Embracing Hope And Slaying The Giant(s)

Get it? Because Goliath was a Giant? Eh, fuck it . . .

Beating the Rams 44-6 changes a lot of perceptions. I don't wanna say that I think that the Lions are world beaters now who are going to go back in time and slay Hitler after they storm their way to a shocking triumph in the Super Bowl. That would, of course, be ridiculous. The part about the Super Bowl, anyway. I mean, Willie Young is a Detroit Lion, so let's not rule out the part about them curbstomping Hitler. But, yeah, expectations are a funny business, and they are often completely unmanageable, tethered to the last thing you just saw. Your team just lost? Oh God, these guys are all horrible assholes! Kill them with fire! Your team just won 44-6? Alphonso Smith is going to the Hall of Fame and we should strip Matthew Stafford naked and drive him out of town with whips and chains because Shaun Hill will be our quarterback forever!

It's ridiculous, obviously, but that's just the way it is. In the eyes of most fans and media members and bloggers and family pets and whatever the hell it is that I am, you are the last thing that you did. It is like this for all teams. When you add in the fact that we are talking about the Lions, this whole thing gets even crazier. We have no idea how to properly process a win like that. We have no idea how to manage our expectations. There is a part of me, a part that I want to embrace because it feels so damn good, that wants to believe that the Lions will march into New York - well, New Jersey anyway - and slaughter all the natives. It wants to believe that we will get to see Ndamukong Suh beat the living hell out of the cast of Jersey Shore. It wants to believe that Eli Manning will be beaten to death just like his doppelganger Forrest Gump should have been when he got mouthy at that Black Panther meeting.

It wants to believe and so it does. It sees the Lions shocking everyone again, and it sees the idiots over at ESPN falling all over themselves to be the first one to say that the Lions look like a different team, a team that is finally coming together. It gets excited and irrational and stupid when it sees polls on ESPN's web site that reveal that people think that the Lions have a brighter future than the Cowboys or the Vikings. It believes in Hope because Hope just made sweet love to us all and then even hung around to make breakfast for us.

But then there's that other part of me, that part of me that has just had its ass kicked for years and years and years, and that part of me feels like one of the resistance fighters from Terminator, all hard-assed and raw. It has seen things, you know? It has known such horrors that the idea of hope or a life without pain and darkness just seems an absurd fantasy. It looks at the records, at 3-34, and 0-23 on the road and . . . pain, terrible pain.

It thinks about going on the road, against a Giants team that leads the NFL in sacks and it sees Shaun Hill dying a terrible death, it sees Jeff Backus laying on his back like an overturned turtle, kicking his useless little arms and legs in the air in a futile attempt to right himself, and it sees everybody laughing and shaking their heads and saying "Same old Lions."

There is a constant battle going on between those two parts, between that piece of me that just wants to believe so badly and that piece of me that refuses to let me because it's been hurt so many times before. I keep wavering between them. One moment, I'm smiling dreamily while that happy rainbows and sunshine part of me sings to me and I believe that Hope is on my side and the world is mine. The next, I'm grimacing and feeling vaguely ill while I watch a Terminator hunt down Jahvid Best. It's terrible and schizophrenic.

But I knew this would happen this season. I said it would and, well, here we are. But really, it's a sign of progress that it's happening. For so long, we've just been stuck in Terminator land, afraid of everything, certain that around every corner we would find only grim death. But we've rounded a few corners now and been met by angels with baskets full of candy and blowjobs and now before we round a corner, we get all nervous and wonder whether there's gonna be another angel there waiting for us or a giant robot with a gun and evil intentions.

This is how you get back to normal. You let yourself hope but you don't forget what's happened in the past either. You accept that anything can lie around that corner and that you just don't know what's gonna happen. You try not to get too excited when that angel with that magical basket shows up but you try not to completely piss your pants with fear when Arnold Schwarzenegger pops up instead. You just try to take it all as it comes and try not to get drowned in emotion.

Of course, that never really happens. One side or the other always manages to win and since the last thing we saw was a whole team of angels carrying baskets full of candy and blowjobs, well . . . you'll forgive is if we've convinced ourselves that we might be in heaven. Sure, it's a ridiculous delusion, one that will come blasting apart when a horde of psychotic robots starts shooting at us again, but for now, I want to believe in hope and so I will.

So, the big question is, will I continue to fall into the sweet embrace of angels this week or will I get beaten to death by a killer robot? Well, like I said, the Giants lead the NFL in sacks and one of this season's most indelible images so far has been that of Jay Cutler getting beaten to death by the Giants pass rush. That screams killer robots to me, especially since the only thing we have stopping them is Jeff Backus and Gosder Cherilus, neither of whom is going to be mistaken for John Conner anytime soon.

Add in the fact that the Lions offense has struggled to run the ball effectively so far this season, and the Giants might just say fuck it and send the house after Shaun Hill, which, uh . . . well, did you see the Passion of the Cutler?

But all hope is not lost. Everyone wants to talk about that obliteration, but the truth is, is that the Bears offensive line is beyond shitty, as my man L.B. is fond of pointing out in his excellent posts. They are probably an outlier, the exception rather than the rule. Yes, the Giants have 19 sacks this season, but half of them came in one game. That means their pass rush has been fairly effective but not devastating in the other games. I think the Lions - who, incidentally have done a surprisingly good job protecting the quarterback this season, aside from the Matthew Stafford murder play against the Bears anyway - should be able to hold the Giants defensive line to their season average against everyone else other than the Bears. This means that the Lions could give up 2 or 3 sacks - which is probably inevitable - but it shouldn't be the difference in the game.

The Lions can move the ball against the Giants. The Colts firebombed them and Tennessee was able to run all over them, and while the Lions aren't the Colts - obviously - and Jahvid Best isn't Chris Johnson - not yet anyway - the Lions do lead the NFC in scoring offense and Best has shown the ability to break off a big play at any time. The Giants are going to have to account for Best whenever he's on the field (Don't be fooled by the stats. If the Giants ignore Best and the run he will murder them.) and that should open up the offense for Shaun Hill.

And then it becomes a matter of execution. Naturally, I would feel better if it was Matthew Stafford running the show, but Hill has gotten better and better as the season has gone on. It's obvious that he's become more comfortable both with his command of the playbook and with his receivers. Of course, the big elephant in the room is whether or not Calvin Johnson can play. He's been practicing (Hey, that's good!) but he hasn't been able to life his right arm over his head (Oh God, that's bad.) It seems like he'll play but who knows how effective he can be? If nothing else, it will probably help just to have him on the field, as his presence, like Best's, is capable of opening the whole field up for the offense.

If Calvin is reasonably healthy, then obviously the Lions chances of winning this game go up dramatically, especially because of his value in the red zone, where, despite the Lions offensive success, Shaun Hill has struggled a bit. If he's not healthy enough to do much other than put in an appearance, well, the Lions might be stuck settling for field goals all day which probably isn't going to get it done.

The Giants haven't exactly been killing it offensively themselves this season, but let's not get stupid and pretend like the Lions defense is likely to actually be, you know, good or anything. Yes, yes, they haven't given up an offensive touchdown in six quarters and hey, swagger ya'll! but Ashlee Palmer - ASHLEE FUCKING PALMER - is probably going to start at middle linebacker and the Lions are still in the bottom quarter of the league against the pass, and . . . well, it sure would be nice if somebody - anybody - could keep contain on outside runs.

I think that Eli Manning will be able to find some success throwing against the Lions motley crew (Note: I kinda wanted to throw in a joke about Motley Crue and Tommy Lee here but I couldn't quite pull anything off that either wasn't wildly offensive or just kinda dumb. A few of my ideas were both wildly offensive and dumb, which, okay fine, is basically my modus operandi but sometimes I just want something better, you know? Yeah, I'm rambling, but shit, I have had writer's block ever since I started this post. It has been hard as hell to write. You dudes and lady dudes would not even believe it. I am feeling TREMENDOUSLY uncreative. My writing feels lazy and just . . . just not as sharp. Sorry if it is a piece of shit. Uh, where the hell was I? Oh yeah, Eli Manning.) But, I think that the Lions secondary should be able to come up with a big play or two of their own which should help minimize the effectiveness of the Giants passing game.

Meanwhile, Ahmad Bradshaw and Brandon Jacobs won't be able to run against the interior of the Lions defensive line (All praise be to Suh . . .) but they will probably drive us nuts when they bounce to the outside. That's because the Lions haven't been able to stop anyone from doing this all season. It's been frustrating as hell to see the defensive line stop the run only to see the linebackers die in a dumpster fire every time a running back cuts to the outside. So what we're likely to see are a lot of run sequences that look like this: 1 yard, 2 yards, 0 yards, -1 yard, 28 yards, 3 yards, 1 yard, 17 yards. You get the point.

Add it all up and what do you have? I think we'll see a close game that gets decided by the little things - who converts their red zone chances, who comes up with a key turnover, etc. - and I guess that by itself feels like progress. It feels like the Lions can win any game they play now. It feels like they can compete with anyone and it's been a long, long time since we could say that. But it isn't enough, is it? We don't want to see moral victories and we don't want to see the Lions hang tough against the Giants only to lose in the end. No. We want them to win, we want that shitty road streak to go straight to hell (at least technically. In our hearts, we know that foul thing was beaten in Week 1 when we beat the Bears.) and we want to believe in Hope. And so I will.

A quick note that I almost forgot: Sunday is also my birthday, and since there are some people who want to do nice things for me on my birthday, watching the game live might be kind of dicey and writing about it might be a bit delayed. I will find a way to watch the game still and I'll have something for you on Monday. That is not all that different from what I anticipated coming into the season but I have gotten into the habit of writing something on Sunday, and, well, I just wanted you to know so you don't get all worked up and call me an asshole or assume that I hung myself or anything like that when I don't post anything on Sunday. Although, to be fair, I can be an asshole. But if I ever did hang myself, I would make sure my ghost would tell you about it. That is my promise to you.

FIVE NO DOUBT TERRIBLE PREDICTIONS

1. Hill will complete 22 of 36 passes for 235 yards. He'll throw 1 touchdown and 1 interception. He'll be effective enough that the crazy gibberish people have been throwing around about his starting even after Stafford comes back will continue. In a way, this is a good thing because it means that Hill has been good. On the other hand, that is fucking retarded. Stafford is the franchise. This isn't an Alex Smith situation.

2. Best will run for 110 yards on 22 carries and 2 touchdowns when the Giants overplay the pass.

3. Calvin Johnson will play but he'll be largely ineffective due to his injury. He'll be double teamed into oblivion which should still open the field up for the Lions other receivers. He'll catch 2 passes for 36 yards.

4. Eli Manning will complete 28 of 40 passes for 310 yards, 2 touchdowns and 2 interceptions. These interceptions will be critical and will prove to be difference makers.

5. Ahmad Bradshaw will have one big run, but for the most part he'll be shut down. He'll end up with 75 yards on 16 carries with 1 touchdown and after the game he'll be turned into a goat by The Great Willie Young's old friend, Wu Pei.

PREDICTED FINAL SCORE: LIONS 24, GIANTS 21. YEAH I'M GOING THERE.