Thursday, September 18, 2008
Chris Cooley Appreciate Post
Being Chris Cooley's penis has been a big story inside the retarded internets this week, I figured I'd give you a little Redskin fan insight into this guy, who is easily one of the best holdover characters from the team full of wacky fuckers that Joe Gibbs put together. In fact, that's been one of my biggest worries of the new Zen Corporate Jim Zorn era, is will they run off all the wackjobs that Gibbs seemed to love so much? You look back to the '80s when Gibbs was winning rings, he always had a John Riggins or Dexter Manley - drunken, illiterate fuckers that most teams wouldn't bother with. But Gibbs welcomed those types, because he knew they'd be loyal. You look at this Redskins team, with Cooley and Clinton Portis and Fred Smoot and some lesser known freaks like Mike Sellers and Randy Thomas, and he definitely embraced the oddballs, even if he was a born again Christian.
But anyways, back to Chris Cooley, whose penis picture on his blog has been a heavily circulated story. When Cooley was drafted, I had no idea who the fuck he was, some obscure tight end from Utah State, which made me assume he wasn't Mormon enough to play at BYU, nor Mormon Lite enough to play at Utah, so he ended up at Utah State. He came in when Gibbs was instituting his H-back offense, which is some sort of RB/TE hybrid, like a fullback but with better receiver's hands. So Cooley was assigned #47, although he was basically a tight end. That automatically made him stand out. The Redskins franchise has not been known for wacky numbering things, never even having a player in the 90s until the decade of the '90s, if my remembory is correct.
From the first training camp and the Washington Post hype articles about the team, I could tell this dude was gonna be great. You could see from the beginning he had the potential to blossom into a John Riggins for the internet age. He played it cool at first, doing what a rookie was supposed to do, but once he had made the team and you could see he was better than what you'd expect for a third round draft pick, he started to let himself shine. First there was the white man's afro he grew out. Then he wore grey sweatpants cut off with heavy metal band logos scribbled all over them in sharpie. This wasn't the behavior of a normal football player - this was a stunted mentality hair metal jock recreational pot smoker.
Then came the short shorts. In the alpha male world of professional football, I cannot even begin to imagine why someone would want to step out in training camp in those. But Cooley did, proudly. About the same time, Santana Moss and Clinton Portis were trying to convince him to wear his long white man's afro in cornrows, which I think he seriously considered until he realized how long it would take to do. He also started dabbling in dating Redskins cheerleaders at this time. Apparently, it is team rule, probably league-wide, for cheerleaders not to date players. You can't really control the players, so it's put into the field of responsibility of the cheerleaders to stop such relationships. However, not only did Cooley date one of the Redskin cheerleaders, he met a second cheerleader while dating the first one, dumped the first, started seeing the second, and now they're married. Both cheerleaders were fired, of course, and Cooley was moving more #47 jerseys than ever.
And then came his blog. It's not really that great a blog by blogosphere standards, but by the boring professional athlete official website standard, it's great. He doesn't even have it on an official site; it's at a blogspot address just like the rest of us internet-entrapped schmucks. Washington DC is setting a high bar for retarded athlete blogs, first with Gilbert Arenas at the NBA site, and now with Cooley's. But his has been odder than your standard sports dude site from the beginning. He ran a beard-growing contest during the preseason, giving away tickets to winners, and a grand prize of meeting him to whoever had the best before and after pic from that one month.
And before the stupid penis picture went up on the internet, along with a team quiz, that was supposed to be some giant abomination against team playbook secrecy, he did the franchise more good than Vinny Cerrato ever did with the help of his blog. Earlier this year, during preseason, the tomahawk of Chief Zee (that old black dude dressed up like an Indian who's been at every Redskins game my whole life and during the late '80s would often have end zone fake fights with the Cowboys fan mascot, who recently died of the cancers I think) was stolen from Chief Zee somehow. Chief Zee was devastated, but really had nowhere to turn. The police don't give a fuck about a black man dressed up like The Village People having his prop stolen, and how do you find a fake tomahawk anyways? Well Chris Cooley took it to his blog, saying no questions asked, if anyone could come forward with the whereabouts of the tomahawk and return it, no one would be charged or bothered with anything more. The next day, an email comes in from a guy saying he didn't take it but he knows where it is and he'll get it from the guy. Two days after that, fake Redskin Chief Zee has his fake tomahawk back, and all is right again in the psychic energy fields of Redskinland.
You probably know the whole story behind the accidental posting of the nudie pic on the blog, but more concerning to me is Zorn calling a team meeting, showing the pic in front of the whole team, to embarrass Cooley, and to make a point about the way players conduct themselves online. I understand the playbook aspects, although all that was shown in the pic (which I haven't actually looked at to be honest, because the short shorts were as close to seeing Chris Cooley nude as I want to get) was a team quiz with no specifics of game plan or anything. Zorn is kind of a weird dude, with anime hair, and a strong desire to prove he's not a fucking retarded move by Dan Snyder to hire as head coach. As a Redskins fan, I want them to win more than anything. But I look at the closeted homosexuals like Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander that the Seattle Seahawks got good with, where Zorn was previously employed at as a two-bit offensive coach, and I don't think I want to see quality fuck-ups like Chris Cooley be sacrificed for a more sterile team that might be two or three games better in the short-term. A guy like Cooley is one of those fucking loveable retards you can be proud represents your team. In this era of free agency and salary cap cuts where your entire roster rolls over every five years, Cooley is a throwback, and a guy I'd like to see wearing a white and burgundy #47 for a long ass time.