit he is selling. So why am I picking the Lions? Because fuck you, that’s why. This is my team and I’ll be damned if I’m going to psychically poison them by picking against them. That shit just isn’t going to happen. Also, fuck the 49ers and fuck Jim Harbaugh. He broke my heart back in January and although Brady Hoke is working out pretty damn well, Jimmy turned his back on family and I can’t forgive that. Not yet, anyway. I am counting on The Great Willie Young to be my personal tool of vengeance this week, and while it may be foolish for any man to try to harness the power of The Great Willie Young for personal gain, you forget, I am more human than human and Willie and I understand one another, just like all the greats do. Fuck you, Jim.
MAVPA'S PICKS
Giants (-3) over Bills in New York - $100
Super Bowl 25 rematch game... I've always wondered how Bills fans by in large feel about losing all those Super Bowls in a row. Like, if you could select a panel of like 25 hard core fans, and in 1990 show them what the next 4 years would hold, if they'd rather just not make it at all. It really is too bad they didn't win all four though, because if the NFL went in the model the Bills had established instead of what the Cowboys built, it'd be a lot more exciting a game today. I still think one day the giant offensive lineman will be a thing of the past, and they'll get back to 260 pound dudes lighting up safeties 30 yards down the field... anyway, I still don't buy the Bills this year, and the Giants just loss to Seattle... Tom Coughlin seems like the kind of dude who would murder a homeless guy after a loss like that, and then go home and yell at his family to go to church while he stays home and watches porn.
Falcons (-4) over Panthers in Atlanta - $100
Matt Ryan is still good, right? Isn't Michael Turner a top running back? Did Roddy White regress to his early days when he couldn't catch Mike Vick's wild overthrows? It really seems like they should be scoring a shit load of points and Matt Ryan should be the one throwing for 400 yards every week. But, usually when things seem like they should be that way, they eventually go that way... or the coach gets fired and for some reason Eric Mangini gets involved, and then it really goes bad for everyone.
Eagles (even) over Redskins at Washington - $100
The Eagles defense is so shitty in almost every way, but the one thing that links it all together is the coaching. No one on the team seems to ever be in the right place, or know what plays they're supposed to be on the field and what their assignment is. It ends up with 3 dudes covering the goal post while someone catches a pass at the goal line. Juan Castillo sounds like a pretty broken man too. Before the season, he'd be on the radio here and he sounded like some kind of crazy cartel leader who would burn down the other team's houses before the game to get a mental edge... now he just kind of mumbles... and if there were a team smart enough to just come out and drop 42 points in the first half on them running a no huddle, he'd end up in a wheelchair banging a bell like the guy in Breaking Bad. Thankfully for the Eagles, they play a team that put their faith in Rex Grossman... and soon he'll waste the outstanding play of their defense just like he did in Chicago. Hopefully, Vince Young comes in to lead the Eagles to victory too.
Vikings over Bears (-2.5) at Chicago - $100
This is one of those games that makes me wish I really played fantasy football... and drafted first overall so I'd have Adrian Peterson. The Bears have become one of those teams that needs to just blow the whole thing up, or they'll always gonna go through the same cycle of being right around 9-7 for 2 years, then having a year where they win more games than they should before losing in the playoffs at home. As a Bears fan, I don't even believe in the concept of home field advantage anymore. I know there's a way to look this up, but I bet they have a better road record than home in the playoffs, and I bet it's not even close. The biggest problem is that the Bears is that they're not even very entertaining to watch right now. Their best play of the season was that crazy fake punt return, and that got called back on a shitty holding call. You take that away and it's just boring and bad football. I think they benched both their starting safeties this week too, which should lead to another 80 yard plus touchdown run or two. You know, they coulda beat the Colts that year but Rex Grossman fucking buried them. He really doesn't get enough blame for that shit. He fumbled like 4 snaps in that game. If it wasn't for him, Peyton Manning never would have won a Super Bowl... and I think that would make everyone happy.
RAVEN'S PICKS
I like how nobody ever does just the minimum when we have it, just betting all our fake money to let our fake reputations ride. I shall follow suit because fuck it, I blow through real money like it ain't no thing, so why would I treat fake money any differently?
Cowboys over Patriots (-7) at New England - $200
This line seems ridiculous to me. The Patriots defense, especially their secondary, is as susceptible as any one in the NFL. Romo has had a week to hear people talk about what a fuck-up he is, so he can switch back to on in his on-again, off-again career. This will be the game where he bobbles some snaps in the shotgun, and throws a stupid INT, but ultimately somehow salvages the game. Also the Cowboys have played like 39 games in a row decided by less than 3 points. Also they had a week off. Also the Patriots are overrated because if it gets into a gunslinging showdown between Monsieur Brady and Romo the Homo, I'm gonna bet on the Cowboys defense being more belligerent than the Pats defense, all day, every day. All of these alsos lead me to wonder how the fuck there's such a large line on this game in favor of the Patriots? No way they win by that much, and I'd actually be shocked if they even win the game.
Saints (-4) over Buccaneers at Tampa Bay - $600
At this point in the season, many teams are still coasting on their preseason reputations, with what they've actually shown during actual games thus far being sort of discredited because everybody refuses to believe what they see. The Buccaneers are one of the better examples of this. They almost lost to a dilapidated Colts team in Tampa, then got crushed by the 49ers, who are NFC West good, but not NFL good. Josh Freeman's rising star seems to have stagnated, and the Saints offense is actually like the best it's ever been, even compared to their Super Bowl year. They will crush these fucking Buccaneers.
Ravens (-7.5) over Texans in Baltimore - $1200
The Texans have not looked as remarkable as everyone thought, and have been crippled by injuries, including their offensive and defensive centerpieces in Andre Johnson and Mario Williams in the past two weeks. Joe Flacco is actually a fairly mediocre QB, but he has his moments, and I can't see the Texans have enough of a team left to combat the Ravens defense, and usually when the Ravens defense becomes a soul-crusher, that's when Flacco has his moments. And just so everybody is clear on this, the Houston Texans will always be the Houston Texans. They are a doomed team from birth. They will never be good, so stop trying to jump on that bandwagon every year.
Colts over Bengals (-7) at Cincinnati - $600
Poor Curtis Painter. Nobody told him that he's supposed to suck more than Kerry Collins so that the Colts can get Andrew Luck as an insurance policy against Peyton Manning's experimental European embryonic treatments to his broke neck not working. Curtis Painter is actually trying still. The Colts aren't that good, but Painter to Pierre Garcon has become a thing that is happening, and the Colts have played everybody tough, sort of just barely playing up to their competition for the most part. They ain't winning, but they're close. The Bengals are also still the Bengals, no matter how good Andy Dalton has looked thus far. They lack the bloodthirsty killer instinct of a respectable football franchise, and will not blow anybody away, ever. All this being said, there is no fucking way the Colts lose by more than a TD against these Cincinnati Bengals. They'll probably lose, yes, but it'll be an ugly and close game, and nobody will care, but still people will gamble on it, because we are a nation of degenerates, no?
Eagles (even) over Redskins at Washington - $200
I have been looking towards this game with dread all week. My Redskins friends actually seem excited, as if the bye week made us forget how shitty Rex Grossman looked at times in both the Cowboys and Rams games. We have focused on the 3-1 record and ignored the glaring realities of actual games. Plus, there is the Eagles/Redskins game from November - a home game for the Skins - where the black Mike Vick went all Madden '11 on a Redskins defense and left them laying there wondering what the fuck happened. Seriously, towards the end, Albert Haynesworth was just laying on the ground waiting for Vick to finish a play, but also of note is how on the first play, Laron Landry was left laying flat-chested against the turf watching DeSean Jackson high-step towards six points about 11 seconds into the game.
I feel terrible about this game, and may actually just take my children to a collegiate women's soccer game instead, so I don't even have to watch it. I am so afraid. Sure, our defense is looking tough, but I have not seen quotes from Redskins World where players seem to be on the "we've got a lot of things still to improve, it's a work in progress, so we're happy to be where we are" type quotables I'd like to see. Instead it's talk of validation and how they are a playoff contender. No one is a bonafide playoff contender in October. You cannot even begin to delude yourself with such things until November, because then you're halfway through the season, and maybe it's true. I see motherfuckers throwing out "the Redskins have a 44.2% chance of making the playoffs," and I think to myself, "Shut up calculator brains, football is about punching people and knocking them out, not calculating bullshit, and this Redskins team has not knocked out a single fucking thing yet." So with that in mind, I pick against the team that fills my heart with hatred and frustration, yet hope and delusion. I hope to the Football Gods that they do knock somebody out, preferably the black Mike Vick, and hopefully the entity that is the Philadelphia Eagles 2011 Dream Season, but I do not feel good about that happening. Therefore my fake money is against my heart's delusional hopes, and I will hide from the TV on Sunday afternoon and hope my robotphone blip bloops good news to me around 4:30 pm.
Friday, October 7, 2011
ACLB Money-Burnin' Round Table
Welcome to our new feature at Armchair Linebacker, designed specifically to attract the goodwill of degenerate gamblers and Russian spambot machines - The ACLB Money-Burnin' Round Table, where our crack staff of people willing to actually do it make picks against the spread for the coming NFL weekend. However, unlike most picking experts, who will just make a pick and then be like, "5-2 against the spread! Man, I'm awesome, check out this useless pick for this week!" - we are going to do it a different way. Each of our four peoples is going to start out with $1500 in imaginary money that they'll gamble on their picks, and then we'll accumulate or deplete our credibility accordingly over the course of the weeks. If someone goes broke, then I guess we'll replace them, or take them out in the desert and bury them to their heads and pretend the $1500 was real and we want our money, or something. I don't know. We'll burn that bridge when we cross it.
Each person is expected to pick the game featuring their favorite team, when applicable. (Obviously, bye weeks take that off the table, and one of our pickers doesn't even like football, so there's also that.) They also have to bet a $100 minimum per pick, and don't necessarily have to bet it all each week, though all four of us did, because real money is fairly fake and easy to waste on stupid shit, so fake money which is extremely fake is even easier to toss around skitter fritter.
Here is our staff of picking people:
MAVPA - Bears fan living in the midst of Eagles country, with connections to Eastern Bloc "freemen" organizations, and former semi-pro misunderstood coaching genius.
NEIL - Lions fan, heart & soul of ACLB, and bastard child of Hunter S. Thompson's older sister and Willie Young's uncle.
STEPH - Childhood sweetheart of Raven, natural born bitch, not even a fan of football though has a daughter playing pee wee league. Also has her own blog.
RAVEN - Redskins fan, psychic degenerate, and William B. Cooper-style exposer of the NFL Illuminati.
So monetary standings at this point, obviously are:
MAVPA - $1500
NEIL - $1500
STEPH - $1500
RAVEN - $1500
And let's get to the picks...
MAVPA'S PICKS
Eagles (-1.5) over Bills at Buffalo - $750
I live in Philadelphia, but have grown to hate the Eagles. I actually liked them when I lived in Chicago, mostly because of the Buddy Ryan connection, but also because Randall Cunningham seemed to be everything that football should be. But since then, things have soured... and not just because they signed Michael Vick. I really wouldn't care if they found out Jim McMahon was murdering homeless people every night and feeding them to the Fridge. On a kick ass side note though, this straight off the boat kid from Ukraine I met thought that Michael Vick was fighting the dogs himself, and because he'd beaten them so badly in these fights, he would be an awesome football player. I actually met Michael Vick once and he couldn't beat a dog of any kind in a fight... but he will beat up on the Bills pretty good, and both these teams will start getting back to what everyone thought they were gonna do before the season.
Jaguars (-1) over Bengals in Jacksonville - $100
It's hard to even fathom how bad the Bengals have been historically. I know there are bad owners in sports, but at least a lot of times those guys make some kind of effort, whereas there's at least a chance something will work out. The Bengals let David Shula hang around for like 5 years and he didn't win 20 games. That's incredible. I've never actually bet a Bengals fan in my life, but I can't imagine what they even do for football season down there. It's a good thing Tennessee got a team so all those poor bastards in Kentucky can at least have some moderately accurate geographical allegiance. If I had the resources, I would map out the entire country based on geographical sports allegiance. I would also make anyone who's allegiance varied from city to city based on the sport sit down before a tribunal and explain why. There's no good reason anyone should be a Steelers and a Phillies fan.
Cardinals (+1) over Vikings at Minnesota - $200
Battle of the former Andy Reid protege's. I always thought McNabb would do better than he did. Like many, I thought Washington just did that to people... but then in Minnesota he just looks even worse, not just on the field, but even just wearing the uniform. Dan Marino had a chance to play in Minnesota right after he retired, and this was when they had Randy Moss and Cris Carter still. He still refused. Nothing good happens to older players who go to Minnesota. I hope Larry Fitzgerald learns this by the end of his career and doesn't look back on this upcoming Sunday's monster game as a reason to go play there.
Packers (+7) over Falcons at Atlanta - $200
My rooting interest in last years Super Bowl was torn... if the Steelers won, it'd be their seventh Super Bowl. I know a guy who has a whole bunch of Six-Burgh bullshit, and I'd lose to see it all be obsolete like those NFC or AFC Championship shirts they sell on the side of the road for 5 day. If the Packers won, and something happened to Aaron Rodgers in the off-season, someone would point out that Brett Favre held down Aaron Rodgers for years and probably cost them a bunch of titles. It didn't quite work out that way, but I guess if he keeps putting up monster numbers, people will eventually realize this and cast hatred upon Favre. Of course, if Aaron Rodgers puts up monster games long enough, I'll began to hate him too, so, fuck it. Remember when Mark Chmura raped that girl that was like 15? I thought the concept of those 30 for 30 movies on ESPN was to have a movie for every time someone asked that question about sports. Fucking Packers... I hate that 'city owns the team' bullshit too. If they do, why are they all so broke?
Bears (+5.5) over Lions at Detroit - $250
I would not only bet the Bears win this, but the Lions hit the skids after this too. Remember the Rams in 1995? They were 4-0 and Rich Brooks was their coach and all these dickheads were talking about how great they were and how his college atmosphere had them playing loose and all this bullshit. Then the 49ers lit them up and acted all surprised people even gave the Rams a chance. The Rams tanked it the rest of the season after that. There's a team that does that every year. It's part of what makes the NFL great and what its also what makes sportswriters assholes who never own up to writing over hyped columns saying shit like Ndamukong Suh is better for the team than Barry Sanders was.
NEIL'S PICKS
Jets (+9) over Patriots at New England - $100
Look, man, I hate the Jets. You know that shit by now. [Insert 10,000 word screed about Rex Ryan and Mark Sanchez here.] But even though that’s true and even though I have a begrudging respect for that sociopath Bill Belichick and a genetically hardwired Michigan Man boner for Tom Brady (I will admit, this is perhaps my most shameful of all Michigan related boners as I am 198,000% sure I would hate Tom Brady if he was not of my family, but since he is, I am forced to stick up for him, like a retarded cousin who fucks dogs or something.) I can’t see the Patriots covering this shit. Even though their offense is led by a gang of Klan All-Americans (By the way, be sure to buy Whiteyball, the sequel to Moneyball, the tale of how Bill Belichick loaded his team up with Grit Farmers and other assorted Great White Hope types in order to drive up merchandizing sales amongst the angry racist drunks who call Boston home.) their defense isn’t exactly hot shit and while that shouldn’t matter all that much since the Jets are led by that degenerate Handsome Mark, the one thing that Rex Ryan cares more than anything about is beating Bill Belichick. Then again, Grand Dragon Bill is a known sociopath who delights in nothing more than torturing and eating the souls of those who have dared to challenge him in the past. You know what? On second thought, I am picking the Patriots to cover this shit because fuck Rex Ryan, that’s why. Besides, his defense ain’t shit this year and Tom Brady will pick those assholes apart. Fuck the Ryan brothers. FUCK THEM. Revised pick: Patriots (-9) over Jets in New England - $100
Eagles (-1.5) over Bills at Buffalo - $100
Like everyone else, I am delighting in the Eagles tailspin into oblivion. If you’ll recall, both Raven and I sniffed this shit out before everyone else in our team previews because we understand human nature and we knew this shit was a disaster waiting to happen. But enough bragging. Despite all that, the Eagles are still talented enough to beat the fucking Bills, man. Especially since I think they’ll be out for blood after collapsing against those soft ass 49ers. And before you say anything about the Bills being any good, let me tell you who that team reminds me of: the 2007 Lions, who started 6-2 only to lose the last 7 games of the year before degenerating into the 0-16 horror we all know and remember with tears in our hearts the next season. I’m not saying that’s what’s going to happen to the Bills. I’m just saying that’s who they remind me of. They’ve played over their heads so far. That Patriots game was fluky as shit and really the whole season has kind of a Held Together By Strings, Chicken Wire And Wishes feel to it. Then again, my own team has also won a couple of weird games this season and I am holding to the opinion that they are for real so who the fuck am I to say anything? Still, that is my prerogative as a fan and as a soothsayer of football glory. Fuck you, I am a man of science and I have had enough of your cheap superstitions. Lions win. Wait . . . wrong section. Eagles cover. Fuck it.
Falcons (+5.5) over Packers in Atlanta - $100
I am not quite buying the Packers as Football Terminators quite yet. Well, I am, but they will stumble at some point and they’re not quite as elite as some people think. And the Falcons are a desperate team, playing at home and I think they’ll at least keep this one close. Plus, fuck the Packers, man. Fuck the Packers. My financial advisor told me not to bet with my heart because I couldn’t afford it and he didn’t want to have my legs broken but what he doesn’t know is that these aren’t my real legs. I stole them from a hobo.
Saints (-6) over Panthers at Carolina - $200
Honestly, I don’t think the Saints are that good this season. Their defense kind of sucks and something just seems . . . off. I’m not sure what it is. But they’ll beat the Panthers like they fucking stole something because the Panthers are an assy team and even though Cam Newton might throw for 600 yards, he’ll also throw 5 interceptions and then his dad will be forced to skim money off his son’s contract to buy back the faith of his parishioners, who only go to his church because they’re convinced that Cam was sent by God to explode the hearts and minds of sodomites everywhere via a perfect spiral to Steve Smith. These are the things that happen in the worlds of high finance, religion and southern football, all of which are more similar than you’d think.
Lions (-5.5) over Bears in Detroit - $1000
Yeah, you fucking heard me. A thousand. Let this fucker ride. I am too hyped up to give you coherent words or reasons for this and my head is clouded with red vengeance and in my dreams I see Rod Marinelli naked, whipped with chains made of hate and I see Calvin Johnson completing the process of whipping that ass and . . . again, cold rationality should keep me from going overboard here, but then again, cold rationality is the province of the coward and goddammit, I am no coward. In fact, I am tempted to rob Raven of his 1,500 so I can bet 3,000 fake dollars on this game but Raven is my friend and I am not a crackhead. Yet. We’ll see how this game plays out.
STEPH'S PICKS
I don't know a whole lot about professional football. Or any football, except for the youth athletic association that my daughter is playing for. Yeah, I said daughter. But I don't get the intricacies of the game, the rules, the flags flying around. I just don't understand all of that. So that being said, this is how Steph makes her football picks. Keep in mind this is all subject to change at any given time with no notice, because, well, I am a woman.
Pick factors: have I been to that city and/or slept with anyone from that city; is this an expansion team, because I loathe expansion teams, just for the general principle of it; aesthetics of the team colors (who has purple?); pimp factor versus douchebag factor; and how cool or dumb I think the team name might be, along with whatever graphic they have on the helmet.
Bills (+1.5) over Eagles in Buffalo - $300
I actually like the Eagles, except for one major douchebag factor. Thy name is Michael Vick, who's Virginia statehood card I revoked a few years ago. I saw a post on facebook a few weeks ago after Vick hurt his hand and it said, "Michael Vick Y U always get hurt?" Uhhhh, karma? The dogfighting thing doesn't really bother me because that happens in the South. I get that. I don't like that he did that shit in my state. Good God, man, weren't you living in Georgia at the time? Take.your.operation.with.you. I actually watched some of the Philly/Atlanta game a few weeks ago but can't remember who won. I was pulling for the Eagles minus Vick and for Atlanta for getting rid of his ass. I just had a layover in Philly a couple of months ago and the restrooms in the airport are fucking disgusting. If Philly plays Chicago I'm going with Chicago just for the sparking clean restrooms in O'Hare. But this isn't about Philly and Chicago. Minus two points to the Eagles just on Vick alone, minus another point for the airport restrooms. Plus one point for team colors and graphic. Minus one point to the Bills for naming their cheerleading squad the Buffalo Jills, which is not.at.all.sexist, but whatever. This is Buffalo we're talking about. Plus one point for them having a marching band. Plus one point for them not having Michael Vick. Minus one for team colors and graphics. Plus I'm picking up blurbs here and there that Buffalo is doing well this year. Not well in the Green Bay way, but well in the Buffalo way. So Buffalo.
Saints (-7) over Panthers at Carolina - $100
The sympathy pick for New Orleans expired about two years ago for me. However, the Carolina Panthers? Not a great name. Sorry, but Carolina and Panthers just do not go together. Plus, I don't like their colors. Too UNC and Duke-ish. Hey, Carolina, how about you come up with something other than blue? Plus plus, I don't like expansion teams. And, I really like the Saints' fleur-de-lis emblem, or whatever you call it. Very classic. I would totally have a fleur-de-lis thing in my house. I would totally not have a panther thing in my house. One cougar is enough. Saints.
Raiders (+7) over Texans at Houston - $100
The Houston Texans? I'm still trying to figure out what happened to the Oilers. Seriously, I didn't even know this was a team. I'm going with the Raiders simply because of the MC Hammer pimp factor, but if the Texans name was the Houston Texicans, I would definitely switch, just for shits and giggles. I think that MC Hammer pimp factor can actually be attributed to the Oakland A's, but same thing. Baseball, football, whatever.
Colts (-1) over Chiefs in Indianapolis - $600
I dated (slept with) a guy from KC. I am now dating (sleeping with) a guy from Indianapolis. Well, the Indianapolis guy is not from Indianapolis proper, but when there's not much but corn fields and corn fields, it's close enough. Kansas City and Indianapolis both have blond hair. Kansas City had hair on his back (eeeek!!!!) and Indianapolis does not, so one point to Indianapolis right there. Kansas City got my belly button pierced for my birthday before everyone and their mother started getting it pierced (1997), which Indianapolis is enjoying now, so that's a break even. Kansas City and Indianapolis have both fallen asleep on my sofa watching football, so another break even. Kansas City is not in my life anymore, and Indianapolis is, so one more point for Indianapolis. You see where this is going, right? Colts all the way, baby.
Steelers (-3.5) over Titans in Pittsburgh - $400
Hey, guess what? I found the Oilers! So we'll just say Houston Oilers at Pittsburgh Steelers. Except I don't like the new Oilers name, which makes me think about Greek gods and stuff, which should not be associated with football in my head. Okay, one point for the Oilers, minus that point because I don't like their new expansion name, or location, for that matter. Minus another point because I don't like expansion teams. But the Steelers? That damn Samoan and his damn hair on the cover of every damn magazine I seem to lay my damn eyes on. Hair that long is meant for two things - a curling iron or a hair straightener. Minus one point to the Steelers for the hair issue. Minus one point to the Steelers for the Terrible Towel, which just annoys the hell out of me. Plus one point for the whole "Black and Yellow" thing by Wiz Khalifa. I didn't even like that song until VCU (VCUUUUUUUU) made it to the Sweet 16 earlier this year and all the campus YouTube freaks co-opted it for their really shittily (is that a word?) done YouTube montages. So plus one more point for the Steelers. So, Oilers are at -1 point and Steelers are at 0 points. Mathematically, Steelers.
RAVEN'S PICKS
Bills (+1.5) over Eagles in Buffalo - $200
I am highly conflicted in this game because as a Redskins fan, I really hate the Eagles and think their continued failure is hilarious. I have an Eagles fan friend who actually believes Andy Reid is a genius and could make something out of Vince Young so is not worried about whether Michael Vick is crippled by week 9. And yet at the same time, I have a bet with another friend who is a Bills fan that we made beginning of the year when both our teams were expected to suck, yet both of us were delusionally optimistic. We bet our teams would be better over the season, with the tiebreaker being the head-to-head game on October 30. So I hope the Bills at least stay worse than the Redskins. I think the Bills hulked up for that Patriots game that was bound to let them have a comedown period the week after, which is why Hulk Hogan never had to defend his title like two times in a row in one night, against the assorted demon monsters that came from Vince McMahon's cocaine hallucinations back then. A man or team just can't hulk up that long in a row because the endorphins and adrenaline required can't be maintained in a normal or even above-average human body without a resulting crash. That being said, last week the Bills had a comedown, whereas the Eagles seem to be a come-apart. Vick is brittle at best, and a great QB when healthy, but whoever the fuck thought having him be your main option with no reliable back-up was a fucking fool. And their defense is looking shoddy, unable to get a rush, which is allowing that allegedly unstoppable CB corps get eat up as well, because no CB - even a shutdown corner - can cover an NFL-caliber dude for 5 seconds on every play. Plus, Ryan Fitzpatrick is a genius who went to Genius School. I heard he built his own miniature nuclear cyclotron in his spare time in the Bills break room and uses a little tiny reactor to crack walnuts for his offensive line. He will analytically destroy the Eagles, just enough, as the Bills return home to where everybody is like, "Remember when we beat the Patriots two weeks ago? That shit was awesome!"
Raiders (+7) over Texans at Houston - $400
To get this done on time we went with lines from like Wednesday morning, and I'm not sure if this line has gone down with Andre Johnson being all fucked up, but I think Robert Deniro's Jew character from Casino knew that already before Wednesday morning. I don't buy into the Texans. I know the Colts are done and it seems like it's time for the Texans to be the AFC South's best team, by default, but I don't buy it. They seem like one of those teams that is pre-ordained to never be nothing, which makes sense as the Titans have much more quietly done just as good as the Texans this year. I think the Raiders are also a much better team than you would expect, given they are run by a billionaire space zombie of some sort. Without Johnson, Texans will flail on offense, because if you don't think those MRI pics of his own hamstring that Arian Foster tweeted out aren't going to be used at the bottom of piles against the Raiders, then apparently you don't know the Raiders. Hue Jackson is a kinder, gentler head coach than his predecessor in Tom Cable (who once broke an assistant's jaw during practice, just because), but even Jackson says he wants the Raiders to be the bullies of the NFL.
Seahawks (+11) over Giants at New York - $400
I know the whole history of cross-continental games like this, but I just don't see this Giants team being that great that they could beat anybody - even an NFL b-team like the Seahawks, by 11 points. The G-men will win, but not by this margin.
49ers (-1.5) over Buccaneers in San Francisco - $400
The Buccaneers barely beat the shitty ass Colts at home. How are they going to beat the 49ers all the way across the country? Jim Harbaugh has about half his team drinking the Kool-Aid, and their running game might actually start to explode into something pretty awesome here in the next few weeks, which will open up all the other shit for even a retard like Alex Smith to start hitting.
Broncos (+4) over Chargers in Denver - $100
Chargers suffer from Norv Turner disease, where they never play as good as they should. I know it's not September any more, so they'll start shifting into October mode, which is slightly better, and I know the Broncos are a crippled shell of whatever they might have been in previous years. But I also know the Chargers choke, and John Fox is way fucking smarter than Norv Turner. The Broncos might not win this game, but they'll beat on the Chargers and not get blown away and make it interesting to whatever 19,000 people on this earth are actual AFC West fans.
Each person is expected to pick the game featuring their favorite team, when applicable. (Obviously, bye weeks take that off the table, and one of our pickers doesn't even like football, so there's also that.) They also have to bet a $100 minimum per pick, and don't necessarily have to bet it all each week, though all four of us did, because real money is fairly fake and easy to waste on stupid shit, so fake money which is extremely fake is even easier to toss around skitter fritter.
Here is our staff of picking people:
MAVPA - Bears fan living in the midst of Eagles country, with connections to Eastern Bloc "freemen" organizations, and former semi-pro misunderstood coaching genius.
NEIL - Lions fan, heart & soul of ACLB, and bastard child of Hunter S. Thompson's older sister and Willie Young's uncle.
STEPH - Childhood sweetheart of Raven, natural born bitch, not even a fan of football though has a daughter playing pee wee league. Also has her own blog.
RAVEN - Redskins fan, psychic degenerate, and William B. Cooper-style exposer of the NFL Illuminati.
So monetary standings at this point, obviously are:
MAVPA - $1500
NEIL - $1500
STEPH - $1500
RAVEN - $1500
And let's get to the picks...
MAVPA'S PICKS
Eagles (-1.5) over Bills at Buffalo - $750
I live in Philadelphia, but have grown to hate the Eagles. I actually liked them when I lived in Chicago, mostly because of the Buddy Ryan connection, but also because Randall Cunningham seemed to be everything that football should be. But since then, things have soured... and not just because they signed Michael Vick. I really wouldn't care if they found out Jim McMahon was murdering homeless people every night and feeding them to the Fridge. On a kick ass side note though, this straight off the boat kid from Ukraine I met thought that Michael Vick was fighting the dogs himself, and because he'd beaten them so badly in these fights, he would be an awesome football player. I actually met Michael Vick once and he couldn't beat a dog of any kind in a fight... but he will beat up on the Bills pretty good, and both these teams will start getting back to what everyone thought they were gonna do before the season.
Jaguars (-1) over Bengals in Jacksonville - $100
It's hard to even fathom how bad the Bengals have been historically. I know there are bad owners in sports, but at least a lot of times those guys make some kind of effort, whereas there's at least a chance something will work out. The Bengals let David Shula hang around for like 5 years and he didn't win 20 games. That's incredible. I've never actually bet a Bengals fan in my life, but I can't imagine what they even do for football season down there. It's a good thing Tennessee got a team so all those poor bastards in Kentucky can at least have some moderately accurate geographical allegiance. If I had the resources, I would map out the entire country based on geographical sports allegiance. I would also make anyone who's allegiance varied from city to city based on the sport sit down before a tribunal and explain why. There's no good reason anyone should be a Steelers and a Phillies fan.
Cardinals (+1) over Vikings at Minnesota - $200
Battle of the former Andy Reid protege's. I always thought McNabb would do better than he did. Like many, I thought Washington just did that to people... but then in Minnesota he just looks even worse, not just on the field, but even just wearing the uniform. Dan Marino had a chance to play in Minnesota right after he retired, and this was when they had Randy Moss and Cris Carter still. He still refused. Nothing good happens to older players who go to Minnesota. I hope Larry Fitzgerald learns this by the end of his career and doesn't look back on this upcoming Sunday's monster game as a reason to go play there.
Packers (+7) over Falcons at Atlanta - $200
My rooting interest in last years Super Bowl was torn... if the Steelers won, it'd be their seventh Super Bowl. I know a guy who has a whole bunch of Six-Burgh bullshit, and I'd lose to see it all be obsolete like those NFC or AFC Championship shirts they sell on the side of the road for 5 day. If the Packers won, and something happened to Aaron Rodgers in the off-season, someone would point out that Brett Favre held down Aaron Rodgers for years and probably cost them a bunch of titles. It didn't quite work out that way, but I guess if he keeps putting up monster numbers, people will eventually realize this and cast hatred upon Favre. Of course, if Aaron Rodgers puts up monster games long enough, I'll began to hate him too, so, fuck it. Remember when Mark Chmura raped that girl that was like 15? I thought the concept of those 30 for 30 movies on ESPN was to have a movie for every time someone asked that question about sports. Fucking Packers... I hate that 'city owns the team' bullshit too. If they do, why are they all so broke?
Bears (+5.5) over Lions at Detroit - $250
I would not only bet the Bears win this, but the Lions hit the skids after this too. Remember the Rams in 1995? They were 4-0 and Rich Brooks was their coach and all these dickheads were talking about how great they were and how his college atmosphere had them playing loose and all this bullshit. Then the 49ers lit them up and acted all surprised people even gave the Rams a chance. The Rams tanked it the rest of the season after that. There's a team that does that every year. It's part of what makes the NFL great and what its also what makes sportswriters assholes who never own up to writing over hyped columns saying shit like Ndamukong Suh is better for the team than Barry Sanders was.
NEIL'S PICKS
Jets (+9) over Patriots at New England - $100
Look, man, I hate the Jets. You know that shit by now. [Insert 10,000 word screed about Rex Ryan and Mark Sanchez here.] But even though that’s true and even though I have a begrudging respect for that sociopath Bill Belichick and a genetically hardwired Michigan Man boner for Tom Brady (I will admit, this is perhaps my most shameful of all Michigan related boners as I am 198,000% sure I would hate Tom Brady if he was not of my family, but since he is, I am forced to stick up for him, like a retarded cousin who fucks dogs or something.) I can’t see the Patriots covering this shit. Even though their offense is led by a gang of Klan All-Americans (By the way, be sure to buy Whiteyball, the sequel to Moneyball, the tale of how Bill Belichick loaded his team up with Grit Farmers and other assorted Great White Hope types in order to drive up merchandizing sales amongst the angry racist drunks who call Boston home.) their defense isn’t exactly hot shit and while that shouldn’t matter all that much since the Jets are led by that degenerate Handsome Mark, the one thing that Rex Ryan cares more than anything about is beating Bill Belichick. Then again, Grand Dragon Bill is a known sociopath who delights in nothing more than torturing and eating the souls of those who have dared to challenge him in the past. You know what? On second thought, I am picking the Patriots to cover this shit because fuck Rex Ryan, that’s why. Besides, his defense ain’t shit this year and Tom Brady will pick those assholes apart. Fuck the Ryan brothers. FUCK THEM. Revised pick: Patriots (-9) over Jets in New England - $100
Eagles (-1.5) over Bills at Buffalo - $100
Like everyone else, I am delighting in the Eagles tailspin into oblivion. If you’ll recall, both Raven and I sniffed this shit out before everyone else in our team previews because we understand human nature and we knew this shit was a disaster waiting to happen. But enough bragging. Despite all that, the Eagles are still talented enough to beat the fucking Bills, man. Especially since I think they’ll be out for blood after collapsing against those soft ass 49ers. And before you say anything about the Bills being any good, let me tell you who that team reminds me of: the 2007 Lions, who started 6-2 only to lose the last 7 games of the year before degenerating into the 0-16 horror we all know and remember with tears in our hearts the next season. I’m not saying that’s what’s going to happen to the Bills. I’m just saying that’s who they remind me of. They’ve played over their heads so far. That Patriots game was fluky as shit and really the whole season has kind of a Held Together By Strings, Chicken Wire And Wishes feel to it. Then again, my own team has also won a couple of weird games this season and I am holding to the opinion that they are for real so who the fuck am I to say anything? Still, that is my prerogative as a fan and as a soothsayer of football glory. Fuck you, I am a man of science and I have had enough of your cheap superstitions. Lions win. Wait . . . wrong section. Eagles cover. Fuck it.
Falcons (+5.5) over Packers in Atlanta - $100
I am not quite buying the Packers as Football Terminators quite yet. Well, I am, but they will stumble at some point and they’re not quite as elite as some people think. And the Falcons are a desperate team, playing at home and I think they’ll at least keep this one close. Plus, fuck the Packers, man. Fuck the Packers. My financial advisor told me not to bet with my heart because I couldn’t afford it and he didn’t want to have my legs broken but what he doesn’t know is that these aren’t my real legs. I stole them from a hobo.
Saints (-6) over Panthers at Carolina - $200
Honestly, I don’t think the Saints are that good this season. Their defense kind of sucks and something just seems . . . off. I’m not sure what it is. But they’ll beat the Panthers like they fucking stole something because the Panthers are an assy team and even though Cam Newton might throw for 600 yards, he’ll also throw 5 interceptions and then his dad will be forced to skim money off his son’s contract to buy back the faith of his parishioners, who only go to his church because they’re convinced that Cam was sent by God to explode the hearts and minds of sodomites everywhere via a perfect spiral to Steve Smith. These are the things that happen in the worlds of high finance, religion and southern football, all of which are more similar than you’d think.
Lions (-5.5) over Bears in Detroit - $1000
Yeah, you fucking heard me. A thousand. Let this fucker ride. I am too hyped up to give you coherent words or reasons for this and my head is clouded with red vengeance and in my dreams I see Rod Marinelli naked, whipped with chains made of hate and I see Calvin Johnson completing the process of whipping that ass and . . . again, cold rationality should keep me from going overboard here, but then again, cold rationality is the province of the coward and goddammit, I am no coward. In fact, I am tempted to rob Raven of his 1,500 so I can bet 3,000 fake dollars on this game but Raven is my friend and I am not a crackhead. Yet. We’ll see how this game plays out.
STEPH'S PICKS
I don't know a whole lot about professional football. Or any football, except for the youth athletic association that my daughter is playing for. Yeah, I said daughter. But I don't get the intricacies of the game, the rules, the flags flying around. I just don't understand all of that. So that being said, this is how Steph makes her football picks. Keep in mind this is all subject to change at any given time with no notice, because, well, I am a woman.
Pick factors: have I been to that city and/or slept with anyone from that city; is this an expansion team, because I loathe expansion teams, just for the general principle of it; aesthetics of the team colors (who has purple?); pimp factor versus douchebag factor; and how cool or dumb I think the team name might be, along with whatever graphic they have on the helmet.
Bills (+1.5) over Eagles in Buffalo - $300
I actually like the Eagles, except for one major douchebag factor. Thy name is Michael Vick, who's Virginia statehood card I revoked a few years ago. I saw a post on facebook a few weeks ago after Vick hurt his hand and it said, "Michael Vick Y U always get hurt?" Uhhhh, karma? The dogfighting thing doesn't really bother me because that happens in the South. I get that. I don't like that he did that shit in my state. Good God, man, weren't you living in Georgia at the time? Take.your.operation.with.you. I actually watched some of the Philly/Atlanta game a few weeks ago but can't remember who won. I was pulling for the Eagles minus Vick and for Atlanta for getting rid of his ass. I just had a layover in Philly a couple of months ago and the restrooms in the airport are fucking disgusting. If Philly plays Chicago I'm going with Chicago just for the sparking clean restrooms in O'Hare. But this isn't about Philly and Chicago. Minus two points to the Eagles just on Vick alone, minus another point for the airport restrooms. Plus one point for team colors and graphic. Minus one point to the Bills for naming their cheerleading squad the Buffalo Jills, which is not.at.all.sexist, but whatever. This is Buffalo we're talking about. Plus one point for them having a marching band. Plus one point for them not having Michael Vick. Minus one for team colors and graphics. Plus I'm picking up blurbs here and there that Buffalo is doing well this year. Not well in the Green Bay way, but well in the Buffalo way. So Buffalo.
Saints (-7) over Panthers at Carolina - $100
The sympathy pick for New Orleans expired about two years ago for me. However, the Carolina Panthers? Not a great name. Sorry, but Carolina and Panthers just do not go together. Plus, I don't like their colors. Too UNC and Duke-ish. Hey, Carolina, how about you come up with something other than blue? Plus plus, I don't like expansion teams. And, I really like the Saints' fleur-de-lis emblem, or whatever you call it. Very classic. I would totally have a fleur-de-lis thing in my house. I would totally not have a panther thing in my house. One cougar is enough. Saints.
Raiders (+7) over Texans at Houston - $100
The Houston Texans? I'm still trying to figure out what happened to the Oilers. Seriously, I didn't even know this was a team. I'm going with the Raiders simply because of the MC Hammer pimp factor, but if the Texans name was the Houston Texicans, I would definitely switch, just for shits and giggles. I think that MC Hammer pimp factor can actually be attributed to the Oakland A's, but same thing. Baseball, football, whatever.
Colts (-1) over Chiefs in Indianapolis - $600
I dated (slept with) a guy from KC. I am now dating (sleeping with) a guy from Indianapolis. Well, the Indianapolis guy is not from Indianapolis proper, but when there's not much but corn fields and corn fields, it's close enough. Kansas City and Indianapolis both have blond hair. Kansas City had hair on his back (eeeek!!!!) and Indianapolis does not, so one point to Indianapolis right there. Kansas City got my belly button pierced for my birthday before everyone and their mother started getting it pierced (1997), which Indianapolis is enjoying now, so that's a break even. Kansas City and Indianapolis have both fallen asleep on my sofa watching football, so another break even. Kansas City is not in my life anymore, and Indianapolis is, so one more point for Indianapolis. You see where this is going, right? Colts all the way, baby.
Steelers (-3.5) over Titans in Pittsburgh - $400
Hey, guess what? I found the Oilers! So we'll just say Houston Oilers at Pittsburgh Steelers. Except I don't like the new Oilers name, which makes me think about Greek gods and stuff, which should not be associated with football in my head. Okay, one point for the Oilers, minus that point because I don't like their new expansion name, or location, for that matter. Minus another point because I don't like expansion teams. But the Steelers? That damn Samoan and his damn hair on the cover of every damn magazine I seem to lay my damn eyes on. Hair that long is meant for two things - a curling iron or a hair straightener. Minus one point to the Steelers for the hair issue. Minus one point to the Steelers for the Terrible Towel, which just annoys the hell out of me. Plus one point for the whole "Black and Yellow" thing by Wiz Khalifa. I didn't even like that song until VCU (VCUUUUUUUU) made it to the Sweet 16 earlier this year and all the campus YouTube freaks co-opted it for their really shittily (is that a word?) done YouTube montages. So plus one more point for the Steelers. So, Oilers are at -1 point and Steelers are at 0 points. Mathematically, Steelers.
RAVEN'S PICKS
Bills (+1.5) over Eagles in Buffalo - $200
I am highly conflicted in this game because as a Redskins fan, I really hate the Eagles and think their continued failure is hilarious. I have an Eagles fan friend who actually believes Andy Reid is a genius and could make something out of Vince Young so is not worried about whether Michael Vick is crippled by week 9. And yet at the same time, I have a bet with another friend who is a Bills fan that we made beginning of the year when both our teams were expected to suck, yet both of us were delusionally optimistic. We bet our teams would be better over the season, with the tiebreaker being the head-to-head game on October 30. So I hope the Bills at least stay worse than the Redskins. I think the Bills hulked up for that Patriots game that was bound to let them have a comedown period the week after, which is why Hulk Hogan never had to defend his title like two times in a row in one night, against the assorted demon monsters that came from Vince McMahon's cocaine hallucinations back then. A man or team just can't hulk up that long in a row because the endorphins and adrenaline required can't be maintained in a normal or even above-average human body without a resulting crash. That being said, last week the Bills had a comedown, whereas the Eagles seem to be a come-apart. Vick is brittle at best, and a great QB when healthy, but whoever the fuck thought having him be your main option with no reliable back-up was a fucking fool. And their defense is looking shoddy, unable to get a rush, which is allowing that allegedly unstoppable CB corps get eat up as well, because no CB - even a shutdown corner - can cover an NFL-caliber dude for 5 seconds on every play. Plus, Ryan Fitzpatrick is a genius who went to Genius School. I heard he built his own miniature nuclear cyclotron in his spare time in the Bills break room and uses a little tiny reactor to crack walnuts for his offensive line. He will analytically destroy the Eagles, just enough, as the Bills return home to where everybody is like, "Remember when we beat the Patriots two weeks ago? That shit was awesome!"
Raiders (+7) over Texans at Houston - $400
To get this done on time we went with lines from like Wednesday morning, and I'm not sure if this line has gone down with Andre Johnson being all fucked up, but I think Robert Deniro's Jew character from Casino knew that already before Wednesday morning. I don't buy into the Texans. I know the Colts are done and it seems like it's time for the Texans to be the AFC South's best team, by default, but I don't buy it. They seem like one of those teams that is pre-ordained to never be nothing, which makes sense as the Titans have much more quietly done just as good as the Texans this year. I think the Raiders are also a much better team than you would expect, given they are run by a billionaire space zombie of some sort. Without Johnson, Texans will flail on offense, because if you don't think those MRI pics of his own hamstring that Arian Foster tweeted out aren't going to be used at the bottom of piles against the Raiders, then apparently you don't know the Raiders. Hue Jackson is a kinder, gentler head coach than his predecessor in Tom Cable (who once broke an assistant's jaw during practice, just because), but even Jackson says he wants the Raiders to be the bullies of the NFL.
Seahawks (+11) over Giants at New York - $400
I know the whole history of cross-continental games like this, but I just don't see this Giants team being that great that they could beat anybody - even an NFL b-team like the Seahawks, by 11 points. The G-men will win, but not by this margin.
49ers (-1.5) over Buccaneers in San Francisco - $400
The Buccaneers barely beat the shitty ass Colts at home. How are they going to beat the 49ers all the way across the country? Jim Harbaugh has about half his team drinking the Kool-Aid, and their running game might actually start to explode into something pretty awesome here in the next few weeks, which will open up all the other shit for even a retard like Alex Smith to start hitting.
Broncos (+4) over Chargers in Denver - $100
Chargers suffer from Norv Turner disease, where they never play as good as they should. I know it's not September any more, so they'll start shifting into October mode, which is slightly better, and I know the Broncos are a crippled shell of whatever they might have been in previous years. But I also know the Chargers choke, and John Fox is way fucking smarter than Norv Turner. The Broncos might not win this game, but they'll beat on the Chargers and not get blown away and make it interesting to whatever 19,000 people on this earth are actual AFC West fans.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
A New Season Dawns
I have blown off writing about the whole Mike Shanahan vs. Albert Haynesworth Presidential Physical Fitness test 2010 because, ultimately, this whole thing should embarrass every Redskins fan everywhere. Last year's Great Saviour in a battle of whatevers with this year's Great Saviour... and I am supposed to be like, "YEAH MOTHERFUCKER!" because it's all different this time around.
Oddly enough, there are constant AM sports radio ads running for season ticket sales for the Redskins where like all the major players are saying "I'm in!" and then they ask, "Are you?" at the end. First off, this is odd because the Redskins are supposed to have the season ticket waiting list of like 78 years where people inherit their dad's spot on the waiting list. I even signed up for some shit a few years back while drunk but never heard back recently so it was probably one of my fake gmails I use for screening sluts on craigslist and ripping people off on ebay for old biker magazines I found at my uncle's place. But they're selling ticket packages through radio ads now, which sounds weird as fuck in itself.
But the fact the sales pitch is Everything is now in place, are you in? trips me the fuck out. It's like the Redskins team as seen by Dan Snyder is admitting, "Yeah, we fucked up a whole bunch. But look. Now we have a GM and a new coach and a quarterback and we're good to go. Are you truly down with the Redskins? Don't you want to be here when we finally get our dumb shit together?" The basic selling point is the same thing I use when I play the lottery, using the same three powerball numbers I always use, because the one time I don't use them, they'll hit. You are this far invested, and if that shit hits and you're not still invested, you're going to hate yourself, forever.
It is a complete line of bullshit. Look, I'm going to root for this team every painful Sunday of my life, until I am dead, but let's be real here. The strong side is the defense, which has a new coordinator and a star player who don't want to play, or run, or give a fuck. The secondary had question marks last year that never got answered, which in NFL rapid aging terms makes those question marks twice as big with a couple exclamation points and probably an ampersand (plus a lollerskate if you read DeAngelo Hall quotes like I do). And on the offensive side, man, I don't even know what to say. When it comes to WRs, we have nothing but Madden All-Pros, nothing that translates to any consistency on the actual IRL football field. The offensive line was a hodgepodge shambles last year, and Mike Shanahan rolls in with his anus mouth and 280-pound chop-blocking lineman fetish, and the one generally-considered-great player we had on the line in Chris Samuels had to retire due to the chronic crickneck, so we are hodgepodge, but worse. Yeah, we actually drafted Trent Williams, like we should have, but there's something about that guy that makes me worry he's going to get arrested with half a pound of weed in a donked out Caprice with two Alabama rappers, a couple entourage thugs, and a latina girl from the University of Florida. We have an assortment of aging RBs who will miraculously all together go against the proven history of recent NFL RBs and be fucking awesome this year, even though the perfect example of this trend in Terrell Davis is interning as a RBs coach. The very fucking guy that taught the NFL as a whole that a guy will look like a Hall of Famer for five years or so and then is nothing but a throwback jersey for local rappers to wear in youtube videos.
Man, I don't even want to get into it. The reason I came here today was to give props to my man Russ Grimm for making the Hall of Fame. The fact offensive linemen get dissed and it took this long for Grimm to get his propers, much less Joe Jacoby, who should be getting attention by now as well, it makes me sick. Art Monk got dissed all that time and finally gets put in, after Michael Irvin did, showing how the football nerd faggots that decide this type of thing suck a Jerry Jones cock and hate on the Skins. And then when Russ Grimm finally gets into the Hall of Fame, he has to deal with Emmitt Smith's goddamn fake ass, self-important bullshit at the same time.
Look, there has never been a bigger fake ass bitch than Emmitt Smith. He is most likely very thankful for not having come of professional age in the internet era where his pretend persona would be exposed like the four billion pairs of titties it has done the same to. And now Russ Grimm, a hard-working beer-drinking God-fearing ass-fucking (but only of women, unless in jail) man through and through, has to listen to Emmitt Smith pretend to give half a shit about football and the Cowboys and everything else, one last time, before his fat fucking face and cocksucking lips of a bust get put into Canton? It's not right. It's not fucking right.
And Dan Snyder owning this team is not right. He is a Cowboys man, fake and stupid and full of self-important shit and trying to buy his way into things. Russ Grimm was a Redskin. You know who else was a Redskin? John Riggins, who holds a record that will never get broken - most rushing yards by a white man in NFL history. He was a solid dude, and still is. Emmitt Smith said his stupid, "I decided to set the rushing record blah blah blah bullshit," and it bothers me deeply. I should make mention that Walter Payton breaking the record bothered me, because really, Walter Payton was no Jim Brown. But I gave up my hatred for Walter Payton, because he had a jheri curl and died from the cancers. But honestly, anybody who watched football during those years where Emmitt Smith got his yards knows that the rightful heir to the all-time rushing yards throne was Barry Sanders. But that was a class dude who bolted before he could be a half-crippled greybeard playing for like whoever the Arizona Cardinals for the Detroit Lions would be, which I guess is some sort of CFL team. This weekend made me sick. Made me sick from seeing Cowboys regalia (including some doofus-looking redneck dude at the Food Lion with his 1-year-old strapped into the cart with a tiny Tony Romo jersey, here in the middle of rural Virginia, which made me understand why eugenics still has a place on earth), from being emotionally attached to rooting for a team run by a Cowboys-philosophy owner, and a head coach who has proven nothing to me except if you live in Colorado and are part of the respected class of people, you can molest children regularly and not get in trouble with the law people, and a most expensive star player who can't do a fucking shuttle run. Hell, at least Haynesworth stomped on a Cowboys player's bare head a few years back.
I don't know what to say. Russ Grimm should be coaching this team and John Riggins should be shoving a handcrafted duck decoy made by Dave Butz up Dan Snyder's ass until he's had enough and sells the team to someone who doesn't think they know it all because they are five-foot-five with a five inch dick.
That last bit's not so much a slight, because I'm only five-and-a-half inches, like most lifelong football fans who never played organized football beyond tenth grade. But for most of my life, come August, I could get my little thing hard as fuck in a masturbatory frenzy over the possibilities of the coming season. But these am I all in commercials on the radio, and our seventeenth sudden saviour in a row... I don't know... this shit is getting played. I don't get hard over it anymore. Y'all can pretend you're sexy again, but somebody's got to show me something first at this point. I am more all in on yet another fall of yelling at my children over simple things on Sunday afternoons and slapping my 'old lady but then apologizing and blaming it on work or my brain meds or something or other. That's the problem - as a true deep down Redskins fan, I live out my team in my real life. And here I am pretending it's going to be different this time, and it's all going to change. But nothing has changed. They are going to underperform compared to their PR hype and I'm going to slap my ol' lady around. Fucking make this team good, for the sake of my children. I'm in. I've been in since 1973 when I was born into a Redskins family. Are you fucking in Mr. Snyder? Are you even fucking able to be in Mr. Haynesworth? How 'bout you McNabb; you got anything left? And you, you fucking piece of shit Mike Shanahan... are you for real in? Or are you just trying to stroke your own fucking ego by making a frigid bitch of a franchise finally orgasm another Lombardi Trophy out of their ass? Because I'm fucking in. And my ol' lady really wants you to be in, for real, for ever.
Oddly enough, there are constant AM sports radio ads running for season ticket sales for the Redskins where like all the major players are saying "I'm in!" and then they ask, "Are you?" at the end. First off, this is odd because the Redskins are supposed to have the season ticket waiting list of like 78 years where people inherit their dad's spot on the waiting list. I even signed up for some shit a few years back while drunk but never heard back recently so it was probably one of my fake gmails I use for screening sluts on craigslist and ripping people off on ebay for old biker magazines I found at my uncle's place. But they're selling ticket packages through radio ads now, which sounds weird as fuck in itself.
But the fact the sales pitch is Everything is now in place, are you in? trips me the fuck out. It's like the Redskins team as seen by Dan Snyder is admitting, "Yeah, we fucked up a whole bunch. But look. Now we have a GM and a new coach and a quarterback and we're good to go. Are you truly down with the Redskins? Don't you want to be here when we finally get our dumb shit together?" The basic selling point is the same thing I use when I play the lottery, using the same three powerball numbers I always use, because the one time I don't use them, they'll hit. You are this far invested, and if that shit hits and you're not still invested, you're going to hate yourself, forever.
It is a complete line of bullshit. Look, I'm going to root for this team every painful Sunday of my life, until I am dead, but let's be real here. The strong side is the defense, which has a new coordinator and a star player who don't want to play, or run, or give a fuck. The secondary had question marks last year that never got answered, which in NFL rapid aging terms makes those question marks twice as big with a couple exclamation points and probably an ampersand (plus a lollerskate if you read DeAngelo Hall quotes like I do). And on the offensive side, man, I don't even know what to say. When it comes to WRs, we have nothing but Madden All-Pros, nothing that translates to any consistency on the actual IRL football field. The offensive line was a hodgepodge shambles last year, and Mike Shanahan rolls in with his anus mouth and 280-pound chop-blocking lineman fetish, and the one generally-considered-great player we had on the line in Chris Samuels had to retire due to the chronic crickneck, so we are hodgepodge, but worse. Yeah, we actually drafted Trent Williams, like we should have, but there's something about that guy that makes me worry he's going to get arrested with half a pound of weed in a donked out Caprice with two Alabama rappers, a couple entourage thugs, and a latina girl from the University of Florida. We have an assortment of aging RBs who will miraculously all together go against the proven history of recent NFL RBs and be fucking awesome this year, even though the perfect example of this trend in Terrell Davis is interning as a RBs coach. The very fucking guy that taught the NFL as a whole that a guy will look like a Hall of Famer for five years or so and then is nothing but a throwback jersey for local rappers to wear in youtube videos.
Man, I don't even want to get into it. The reason I came here today was to give props to my man Russ Grimm for making the Hall of Fame. The fact offensive linemen get dissed and it took this long for Grimm to get his propers, much less Joe Jacoby, who should be getting attention by now as well, it makes me sick. Art Monk got dissed all that time and finally gets put in, after Michael Irvin did, showing how the football nerd faggots that decide this type of thing suck a Jerry Jones cock and hate on the Skins. And then when Russ Grimm finally gets into the Hall of Fame, he has to deal with Emmitt Smith's goddamn fake ass, self-important bullshit at the same time.
Look, there has never been a bigger fake ass bitch than Emmitt Smith. He is most likely very thankful for not having come of professional age in the internet era where his pretend persona would be exposed like the four billion pairs of titties it has done the same to. And now Russ Grimm, a hard-working beer-drinking God-fearing ass-fucking (but only of women, unless in jail) man through and through, has to listen to Emmitt Smith pretend to give half a shit about football and the Cowboys and everything else, one last time, before his fat fucking face and cocksucking lips of a bust get put into Canton? It's not right. It's not fucking right.
And Dan Snyder owning this team is not right. He is a Cowboys man, fake and stupid and full of self-important shit and trying to buy his way into things. Russ Grimm was a Redskin. You know who else was a Redskin? John Riggins, who holds a record that will never get broken - most rushing yards by a white man in NFL history. He was a solid dude, and still is. Emmitt Smith said his stupid, "I decided to set the rushing record blah blah blah bullshit," and it bothers me deeply. I should make mention that Walter Payton breaking the record bothered me, because really, Walter Payton was no Jim Brown. But I gave up my hatred for Walter Payton, because he had a jheri curl and died from the cancers. But honestly, anybody who watched football during those years where Emmitt Smith got his yards knows that the rightful heir to the all-time rushing yards throne was Barry Sanders. But that was a class dude who bolted before he could be a half-crippled greybeard playing for like whoever the Arizona Cardinals for the Detroit Lions would be, which I guess is some sort of CFL team. This weekend made me sick. Made me sick from seeing Cowboys regalia (including some doofus-looking redneck dude at the Food Lion with his 1-year-old strapped into the cart with a tiny Tony Romo jersey, here in the middle of rural Virginia, which made me understand why eugenics still has a place on earth), from being emotionally attached to rooting for a team run by a Cowboys-philosophy owner, and a head coach who has proven nothing to me except if you live in Colorado and are part of the respected class of people, you can molest children regularly and not get in trouble with the law people, and a most expensive star player who can't do a fucking shuttle run. Hell, at least Haynesworth stomped on a Cowboys player's bare head a few years back.
I don't know what to say. Russ Grimm should be coaching this team and John Riggins should be shoving a handcrafted duck decoy made by Dave Butz up Dan Snyder's ass until he's had enough and sells the team to someone who doesn't think they know it all because they are five-foot-five with a five inch dick.
That last bit's not so much a slight, because I'm only five-and-a-half inches, like most lifelong football fans who never played organized football beyond tenth grade. But for most of my life, come August, I could get my little thing hard as fuck in a masturbatory frenzy over the possibilities of the coming season. But these am I all in commercials on the radio, and our seventeenth sudden saviour in a row... I don't know... this shit is getting played. I don't get hard over it anymore. Y'all can pretend you're sexy again, but somebody's got to show me something first at this point. I am more all in on yet another fall of yelling at my children over simple things on Sunday afternoons and slapping my 'old lady but then apologizing and blaming it on work or my brain meds or something or other. That's the problem - as a true deep down Redskins fan, I live out my team in my real life. And here I am pretending it's going to be different this time, and it's all going to change. But nothing has changed. They are going to underperform compared to their PR hype and I'm going to slap my ol' lady around. Fucking make this team good, for the sake of my children. I'm in. I've been in since 1973 when I was born into a Redskins family. Are you fucking in Mr. Snyder? Are you even fucking able to be in Mr. Haynesworth? How 'bout you McNabb; you got anything left? And you, you fucking piece of shit Mike Shanahan... are you for real in? Or are you just trying to stroke your own fucking ego by making a frigid bitch of a franchise finally orgasm another Lombardi Trophy out of their ass? Because I'm fucking in. And my ol' lady really wants you to be in, for real, for ever.
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