Monday, November 7, 2011

6-2: A Poetic Retrospective

The Lions didn’t play on Sunday, which means that if I want to write about something Lions related, I’d have to talk about the team cutting fourth string running backs and resurrecting the corpse of Kevin Smith or about Matthew Stafford’s belly-button lint or openly speculating about the various dick sizes of the offensive linemen, and frankly, I just don’t want to do that to myself. Or to you. It’s also the midway point in the season, which means that everyone is handing out made up grades and wistfully looking back at the time that The Great Willie Young murdered Jay Cutler or the time that Tim Tebow turned the other cheek after Stephen Tulloch got done bitch slapping the other one.

So, rather than write about the various intrigues and hijinks taking place at Ford Field (although I will admit, I did consider writing a love story involving Leonard Davis and a ham sandwich) I thought I’d also take a look back at the first half of this beautiful season. But rather than handing out grades like some psychotic 9th grade shop teacher with a drug habit (Some would call it a problem, but I am an optimist and therefore like to think of them as “drug habits”) I thought I’d instead do the right thing and rip off Brian Cook of mgoblog, the venerable and beyond excellent Michigan sports blog. Every year, Brian writes haikus to commemorate the Michigan careers of each graduating senior on the football team. I thought I’d do the same for our boys.

Now, I’ll admit that it’s unseemly for me to jack Brian’s swagger like this, but I invented the Haiku in a previous life so, really, what you’ve got to ask yourself here is who is swagger jacking who? Think about it.

Anyway, let’s just get on with it before I end up accidentally writing a whole post devoted to utter nonsense. (Then again, why should this one be any different than any of the others?) Today, I figured I’d just do the offensive starters and maybe some key contributors and then in a couple of days I’ll do the defensive starters and key contributors (And yes, the “key contributors” addendum was created solely as an excuse to do Willie Young Haikus. Thank you for asking.) Oh, one thing you should probably know: I am just making these up off of the top of my head so if they are shitty, don’t blame me, blame my refusal to put any more thought into this beyond a shrug and thinking “Well, shit, let’s just start this fucking thing and see what happens.” Preparation is the tool of the devil after all. I mean, you know who really prepared? That’s right, Hitler. I rest my case. Also, if you are one of those Aspergery types who feels the need to count syllables like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man or some shit, hey, have a blast. Just don’t get all weird and throw a fit if there is an extra syllable tossed in here or there. We are better than that.

Okay, fine, I’ll stop gibbering and start, well . . . gibbering. But it will be meaningful gibberish. You understand the difference, right? RIGHT??? Anyway, here they are – the official Armchair Linebacker Midway Point in the Season Celebratory Haikus, or the ALMPITSCH, which I’ll admit sounds like the name of a German whore house catering to degenerate Nazi politicians or something, but . . . okay fine, I’m going to start now, I promise.

Matthew Stafford

Rocket-arm savior

So many questions remain

We all hold our breath

Jahvid Best

Tender egg-shell head

The ghost of Barry whispers

Such a tragedy

Calvin Johnson

Gift from the heavens

The soaring heart of my dreams

Fuck you Pereira

Nate Burleson

Promise unfulfilled

Where did you disappear to?

Come back to me now

Titus Young

The hubris of youth

A thunderstorm of promise

Yet unrealized

Brandon Pettigrew

Giant buffalo

Schwartz says he’s the running game

Six yards at a time

OR . . .

Giant steel traps for hands

Yet slick with oiled malice

Please don’t drop that pass

Tony Scheffler

White trash thunder-heart

Soul of a drunken dragon

Dance my sweet prince dance

Dominic Raiola

Too small and too weak

Can’t run block to save his life

But there’s no one else

Stephen Peterman

Big, fat, dumb, but tough

Blue collar nameless shadow

Please stop fucking up

Rob Sims

Not flashy, not good

Mere competence is enough

Depressing yet true

Gosder Cherilus

Gosder the man-child

The stench of Millen remains

Clinging to your soul

Jeff Backus

Wounded warrior

A mirror to our dark hearts

Human punching bag

Mikael LeShoure

Dead before you lived

Curse your goddamn Achilles

Why me, Lord? Why me?

Jason Hanson

Old Methusela

The beating heart of our pride

Please, never leave us

Okay, so that’s that. A failed experiment? Probably, but fuck it, cowardice is the way to the death of the soul and sometimes we need to reach into weird places in order to jump-start the stupid electric energies of our hearts. I have no regrets. Feel free to add your own Lions Haikus in the comments. Come on, it will be fun, like a class project on acid.


Raven Mack said...

I have to admit I scrolled quickly looking for Willie Young haikus, then I was like, "whoa are Willie and Titus Young brothers?" and then the Gosder Cherilus one made it all worthwhile so now I will go back and actually read them all

UpHere said...

Fiery leader
Motor City Achilles
Poor handshaking skils

I love this post more than Oreo ice cream.

Neil said...

Raven, the Willie Young Haikus will be coming when I do the defense in a couple of days.

Neil said...

"I love this post more than Oreo ice cream."

Powerful praise to be sure.

Also, I think I'll tack my Haikus for the coaches onto the post devoted to the defense, although that Schwartz one will be tough to beat.

Whiouxsie said...

I can farm some grit
Or hold a clipboard for you
If you want. I guess.

(Still luv ya, Shaun Hill.)

I guess he can share that one with Drew Stanton.

KDawg said...

Offseason man whore
He likes to fuck the hotties
A walking boner

Faster than lightning
Agile like a hummingbird
Ow, my fucking head

Leaping like Jordan
Megatron really flies
No defender wins

Expectations high
But just a possession guy
Not a number two

His namesake fits him
Unrealized potential
He has room to grow

Some say "Pettibeast"
He sure is big at the least
We hope for less drops

Do not celebrate
Slick like a chameleon
He steals your dances

Size like Olin Kruetz
A zone blocker with no push
The captain is gay

No push, just like Dom
Run blocking is his weakness
On his knees a lot

A great addition
The best of our run blockers
Maybe a has been

Not a dancing bear
A hot seat, poor performer
Gosder is a bust

Durable and tough
The anchor is slipping now
He must be replaced

No hero of Troy
What was once fatal, now not
Will he be the same?

The leading scorer
When he comes on he's money
Old reliable

Stupid fucking rule
Ruining a great talent
Need to use him more

He beat Nick Harris
He is not as good as him
Hanson must be pissed

Shaun Hill:
Dink and dunk, west coast
A game manager at best
He is no Stafford

Drew Stanton:
Tebow take a seat
This kid can run AND pass it
Better than Shaun Hill

Anonymous said...

Kevin Smith

The Wind can tackle me
Why did Miami not Call ?
Freaking unbeliveable

CJ said...

These are all just brilliant. Both the ones in the post and the comment ones.

I especially love the Scheffler and Backus and Hanson and Burleson and UpHere's Schwartz one and the Whiouxsie's QB one and KDawgs Best and CJ...and...and

They're all awesome. Every one.

My trifling contribution

Fierce beast, often stoned
Maimed Jamaal Charles, quiet since
...has he lost a step?

Neil said...

These are all glorious and have etched a smile upon my dark and twisted heart.

nick said...


Some say you are the
Motherfucking truth and I
hope to God you are

Desciple of Bellichick
Shake my Goddamn Hand

Neil said...

The best damn comments
The best damn commentators
The best damn Haikus