I have decided for the remainder of this season, or at least the next two weeks, to return to the traditional NFLuminati Index posts, as I don’t give a fuck to recap the successes and failures of every team right now. So this week we do the old school eight-team listings of teams who are playing this upcoming weekend, with all sorts of pertinent details and wonderful gibberish, as you should be accustomed to by now…
And actually, Matt Schaub and the Texans along with Matt Ryan with the Falcons are going to be going through very similarly scrutinized performances in the coming weeks. Both QBs and teams have shown promise, and delivered big in the regular season Ws column, but have yet to translate that into the post-season. (Don’t forget that Schaub was injured during last season’s playoff time for the Texans.) Neither team, even after a season of success, is really rolling into the playoffs light from the internal emotional pressure of living up to their own hype. That shit gets heavy in the post-season, and don’t think it’s not going to be tap-dancing all throughout Matt Schaub’s brain. The best thing for the Texans is for the Galloping Vegan Arian “Pride” Foster to run roughshod on the Cincinnati Samoans’ defense, to keep the brain tap-dancing to a quiet minimum.
Speaking of Adrian Peterson, they are talking of having him return punts. Why? Why would you fuck with what got you here? You are here already. You don’t fuck with shit like that unless you are trying to get to the playoffs. Once you are there, don’t start mixing the chemistry different. Also Purple Jesus is not Adrian Peterson; it is DJ Screw. Stop saying otherwise, or the ghosts of codeine-slurred dead rappers will freestyle about rims just barely audibly at a slow speed in the background of your mind forever. Trust me.
Here is the thing though: RG3 is not 100%. That was obvious last week. And yet he’s able to win games, and to motivate the team, including guys like Santana Moss who I’ve never really thought gave too much of a fuck about the idea of team. It’s been truly amazing to watch. But how long can it go? How strong is this guy’s spirit? And being he’s not a caveman spirit warrior like a Marshawn Lynch, but a Christ-fueled Spirit Warrior, how quickly will worldly sentiment turn against him? He’s on a lot of commercials, and likes God; that’s a one-two punch that will get most of our godless society hating on him right away. Shit, if he wasn’t on my team, I’d be dogging the hell out of the kid, mocking him left and right (see Andrew Luck). But that’s not the situation. He’s on my team, and we’re hosting a playoff game for the first time in forever, against the team that’s knocked us out of the playoffs the last two teams we made it in over the course of our meager recent history.
I don’t know man. I’m really stoked they made it this far, but like I said above, I fear First Nation Beast Mode energies may overwhelm the corporate Redskins. But then again maybe this young disciple of Christ, a more approachable and fun-loving and multi-cultural Tim Tebow, Robert Griffin the Third, maybe he is a force stronger than that. Perhaps this is not just native vengeance against the horrible Redskins legacy but also primitive culture doing battle with organized religion and corporate entities who In God We Trust. There’s some crazy shit in the psychic realm going on with this game, and I don’t even know what the fuck it is; I’m just along for the ride at this point.