S14: Best African Cup of Nations Teams Over the Past 10 Competitions

[a ROJONEKKU simul-post]

Hey, guess what? This past weekend the 2013 African Cup of Nations kicked off in South Africa, and that is a thing I am casually interested in. Being this is a website inside of the American internet, where sort of interesting content is very often created by people casually interested in a thing, I figured what the fuck man, let me waste some time probably better spent on other things, and compile a list of the national football teams, African style, old sporting 14 list style, dork style, pure internet styles galore. So what I did was I broke open an Excel spreadsheet and calculated some functions and sorted some datas and went through the past ten African Cups, giving teams different points for how far they went each cup, and then powerfying them according to which one was most recent and which one was most farthest, and I came up with this totally scientific as fuck list of the Top 14 National Teams in the African Cup’s past ten tournaments, and will use this as a way to talk to you about what this team’s chances or whatever are for this African Cup.

You might be like, “Whoa whoa whoa… what the fuck is the African Cup of Nations?” Well, remember that shit about the UEFA Cup that was all over the ESPNs last fall, in Poland and the Ukraine, what which had white peoples from everywhere all talking about that shit, and people you never even knew were from Europe originally in your local locale started talking about shit like Wayne Rooney or Portugal or racism in the Ukraine or the local Irish pub that serves Guinness on tap? This is the African version. It was supposed to be in Libya, but then Libya came apart at the political seams in 2011 and traded spots with South Africa, who was gonna host this shit in 2017, so Libya will be all better by then I’m sure and be able to host the African Cup of Nations. There’s always some sort of craziness with the African Cup, like a country’s team is abducted or absolved or killed in a plane crash or there’s a civil war or something. So let’s travel through this wonderful continent that was the mother of all humanity...
#1: EGYPT aka The Pharaohs – Not even competing in this one; ranked 54th in the World by the FIFA. Egypt has won more African Cups than anybody – 7 – and even set a record in the early 2000s by winning or tying 19 straight games. They won this bama in 2006, 2008, and 2010. But during World Cup qualifying in 2010, they lost a controversial play-in game with Algeria, and the national team has pretty much gone into disarray ever since then, not qualifying for the 2012 CAN (aka African Cup) or this one in 2013 (which switched to odd years to avoid World Cup crossover). To their credit, they have two wins in their first two games of African group qualifying for the 2014 World Cup, and I am sure the fine folks of Egypt would rather have the nation’s third appearance in the World Cup than anything else, especially post-Mubarak era.
#2: CAMEROON aka The Indomitable Lions – Also not in the field of this 2013 CAN, and ranked 67th in the World by the FIFA. Cameroon is tied for second-most CAN titles having won four, just like Ghana. They’ve actually made the knockout phase (final eight) of the African Cup seven times in a row, before not qualifying in 2012. The early 2000s saw Cameroon as one of the Third World’s best football teams, almost cracking the FIFA top 10, and they’ve qualified for six of the past eight World Cups. They also are notable for controversial uniforms, as they had sleeveless bamas in Africa in 2002, which the World Cup wouldn’t let them wear. And then in 2004, Puma designed one-piece outfits for Cameroon (lolol) which FIFA declared illegal, even though there was no official wording saying shirts and shorts needed to be separate articles of clothing. As many things football-related end up doing, it went through international court systems, and Cameroon agreed to wear two-piece uniforms, and the FIFA gave them back their qualifying points that had been stolen by white men from Europe.
#3: NIGERIA aka The Super Eagles – In Group C of the African Cup, ranked 52nd by the FIFA. The 1990s saw one of the African continent’s best national team runs ever as Nigeria not only qualified but won their group in both the 1994 and 1998 World Cup, failing to win their first knock-out game in both however. Still though, those runs gave African teams confidence in their hyper-speed style of play. Nigeria, as you can see by their FIFA ranking, is not as great as it was when it was considered one of the best 5 teams on the Earth. Nigeria won the CAN twice, but not since 1994 when they were truly the Super Eagles, but has finished 2nd or 3rd four of the past six African Cups. They were, however, tied by lowly Burkina Faso in their first game this African Cup, which inspired THIS amazing celebration by the Burkina Faso goalkeep.
#4: COTE D’IVOIRE aka Les Elephants – In Group D aka the African group of death, ranked 14th by FIFA. Cote d’Ivoire, led by good ol’Didier Drogba, is the darling of the African continent currently, with the highest FIFA ranking of any nation. (Algeria, also in Group D, is the second-highest ranked team according to FIFA nerdery.) The thing is though, until the rise of Drogba, Cote d’Ivoire has little international presence. They’ve qualified for the past two World Cups, but not made it out of the group stage. In the African Cup, they had a run in the early ‘90s where they won in ’92 and finished third in ’94, but that’s their high. They’ve finished fourth in ’08, and lost the championship in ’06 and ’12, but have yet to win the Cup during the Drogba era. This might be their last chance to do so, as he is already transitioning into circus show stage of his career, playing in China for big money against lesser competition.
#5: GHANA aka The Black Stars – In Group B, ranked 26th in the World by the FIFA football ranking organization that is totally corrupt. Look, I will be honest, Ghana is my favorite team from the whole world, as the entire history of gaining independence before any other African colonial country, slapping a black star on their flag, and becoming proud soccer players, is a story that is unparalleled in Africa. Add to this weird Ghanaian movie house homemade movie posters, and a country that produces the best hip hop on the continent (fuck you Nigeria), and Ghana is the place I often convince my ol’lady we should relocate to before America completely disintegrates into financial chaos and cultural Armageddon. They’re tied for second with 4 African Cup titles, but haven’t won it all since 1982. In 2010, the Black Stars became only the third African team in historical foreverness to make it to the World Cup quarterfinals, losing in that round to Uruguay in a heart-breaking game I watched on a laptop sitting on the hood of a 1972 Pontiac Catalina (for real –word to the Fresh Dipped). Had they won, they’d have been the first African team to make the semifinals, ever. Here’s hoping to 2014 in Brazil! And here’sA SONG to hype you up about it!
#6: TUNISIA aka the Eagles of Carthage – Trapped in Group D, and ranked 53rd worldwide by the FIFA. Tunisia won this is 2004, but has drawn a group that features the two best current teams from the African continent. They’ll kick off group play tomorrow in a border bash against Algeria. They’ve qualified for four World Cups, including three in a row from 1998 through 2006, but are most famous amongst African football historians for being the first African nation to win a game in the World Cup, beating Mexico 3 to 1 in 1978. Ultimately, African football history on the international stage has been a slow-growth process of post-Colonial independence, as displayed through the prism of sports. This also is why I always root for African teams in the World Cup. Fuck the first world.
#7: ZAMBIA aka The Copper Bullets – In Group C, also the defending champions of the African Cup, and ranked 39th in the World. They’ve qualified for five World Cups, with very limited success there, and been a top team in African from time to time, but never won the African Cup until last year. Thus, there has been a cash bounty placed on them repeating as champions, as it is a proud moment for Zambians. I mean, sometimes I have to mail in these blurbs because I don’t feel like writing anything, so I just say really normal shit like that. It sucks, but luckily I don’t know any Zambians who will be insulted by it. I guess maybe that’s not lucky I don’t know Zambians, as perhaps my life would be more enriched with their influence.
#8: MALI aka Les Aigles which means Les Eagles – In Group B, ranked 25th by the FIFA. As of writing this, the first six games of this year’s African Cup have resulted in five draws, with Mali’s win over Niger (aka the N-country for poor spellers) being the only outright victory. Mali is the top-ranked team in this year’s competition that has never won an African Cup, and much like throughout their history, they are currently experiencing chaos and unrest at home. In fact, Mali has had to withdraw or didn’t even bother to enter qualifying for every World Cup up until 2002. Even then, in 2006, when they lost a qualifying game against Togo on a last second goal, riots broke out afterwards. So they’ve never won the African Cup and never even made the World Cup, and still are ranked 25th in the World right now. If you are a fan of chaos, I suggest you pull for Les Aigles.
#9: SENEGAL aka the Lions of Teranga – Unqualified for this African Cup, ranked 79th internationally by the FIFA. Senegal’s high watermark of historical footballdom came in 2002 when they made the quarterfinals of the World Cup. They’ve never won the African Cup, though they did finish 2nd in that 2002 year of greatness, and finished 3rd multiple times, as recently as 2006. But they’re not even in the field this odd-ass year.
#10: SOUTH AFRICA aka The Stupid South Africans – The host country and in weak-ass Group A, ranked 85th in the World. You may remember that South Africa hosted the last World Cup, which had those vuvuzelas making noise all over the place. I can only assume that shit is going on again at the African Cup. I fully support the use of cheap plastic horns; fuck the haters. That being said, I never cared much culturally for South Africa, even after apartheid ended, because I don’t know, it seems like the one African country that would be next to Florida on an imaginary map’s geopolitical reconfiguration of the Earth’s nations. That means it’s not so desirable. (Apologies to all Floridians and South Africans who are cool peeps though; keep it real y’all.) And actually their nickname is Bafana Bafana, which is Afrikaaner for “the Stupid South Africans” I think.
#11: MOROCCO aka The Lions of the Atlas – Another quality Group A team, and ranked 74th internation-style by FIFA. I don’t know, I’m getting kinda bored of this, and thinking about Morocco makes me wish I could smoke some hash, so I’m going to take my writing tincture and zone out to some Wino acoustic troubadour metal goodness for a little while.
#12: ALGERIA aka the Green Desert Foxes – In Group D, ranked 22nd in the World. Most of what I know about Algeria and Algerians was taught to me by an Egyptian co-worker right after Algeria beat Egypt in World Cup qualifying in 2010 and the two countries almost went to war. Algerians are dirty, smelly people, and carry giant swords around and kill people for no good reason, and are a country of thugs and murderers who wouldn’t respect the word of The Prophet if it was given to them right before their eyes. And really, they stink.
#13: ANGOLA aka The Sable Antelopes – In Group A, and ranked 78th by the FIFA. Look, all I know is Angola has the best flag in the whole wide world, because they are one of the last Communist countries left, and their flag features the traditional hammer and sickle image re-imagined with half a cog and a machete. I would love to have one of these. If you are reading this right now (which I doubt anybody is) and you were to buy me a full-sized Angolan flag and send it to my PO Box, you would be my most favorite person for at least three weeks. At least. That is not me begging either, because if I was going to beg for a flag I would beg for the old style Rwandan flag, pre-genocide style, which had the traditional African red and green and yellow with a basic black R right in the middle. That shit is tight as fuck.
#14: GUINEA aka the National Elephants – Not even in this bitch, ranked 61st by FIFA. They’ve never qualified for the World Cup, and were even banned from international competition at one point in the early 2000s due to government interference. They were runner-up in the 1976 African Cup, but have never made it beyond the quarterfinals other than that. And yet they consistently appear in the tournament, maintaining mid-card status in African football team. And with that vague wrestling-reference, I am out of this bitch. WATCH AFRICAN CUP GAMES ON WHATEVER ESPN IS ON THE INTERWEBS, OR BETTER YET GO TO SOME FOREIGN ASS WEBSITES AND DO SO, BECAUSE HONESTLY IF AFRICAN HISTORY HAS TAUGHT US ANYTHING IT SHOULD BE FUCK AMERICA.

The World's Football World Cup Qualifying Primer Episode II

While the NFL season went all NBA-style this past weekend, where all the good teams looked less than dynastic, and all the bad teams looked relatively interchangeable with each other, the World Cup of World Football will have another round of qualifying games tomorrow. You perhaps avoided blowing off work on Friday to watch the qualifiers, and instead focused on the painfully slow and frustrating MLB playoffs. I do not know. All I know is this past weekend of baseball playoffs and NFL offerings sold me even more on international football, as it is very simple – 45 minute halves. You will be over in two hours and can go back to your regularly scheduled day. Sometimes, as was the case with the Senegal/Ivory Coast African Cup of Nations qualifier over the weekend, you might even get out early. In Senegal, after a questionable penalty call and a second goal off the resulting free kick by Didier Drogba, Senegalese fans set fires in the stands and rioted, with 15 minutes time left on the clock. Players were hustled into the locker rooms, and then visiting Ivory Coast fans were ushered onto the field and encircled by the Senegalese army to protect them from rioting fans. Again, that is why the world’s football is superior. No NFL team has such passionate fans that diplomatic emergencies come about. You may see that as a negative, but if you do that means you are probably a self-important American fuck and I hope you get stabbed in the fucking intestines with a solid steel book of Rumi poetry chiseled sharp with the tears of a million children. You motherfucker.

Anyways, we get back to action, and this is it until spring time. There is a small day of games in November, but there won’t be another full-blown qualifying day until the end of next March. The biggest part of today’s qualifying is it is the final day of CONCACAF (North American) third round qualifying, where the twelve teams in this round will be narrowed down to six for the final round (sort of) of qualifying. Three teams are definitely eliminated, and only one is guaranteed into the fourth round thus far (Mexico), so you will have 8 international teams fighting for 5 spots, meaning three teams dreams will come to a bitter end, nearly two years in advance of the actual World Cup.

Nonetheless, I have hand-picked ten notable games for tomorrow’s qualifying endeavors, that you can make note of and enjoy either at your favorite international-friendly pub, or perhaps on your computerbot screen while pretending to work, or whatever the fuck you want to do. I do not give a fuck honestly.

#1: SOUTH KOREA at IRAN in Tehran at 12:30 PM (all time Eastern of the American variety) – Asian qualifying is further along than most other parts of the world, in terms of number of teams left. They started with 43, but are already down to the final 10, who are in two groups of 5, where the top two will make the World Cup field, and the third will be involved in play-in games to potentially make it. So being in the top two of your group is super important. Group B has seen Japan run the fuck away from everybody else, but Group A, which this game comes from, is more of a clusterfuck. South Korea is in first with 7 points, and Iran, Qatar, and Lebanon are tied for second with 4 points. One of those teams will most likely get the second automatic spot. This day of games will be the halfway point in the process as well.

So Iran is hosting the group-leading South Korean team, and a win would put them in great position to make the World Cup finals in Brazil. A loss would be crushing, and give opportunity to Qatar (who is hosting Uzbekistan tomorrow as well, and the Uzbekis have not won a game in this round yet). On top of this, you most likely are aware of the geopolitical issues swirling around Iran at the same time. Do not kid yourself for a minute that the rest of the world thinks as half-heartedly about world football (aka soccer) as the U.S. does. In fact, Iran’s first home game in this round, back in June against Qatar, had a live attendance of 100,000. Expect that again tomorrow, which could very well make it the most attended football game of the day, anywhere in the world.

You will probably get tired of me driving this point home, but the fact the football game is such a great contest, and yet still secondary to all the extra-curricular political and national intrigues that swirl around it, and yet the entire fermenting crockpot of extras is basically reduced down to just the football game for that 90 minutes, that is such an amazing and human thing.

#2: GREECE at SLOVAKIA in Bratislava at 2:30 PM – Europe is much earlier on in the qualification process, but with it being a simple case of each group winner making the final field, and each second place team having to hope to make it, there is less room for fucking around. Thus, Greece drawing with Bosnia & Herzegovina in Greece last Friday, 0-0, was fairly crushing to the Greeks, and left both teams in a three-way tie at the top of their Group G standings with Slovakia, who made the World Cup in 2010, and is not necessarily a slouch even though I don’t know where it is on a map. So now the Greeks have to go to the Slovaks for a match, and their country is in austerity turmoil with riots in the streets. This will be the Greece national team’s last qualifying game until next spring when they get a rematch at Bosnia & Herzegovina (not sure if they will be in Bosnia or Herzegovina for that one), so a lot of national interest will be focusing on this game, I am sure.

As for Slovakia, if they can snag a win against Greece, it puts them in a good position about 1/3 of the way through qualifying, with the meat of their match-ups yet to come.

#3: SWEDEN at GERMANY in Berlin at 2:45 PM – Germany might run away with Group C if Sweden is not careful. They are the obvious favorites, and are 3-0-0 thus far. Sweden is 2-0-0 in their two games however, and really are the only legitimate threat in this group at tripping up the German machine. A game in Berlin is probably not their best chance, but who the fuck knows? But with an outright win, Germany will have double the points of its nearest competitor in their group, already, and Sweden will be forced to play for an iffy second-place berth into the World Cup’s final field. They probably have as good a chance at that as anybody in Europe’s group system, but still, they’ll be playing for a draw at least, and a win if possible, in a tough away game.

#4: ENGLAND at POLAND in Warsaw at 3:00 PM – England’s football team is well-known for its crushing letdowns, and this is a perfect scenario for just such a thing to happen. Still very early on in Group H qualifying, England has a 3-point lead on both Poland and Montenegro. Poland has a rich football history, and a rabid fanbase. English fans are notoriously crazy as well. Probably the best chance for drunken fisticuffs around a game on this day’s worth of qualifiers is going to be this one (Argentina/Chile is a close second though), and look for Poland to try and drive a dagger into the heart of England’s dreams for an easy path to the World Cup. And anybody who has followed international football pretty much at any point since the beginning of the World Cup existing knows that England loves to make things difficult for themselves.

#5: FRANCE at SPAIN in Madrid at 3:00 PM – France and Spain are in the 5-team Group I, which means they will play two less games than the other groups. On one hand, you’d think this would make it easier to get that second-place path into the World Cup, as even the worst team games in this group will count for you (whereas they are thrown out in other groups); but it also makes every game more important, especially this one. Spain is expected to qualify, and perhaps win the whole World Cup (again, as they did in 2010). France is a team nobody likes other than French people. They are kind of like the Dallas Cowboys of world football basically, in that the rest of the world is all too ready to laugh at their failures. And even though both squads come in with two wins and no losses in their two games thus far, this should be a Spaniard victory with ease, although perhaps I am thinking wishfully. Their one common opponent is Belarus, who Spain crushed in Minsk, 4-0 last Friday, whereas France beat them 3-1 in France back in September. Logical reasoning from that suggest Spain should have a slight but strong edge over France, but the world’s football is never logical.

#6: NETHERLANDS at ROMANIA in Bucharest at 3:00 PM – Some words which are simple because they are common can become really hilarious when you over-analyze them by repeating them while high. “The Netherlands” is one such example. The Land of Nether. I have mostly been tripping out on that today. But this match between the two top teams in Group D will be a strong case as to who will get the automatic top spot into the World Cup. Both teams have won all three games they’ve played in qualifying thus far. Even in their combined scores against common opponents (Turkey and Andorra), they equal out to 5-0 goals for-against. Obviously, the game being played in Bucharest gives the Romanians an advantage, but the way things look, their two head-to-head matches will be the key to this group. Hungary has a strong tradition, but was waxed 4-1 when they played the Land of Nether in September. Expect the Netherites to go for standard philosophy of at least a draw, but hopefully a win on the road, and Romania will look to crush their enemy outright on the home pitch. In cases like this, a draw at home is considered a loss philosophically, as you put too much weight on the away replay, even if this is part of a round robin format and not a simple home-and-away. Romania will celebrate a win wildly, trust me, and if the Land of Nether steals a draw, much less a win, it will be a huge game in their favor towards making the final World Cup field.

#7: CANADA at HONDURAS in San Pedro Sula at 4:00 PM – This is a fairly huge game. Right now in Group C, Panama and Canada have 10 points, and Honduras has 8. The thing is, Panama is playing Cuba on this final day of 3rd round qualifying, and although it is in Havana, Cuba has lost all five games in this round, and been outscored 9 to 0 in those games. In other words, Panama is probably one of the two teams to move on, with little doubt.

That means the Hondurans hosting Canada is, essentially a play-in game to stay alive in World Cup qualifying. For the Canadians, with a 2-point advantage coming in, they can play for the draw, which is what you should expect. I mean, there’s an outside chance they could lose and still move on, if somehow magic happens and Cuba crushes Panama, but that ain’t happening. For Honduras, it is very simple – beat Canada in front of the home crowd and make it to the 4th round of CONCACAF qualifying which will be a home-and-away round robin with five other teams. Win this game, and they will have ten more qualifying games to continue chasing their World Cup dreams. Lose, and they are done. Ultimately, that is the same destiny that faces the Canadians, but like I said, they can play for the draw. Honduras needs an outright win.

#8: GUATEMALA at UNITED STATES in Kansas City at 7:15 PM – This is a fairly interesting match-up because none of the Group A teams have qualified for the next round, and both of these teams sit at the top with 10 points, while Jamaica chases from the rear with 7 points. These two teams can coast to a draw and get both themselves into the next round. Unfortunately, that might be likely. Even a close game of one-goal difference might shut the Jamaicans out, as they’ll need a big goal differential to force their way through a tie-breaking process. But if these teams draw, they both advance. And whosoever wins guarantees themselves into the 4th round, while the other has to split hairs with Jamaica potentially.

#9: ANTIGUA & BARBUDA at JAMAICA in Kingston at 7:15 PM – The great thing about this is it occurs at the same time as the Guatemala/U.S. game, so there will be scoreboard watching galore going on in Independence Park in Kingston. Jamaica needs to not only win, but win big. The ideal situation would be for Jamaica to get a three goal win over Antigua & Barbuda (who has not lost by more than 2 goals during this entire round of qualifying, though they have yet to win a game), and one of the teams to lose outright in the U.S. game, preferably Guatemala, whom Jamaica could force a play-off game with if everything breaks right. But at the last, they need to crush some Antinguan & Barbudan ass. Problem is, the only game that Antigua & Barbuda has not outright lost this entire qualifying round was a 0-0 draw against this very Jamaican team in June. That draw ultimately is probably going to be what holds Jamaica back from advancing. But they’ll be trying to pile the goals on tomorrow night in hopes that their past transgressions do not hold them back in the present. That, as well, is the beauty of World Cup qualifying, even two calendar years in advance of the actual World Cup 2014 getting started in Brazil.

#10: ARGENTINA at CHILE in Santiago at 10:05 PM – With World Cup 2014 being in Brazil, the heat is on all South American squads even more than usual to qualify. Home continent teams tend to win the World Cup historically, so South American teams will feel a psychological advantage come 2014 (and also experience a physical one, as South American fans will congregate upon Brazil, most certainly). Unfortunately, Chile has lost their last two qualifiers to Ecuador (last Friday in Quito) and Colombia (last month, in Chile). They return home to face the proud squad sitting atop the CONMEBOL qualifying standings, while the Chileans teeter around the middle of the pack, which could mean a play-in game, or even failing to qualify if they fall below the fifth spot, which they are only one point ahead of right now. Add to this the fact that Chile and Argentina are neighbors who comprise the entire southern third of South America, and what you have is the makings of a hotly contested Tuesday night game in Latin America. Argentina has been crushing motherfuckers lately (minus a strange 1-1 tie to lowly Peru in September, they’ve outscored opponents 10 to 1 in qualifiers this calendar year), and the Latin alpha male desire to assert one’s dominance over another shall be on display, for sure. Because even as Argentina dominates people lately, they are only one point up on Ecuador and Colombia, and they will want to maintain and grow that lead. Sneaking in as second- or third-best is not going to be the Argentinian way, so expect this to be perhaps the hottest game of the day.

So there you have it – your World Cup day of qualifying primer for Tuesday’s games. We’ll have a quarter-schedule of games in November, and then have to wait until March of 2013 before we get to get our nationalist pride stoked into a fury again, in terms of football at least.

The World's Football World Cup Qualifying Primer Episode I

Today is another glorious day of World Cup 2014 qualifying worldwide. And being I have taken a liking to the World’s football, inadvertently because of how shitty American football has become, as well as Fox putting on English Premier League games in their second slot on weeks when they don’t have the rights to the NFL doubleheader, I figured I’d give this site a touch of the real football. I mean, let’s be honest – most of us are biased against soccer-football because of how shitty America is. In America, soccer fans are kinda dweebs. But really, so are American football fans to be real here for half a second. If you took 30 hardcore world football fans from most other countries and put them in a pit with 30 hardcore American football fans, I would put money on the internationals winning that battle any day of the week. It’s not even close. And honestly, as I’ve watched more football (which is what I am going to call soccer from here forth, so just accept that shit), I’ve come to appreciate how constant that shit is. The flow is so much faster than an American football game, which suffers from constant stoppages of play and complicated bullshit rules which are overly enforced and thus stifle actual play. Really, there is no more American game than American football, because of the over-legislation and stifling of actual loose play, and an overneed to protect one’s self from imminent injury at all times, it’s pure Americana.

Nonetheless, the Super Bowl and NFL playoffs – even if you’re not a world football fan – hardly compare to the excitement and insanity of the World Cup. Part of that is because it only happens every four years, and part of that is because it’s on the national level, so patriotic pride and historical senses are rolled up into the games as well, which you’d never get in a New England/Green Bay game even on the best Sunday. And still, with the World Cup not until 2014, qualifying is hot and heavy, and scheduled on certain days, so that you have a smorgasbord of activity. Today is such a day, and there are still 127 teams vying for the 31 open spots that will join Brazil in Brazil for World Cup 2014. That in itself is notable because it will be the first time that two World Cups in a row have occurred on non-European soil.

So in case you are thinking, “You know what, I’d like to jump into this soccer shit, because it’s Friday, and I don’t really feel like going to work anyways.” Well then friend, find yourself an Irish pub in your locality, head there around lunch time, and hope for multiple feeds of the world’s football. And in that spirit, here are the ten games today you should most hope to pay attention to, in chronological order even.

#1: PORTUGAL at RUSSIA in Moscow at 11:00 AM (all times Eastern time, American time) – European qualifying still dominates the football consciousness, even though the other continents are further along in the process. Europe gets 13 teams into the final field, and is broken up into 9 different groups. Within those groups, each team plays a home-and-away against every other team, and the top team from each group automatically makes the final 32 World Cup field. After that, the top 4 second-place teams will get in as spots 10-13 from Europe. Thus, winning your group is fairly big shit. Russia and Portugal both have legit World Cup hopes, but were both drawn into Group F. Both won their first two games and are sitting at 6 points (3 for a win, 1 for a draw, in case you ain’t know that shit). Portugal is probably the favorite in this group, but Russia is never one to concede athletic events. But for the most part, their two head-to-head games are probably going to decide who wins the automatic spot from this group. That makes this game pretty fucking big. A win by either puts them in the driver seat to actually go to Brazil in 2014, and a loss puts you in that dangerous zone of hoping to be one of the higher-pointed second-place teams. Because of this, both teams should go hard. If it’s knotted up well into the game, you might see sides slow it down for a draw, and put more weight on the follow-up in Portugal come next summer. But it should be a solid game, and a great way to start the day. And if you needed a reason to try and like world football, Portugal’s a pretty good squad to start with. They are European good but with a touch of South American flair.

#2: SPAIN at BELARUS in Minsk at 2:00 PM – Spain got drawn into Europe’s Group I along with France, who famously ripped off Ireland to get into the 2010 World Cup. Fuck France. But they are sneaky when it comes to world football, and Spain is considered the best squad on Earth. They just recently won the European Championships for the second time in a row, and won the last World Cup as well. But each one is its own thing obviously, and a nation’s fortunes can change quickly. France has already played two games and won both for 6 points. Spain has only played Georgia thus far, so with France not playing today, Spain can make up that 3 point deficit. And they should, easily enough, even on a travel game. But that’s the thing – you never know. You put into this the added context of Spain currently on the verge of financial chaos, and it’s gonna put a lot of eyeballs on their Spanish team hoping for athletic victory to help ignore the political realities going on outside their homes in the streets. That is part of what makes the world’s football so much more interesting as well. Conceivably by the time this Spanish team makes it to Brazil for the World Cup, Spain could fall into chaos and anarchy and civil war. And yet all that would stop for two-hour truces for World Cup games most likely.

#3: BELGIUM at SERBIA in Belgrade at 2:30 PM – Group A is a clusterfuck after everybody has played 2 of 10 games, with Croatia, Belgium, and Serbia all tied at the top with a win and a draw apiece. This makes their head-to-heads even more important. Belgium has not made the World Cup finals the past two times (since 2002, in other words), and though Serbia has been there the past two times, they’ve not made it out of the group stage (or first round) either time. So while football fans will be rejoicing in the Portugal/Russia game, these two teams are going to be looking to assert themselves as the dominant motherfuckers in their group to try and take that automatic top spot.

#4: BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA at GREECE in Piraeus at 2:45 PM – By luck of the draw in Group G, these two teams are packed with some of the lesser Baltic teams, so after two games, both these teams are undefeated. By goals for/against, Bosnia & Herzegovina is sitting at the top, having won their two games 8-1 and 4-1. But this is a home game for Greece. And I’m not sure if you follow the world news outside of the bullshit regular TV tells you, but there’s like rioting and shit going on in Greece right now. The country is basically in this position of being perhaps the first domino in the world economy collapsing or just teetering and uprighting itself. A lot of that will come down to how much bullshit the people of Greece will allow to be forced upon themselves by world finance. And it’s not like Bosnia has been a model of stability over the past twenty years. What that makes for is a good international football game. The misguided hopes and tarnished dreams of nations ride on these games.

#5: GERMANY at IRELAND in Dublin at 2:45 PM – Look, the Germans are a fluid machine in football, and should easily crush their way to victory in Group C, which includes the European lololol competitors from the Faroe Islands (who Germany lightly spanked 3-0 already). But Ireland lost the play-off game to get the last European slot in 2010, to a handball-related goal by France, which has pissed off the Irish – or at least added to their natural pissy nature – ever since. They protested with FIFA and wanted replays and all sorts of shit, and there was actually diplomatic discontent between them and the French. So, beyond their normal history, the Irish have a huge chip on their shoulder. Their home game against the Germans will be where their fans dream of glory coming to fruition, and perhaps propelling the Irish team into the World Cup eventually. They’ve only played one game, and won, so they can make themselves think, “We are equal to the Germans, if not better. We can do this. A beautiful Friday in Dublin, against those bastard Krauts… why the hell not?” This is what they are thinking, awaiting the methodical and relentless German attack, and perhaps dreams will be crushed (again) or perhaps it will be one of those insane moments of national glory to help keep the dream alive a little longer.

#6: CHILE at ECUADOR in Quito at 5:00 PM – The South American qualification process (aka CONMEBOL) is a glorious battle royal, even more so with Brazil hosting the World Cup in 2014. What this means is the remaining 9 teams from South America play a home-and-away round robin where the top 4 teams are guaranteed in, and the fifth-place team will get to play in a play-in game. South America is just under halfway through these games, and right now Chile is sitting in that fifth spot for the play-in. Ecuador is sitting in third, having won 4, drawn 1, and lost 2, but only on 8 goals scored. They are doing it ugly in other words. And Chile suffered a home loss last game against Colombia. On top of this, the dominant force in South American football, with Brazil out of the picture, is Argentina, who Chile will be hosting next Tuesday. So there’s a lot of shit going on around this game, and a lot of dust will have settled by this time next Wednesday. With South American teams, what this means is exciting play, insane fans, and all the glorious drunken beauty of humanity on degenerate parade. Ultimately, that is what drew me to the world’s football more than anything else.

#7: THE UNITED STATES at ANTIGUA & BARBUDA in North Sound at 7:00 PM – CONCACAF or North American football qualifying will be wrapping up its third round today and next Tuesday. There are three groups of four, and each group’s top two teams will go to the next round of qualifying. Right now in Group A, Jamaica, Guatemala, and the U.S. are all sitting tied with 7 points. Antigua & Barbuda is the weakest link, thus this is their literal elimination game. If they do not beat the Americans, they are out of World Cup contention – a draw will not suffice. Now of course, to you or me, it makes sense that a tiny pair of Caribbean islands forming a nation would not make the World Cup. But to those people, they are like, “Why the fuck not?” Or at least they can disrupt the Americans plans. You see, obviously if the other three teams are tied, all three need to beat the Antiguans & Barbudans somewhat automatically.  Jamaica has them next Tuesday to close out third round group play, so that makes this game even more important to the U.S. They need to win, and perhaps they need to pour on the goals as well as goal differential is the tiebreaker, and they are a +2 right now along with Guatemala, while Jamaica is a +1. The U.S. plays Guatemala in Kansas City next Tuesday, but shit man, you never know what could happen. If they can pummel some little islanders in this game, and hope for a Jamaica/Guatemala draw, that puts them in great shape to go into their at home next Tuesday knowing that if they play for a draw, they’ll advance to the next round. On top of all this, the American team will be missing a handful of prominent players due to injury, so it is all very sketchy and strange and lighted through the crooked prism that is international football, building towards an event that is still nearly two years away.

#8: URUGUAY at ARGENTINA in Mendoza at 8:00 PM – Both of these teams should be in the final World Cup field, but even so, with it being on South American soil, they will want to make sure of that. Argentina has been crushing motherfuckers, and sits in first place in CONMEBOL qualifying by 3 points right now. Argentinian people love few things as much as they love football. Uruguay feels the same way, but lacks the power of Argentina. That will not stop them from trying, and honestly, I remember Uruguay being one of my favorite teams to watch in the 2010 World Cup. Outside of the actual qualifying implications of the American game, for sheer enjoyment, this would be the game I’d most want to see today.

#9: MEXICO vs. GUYANA in Houston at 9:00 PM – So there’s no drama to this game at all, because Mexico has already waxed their Group B competition rather effectively, and is the only North American team already qualified for the fourth and final round of CONCACAF qualifying. The odd thing about this game is that the Guyana team sold the rights to their home game to a promoter who has booked the match in Houston, where Mexico enjoys a large following (due to all the Mexicans). In fact, the U.S. avoided scheduling games against Mexico (or other Central American countries) in Houston’s new soccer stadium because of a game against Mexico a while back which ended up basically being a home game for the Mexicans. So this game is not so much because it will be a nicely competitive game but because it will be a glorious romp for La Raza to celebrate itself publicly on American soil, as a home away from home display of greatness, tuning up for the fourth round next spring.

#10: JAMAICA at GUATEMALA in Guatemala City at 10:00 PM – Because of the aforementioned tomfoolery of the Group A dynamics, where America should (I repeat “should”) crush some Antiguan & Barbudan ass, these two teams will essentially be playing a play-in game. Jamaica has the small Antigua & Barbuda team next Tuesday, but they are also the only team to have drawn A&B, so nothing is guaranteed. Guatemala has a harder road to hoe, with a game in America after this, so they will be playing hard for the win, especially if the U.S. does beat the shit out of A&B in the earlier game. Shit should be hype.

And if all goes well, about thirteen hours after we kicked off this day, we’ll be done – for the day. Then they’ll come back with a whole new slew of qualifying games next Tuesday. After that, you won’t hear about the World Cup again until next spring. It’s a long slow boil of geopolitical intrigue. Some nations might not even exist come Brazil 2014. Shit man, we might be a world at war, or a world in financial chaos, or who the fuck knows? And yet a lot of common ass people would still demand we settle all these football issues. Sometimes it is the small and senseless dreams like that which keep humanity moving along. We are not much more than a simple assed animal, albeit one that has learned to make games of his time.