Sunday, November 6, 2011

Redskins 3-5 Positives/Negatives Metasciences Week 9 Recap

(what a sad little anus mouth)

[Each and almost every painful week, I will metaphysically testify upon the positive and negative influences on my beloved Washington Redskins team, who I've known since childhood and always felt in my heart, as seen in their on-field (via televisions) performance. As the year goes on, we shall have a metascientifical tabulation of who is the most valuable or biggest detriment to the future of this franchise, because I am a scientist. Or I will do the Sunday paper's samuria sudoku.]
Mega-sigh. What a frustrating game, and I couldn't even get excited for anything, ever, even though I had somehow naively convinced myself the Skins were going to win this game. Then San Francisco got a field goal and I realized that with this offense that was an unsurmountable lead. Three fucking points. Turned out to be true too, other than a trash TD at the end of the game when the defense was coasting back to their charter flight home. Terribly painful game. But to their credit, the defense played pretty damn good, knowing full well that they'd get no support whatsoever. San Francisco is allegedly a pretty decent team, and they had to struggle for everything they got today. Maybe if the defense can start scoring about 21 points a game, we might turn this thing around...
THIRD DEGREE POSITIVE: OLB RYAN KERRIGAN - Kerrigan crushing Alex Smith in the 1st quarter briefly had me believing our destiny was to destroy the 49ers today. Kerrigan has been really really good his rookie year - better than Orakpo, though I'm sure the fact Kerrigan already has Orakpo on the opposite side while Orakpo did not have a matching bookend. Still though, I am hopeful this team gets better before Ryan Kerrigan's career is wasted or polluted by the Redskins philosophy of "We're better than this."
SECOND DEGREE POSITIVE: P SAV ROCCA - Rocca was a pretty good free agent signing. Seriously, he's been really good, but I guess he gets a lot of game day reps in, so it's to be expected.
FIRST DEGREE POSITIVE: K GRAHAM GANO - Longest field goal in Redskins history, breaking the previous record by Steve Cox. I remember Cox because he was the long distance specialist back in the day, and had had a brain tumor removed or something, so my dad's drunken friends and him called Steve Cox "Brain Waves" because he, according to their Jim Beam-fueled ravings, willed the ball further than other kickers. Man, if I had a bunch of drunken friends to hang out with to watch this shitty team with, it might be more tolerable. One of my dad's crew had a Speedy Gonzales forearm tattoo, homemade, that took up most all of his forearm. Good people man, good people.
STAY MEDIUM DEGREE: LB LONDON FLETCHER - The fact the defense hung so tough was pretty amazing, and you know Fletcher is behind that. He was behind last week yelling at Laron Landry's overrated over-rippled ass for blowing a coverage. And you know London was behind probably secretly telling the defense, "Hey, we're not going to get shit from the offense, probably for the rest of the year, but that doesn't mean we can't punch these fuckers in the face and hold down our end of the deal." I feel sad for London having to sift through all this bullshit over the years.
FIRST DEGREE NEGATIVE: WR LEONARD HANKERSON - Good showing at times today, and probably would've been even better had John Beck been able to see further than 7 yards down the field. I actually felt pretty positive about Hankerson, except it just isn't possible to have that many degrees of positive for this team. I think I was being pretty generous with three of them.
SECOND DEGREE NEGATIVE: S REED DOUGHTY - One thing I'll say for Reed Doughty - he's consistent. You know when you see #37 on the field, there's going to be some shitty moments on defense, and you'll probably see Reed about four yards behind or seven inches underneath somebody on a long TD play. That happened today.
THIRD DEGREE NEGATIVE: RB ROY HELU - Helu wasn't terrible by any means, but the fumble really sucked to choke out any hope at the end of the first half. And it sucks that he broke an Art Monk single-game receiving record by being the recipient of every dump down pass John Beck could possibly throw him. I like Helu, and would be content with them just sticking with him this season, to get the experience and see what he can shake out to be for real.
FOURTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: HEAD COACH MIKE SHANAHAN - He has supposed to be having masterminded something, but the plan seems faulty. And in the post-game press conference, he said he was sticking with John Beck, which seems highly questionable at best. All I can think is Shanahan somehow thinks the AFC South is weaker than expected, and the Colts will still win a few games. Because other than that, I see no reason to continue thinking John Beck will do anything other than suck.
FIFTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: T TRENT WILLIAMS - To Shanahan's credit, he pulled Williams off the field after that stupid personal foul, which was a smart move on Shanny's part, as Trent Williams has shown how boneheaded he plays. I question that dude's grey matter. He's a great athlete, and physically impressive as fuck, but man, we're a year and a half into his pro career and he actually seems stupider now than he was in his first game, like confidence has allowed his ignorance to blossom openly. I'm starting to lean towards this guy looking like another top ten draft bust for the Redskins, which I guess is as consistent as Reed Doughty has been. In fact, I'm not even sure why I expect anything different at this point.
SIXTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: CD DEANGELO HALL - I can't even begin to tell you how much I loathe DeAngelo Hall - and I actually gave him credit when he came here, and wanted to like him, being a Virginia boy and all. He just sucks. He will get beat long, and he'll play the softest of coverage off the line. There was a two play series where Alex Smith just flung quick outs to his WR lined up against Hall and got 8 yards a play both times because, yeah, DeAngelo Hall doesn't play them tight.
SEVENTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: OC KYLE SHANAHAN - I don't care how many injuries there've been, an NFL offense should be able to look at least competent. Shit man, you tinker the recipe to work with what you have if all else fails and at least figure out how to look like you should be there. The Skins offense does not look like that at all, and hasn't for a few weeks now. This leads me to believe Kyle Shanahan sucks, probably even more than we realize as disgruntled Redskins fans.
EIGHTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: QB JOHN BECK - There has been a long, comedic procession of starting QBs since 1994 for the Redskins franchise. And yet somehow John Beck seems like the worst one ever. He has all the lack of pocket presence of Patrick Ramsey combined with the gimp arm of late era Mark Brunell combined with the uncanny ability to hit people at their feet like Donovan McNabb. John Beck is like a hybrid of all the worst qualities of all our ineffective QBs, all wrapped up into one ugly assed Mormon dude who refuses to acknowledge reality. I am very much in favor of Rex Grossman coming back because even if he loses us half our games with stupid turnovers, he will probably, you know, throw a TD pass somewhere along the way. John Beck has helped us realize perhaps the most impotent NFL offense I've ever seen in all my life of watching football. At least the Sex Cannon throws interceptions. Beck just dumps it off for a three yard gain or makes a mad scramble for a two yard gain on every play - complete impotency. It is painful. And he gets to go back to Miami next week to face the team that first saw what a piece of shit he is as a QB in a football game that will basically be a reverse jockey for Matt Barkley draft position. Maybe that's Shanahan's plan - to let Beck stay on until he embarrasses himself in Miami, and then fire him on the sidelines during the 3rd quarter to send in the Sex Cannon in a weak attempt to emotionally squeeze something out of this ineffective and ugly offense. Maybe next week will see John Beck in an emotional heap on the sidelines, being escorted off by security personnel as he not only loses his starting job but his job, and they don't even let him board the flight home to D.C. I would not be upset by that.

ACCUMULATED INFLUENCES UPON THIS FRANCHISE 2011, BEST TO WORST: MLB London Fletcher (+21), OLB Ryan Kerrigan (+17), TE Fred Davis (+15), OLB Brian Orakpo (+13), NT Chris Neild (+8), WR Santana Moss (+7), P Sav Rocca (+6), RB Ryan Torain (+6), TE Chris Cooley (+5), S Laron Landry (+5), LB Rocky McIntosh (+5), DC Jim Haslet (+3), TE Logan Paulsen (+3), RB Roy Helu (+2), WR Anthony Armstrong (+2), CB Josh Wilson (+1), K Graham Gano (+1), DE Adam Carriker (+1), RB Tim Hightower (even), color commentator Sam Huff (-1), KR/PR Brandon Banks (-1), WR Leonard Hankerson (-2), QB Rex Grossman (-6), S Reed Doughty (-8), T Trent Williams (-9), fan Raven Mack (-10), QB John Beck (-12), HC Mike Shanahan (-16), T Jammal Brown (-18), CB DeAngelo Hall (-25), OC Kyle Shanahan (-28), and owner Dan Snyder (-34).

1 comment:

Neil said...

That picture is incredible.