Saturday, December 17, 2011

This is What Happens When you Sign Former Cowboys

"Say good night to the bad guy"

So. Well. Huh. Sunday night, I had to endure a taste of the awful. The Bears lost to the Broncos, just like I figured they would, and they did it in the most annoying way possible, because God loves Tim Tebow and hates me. But I had made my peace with this sort of thing happening ahead of time, and  I was prepared for that to be the worst part of my sports-related week. You know, hearing all about how the sports media's new-found Favre used his work ethic to have the Chicago coaching staff abandon all acknowledgement of the concept of a first down in the fourth quarter, his leadership to make Marion Barber run out of bounds and fumble at the worst times humanly possible, his athletic prowess to make Lovie Smith opt for the Prevent defense, his undying faith to make Zack Bowman and Chris Conte both blow their assignments on the same play, and his stunning good looks to inspire Matt Prater to kick a 59 yard field goal. You know, that whole thing. Then, this thing happened.

"Don't worry, dude. Maybe someone on the team will get busted for being a huge drug kingpin, and this'll all blow over."

So the guy the Bears signed to be a younger, shittier Rashied Davis ended up actually being a younger, shittier Nate Newton, and the effects could be far-reaching. Already, there's been speculation that for signing this guy the very next day after he had to go get back his $88,000 from the police after a dude driving his car was busted on the way to a huge coke deal with an undercover fed, (I wonder what all that money could have possibly been for...) this thing could cost Jerry Angelo his job. And oh Lord no, please don't let that happen. Seriously. The part that might actually be bad for the team, though is this little gem: In addition to however many regular people that ten kilos of coke and a thousand pounds of weed could keep high in a week, he also might have been selling to other NFL players. Selling to other NFL players. In Chicago. You know. Where the Bears play. Fuck.

PICTURED: Fullback Tyler Clutts is questioned by federal authorities.

So just when it can't get any worse, when the Bears lose Cutler and Forte and go from a Wild Card playoff team in control of their own second-place destiny to a flaming wreck of a team that's got no hope for January, but has won too many games to get a good draft pick in 2012, Hurd goes down, and who knows, he might be taking other players who are actually good down with him. I mean yeah, it's all just potentially-bullshit rumor at this point and he and his lawyers have denied it, but every day becomes an adventure from here on out, waiting to see if anyone else shows up in the news reports, either being suspended for a few games for weed, or maybe even doing fucking time for cocaine. Not to mention all those antibiotics he must have sold to Roy Williams, because seriously, that guy couldn't even catch a cold, am I right, fellas? HEYYOOOOOOOO. Sorry, that was terrible, and I apologize. Just not to Roy Williams, though. Screw that guy. But to sum up the last week of Chicago Bears goings-on: God damn. Just god damn.

 Everything is terrible, so here is a picture of my dog looking concerned, because it makes me happy.

TOMORROW: The Bears play the Seahawks, and I haven't paid a bit of attention to them, but I'm going to assume they're still kind of awful. And the Bears are coming into this game with failure as absolutely not an option. With all the ground they've lost on teams like the Lions and Falcons, and let's face it, with defeat basically guaranteed against Green Bay a week from now, their backs are against the wall, and this is the must-win situation to end all must-win situations for this team.

But yeah, Caleb Hanie.

PREDICTION: Seahawks 14, Bears 9.

236 comments:

1 – 200 of 236   Newer›   Newest»
Neil said...

As usual, the one thing that will unite us all as a people is this: fuck Roy Williams.

Also, with my luck, news will break that Hurd sold shit to St. Calvin, Young Matthew and The Lord of the House of Spears and they'll all be suspended for the rest of the season or some bullshittery like that. Not The Great Willie Young though. He is his own drug.

Anonymous said...

"He was seeking five to ten kilograms of cocaine and 1,000 pounds of marijuana a week to distribute and was willing to pay $25,000 per kilo of cocaine and $450 per pound of marijuana."

Now that must have been some garbage fucking grass

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