[Each and almost every week, I will metaphysically testify upon the positive and negative influences on my beloved Washington Redskins team, who I've known since childhood, as seen in their on-field - or television more realistically here - performance. As the year goes on, we shall have a metascientifical tabulation of who is the most valuable or biggest detriment to the future of this franchise.]
Look, the immediate response is to be like, "OH MY GOD WE LOST ONE WE SHOULD'VE WON OH MY GOD!" and I had that feeling as well, because I watched this at a sports bar with a friend, and even though I don't drink, the fat waitress, who obviously didn't understand my policy of tipping as if I was drunk and drank beers even if all I did drink was ginger ales was a stupid complaining bitch, and Cowboys fans were easy to spot because they were the loud obnoxious assholes, and I really would've enjoyed having them have to shut the fuck up. But they didn't, and they probably wouldn't have anyways, because they are a lesser breed, unable to recognize basic human boundaries or normal levels of co-existing with others.
And there was a lot to be disappointed in, that is for sure; but let's be realistic - if you had asked me after the third week Monday night game at Dallas, where would you see the Skins, I never would have guessed 2-1, and almost beating Dallas in Dallas. Never. So let's be realistic and recognize the Redskins are a better team than they should be, and this might be because Shanahan has them turned in a better direction or it could just as likely mean there just aren't good football teams in the NFL any more. This makes sense because even with this mediocre but upwardly mobile football team (at least on defense), I have been adrenalinized for football. If every team is mediocre and has a chance, then conceivably every stupid fan is adrenalinized and tuned into football... for now. But twenty years from now, when no new fans have been created, because it's the same stupid shit all the time, that's when you pay the piper. But fuck that, we are not in the future; we are in the now, and now sucks because now is a loss when it could've easily been a win, but in recent history has usually been a far worse loss, so hey, I will keep it more positive than negative, because I am a realist, and if they finish above .500 this year, any motherfucker who is not positive about it is a goddamned delusional fool...
SIXTH DEGREE POSITIVE: S LARON LANDRY - So fucking good to see Laron back out there, stripping a fumble along the sideline, absolutely crushing that one poor Cowboys receiver, and just giving us glimpses of the terrorist menace he can be when he is allowed to be healthy and flourish. I fear this new NFL will never allow the true Laron Landry to flourish ever again, but we can hope he sneaks under the radar. You could tell he was not 100%, maybe not even 80%, but even at that tempered down percentage, he was a monster at times. It would've been really nice to see him get a clear paralysis-inducing shot on Tony Romo. (By the way, rather than wait until some later point in this thing to tell you how much I hate Tony Romo, I'll just get it out of the way now. I hate Tony Romo. The only thing I hate more than Tony Romo is possibly Jon Gruden or Ron Jaworski or whichever of those fucks kept talking about how great Tony Romo is. I hope next time they have a Monday night game, ESPN just goes ahead and puts whichever one it was on the sideline so he can keep Tony Romo's dick in his fucking mouth whenever Romo's not on the field. The added bonus of this is we won't have to listen to Jon Gruden and Ron Jaworski pretend they knows what the fuck they're talking about.)
FIFTH DEGREE POSITIVE: TE/FB CHRIS COOLEY - Can't believe I have not given Cooley any love this year yet. Dude was lined up as a fullback for big chunks of the game. When they got down on that one goal line stand that ended up a field goal, they should've just gave it to Cooley man. Punch them in the face. A little known fact to most people is probably that when Cooley was drafted, he was seen as an H-back, which is like a TE/FB hybrid in Joe Gibbs's offensive system, which is why Cooley wears #47 instead of like #87 or whatever like most TEs. Cooley's just such a great fucking guy, who does whatever is asked of him, and has not made any gripes about Fred Davis being touted as a new TE threat, and made no gripes about playing FB, and made no gripes about playing on a swolled up knee this season so far, and never does. The dude just plays tough, fucks cheerleaders (well, only one, and she's not a cheerleader anymore, but you know what I'm saying), and does pottery in his basement. You wish you had a fucking Chris Cooley on your team. I am going to go on Ebay after I finish writing this shit and buy pink youth Chris Cooley jerseys for my two youngest daughters, if I can find cheap enough Chinese ones to fit my discretionary income level, which is pretty low.
FOURTH DEGREE POSITIVE: OLB BRIAN ORAKPO - You know how people do wacky tumblrs with pictures from one very specific theme and it's funny for like a minute but then it's not any more because it was a one trick pony and you had your laugh, so the most it can hope for is to go viral and everybody look at it for three weeks, and then it disappears? There should be one with nothing but pictures of Brian Orakpo getting held, because that motherfucker gets held a lot. Like I don't think the refs even think it's fair to call it every time because there'd be like 29 holding penalties a game. Seriously, it's ridiculous. Orakpo actually helped seal the Redskins win against Dallas last year on the last play of the game by getting held. Literally, he did. I would like to see a way for Orakpo to get past this though, and start being able to crush QBs more to my satisfaction as a blood-thirsty Redskins fan.
THIRD DEGREE POSITIVE: OLB RYAN KERRIGAN - Kerrigan is relentless, and a great complement to Orakpo, and considering he's only played three games as a pro, he's a fucking year beyond what I'd expect. When this front seven of the Redskins gets dialed in for real, they are going to be some scary shit to deal with. There was one play where Orakpo and Kerrigan were converging on Romo from opposite sides and I had been amped for the sandwich of destruction all weekend long, and it was almost there, but Romo flung the ball out quick as fuck for an incompletion. He knew the deal.
SECOND DEGREE POSITIVE: WR SANTANA MOSS - Again, in an effort to be completely honest about things, Santana Moss is a fucking midget who should be a second, maybe even a third receiver at this point in his career. And yet he still finds his way open for big first downs when you have to know on defense that he is the number one option. Think how good Moss could have been if the Redskins had an actual top flight WR opposite him at any point during the past 7 or 8 years. I liked our sort of committee of Number Twos receiving corps the first two weeks, but tonight it left me feeling dissatisfied. A true number one somewhere along the way would have made Santana Moss even more amazing and reliable than he already has been, and as good as he's been, I still think the Redskins wasted his true potential, if that makes any sense. It'd be great to see them draft a top-flight WR, but then again, this offense needs a lot of things still, so not sure if that's in the works.
FIRST DEGREE POSITIVE: QB REX GROSSMAN - Gunslinger Eyes had his moments tonight - a couple of costly turnovers, but honestly, I can't fault him on that game-ending fumble. He's trying to make a play when a play needs to be made. Grossman fucks up at times, but not so much as he did with the Bears. He has matured, you can see that. And he also doesn't seem to care that you think he's a joke. My post from the other day about Grossman being my boy is no joke; I actually made myself believe all that. I do not think he's going to any Pro Bowls any time soon, but he's a better QB option than not having a QB option. And talent-wise, I'd take him over a third of the league's starting QBs. And because he's not a dickhead and will do whatever you ask him to do, I'd take him over another third of the league (including shitbag fuckfaces like Romo and Mark Sanchez). So he is in the top third of the league, by process of elimination. Gunslinger Eyes will serve us well in this time of transition. He may even resurrect his career and lead us to the wild card a year or two as a younger gun learns the ways of the NFL Gunslinger from a grizzled old veteran like the Sex Cannon, hopefully helping the young buck not have to make the same mistakes Grossman made in Chicago. It is a process, and I feel comfortable saying I am with Rex now, for the rest of this season, and am comfortable with wherever that takes me. I heard some drunk Redskins fans calling for John Beck tonight at the bar, and I shook my head because they were obviously drunker than their logic could handle. This is the Sex Cannon's team now.
STAY MEDIUM DEGREE: CB JOSH WILSON - Wilson is a huge upgrade over Carlos Rogers as our second CB. Huge. I really like this guy, and this defense in general. It goes without saying (because I didn't say it) that London Fletcher is much loved. This has become a defense that bends but doesn't break, stifling the Cowboys every time they got near the end zone. I'd like to see them take that next murderous step as a defense though, that starts to take the same vicious pride in holding teams to three-and-outs on their own 25-yard line instead of just waiting for them to march downfield, feel the goal post against their backs and then stiffen up and stop them. Let's flip the switch on this shit and start doing that right away.
FIRST DEGREE NEGATIVE: T TRENT WILLIAMS - If you are the #4 overall pick, I expect you at this point in your second year to move beyond raw athleticism and start to be a dominant force. Trent Williams was not that tonight, and has not been that consistently enough to warrant his spot in last year's draft. Two spots ahead of him was Ndukamong Suh, who has changed the face of the Lions defense. One spot behind him was Eric Berry, who - although - injured is already regarded as the Chiefs defining defensive player. At this point, Williams is still more potential than fulfillment, and I'm not too stoked about that. I never felt Chris Samuels was as great as he should've been, but he was always good enough to not outright suck but never great enough to dominate. I fear Trent Williams is going to be a repeat performance of that. That's not good enough for a #4 draft pick.
SECOND DEGREE NEGATIVE: P SAV ROCCA - I love Sav Rocca, so it actually pains me to put him on this list as a negative. But he botched that hold on a field goal that ultimately could've been the difference in the game. Holding on field goals is like a million other jobs out there in this world where you can do it forever and it's entirely thankless and nobody gives a shit about you at all, never even notices you. But you screw up one time, and everybody is on you like hairy pussy on '70s porn. But still, there was nothing wrong with that play other than a botched hold, and then we lost by 2 fucking points.
THIRD DEGREE NEGATIVE: OC KYLE SHANAHAN - I know Shanahan the Younger is being groomed as the next great Genius Coach of this team, and it was kind of funny to see that played off Jason Garrett on the other side, who received similar hype from the Cowboys for years before getting the head coaching gig. But I just don't feel like this offense is as creative or non-vanilla as I'd like. Now I fully understand that maybe Lil Shanny doesn't have all the ingredients he'd like for his Offensive Gumbo just yet, but that's also the great thing about geniuses - they make do with lesser players and do big things with smaller parts.
FOURTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: T JAMMAL BROWN - Jammal Brown was straight up blown out on that last series. That was Rex's big chance to exorcise his own personal Failure Demons, and Brown started the series off with a false start, and ended it by letting his dude get around the outside and flick the ball out of Rex's hands from behind. Not a good look by Brown there at the end, flumped over the scrum pile, helmet in the turf, realizing it was he who let his man end the game for all intents and purposes. I don't blame Rex on that ending; I blame big Jammal.
FIFTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: CB DEANGELO HALL - But before I blame either of them, I blame fucking DeAngelo Hall. I blame him so much, for the first time this year, I'm not even including Dan Snyder in my negative list, at all, just to highlight my dissatisfaction with DeAngelo Hall. He's always been a thorn to swallow, and tends to overvalue his own value to this team, because he's far from the shut-down corner he'd like to think he is. And even after getting punked by Larry Fitzgerald last week on a huge TD that almost lost last week's game, he talked smack about smacking Romo's ribs. I didn't think the comment was out of hand at all, but still, you probably learn after a few years in the NFL to be humble and not say even potentially inflammatory things when you just got burned for a 70-yard TD by a dude you had just bragged had never burned you deep, even in college (which Hall did regarding Larry Fitzgerald before last week's game). But to then give up a huge 3rd down conversion to allow this week's game to get away? Terrible. And whenever there was an open receiver catching a pass and moving up field for ten yards before being tackled, who was there? #23. (I won't fault Hall for the 15-yard face mask penalty on that 3rd down conversion, because honestly, if he hadn't have grabbed the face mask it probably would've been a TD, with his weak ass tackling ass.) It's just not good, and Hall is quickly becoming a big liability on an otherwise stout defense. Like when you look at this defense, you think to yourself, "Wow, they're looking pretty good." And then someone goes, "what's their weakness?" and you know it's the secondary. And they go, "what part of the secondary?" and you think about how awesome Laron Landry is and how happy you've been with Josh Wilson and how you're not sure yet on O.J. Atogwe because you have Adam Archuleta-inspired fears about him still... and then you see DeAngelo Hall standing over there, And there's really no way to address it. You just have to hope something clicks with Hall that doesn't necessarily seem to click with him that easily. And it makes you feel uneasy, because the defense is the best side of this thing you are pulling for, and you'd like to pretend that at least that side is unblemished and beautiful. But then there's big gaping canker sore with a #23 right there, and you start to question your own delusional fandom for thinking this thing is on the right track at all. Fuck.
ACCUMULATED INFLUENCES UPON THIS FRANCHISE 2011, BEST TO WORST: TE Fred Davis (+13), MLB London Fletcher (+12), OLB Brian Orakpo (+11), OLB Ryan Kerrigan (+9), NT Chris Neild (+8), WR Santana Moss (+7), S Laron Landry (+6), TE Chris Cooley (+5), RB Roy Helu (+5), LB Rocky McIntosh (+5), KR/PR Brandon Banks (+4), WR Anthony Armstrong (+2), CB Josh Wilson (+1), P Sav Rocca (+1), QB Rex Grossman (+1), T Trent Williams (-1), K Graham Gano (-2), S Reed Doughty (-2), OC Kyle Shanahan (-3), T Jammal Brown (-4), CB DeAngelo Hall (-6), and owner Dan Snyder (-6).
