These Are More Fun To Do When The Lions Win

Well, here we are again, old friend. It's been a long season, but we're still here. We're still here.

A little bit of a mixed bag this week, but I got the big one right, which is that the Lions beat the Dolphins. It feels good to put your nuts on the table week after week and not have them be smashed into a pulp by some maniac with a giant sledgehammer who looks like a methed out version of Gallagher, which I guess isn’t that much different than the actual Gallagher now that I think about it. How did I end up talking about Gallagher in only the second sentence of this thing? Jesus, that might be a new record: Quickest Devolution into Weird Gibberish. Also, I’m not sure why “I put my nuts on the table” has become my standard way of saying “Oh yeah, I predicted that.” It’s a disturbing image and I apologize. I mean, I don’t make a habit of teabagging random tables although I did make love to a fine mahogany dining room table on a hot summer’s day once. It was the sort of day when everything is sticky and I could just smell the wood and it smelled so sweet and I knew it was calling to me and so I took a deep breath and I . . . where am I? What’s going on? Oh well, enough gibberish. Let’s just get to the breakdown of this week’s predictions and I promise not to mention the name Drew Stanton. Oh shit . . . too late I guess. Okay, okay, I promise not to talk about tables anymore. I’m pretty sure I can keep that promise. Wait . . . it is the table that was the disturbing part of that story, right? I was just a victim, led on by that sultry villain, and . . . great, now tonight I am going to dream about Gallagher making hot, sweaty love to Drew Stanton on top of a mahogany dining table, their flesh slapping and sticking in the humidity of a late August day while I stand, lonely and confused with my nuts on some lowly plastic coffee table, watching, watching, watching . . .

The most horrible thing I’ve written here at Armchair Linebacker? Maybe. Maybe. But these are strange and terrible times and . . . okay, fine, I’ll just get on with it.

PREDICTION THE FIRST: Hill starts and is a little rusty, but not nearly as rusty as he was against the Bills. He completes 25 of 37 passes for 265 yards, with 2 touchdowns and 1 interception.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: As Scott Stapp would say, Welllllllllllllllll (insert sound of a donkey braying), I was sorta right? Hill completed 14-26 passes for 222 yards with 2 touchdowns and perhaps most importantly, 0 interceptions. He was a little rusty, but he wasn’t as bad as he was in the game against Buffalo and the result was . . . just enough.

Yes, just enough. Hill wasn’t actively good or anything but he wasn’t bad either. Aside from a couple of misplaced balls, he managed to find his receivers much of the day. He was hurt by a couple of drops (Hey, Brian Clark? Yeah, you can collect your things outside of the locker room. They’re in that box right over there. Those guards? They’re just here to make sure you get to your car safely. After all, this is Detroit.), and a couple of idiot plays by his receivers – most notably the one in the 4^th quarter that saw Brandon Pettigrew just quit on a play – and had they made those plays, Hill’s numbers would look downright good.

It is telling that I can come away feeling somewhat disappointed, though, by Hill’s game because if his name was Drew Stanton everyone would probably be raving about how he’s a gamer and about how he Gritted his way to a Lions victory. The expectations for Hill are a bit higher than for Stanton and really, that’s the point. An average, or a slightly subpar day for him, is the equivalent to a revelatory game from Stanton. Hill was not particularly good against the Dolphins and yet his performance was pretty much right in line with what Stanton did against the Buccaneers last week.

Indeed, when it looked like the Lions were going to lose the game against Miami, I was already dreading the cascade of dumb THIS NEVER WOULDA HAPPENED IF THEY STARTED STANTON bullshit gibberish that was going to flow down from every corner of the fanbase. I was already prepared to point out how the difference in the games was not the play of the quarterback but the play of the defense and the running game. In fact, I was all prepared to point out that Hill’s game was actually more impressive than Stanton’s Bucs game because he had to play without the benefit of a functional running game. This meant that he was forced to make plays with his arm and throw the ball when the Dolphins knew that he was going to throw. Given those same conditions, I almost guarantee Stanton would have imploded.

Man, I’m sorry. I am self-aware enough to realize that I am behaving shamefully and that Stanton has become my white whale. It seems like all I do these days is chase him down with a harpoon in my hand, foaming at the mouth, and it is unseemly and vaguely pathetic. It’s just that every time I think I’m done with him, I hear or read some gibberish about how he gives the Lions the best chance to win and about how we need him to stay in Detroit and I become unhinged and I reach for my harpoon and it’s back to the open seas, boys and everyone groans and thinks “Jesus, not again,” but I am wild eyed and unreasonable because this is what Drew Stanton does to me. I cannot help myself. I just want him to go away. Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop!

Okay. Okay. Shaun Hill. Let’s talk more about him. Hill played okay. He wasn’t good, but he wasn’t bad either. The most impressive play I thought he made all day actually came on an incompletion on third down in the 4^th quarter. The Lions were driving, they were in Miami territory, they were ten points down and they absolutely needed to make something happen or the game was as good as over. Hill dropped back to pass on third down and immediately, he was under siege. There were Dolphins everywhere. The play was doomed, he was going to get sacked and oh well, at least we won two in a row, but then Hill spun out of trouble, looked down field, scrambled and then tossed up a floater to an open part of the field. There was no one there. Not a Lion, not a Dolphin, no one. But Hill saw Brandon Pettigrew and when he threw that ball, he did so believing that Pettigrew would keep running and would go out and get it. It was a beautiful play by Hill at the most crucial point in the game. All Pettigrew had to do was keep running. But he didn’t, the ball dropped to the ground and the Lions punted. People will forget this play. They will remember the Lions furious comeback and all they will remember will be the interceptions and the implosion of Chad Henne. But what I’ll remember is that when the Lions desperately needed a play, Shaun Hill made something happen out of nothing. That play was dead, crushed, finished. But he MacGyvered his way out and he saw something that requires vision and foresight and all those things that a quarterback needs to be successful mentally. He saw possibility and if Brandon Pettigrew would have just kept running, the Lions would have converted a crucial third down. Shaun Hill doesn’t have the arm or the physical tools to be a big time NFL quarterback. In this, he and Stanton (Oh, Jesus, here we go again. . .) are very similar. But that one play highlighted the difference between the two. Hill can see possibilities. He gets the mental part of the game. I don’t think Drew Stanton does. He runs around and he leaves trails of grit behind him as he goes, but for all his furious scrambling and Pluck and OH MAN HE’S JUST A PLAYMAKER, there’s nothing really there. It ends up looking like panic, like he’s running around and scrambling and tossing random bags of grit because he doesn’t know what else to do. It doesn’t look like he’s making plays. It looks like he doesn’t see where the play is to be made. That’s a key distinction, and it’s that that is the biggest difference between Hill and Stanton. Hill is in control and when he scrambles, it’s to open up possibilities. When Stanton scrambles, it’s all just a bunch of noise signifying nothing. That’s right, I’m going to quote Shakespeare here. I’ve lost my mind and I can’t stop and even though I said this was about Hill it has once again turned into a vicious harpooning of Stanton and Goddammit, I’m gonna get me that whale!

I say this every week – hell, lately, every day – but this is the last thing I’m going to say about Stanton. I am going to use Shakespeare against him. I think it sums up both Stanton and my own toxic hate boner for him and what he represents. It is a condemnation of us both. Here it is, and damn it all, I mean it this time.

Drew Stanton: a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.

PREDICTION THE SECOND: The Lions again manage to run the ball fairly effectively, picking up 150 yards total. Again, no one ball carrier will exceed 15 carries and Maurice Morris will lead the way with 75 yards.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: In the words of that noted sage, Al Bundy . . . uh, no, Peg. The Lions ran for a grand total of 67 yards on 21 carries, reverting back to the parade of rancid shit which was the running game for much of the season before that little three week oasis in the middle of our desert of despair where we actually had a thriving running game. Was that oasis just a mirage? I don’t know. It’s hard to say whether those games were all just fluky or whether the Lions had found a way to run the ball creatively, which caught their opponents off balance but which has now been caught onto by the rest of the league or whether the Dolphins have just a really, really good run defense. Perhaps it’s a combination of all of the above. I think that’s the most likely answer.

You can’t deny that the Lions were able to run the ball there for a few weeks. That can’t be entirely a fluke. One game, yes, maybe, but three is a trend. But it’s not like the Lions were just lining up and running the ball down people’s throats either. The offensive line wasn’t exactly blowing defenses off the ball or anything. Instead, the Lions got creative – really creative – and that caused defenses to become unbalanced enough that there was always just enough of a crack for a ball carrier to run through. Everybody was running the ball in those few weeks – Maurice Morris, Jahvid Best, St. Calvin, Nate Burleson, Stefan Logan – and defenses could never just sit back and key on one guy. Hell, Stanton even ran the option a couple of times. That’s all great and Scott Linehan deserves a pat on the back for making it happen. But the NFL is loaded with athletes capable of making plays all over the field and so all it takes is a little adjustment here, a little adjustment there, and whatever advantages gained by that imbalance can be neutralized much, much easier than they can at the college or high school levels, in which entire offenses are built around the concepts of misdirection and spreading the defense out. And when that imbalance is corrected by a coach who’s on the ball – like Mike Nolan, the Dolphins defensive coordinator – it comes down to execution and brute strength and that’s where the Lions can’t quite get it done.

The Lions want to have a power rushing attack. Right now they lack the offensive linemen to do that. Everyone bitches about the offensive line because of Stafford’s injuries and most people want to lynch Jeff Backus but the reality is that the line has done an admirable job in pass protection this season. The Lions quarterbacks have not had to eat too many sacks and that's helped keep them in games even though those quarterbacks have been backups. They can be successful as long as they’re not asked to win the games on their own and make ridiculous plays in long yardage situations. Because the Lions offensive line has kept them clean, they have been able to play within themselves and make safe throws on 2^nd and 6 or 3^rd and 4 rather than chucking the ball up for grabs on 2^nd and 17 or 3^rd and 22. The line hasn’t gotten nearly the credit they deserve for that this season, Backus especially.

But . . . and you knew there was a but here, the Lions offensive line has utterly failed in the running game this season. One of the biggest reasons why Scott Linehan had to put on his wizard hat is because the line was opening zero holes in the conventional run game. When it comes down to just bearing down and driving the other team off the ball, Dominic Raiola and company have been just awful. I mentioned Raiola specifically because he’s the biggest culprit here. For a dude who likes to bitch everyone out from the fans to his own teammates and pretend like he’s some sort of He-Man warrior, Raiola consistently gets his ass kicked in the running game. He’s a finesse player, and that’s fine if that’s what you’re trying to do offensively, but he’s not big enough or, at least in my opinion, tough enough to take on defensive tackles in the run game. Scouts love him because he’s agile and he barks a lot and he gives off the aura of a dude who’s playing tough and he comes to work every day but he can’t hold up at the point of attack in the run game and really, that makes everything else irrelevant.

The irony is that for all the shit Backus gets, he’s probably the Lions best run blocker. That’s not really saying much given the absolute putrescence of Gosder Cherilus on the other side of the line, Raiola’s inability to hold up in the middle and the staggering mediocrity of Stephen Peterman and Rob Sims, but what the hell, that doesn’t make it any less true. The reality is that the Lions run game will likely continue to struggle – absent the occasional wizardry by Linehan anyway – without an upgrade at several positions along the line. Raiola needs to be replaced. So do Cherilus and Peterman. I think you can live with Backus and Sims but they’re not exactly going to cover the rest of the line’s ass, you know?

The running backs are good enough, I think. All they need is a combination of good health and good blocking and they’ll be fine – better than fine if Jahvid Best manages to get that combination. Best is the explosive runner capable of taking it to the house every time he touches the ball. We saw that against Miami, and while it wasn’t a run, it was a little swing pass that still required him to make a play in the open field. It was a play that didn’t require a lot of blocking and therefore served as an effective glimpse of what Best can do with blocking. By that, I mean that as long as he’s given room to move – either in the open field or via good blocking – he can end up in the end zone on virtually any play. Meanwhile, Maurice Morris has shown throughout his career and again this season that he can be a dependable move the chains kind of running back when given the opportunity. Sure, he only gained 22 yards on 12 carries against Miami (For the record, his 12 carries led the team, while Best’s 24 yards were tops.), but again, I blame that more on the subpar blocking and the Dolphins ability to make the Lions running attack fairly one dimensional. Add in Kevin Smith’s return next year and the Lions have a stable of running backs who have proven that they can be highly effective given adequate help.

PREDICTION THE THIRD: St. Calvin will catch 6 passes for 95 yards and 1 touchdown. Just another day at the office. (Jesus, did I really just type the phrase “Just another day at the office”? The next thing you know, I’ll be gibbering about “Having a case of the Mondays” or some such bullshit. I’m so, so sorry.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: In the words of . . . fuck this, I’m not doing a dumb cutesy quote for each one of these. St. Calvin caught 4 passes for 52 yards and failed to score a touchdown.

There’s not a lot to say here. St. Calvin didn’t really break out at all, but when the Lions needed him, he came through, particularly on the Lions second touchdown drive of the game, when they trailed by seven and needed to make something happen. The Lions leaned on St. Calvin again and again on third down and he came down with the ball every time. Should they have looked for him more throughout the game? Probably, but I didn’t really have a problem with the Lions game plan. For the most part, the receivers Shaun Hill did look for were in position to catch the damn ball and keep the drive moving. Sometimes they did and sometimes they maddeningly dropped the ball. I’d rather the Lions target open receivers – receivers who are made open by the over reaction of the defense to St. Calvin and their subsequent double and triple teaming of him by the way – than ask their backup quarterbacks to try to force the ball into a covered St. Calvin. Again, even when he’s not catching the ball, he’s affecting the game.

Further, St. Calvin’s numbers were depressed by the fact that he sat out the end of the game after being martyred. Had he played, the Lions almost surely would have gone to him, just like they did on that critical drive earlier in the game. But he didn’t and the result is 4 catches for 52 yards. Really, there’s not a whole lot else to say and thank God for that because these things are getting longer and longer every week.

PREDICTION THE FOURTH: Chad Henne will complete 27 of 42 passes for 270 yards with 1 touchdown and 2 interceptions. He’ll be sacked 5 times.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: In the words of Socrates . . . BOOM, MOTHERFUCKER! Henne completed 29 of 44 passes for 278 yards with 1 touchdown and 2 interceptions. Even Nostradamus is high-fiving me because I nailed that shit so epically. Of course, Henne was only sacked twice instead of the 5 times I predicted but we’ll let that slide even if that was kinda the meat of the prediction. Okay? Just give me this, damn it.

Henne was able to find receivers open much of the day because the Lions were playing with the functional equivalent of a narcoleptic goat and a broken toaster in the secondary thanks to the hilarious cavalcade of stupid injuries which have taken all of our defensive backs this season. Hell, at this point, Nathan Vasher is probably like one of those retarded degenerate kids in those Final Destination movies. He sees death everywhere and he’s talking to mystics and creepy Tony Todd looking motherfuckers trying to come up with a way to escape his fate.

So yeah, Chad Henne was able to find open receivers against the Lions. This also managed to allow him to avoid sacks for much of the day because he was able to just drop back and throw, drop back and throw, over and over and over again. I mean, you don’t have to sit in the pocket for too long when Brandon Marshall is 8 yards away from Vasher, you know? I said in the preview that the Dolphins would likely be able to move the ball through the air by going to a lot of short, quick passes which would neutralize the Lions pass rush. This is exactly what they did on their first drive. I also said that the field would then compress and they would lose much of the advantages that were gained by quick throws. This is also what happened for the most part and Henne’s numbers bear this out. I said this would be an example of a team being forced to play a bend but don’t break defense and, well . . . yeah. Eventually, Henne hanged himself with the rope he was given by the Lions defense.

I still thought the Lions defensive line would get to Henne more than they did, but that is where Vasher getting fooled over and over and over again by Marshall came into play. But, late in the game, Vasher tightened up his coverage. This was how he managed to pick Henne off. After getting fooled over and over again by Marshall, Vasher learned his lesson and nearly came up with a pick six in the fourth quarter. Later, he did pick off a pass. This tightening in coverage made all the difference as Henne became rattled and was forced to take an extra second or two every time he dropped back to pass. This didn’t result in any sacks, but it did result in the Lions flushing Henne out of the pocket several times and dragging him down after a one or two yard wounded buffalo scramble. That then caused Henne to get rid of the ball earlier, and try to force some things which led to his meltdown, Vasher’s interception, DeAndre Levy’s pick six, and . . . ballgame.

PREDICTION THE FIFTH: The Dolphins will run for a combined 110 yards, but neither Ronnie Brown nor Ricky Williams will look all that effective. One of them will break one frustrating run which sees busted tackles and poor tackling angles by the Lions secondary. Louis Delmas won’t play.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: The Dolphins ran for a combined 154 yards, but honestly, neither Ronnie Brown nor Ricky Williams looked all that effective. Williams looked the best, running for 71 yards on 14 carries, but one of those was a 28 yarder, a frustrating run out of the Wildcat which saw a couple of missed arm tackles and a generally frustrating effort by the Lions linebackers and safeties. Take that run away and Williams would have only run for 43 yards on 13 carries. Brown, meanwhile, ran for only 37 yards on 12 carries. So, aside from that one Wildcat run, the Dolphins two stud running backs ran for 80 yards on 25 carries. So, honestly, I think I kinda got this one right.

I also was right about Delmas not playing. His absence was felt in both the run and the pass defense. He was replaced in the lineup at free safety by C.C. Brown and since C.C.’s nickname is “Can’t Cover”, well . . . yeah. Meanwhile, Brown’s 28 yard scamper, which at that point felt like a dagger since it came late in the game and set the Dolphins up for a critical score, probably wouldn’t have been so bad with Delmas in the lineup. Fortunately, that was really the only one really bad run the Lions gave up – well, other than a 16 yard reverse to Marlon Moore, but shit, those things happen – and I think that’s because the coaches knew that they couldn’t get away with John Wendling in the starting lineup. He was the culprit on several of Tampa Bay’s biggest runs last week. This week, like I said, the Lions went with C.C. Brown at free safety. C.C. might not be able to cover but he generally does pretty well against the run. Amari Spievey played strong safety, much like he has for much of the second half of the season and so that was the one position in the secondary where we got the standard performance. It was probably a tandem that hurt the pass defense a bit, but for the most part it was the right call because it was more effective against the run than a Wendling and either Brown or Spievey tandem would have been.

In looking at this, it’s actually kind of amazing that the Lions didn’t just get run out of the stadium with the collection of retreads they were forced to throw out there in the secondary against the Dolphins. At the end of the game, they were down to Vasher as their number one cornerback, and let’s not forget that for much of the season he was behind Jonathan fucking Wade on the depth chart. Aside from him, the options were Tye Hill, the recently resurrected Eric King, Prince Miller and Ernie Sims’ monkey. I would have loved to seen Monkey Sims finally get his opportunity, but Vasher and Hill held it together just enough to force Chad Henne to self-immolate and the result was a 34-27 Lions win. I’m not sure who’s going to be back there next season but what this recent run has taught me is that Gunther Cunningham and Jim Schwartz could coach the shit out of a rusty can if they needed to. I’m confident that with a healthy Delmas, maybe a key free agent signing and a decent draft pick, the Lions secondary can at least be good enough to give the defensive line time to consume souls and gnaw on the bones of the wicked. And maybe, just maybe, they can actually be pretty damn good. If that happens, then this defense – and this team, with a healthy Matthew Stafford and Jahvid Best – can do anything.

WHAT I PREDICTED FOR THE FINAL SCORE: LIONS 24, DOLPHINS 20

ACTUAL FINAL SCORE: LIONS 34, DOLPHINS 27. CLOSE ENOUGH, DAMN IT.

The Ballad Of Ol' Plucky: The Final Verse (I Mean It This Time)

Drew Stanton, chillin' with his bros. If this were Matthew Stafford, those bros would be girls and, well, that's the difference between a star starting quarterback in the NFL and whatever the hell Drew Stanton is. Is that a ridiculous and offensive thing to say? Yes, but then again I am a ridiculous and occasionally offensive man. I contain multitudes, what can I say?

I know I blathered on yesterday about how time was against me and then proceeded to write a billion words making me look like an insufferable ass, but today I mean it, damn it. And yeah, yeah, I know that you all just rolled your eyes and thought “Jesus, this guy, eh?” but I am just throwing it out there in case you get to the end of this post and think “Hey, wait a minute, where’s the rest?” So there. Oh, also, because Friday is Christmas Eve, I’m going to do the preview post on Thursday which means that The Great Willie Young will have to be put on hiatus, which makes me sad, but fuck it, what are you gonna do? This will also happen next week considering that Friday is New Year’s Eve which means that we have likely seen the last of The Adventures of the Great Willie Young. At least for the rest of this season. I’ll probably throw a few more of his glorious tales out there in the offseason when nothing else is going on, so don’t fret mon amis.

Anyway, today I guess I have to talk about Drew Stanton again. I don’t blame you if you just pushed away from your computer in disgust. I don’t like it either. It is especially galling since I vowed just last week to never talk about him again. And now here we are, and I have talked about him in every post since then. This has made me look like a tremendous ass and I apologize. But to hell with all that, Drew Stanton just keeps rising from the deeps and taunting me and there’s no way that I can let that go. The narrative has changed. I no longer hate Ol’ Plucky but that doesn’t mean I’m all that fond of him either, you know? Part of making my peace with him was the knowledge that he would soon be gone and that I wouldn’t have to deal with any of, well, any of this anymore.

And so I cheered him on against the Bucs, my soul finally unburdened of the massive hate boner that I had been lugging around with me for far too long. I’ll pause while you acquire the mental image of me dragging around a gigantic hate boner. Also, you should probably note that a hate boner is up to ten times more dense than a normal boner due to the intense concentration of pure hate right at the center. Okay, got it? Good. I was happy that he did well because he was the quarterback for the Detroit Lions. I had come to an understanding with Drew Stanton’s place on the team and that allowed me to accept him for what he was – and for what he isn’t.

It’s that last part that seems to have gotten lost for some people in the aftermath of the Lions win over Tampa Bay. Ty wrote a little piece last night that basically reminded everyone that the Lions are still just a 4-10 team and we need to calm the fuck down and reign in our expectations for the rest of the season. I feel the same way about Stanton. After the win, it came to my attention that there were people calling in to the horrible, horrible land of talk radio and demanding – yes demanding – that Stanton be named the starting quarterback for next season. I’ll pause again to give you time to let that whacky shit sink in.

Okay. If you are done laughing your ass off or hyperventilating into a paper bag, we can move on. That little anecdote is possibly apocryphal since I wouldn’t listen to sports talk radio if you put a gun filled with AIDS and aged whale semen to my head. Someone somewhere out there is probably shaking their head and thinking that this is irresponsible on my part, but here is where I say that I am not a journalist and I really don’t give a fuck. Whether or not this actually happened – I was told that it did, and in my lazy defense, that’s enough for me to work with – I can believe that it happened because people are incredibly stupid.

I, uh . . . do I really need to argue the counter to that ridiculous bullshit? I hope not. But that’s not really the point here. That is the extreme reaction of hysterical retards and there is no point in arguing with extremists, you know? They will just babble at you wide eyed and vacant, possessed by some evil kind of stupidity that neither you nor I can truly comprehend. You just have to let them talk themselves into oblivion and then wave goodbye as they tumble off a cliff of retardation. The point is, is that if that extreme reaction is out there, it means that there are probably a sizable number of people who aren’t willing to go that far but are at least willing to respect the idea in spirit. These are the people who I kind of want to yell at here.

Stanton is what he is. It would be wrong to diminish that at this point and to do so would be a naked exercise in bitter delusion. He’s not a horrible quarterback. Not anymore. I still don’t believe he is even a quality backup – he’s far too inconsistent and needs to be heavily protected by a sound gameplan – but I’m now willing to say that he can probably latch on somewhere as a lower tier backup. And by that, I mean some team can probably live with him as their backup if they can’t find anyone else. I know that sounds like hilariously faint praise, but if you have followed anything I’ve written about Ol’ Plucky, you know it’s damn near miraculous that I even went that far.

But I think that it’s accurate. Let’s all agree, right now, that anyone who thinks that Stanton is a reasonable regular starting quarterback in the NFL is delusional. Can we do that? Please? Okay. The real question becomes, then, is he capable of being a solid backup quarterback? And that’s where I fear a lot of us will still disagree. Like I said in the last paragraph, I think that some team could live with Stanton as a backup if they can’t find anyone else. If they can’t find anyone else. That is the key phrase there. The problem with Stanton is that you never know when you’re going to get a game like he played on Sunday against the Bucs or whether he’s going to waddle off the field after shitting his pants like he did against the Packers. You need to be able to rely on your backup more than that.

Further, his consistency problem is one that’s not likely to be corrected with experience. That’s an important point – maybe the most important point – that people need to keep in mind. Often times, young quarterbacks who are inconsistent are inconsistent because they are stupid. They grow and they mature, the game slows down for them and they are able to use their natural talent in a controlled way. Stanton’s inconsistency on the other hand is largely defined by the team around him. If things are going well – if the running game is firing and the defense is playing well and the offensive coordinator understands how to use him and his receivers are helping him out – he can be a functional NFL quarterback. And sometimes, even if all of that is happening, he’ll still shit all over himself. Again, think back to the game against the Packers. If even one of those things is off, he’s screwed. If the running game isn’t working, then that forces Stanton to make plays, which he can’t do because he has no arm. Stanton needs to be kept on schedule, which is to say that he needs to be asked to throw on 2^nd and 6 or 3^rd and 4 rather than on 3^rd and 12. If you’re forced to ask Stanton to make plays on 3^rd and 12, well, get ready for a shit ton of Yakety Sax. If the defense isn’t playing well, then it’s going to require your quarterback to make plays to keep the offense in the game. Once again, this is a recipe for disaster when it comes to Stanton. He will press and he will throw interceptions or take horrible sacks or try to dribble the ball or something stupid like that. If his offensive coordinator doesn’t understand how to use him, and sends receivers deep or asks Stanton to drop throws in over the shoulder or anything like that, you’re just going to get a bunch of wild incompletions and terrible interceptions. The dude has no arm strength and even worse, he has no touch. You can live with a noodle armed quarterback if he has machine like accuracy and is capable of putting the ball right on the spot. Stanton doesn’t and he can’t. If you ask him to do this, you will be fucked. If Stanton’s receivers aren’t named St. Calvin and aren’t bailing him out when he throws a marginal pass, you’re going to see a whole lot of frustrating incompletions and you will likely spend your day beating your loved ones and eating your own fist.

I feel like that pretty much sums it up, you know? I mean, that is just a mountain of things that need to go right in order for Stanton to be at all successful. You just can’t count on that. You can’t. You need all of that to happen and you need Stanton to be at the top of his game. When that happens, you can win with him. That’s what’s happened the last two weeks. Hell, really, it only happened in the game against the Bucs. The game against the Packers shouldn’t really be used to bolster the pro-Stanton argument since that game saw a super-human effort by the defense and the Stanton led Lions only scored 7 points. The point is, is that in order for Stanton to be at all effective, the stars have to align for you perfectly. They did against the Bucs, miraculously, but this is not something that is likely to repeat itself with any regularity.

Look, I have made my feelings on Stanton known, but I don’t think I’m being unfair to Ol’ Plucky here. He is what he is. I am willing to accept that, both the good and the bad. I just wish people who only want to see the good would be just as honest with themselves about the situation. I mean, there is a reason why the Lions keep trying to rush Shaun Hill back out onto the field, and that’s because he’s clearly – clearly – a better option. You just can’t rely on Stanton. You can’t. The coaches know this. They understand this and it’s reflected by their actions.

I understand that there are fans who want to see Stanton do well. Maybe they love his Ol’ Pluckiness and his Ecksteinian Grit and all that bullshit or maybe they love the fact that he is a local boy who played for Michigan St. Or maybe – God help them – they actually feel like he is an untapped mine of talent. And I think that a lot of these fans would love to see Stanton grab the backup job from Shaun Hill. I am not one of those fans. Even if Stanton plays out of his mind and proves that he deserves to at least be in the conversation when it comes to the number two quarterback, I don’t want him there. He’s not going to be better than Shaun Hill. He’s just not. But assuming that he somehow manages to prove himself Hill’s equal, I still say no. I know that a lot of fans would pick Stanton in an instant for all of the various reasons I mentioned earlier, but no . . . just, no. There has been too much damage done. There is too much of a stink on Stanton that will never be completely washed off. Even though I have made my peace with Ol’ Plucky, I will always see Millen in him. I will always see Marinelli and Joey Harrington and Charles Rogers and all the rest. We need a divorce. It’s the only way either one of us is going to be happy.

I’m glad that Drew Stanton played so well against the Buccaneers. He was the quarterback who led us to our first road victory in three years. He will always have that, and I’m glad that he will. I’m glad that when I think about him, that will pop into my head. I’m glad that we were able to salvage something beautiful out of this ugly relationship. But it’s too late and if we keep pressing our luck there will be many, many more ugly moments than there will be beautiful ones so for all of us, I think we need to just give Stanton his respect knucks here, and then open the door and show him out. It’s time.

The Lion Triumphant

Ooooooh, Historical Romance. I bet this book is about The Great Willie Young.

In retrospect, the special brand of gibberish I trotted out this past week seems eerie and oddly prophetic. Go back and read it. It’s fucked up. I spent all week horsewhipping Drew Stanton before I finally laid it all out and purged my strange and terrible soul of all the bilious rage that had been brewing in there for the past several years. I nailed Drew Stanton to the cross and made him die for the sins of the Detroit Lions over the past decade. I said that he was Matt Millen. I said that he was Rod Marinelli. I made him the living, breathing avatar of everything that I hated about the Detroit Lions and what they had done to my poor, battered psyche. I did this and as soon as I was done, I felt oddly better, like I had just taken a terrible yet necessary step towards acceptance and my eventual salvation as a fan.

A couple of days later, I sat down to write about the Lions game against the Buccaneers and I felt surprisingly upbeat. Something had changed inside of me. I’m still not sure what it is. My prediction piece was ugly and bloodthirsty, vicious and terrible and in the end, I whipped my nuts out and slammed them on the table and predicted a Lions victory. It was the height of hubris, it was embarrassingly delusional and yet, I felt confident enough to stick with it. Even in my heart, which often betrays me just before kick-off, I still felt that confidence. Fuck everyone, we were going to do this thing. I had come to terms with Drew Stanton and therefore with the horrors of the past decade and I was ready to move on. And, then, it actually happened.

Yes, for once, Fate smiled upon me, nodded its head and granted me my freedom. Of course it happened this way. I had to die as a fan before I could be resurrected. I had to believe in something and then have my spirit crushed before I could reap the beautiful rewards of Hope. This was the final crazed piece of gibberish from my preview piece:

PREDICTED FINAL SCORE: LIONS 17, BUCCANEERS 14. THE STREAK ENDS IN TAMPA, BECAUSE THIS IS THE WAY THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPEN – RANDOMLY AND WITHOUT REASON. THE FUTURE MAY NOT HAVE BEGUN BUT ON SUNDAY, THE PAST DIES, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

Indeed. I’m not even sure what else to say. I mean, that sort of sums it up, doesn’t it? Randomly and without reason, what I had been looking for all season long found me. It found me after I had already abandoned my search. It found me once I was willing to stop, look at the past that I had been running from as a fan for so long, and accept that it was there. The future still hasn’t arrived. It won’t until Matthew Stafford is back on the field next September and the record book shows that we are 0-0, but the past is what it is now. It’s there and that’s okay. I don’t have to be frightened of it anymore. We will never be friends, but we don’t have to try to destroy one another anymore either.

The Lions had never won a game on the road in the three years that I have been doing this. In many respects, that’s what this blog has been all about for me: chronicling the long and terrible road out of hell. There is still a long way to go, but we are on our way. We are on our way. This first road victory was a big step – a quantum leap, really – in the right direction. For all the talk about how we actually won that first game against the Bears and about how in our hearts the streak ended there, today I am struck by the hollow bitterness of that sentiment. We lost that game because in the end the scoreboard said we did. I have bitched – and will continue to bitch – about Mike Pereira and his lizard tongue and the refs stealing that game and I will spit with dumb rage whenever anyone brings up that ridiculous Completing The Process Of A Catch Rule, but really, all that did was add another layer onto our tale of woe. As much as we didn’t want it to be the same ol’ same ‘ol, in the end, it was just one more terrible reference point, one more ugly mile marker on that vicious road out of hell, one more terrible memory we could look back upon and remind ourselves of all the times we fell and were viciously mugged by Failure Demons. We hated it so much because, in the end, it was exactly the same as everything else.

Today, there are no excuses, no vitriolic rage, no pleas to higher powers, no voodoo dolls with a picture of Mike Pereira plastered on them. There is just a victory on the road - a comeback win on the road against a team fighting for a playoff spot no less - and a sense of satisfied accomplishment.

I have written often this season about how symmetrical Fate’s sense of humor seems to be. I have done so through gnashed teeth and through bitter eyes, my fingers striking the keyboard like little missiles of acid, my soul burning out of control. But today, I can’t help but feel that it is still true. Today, my Lions buried the past but they were led by a quarterback who to me is the living breathing symbol of that past. During the Lions final drive, Dick Stockton – yes, Dick Stockton, who I psychotically abused in a piece earlier this season – invoked the terrible name of Mike Pereira, and I winced, but this was followed by Stockton telling everyone that Pereira had confirmed that St. Calvin did indeed catch the ball. After a season of Pereira haunting us like some deranged vampire ghost from hell, he slithered by to give us his stamp of approval. A couple of plays later, Dave Rayner kicked the game winning field goal and it felt like everything should have felt at the end of Week 1. Fate is mischievous and symmetrical and this is the way it had to happen.

There is a lot to talk about this week. I have vowed to not talk about Ol’ Plucky again, but the narrative has kinda changed, you know? I have beaten the hell out of him and spit upon him and damned him to hell for being the symbol of the past and so I kind of have to give him the ol’ respect knucks and pat him on the back this week, don’t I? I mean, again, it is also so crazily symmetrical that it feels like this was somehow preordained and guided by some power beyond your or my comprehension. It is eerie. Of course it happened like this. Of course it happened now. It just . . . it just fits. But all the Stanton hoo-ha (Hoo-ha? What the fuck?) can be saved for later this week. For now, I just want to revel in the fact that the Lions – my Lions – went into Tampa and not only won the damn game but ruined their playoff chances in the process. My nuts are on the table and right now, I am just smiling and laughing and gesturing towards those beautiful, beautiful nuts and saying “See? See?” and the only thing anyone can do is just nod their heads admiringly and admit that yes, those are my nuts, I put them on the table to be chopped off and they are still there. They are still there, motherfucker and that’s because the Detroit Lions – The Detroit Motherfucking Lions! – came through for me. Drew Stanton came through for me. Mike Pereira and Dick Stockton came through for me. How fucking crazy is that?

I have begun to ramble (Begun? Okay, Neil, suuuuuure.) and I’m sure I have frightened away the weak-willed and ill-spirited, but fuck them. The world turned in my direction today. It turned in our direction. In the end, this game didn’t mean a damn thing and yet, it meant everything. The Lions are 4-10 and headed nowhere this season, but all the streaks are dead. The past is dead, its avatar – its slave – Drew Stanton, has had his soul redeemed and although there is still a long way to go on this terrible, ugly road out of hell, a great wall has just dropped down behind us, separating us from the past, and from now on, that past cannot harm us and the future is ours. We might fuck it up, but that will be the fault of the people who are here now and not the people who haunted us before. They are dead and they are buried behind that wall and their ghostly wails will remain alive only in the dying echoes of our memory and they will fade and they will fade and they will fade and then we will open our eyes, the sun will be shining, birds will be singing and we will be home. Matt Millen is just a name. Rod Marinelli is just a name. Drew Stanton is just a quarterback. And I am just a fan of the Detroit Lions and today, I am smiling.