Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Here is the Redskins schedule broken down, dudes…
WEEK 1: at the Saints, in the "Roger Goodell Bitch Bowl" where teams Herr Goodell don't like play together. Redskins lose.
WEEK 2: at the Rams, in a battle of schlubs, where the Rams 19 new players will out-contribute the one dude they were essentially traded for - RGIII. Redskins lose.
WEEK 3: home opener, against the Bengals. RGIII mania alone overpowers the Bengals. Redskins win.
WEEK 4: at the Buccaneers, but their former coach is our DB coach now, so we will cheat to win bros. Redskins win, 2-2 after the 1st quarter of the season, which traditionally is the only quarter we do well in.
WEEK 5: hosting the Falcons, who have been a smoke and mirror team where the smoke has dissipated. Redskins win.
WEEK 6: hosting the Vikings, who traditionally embarrass the Redskins for whatever reason, especially in DC (meaning Maryland). Redskins lose.
WEEK 7: at the Giants. We don't play a fucking divisional game until week 7? That's crazy. We tend to beat the Giants for whatever reason, but not in NYC (meaning New Jersey). Redskins lose.
WEEK 8: at the Steelers. Whatever man. James Harrison will have RGIII braiding Steelers linebackers hair and tossing salads by the end of the game. Redskins lose, 3-5 at the halfway mark.
WEEK 9: hosting the Panthers, in a battle of last year's rookie sensation QB and this year's (hopefully). Fuck Cam Newton, he is not even half the solid dude RGIII is. Redskins win.
WEEK 10: week off. Redskins don't lose, guaranteed.
WEEK 11: hosting the Eagles, and the Eagles have made embarrassment of the Skins lately in DC. But this is late in the season so the black Mike Vick will already be crippled by then, so Redskins win.
WEEK 12: at the Cowboys, on Thanksgiving. Really, what is more American than a gluttonous meal, sitting our our fat asses watching pro football, featuring a team of Cowboys and racist Native stereotypes, before our fat wives dash off at 9 pm to spend whatever we've recovered of our credit limit from last holiday season at Wal-Mart's Black Friday but on Thursday night sales? Redskins lose.
WEEK 13: hosting the Giants. Beating the Giants at home is the one thing the Skins can do. Redskins win, 7-5 at the 3/4 mark, which makes the logic in me go "whatever dude." Obviously I am being too hopeful. Way too hopeful. We don't even have an offensive line.
WEEK 14: hosting the Ravens, and having just forced myself to be logical, I now realize RGIII is probably on IR by now, perhaps from having torn all his ligaments and will be out for 3 years. Redskins lose.
WEEK 15: at the Browns. Even a crushed in spirit & cursed by Snyder luck Redskins team is better than the Browns. Redskins win.
WEEK 16: at the Eagles. Will the Eagles still be playing for the playoffs? Because if they are, we will win. If they are not, we will lose. That's how it works in these NFC East games. I will assume the Eagles are out of it though, so Redskins lose.
WEEK 17: hosting the Cowboys to close the season and perhaps play for a winning record. Won't happen. Redskins lose, finish 8-8, which seems about 3 games ridiculous to me. But whatever, I just deduced it metaphysically so it must be true.

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