Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Diary of Inevitable Suck

8:28 pm: The kids are in bed, I cracked open a stupid beer, and am settling in for potentially the worst, though I am as naive as ever and have convinced myself that magic just may happen again, even though all signs point to a completely worthless offense being even more completely worthless with an old guy calling plays to a shitty guy who then translates them into a half-retarded mushmouth quarterback. How the fuck are the Redskins 2-4? It's like a guy with lifetime impotency somehow still shoved his limp dick into a woman and made two children. Oh well.

8:31 pm: I have no satellite television, and am one of those dudes who is avoiding answering the phones since it's probably a creditor and I stopped paying my minimum payments two months back. You know those ridiculous commercials about "too much credit card debt, call now" that pop up? I actually half-heartedly pay attention to it. But I am listening to the drunken masters of Sonny Jurgensen and Sam Huff and the other guy do the radio call in Redskins spirit on the satellite radio. I cut my satellite radio off every February, and re-hook it up every September for the NFL radio games. And usually when I re-hook it up, they give me two extra months for free.

8:33 pm: Chris Cooley has bleached blonde hair, which when a old drunks tell you about it and laugh a cigar smoke speckled laugh, it makes me feel good, very briefly, about still being a Redskins game. In fact, Sam Huff is talking about how the fact the players are being introduced individually like they used to do back in the day means they will probably win.

8:34 pm: "We've been to some games where there's no buzz. I think there's a buzz here tonight." So says Sonny Jurgensen. Then Sam Huff says that Sonny used to play for the Philadelphia Eagles, and Sonny answers, "I didn't like 'em then, and I don't like 'em now." Having the satellite radio NFL games, I can honestly say there is no better radio team than the stupid Redskins. I'm sure Dan Snyder will fuck that up eventually too.

8:39 pm: Hey, there was a Home Depot commercial, and that's a credit card payment I'm late on right now, followed by a Geico commercial, which is the car insurance company I've neglected to pay. Luckily with them they lie about their cut-off day and you actually have two more weeks before that shit lapses.

8:41 pm: Kick off bitches! Fuck all Philadelphia fuckers on Earth, forever.

8:43 pm: "You gotta be a dogfighter, if they put the wildcat in there, when you're a linebacker." - Sam Huff's drunken wisdom of the night #1. Sonny and Sam already seem to be annoyed by each other.

8:44 pm: Good thing we deferred on the kick-off to let our punishing defense set the tone for this game by letting DeSean Jackson gallop 67 yards into the end zone. "I call that a reverse wildcat." Shut up Sam. Let us see if our offense can answer the bell with maybe a first down via defensive holding penalty, if everything is clicking on all two cylinders.

8:48 pm: COOLEY! They said before the game that a Redskins cheerleader from a couple years ago died today, so I would expect a huge game from Captain Chaos Chris Cooley in her honor. He used to fuck all those chicks, before he ended up marrying one of them.

8:50 pm: Jason Campbell fumbles a snap, recovers, limps off the field. Redskins punt it to DeSean Jackson, who fumbles it, and recovers. Man, this game is terrible and I'm only listening to it.

8:57 pm: Well, we may be losing the game early, but London Fletcher just knocked Bryon Westbrook the fuck out. Little victories, bro, little victories.

9:00 pm: Dudes are praying for Westbrook's motionless body, and Doc Walker, sideline reporter extraordinaire, eases all the tension by saying, "He just caught a knee upside the temple... he just got knocked out, that's all. He got knocked out last time we played them too, up in Philadelphia."

9:03 pm: A shocking fair catch called by Antwan Randle El on a punt. He has really electrified both offense and special teams in his time here cashing million dollar paychecks signed by Daniel J. Snyder.

9:07 pm: Jason Campbell is receiving his first round of boos of the night, and we haven't even gotten out of the 1st quarter. They should design plays where receivers stop their route three yards early but nobody tell Campbell. Then he'd be perfect.

9:09 pm: I hope London Fletcher knocks DeSean Jackson out next.

9:10 pm: Time for another beer, a stupid Magic Hat beer with their "clever" caps that say things like this one: "Life in a Hurry always looks blurry." Hahaha, so true. I'm really glad they went through the extra trouble to print that on the beer cap for me to read. Now I can feel like an old lady about to settle down for a hard night of crocheting stocking hats for my grandchilluns.

9:12 pm: "I don't know what that wildcat is, you're gonna have to explain it to me," says Sam Huff. "They snap to the running back," says other guy. "But why do they call it the wildcat?" demands Sam. And this is the second time they've explained it to him already tonight. Sam Huff is usually in rare senile form on night games, especially the closer it gets to midnight. I bet that 7-7 tie against the Giants on a Monday night game years ago that went till like 2 in the morning had him saying some wacked out shit, about negroes and West Virginia and how bi-racial babies, though untrustable, will probably usher in a new era of free safeties.

9:17 pm: Jason Campbell throws his first TD pass of the night, to Will Witherspoon of the Eagles. 14 to nothing, with around a minute left in the first quarter. Good thing the Skins have scored upwards of 17 points like twice this year. Doc Walker, sideline reporter extraordinaire: "The good news is we get the ball back." "I don't know if that's a good thing." - Sam Huff's drunken wisdom of the night #2.

9:21 pm: First quarter over and I am looking at the remaining schedule after the bye week. First six weeks of the season and the Redskins did not play a team that even had a win yet, and we went 2-4. Rest of the season, we only have one team left with a below .500 record. That Raiders game is gonna be a good one.

9:23 pm: First play of the second quarter, and Campbell fumbles. And Chris Cooley is injured. "It's not unfolding the way we'd have liked this," says play-by-play guy. "Unfolding? Looks like they're folding up!" answers Sam Huff. If I wasn't hiding from creditors already, I'd get another credit card like it was still 2006 and blow it on hiring Sam Huff to be a motivational speaker at a cookout in my backyard.

9:27 pm: Michael Vick, my man, in the game. I have been teaching my two roosters to fight each other lately, in the spirit of animal fighting. Mike Vick's arrest crushed the local cockfighting ring, so now all the rednecks just have mud bogs all the time. A dude at the end of my road built a mud bog arena of some sort, he's cousins with the dude I buy firewood from sometimes. The firewood dude has that soothing goofy redneck way of talking where the last consonant of every word is dropped in favor of dragging the vowel sound out longer. It's like a Jerry Clower yell mixed with regular talking. When he drops off a load of wood, he just dumps it by my wellhouse, and there's always like 8 or 9 crushed Budweiser cans in the pile. He also put a hunk of venison in the freezer on my front porch one time without me asking for it. I didn't even know how it got there until I saw him at the store and he was like, "You get that deer meat maaaaaan?"

9:32 pm: The refs almost penalized the Redskins back to their 13 on a kick-off, but Rock Cartwright, not a coach nor another ref, complains to the referee on the field until they get the shit right because the penalty was on the Eagles. When you're best play of the game is your kick-off returner complaining to the ref, that's Redskins football.


9:40 pm: Holy fuck, Jason Campbell miraculously just threw a TD pass to his own team. The bingo caller old dude is dialed in now, ain't it?

9:45 pm: I quietly am amping myself up for the impossible dream, and then Randle El fumbles a punt like right there where the Eagles can waltz their way in most likely. I fucking hate me some Antwan Randle El.

9:49 pm: Field goal Eagles. When you haven't scored more than 17 all year long, it's not a good idea to give up 20 before the half. And also, apparently according to Doc Walker sideline reporter, Chris Cooley is done for at least the night and hopefully not more than that.

9:52 pm: As they are saying happy birthday to friends of the show, Sam Huff breaks it down with his drunken wisdom of the night #3: "I'm tired of having birthdays." Me too Sam, me too.

9:55 pm: Reed Doughty with the safety blitz sack on McNabb. That's the best fucking legally deaf whiteboy in the NFL right there bitches! We go into the two minute warning with flair!

9:58 pm: Yet, we come out of the 2 minute warning without flair, and DeSean Jackson catches another touchdown. "Where's your safety on that one?" asks the play-by-play dude. "Well, he was watching him run for a touchdown," matter-of-factly answers Sam. Oddly enough, at 27 to 7, it's not as ugly as I was expecting at the half. But I guess there's still almost two minutes left.

10:05 pm: Oh good, Jason Campbell called a timeout for no good reason, giving me a chance to open a third beer before something tragic happens in the closing seconds. "Mother Lager lives" says my beer cap. How the fuck do people do shit like that for a living and I'm broke, dodging telephone calls on multiple phones?

10:10 pm: Hey, a field goal. We've already scored 10 points, at the half. The bingo caller is making a difference. And sadly, I'm not even joking. It's halftime, so in honor of Nas, I'm gonna go shoot the noses off of pyramids in a strong display of my inherent jealous bitch devil nature.

10:25 pm: Oh thank goodness, there's still a second half of football to play. And apparently the FedEx Field P.A. system is pumping the crowd up with "Rock Like You a Hurricane". Rest in Peace Sean Taylor.

10:33 pm: Lolol, Brian Orakpo gets injured, Sam Huff says a first round draft pick is supposed to be tough, and they go to commercial, and the first spot is a deep, half-retarded voice saying, "Hi. This is Brian Orakpo. Let me tell you about a great deal from Domino's pizza blah blah blah..." all monotone as fuck.

10:39 pm: Oh good, they've put Santana Moss in to return the punt 29 yards but only 3 of them forward, instead of Randle El. Why spend a draft pick on a speedy WR or DB who could return kicks and perhaps break open a game, kind of like a FUCKIN' DESEAN JACKSON. Or something. Man, I hope Vinny Cerrato chokes on the next dick he sucks for Dan Snyder to jack off to while watching.

10:42 pm: Oh man, this is my last Odd Notion from the Magic Hat variety pack. Now I'm gonna have to drink one of those super gay Circus Boys since that's all that's left in there. If I hadn't have gotten so drunk on Friday night to be hungover all day Saturday to swear off drinking beer ever again forever I would've bought some beer today and could be drinking an ungay beer to sooth my misery. Or multiply it. Who knows, this game could turn retarded and I might pop a couple of the hydrocodones on reserve and get all Bushwick Bill on that ass before the sun comes up. WHY'D YOU SHOOT ME IN THE EYE? I WOULD'VE SHOT YOU IN THE BODY!

10:49 pm: My Circus Boy cap says "If left at the Altar, do not Falter". What the fuck, it's like retarded Johnny Cochrane is ghostwriting that shit.

10:53 pm: The McDonald's angus burger radio spot is the best, some Steve Harvey-approved grown black folks bullshit. OH NO SHE DIDN'T! Dan Snyder should hire Florida Evans to call plays.

10:59 pm: The 3rd quarter is done and the Eagles didn't score at all that quarter. Of course, neither did the Redskins. Still, holding steady at 27 to 10, that's not nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be. I guess there's still plenty of time though.

11:05 pm: Now DeAngelo Hall is lined up to return the punt, except the Eagles Aussie Rules Punter shanked it to the 35 of his own side of the field, denying Hall the chance to do something. And yeah, down by 17 in the 4th quarter, excellent move running Portis left behind your retarded leftover offensive linemen. Although I guess that's better than letting Campbell drop back to get guillotined by four Eagles per play about two seconds after the snap. You know, I looked up some shit at an NFL draft history website to do a post about offensive and defensive linemen the Redskins have drafted in the past 10 years, and you know two years back when they drafted some shitbag who can't play today in the late 3rd round of the draft, that was the second highest draft pick they'd spent on an O-linemen in all that time. The third highest spot was like a 5th rounder. Dude, I don't pretend to know everything about football, but that's fucking retarded. Fuck you Vinny Cerrato. Fuck you twice, with dick knives stabbing your eyeballs.

11:14 pm: Oh shit, our lone winnable game of the rest of the year is at Oakland, not at home. The same Raiders who crushed the Eagles last week. Also, Sam Huff says Rocky McIntosh has played a good game so they just go ahead and honor commercial agreements and name McIntosh defensive player of the game. "Way to go Rock. Keep it up, brah." Sam Huff is the fucking best. Then Albert Haynesworth gets a sack by slapping attempting a figure four leglock on McNabb.

11:17 pm: Also of note looking at the Redskins remaining schedule is they were tentatively set up for a 16th week of the season post-Christmas Sunday night game hosting Dallas. I can tell you right now that shit is gonna get flexed the fuck back up to 4 o'clock.

11:23 pm: Fred Davis has caught like six passes in replacement of Captain Chaos, and has yet to fumble.

11:26 pm: Hahaha, 4th and goal, going for it in the shotgun formation, bad snap, fall on the ball, turnover on downs. We should just start trying to get the ball down inside the five yard line and giving it to the other team and let our defense learn how to score. How much time is left?

11:30 pm: They actually just did their commercial-related play of the game, and it actually was Rock Cartwright making the refs reverse that penalty call. That's our play of the fucking game, for real. Fuck.

11:41 pm: Late cheap TD to Fred Davis. At the goal line, Sonny Jurgensen says it's a jumbo package, and Sam asks what that means. Sonny, obviously perturbed, says, "They bring it two tight ends and go big." After the TD, Sam asks why Fred Davis hasn't been playing. Sonny says that he's behind Cooley, so Sam says, "Well, why don't they play them both, and go jumbo?" If I have nothing else as a Redskins fan, at least I have Sam Huff.

11:47 pm: And Huff closes out the game, while McNabb is downing the ball and a scuffle breaks out, explaining how in his day there was always a fight in the last two minutes, and how he was usually in the middle of it. "I'd get a few good punches in and head to the locker room." That's what I'm talking about. Make Sam Huff the head coach. But why the fuck are they playing "Hail to the Redskins"?


Neil said...

Game diaries are not for the faint of heart. They are awesome but they are massive beasts who will consume your soul and skull fuck you just for fun. You are a brave man, Raven Mack.

Raven Mack said...

honestly without sam huff's calming influence I might've gone all texas christian house mom flip put on my family.

Andrew TSKS said...

Damn, Raven, you've got the right idea here. I sat and listened to that fucking asshole Jon Gruden yap on ESPN all night, and it just made an already horrible experience worse. I used to turn the sound down on the TV and listen to the radio broadcasts of the game, but now that everything's digital the TV's always 10 seconds behind the radio so it doesn't sync up anywhere near right anymore. But maybe I should just quit watching it on TV completely. I know shit's gonna suck, at least on the radio Sam Huff will be funny.

Dart Adams said...

Wow...does EVERYONE'S team suck? Y'all need to move. Shit!


Raven Mack said...

and live around a bunch of self-important assholes? Nah, I'm straight.

L.B. said...

I think it's that whole "don't immediately stop paying attention the first time their record dips below 13-3" personality disorder we all have.

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