More of the same with me (Raven) being the best prognosticator amongst us, far overlooked for contributions to the NFL internettosphere, Neil - though picking well - took a step back due to the stupid Saints, while Mavpa clawed his way barely ahead and Steph took a beating against the spread, which she may or may not get yet, though her threatening emails to me about how stupid the whole thing is and why it doesn't make sense and how men are fucking retards have stopped, so she has either gotten it, gave up, or assumed I'm part of the problem. But here is how everybody did more specifically this past week...
RAVEN - 3-2 on picks (7-3 on the year), won $400, and feel like since my job sucks perhaps taking $800 to Atlantic City might be the smartest move I make all month.
MAVPA - 2-1-1 on picks (3-5-1 on the year), won $100 on the week, and was a simple Giants point away from going 3-1 and almost doubling his money.
NEIL - 3-2 on picks (4-5-1 on the year), but lost $500, because he dropped a grand of fake money on the Saints in a bold move that failed him this week, yet rewarded him last week with his Lions. That is the nature of stupid gambling I guess.
STEPH - 1-4 on picks (4-6 on the year), lost $1000 in fake ACLB money.
So our money going into this week is:
RAVEN - $3200
NEIL - $1600
STEPH - $600
MAVPA - $500
With $100 minimum gambles on five games, including the one featuring your favorite team. Here is this week's packages of picks...
Hmmmm, so I didn't do quite so well this week. I think this is my punishment for basing some of my picks on the previous week's scores, which I actually did go back and check. It makes sense to me that if a team lost (and lost badly, Tampa Bay motherfuckers!) they would lose again. Not so much, apparently. My TECHNICAL score thus far: 4-6. My ACTUAL score: 6-4, because I still don't understand this point spread stuff. So all that being said, I shall revert back to just randomly making picks right out of my ass. I am betting $100 on each game, and reserving that last $100 for me to bet next week, just in case I completely bomb out this week.
Lions (-3) over Falcons in Detroit - $100
If I could live in either place, it would be Atlanta, mainly because I'm a Southern girl who likes her sweet tea, and I'm pretty sure that there's no sweet tea in Michigan. Plus, I don't think my charming accent would be appreciated up there. One point for Atlanta being down South, and, Michael Vick doesn't live there anymore, so another point to Atlanta. But, I don't like birds because they have lice and stuff, so minus one point to Atlanta and minus another for me not liking their colors. Back to zero, so my option here is to go with the Motor City. I don't really like their colors, but Lions eat Falcons, right? That makes sense to me.
Dolphins (even) over Broncos in Miami - $100
This a complete girl pick, because I don't know anything about either team. I'm going with the Dolphins because 1) their colors a cuter than the Bronco's ugly ass navy and orange, and 2) because I think dolphins in general are girlier than a bucking bronco. Unless it's some hot Chippendale dancer doing an impersonation. Really, all this reminds me of is the time about ten years ago that I kept forgetting to return the "Any Given Sunday" movie rental and my ex-husband ended up paying a $75.00 late fee. That did not go over well, needless to say. Go, Dolphins! for reminding me that the Miami Sharks cost my ex-husband what must have been a couple months worth of porn allotment.
Titans (-3) over Texans in Tennessee - $100
I like this game because it's like Houston - Houston. Old versus new. I still don't like the Titans, but it's all good because I am still pretending they're the Oilers, and name-wise, Oilers is still a little more rough-necky than Texans. As we all know, I don't like expansion teams, but what I really don't like are throwback uniforms. If they were so goddamn great, why even get rid of them? I don't like throwback anything. Drinks, uniforms, nothing. In fact, I've just decided if I find out a girlfriend of mine sleeps with an old boyfriend, I'm going to call that her "throwback fuck". See, sounds stupid, right? Really, we're just using the term throwback because it sounds whiter than old-school. I think that Tennesse should wear their Oilers uniforms so it really will be a Houston-Houston match up. Let's just take the throwback uniform to a whole new level, is what I have to say.
Bears (even) over Buccaneers at Tampa Bay - $100
winning teams from last week, and I'm still mad at Tampa Bay for fucking winning. Are you kidding me, Tampa Bay? You freaking lost by 30-some points (or maybe 40-some points, I don't know) and then you fucking win last week? Are you kidding me!?!? This is nothing but a spite pick for me. I hope a big old Chicago Bear shits on your little stupid pirate flag, Tampa.
Packers (-8) over Vikings at Minnesota - $100
I knew I would be picking the Packers at some point in this whole affair, and it's an easy pick because a) they won the Super Bowl last year - which I actually did watch, by the way, and b) I think (?) they are undefeated thus far this year. I think, but not sure. Oh, yeah, and the Packers are my boyfriend's team, so I knew right off the bat if I picked someone to win over the Packers and they didn't I would NEVER hear the end of it. Just like I keep talking shit to him about how I keep whooping his ass in Words With Friends, but I won't mention that because he's getting progressively angry about that whole thing, and I have to remember that Christmas is on the approach and I asked for a really nice pair of Dansko clogs (black-patent-leather-love-you-kiss-kiss). The Packers are undefeated, and the Vikings, who I bet perfectly good pretend money on last week, pussed out and lost. Guess who isn't betting on the Vikings this week? That would be me and Chuck Norris. I want to make some kind of threat here about what my boyfriend will not be getting if the Packers lose, but I'm not going to punish myself. In fact, if the Packers win, maybe I'll pick them again next week. Anyway, Go! Pack! Go!
Steelers (-3.5) over Cardinals at Arizona - $1000
What the fuck? I feel like I’m missing something here. Yeah, yeah, I know the Steelers haven’t exactly been great shakes this season but fuck, man, I think they can beat the Cardinals by a measly 4 points. I don’t even know what else to say here because this just feels so obvious, which in turn is making me feel like I must be missing something which I guess is what ends up happening to all degenerate gamblers. You end up suspicious and terrified that you’re going to have to blow a giant dude named Leroy in the parking lot behind a strip club in order to make good on your bets. I don’t need to be blowing any dudes in any parking lots but I’m pretty sure that the Steelers will keep that from happening. I have faith in you, James Harrison. Lamar, I don’t want to end up with a dick in my mouth so make sure you sack Kevin Kolb a bunch of times. For me, man. For me.
Packers (-8) over Vikings at Minnesota - $300
Another “What the fuck?” line. I’m pretty sure the Packers could beat the Vikings by 50 if they wanted to. Actually, these first two games are making me even more pissed off at the fucking Saints for blowing that game against the Bucs last week and costing me $1,000 of fake money because that’s fake money I could be using to spread between these two games and therefore end up fake rich and buying a fake island to which I could invite all my enemies, luring them in with tropical beauty and then hunting them naked while riding a giant grizzly bear. Look, it’s my fake island and that’s just how we settle disputes there. But thanks to the Saints fucking up last week I have to settle for buying some cheap ass budget island which I have to share with a bunch of assholes who all pooled their money in and only show up on weekends to listen to Jimmy Buffett, fish and fuck each other under the moon before returning home to their wives on Sunday night. Man, didn’t the Saints know that Christian Ponder was starting this week for the Vikings? Against the fucking Packers? I needed that $1,000 in fake money, man. Fuck you, Drew Brees.
Chiefs (+4) over Raiders at Oakland - $100
I don’t really like making this pick since I am happy the Oakland Raiders appear to be a relevant team once again. After all, they are the team of Kenny Stabler and young Al Davis (who thanks to the sweet mercy of death is now forever young, eternally the warrior spirit who created the modern day NFL and who took no shit from anyone) and I like seeing them do well. But, man, Carson Palmer probably hasn’t thrown a football outside of a backyard BBQ in something like ten months and even when he was regularly throwing footballs around, he was fuckin’ up. Then again, the Chiefs are the Chiefs so what’s a dude to do here? This is more a pick against Carson Palmer than anything else. I predict he’ll do something dumb and the Chiefs will somehow at least keep this one close before Sebastian Janikowski drunkenly kicks a 70 yard field goal as time runs out to give the Raiders a three point victory. But since the line is +4 and not +2.5, I have no choice but to pick the Chiefs. It’s the merest of science.
Browns (-2.5) over Seahawks in Cleveland - $100
Eh, why not? I don’t really like any of these damn games outside of the first two that I picked but if I lose this fake money, I will just rob a stagecoach or something. Or maybe I’ll become a gigolo. Fuck it, maybe I’ll just do that anyway. But I’d probably just get all fucked up and wake up one morning and realize that I accidentally became a Juggalo instead of a Gigolo and nobody needs that. No, I don’t know what I’m talking about either. But fuck it, it’s better than talking about the Browns vs. the Seahawks, isn’t it?
Lions (-3) over Falcons in Detroit - $100
Sure, the Lions are down to a running back depth chart that looks like this - 1. Maurice Morris 2. Roary 3. The Great Willie Young’s old friend Wu Pei 4. Me. And sure, Michael Turner might run for 168,000 yards but fuck you, I’m not picking against my Lions. Not this week. For that is a road fraught with darkness and I am a warrior of light in these strange and troubled times. Besides, I am counting on my boys being fired up and they wouldn’t let me down. We have an understanding ever since I psychically mind-melded with them last December in a last desperate gasp to infuse them with my life-force. That’s right, I psychically engineered the Lions turnaround. They will deny it but that is because they are gentlemen and don’t want me to be hunted by rogue scientists who would otherwise want to steal my big beautiful brain. Wait, I have said too much...
I contemplated sitting on some of my winnings, to save to loan fake money to Steph or Mavpa once they blow what they have left, thinking my fake money could lead to fake sexual favors or fake AR-15s, which would make me King of Neil's fake econo-island, because I'd abduct the tourists and ransom them back to their families for real money, and there'd be no way to stop me because no law enforcement agency has jurisdiction over fake islands. And really, the ultimate goal of fake money is to somehow launder it into real money, isn't it? I mean, any of those get rich quick scams suckers buy into, that's the end goal, although usually you suckers buying those scams is actually the end goal. And basically I just started this entire gambler's roundtable thing because I am trying to prove to a southside Virginia-based affiliate of the old Dixie Mafia, which also ties into the Gypsy Jokers MC, who my uncle used to ride with back in the day before he found Jesus at the bottom of an empty hypodermic needle full of hepatitis, that I am pretty good at this predicting against the spread bullshit, and earn an actual weekly retainer for my services. We're not talking much - a misconception about organized crime is that it's fabulously enriching. Usually it's pretty much like any small business, about one bad deal from failure. America really doesn't do enough to encourage the growth of small businesses, either legal ones or black market economy. It's a shame. But I digress...
Buccaneers (even) over Bears in Tampa Bay - $300
I can understand the whole 99%/1% thing of OWS, because while Steph is hoarding away $100 for next week in case she blows it, I'm sitting pretty and throwing $300 away at a game I don't even feel good about at all. It's nice to be fake successful and act that way, because in real life, I'm a 17th generation piece of shit, which are pretty long genetic and environmental odds to overcome. Thus, I am part of the 99%, and probably always will be. But I am thankful that I am at least better than my dad, and don't do as many stupid things as previous generations, though to be fair, I'm still pretty fucking stupid a lot of the time. Much like the Buccaneers actually, because no matter the uniform change or the one token Super Bowl victory, they are still the Buccaneers, and lack stability. Josh Freeman was supposed to be developing into a budding superstar this year, but has been inconsistent. And honestly, even as a pick 'em game, I am afraid of this pick. Not because the Bears are good, but because neither team is really stable in what they are. But I am figuring the Bucs defense eats up Cutler enough to give the Bucs the lead on pick-6s or at least keep it close enough for Freeman to not fuck up in the end and at least win this fucking game.
Rams (+13) over Cowboys at Dallas - $300
I do not expect anything at all from the Rams, and am simply basing this pick on the fact the Cowboys have played like 11 games in a row decided by 3 points or less, which means they very consistently play up or down to the quality of their opponent. Felix Jones is out, and Tony Romo is Tony Romo, and they consistently play up or down to the quality of their opponent, which means them beating anybody - even the shitty fucking Rams - by two touchdowns seems iffy to slim.
Panthers (-1) over Redskins in Carolina - $100
Sigh. I feel terrible picking against the Redskins yet again, but damn man, there's not much sign of offensive life on this team. You take an already weak offense without the proper skill player ensemble and then bust up two of its starting O-linemen, and what you have is a pretty ugly offense that will stumble for a few points, but never really hit a stride, ever again, unless they are lucky. The defense is good, but like last week against Philly, you can already see they are like, "Man, what the fuck? Doesn't matter what we do, the offense is gonna fuck it up anyways." I mean, they're not outright saying that, but you can tell. This is the most defeated 3-2 team in the history of my recent memory.
Packers (-8) over Vikings at Minnesota - $1000
Much like Neil, I don't even understand how this line exists in this manner. I mean, I get the fact the Vikings have Adrian Peterson, who keeps them relevant almost single-handedly. But Christian Ponder, even if he is better than McNabb (haha... McNabb), is still Christian Ponder. Going against the Packers. Fucking Charles Woodson might end up beating the Vikings by 8 points this weekend. Seriously.
Broncos (even) over Dolphins at Miami - $1500
Tim Tebow Tim Tebow Tim Tebow. I am not a fan of Tim Tebow, from a Tebow perspective, but would like to see him do well in life, if for no other reason than he is a homeschooled kid, as our my own children, and fuck you status quo trusting the govt motherfuckers who think kids should go to organized schools, or have immunizations, or be socialized amongst other humans and not feralized with pigs and goats to be unleashed upon the public as a bane to the status quo's comfort level. Children are the future, and the more you can make your kids crazy and difficult, the more you do to disrupt the system. Of course, the legal system has become more complicated, so you have to have a proper combination of feral activities along with critical thinking development and an understanding of the legal principles used against true freedom fighters like my wife and myself. But we will prevail.
Tebow is a much different type of homeschooler kid though, because we don't believe in your stupid white gods. Tebow is a Jesus fanatic, through and through. But you know what else he is? Just about the best goddamned white "black quarterback" we've ever seen. Seriously. He is white Randall Cunningham. And this is his first start, at a Miami game where they will be honoring his collegiate achievements, with the racist pride of Colorado psychically backing him (which will also be beamed through the EMF rays, because Colorado is home to a lot of that spooky HAARP/NORAD shit, due to Lockheed Martin's ownership of the state, as well as the Air Force's notable presence). There is no fucking way this is not a glorious moment for white people and for Christ-followers. No fucking way. Though this game seemingly means little outside of the Suck for Luck sweepstakes, this will be a very engineered psychic victory for white people who love their white gods of the Christ mythos, who want to feel that though the mandingo stereotypes of the athletic black man with the giant penis who maims Kim Kardashian from ever truly enjoying the company of a pale skin man again can still be overcome by the properly cultivated white genetics line, kept from being polluted by the public at large. And though I disagree with all of that, I am a man who sees the writing on the wall, and is certainly not above making a fake profit off this knowledge. In fact, I was tempted to drop all my other picks to $100 per and put the rest on this game, but I will balance it out across the board, in the case that Tony Dungy and the Black Power branch of the NFL Illuminati make a last second power play behind the scenes and force the NFL to not allow the Air Force to cut on the pro-Tebow HAARP beams on Sunday.
Bears (even) over Buccaneers at Tampa Bay - $100
Classic let down game for the Bucs. The Bears really have made a living off of these kind of games in the Lovie Smith era. I imagine it would be pretty hard to get up for a game when the other team's best player, by far, is their punt returner. I keep hoping the Bears bust back out that awesome fake return with Hester and Johnny Knox again... That actually worked so well that they should have 6 or 7 guys back there pretending to catch punts. Here's also something almost totally unrelated to the game... Buddy Ryan, in Houston, had a play in his playbook called the Polish Defense, where they intentionally had 13 guys on the field. It was specifically to be ran close to the goal line with under 30 seconds left, which the idea being 13 guys could stop 11, they'd get nothing out of the half the distance penalty, and precious time would have been wasted. This is why America doesn't have crazy militant dictators... they coach football.
Steelers (-3.5) over Cardinals at Arizona - $100
I wish there were actual Cardinals fans so I could find out how they felt about the Kevin Kolb trade. Obviously, in comparison to the Raider's trade for Palmer, they did okay, and they did get Fitzgerald to sign an extension too. Still, they clearly learned nothing from the AJ Feeley trade the Eagles pulled on Miami and so they deserve to suffer. Why is the line so low on this anyway? The Cardinals have been terrible...
Raiders (-4) over Chiefs in Oakland - $100
It's too bad Al Davis wasn't still alive to see who he'd have gotten at quarterback. I actually used to travel a lot around the west coast for work, and every time I did I would keep this Raiders jersey in my carry on bag... just in case one day I saw Al Davis at the airport bar or something. Anyone on the face of this Earth was 20 minutes away from being coach of that team if you caught him in the right mood. Randall Cunningham could have had a legitimate shot at taking over even. Instead they made the Bengals look smart, which is never something you want to do. Thankfully, Palmer doesn't know enough of the offense to do much but hand it off, assuming his crippled elbow can still do that right.
Packers (-8) over Vikings at Minnesota - $100
This is one of those games that makes me wish teams would always try to bury their opponent and teach them a lesson like when the Bears beat the Redskins like 77-0 back in like 1912 because of some comments made at the end of their game the previous season. If I were the Packers I would always try to crush the Vikings and let it be known it was because they signed Favre. As much as I think that Minnesota's offense would be better with no quarterback and just a bunch of direct snap plays to Adrian Peterson, having Ponder in is going to limit what they can do... and he's probably gonna get his head bounced off the turf at some point and come out. Oh yeah, I think Jared Allen is on pace to break the sack record too, which is good because Strahan's record is a lie. That is the only way the Vikings can cleanse themselves of Favre's stench... the sack record must fall.
Ravens (-7.5) over Jaguars at Jacksonville - $100
This is the third team I've picked laying points on the road... which is something I think I've heard people who gamble for a lot of money say is something you should never do. But, it also seems like if you gambled all the time, you'd be trying to swerve everyone into betting on the opposite side of you to keep the spread from encroaching on you. But that's not why I picked Baltimore... I picked them because they're good and they always seem to have been good since two years after leaving Cleveland. They really need to investigate the Cleveland area for some kind of contaminant that causes bad decision making. My company is based in Cleveland, and they're run about as well as the Browns. If we just moved to Baltimore and hired a couple of guys from Miami we could turn this ship around.