Friday, November 4, 2011
Answering the Important Skins Memes Going Into Redskins/49ers
Redskins nation is in turmoil after that embarrassing shutout last weekend to the Bills, although we have an even tougher task ahead this weekend against the 49ers coming into Jack Kent Cooke Stadium and potentially rubbing salt into our wounds. But let's address a few football memes that have jumped up this past week...
THE REDSKINS SHOULD FIRE MIKE SHANAHAN
This is ridiculous pure-internet I WILL MAKE CONTENTIOUS STATEMENTS type nonsense. Absolutely not should Mike Shanahan be fired right now... and I don't even like the guy. I think his son is a huge liability at offensive coordinator, but I don't even think that dude should be fired. What good does it do to fire anybody mid-season? It's not like the Redskins roster is stocked with talent and can be whipped into shape with a new interim coach in preparation for next year. At this point, you have to ride out the season with what you brought, and if the offense doesn't start to at least look like a professional offense, you fire Kyle Shanahan. If Papa Mike doesn't want to do that, then you have to consider firing the batch of them. Personally, if they are a package deal, I say you fire them both at the end of the year if things don't start looking at least more competent, because Mike Shanahan's done nothing to earn the respect to hold the franchise hostage in keeping his son as play-calling dumbass extraordinaire. But fire them now? Ridiculous bullshit thinking.
REX GROSSMAN SHOULD BE THE REDSKINS STARTING QB AGAIN
This one, I say give John Beck one more week, or even one more half. I know he's behind a shitty O-line and getting sacked like crazy. But when he's not getting sacked, he has not looked like an NFL-caliber QB. So fuck him. I know Rex Grossman has Gunslinger Eyes and is apt to throw four INTs all at once. But he's also apt to actually be able to throw a long pass, so fuck it, ride him out the rest of the season. At least it will be a game, and we won't be so impotent. That's one thing you could never say about the Cannon of Sex - he is not impotent as a QB; he's going to get the ball into somebody's hands, regardless of jersey color. So if Beck still looks like he's just trying to not die at QB, bench him and bring back the Sex Cannon. Nothing great will come of it in the long run, but it's better than the slow death that seems to be John Beck as QB.
THE 49ERS WILL ABSOLUTELY CRUSH THE REDSKINS THIS WEEKEND
At first, I was letting myself indulge a weird feeling the Skins defense would bounce back and create some problems for Alex Smith, and try to make him look like Alex Smith, and keep this one close. But then I remembered we haven't been able to stop a RB if the other team decides to run in quite some time. Not just this year, but for the past couple years, this has been the case. The defense starts the year looking like it's shaping up into something good, then teams study film and see you can just rush right through the Redskins, so they start doing that, which opens everything else up, and combined with a perpetually ineffective offense, the Skins defense eventually loses it's ability to fight, and becomes the punk of opposing RBs. Frank Gore is pretty fucking good. I would expect him to tally some big yards this weekend, which is nice for us, because a running game is a much slower bleed than a passing game, meaning no matter how much they do end up dominating us, it's not like 62-7. It's more like last weekend's game against the Bills. Just at home.
CARLOS ROGERS WILL AVENGE HIS TIME HERE IN DC
No. Carlos Rogers problem in Washington was he was too much in his head, even saying as much in an interview this week, about how it's fun to play football again in San Francisco. He will be back in his head this weekend, thinking about it all, wanting a big pick-6 to rub it in Shanahan's face. I expect he'll have a couple of nice near INTs that fall off his hands, like he used to do. But god bless Carlos Rogers for going elsewhere and finding happiness. I am considering the same thing the more I watch this team.
THE REDSKINS MIGHT COULD POSSIBLY GET ANDREW LUCK WITH SOME WHEELING AND DEALING LIKE THEY ARE KNOWN FOR BUT THIS TIME IT WOULD FINALLY MAKE SENSE
Except this time, no one would deal with them. One of the keys in Redskins previous wheeling and dealings is the fact the other party usually was fleecing the Redskins. When it comes to Andrew Luck, nobody is going to be fleecing them, thus the market is pretty low for a trade, even if the Redskins threw four Number One draft picks at whoever had the top pick (a completely ridiculous idea I read somewhere yesterday... maybe Homer McFanboy, which would ultimately just end up in Andrew Luck being paralysed with fear after two seasons, or perhaps literally paralyzed). The Colts or the Dolphins are going to back into this thing (and challenge the Lions 0-16 mark in the process) and both of them would be more than happy to have their next Peyton Manning or Dan Marino.
On top of this, Andrew Luck is such a high profile pick that he's going to want to go somewhere that fits his long-term success, because the dude ain't stupid. Even if the Redskins did somehow finagle drafting him, I doubt he'd play for us. I mean if you are looking for stability and solid management, this franchise is not even in the top-half of the list. If you're only about a paycheck, Dan Snyder's name probably comes up fairly quickly, as a good money mark, but as far as actually being part of a competitive team that can challenge for the playoffs, I don't think we've signed a free agent with that legitimately in his mind since the 20th century. Seriously. No one in their right mind who wants to be part of a good team or successful franchise would come to this team at this point, which is what makes the rebuilding process all the more difficult. We're not rebuilding into a powerhouse dynasty from a competitive team; we're trying to rebuild a credible team out of a joke, in order to get good free agents who driven by competitive nature not wanting a new speed boat.
THE REDSKINS MAY NOT WIN ANOTHER GAME ALL YEAR LONG
Nah. They're the Redskins, who always do what they're not supposed to. They either think they're better than they actually are and lose games, or once everybody is all, "Hahahaha the Redskins think they're an NFL team still," they lean on the defense and steal an ugly win here or there. That's what they'll do. They've got two more wins in them this season, though I wouldn't expect it to be against the Dolphins like people are expecting (see Andrew Luck part above). But the Skins will snatch a couple of wins, probably just enough to move themselves out of position for drafting Matt Barkley, and continue to be an enigma on my soul for many years to come.
RAVEN WILL EVENTUALLY JUST QUIT DOING THE METASCIENCES, LIKE HE DOES EVERY YEAR WHEN IT GETS TOO UGLY
You may be right, bro, you may be right. We have the end of youth soccer season this coming weekend and the big picnic/trophy thing is on Sunday afternoon, right at the end of the 49ers/Redskins game. I mean, I could sit in my family minivan cursing loudly and smashing at the steering wheel while listening to Sonny, Sam, and The Other Guy call the painful ending, but most likely I'll mail in my metasciences from the blowout I see before going to the soccer awards. And each week, the call of dumpster diving for my pigs or reglazing windows before winter or just going hiking naked to masturbate by the creek in the peaceful confines of the Virginia woodlands in autumn, I'm going to find it harder and harder to care. But I'll stick with it, half-heartedly, watching every miserable game until the bitter end of this bitter season to start another bitter decade of this bullshit. Because I am a Redskins fan, which sucks, but I can't shake it. It's like herpes at this point - I couldn't get rid of it if I tried. So I'll just try to give it to everybody else I can.