2012 Chicago Bears: Looking for reasons to complain.

"I will destroy you and all you've ever loved! YAAAAAAAAY!"

I originally had every intention of keeping up that one-a-week pattern I've had in years past, but weird life schedules and the league's insistence on having Bears play at times when I have to be asleep because of my weird schedule have stood in the way of that more often than not. Fuck Monday Night games, Fuck Thursday night games, and I'm not gonna try to fake like I have some insight about what happened in a game I didn't watch, because no one gains anything from reading another soulless stat-based recap, which is I'm pretty sure is why Armchair Linebacker was started in the first place. That and mushrooms, probably. Also, let's face it: Things have been going really well for the Bears this year, and football fans writing about their team being awesome can only come off sounding like total assholes, and I have at least that much self-awareness that I'd know I was being an asshole while doing it. So if that's what you want, just imagine the rest of this being things like, "guys, (insert name, probably of a defensive player) is a BEAST! BEAR DOWN!" or whatever, and then don't ever come back.

And with me being a sports pessimist of almost pathological levels, I've had this weird feeling of unease ever since it started to become apparent that the Packers game wasn't going to repeat itself ten more times in a row. Like things probably aren't actually as good as the record suggests, and even if they are, it can all fall apart at any second. Like in 2006, when the Bears were briefly a team making the '72 Dolphins nervous until the Cardinals exposed Rex Grossman as a piece of shit, or last year, when the Bears were a semi-legit contender until Jay Cutler and Matt Forte were both struck down by the wrath of Zeus in consecutive weeks. And in reality, the question of whether things will all fall apart is always an if question, but in my brain that's been beaten into submission by twenty-plus years of the Bears always almost being good, but never completely, it's more of a question of when. Somehow, something's going to give, and instead of reveling in a 5-1 record, when I think about the Bears, it's always future visions of death and pain that may yet come to pass. Something is wrong with me, probably. But the warning signs and unexposed flaws are there. They're always there.


For starters, the Bears haven't really played anybody yet. The Bears have only played one team with a winning record so far, and that was the Packers, and the Bears lost that game. The Colts were bad enough to draft #1 overall last year, the Cowboys and Rams are pieces of shit, the Jaguars are huuuuuge pieces of shit, and the Lions seem to be having one of those "what the hell, I thought these guys were going to be contenders" downfalls that some team has every year. Of course the Bears beat up on the Colts, Rams, Cowboys, and Jaguars, because that's what you're supposed to do to those teams. Against a team with elements of a team that was supposed to be good and they barely escape with the win. Put them against an actual, fully-good team, and they lose. This is not what happens when a team is going to finish 15-1 with a Lombardi trophy. Starting in November, the Bears hit a six-game stretch that includes Houston, San Francisco, Green Bay and Minnesota twice. (And Tennessee, but who cares about them) If they can win at least four of those non-Tennessee games, then I might start getting excited. Until then, it's fear and lots of Tums.

And man, no one seems to notice this, but outside of The Glorious Brandon Marshall, the entire offense always looks like it's this close to becoming a complete shambles again. And you'd think that more people would be screaming about it because everyone hates Jay Cutler, but overall, the passing game really hasn't been there. Cutler has attached himself to Marshall like a goddamn remora riding a goddamn great white shark, and the end result is a whole bunch of stupid-assed throws in stupid-assed places, because the dude gets tunnel vision and sees no jersey number other than 15. So instead of this finally being the year a Bear QB finally smashes all the single-season team passing records, (that are mostly just maybe above average by most teams' standards) he's turned into a lower-tier QB who's lucky to have more touchdowns than interceptions, and if the team was 2-4 instead of 5-1 with the same performance, fat dudes with mustaches everywhere would be screaming for Jason Campbell to start, making it the first time in history that the Bears fan base has yearned for the white man to get his comeuppance. I've been the world's biggest Jay Cutler apologist for the last few years, but if he's going to have his worst year as a starter now that he finally has real receivers and no Mike Martz plotting his demise, it might be time to face the possibility that he's really not all that good.

So yeah, you've got a really good defense here that hasn't even played its best football yet, with Urlacher and the Uberklaw walking wounded out there, (Weird observation here - People keep comparing them to the 2006 team, but no one remembers that the '05 team still had Tommie Harris and Mike Brown healthy, and actually had a better defense overall. Just like no one knows that the 1986 team was actually better than the '85 Super Bowl team. TODD BELL WAS THE KEY.) and I suppose the running game hasn't been that bad. But between Jay Cutler's selective blindness, the fact that Alshon Jeffery and Johnny Knox (remember him?) are out means Devin Hester is thrust back into the awkward role as a starting wide receiver, and that fucking offensive line, this is a team that's one twisted ankle for Brandon Marshall away from going on a six-game losing streak at any second. So pardon me for not jumping with joy, spray painting the house navy blue and orange, and waving my genitals in the general direction of all the stupid goddamn Cowboys fans around here. Because we've been here before, and we know it can always fall apart, because aside from that one time when I was five years old, it always has fallen apart. Or maybe I just have some sort of brain disease, who knows.

Anyway, the Bears play the Panthers in a minute, and the Panthers are awful garbage, but for some reason, Charles Tillman is as bad at covering little tiny wide receivers like Steve Smith as he is at covering big, impossible-to-cover ones like Calvin Johnson, so it won't be a shutout. So, hell, I dunno, Bears 38, Panthers 17, and I'll get to watch this one on illegal internets for a change, so I might actually have things to say about it. I might not actually say them, but eh, what can you do.

Symptoms and Signs

Tim Jennings!

To most normal people, the first week of the NFL season is a time a wide-eyed hope and good thoughts for the future; "every team is 0-0" and whatnot. Of course, for at least 50% of those puddinheads, any peaceful easy feeling they might have had about the year goes down in nightmarish flames in the first couple weeks, usually taking at least three starters to Injured Reserve in the process. But you see, that sort of thing rarely happens to me, because I'm not normal people, and I know better. And I know that the recent history of the Chicago Bears is the same every year: Show just enough to make people think they might be good next year, squeak out some ugly wins over losers, get blown out by all the real teams, somehow manage to split the series with the Packers, then either go somewhere between 7-9 and 9-7, missing the playoffs, or go 11-5, then lose in soul-crushing fashion in a game that counts. But when comparing last year's off season to the one that just happened, and especially after watching the Colts game, holy crap, dudes, something actually seems different this time.  I'm pretty sure that at some point either earlier this year (or maybe even late last year when the Bears' season was over while still having games left on the schedule) I made reference to Roy Williams or someone like that being pretty much the Symptom of the Chicago Bears, in as much as he was a living example of everything that was wrong at the time. (As opposed to the Symptom of the Universe, which is a love that never dies.) As a shitty player that everyone knew was shitty but got signed anyway, because he was cheap and willing and because he had played some small part in a coach's (real or imagined) past success, it was all right there in one big human ball of shit. And holy hell, with Jerry Angelo gone, a new GM around, and me making the mental leap to stretch a few performances from Sunday into an indicator of the future season as a whole, it's even more apparent that the Roy Williams era of Chicago football may have finally died a terrible death. Because when I think to the way the Chicago offense played, it suddenly hits me that all of the new guys they signed, drafted, or traded for and put into major roles affected the team in a positive way, and none of them were directly tied to Lovie Smith or Mike Tice in the past. And not only this, but to put a big-ass damning spotlight on the way the team used to be run, almost all of them were brought in to replace someone who was supposed to make everything better last year. To sum shit up all nice-like, it's looking an awful lot like the Bears are actually going after players that might logically help them, rather than just settling for Senor Spielbergo and their cheaper, non-union equivalents.

The most obvious of all was Brandon Marshall, the guy you've all heard of, who looked goddamn near uncoverable at times, like a slightly smaller, way slower, but still fairly unstoppable Calvin Johnson. The Bears finally have a true Number One Receiver™ for the first time since... Hell, I dunno, Marcus Robinson and Marty Booker were both really good for like a year apiece, I guess? Harlon Hill? Christ, like ever, maybe? Barring injury, the dude is almost a lock to break every meaningful single-season team receiving record, not to mention that the gaggle of slot guys and deep threats the Bears usually have masquerading as the main guy might actually get open once in a while. Most importantly, a real receiving threat forcing opponents to actually drop people back into coverage on any given play means that they can't just tee off on the Bears still pretty makeshift offensive line with seven or eight guys at a time. It's a crazy-ass development that as a Bears fan, I still can't quite wrap my head around, because outside of a one year wonder or two, the wide receiver position has been a complete dead zone for this team for almost my entire life. Crazy. The thing is, under the Old Ways, Roy Williams was the guy who was supposed to do and be all of these things. Roy-ass Williams who had been forgotten for years and only remember to be the subject for a joke. And I know, Marshall is no sure thing with the kind of past that guy has had, but you have to admit, no matter how many times his brain has flipped the script and he and his wife have decided to headbutt each other over the side of a mountain or whatever, it's never affected what he's done on the field. Not to mention that unlike all the other head-case wide receivers that litter the NFL, Marshall's borderline personality disorder gives him the street cred of being legitimately messed-up in the head, as opposed to the Randy Mosses of the world who just saw Jerry Maguire too many times and decided to try living out their stupid Cuba Gooding Jr. pouty superstar fantasies. Marshall has reasons for the weird things he's done; Roy Williams and dudes like him are just assholes.

And Brandon Marshall wasn't the only case like that who I saw Sunday. The guy I noticed the most was rookie fullback/tight end/h-back/executive chef/forklift driver/whatever Evan Rodriguez, who took over for gritty, hard-working fan favorite Tyler Clutts, and seemed to be right there plowing a path for every time Matt Forte and Michael Bush made positive gains. Last year, the Bears just plucked Clutts off someone's practice squad and made him a starter at the last minute, and the dude was a mess. He had a blocking technique that consisted of just madly flopping around like a catfish that had been sprayed with mace; just diving at whoever was in front of him and missing a good seven-eighths of the time. Of course, the eighth time when he actually knocked a guy over, the announcers would just freak out, telling you his whole harrowing journey through the Arena league and wherever else he had come from, because they had those note cards right there, and they had to get that out of the way eventually. Mostly, he just ended up with his dick in the dirt, while Forte fought valiantly to juke the dude he was supposed to have been blocking. Now, he's been traded to Houston, and I suppose they'll like him there, because I figure that's a place where they're real sympathetic to below-average, blond white dudes who just lost their job because their boss figured out that they could get the job done cheaper and more efficiently with a guy named Rodriguez. Then, there's Michael Bush at running back, doing the job that Marion Barber was supposed to do last year, taking all the short yardage, smash-people-in-the-face runs and adding a couple years to Matt Forte's career in the process. Not to mention Eric Weems, taking over the special teams, all-around utility WR role that Sam Hurd was supposed to have last year, except that Weems is also a kick-ass return guy who can screw with teams trying to kick away from Devin Hester. Not to mention that he's not pushing keys of coke on the side. That's kind of important. Overall, what I'm seeing is that the Bears approached the off season with a plan for any sort of future, rather than the old way of doing things. Last year, it was like this was a Madden franchise that had run out of cap room and still needed 9 new starters before the computer would let them play a game, so they just said "Well, that guy there, he only wants $600,000 and he exists. Suit him up." Now, it's like they're actually thinking and getting the guys they want, rather than just struggling to hit the magic number of 53 dudes.And hell, add in Alshon Jefferey as Marshall's twisted little Mini-Me and you've started adding new pieces to the machine, instead of just replacing the broke-ass old ones all the time. Such is the way of champions, probably.

But really, enough about all that. The Bears stomped all over Peyton Junior and the Colts, but really, it was just one game, it was just the stupid Colts, (Weird to think of the Colts as a dismissible team after the last decade-plus) and it's over now. There's bigger issues at hand, and those are the Green Bay Packers. Really not sure what to think of this one, as I'm not sure what to think of the Packers right now. I know, the 49ers beat up on them pretty good, and people are acting like this is some perfect storm of opportunity, where the Bears and their fancy new offense are going to steam into Lambeau and assert their new-found dominance over the NFC North the old country way. But really, I don't buy the Packers as a team in shambles so much as it was a case of the 49ers being that ridiculously good right now. And the Bears are more vulnerable than the Colts game would make them appear, with a lot of "yeah, but"s attached to the win, with the biggest being that it was a game against the Indianapolis Colts. The Packers are going to be pissed off and unwilling to drop to 0-2 against their biggest rival, and there's Charles Tillman's playing tonight, but there's no guarantee he'll be in there all night. If Andrew Luck's rookie ass was able to put up big numbers against the side of the Bears secondary that didn't have Tim Jennings on it once he went down, what will Aaron Rodgers do? Behind Tillman and Jennings, the Bears have no secondary to speak of, and things could get really bad if Rodgers remembers that Kelvin Hayden exists. Of course, the Packers themselves won't have Greg Jennings, (I guess he's not gonna put da team on he back this time.) so if Tillman does play, chances improve drastically. If you shut down the pass, you shut down the Packers, because that's really all they have. Of course, if you can apparently go 15-1 that way, it might be all they need. The big difference this time is that if the Packers do wild out and start scoring points all over the place, the Bears might actually be able to shoot back a few times. So as much as I'd love to sit here and tell you people that the Bears are going to devastate and destroy the Packers so hard that they have to disband the team, and that Cedric Benson will literally have his soul ripped out of his body by the dreaded Uberklaw, and that Clay Matthews Jr. will be so utterly destroyed by the Bears suddenly-competent offensive line that his children shall weep, for they will never again see their dear father's face, the reality is that it  probably won't happen that way. I'm guessing it'll be a long and ugly game, but rather than ugly in the Bears vs. Packers way, with running and defense and all, that it'll be ugly in more of a 21st century NFL Lawyerball way, where quarterbacks go nuts, a brand name is plastered to every surface, and physical contact of any kind will be subject to heavy financial penalty. And a lot of points will be scored. And since I'm feeling pretty positive right now, looking more to embrace a destiny than accept a fate, I'm saying the Bears win.

PREDICTION: BEARS 38, PACKERS 31

Just sucks that I'll probably have to be in bed before the second quarter starts. Fuck Thursday Night games.

Dolphins Watch: In depth preview of Jets Monday Night Football game

First of all, check out Peter’s take on the upcoming Jets-Dolphins match-up here: http://www.armchairlinebacker.com/2011/10/jetsdolphins-preview-john-calvin-never.html. He’s a Jets fan, and it’s still worth reading. Be sure to come back here afterward. I’ll wait.

Okay, welcome back. We’ll start with Brandon Marshall. He claimed during a press conference today that was planning on getting thrown out during the second quarter of the Jets game. He followed up with:

"I'm not joking. I'm serious," Marshall told the South Florida Sun Sentinel. "They're going to fine me. It's probably going to be like a $50,000 fine. But that quarter and a half that I'm out there, I'm going to play like a monster.

"I might get in a fight with Bart Scott. (Antonio) Cromartie, we pretty much matured our relationship and grew a little bit. We used to fight in Denver and San Diego. If that happens, it happens, so we'll see."

I have a number of thoughts about those comments. That number is five:

1. Brandon Marshall was diagnosed earlier this year with borderline personality disorder, and very publicly spoke out about it before the season. There was an incident where he apparently stabbed his wife because of this personality disorder. He is a nutbar.

2. I hope he does get thrown out of the game because he’s had five drops so far this. If he had caught those passes, the Dolphins would be 2-2 right now.

3. No one would notice if he was thrown out of the game anyway.

4. I want to defecate in Brandon Marshall’s face.

5. The problem with me printing his comments for you like this is that you don’t get hear them. The part for me that was even worse than the garbage spewing forth from Marshall’s mouth was the journalists in the room nervously laughing at what he was saying like he was the funniest human being alive. This is the type of thing that fuels Shaq, by the way. He’s lived his life in this bubble where all his life people have been laughing at his crummy jokes and convincing him he’s really funny. I guess it doesn’t hurt that he’s seven foot tall and like 500 pounds. But I digress.

Now! Let’s get down to the business of analyzing this football game! I hate this game. If we win this game, we get to say we’ve beaten our hated rivals on the big stage of Monday Night Football. The downside is that we can’t really afford to win right now, because there are too many lousy teams in the NFL, and you *know* the Colts are going to keep losing, so we have to keep up with them in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. But, if we lose, we have to deal with annoying Jets fans telling us how much we suck, even though beating the Dolphins isn’t exactly anything to whistle Dixie about.

As for the Jets, offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer has been the recipient of many a harsh word from New York fans for his play calling. Justifiably so, in my estimation, since I believe the Jets run the same eight plays over and over, making it easy for defenses to key in on them and stop them from scoring. The Jets appear to be a team that plays its best when they run the ball 35-40 times per game and sprinkle in the pass in between. They certainly have some good rushers to do just that. However, lately they seem to be relying too heavily on the pass, and again, that’s the kind of thing a defense can take note on and easily thwart.

Luckily for the Jets, they’re not playing a smart team. They’re playing the Dolphins. Karlos Dansby had a great quote earlier this week where he was talking about how much the team misses Channing Crowder (who was replaced before the season by Kevin Burnett), because Crowder had the ability to read what the offense was doing and help the rest of the defense identify it and stop it. All that tells me is that the rest of the team isn’t very smart and doesn’t do their homework properly. These are abilities Karlos Dansby should have. Apparently he does not, and the reason for that is because he is a poopy diarrhea dump of a football player.

Now, if the Jets offense is predictable, the Dolphins offense is even more predictable. They’re going to try to pound you to death, three yards at a time. They’re going to try to run Reggie Bush between the tackles, even though he’s never been successful at that in the whole of his lifetime. They’re going to chuck up a pass to Brandon Marshall that he will not catch because he is not able to catch football passes. It gets even better when you consider that Chad Henne is injured, and so we’re going with Matt Moore at QB.

So yeah, this is a must lose situation for the Dolphins. The Rams are winless. The Colts are winless. The Broncos are too close. The Seahawks are too close. We need to keep losing and keep closing throughout the rest of the season. Unfortunately, the Jets have lost three in a row, and the Dolphins are really good at beating the Jets in New York. So, like I said before, either way, whatever the result of this game is, there is a 50-50 chance I’m going to hang myself on Monday night and this will be the last post you ever see of me on here.

In the end, I think the Jets have enough talent to pull out the victory, which will bring back the blustery, overly confident Jet fan in full force. “We’re back, playoffs here we come, somebody help us beat the Patriots, blah blah blah.” (Man, there are a lot of Jets fans in Miami. And they all call in to the talk radio shows, too.)

Ultimately, Dan Carpenter will get a couple field goals Tony Sparano can jack off to, and the Jets will outscore them just by sheer will and slightly less incompetence. I will be busy IV’ing alcohol into my veins and shooting heroin into my eyeballs to cope.

Final score: Jets 17, Dolphins 13