Robert Griffin III II

Still drunk off the hope
the young number 10 gave us
yesterday, all day.

Four quarters of performance
is not something we're used to.

Redskins 1-0 Positives/Negatives Week One Metasciences

Dan Snyder has caused me to make wild claims that I would switch team allegiances, out of frustration. And yet today, like every first game of the season, I sat down to watch the Redskins and thought of my father – dead for eight years – and my grandfather – gone for five – and opened a beer, even though I am two years sober (from alcohol at least), and set it out for the spirit of my father and grandfather, as I became a Redskins fan from them both, the grandfather from my maternal side, and my father deeply polluting my bloodline and DNA for the entirety of my life. I come by this Redskins allegiance not out of choice or love for a jersey or player, but by birth. I most likely will never afford even an obstructed view season ticket, much less a box suite, and have never once sat inside the two stadiums they have called home in my life for a football game, and yet I am sworn to these Redskins, regardless of all that goes wrong.

Dan Snyder has been a tough liege lord to passively stand beneath and support this team I love without question. It seems the organization works against itself for the most part, and has for the better part of my adult life. And yet a moment like today happens where all that frustration and griping and preparing for the worst but hoping for the best pays off in the sheer delirium of joy, though it was soberly tempered with The Fear that is so often mentioned around these parts. Drew Brees is a spirit slayer, and he danced with that legend again today, but in the end, regardless of Lord Goodell decapitating this Saints team in the off-season, the Redskins scored an amazing and unexpected upset. Even me, who had drank deeply of the Kool-Aid in recent days, hyping myself as is usual for an NFL fan into fits of insanity where the impossible seems probable, where the Redskins win the division and host playoff games and destroy reality, even in that fit of nonsense dreaming did I imagine I’d see 40 points on a scoreboard, much less a somewhat all-around dominant victory over a football team, that although decapitated, is considered a Super Bowl contender, and on the road no less. It was glorious.
I awoke around 8, sleeping in for me, and put a half shank of my pig named Pagan that was slaughtered by Blackburn the butcher from Buckingham County into the oven for slow roasting throughout the day, to peel from the bone and put inside in barbecue sauces at dinner. I made up some homemade close slaw, pissed I forgot to get some radishes for it, so fleshed out that missing ingredient with half a head of cauliflower, and put the slaw in the fridge to chill, and left the half shank to roast, and cut on a football game, hoping for something good, but unprepared for what would happen next. So let us do the positives/negatives metasciences thing, shall we?

8TH DEGREE POSITIVE: QB ROBERT GRIFFIN III – It is easy to get worried that nothing ever delivers as a Redskins fan, and the over-exposure to RG3 in the form of 37 commercials certainly bothers an anti-media curmudgeon like myself. And the dude does have an infectious smile and positive attitude like only a brainwashed Christian could have, but man, no way I expected what happened today. I mean, for the sake of sobriety, let’s remind ourselves that the Saints defense was not all that great even before the Goodell suspensions (which were undone late last week by the way). But still, RG3 was “made his first 9 passes” good, including an 88-yard TD pass to start their second drive. He was calm as fuck, and did not go to the run even when it was there. Seriously, there was a time he fumbled a snap in the back field, and picked it up, looked down field, and got tackled for a two-yard loss. Most QBs, that would have been a turnover, but he not only recovered but scanned for the down field strike. There were a number of plays where he performed better than anybody I’ve seen in a Redskins jersey at QB in years. And I know this will sound like grandiose hyperbole, but #10 was the best Redskins QB I’ve seen in 20 years today. That says as much about how shitty this team has been as it does make a compliment in RG3’s general direction. Still though, this was a team that didn’t hit 30 points all last season, and they put up 40 today. Regardless of how bad the Saints defense might or might not be, that’s impressive. He gives this team hope, and he gives me hope, even though I was cringing in expected tragedy at the end of the game. And sure, it might come all undone next week or the week after, but for now, I am more excited than I’ve ever been in a while, all despite our horrible liege Lord Snyder. Perhaps RG3 can be the noble spirit warrior that allows us poor Redskins common folk to better tolerate Lord Snyder’s evil reign until he dies or sells off the team.

7TH DEGREE POSITIVE: S DEJON GOMES – Even more than offensive line, my biggest concern going into this season was a lackluster secondary, at all four positions. Then even amongst the lackluster safeties, one got suspended and another got injured, and we were left with even a second-tier of lackluster, to go up against the great Drew Brees. But the secondary played big. Even more important, second year man DeJon Gomes came up huge, multiple times over, so much so that when he was shook up at one point in the game I thought to myself, “Perfect.” But after this one solidly consistent performance, I would say I prefer Gomes to LaRon Landry. Sure, there were no bone-crushing hits, but there were also no lapses in attention or blown coverages or flaunting a bone-crushing hit that was a 12-yard run for a first down. There was just solid football playing. I mean seriously, we are talking about Drew Brees and the Saints offense, and a secondary full of guys nobody’s heard of and DeAngelo Hall, and sure they gave up 32 points, but one was a TD off a blocked punt, and the Saints averaged more than that last year. If this piecemeal secondary can have a guy like Gomes step the fuck up, and them even play good enough to hold the strong offenses of the NFL to below their inflated averages.

6TH DEGREE POSITIVE: CB CEDRIC GRIFFIN – I was looking at the roster the other day, and there was like four dudes I didn’t know shit about. Griffin was one of these guys. He had a huge fumble causation in the first half though that turned around a possible gap-closing score by the Saints and gave the Skins the ball on a fumble out the end zone touchback. He also had a couple of big pass defenses as well. Basically, as I was pretty shook about the possibility of a DeAngelo Hall/Josh Wilson CB tandem, he calmed me down, and made me think, “Wow, there’s some players here, who can perhaps play some football.” Have I become a Dan Snyder, only knowing the famous names, not respecting the unknown unheralded any more? I guess we all take on the characteristics of our Lords over time.

5TH DEGREE POSITIVE: WR PIERRE GARCON – I did not like this signing, even if Garcon is my kind of a guy – played college ball at Mount Union, a Division III powerhouse. But he was still a free agent signing, perhaps at an inflated Dan Snyder rate, and I was doing the Rodney Dangerfield tugging at my collar thing about it all summer. And yet, there he was, snagging an 88-yard TD reception that was the most greatest play I remember seeing since the infamous 4th quarter Brunell to Santana Moss TD passes against the Cowboys 37 years ago. Garcon seemed to get hurted, and he disappeared from the game, and the second-year kid Aldrick Robinson made some big plays as well. But Griffin III to Garcon from preseason through today seemed to have some jazz to it, and both of these are dudes you can feel good about liking and pulling for. Fuck man, I almost feel uncomfortable glowing like this about a Redskins team, that’s how bad it’s been.

4TH DEGREE POSITIVE: RB ALFRED MORRIS – The unknown dude surpassed last year’s unknown dudes and Tim Hightower to be the opening day starter, in the same jersey number (46) as last year’s former starter in Ryan Torain. Morris was awesome. I mean he didn’t break through holes at any breakneck pace and tear off 27-yard gains. But he was a bruiser, and he churned until the defense drove him into the turf. Second effort by Morris gave the Skins at least one huge first down and a big TD as well. The kid showed the heart of a Spirit Warrior today, and it only helps feed that energy that he played on an unknown college team in Florida International or Florida Atlantic or something like that, who went 1-11 last year. It is one game, and I am no fool, I will not erect statues in his honor. But the different chemical ingredients needed to achieve Spirit Warrior status are there, so we shall see if they percolate together correctly. (Also, shut the fuck up about “Mike Shanahan drafted Terrell Davis in the 6th round one year” already. In fact, the Kenny Albert, Moose Johnston, Goose Siragusa commentating team is painful to endure.)

4TH DEGREE POSITIVE ADDENDUM: LS NICK SUNDBERG – So the Redskins blown punt where the Saints scored a TD, apparently long snapper Nick Sundberg broke his arm on the play. This is also why in the 2nd half there was that bad snap that caused Sav Rocca to flashback to his Aussie Football days and do the running side dropkick thing, because Sundberg insisted on finishing the game, and long snapped on two more punts and four kicking attempts WITH A BROKEN FUCKING ARM. That is fucking boss right there.

3RD DEGREE POSITIVE: TE LOGAN PAULSEN – Paulsen only had one big play, but it was the biggest perhaps, as it extended the running down of time in the 4th quarter. But more than that, Paulsen is the longhaired, bearded, weirdo freak dude who had been playing behind Chris Cooley and Fred Davis at TE the past two years. I love Paulsen, and have, and when a guy like Cooley gets waived, the fans get upset. But a good football team should have a new Cooley ready to go every two to three years. This is not to say that Logan Paulsen is Chris Cooley, because Cooley is a one-of-a-kind guy, but Logan Paulsen is a slow, goofy, but big and tough and try harder mentality makes him the type of dude who should fill a roster out from positions 31 to 53. Paulsen will keep us entertained, and if Fred Davis disappears like he did today throughout the season, we’re gonna need it.

2ND DEGREE POSITIVE: LB BRIAN ORAKPO – Man, I love Orakpo, but there always seems to be an “almost” quality to him, where he almost got at the QB or almost intercepted a ball (like today) or almost did this or that. I was contemplating putting him in the even degree position during the game, but on that next-to-last goal line drive by the Saints, he got his hands up and knocked away two passes in a row. He’s a great talent, and hopefully will turn a corner and become dominant this year. But goddamn, those Geico commercials are terrible, and the one they were running today looked like a high school video club filmed it, in their high school locker room.

1ST DEGREE POSITIVE: K BILLY CUNDIFF – Cundiff is sketchy and unpredictable, but he was playing in a dome today, so he played as a kicker should in such consistent environments – nailed all his field goals, and consistently put kickoffs through the end zone to keep Darren Sproles from putting a dagger in our hearts. I am afraid that perhaps our kicking dilemmas will not be over with this Billy Cundiff he of Baltimore Ravens epic failure, but for this week at least, our kicking game was okay. And when you are fending off the relentlessness of Drew Brees, all those kicks became important, because they helped squeeze the life out of the Saints.

EVEN DEGREE: KR/WR BRANDON BANKS – Banks is going to break your heart, that is all there is to it. He will still show those flashes of the Little Assassin we Skins fans fell in love with a couple years back, but damn man, fumbling punts or running sideways and backwards for no gain on any return whatsoever, all of that is unacceptable, and it becomes a steady “risk/reward” conversation with regards to Banks. Is the risk he brings every play worth the reward he sometimes brings? Is the risk of carrying a guy on the roster who is questionable as a WR and doesn’t play special teams other than as a returner worth the reward of having his sometimes explosiveness as a returner? I am not sure. All through the preseason I was asking myself this question, and he has done nothing to make me confident he should still be here, nor confident I’d be content with him disappearing tomorrow. So we will have to see what happens with the Little Assassin.

1ST DEGREE NEGATIVE: S MADIEU WILLIAMS – Just as DeJon Gomes seemed to be around when good things were happening, there were a number of times when stupid crap happened, and more often than not, Madieu Williams was back there at those moments. He is part of our influx of new defensive backs that I’m not entirely sure of who they are and what they’re about at this point, but Williams certainly made himself no fans by today’s performance. Plus, his name makes me think he stars in movies where black guys dress up as fat grandmas.

2ND DEGREE NEGATIVE: WR SANTANA MOSS – Moss was surprisingly non-existent today. He did nothing terrible, but I put him here because today was also a changing of philosophy. There is no more, “We are better than this” after a crushing loss. There is only what you do during the game. And today they did it. No one needs to ask, “Are you worse than what you played today?” or “How does this reflect on this team?” It is very obvious how this reflects on this team. Santana Moss is part of a star-studded past in the Redskins locker room that always thought more of themselves than they actually were. And I bring this up because next week the lowly Rams host the Redskins. But these Skins are considered by many lowly themselves. They are no superior force that can take anything for granted. They need to have that mentality, and prove it week after week. The old ways of the Redskins need to be literally removed from this team. I am not sure Santana Moss is part of this new philosophy, as he has been a pretty solid example of that old philosophy. And the fact he is buried on the depth chart will test his ego and see if he can be a positive influence on things from that lowered position on the totem pole, or if he will be right there, mucking shit up in the weeks to come.

3RD DEGREE NEGATIVE: OC KYLE SHANAHAN – There was still some game management issues, especially at the end of the second half when the Redskins needlessly allowed the Saints a chance for an extra possession. But more than that, Kyle Shanahan still looks in over his head at times. He does not command respect on the sidelines. And his boy Rex Grossman was deemed inactive for this game, leaving the Skins with RG3 and fellow rookie Kirk Cousins as their QBs of action. If you are going to go with rookies, why even keep a Rex Grossman on the roster when you could’ve kept somebody else, at offensive line or in the secondary? It’s not like any other team is going to come gobble up Rex Grossman when you cut him; this will be his last stop, that is certain. I am not sold on these Shanahans at all, especially the younger one, and honestly I’m not sure I ever will be, even if they win Super Bowls in D.C. Ultimately, I know I do not believe at all in our evil Lord Snyder, and I doubt seriously the self-important greatness of Mike and Kyle Shanahan, though Mike at least has the resume I can allow him quiet tolerance when things go well. But RG3 has won my allegiance and my hopes as a common folk of Redskins worship by birth, and I am hopeful he can at least allow me to tolerate these devils and demented snakes, and make Sundays fun again. I am already excited about next week. Excited as fuck, in fact.

 

2012 Positives/Negatives totals, in ascending order of accumulated awesomeness: QB Robert Griffin III (8), S DeJon Gomes (7), CB Cedric Griffin (6), WR Pierre Garcon (5), RB Alfred Morris (4), LS Nick Sundberg (4), TE Logan Paulsen (3), LB Brian Orakpo (2), K Billy Cundiff (1), KR/PR/WR Brandon Banks (even), S Madieu Williams (-1), WR Santana Moss (-2), OC Kyle Shanahan (-3).

Robert Griffin III I

I hope my bootleg
chink jersey gets here before
RG3's broken.

An offensive line made from
scrapped parts and draft overhype.

RGIII Redskins watch

On one hand, the dude had a weirdly shaped larger-than-life sculpture of himself built out of chicken. And on the other, apparently as a kid he was prophesied as some sort of saviour by some sort of preacher. Now granted most of my knowledge of the Bible is pretty much based on watching The Ten Commandments while stoned, I think the making of false idyls out of chicken is wrong in the eyes of your fake Christian God. So ultimately, what everything is leading me to believe, including my own rants and dissertations from earlier this week, is that perhaps Robert Griffin III is some sort of saviour, perhaps of the Redskins perhaps of all of mankind, but he has to navigate the prearious traps of Dan Snyder's devilry (insert that funny Dan Snyder with devil horns picture here, in your head... I'd do it, but he'd sue ACLB for anti-semitism, because Dan Snyder's a fucking dumbass devil). Perhaps I've been drinking too much poppy tincture this week, but this is starting to shape up as larger than football. Perhaps the salvation of Washington DC itself, and potentially ultimately America, is involved here. And where do we put Barack Obama? His false claims of change that have not been realized, but will surely be hyped again as the drums of alternativity are beaten across the political landscape, by all the status quo Rs and Ds big money can find stump the people. Will he be outed as a black devil, a wolf in sheep's clothing, perhaps even by Robert Griffin III himself? Could Robert Griffin III be the accomplice in salvation that Tim Tebow needs, to make Holiness cool, in Superman socks? I do not know, but I have been keeping precise notations in a composition book, and some disturbing patterns are emerging. I had initially gotten myself worked up about the Redskins maybe being good again, but now I am starting to wonder how the quest to breed a flawless red heifer in Alabama is coming, and whether the rebuilding of the Temple of the Mount is on the horizon. I wonder how Arab Spring plays into this, and how the sides will line up. I am hopeful that RGIII is able to take those lined sides and bring them together, for the sake of the Redskins, for the sake of professional football, for the sake of America, and ultimately for the sake of the fate of humanity on planet Earth.

Using Statistical Evidence to Make Myself Sad About RGIII

So it is fairly apparent without a shadow of a doubt that it will be #1 OVERALL QB ANDREW LUCK TO THE COLTS and then #2 OVERALL QB ROBERT GRIFFIN III TO THE REDSKINS, and I am equally hype-geeked and deathly afraid of this reality. And then the interwebs had this amazing (and depressing) for me today that said only three times has the QB been both 1st and 2nd pick, and those picks went something like this:

1993 - #1 Drew Bledsoe to the Patriots, #2 Rick Mirer to the Seahawks

1998 - #1 Peyton Manning to the Colts, #2 Ryan Leaf to the Chargers

1999 - #1 Tim Couch to the Browns, #2 Donovan McNabb

Now it is obvious from that entire sampling of previous samples that the Redskins stand a 67% of having this completely fuck them over, and the good 33% is only Donovan McNabb, who also sucked in a Redskins uniform, albeit at a more advanced age. In fact, look at that, between these six guys, not only were three outright busts, but the good half of the pairs has a combined one Super Bowl victory. One. So even if we leaned beyond the negative to the positive, it’s still not that positive, not necessarily the franchise-changing return to glory that I think myself and most Redskins fans are hyping ourselves up for.

So hey, since 1993 plus this year will make 20 drafts, I figured – without advance scouting them – I would look through the other 16 drafts first two drafted QBs, and see how often the second-picking team got over on the first one. So let us begin…

1994 – Heath Shuler drafted 3rd overall to Redskins, Trent Dilfer drafted 6th overall to Buccaneers: Well, Dilfer won a Super Bowl, though not with the Bucs, so the second team got over on this one. Only problem is the first team that screwed it up was the Redskins. 0-1 in favor of RGIII saving my life’s fall Sundays.

1995 – Steve McNair drafted 3rd overall by Oilers, Kerry Collins drafted 5th overall by Panthers: You have to consider the Oilers/Titans the winner in this pair, which means, statistically speaking, that Andrew Luck will one day be dead because some slut shot him. It also means the second-picking team picked a fucking loser, who in all likelihood was an alcoholic because of Jerry Sanduskey type things. 0-2, against RGIII saving things, but plus one for Andrew Luck dying tragically.

1996 – Tony Banks drafted 42nd overall by Rams, Bobby Hoying drafted 85th overall by Eagles: Holy fuck man, only two QB dudes taken in the first three rounds? Can you even imagine that in today’s NFL? It’s hard to believe this happened in the days of facemasks and television. Like I would expect this to be black-and-white footage and the NFL films guy going, “And then in the third round the Philadelphia Eagles drafted farmboy Bobby Hoying from Ohio State University, who had only been across the state line four times in his life.” You know who was even better drafted at QB that year? Nobody. Just a shit-storm of guys like Danny Kanell and Jon Stark and Spence Fisher. But I heard of Tony Banks, and don’t even remember Bobby Hoying, so again, score the ledger against RGIII, 0-3.

1997 – Jim Druckenmiller drafted 26th overall by 49ers, Jake Plummer drafted 42nd overall by Cardinals: I think Druckenmiller is in jail for statutory rape or something, and Jake Plummer was killed in action in Afghanistan, so he is an honorable man. 1-3, the score for RGIII saving my Sundays, and why must the good always die young?

2000 – Chad Pennington drafted 18th overall by Jets, Giovanni Carmazzi drafted 65th overall by 49ers: Oh fuck, we are doomed. 1 good, 4 bad.

2001 – Michael Vick drafted 1st overall by Falcons, Drew Brees drafted 32nd overall by Chargers: Finally, a satisfactory example of the second QB drafted being far superior to the first one. I am a Vick apologist, and even I couldn’t justify saying he is somehow better than Drew Brees. 2-4, moving upwards.

2002 – David Carr drafted 1st overall by Texans, Joey Harrington drafted 3rd overall by Lions: Man, Carr never amounted to much, but Harrington was an outright embarrassment. Another mark against RGIII’s draft slot, but shit man, if Andrew Luck only ends up as good as David Carr, and that is somehow better than RGIII, we are all fucked. 2-5.

2003 – Carson Palmer drafted 1st overall by Bengals, Byron Leftwich drafted 7th overall by Bengals: Top guy wins again. And yet has accomplished very little in his NFL career. I am feeling worse and worse with each example. 2-6, against RGIII being great, and probably about 4-4 against either he or Luck being worth a shit.

2004 – Eli Manning drafted 1st overall by Chargers, Philip Rivers drafted 4th overall by Giants: Finally, an example where both QBs picked first are good, although I fucking hate Rivers, and Manning too to be honest. But Manning is a gritty little cornhead, and he’s won a couple Super Bowls. He was also the first QB picked, not the second. 2-7.

2005 – Alex Smith drafted 1st overall by 49ers, Aaron Rodgers drafted 24th overall by Packers: You know, I would like to hang my hopes on this example, except when you look at the 25th overall draft pick and see “QB Jason Campbell, to the Redskins.” So even the positive examples recent NFL draft history has for me also mock my hopes and desires with terrible terrible memories. 3-7, I guess, cruel cruel universe.

2006 – Vince Young drafted 3rd overall by Titans, Matt Leinart drafted 10th overall by Cardinals: I guess Young would be considered better. I guess. I could also get all racialist and just make this a positive mark for RGIII, since he’s also a black QB from the state of Texas. But that wouldn’t be fair of me, would it? 3-8.

2007 – JaMarcus Russell drafted 1st overall by Raiders, Brady Quinn drafted 22nd overall by Browns: Haha, I’m not even sure who to say is better in this one. I guess Quinn because I think he’s still holding a clipboard somewhere, whereas JaMarcus is wiping the cough syrup off his mouth as he heads into his favorite soul food buffet joint on Sunday afternoons. 4-8, and if every second-picked QB from here on out, that’ll mean I stand a 50/50 statistical chance of not having RGIII ruin my life.

2008 – Matt Ryan drafted 3rd overall by Falcons, Joe Flacco drafted 18th overall by Ravens: Look, these guys are two white ass fratboy date rapist peas in a pod, so mix and match them. But my honest opinion, which may have been altered to help my psychic hopes here, I’d rather have Flacco. 5-8.

2009 – Matthew Stafford drafted 1st overall by Lions, Mark Sanchez drafted 5th overall by Jets: Obviously, Stafford is better, and also another mocking example of my fate as a Redskins fan, as the Skins did all they could to trade up to get Sanchez, who would’ve sucked even worse in burgundy and gold than he does in green and white. 5-9, against RGIII being better than Luck.

2010 – Sam Bradford drafted 1st overall by Rams, Tim Tebow drafted 25th overall by Broncos: This will go against popular opinion probably, but I’d prefer Tebow. He’s won a playoff game; Bradford hasn’t. In fact, before me and Neil quit working on the All-ACLB team to just go catfishing in the Ohio River and do codeine together (Louisville, Kentucky, is our “in-between point”), I had written a long and eloquent defense of Tim Tebow. Oh wait, maybe we used part of it in the Pro & Con thing we did. Who can fucking remember? So much insane gibberish, so little memory. Anyways, Tebow is better, for the sake of my argument. 6-9.

2011 – Cam Newton drafted 1st overall by Panthers, Jake Locker drafted 8th overall by Titans: Newton certainly had a bigger impact on the league last year, shocking everybody. Locker may end up being better in the long run, but I also may end up having a 12-inch dick if science figures out how to grow adult dicks. In other words, the future don’t mean shit to me right now. 6-10, positive to negative examples in favor of Robert Griffin III being better than Andrew Luck, much less leading the Redskins back to glory. Oddly enough, 6-10 is very much like a normal Redskins record at the end of the season, so it all makes perfect sense. I am now depressed enough to go watch some Harry Nilsson on YouTube and then cry myself to sleep. “Nothing lasts forever, and I will always love you…”

Hope (yet again) in D.C.

It is a fairly glorious day to be a greater Washington DC metropolitan area sports fan, as it’s rainy as fuck, and cool enough to justify sitting around the kitchen table all day gloating in goodness. The Caps stole a win from the Bruins in Boston yesterday, and return home today to try and close out a best-of-seven, with a game to spare. The Nats are rained out today, so will hit the road to the West Coast with a shocking 12-4 record, meaning if they simply go .500 the rest of the year, they finish with 85 wins. And the cover of the Sunday Washington Post has a glowingly glorious article about what a great all-around package of athleticism and solid psychological make-up Robert Griffin III is, who will become the Redskins new QB of the present, the future, and perhaps for history, come this week’s NFL draft.

And yet, I am struck by the common theme through all these glories… wild orgasmic hope, yet nothing actually yet accomplished. The Caps should’ve, by hype and talent, at least played in a Stanley Cup finals series at least once the past three or four years. And yet here we are getting excited that they might actually win a first-round series against last year’s champs. The Nats have never finished above .500 since they came to Washington, much less sniffed the playoffs at any point past a 4th of July fireworks display. And my beloved Washington Redskins are once again claiming they are about to be relevant again, with the pick of a young “can’t miss” superstar.

First, let me proclaim my joy with Robert Griffin III. He does seem like a wonderful talent, and an even better human being. He does not seem like he’ll be the guy who is broke and addicted to strippers three years after flaming out of the NFL. He does not seem like he’ll be trashing his life during his prime, nor afterward. He is a freak of an athlete, and honestly, in my mind, seems like more Michael Vick than Michael Vick, athletically speaking, and yet with a chill, grounded mentality to complement that. I do not even one single bit find fault with the picks the Skins traded off for him, nor will I ever. I fully co-sign this move, and feel free to hold me to that, at any point in the future.

That being said, even as awesome as he is, I am uncomfortable with it all. He has commonly been touted as a franchise prospect with higher upside than Matthew Stafford or Sam Bradford (previous #1 overall picks at QB); yet in Detroit, Matthew Stafford was brought in as part of a rebuilding process, not as the savior of a franchise to bring them back to their entitled glory. RGIII comes into DC with no Calvin Johnson, but rather a large and odd assortment of Number Two receivers who are allegedly going to gel into some sort of remarkable corps. RGIII does not come into a locker room filled up with upper-round O-linemen who manhandle opposing defenses and create the space any QB needs to succeed, whether brilliant or not, but rather a roster that has severely overlooked the line for not only the last couple of drafts but for an entire decade. And worst of all, Robert Griffin III does not come onto a team being talked down as “a great young talent who can help us get better” but rather is being hyped as this year’s The Final Piece to help make everything that has not really looked like it goes together fit into the grand vision that somebody in Redskins management has allegedly been piecing together over time.

That hasn’t stopped the Redskins brass from making a fawning trip to Waco in advance of RGIII’s pro day, nor has it stopped them from doing all but actually selling jerseys already. Griffin has already been to memorabilia shows in the DC area signing Redskins helmet, weeks before the Colts said they were definitely drafting Luck. It has bordered on tampering, and it’s not exactly like the NFL is in love with Dan Snyder and the Redskins lately, but at the very least looks like a needy, emotionally flawed woman latching onto a man after a nice first date, and already talking about how many children they’ll have. And essentially, needy and emotionally flawed is what my Redskins have become.

Therein lies my discomfort with it all. When the Redskins were rumored to be in the Peyton Manning hunt, I was legitimately ready to abandon them. Legitimately. Which would have meant I abandoned football, because I’m not going to switch to another team at this point in my life. I was very relieved when they were out of that sweepstakes (which will end badly… hahaha Denver), because I can at least keep convincing myself the Redskins will get better, even though they never will so long as Dan Snyder’s management runs through the veins of the organization. It pains me to say that, because ultimately we are looking at the collision of two very opposite forces – the unquestionable awesome promise of Robert Griffin III and the very obviously displayed over time institutional dysfunction of the Washington Redskins. And unfortunately, even a 20-foot tall man will drown when tossed into a 30-foot deep cesspool.

At this point, I have not really figured out where Dan Snyder stands on the spectrum of things. At worst, he is an actual evil man who works diligently every offseason to re-brand the Redskins brand and instill false hopes in the fan base that this year will once again be different, hence the Offseason Champs meme associated so closely with burgundy and gold. And even at best, Snyder is still a terribly stupid man who actually believes his own press releases and thinks he’s actually working towards building a viable professional football team. Today – and this fluctuates weekly – I’d put him somewhere between stupid and evil, probably about two-thirds of the way towards stupid, but that’s probably because the past couple of weeks of Washington Post Redskins talk has been wildly hopeful and throwing force behind the future being good line of thinking. (It is interesting how a newspaper that is allegedly not an ally of Snyder’s, and also allegedly unbiased, very often just seems like more well-written and fleshed-out versions of an actual Redskins press release.)

Of course, come August, I’ll be geeked up, even without an offensive line, without a deep threat at WR, without a proven commodity in the backfield (and that’s just looking at the offensive side of the ball), and hope shall spring eternal… for a month or two at least. I am still not sold on the genius of the Shanahans, and am already convinced of Snyder’s bad influence on things, so the two most prevalent influences on the team will still be an outright negative and a very possible negative, and that unfortunately means we could ship RGIII off to southeast Asia, clone him in a Thai mad science laboratory, and have nine of him, and still probably be lucky to get a wild card in the upcoming season. And sadly, even more than that, I fear tragedy. Robert Griffin III seems so great, such a wonderful guy, such a pure of spirit smile and amazing athlete, that I actually worry for him being sucked into the vortex that is the Washington Redskins. I know he is being hyped as the man who will help pull us from our own vortex, but that doesn’t make logic according to the laws of metaphysics. I really hope this goes well, or at least continues to have enough promise to keep me falsely erect with hope for a few years, but I fear tragedy. It makes me sad to even verbalize it openly, as I am a superstitious man and wonder if perhaps I did not bottle these fears deep down inside of my own soul, that perhaps I could carry it and they’d never be unleashed upon reality. But just like RGIII will have to at some point, I realize I am not stronger than the force of the Redskins. I am simply being dragged along for the ride at this point, until I decide to cut the rope and move on with my life. Sigh. Mega-sigh, deep down in my football-loving soul.

REDSKINS 2012 SCHEDULE UNLEASHED!

Here is the Redskins schedule broken down, dudes…
WEEK 1: at the Saints, in the "Roger Goodell Bitch Bowl" where teams Herr Goodell don't like play together. Redskins lose.
WEEK 2: at the Rams, in a battle of schlubs, where the Rams 19 new players will out-contribute the one dude they were essentially traded for - RGIII. Redskins lose.
WEEK 3: home opener, against the Bengals. RGIII mania alone overpowers the Bengals. Redskins win.
WEEK 4: at the Buccaneers, but their former coach is our DB coach now, so we will cheat to win bros. Redskins win, 2-2 after the 1st quarter of the season, which traditionally is the only quarter we do well in.
WEEK 5: hosting the Falcons, who have been a smoke and mirror team where the smoke has dissipated. Redskins win.
WEEK 6: hosting the Vikings, who traditionally embarrass the Redskins for whatever reason, especially in DC (meaning Maryland). Redskins lose.
WEEK 7: at the Giants. We don't play a fucking divisional game until week 7? That's crazy. We tend to beat the Giants for whatever reason, but not in NYC (meaning New Jersey). Redskins lose.
WEEK 8: at the Steelers. Whatever man. James Harrison will have RGIII braiding Steelers linebackers hair and tossing salads by the end of the game. Redskins lose, 3-5 at the halfway mark.
WEEK 9: hosting the Panthers, in a battle of last year's rookie sensation QB and this year's (hopefully). Fuck Cam Newton, he is not even half the solid dude RGIII is. Redskins win.
WEEK 10: week off. Redskins don't lose, guaranteed.
WEEK 11: hosting the Eagles, and the Eagles have made embarrassment of the Skins lately in DC. But this is late in the season so the black Mike Vick will already be crippled by then, so Redskins win.
WEEK 12: at the Cowboys, on Thanksgiving. Really, what is more American than a gluttonous meal, sitting our our fat asses watching pro football, featuring a team of Cowboys and racist Native stereotypes, before our fat wives dash off at 9 pm to spend whatever we've recovered of our credit limit from last holiday season at Wal-Mart's Black Friday but on Thursday night sales? Redskins lose.
WEEK 13: hosting the Giants. Beating the Giants at home is the one thing the Skins can do. Redskins win, 7-5 at the 3/4 mark, which makes the logic in me go "whatever dude." Obviously I am being too hopeful. Way too hopeful. We don't even have an offensive line.
WEEK 14: hosting the Ravens, and having just forced myself to be logical, I now realize RGIII is probably on IR by now, perhaps from having torn all his ligaments and will be out for 3 years. Redskins lose.
WEEK 15: at the Browns. Even a crushed in spirit & cursed by Snyder luck Redskins team is better than the Browns. Redskins win.
WEEK 16: at the Eagles. Will the Eagles still be playing for the playoffs? Because if they are, we will win. If they are not, we will lose. That's how it works in these NFC East games. I will assume the Eagles are out of it though, so Redskins lose.
WEEK 17: hosting the Cowboys to close the season and perhaps play for a winning record. Won't happen. Redskins lose, finish 8-8, which seems about 3 games ridiculous to me. But whatever, I just deduced it metaphysically so it must be true.