Friday, October 14, 2011

Dolphins Watch: In depth preview of Jets Monday Night Football game

First of all, check out Peter’s take on the upcoming Jets-Dolphins match-up here: He’s a Jets fan, and it’s still worth reading. Be sure to come back here afterward. I’ll wait.

Okay, welcome back. We’ll start with Brandon Marshall. He claimed during a press conference today that was planning on getting thrown out during the second quarter of the Jets game. He followed up with:

"I'm not joking. I'm serious," Marshall told the South Florida Sun Sentinel. "They're going to fine me. It's probably going to be like a $50,000 fine. But that quarter and a half that I'm out there, I'm going to play like a monster.

"I might get in a fight with Bart Scott. (Antonio) Cromartie, we pretty much matured our relationship and grew a little bit. We used to fight in Denver and San Diego. If that happens, it happens, so we'll see."

I have a number of thoughts about those comments. That number is five:

1. Brandon Marshall was diagnosed earlier this year with borderline personality disorder, and very publicly spoke out about it before the season. There was an incident where he apparently stabbed his wife because of this personality disorder. He is a nutbar.

2. I hope he does get thrown out of the game because he’s had five drops so far this. If he had caught those passes, the Dolphins would be 2-2 right now.

3. No one would notice if he was thrown out of the game anyway.

4. I want to defecate in Brandon Marshall’s face.

5. The problem with me printing his comments for you like this is that you don’t get hear them. The part for me that was even worse than the garbage spewing forth from Marshall’s mouth was the journalists in the room nervously laughing at what he was saying like he was the funniest human being alive. This is the type of thing that fuels Shaq, by the way. He’s lived his life in this bubble where all his life people have been laughing at his crummy jokes and convincing him he’s really funny. I guess it doesn’t hurt that he’s seven foot tall and like 500 pounds. But I digress.

Now! Let’s get down to the business of analyzing this football game! I hate this game. If we win this game, we get to say we’ve beaten our hated rivals on the big stage of Monday Night Football. The downside is that we can’t really afford to win right now, because there are too many lousy teams in the NFL, and you *know* the Colts are going to keep losing, so we have to keep up with them in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. But, if we lose, we have to deal with annoying Jets fans telling us how much we suck, even though beating the Dolphins isn’t exactly anything to whistle Dixie about.

As for the Jets, offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer has been the recipient of many a harsh word from New York fans for his play calling. Justifiably so, in my estimation, since I believe the Jets run the same eight plays over and over, making it easy for defenses to key in on them and stop them from scoring. The Jets appear to be a team that plays its best when they run the ball 35-40 times per game and sprinkle in the pass in between. They certainly have some good rushers to do just that. However, lately they seem to be relying too heavily on the pass, and again, that’s the kind of thing a defense can take note on and easily thwart.

Luckily for the Jets, they’re not playing a smart team. They’re playing the Dolphins. Karlos Dansby had a great quote earlier this week where he was talking about how much the team misses Channing Crowder (who was replaced before the season by Kevin Burnett), because Crowder had the ability to read what the offense was doing and help the rest of the defense identify it and stop it. All that tells me is that the rest of the team isn’t very smart and doesn’t do their homework properly. These are abilities Karlos Dansby should have. Apparently he does not, and the reason for that is because he is a poopy diarrhea dump of a football player.

Now, if the Jets offense is predictable, the Dolphins offense is even more predictable. They’re going to try to pound you to death, three yards at a time. They’re going to try to run Reggie Bush between the tackles, even though he’s never been successful at that in the whole of his lifetime. They’re going to chuck up a pass to Brandon Marshall that he will not catch because he is not able to catch football passes. It gets even better when you consider that Chad Henne is injured, and so we’re going with Matt Moore at QB.

So yeah, this is a must lose situation for the Dolphins. The Rams are winless. The Colts are winless. The Broncos are too close. The Seahawks are too close. We need to keep losing and keep closing throughout the rest of the season. Unfortunately, the Jets have lost three in a row, and the Dolphins are really good at beating the Jets in New York. So, like I said before, either way, whatever the result of this game is, there is a 50-50 chance I’m going to hang myself on Monday night and this will be the last post you ever see of me on here.

In the end, I think the Jets have enough talent to pull out the victory, which will bring back the blustery, overly confident Jet fan in full force. “We’re back, playoffs here we come, somebody help us beat the Patriots, blah blah blah.” (Man, there are a lot of Jets fans in Miami. And they all call in to the talk radio shows, too.)

Ultimately, Dan Carpenter will get a couple field goals Tony Sparano can jack off to, and the Jets will outscore them just by sheer will and slightly less incompetence. I will be busy IV’ing alcohol into my veins and shooting heroin into my eyeballs to cope.

Final score: Jets 17, Dolphins 13

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