NFL 2012 Week 16 Full NFLuminati Index

Well well well, here we are with a simple two weeks left in the season and already 7 of the playoff spots are figured out. In fact, five division champs are already decided. But actually seeing the NFLuminati Index scores, I can tell you that even beyond that there are some big discrepancies in this year’s crop of NFL teams. Essentially the top six teams are on a different level, and then again after the 15th spot, there’s a big drop-off. Then there’s an even huger drop-off after the 19th team. So as you read through this list this week, realize that basically from #20 down, those teams are irrelevant, even if they are still in the playoff hunt. And #7 through #15, regardless of if they make the playoffs or not, those teams are questionable and susceptible to immediate collapse. Bear all this in mind. And just because I like to have some sort of focus, let’s go at this week’s listings with the attitude of what can be done by these teams to see this season as a success or at least the last two weeks. What must be done to move forward and make progress? I mean, I’ll probably forget that and start blathering like a fool about something completely irrelevant to this idea, but hey, you are probably used to that by now…

#1: HOUSTON TEXANS (12-2; same as last week) – Look, it is obvious to everyone that the Texans are psychically not a Super Bowl champion. And yet they are the top team in the AFC. To become a psychic champion, as I mentioned last week in relation to the Texans, you need to own your own home. Should they get home field advantage in the AFC playoffs – which it looks like they might – if they can hold their own at home, win a pair of games to be AFC champions, that will be a HUGE psychic step for the franchise. Honestly, that would be their Super Bowl victory on the psychic level, to just make it to the Super Bowl, where they would probably get waxed, awestruck by the bright lights, although shit man, if they get there, I guess they have a chance to be the new NFL’s created super-team.

#2: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (10-3-1; same as last week) – The main thing for the 49ers is to not stumble these last couple weeks, and earn the first round bye in the playoffs. Home field doesn’t matter, because Atlanta is a paper champion. Having that week of rest would be huge, even if more wild card teams win recent Super Bowls than not. As much as I thought the 49ers should ride with Alex Smith, and as susceptible to error as I feel Colin Kaepernick might still be, I think making that switch might be just what the 49ers needed to put them over the top. And if that does happen and they win the Super Bowl? Kaepernick taking over the duties from Smith will look comparable to a young Tom Brady taking over the Patriots from Drew Bledsoe, the deeply entrenched starter at the time. What does that mean? Probably that Alex Smith will be playing for the Dallas Cowboys next year.

#3: ATLANTA FALCONS (12-2; up one from last week) – In a post-game interview with Matt Ryan I saw, he called Mike Smith “Smitty”. This simple thing made me like Mike Smith more. Seeing some old white guy named Mike Smith seems boring and vanilla and plain and goddammit there’s enough of that in this American life. But some dude called “Smitty” seems wacky and there’s probably some off-color jokes being told as well as references to a time in Thailand back in his army days, and probably slow-cooked pulled pork barbecue is involved at times, outside, in the cold fall air, where a bunch of alcohol is drank. It made me like Mike Smith aka Smitty a little more. I still think the Falcons are fucked come the playoffs though.

#4: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (10-4; down one from last week) – Very simply the Patriots are a contender, but who knows if they’ll win it. Shit could fall apart one game and it’s done. At this point, they don’t even need to win anything, just show up and give the whole proceedings the glory of Brady and Belichick’s involvement. I mean, this shit is basically just like WWE at this point, although they still kayfabe it as actual competition. I would imagine we’ll get a Brady/Manning Pats/Broncos game in the playoffs at some point. Beyond that, it’s hard to predict how the NFL marketing gurus have planned this thing out.

#5: GREEN BAY PACKERS (10-4; same as last week) – Even though they’ve only won one Super Bowl with him, the Packers and Aaron Rodgers are sort of the NFC’s Patriots, because they won the first Super Bowls, and because Rodgers is on every commercial ever. The return of Clay Matthews gives them added marketability as well, as the largely closeted racist NFL fan base loves a white guy LB. Who knows with the Packers though? Other than that one run through the Super Bowl, they’ve had some lackluster playoff performances as a team with Aaron Rodgers. They just don’t seem to have as much fun as when the Ol’ Gunslinger was out there funning it up.

#6: DENVER BRONCOS (11-3; up one from last week) – Peyton Manning. Colorado. White people. Money. The NFL.

#7: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (9-5; up one from last week) – Fuck man, I have fantasy played out the entire rest of the season where my Redskins win the NFC East, but then have to face Beast Mode. I am afraid of Beast Mode, as we all should be. It speaks to the primal urgency inside us all, but also how the promises of post-industrial society should not further enslave humans with psychic financial chains, but actually free us to happily and joyfully explore our primal urgency on a higher, more pleasurable level, that releases dopamine and serotonin galore into our brain chemistries. Essentially that’s what Beast Mode is, and why I think I am afraid of it. Does it make sense for me to sit at this desk where I am pretending to work while writing football nonsense for a blog that like 20 people will read? How does that speak to my caveman molecules, who want nothing more than to be fucking a big assed woman by a fire in a field somewhere on earth, far from the buzz of the cyberbot gridlock put up around us all? Are we truly free, or are we tricked into thinking our domestication, which has been branded as “freedom” by most media inputs, is better than being free? I don’t know man, Marshawn Lynch forces us all to confront painful questions about our own existence.

#8: NEW YORK GIANTS (8-6; up one from last week) – Ever since I realized Tom Coughlin in bewildered frustrated mode looks like the human version of a lab/chow mix breed mutt waiting for you to throw the tennis ball, it’s all I notice or look for during Giants games. Also I read some conspiratorial knowledge about Wellington Mara (how is that a rich dude’s real name in 2012?) and his connections to Roger Goodell and how all this is connected to a continued effort to oppress the Redskins. WE SHALL OVERCOME THOUGH YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

#9: BALTIMORE RAVENS (9-5; down three from last week) – I volunteer with the homelesses and a homeless asked me my name and then asked me if I was a Ravens fan. I hate the fact I have to answer that question. They should be forced to do the same. Like, the home game PA announcer is, “And NOOWWWWWW… Introducing your Baltimore RAAVEEEEENNNSSSSSS!” and as Ray Lewis is doing that stupid dance in the end zone, some totally chill homeless dude with a hobo beard interrupts him and is like, “Oh, do y’all like Raven Mack? Y’all read Rojonekku? Armchair Linebacker? Yeah, that shit’s great.”

#10: CHICAGO BEARS (8-6; same as last week) – Jay Cutler gonna Jay Cutler.

#11: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (9-5; same as last week) – I can’t think of ways to make fun of Indiana or the Colts any more. I just don’t have it in me. It makes me sad that such a horrid place full of horrid people can actually be successful in football, albeit on the lowered scale of 2012 NFL football, where you can win 10 games in shit fashion and get crushed by good competition clearly. Basically, this is all the faults of America, tolerating and even propping up the weak, in the name of equal marketing, in some weird fake form of freedom that is purchased and believed in like a Bible but not actually practiced in our daily living. It disgusts me actually. Fuck the Colts; they are everything that is wrong with America. But you know what? They’ll win another Super Bowl before I’m ever allowed to live the life that truly feels free to me. America is not about my way, it is about Andrew Luck jerseys and smiling white people and pretending we’re doing something to stop government-made cancer by shaving the hair off of conventionally attractive bitches, who aren’t actually attractive at all, just painted over with chemicals and stuffing their tits into shape-forming bras, or even surgically enhancing them. Regardless of whether the Mayan calendar was right or wrong, we are fucked y’all – absolutely fucked.

#12: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (8-6; up one from last week) – As a Redskins fan, this talk of controlling our own destiny is sort of disconcerting, as nothing has been worse for the Redskins in the past 15 years than the effects of the things they control. It almost seems less likely we’ll make the playoffs now that we control our own destiny, at least in the ways that cliché is used in regards to sports. It would be better if we just had to do whatever and hope a bunch of other shit happened too, because then we didn’t have to concentrate on ourselves, which ultimately leads us to realize all the terrible mistakes constantly made, and paralyze our thought processes with Failure Demons. In fact, I’m not convinced at all that this is not some horrible, perverse Failure Demon at work that will culminate in a Sunday Night Football game against the Cowboys with playoff berths on the line that goes psychically wrong in a thousand ways all at once in the last ten minutes. That is actually what I expect. Hail to the Redskins!

#13: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (7-7; down one from last week) – Look at this position. Then scroll way down to where the Cincinnati Bengals are at #20. Sure the Steelers have lost some games, but they are a far superior team. Shit hasn’t been going their way since Charlie Batch’s emotional win over the Ravens. But come on man, the Bengals are coming to town. It’s going to be hilarious. Y’all are gonna fuck those dudes up so bad. Be chill, last wild card spot could still easily be your’s.

#14: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (8-6; up three from last week) – I cannot get over how weird Adrian Peterson’s eyeballs look. I really cannot. I know he’s doing wonderful and might break Eric Dickerson’s single season rushing record (he won’t), but damn, what the fuck is up with that dude’s eyes?

#15: DALLAS COWBOYS (8-6; up one from last week) – I really appreciate Tony Romo because somehow the  Universe created a dude who I can loathe with all the hatred I’d have for a Roger Staubach or Danny White, but updated him for the post-Internet basedgod age. Thank you Universe, for giving me Tony Romo to hate and laugh at and shit like that.

#16: ST. LOUIS RAMS (6-7-1; down two from last week) – Boy, the Rams at the Buccaneers is going to be a helluva game, ain’t it? (Crickets chirping. Tumbleweed rolls past) [How come tumbleweed is never smoking weed?]

#17: MIAMI DOLPHINS (6-8; up one from last week) – Perhaps my focus is too far from the AFC, but the Dolphins don’t even seem like a real team to me. They seem like an HBO created team at this point, where it’s mostly a sitcom but partially a drama because there’s no laugh track. Relatedly, I read some random thing that suggested Nick Saban would maybe come back to the NFL and all I could think was, “Holy fuck, doesn’t anybody remember like four years ago with the Dolphins?” I guess he’d come suck in the NFL for the Bills probably, and then quickly resign to go coach Tennessee in the SEC or some wacky stupid shit like that, constantly playing one criminal organization against the other, until eventually he is killed by Snoop and Chris in an abandoned practice facility just north of Tampa.

#18: NEW YORK JETS (6-8; down three from last week) – Dear New York Jets, I have to give it to you. As I had contemplated all the various scenarios of a Mark Sanchez/Tim Tebow QB controversy, I never expected it to end with “neither… some guy named McElroy.” I did not expect you to give us the hilarity of a buttfumble gif, nor did I expect Tebow’s heroics from last year to be completely muted somehow. You are an amazing force in your ability to subjugate talent and potential and turn it into comic fodder for the internet. I think Rex Ryan should get a contract extension until forever. And go ahead and make LaRon Landry your defensive coordinator. Thanks, Raven.

#19: TENNESSEE TITANS (5-9; same as last week) – I was watching some old classic porn from the early ‘80s the other weekend and there was this thing two dudes did with an Asian chick that they called “the Tennessee Titan.” I had no idea. And good lord, how many movies has Tom Byron been in?

#20: CINCINNATI BENGALS (8-6; up two from last week) – In case you are bewildered by playoff picture scenarios, let me assure you, these Bengals will not make any playoffs. They are a horrid team, and my meta-scientific data proves it. In the five or six years I’ve been doing this, they are actually the lowest rated team compared to how good their actual record is, ever, and if they do make the playoffs, the only team that ever did so with a lower potential NFLuminati Index score was the 7-9 Seahawks that one year they won the NFC West.

#21: ARIZONA CARDINALS (5-9; up two from last week) – Shit man, I don’t even know how to joke on these guys any more. I was going to make a Pac-10 basketball joke, but I’m not sure anybody actually reads these things, so for the three people that did, it wouldn’t make any sense (as if anything ever does around here). They are the Cardinals; we should all feel bad for them. I still wish Heriberto Lazcano had been allowed to purchase them from the Bidwell family. Arizona Zetas has a great ring to it.

#22: DETROIT LIONS (4-10; down two from last week) – Man, I don’t even know what to say Lions fans. I received a few strange voicemails from Neil this past week. I think he’s off on one of his Bigfoot freak-outs again, babbling about a “Manatooley Island”. Is that a real thing? Is that a place? He sounded kinda wacked out, but I had also recently sent him some homemade psycho-ephedrine, which is a sort of herbal amphetamine/mild hallucinogenic of my own concoction. I am a scientist, after all.

#23: BUFFALO BILLS (5-9; down two from last week) – I have rolled my Bills-related gibberish into my Browns-related gibberish below. I will return to the office on January 2nd. If there are any issues that need to be handled immediately, contact Armchair Linebacker Human Resources at ACLBHR420@hotmail.com.

#24: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (6-8; same as last week) – I didn’t even know who that boy group in the Pepsi commercial was, but apparently it is a real thing and my second daughter who is 9 likes them. She accidentally put one of their songs on my iPod and it came on and I was like, “What the fuck is this bullshit?” but I always listen to every song that comes up on my iPod all the way through because it must’ve gotten put there for a reason, and then delete it later, rather than ever skip anything. Why skip what life puts at you? Now I understand the weakness in this thinking, as the computer algorithm of an MP3 device’s shuffle settings has a set pattern to mimic randomness, whereas actual life is completely random, although my studies of fractal geometry suggest that maybe that complete randomness has a precise pattern as well, just larger than our human brains will ever be able to discern or map out. But I don’t drink Pepsi any more. Not because of the boy group or anything, but because corn syrup is a killer. I don’t need sacred geometric crop circles to lay that one out for me. You fuckers don’t believe me, then keep on along with your bullshit. Diabetes will kill you all if liver cancer doesn’t get you first.

#25: CLEVELAND BROWNS (5-9; up two from last week) – Buffalo and Cleveland should combine and see if they can get one good team out of themselves, and then make the other team of lesser players play all their road games, so that the fans of both the Browns and Bills would get quality home games every week, but still be only mediocre. The real issue would be the NFL coordinating home games so Buffalo and Cleveland don’t share a home game on the same weekend. And if they play each other? Make those the Toronto games. LOOK! I JUST MADE THE NFL MORE AWESOME! WITH MY BRAIN!

#26: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (6-8; same as last week) – Well, I had been telling you the Bucs were a horrible team but a good fantasy option the past few weeks. Unfortunately, last week Josh Freeman decided to cripple a million dudes’ fantasy playoff dreams and aspirations. Little financial data is known about fantasy football, but I am going to estimate that Freeman’s performance last weekend cost fantasy football players a potential $3.7 million in fantasy earnings. That makes for a lot of fantasy pissed dudes, who will never forgive Josh Freeman. His fantasy career is basically ruined forever.

#27: CAROLINA PANTHERS (5-9; up one from last week) – As another lackluster Carolina Panthers year comes to a close, I can’t help but feel for Steve Smith, who has quietly been one of the best WRs the NFL has seen. Tough as fuck, and a chill dude, always overshadowed by the Ochocincos and T.O.’s who stomped their feet. Smith had those accusations at one point too, but quietly played out in Carolina, and is one of my favorites. If there’s a dude who I’d like to see have that last two-year run on a contender to try and get a ring, it’s him, although that sort of belittles all the previous accolades when you have to switch a team to get it. It’s like life – it sucks that some of us are born into situations that will never get but so much better. But we can walk that path with kick assery and pride and fuck shit up in an honorable way, like Steve Smith did, for the most part, I think.

#28: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (5-9; down three from last week) – Only two weeks left of Norv Turner as an NFL head coach, forever. I am so excited.

#29: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (4-10; same as last week) – Please Eagles, please, don’t beat the Redskins. And please Eagles fans please don’t bludgeon my fellow Redskins fans. Actually, Redskins fans kind of suck, so go ahead, tackle them into the bushes and piss on them. I wish we could trade fanbases, like trade 1000 Redskins season ticket holders for 1000 Eagles season ticket holders, and they had to switch team allegiances. Hopefully we get to a point of psychological pharmaceuticals that we can trick ourselves into thinking we’ve been rooting for a team all our life and create false memories or associate real memories with a different entity to artificially generate that lifelong fan emotional bond.

#30: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-12; same as last week) – Somehow I’ve secretly started having wild hopes for the Jaguars under their new crazy man owner simply because Cecil Shorts has done so well for me in fantasy football. How could you not like a guy named Cecil Shorts? And they’ll get a top 3 draft pick, which hopefully means they pick some big crazy lineman dude. They should really think about changing the uniforms though. I know Nike is going to push hard for some team to do it, saying, “The Seahawks were the only team to take a full makeover, and they made the playoffs.” The Jags would be a good choice, because most people don’t realize they exist, so if they came out with something awesome, it would knock people out. Unfortunately, Nike would be involved in designing the uniforms which means it’d be some metrosexual space alien cyberzubaz crap. But still, even blind squirrels find nuts around Christmas.

#31: OAKLAND RAIDERS (4-10; same as last week) – As the Matt Barkley draft hype train will get to rolling along before too long, it’s important we look back at the legacies of previous USC QBs of recent memory: Matt Leinart amongst various teams, Mark Sanchez with the Jets, and Carson Palmer, who is probably the most successful of them all, and yet just a barely likeable starter for one of the worst teams in the NFL. My advice to NFL teams: don’t draft Matt Barkley in the first round. Let somebody else make that mistake. If he trickles down, then maybe, but don’t count on him being worth a shit ever. If everybody else on this list is the example, he will be far more promise than realized greatness.

#32: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (2-12; same as last week) – The Chiefs have won 50% of their games this season after a team member committed a murder/suicide with his girlfriend. Not exactly the foundation for success. It’s gonna be hard for Romeo Crennel to roll that into corporate speaking engagements.

NFL 2012 Week 13 Full NFLuminati Index

Perhaps we shall take an old school meander through our power rankings, which are called NFLuminati Index here at Armchair Linebacker, because we are a mystical bunch. And by mystical I mean we drink codeine cough syrup, although technically we “drank” it, not drink it, and use this altered state of consciousness to think about football on the metaphysical plane, because frankly this earthly plane is kind of a bitch ass. Here are your rankings according to the science of one Mr. Wildbird Lounger Raven Mack the man of One Thousand Feathers, which is an actual method using science and math, not just nonsense jibber-jabber like most NFL power rankings, which mimic the knee-jerk styles of college rankings systems. My shit is real motherfucker…
#1: HOUSTON TEXANS (10-1; up one from last week) – The Texans switch spots with the Falcons again, and these two teams are very much the top two teams by my methodology, though I’ll pretty much guarantee you neither one is in the Super Bowl at the end. However, if I were to pick one of the highlights of this NFL season, it would be following Arian Foster on twitter. I mean, him being interesting on twitter only makes him like the 47th most interesting person out of 100 on twitter, but that’s a pretty good showing for a celebrity, much less a football celebrity. But he is a wacky dude, and I would like to one day sit around a hobo jungle fire with him discussing the nuances of Farid ud-Din Attar’s The Conference of the Birds. Talk about epic poetry.
#2: ATLANTA FALCONS (10-1; down one from last week) – Okay, the fact that Mike Smith doesn’t even look like an NFL head coach but a guy who runs an independently-owned Ace Hardware store is eventually going to come back to bite the Falcons. They just don’t feel legitimate.
#3: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (8-2-1; same as last week) – The 49ers actually, through their QB controversy, add an interesting wrinkle to the concussion syndrome issue that feverishly boils just below the surface of the NFL. Alex Smith, though troubled as a starter, has earned his starting role the past two seasons. The only thing that took him out of starting was a concussion, and then having a back-up do really well now keeps him on the bench. The biggest issue facing the NFL – as well as the U.S. Army when it comes to blast explosures, which is a very similar condition – is having players admit to their injuries. Alex Smith is not being benched seen in a noble light right now, that he was a warrior at his position and it’s now time for the next guy to take a shot. No, he’s being seen as a slow-rolling failure who is finally being replaced. So when the next Alex Smith gets concussed, and it’s not as obvious a situation, how honest do you think that guy is going to be to trainers and medical staff? He could lose his starting job, and perhaps his NFL career, at least at the standard it’s at before this imaginary incident. And yet he only jeopardizes himself by putting himself out there to potentially get re-concussed while still recovering from the first. And the league doesn’t give a fuck about that. I mean, legally they do, and they’ll probably scribble off another meaningless $5 million check to some sort of brain trauma institute which will pay for a small handful of MRI sessions before the photo-op money is all gone, but they’ll also be aggressively selling $10 million worth of Colin Kaepernick jerseys in four styles at the same time. It’s business to them. It’s also business to the Alex Smiths of the NFL, who are just trying to maximize their earning potential. I guess the ultimate point here is our collective idea that making money through business is somehow this great Freedom Jesus that saves us all is bullshit. Business will fuck you up and spit you aside, and you very well might not have shit to show for that in the end. That’s the nature of Business. So shut the fuck up with this Freedom Jesus American exceptionalism bullshit.
#4: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (8-3; up three from last week) – In this year of mediocre sludgefests of games, where even the worst team can challenge the best (as in the Jacksonville/Houston game two weeks ago), it’s somewhat funny to see the Patriots just straight curb-stomping motherfuckers. And even funnier is how Bill Belichick is doing it with a wacky hodgepodge of offensive starters, almost as if he is consciously trying to be a dick to the entire entity of fantasy football. But when every team seems to play up or down to their competition, I think this college-style “Let’s run this shit up until it’s out of hand” mentality might actually carry them strong through the playoffs. It’s a completely different mentality that anybody else is able to express right now, and it’ll be interesting to see how it plays out in stiffer playoff competition.
#5: BALTIMORE RAVENS (9-2; same as last week) – The Ravens seem good but susceptible, like you bought a brand new Audi and it’s clean and you dig it and shit, but something just doesn’t feel right when you get up to 80 on the interstate. And there’s nothing obviously wrong with it, and it’s got plenty of shine, but you don’t trust it, and in the back of your head you expect it to fuck up any day now. That’s the Baltimore Ravens.
#6: GREEN BAY PACKERS (7-4; down two from last week) – I used to hate Aaron Rodgers because he looked like my youngest sister’s ex-boyfriend who got addicted to crack and almost killed her, but then I started to like him somewhere along the time I was getting shot up with morphine in the hospital during the Super Bowl where the Black Eyed Peas were obviously alien conspirators in the enslavement of soulful humanity. But somewhere in the past two weeks, one too many of those insurance commercials makes me hate him again. At first I liked it because that wife was kinda cutesy in that green top and how she softly tapped his shoulder – she was really hot in a closet-freak soccer mom type way. But that’s worn off, and now I want Rodgers to die again. I mean, not literally die, just go away from being on TV die, which I guess I could cut the TV off, but that’s easy enough during Packers games. What about the commercials, when they sneak him in when I’m not wanting him? That’s why commercials suck. My kids are watching a sweet movie or ice skating or something and all of a sudden there’s a commercial where zombie militias are shooting holes in the bodies of humanoid brownskins committing unnatural sexual acts on each other in urban landscapes. I don’t need my kids to be seeing that shit.
#7: CHICAGO BEARS (8-3; down one from last week) – Okay: reality show pitch. You trick out an old Greyhound with all sorts of ominous looking Mad Max shit, paint it matte black, but slap a Bears logo on both sides in big orange C. Then you have Jay Cutler, Jim McMahon, and both their girlfriends/wives/whatevers live on it as they drive from the far tip of Argentina, up through South America, through Mexico, back through the Midwest, to Soldier Field. That’s it.
#8: NEW YORK GIANTS (7-4; up two from last week) – The Giants looked sharp after their bye week, which is unfortunate for them because they usually win the Super Bowl when they hit that sharpened look starting in the 17th or 18th week of the season. Might be peaking too early, as Tom Coughlin teams usually only have a window of about five weeks to be on top of their game each season.
#9: DENVER BRONCOS (8-3; down one from last week) – Peyton Manning is really Peyton Manning it up and man John Elway really saw enough Peyton Manning left in Peyton Manning to John Elway him to Denver. They’re both so great, and so is Colorado, and it’s all just so great and plus doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all because they’re both white. Not only are they both white, they both smile and cut their hair like they’ve never heard a rap song in their life and I can really feel comfortable about that.
#10: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (6-5; down one from last week) – Look man, I will not get off the subject of how awesome those striped throwbacks were until all you bitches on the internet stop complaining. You guys are so knee-jerk, not even thinking for yourselves any more. You see something crazy, and even though it’s a million times better than the eurotrash cyber uniforms everybody has now with robot numbers, or even worse yet the stupid fucking faux Elizabethan collars Nike has on the uniforms now to obviously distinguish them from Reeboks, you guys see something that doesn’t register as completely monotonous and you go “HAHAHA THOSE THINGS ARE STUPID!” Then you stuff your fat fucking face at Applebees or Olive Garden or one of the same nine restaurants sprawling like pancreatic cancer around the edges of every fucking city in America, and you vote for Democrats or Republicans and pretend they’re so goddamned different it’s worth getting excited about, and you fucking make this world a horrible, sterile, boring, pathetic place. Fuck you.
#11: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (6-5; same as last week) – Somehow between Beast Mode Marshawn Lynch and the lime green accents in the new uniforms, I have been brainwashed into actually not disliking the Seahawks for the first time in my entire life. In fact, I think I might actually root for them a little bit inside. The NFC West leaves me feeling terribly conflicted, as traditionally both the 49ers and Seahawks have always been hated by me. And yet, here I am, thinking I might like them both. This all started happening when I accidentally downloaded that bisexual porn.
#12: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (7-4; up three from last week) – Perhaps I dislike the Colts because they are still wearing their uniforms from 1947. I’m surprised their helmets have facemasks even. I’m not surprised that Andrew Luck has sold a ton more jerseys than Robert Griffin III. Motherfuckers are racist.
#13: MIAMI DOLPHINS (5-6; up seven from last week) – I’m still upset by the logo depiction of Dolphins in football helmets, as diatribed about last week. I’m on Fidel Castro’s email newsletter list, and he’s been talking a lot about hanging out with dolphins, and what amazing creatures they are. Don’t get hung up on the politics – Castro’s a solid life scientist. Wouldn’t surprise me if the football helmet militarization of dolphins in Miami is part of the larger conspiracy to ruin Castro’s life’s work. Could you imagine having a social dream, almost making it come true in an island nation, and then some imperial power builds a prison at the edge of your island where they torture stolen humans in the Crusades 2: The Electric Boxtop Boogaloo (that’s what that one dude in the hooded thing was doing I think)? It would be fucked up.
#14: DETROIT LIONS (4-7; up two from last week) – I feel like a brother-in-arms with the Lions fans who visit ACLB, but more specifically with my brother-in-gonzo Neil. Honestly, it made me sad to see all that go down the way it did on Thanksgiving Day. But then Robert Griffin III started being awesome, and I had to monitor the turkey, plus the crazy buttermilk cornbread stuffing I made for the first time ever (which was good as fuck, thanks for asking), and I forgot all about it. But at the end of the day I remembered it, and I thought to myself, “A chink in Jason Hanson’s armor even… this thing is going to turn ugly quickly.” I’m sorry Lions bros. Start performing sigil magick for whoever you might want for your next head coach. Honestly, and this might seem like blasphemy to you, I think Mike Singletary would be a good choice.
#15: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (5-6; up eight from last week) – I have two Redskins friends where we email regularly about this shit. In the past week we strolled down RIP Sean Taylor memory lane, and also attempted to convince each other how the Redskins actually did stand a chance to make the playoffs. Then we all agreed that the biggest flaw was expecting them to win the three remaining games that they should win, because the Washington Redskins never win more than 50% of the games they should win. That’s why they’re the Redskins. Still though, that Dallas game on Thanksgiving was a glorious moment.
#16: TENNESSEE TITANS (4-7; down four from last week) – I have been listening to a lot of early Three Six Mafia where they switched back and forth often times during the same song from calling themselves “Three Six” or “Triple Six” Mafia. It’s made me very afraid to get high and take my time machine back to 1994 Memphis though, so mostly I’ve been going to 1983 Atlanta, before it got all built up. Kinda nice, still small town feeling. I never take my time machine into the future any more. Always ended up just killing myself.
#17: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (6-5; up one from last week) – With my love of both Scandinavian mythology as well as screwed hip hop music, you’d think a purple Vikings jersey would be hanging in my closet. You’d be wrong as fuck though.
#18: NEW YORK JETS (4-7; down one from last week) – I will have a more thorough expounding upon the New York Jets in the next day or two, as a special request, so let’s save the lolols for then.
#19: ST. LOUIS RAMS (4-6-1; up six from last week) – Very much like the middle America it represents, the Rams sort of exist without the rest of us noticing. Sometimes they show up on our radar, like playing the 49ers to a tie, or busting a Zeta Cartel connected meth ring, or some crazy new fad where rural kids fuck baby burros or something, but for the most part, we never even remember they are there.
#20: BUFFALO BILLS (4-7; down one from last week) – Okay, okay, has enough losing taken place that we can stop pretending an Ivy League dude who grew a beard is somehow super cool and awesome and a wonderful thing? Because I think the Toronto Argonauts want him.
#21: DALLAS COWBOYS (5-6; down eight from last week) – Now that J.R. Ewing is dead, and Debbie Does Dallas is some teenager’s grandmother, there’s really no need for any of you outside of Texas to like the Cowboys. So let us all agree to enjoy their miserable shortcomings and unpredicted yet totally expected failures together.
#22: CINCINNATI BENGALS (6-5; same as last week) – The Bengals would be one of the worst 6-5 teams that existed ever if there wasn’t another one two spots down. Oddly enough, both franchises are their conference’s historically inept team.
#23: ARIZONA CARDINALS (4-7; down eight from last week) – At one point the Cardinals were near the top of this list. Now they are not. If you read the Football Metaphysics book, specifically the Coach-QB Quotient parts, you’d know that though Kevin Kolb was a sexier starting option, the Cardinals would’ve sustained more success with the far less sexy yet reliably okay enough John Skelton. If they had just committed to that choice for the year, they’d probably be 6-5 instead of 4-7. They still wouldn’t be that great, but when you have shitty options in life, you should always look to maximize the successes, no matter how limited a situation you were born into. It takes three or four generations, at least, before you’ll be one of the 1%.
#24: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (6-5; down three from last week) – Like I told you last week, the Buccaneers are not as good as their fantasy contributions would lead you to believe. That doesn’t mean they can’t make the playoffs; it just means they don’t deserve to make the playoffs. The new NFL is based on the new America though, and it’s not about deserving shit. It’s about getting shit.
#25: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (5-6; down one from last week) – Jay Electronica’s album will come out before the Saints make the playoffs again. Trust me on that.
#26: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (4-7; same as last week) – Haha oh man, both Andy Reid and Norv Turner looking to finally fall like Saddam statues this year. Hardcore Chargers fans are really weird because they are very enthusiastic fans, as if the team has actually been some sort of juggernaut at some point in its history, so this whole Norv Turner/A.J. Smith thing has shaved years off their lives. And yet from where I sit, the whole thing seems like textbook Chargers. Remember when there was L.T. and Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates on offense and the new Urlacher of Shawne Merriman on defense, and this team was going to dominate motherfuckers for years? They never even made a Super Bowl. L.T. is retired and semi-literate, Merriman might be dead from juggalo drugs for all I know, and I think both Gates and Rivers are still playing, but Gates star faded behind Tony Gonzalez as the Gronkowskis and Jimmy Grahams of the world took over TE limelight. And I’m guessing Rivers and his laser beam eyeballs are still all pissed off about everything and being a complete dick to everybody in real life, so whoever becomes the next head coach, we will get to enjoy that bad mix because Rivers is probably gonna think he is Peyton Manning. I hope they hire Marty Schottenheimer again. Schottenheimer/Philip Rivers would be great to follow as it slowly exploded through the media.
#27: CLEVELAND BROWNS (3-8; up one from last week) – As I worked through this, the Browns ended up being the last blurb I had to write. Sadly, I don’t have anything to say about them. So you get this instead.
#28: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-9; up two from last week) – The Jaguars have steadily been climbing up the charts for two weeks now, and are only the fifth worst team by NFLuminati standards at this point. And my man Cecil Shorts continues to represent for my fantasy football dreams. Word to Cecil Shorts.
#29: CAROLINA PANTHERS (3-8; up two from last week) – Quite a clusterfuck of 3-8 teams we have here this year, isn’t it? I like that little kid warming up his arm in that Cam Newton commercial though. That kid’s gonna smoke mad blunts when he gets older.
#30: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (3-8; down three from last week) – Jason Babin was sent packing this week, and a blowout loss against the Cowboys (Eagles are 10-point underdogs) might be excuse enough to can Reid early and try to salvage some competitive dignity out of this collection of veterans and kids that last year was supposed to be the Dream Team. Or was that the season before when Vince Young said that? Who knows man, internet-time has fucked up comprehending regular world time forever.
#31: OAKLAND RAIDERS (3-8; down two from last week) – If the Raiders can somehow find a way to lose to the Browns this weekend, that will set up in three weeks a wonderful game between the two obviously worse teams in the league – Raiders and Chiefs. An epic historical rivalry hitting a new low, which I hope to fucking God gets the Dan Dierdorf commentating team assigned to it, because I would love to watch that. I am not even joking.
#32: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1-10; same as last week) – Worst team in the league, with no Andrew Luck to be happy to lose for. But rest assured, a new latest and greatest rebuilding of the Kansas City Chiefs shall start afresh, without any Belichick tree fingerprints at all I would assume. WHAT WILL BE THEIR HOT NEW PHILOSOPHY NEXT YEAR? Two words for you: Koach Kardashian.

NFL 2012 Week 12 Full NFLuminati Index

It is Thanksgiving morning here at the Bird Tribe Compound – here is a video of how we do on the Compound – and I’ve already crumbled up the buttermilk cornbread I made yesterday, and added some homegrown sausage from the pigs we raised this past spring, stuffed the giant bird of American exceptionalism to slow roast through the day then carve open and gorge ourselves on. This is our future people, so be aware. It is no ironic coincidence the “Redskins” are playing on Thanksgiving Day this year – we are coming around towards psychic shifts on the Earth ball. But do not be afraid – be thankful for what you have, as my man William DeVaughn used to sang on a Sunday afternoon.

The NFL, as you will see from my write-ups this week, is sort of on the decline, much like America. I’m not sure why that is either. Is it because things aren’t allowed to go the way they want, allegedly protecting players from injury, when in actuality concerning one’s self with future liability? We are not a culture ruled by philosopher-scientists; we are ruled by lawyers. Is it because the game has gotten too glossy? I don’t fuckin’ know man, but I know this is one of the least impressive years of NFL football that I can remember. Still though, there is much to be thankful for, because perhaps I get to pretend the Redskins are good for three hours today. Perhaps…

#1: ATLANTA FALCONS (9-1; up one from last week) – The Falcons barely beat the Cardinals and yet move up past the Texans, who almost tied the Jaguars. Look, this might be the worst most boring year of NFL in recent memory. I would basically say anybody could win the Super Bowl this year. The NFL has successfully made itself like the NBA was ten years ago. Next step towards irrelevancy for the public-at-large is having superstars coordinate their plans free from GMs involvement in the future.

#2: HOUSTON TEXANS (9-1; down one from last week) – The Texans almost lost to the Jaguars in Houston, and the Jaguars were the next-to-worst team in the league going into this past weekend. Let me assure you that is not because you have to throw records out the window during storied, heated AFC South rivalry games like Houston Texans/Jacksonville Jaguars. That is because the NFL is lackluster as fuck

#3: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (7-2-1; same as last week) – I would say the 49ers, as well as Packers just below, are the two teams that look most Super Bowl-worthy by the eyeball test, similar to how dudes look Presidential, with no bearing on whatever the fuck they are actually doing. It’s why Ron Paul is a kook, and Romney never stood a chance, because that dude look fucked up, from the start. Even Obama didn’t really look Presidential, per se, but he was more so than that little racist goblin John McCain, so he won, and then become Presidential-looking, because it’s a self-perpetuating thing. Same thing happened to George W. Bush, who really was kinda stupid-looking to be President, but Al Gore was so obviously some sort of lizard cyborg thing, he didn’t look Presidential at all. Most of us weren’t certain he was even human. So W. Bush gets elected, become Presidential-looking, and unfortunately Republican party mistakes this to mean stupid-looking fuckers are considered Presidential by the masses. Not so. If I was in charge of the GOP (and I should be, honestly, as I’m a grand ol’ motherfuck), first thing I’d be doing is trying to find some non-retarded looking dudes to put on a short list of Guys We Try Not To Let Do Stupid Shit For Four Years.

Oddly enough, the 49ers have a QB controversy generated by the lamestream media at ESPN. Smith is in, bro, and Harbaugh is Presidential so he ain’t gonna drop Smith like that. Sure, he might find a concussive reason to let Kapernick play another week, but Smith is the man, even if he ain’t.

#4: GREEN BAY PACKERS (7-3; up one from last week) – Is Triple H still injured for the Packers? Will he be back in time for Superbowlmania, or are they gonna push that back until next year’s TV programs?

#5: BALTIMORE RAVENS (8-2; up seven from last week) – The Ravens got a huge(ly boring) win in Pittsburgh, and honestly in a year where the league says, “Who wants to be champion?” and most other teams take a step backwards to de-volunteer themselves ala Three Stooges, the Ravens might end up winning it all by just sort of puttering along at normal pace.

#6: CHICAGO BEARS (7-3; down two from last week) – Remember two weeks ago when everybody was like “ARE THE BEARS THE BEST TEAM IN FOOTBALL?” and I came to you with NFLuminati sciences and was like, “Lol, fuck no, not even close.” Now look at your dumb asses. Still though, I am here again to say, with these sciences, there is no need to freak out. The Bears are still a solid team by the NFL’s shaky 2012 standards. So chill out. We’ll get to see Cutler pout in the January cold of Chicago, puffing on a cigarillo, sneaking off into the locker room for “concussion tests” which are really just blowjobs that his famous model ol’ lady don’t know about.

#7: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (7-3; same as last week) – I hate Bill Belichick because he fucking caused me to put piece of shit Danny Woodhead on my fantasy team, and then he didn’t even use him this past week in a huge stomping of the Colts. So fucking annoying. Danny Woodhead looks like the asshole dude from a restaurant kitchen or construction site who loves white people acceptable rap music, and drives some shitty motorcycle, and talks about some weird extreme sport he does which will eventually be replaced by jiu-jitsu with an extreme MMA bent. Goddammit.

#8: DENVER BRONCOS (7-3; up on from last week) – Here, let me say a thing: even more important to success in Denver this year than Peyton Manning is John Fox. Fox has secretly been one of the greater coaches below the radar in the NFL. He led the Panthers to wild successes beyond their current imagination, and he took fucking Tim Tebow to the playoffs last year. Honestly, I was dwelling on this, and as much as I hate Peyton Manning, he never – not even with Tony Dungy – had a great head coach in Indy. Dungy was always good at doing okay with great, but he never got great out of okay. John Fox gets great out of okay (see Tebow 2011), and fuck man, with Peyton Manning having an actual coach instead of just coaching his own games, the fuckin’ Broncos might actually go to the Super Bowl. I can’t believe I’m saying that, but I think it’s true.

#9: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (6-4; down three from last week) – Fuck everybody who mocked those Steelers uniforms. Every fuckin’ NFL team should have uniforms like that. If I had enough photoshop skills, I’d even make some for you to see. You guys are all fashionable Kardashian pussies for thinking those uniforms are not great (unless you thought they were great, then cool – we should hang).

#10: NEW YORK GIANTS (6-4; down two from last week) – One thing going for the Giants is the NFC East is a wretched piece of shit this year. The other thing going for them is all you have to do is make it to the playoffs, catch fire, and win another trophy. Thus, everything is set up very nicely for them.

#11: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (6-4; same as last week) – As much as I would always like to make fun of the Seahawks, Marshawn Lynch is the most spirit warrior of all spirit warriors left in football, and he is a Seahawk, so I can’t disparage them. Sometimes I go into beast mode too, but usually only when smoking joints dipped in angel dust. Bath salts ain’t got shit on some old school 1979 PCP. I done some gnarly, bloody shit on dust. Woke up in the woods surrounded by four deer carcasses one time, with no recollection of what happened or how I got there. And that was BEFORE I smoked the angel dust.

#12: TENNESSEE TITANS (4-6; up one from last week) – Sorry bros, but I’m just checking out on this blurb and listening to a “Tennessee Jed” from my first Grateful Dead show I ever went to – RFK Stadium in June of 1990. Split a quarter bag of shrooms three ways, and also took three hits of this very visual yin-yang acid. Some things happened. Also from the tone of these blurbs I guess I should be thankful I’m still alive from all the shit I’ve done. WELL FUCK YOU LIFE, I’M NOT THANKFUL FOR SHIT. And quit telling me what to do.

#13: DALLAS COWBOYS (5-5; up three from last week) – Not sure if you know this but the Cowboys are the worst thing on Earth. Worse than the Israeli government. Worse than airborne ebola. If God was real and he showed up at my house and was like, “Yo Raven, I’ll change any one aspect of life in this Universe you live in, just ask,” without hesitating I’d say, “Can you make the Cowboys lose today, like by some terrible ass fumble or something?” And then I’d be like, “Damn, I should’ve wished for a bigger dick.” And then God would go, “Don’t worry Raven, you’re a big enough dick already,” and we’d do a funny look at each other and then the credits would roll.

#14: ARIZONA CARDINALS (4-6; down two from last week) – Still hoping, as has been written about multiple times at ACLB and in my Football Metaphysics book, that the Cardinals are bought by a Mexican drug lord and relocated to Mexico. American football won’t truly be great until the billionaire criminal element involved is fully acknowledged.

#15: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (6-4; same as last week) – Haha, everybody was like, “Andrew Luck is ushering in a new Colts that’s perhaps just as good as Peyton’s Colts” and then the Patriots were like, “lol, fuck yall.” And now we can accept the fact the Colts are really competitive by AFC South standards, which is similar to be the smartest kid in special ed.

#16: DETROIT LIONS (4-6; down two from last week) – I read that Detroit was going to start stop paying workers or some shit. What a fucking shithole. The Lions would do better to embrace that shithole mentality and become the ‘70s Raiders of 2012, instead of trying to be the new Packers or whatever the fuck they are trying to be that is not working. They are dirtbag players on a dirtbag team with a dirtbag coach in a dirtbag city – until they embrace that, they will never get beyond high mediocrity.

#17: NEW YORK JETS (4-6; up four from last week) – Why do you think Rex Ryan is so yoked up to Mark Sanchez still? You think he has his wife use her feet to masturbate Sanchez while he takes pics? I mean Sanchez is an attractive enough guy, I could see a fat-fuck bi-curious dude like Rex Ryan being into that, at least on an experimental level. Poor Tim Tebow, dragged into the den of the devil, and asked to use the third controller on the Wii.

#18: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (6-4; same as last week) – Purple Jesus is the stupidest fucking nickname ever. Everybody knows that DJ Screw is the real Purple Jesus, and to think some beetle-eyed little bitch named Adrian is Purple Jesus is blasphemy. I bet that motherfucker ain’t even done no codeine while listening to Steel Pulse records slowed down before.

#19: BUFFALO BILLS (4-6; up one from last week) – You know what, Buffalo? Chicken wings are fucking stupid. It’s like two bites of meat on about nine bones you have to gnaw at. Adding some gunky hot sauce just makes an already stupid endeavor even messier.

#20: MIAMI DOLPHINS (4-6; down three from last week) – Dolphins are smart as fuck animals, very likely superior to humans which is why they live in the water as mammals and are like, “fuck land, with them bitch asses.” In fact, I’d say most oceanic mammals are probably the highest form of species on Earth. But I bet when they see that logo with one of them in a helmet, they get pissed, and then do those Mariah Carey singing sounds at each other which is them cussing about how we suck, “we” meaning humans. (If any dolphins are reading this, I am sorry for what my people aka people have done to the Earth. Also, can I ride you? Maybe even two of you with one foot on each and shit?)

#21: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (6-4; up one from last week) – The Buccaneers are a trick so don’t get caught up in thinking they are not a trick. However, as I said last week, they are a fantasy blessing, and will probably by wild card contention be forced to play through week 17 at a for-real rate, so my dork lawyer advice to you is pick up some of them Buccaneer bamas for your fantastical foozballs if you are thinking about playoffs and worried your main dude is going to be going half-speed.

#22: CINCINNATI BENGALS (5-5; up one from last week) – You should just go read my blurb for the Bengals from last week, because I was really proud of it.

#23: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (4-6; up one from last week) – The Redskins are my team, still, though I’ve pulled back, and they play on Thanksgiving Day, which seems massively fucked up from a historical perspective. Yesterday my kids were squealing like excited girls about something, so I did it too as a joke, and said, “REDSKINS! SQUEEEEEEEELLL!” and my wife was laughing so hard she had to leave the house, crying and laughing and holding her ruptured intestines. So I have decided I am going to squeal like a schoolgirl at a Beatles concert when good things happen in football games I watch of the Redskins from now on. This ridiculous action will keep me from getting too seriously tied up emotionally in stupid fucking football games I have no control over whatsoever.

#24: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (5-5; up one from last week) – Haha, the Saints are on a run, yes, but they are not good. They still essentially have a non-existent defense that will get manhandled by actual football teams. The fact the NFL is so chock full of lackluster teams should not mistakenly make you think the Saints clawing back up to .500 somehow means they are a potential playoff threat. They are not. Trust me; my science backs this ranking and that deduction.

#25: ST. LOUIS RAMS (3-6-1; down six from last week) – I feel bad for Sam Bradford, always kinda sucking but not quite obviously enough to be freed from the burden of being a potential franchise QB. He just screams “New York Giants back-up QB” to me, and yet he is still tied by the hopes of St. Louis to that number one overall draft spot. One day, my little Cherokee-eyed simpleton, you’ll be able to stand around on the sidelines working on your Sudoku puzzle like you’d want.

#26: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (4-6; same as last week) – I am not sure how Norv Turner always manages to last well beyond his obvious usefulness as a head coach and it has to get to these horrible, depressing moments where there is no choice but to realize all hope is lost and the team in question has basically wasted perhaps the best four years of its past fifty with this fucker. Still though, as an avid Norvell hater, it is funny to watch. Also I know a girl who slept with Philip Rivers when he was at N.C. State. He apparently has a really little dick and likes to piss on people sexually.

#27: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (3-7; same as last week) – Sadly though, Andy Reid will probably be fired before Norv Turner. That will make no fucking sense, but with the Eagles hitting their lowest point in 20 years probably, and Philly fans being mutant drunkards who need to feast on the psychic blood of their fallen brothers fairly regularly in order to sustain their cynical hearts, Andy Reid’s fat ass is probably going to get run out of town, probably with insensitive comments made about his dead and drug-addled sons in the process. So be it. That is the world we have built for ourselves.

#28: CLEVELAND BROWNS (2-8; up one from last week) – The Browns would be kind of a cool team to pull for, except for the fact Brandon Weeden is about the most white ass looking motherfucker the NFL has had as a QB since the days of Boomer Esiason and Phil Simms being mistaken for each other by most minorities. What is it with the Browns and white ass QBs like Weeden and Chris Simms and Brady Quinn? Like seriously, what the fuck?

#29: OAKLAND RAIDERS (3-7; down one from last week) – Looks like Al Davis died for nothing.

#30: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (1-9; up one from last week) – I have been trying left and right to think of something clever to say about the Jaguars but I can’t think of one. I even drank a little glass of buttermilk to try and conjure up something. Most buttermilk you get at the store is lowfat, which is fucking stupid because the whole point of buttermilk is for it to be full of healthy fats. Also all the buttermilk is sour because it is not like old school buttermilk that you could drink, and is mostly available nowadays for cooking not drinking. Thus my cup of buttermilk was not that great. This makes me think I need to have some dairy cows, although I guess I already have dairy goats that we’ve yet to breed. I mean, I’ve fucked one of them, but she didn’t get pregnant, which is probably for the best because she’s kind of a cracked out goat, always jumping over the fence, and that personality combined with mine, in a goat-human centaur of some sort, would probably be tough for the world to handle.

#31: CAROLINA PANTHERS (2-8; down one from last week) – Somebody tried to tell me the 2-8 Panthers were not as bad as their record suggests. I was like, “Fool, whoever they was playing ain’t as good as you tried to think.” And then I went rim shopping through back issues of Low Rider magazine from 1992. America made much better rims back then. We’ve lost our fuckin’ way, people!

#32: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1-9; same as last week) – The Chiefs are horrible. Beyond horrible. So horrible it is hard to even look at them and say, “Hey, let’s keep this but start over with this instead.” Constant rebuilding they’ve been in for a while now. Fuck it though, that’s the end of this week’s rankings.

Mid-season Psychic Rankings intro

What up yo? I almost had convinced myself to be all talking about the
Redskins, as I kinda tuned in a little but saw it was just dredgery,
and then two weeks later yep it was dredgery and falsetto prophets and
shit again, so I saved myself the trouble. That got me to thinking on
how soulless and killed off by a thousand psychic stab wounds that
team is now, which pointed me back to the Football Metaphysics for
Enlightened Degenerates book that I think is still in the sidebar over
to the right, of which I wrote some serious knowledge and life science
going into this season. That shit is timeless and applies to all of
eternity, even in universes that don't know American football, or
America, or earth, or humanoids even. That is what life science is.
Also of note, I had been doing research on medieval football forms
where basically two towns tried to maul each other until one had
forced an inflated pig bladder into the church bell tower of the
other, which to me is the most pure and idealist form of football
possible, and came across this quote:
"Bruised muscles and broken bones
Discordant strife and futile blows
Lamed in old age, then cripled withal
These are the beauties of football"

No doubt motherfuckers. So on this Election Day of theatrical pretend
freedoms on 2012 Roman calendar year, I'm here to tell you for the
rest of the week, I'm gonna run through the 8 divisions, and lay out
where they stand psychically. Though I have not been doing my weekly
NFLuminati updates, I've been very impressed with how right on it can
be, how weak teams do not shoot up by record, and strong teams do not
die with losses. The NFL has started to really smoke-and-mirror screen
a ton of shit to make you think more teams are worthwhile than they
really are. Shit man, even the good teams aren't that good, and
honestly, this year more than any in my recent decade of NFLuminati
studies, one conference is completely irrelevant, being the AFC. No
AFC team is going to win a Super Bowl as they are immersed in
irrelevant sub-standard competition for the most part, and would be
like a Big East team thinking it can win college football title game.
A joke.
But nonetheless, I am going to roll through where these teams are in
the official Raven Mack Armchair Linebacker Football Metaphysics
NFLuminati scale at this mid-point of the season, but more importantly
point out where these teams are psychically within their division,
starting with the lesser psychic divisions and working our way
upwards, ever upwards.
Please comment with your thoughts and input as I love interacting with
the multitude of fake programs pretending to be real people inside
this new-fangled elaborate TV program I'm watching called internets.

The World's Football World Cup Qualifying Primer Episode I

Today is another glorious day of World Cup 2014 qualifying worldwide. And being I have taken a liking to the World’s football, inadvertently because of how shitty American football has become, as well as Fox putting on English Premier League games in their second slot on weeks when they don’t have the rights to the NFL doubleheader, I figured I’d give this site a touch of the real football. I mean, let’s be honest – most of us are biased against soccer-football because of how shitty America is. In America, soccer fans are kinda dweebs. But really, so are American football fans to be real here for half a second. If you took 30 hardcore world football fans from most other countries and put them in a pit with 30 hardcore American football fans, I would put money on the internationals winning that battle any day of the week. It’s not even close. And honestly, as I’ve watched more football (which is what I am going to call soccer from here forth, so just accept that shit), I’ve come to appreciate how constant that shit is. The flow is so much faster than an American football game, which suffers from constant stoppages of play and complicated bullshit rules which are overly enforced and thus stifle actual play. Really, there is no more American game than American football, because of the over-legislation and stifling of actual loose play, and an overneed to protect one’s self from imminent injury at all times, it’s pure Americana.

Nonetheless, the Super Bowl and NFL playoffs – even if you’re not a world football fan – hardly compare to the excitement and insanity of the World Cup. Part of that is because it only happens every four years, and part of that is because it’s on the national level, so patriotic pride and historical senses are rolled up into the games as well, which you’d never get in a New England/Green Bay game even on the best Sunday. And still, with the World Cup not until 2014, qualifying is hot and heavy, and scheduled on certain days, so that you have a smorgasbord of activity. Today is such a day, and there are still 127 teams vying for the 31 open spots that will join Brazil in Brazil for World Cup 2014. That in itself is notable because it will be the first time that two World Cups in a row have occurred on non-European soil.

So in case you are thinking, “You know what, I’d like to jump into this soccer shit, because it’s Friday, and I don’t really feel like going to work anyways.” Well then friend, find yourself an Irish pub in your locality, head there around lunch time, and hope for multiple feeds of the world’s football. And in that spirit, here are the ten games today you should most hope to pay attention to, in chronological order even.

#1: PORTUGAL at RUSSIA in Moscow at 11:00 AM (all times Eastern time, American time) – European qualifying still dominates the football consciousness, even though the other continents are further along in the process. Europe gets 13 teams into the final field, and is broken up into 9 different groups. Within those groups, each team plays a home-and-away against every other team, and the top team from each group automatically makes the final 32 World Cup field. After that, the top 4 second-place teams will get in as spots 10-13 from Europe. Thus, winning your group is fairly big shit. Russia and Portugal both have legit World Cup hopes, but were both drawn into Group F. Both won their first two games and are sitting at 6 points (3 for a win, 1 for a draw, in case you ain’t know that shit). Portugal is probably the favorite in this group, but Russia is never one to concede athletic events. But for the most part, their two head-to-head games are probably going to decide who wins the automatic spot from this group. That makes this game pretty fucking big. A win by either puts them in the driver seat to actually go to Brazil in 2014, and a loss puts you in that dangerous zone of hoping to be one of the higher-pointed second-place teams. Because of this, both teams should go hard. If it’s knotted up well into the game, you might see sides slow it down for a draw, and put more weight on the follow-up in Portugal come next summer. But it should be a solid game, and a great way to start the day. And if you needed a reason to try and like world football, Portugal’s a pretty good squad to start with. They are European good but with a touch of South American flair.

#2: SPAIN at BELARUS in Minsk at 2:00 PM – Spain got drawn into Europe’s Group I along with France, who famously ripped off Ireland to get into the 2010 World Cup. Fuck France. But they are sneaky when it comes to world football, and Spain is considered the best squad on Earth. They just recently won the European Championships for the second time in a row, and won the last World Cup as well. But each one is its own thing obviously, and a nation’s fortunes can change quickly. France has already played two games and won both for 6 points. Spain has only played Georgia thus far, so with France not playing today, Spain can make up that 3 point deficit. And they should, easily enough, even on a travel game. But that’s the thing – you never know. You put into this the added context of Spain currently on the verge of financial chaos, and it’s gonna put a lot of eyeballs on their Spanish team hoping for athletic victory to help ignore the political realities going on outside their homes in the streets. That is part of what makes the world’s football so much more interesting as well. Conceivably by the time this Spanish team makes it to Brazil for the World Cup, Spain could fall into chaos and anarchy and civil war. And yet all that would stop for two-hour truces for World Cup games most likely.

#3: BELGIUM at SERBIA in Belgrade at 2:30 PM – Group A is a clusterfuck after everybody has played 2 of 10 games, with Croatia, Belgium, and Serbia all tied at the top with a win and a draw apiece. This makes their head-to-heads even more important. Belgium has not made the World Cup finals the past two times (since 2002, in other words), and though Serbia has been there the past two times, they’ve not made it out of the group stage (or first round) either time. So while football fans will be rejoicing in the Portugal/Russia game, these two teams are going to be looking to assert themselves as the dominant motherfuckers in their group to try and take that automatic top spot.

#4: BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA at GREECE in Piraeus at 2:45 PM – By luck of the draw in Group G, these two teams are packed with some of the lesser Baltic teams, so after two games, both these teams are undefeated. By goals for/against, Bosnia & Herzegovina is sitting at the top, having won their two games 8-1 and 4-1. But this is a home game for Greece. And I’m not sure if you follow the world news outside of the bullshit regular TV tells you, but there’s like rioting and shit going on in Greece right now. The country is basically in this position of being perhaps the first domino in the world economy collapsing or just teetering and uprighting itself. A lot of that will come down to how much bullshit the people of Greece will allow to be forced upon themselves by world finance. And it’s not like Bosnia has been a model of stability over the past twenty years. What that makes for is a good international football game. The misguided hopes and tarnished dreams of nations ride on these games.

#5: GERMANY at IRELAND in Dublin at 2:45 PM – Look, the Germans are a fluid machine in football, and should easily crush their way to victory in Group C, which includes the European lololol competitors from the Faroe Islands (who Germany lightly spanked 3-0 already). But Ireland lost the play-off game to get the last European slot in 2010, to a handball-related goal by France, which has pissed off the Irish – or at least added to their natural pissy nature – ever since. They protested with FIFA and wanted replays and all sorts of shit, and there was actually diplomatic discontent between them and the French. So, beyond their normal history, the Irish have a huge chip on their shoulder. Their home game against the Germans will be where their fans dream of glory coming to fruition, and perhaps propelling the Irish team into the World Cup eventually. They’ve only played one game, and won, so they can make themselves think, “We are equal to the Germans, if not better. We can do this. A beautiful Friday in Dublin, against those bastard Krauts… why the hell not?” This is what they are thinking, awaiting the methodical and relentless German attack, and perhaps dreams will be crushed (again) or perhaps it will be one of those insane moments of national glory to help keep the dream alive a little longer.

#6: CHILE at ECUADOR in Quito at 5:00 PM – The South American qualification process (aka CONMEBOL) is a glorious battle royal, even more so with Brazil hosting the World Cup in 2014. What this means is the remaining 9 teams from South America play a home-and-away round robin where the top 4 teams are guaranteed in, and the fifth-place team will get to play in a play-in game. South America is just under halfway through these games, and right now Chile is sitting in that fifth spot for the play-in. Ecuador is sitting in third, having won 4, drawn 1, and lost 2, but only on 8 goals scored. They are doing it ugly in other words. And Chile suffered a home loss last game against Colombia. On top of this, the dominant force in South American football, with Brazil out of the picture, is Argentina, who Chile will be hosting next Tuesday. So there’s a lot of shit going on around this game, and a lot of dust will have settled by this time next Wednesday. With South American teams, what this means is exciting play, insane fans, and all the glorious drunken beauty of humanity on degenerate parade. Ultimately, that is what drew me to the world’s football more than anything else.

#7: THE UNITED STATES at ANTIGUA & BARBUDA in North Sound at 7:00 PM – CONCACAF or North American football qualifying will be wrapping up its third round today and next Tuesday. There are three groups of four, and each group’s top two teams will go to the next round of qualifying. Right now in Group A, Jamaica, Guatemala, and the U.S. are all sitting tied with 7 points. Antigua & Barbuda is the weakest link, thus this is their literal elimination game. If they do not beat the Americans, they are out of World Cup contention – a draw will not suffice. Now of course, to you or me, it makes sense that a tiny pair of Caribbean islands forming a nation would not make the World Cup. But to those people, they are like, “Why the fuck not?” Or at least they can disrupt the Americans plans. You see, obviously if the other three teams are tied, all three need to beat the Antiguans & Barbudans somewhat automatically.  Jamaica has them next Tuesday to close out third round group play, so that makes this game even more important to the U.S. They need to win, and perhaps they need to pour on the goals as well as goal differential is the tiebreaker, and they are a +2 right now along with Guatemala, while Jamaica is a +1. The U.S. plays Guatemala in Kansas City next Tuesday, but shit man, you never know what could happen. If they can pummel some little islanders in this game, and hope for a Jamaica/Guatemala draw, that puts them in great shape to go into their at home next Tuesday knowing that if they play for a draw, they’ll advance to the next round. On top of all this, the American team will be missing a handful of prominent players due to injury, so it is all very sketchy and strange and lighted through the crooked prism that is international football, building towards an event that is still nearly two years away.

#8: URUGUAY at ARGENTINA in Mendoza at 8:00 PM – Both of these teams should be in the final World Cup field, but even so, with it being on South American soil, they will want to make sure of that. Argentina has been crushing motherfuckers, and sits in first place in CONMEBOL qualifying by 3 points right now. Argentinian people love few things as much as they love football. Uruguay feels the same way, but lacks the power of Argentina. That will not stop them from trying, and honestly, I remember Uruguay being one of my favorite teams to watch in the 2010 World Cup. Outside of the actual qualifying implications of the American game, for sheer enjoyment, this would be the game I’d most want to see today.

#9: MEXICO vs. GUYANA in Houston at 9:00 PM – So there’s no drama to this game at all, because Mexico has already waxed their Group B competition rather effectively, and is the only North American team already qualified for the fourth and final round of CONCACAF qualifying. The odd thing about this game is that the Guyana team sold the rights to their home game to a promoter who has booked the match in Houston, where Mexico enjoys a large following (due to all the Mexicans). In fact, the U.S. avoided scheduling games against Mexico (or other Central American countries) in Houston’s new soccer stadium because of a game against Mexico a while back which ended up basically being a home game for the Mexicans. So this game is not so much because it will be a nicely competitive game but because it will be a glorious romp for La Raza to celebrate itself publicly on American soil, as a home away from home display of greatness, tuning up for the fourth round next spring.

#10: JAMAICA at GUATEMALA in Guatemala City at 10:00 PM – Because of the aforementioned tomfoolery of the Group A dynamics, where America should (I repeat “should”) crush some Antiguan & Barbudan ass, these two teams will essentially be playing a play-in game. Jamaica has the small Antigua & Barbuda team next Tuesday, but they are also the only team to have drawn A&B, so nothing is guaranteed. Guatemala has a harder road to hoe, with a game in America after this, so they will be playing hard for the win, especially if the U.S. does beat the shit out of A&B in the earlier game. Shit should be hype.

And if all goes well, about thirteen hours after we kicked off this day, we’ll be done – for the day. Then they’ll come back with a whole new slew of qualifying games next Tuesday. After that, you won’t hear about the World Cup again until next spring. It’s a long slow boil of geopolitical intrigue. Some nations might not even exist come Brazil 2014. Shit man, we might be a world at war, or a world in financial chaos, or who the fuck knows? And yet a lot of common ass people would still demand we settle all these football issues. Sometimes it is the small and senseless dreams like that which keep humanity moving along. We are not much more than a simple assed animal, albeit one that has learned to make games of his time.

A Crisis of Faith (aka Seeing the Con)

And with this proclamation, on this 24th day of September in the year of 2012, I, Raven Mack, hereby announce my discontinued interest in the National Football League. I have flirted with the notion of switching team allegiances, but that would be like me saying I am now who I am. I was born a Redskins fan, and will be tied to that team for the rest of my life regardless of whether I watch another game ever again.

Yesterday, I knew what was going to happen, knew it in my soul. So I got up, gathered the family, and we drove up into the mountains, did some hiking, checked out some back roads. I did not watch the Redskins at all. I briefly cut it on the AM radio to check the status and it was early 4th quarter and they were losing. Then the Bengals got another TD, in like two minutes, and I was straight. There was no need to listen. I knew what was going on.
The Redskins are a broken team. I’ve come to think of NFL teams as Kingdoms, and Dan Snyder is the second King I’ve known in my life as a Redskins fan. He’s a terrible King. But to be fair, these Redskins have mostly had only terrible Kings, pretty much a racist King, a mentally unstable King, Jack Kent Cooke, and then our current meddling King. That part cannot be changed, no matter how much I root.
The coaching staff there is one of the worst in the NFL. I did not never like Mike Shanahan, but when I was married to him emotionally, I figured, “Fuck it, I’ll give him a chance.” But he’s not that smart a man. And he’s terribly stubborn. A terribly stubborn non-smart man is not a good thing to have involved in anything, much less in an upper management capacity.
Sadly, RG3 is one of the best rookie QBs I’ve ever seen. I can’t bear to watch his career wasted here, and most likely shortened. He seems like such a good kid that I mostly just feel bad he got saddled with the Redskins.
But most of all, NFL football itself has moved away from the Old Gods of football, and is now a corporate whore. The refs this season have been horrible, but the NFL believes itself duly protected by its eminent team sport status, and will always refuse to bend over to any collective bargained subordinate group. They feel the league is the product, and no labor part of that is stronger. The rules have been engineered to allow for more non-old Football Gods approved playing styles, and it’s honestly about four years from being as irrelevant and seemingly fixed as the NBA.
I did not watch the Redskins game yesterday, nor have I mired myself in the post-game prognosis. And I feel much better today for that. I feel clear and re-charged, not drained and pissed. And though there are those who would say, “Why quit now? Struggle with this team and you will be rewarded at some point when it’s all realized.” First off, there is no guarantee anything will ever be realized. Secondly, why continue to poison myself in the hopes that one day the poison will be replaced with wine? This makes no sense.
I have had fun writing Redskins nonsense over the years, and I will make a half-assed attempt to continue with the NFLuminati Index, but honestly I enjoyed the English Premier League game on Fox yesterday afternoon about a thousand times more than the NFL football. I know a thousand men who think their America blood is pure and noble will accuse me of being soft or misguided, but I tell you this – I will kick every one of your pussy fucking asses. I am not of this new school mentality to feebly root for something. I am of the old Football Gods, and I am violent and hold grudges for generations. Do not put your weak man judgments upon me, because I won’t sit there and suffer the fool as you choose to. I am fucking Raven Mack – free born man of the wildlands of North America – not to be fucking toyed with, and not to be made a weekly fool every fall by a corporate trickery long con trying to make me feel that by suffering idly by I am somehow a part of the eventual law of averages success. Fuck you NFL, and fuck you Washington Redskins.

Sincerely,
Raven Mack

Peyton Manning, Bountygate, & the Washington Redskins

First off, apologies for the lack of anything ACLB-related, all you Armchair Linebacker backers out there. Neil is burned out and working on some sort of psychosis-induced novella about sasquatches and Russian women taking over Michigan’s upper peninsula in some sort of apocalyptic thing (set two years from now, so be forewarned bros). And I am just I, sort of sick of humanity and sharing medicine with native shaman as often as possible because I can see the underlying concentric circles that unite us all molecularly, but seem to be frizzed by the electrosmog. I also had my neighbor’s son who used to live in her basement and has a backhoe come help me bury a shipping container in the hill in my pasture, which I’ve turned into my “lab” for writing-related endeavors. Which has meant I’m writing a lot, but outside of the nefarious reach of wi-fi or internet (and I’ve purposely positioned exactly 36 orgone generators in an hexagonal shape around the top of it), so none of that is here or now.
But I have kept abreast of all the wonderfully depressing developments of the NFL’s offseason. Who the fuck even played in the Super Bowl? Oh yeah… that actually took me about 13 seconds to remember it was Eli Manning and Bradyboy Bodean.
So yes, the two big topics of discussion are the Bountygate non-scandal of a scandal, which is actually a completely different and depressing scandal than you realize, and Peyton Manning, which has only depressed me to no end because if the Dan Snyder era of football ownershipping has taught me anything, it’s that if there’s a famous name who is half-crippled and will probably be a hollow shell of his self for the rest of his professional career, Dan Snyder is going to give him an extra two years and 39 million to come play for the Redskins. Which has meant I have actually gone through the process of emailing my man Will and we both going, “Will this be the end of our fandom of Redskins?” to mocking everything ever to begrudging acceptance to where I actually had at one point convinced myself that Peyton Manning would help turn the Redskins bad luck around and we might be a viable franchise again, right away, magically. This might be because I work with a lady who is a HUGE Peyton Manning fan, and in an office full of boring squares and normals, there’s a hidden quirkiness to her, so of course I love her in the secretive ways of a mental predator.
But honestly, now that the release has happened, and the Redskins are bandied about as a possible landing spot and making a hard pitch to Peyton, I am like, “C’mon Miami! C’mon Seattle!” I’m not sure there’s been a player in the past 15 years I’ve disliked as much as Peyton Manning, and probably no one before since Deion Sanders, and to have both of them sporting the maroon and black would just further piss on the grave of my football optimism.
Oddly enough, as the questions about Peyton’s ability to come back from multiple surgeries and experimental European treatments outlawed in America, Tony Dungy and his freakishly freckled face said he thought it all started with a Redskins tandem sack of ol’ Peyton a few years back, and how Peyton was never the same. This filled me with pride, as I remember that sack, because it pumped me the fuck up at the time. That game was painful, because you just wanted to see Peyton crushed left and right, but that dude avoids sacks like a champ, there is no doubt about that. But on one play, he got stuck, and in comes Andre Carter from one end and Philip Daniels from the other, Carter goes low which crumples Peyton just in time to catch a menacing Road Warrior Hawk clothesline from Daniels right across the neckbones. Sadly Peyton jumped right back up, and called a TO, but you could see he was visibly shaken, even if he was not in a crumpled heap between the hash marks. And if that was the beginning of the end, then so be it; we could proudly say that this Redskins team put both Peyton Manning and Troy Aikman into their final football chapter. Shit man, that’s about all I can hang my hat on from the past fifteen years.
But then the Bountygate story became a media moment of politically correct shocked hysteria, and Gregg Williams was cast as the NFL’s coaching boogieman, who cared not about the honorable tradition of playing football, and was a nefarious coaching Hitler with some sort of twisted pyramid scheme that rewarded maiming innocent people. But really, it’s not like Williams or this scandal was an extraordinary situation. I would imagine a ton of guys like Jack Del Rio and Mike Singletary and Jerry Glanville and Rex Ryan and even respectable dudes like Jeff Fisher and the Harbaughs and even probably Bill Belichick did the exact same thing, in one form or another. It’s not about paralyzing people, but if you can knock them the fuck out, then so be it. That’s what football is.
Or that’s what football was, I should probably say, because ultimately this has nothing to do with player safety, nor outlaw coaches. It is entirely about liability in regards to the poor health, specifically mentally, even more specifically neurologically, of former players. You see, I am a scientist, and at an army sponsored meeting regarding new trends in battlefield neurological assessments of blasted soldiers a couple years back, I had the joy of seeing a dude who was the Pittsburgh Steelers team neurologist speak. And I won’t tie any specific claims to him directly, but the gist of what I got from it was that the concussions and mental injury players were receiving was something no one really understood completely even six or seven years ago. But the MRI data is overwhelming – dudes are fucked. Which means dudes from every previous era of football are also fucked. Which means when dudes go off on suicidal binges or become raging drug addicts or just completely wreck their own lives like a textbook post-traumatic stress disorder Vietnam vet, there is a very identifiable cause to this – constantly bumping brains with dudes. And NFL helmet technology is pretty much based on army helmets from earlier world wars, which is designed to protect the cranium from projectile impact, not cushion the skull from jarring blows. So players have been playing unprotected to an extent, even with the new rules.
Ah yes, the new rules. Many like myself and what I assume is your average ACLB reader are like, “Man, this is bullshit. What happened to football?” And you are right in the sense it is not like the football you knew. But the change in rules and Bountygate’s eventual sacrificial lamb of Gregg Williams is the beginning of this new era of football, where the NFL is looking to establish a very public record of Zero Tolerance for head blows or on-the-field trauma to players, so that it can say – legally – that as soon as it knew from a scientific view that this was an issue, it did everything in its power to stop the trauma. Thus, the NFL avoids what could possibly be a crippling class action lawsuit from previous players and their families. That is what this all boils down to. There’s no real care for the players or anything like that. So the NFL will take steps towards making the entire season more like the Pro Bowl game, which I’m sure is going to require a good amount of re-training on all our parts to try and enjoy.
The NFL does a good job of encouraging beat writers and TV NFL guys to follow the league talking points though. Imagine you are a local reporter for like the Cleveland Browns, and you want to take the stand that the new NFL is fucking pussy, but then the Browns are like, “Look, you talk that shit and we’re going to limit your access to the team,” which then causes that reporter trifles in his ability to do his job. That shit happens all the time, and is why most “news” reports are nothing more than a re-wording of press releases with some googled-up stats thrown into the mix. And because of this, I would imagine your local NFL columnist, or the dude you like on the sports TVs, has already come out and been SHOCKED and GASPED at what Gregg Williams did. He’s supposed to react that way.
Mostly I feel bad for Gregg Williams. When Joe Gibbs retired again, I was a Redskin fan who really wanted Gregg Williams to be the head coach, but Snyder went with the Jim Zorn era instead. Yeah, Gregg Williams is a nut, but when he’s your defensive coordinator and you have guys like Sean Taylor and London Fletcher just salivating to crack a skull, on every play, you know, it hypes you up. The ol’ adrenal gland gets to pumping, which is one of the great benefits of a quality football product.
A Pro Bowl-style NFL football, which we were also conditioned towards last season with the exuberant passing performances of Brady and Brees and Rodgers and others, that doesn’t exactly get your adrenal glad pumping. It’s like watching the NBA, which is unfortunate for football fans, as well as the NFL ultimately, because most people don’t watch the NBA. But Williams is about to be laid out as a warning to everybody else, that this won’t be condoned by Sheriff Goodell, who really needs to not be thought of as a Sheriff so much as a dude just trying to completely recreate the backbone of an established sport. It’s wrong to me, and it’s wrong to you, but it’s what’s going to happen.
So basically forget about this being shocking, because it ain’t to anybody who, you know, has actually watched football for more than three years. And forget about thinking football is going to go back ever to that hard-nosed rugged smashmouth way. It’s over, bros. The lawyers have gotten involved and doled out the proper ass-covering warnings, and that era is as dead as Justin Strzelczyk and Rickey Watters.
But back to Peyton Manning and the Redskins… Thinking about Gregg Williams being overlooked for the head coaching job when Joe Gibbs retired, so that Snyder could hire Jim Zorn as an offensive coordinator, and then promote to head coach, that was a painful thing to endure as a Redskins fan. But I’ve come to expect that. Which is why I imagine even though it would be terrible for Peyton Manning himself to come to Washington, that’s exactly what will happen. Dan Snyder makes offers you can’t refuse. And Peyton’s doing an “aw shucks” routine like always, asking if you’re supposed to go take tours of teams or what, as he’s never done this before. That motherfucker knows the deal. He just got let go by his owner of forever, and he’s being as publicly classy as possible, to maximize his value to another team. A disgruntled crippled QB looks like the new Brett Favre, but a dude who is like, “Hey, I just want to keep playing football, and I understand why this happened but I’ll always love the fat ugly white people of Indiana!” is working the marks and being a company man so that another owner knows just how hard Peyton will work to try and be a good player, but at least be pleasing to the type of white people who pay $95 for a jersey with a number 18 on the motherfucker.
Which is funny too, because the Redskins have tried the savior routine so often it’s like the little Russian boy who cries “FIREWOLVES!” in a crowded school bus, I just don’t believe it. Just like football itself has changed forever, and will not go back, perhaps the Redskins have too. I mean, what’s the likelihood of me outliving Dan Snyder. That dude probably eats organic arugula daily, and I do peyote with drunkards. I’m doomed. So maybe it’s for the best the NFL is becoming the new NBA, because I certainly wouldn’t give a fuck about the Redskins if they were an NBA team. Maybe the Universe is doing me a favor, and maybe it’ll further do me a favor and make Peyton Manning a Redskin, to help aid and abet my break from this godawful pro football road I seem to stumbling down.