The Lions didn’t play on Sunday, which means that if I want to write about something Lions related, I’d have to talk about the team cutting fourth string running backs and resurrecting the corpse of Kevin Smith or about Matthew Stafford’s belly-button lint or openly speculating about the various dick sizes of the offensive linemen, and frankly, I just don’t want to do that to myself. Or to you. It’s also the midway point in the season, which means that everyone is handing out made up grades and wistfully looking back at the time that The Great Willie Young murdered Jay Cutler or the time that Tim Tebow turned the other cheek after Stephen Tulloch got done bitch slapping the other one.
So, rather than write about the various intrigues and hijinks taking place at Ford Field (although I will admit, I did consider writing a love story involving Leonard Davis and a ham sandwich) I thought I’d also take a look back at the first half of this beautiful season. But rather than handing out grades like some psychotic 9th grade shop teacher with a drug habit (Some would call it a problem, but I am an optimist and therefore like to think of them as “drug habits”) I thought I’d instead do the right thing and rip off Brian Cook of mgoblog, the venerable and beyond excellent Michigan sports blog. Every year, Brian writes haikus to commemorate the Michigan careers of each graduating senior on the football team. I thought I’d do the same for our boys.
Now, I’ll admit that it’s unseemly for me to jack Brian’s swagger like this, but I invented the Haiku in a previous life so, really, what you’ve got to ask yourself here is who is swagger jacking who? Think about it.
Anyway, let’s just get on with it before I end up accidentally writing a whole post devoted to utter nonsense. (Then again, why should this one be any different than any of the others?) Today, I figured I’d just do the offensive starters and maybe some key contributors and then in a couple of days I’ll do the defensive starters and key contributors (And yes, the “key contributors” addendum was created solely as an excuse to do Willie Young Haikus. Thank you for asking.) Oh, one thing you should probably know: I am just making these up off of the top of my head so if they are shitty, don’t blame me, blame my refusal to put any more thought into this beyond a shrug and thinking “Well, shit, let’s just start this fucking thing and see what happens.” Preparation is the tool of the devil after all. I mean, you know who really prepared? That’s right, Hitler. I rest my case. Also, if you are one of those Aspergery types who feels the need to count syllables like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man or some shit, hey, have a blast. Just don’t get all weird and throw a fit if there is an extra syllable tossed in here or there. We are better than that.
Okay, fine, I’ll stop gibbering and start, well . . . gibbering. But it will be meaningful gibberish. You understand the difference, right? RIGHT??? Anyway, here they are – the official Armchair Linebacker Midway Point in the Season Celebratory Haikus, or the ALMPITSCH, which I’ll admit sounds like the name of a German whore house catering to degenerate Nazi politicians or something, but . . . okay fine, I’m going to start now, I promise.
Matthew Stafford
Rocket-arm savior
So many questions remain
We all hold our breath
Jahvid Best
Tender egg-shell head
The ghost of Barry whispers
Such a tragedy
Calvin Johnson
Gift from the heavens
The soaring heart of my dreams
Fuck you Pereira
Nate Burleson
Promise unfulfilled
Where did you disappear to?
Come back to me now
Titus Young
The hubris of youth
A thunderstorm of promise
Yet unrealized
Brandon Pettigrew
Giant buffalo
Schwartz says he’s the running game
Six yards at a time
OR . . .
Giant steel traps for hands
Yet slick with oiled malice
Please don’t drop that pass
Tony Scheffler
White trash thunder-heart
Soul of a drunken dragon
Dance my sweet prince dance
Dominic Raiola
Too small and too weak
Can’t run block to save his life
But there’s no one else
Stephen Peterman
Big, fat, dumb, but tough
Blue collar nameless shadow
Please stop fucking up
Rob Sims
Not flashy, not good
Mere competence is enough
Depressing yet true
Gosder Cherilus
Gosder the man-child
The stench of Millen remains
Clinging to your soul
Jeff Backus
Wounded warrior
A mirror to our dark hearts
Human punching bag
Mikael LeShoure
Dead before you lived
Curse your goddamn Achilles
Why me, Lord? Why me?
Jason Hanson
Old Methusela
The beating heart of our pride
Please, never leave us
Okay, so that’s that. A failed experiment? Probably, but fuck it, cowardice is the way to the death of the soul and sometimes we need to reach into weird places in order to jump-start the stupid electric energies of our hearts. I have no regrets. Feel free to add your own Lions Haikus in the comments. Come on, it will be fun, like a class project on acid.
11 comments:
I have to admit I scrolled quickly looking for Willie Young haikus, then I was like, "whoa are Willie and Titus Young brothers?" and then the Gosder Cherilus one made it all worthwhile so now I will go back and actually read them all
Fiery leader
Motor City Achilles
Poor handshaking skils
I love this post more than Oreo ice cream.
Raven, the Willie Young Haikus will be coming when I do the defense in a couple of days.
"I love this post more than Oreo ice cream."
Powerful praise to be sure.
Also, I think I'll tack my Haikus for the coaches onto the post devoted to the defense, although that Schwartz one will be tough to beat.
I can farm some grit
Or hold a clipboard for you
If you want. I guess.
(Still luv ya, Shaun Hill.)
I guess he can share that one with Drew Stanton.
Stafford:
Offseason man whore
He likes to fuck the hotties
A walking boner
Best:
Faster than lightning
Agile like a hummingbird
Ow, my fucking head
CJ:
Leaping like Jordan
Megatron really flies
No defender wins
Burleson:
Expectations high
But just a possession guy
Not a number two
Young:
His namesake fits him
Unrealized potential
He has room to grow
Pettigrew:
Some say "Pettibeast"
He sure is big at the least
We hope for less drops
Scheffler:
Do not celebrate
Slick like a chameleon
He steals your dances
Raiola:
Size like Olin Kruetz
A zone blocker with no push
The captain is gay
Peterman:
No push, just like Dom
Run blocking is his weakness
On his knees a lot
Sims:
A great addition
The best of our run blockers
Maybe a has been
Cherilus:
Not a dancing bear
A hot seat, poor performer
Gosder is a bust
Backus:
Durable and tough
The anchor is slipping now
He must be replaced
Leshoure:
No hero of Troy
What was once fatal, now not
Will he be the same?
Hanson:
The leading scorer
When he comes on he's money
Old reliable
Logan:
Stupid fucking rule
Ruining a great talent
Need to use him more
Donahue:
He beat Nick Harris
He is not as good as him
Hanson must be pissed
Shaun Hill:
Dink and dunk, west coast
A game manager at best
He is no Stafford
Drew Stanton:
Tebow take a seat
This kid can run AND pass it
Better than Shaun Hill
Kevin Smith
The Wind can tackle me
Why did Miami not Call ?
Freaking unbeliveable
These are all just brilliant. Both the ones in the post and the comment ones.
I especially love the Scheffler and Backus and Hanson and Burleson and UpHere's Schwartz one and the Whiouxsie's QB one and KDawgs Best and CJ...and...and
They're all awesome. Every one.
My trifling contribution
Fierce beast, often stoned
Maimed Jamaal Charles, quiet since
...has he lost a step?
These are all glorious and have etched a smile upon my dark and twisted heart.
Stafford:
Some say you are the
Motherfucking truth and I
hope to God you are
Coach:
Baltimorian
Desciple of Bellichick
Shake my Goddamn Hand
The best damn comments
The best damn commentators
The best damn Haikus
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