(oh Chief Zee, what the fuck is going on with these dudes?)
DONOVAN MCNABB BENCHING STILL MAKING NEWS – Worst part to the bye week because it still festers, as now respected fake journalist John Feinstein wrote a column accusing the Shanahans of being racialists and using “racial coding”. I should point out that I have been surrounded by racism all my life, graduated from one of the public schools that was shut down for five years after desegregation (look up Davis vs. Prince Edward County – that’s my school!) and still had a private school that did not allow black students in 1990. Yeah, no shit. So I have been immersed in this bullshit my whole life, and still have never heard, nor have any fucking idea what “racial coding” is. Sounds like eugenics to me though, some scientific plot to eliminate 100% through the use of pop cultural images to mulatto-afy everybody, but with secretly engineered traditionally white strengths. And here everybody thought race-mixing was going to destroy the white race, when actually it was predesigned to destroy the black race. Obama is our first “black” President, even though he is bi-racial, not black. Whatever, I digress, yet again.
So John Feinstein is a dude who writes like three books a month, usually dippy white guy shit like THE GREATEST GAME EVER PLAYED: THE STORY OF AN OBSCURE BASKETBALL GAME IN 1959 NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT or SOMETHING ABOUT GOLF FOR GOLF FAGGOTS and things like that. I think he even has started writing fake Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew books about The Case of the Missing Tuck Rule or some wacky shit because he has teenagers and has hit that level of pretentious writer fuck that he thinks the rest of the goddamned world gives half a shit that he write a book specifically designed for his child. So Feinstein wrote some column accusing the Shanahans of being racist, perhaps. Aside from the fact that is always hilarious when an ultra-white golf-playing upper middle class white guy (who I think is Jewish and will probably do that thing that Jewish people do in situations and pretend they are not for-real white) makes accusations of racism IN HONOR OF THE BLACKS, because that is that same old tired thinking – that they couldn’t possibly defend themselves to such a well-thought out scale, so let me carry the cause. This is why they sell all those goddamned red shirts and think it helps Uganda or Sudan or whatever completely fucked part of Africa is the cause célèbre of the month.
But aside from that, the modern internet news cycle creates a bunch of something out of nothing. Basically, Donovan McNabb has sucked this year. In fact, he has sucked so bad that momentarily the Shanahans were like, “Well fuck it, maybe Rex Grossman ain’t any worse,” because they had forgotten exactly how shitty Rex Grossman was. Well, one snap of the football, QB sandwich, Grossman coughs the ball high into the air, arcing down into Ndonkeykong Suh’s hands, game over. Grossman sucks more. It’s all very simple. The real mistake is today’s political correctness and sports people not being able to admit mistakes. Mike Shanahan made up some convoluted shit about hamstrings and 2-minute offenses and all when he should’ve just said, “Look, McNabb has sucked shit a lot of times this year, so I figured fuck it, let’s give the Sex Cannon a shot. But then he showed us all why when we think of the name Rex Grossman we think of epic fails. So McNabb is my guy.” Issue over.
So in closing, fuck John Feinstein. Go write a book about a crusading columnist who defends downtrodden millionaire negros against their racist overlord owners but is not given a Pulitzer award in the process so now has a terribly empty looking spot where that award would have gone on the mahogany walls of his 1200 square foot home office in his main residence, not his summer residence up north.
(poor #26, always getting accused of bullshit)
CLINTON PORTIS WEARS A PHILLIES HAT – This actually made national news yesterday as ol’ C.P. is healing up from his torn the fuck up groin, and was wearing a Phillies hat while talking about the Eagles game coming up. This was made into a giant issue by all sorts of people, as if Portis was sending a secret shot at the Redskins. Here is a little note to the world: a lot of younger black people, and white people as well, in fact all people who have grown up post-hip hop, they often times wear things not for the brand on them but for the color. Shit gots to match. I own a slew of football jerseys gotten on the cheap from the scratch-and-dent outlet, and wear them on my mood. I am not a Matt Ryan nor Falcons fan, but the black jersey with the bird outlined in red on the sleeves, it’s a good look sometimes. Shit man, I hate Notre Dame and wish the entire college would crumble into AIDS dust so that the football team would leave my TV screen forever plus one, but I still rock a lime green ND jersey sometimes. Why? Because I like the color of it. Portis wasn’t doing shit but wearing all-red. If we’re gonna make an issue out of the Phillies hat, we might as well go all-out and wonder if he’s in a gang since he was wearing red. Is this a response to Cowboys blue? Have the Bloods and Crips infiltrated the NFL locker room now too? What does this mean for our children? What about DJ Quik? Will he get paid to produce some tracks for high end people like Lady Gaga or maybe do a Taylor Swift remix now?
(Laron & his monkey)
LARON LANDRY OWNS A MONKEY – When the bye week started, I was gonna do a metasciences post on the bye week and hype up or down everybody on the team I thought was good for the future. But I just didn’t feel like doing it. The metasciences schtick should be reactionary to actual games, not just overused for anything, or else the sciences half of it is lost. But I can tell you that Laron Landry was gonna be at the top of the list, even before I found out that the dude has a white capuchin monkey as a pet. The reason? Because they can grow old with you. Laron mentioned it, and then wherever I read it said they came out, thinking it was a joke, but there was a little monkey outside with one of Laron’s friends, wearing a diaper, and Laron talked up how they live for 30 years, so he’ll have that monkey until he dies, and they can bury the monkey with him, and how Laron changes the diapers himself and loves the little guy. You combine this with the working out in his hotel room all through the night while pumping slow jams loud as fuck, and what you have is perhaps one of the strangest fuckers in the NFL. Honestly, Laron is about two wacky stories or one big game-changing play in a key game away from surpassing Sean Taylor in my Redskins idolatry. For real. And Sean Taylor is like a Holy Grail of Awesomeness to us Redskins fans.
(oh zorny)
THIS TEAM WAS SUPPOSED TO SUCK IF YOU HAD ANY SENSE ABOUT YOURSELF – We are only halfway through the season, and they are 4-4, which is better than I expected. This is not a well-stocked team, by any means. If Mike Shanahan can get an 8-8 season out of these guys, I will be happy. If somehow they do one better than that and get a wild card (shit, in the NFC they might get a wild card at 8-8), even greater. But really, if you take off the burgundy-tinted glasses, this is a shitty team overall with a lot of overrated “talent” and missing depth or even quality starters on both sides of the ball along the trenches. And yet they are 4-4. Amazing. They will be playing a game that actually matters, a lot, in the middle of November. So I am happy. At least with guys like Anthony Armstrong and Brandon Banks and Ryan Torain, I can feel like they are open to anybody who can help coming in and being a part of this team, instead of the regular Snyder method of “We are going to pay a lot of money for these free agents, or draft these overhyped rookies, and we are going to stick with them until long after everybody else sees they suck, because we have faith in the fact our money has more value than reality.” Speaking of which, that reminds me of one last item…
(Hassan i-Sabbah, the Old Man of the Mountain, leader of the Hashshashin Cult)
GET WELL SOON LITTLE ASSASSIN – B-double aka Brandon Banks aka the Smallest Man in the NFL apparently has gotten himself a nickname – The Little Assassin. Unfortunately, he had a minor knee surgery during the bye week and will be out for a few weeks, but he has added special teams pop, which we have not had since Brian Mitchell left D.C., and more importantly he has added something to this team which it has had very little (if any) of the entire fucking time Dan Snyder has owned this team – Heart. Snyder is a soulless bastard of a human who now has his wife parading around on TV interviews PR campaigning about how all her husband wants to really do is win. Whatever. Fuck you richboy (I mean Dan Snyder, not the Alabama rapper… that “just bought a Cadillac” song was the jam back in the day).
It is important to remember the etymology of the word “assassin”. It comes from an semi-Islamic cult called hashshashin whose members would getting smoked up as hell on hash to go out and commit a public murder of someone who was holding us all back, usually stabbing the fuck out of them, to achieve a bloodlust/drug-induced spiritual frenzy. Now I’m all for the fake brand of freedom that we have in this here United States of America, where we can buy all types of dumb crap and I can talk the nonsense I talk in a public forum and nobody imprisons me or chops off my typing fingers. But sometimes I think we could use some of the old world’s ways. Like when I think about the hashshashin cult and I see a guy like Dan Snyder doing what he does, yeah, it seems so obvious. Yet we are a culture that dulls our spiritual frenzies with street legal alcohol, so we go home after another failed Redskins situation/game/season and drunkenly beat – verbally or physically in extreme cases – our loved ones, instead of getting smoked out on some red hash and putting our 12-inch Ka-Bar tactical knives to good use, and making a better future for us all. Oh well. I guess that’s the pussy ass world we live in. Go Redskins.
