I have decided for the remainder of this season, or at least the next two weeks, to return to the traditional NFLuminati Index posts, as I don’t give a fuck to recap the successes and failures of every team right now. So this week we do the old school eight-team listings of teams who are playing this upcoming weekend, with all sorts of pertinent details and wonderful gibberish, as you should be accustomed to by now…
#1: HOUSTON TEXANS (12-4; 2nd overall, same as last week) – Yes, the Texans still sit in the 2nd position in the overall listing, despite the late season crumble. Here’s the thing: the NFL is good at setting up illusions going into the playoffs, and then those illusions are dispelled come January. Nothing for the Texans has changed since what I wrote a few weeks ago about how they own their home and try to steal the road. This weekend, just like last year, they have a chance to own their home in a playoff game. As shaky as they’ve seemed, that shouldn’t be a problem. The problem is this is not uncharted territory, as it’s exactly what happened last year. Next week, when they go to New England, that’s when they try to stake a claim at being an improved team capable of more than being a upper-mid-level success story for the playoff’s early rounds.
And actually, Matt Schaub and the Texans along with Matt Ryan with the Falcons are going to be going through very similarly scrutinized performances in the coming weeks. Both QBs and teams have shown promise, and delivered big in the regular season Ws column, but have yet to translate that into the post-season. (Don’t forget that Schaub was injured during last season’s playoff time for the Texans.) Neither team, even after a season of success, is really rolling into the playoffs light from the internal emotional pressure of living up to their own hype. That shit gets heavy in the post-season, and don’t think it’s not going to be tap-dancing all throughout Matt Schaub’s brain. The best thing for the Texans is for the Galloping Vegan Arian “Pride” Foster to run roughshod on the Cincinnati Samoans’ defense, to keep the brain tap-dancing to a quiet minimum.
#2: GREEN BAY PACKERS (11-5; 4th overall, same as last week) – Okay, my apologies, everything to this point was written previously yesterday when I don’t know, I was in a bad place where I was actually trying. Fuck trying. I have been thinking about smashmouth football and sabremetrics and shit like that overnight, because stuffing a ball down somebody’s face is very primal and basic and like crushing the spirit of others, and yet can’t be quantified really. How do you sabremetric spirit levels? But the whole concept of the West Coast offense is to slightly replace the running game, which is considered short yardage, with short passes that spread the defense out. But the concept of the running game is it gets defenses leaning in to the line so then you can go deep for the kill shot. West Coast offense is more of a constant spreading side-to-side, and less primal, in my opinion. This is why I have decided I hate the Green Bay Packers, because Aaron Rodgers does that shit more than anybody, throwing to 19 guys, no actual RB on their roster for the past five years. Fuck that. Football is about crushing the spirit of the other guy, and about getting concussions, and about dying an early death but with a memory-speckled brain that kinda remembers how awesome it all was. Football is a shitty midwestern townsfolks’ blowing off steam from the shitty routine and ultimately soul-crushing life of the local factory. Football is rusty machines and kielbasa sausages made by old white women who believe in European voodoo gods. Green Bay is not even a for-real city; it is a throwback to football teams in places like Dayton and Canton and Rockford and shitholes of today like that. If there is one place that should embrace for-real football, it should be Green Bay. Instead it is what it is, which is an abomination against the Football Gods, and a treacherous display against what it means to be American. Not bullshit politicians talking God, Guns, and Freedom America, but the for-real dirt dogs along every shitty street in every shitty city and town that exists America, where we do whatever the fuck we have to do because what the fuck else are we gonna do? Shit man, there is only survival; everything else is gay.
#3: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (11-5; 6th overall, up one from last week) – I will be very honest as a Redskins fan, I am almost certain this football game is somehow related to the Idle No More movement, and that Beast Mode is not so much Marshawn Lynch on his own but him channeling through the power of the Seahawks tribal logo. Anyone who knows me knows lime green has been a power color for my Rojonekku styles for, well for ever. It seems no coincidence to me that the Seahawks more prominently display lime green and they become a more powerful overwhelming force. So although I really am stoked for my Redskins (and afraid to write separate articles about them here, because what if their success is due to me not writing about them? Have you thought about that?), I also am partially convinced that the psychic karma I’ve mentioned many times over the Redskins name and racialist history is going to be avenged psychically by the Seahawks, perhaps in horrible fashion. Perhaps in QB-crippling fashion. I really hate to say these things but nothing the Redskins have done, especially under George Preston Marshall, as well as Dan Snyder, who has switched racialism into classism and was offering a commemorative silver coin 20 minutes after last week’s Sunday night game, has worked to correct the mistakes made. And you don’t make complete reparations or any shit like that, but you do acknowledge wrongdoing. My previous suggestions that native shaman take over FedEx Field and channel peyote vines was overlooked. That is going to come back to haunt this weekend. And shit man, I’d love nothing more than to try and convince myself the Skins can win it, then win in Atlanta, and somehow make it to the NFC Championship game where fuck it they could get lucky and win that I guess. But there are strong psychic forces at play here. No matter how much men try to change the frequencies of the Earth through cybernetics and wireless robotics and electromagnetic tomfoolery, the Earth has its own fractal geometric rhythm that is chaotic and perfect and beautiful and ultimately always triumphant. Always triumphant. No matter how “civilized” we claim to be, our psychic umbilical cord still goes down into the dirt, into the Earth. Marshawn Lynch is not so much Beast Mode as the channel through which Beast Mode currently flows. The Seahawks have dabbled into some strong organic energy that no amount of trick scheming by coordinators is going to stop. This is some Nikolai Tesla and Wilhelm Reich level shit going on. It pains me to say it, but that’s what it is.
#4: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (10-6; 8th overall, up two from last week) – The Vikings have had a hard upswing in the overall NFLuminati Index the past two weeks, with a road win against the #2 team, and then a home win against the #4 team. Adrian Peterson was only 9 yards short of Emily Dickinson’s single-season record for quatrains. But the main thing is Christian Ponder is not fucking up. At this point of the season, the key is to have a QB that does not fuck up. (See Atlanta Falcons.) The one flaw in Aaron Rodgers over-commercialized armor is he will fuck up. Sure, he’s not The Ol’ Gunslinger just flinging ‘em down the field for whoever. Rodgers is more of a precision fuck-up, where he has large incompletion amounts as opposed to a couple of big INTs. Actually I don’t really know that. I don’t look up statistics for dumb shit my brain thinks, because my brain is attuned to my gut, which has intuition based upon a millions years of existing as well as millions and millions of microflora kicking it inside of us all. This is why too much antibiotics is stupid, literally, because it makes you stupid. But I know that other than the one Super Bowl, Aaron Rodgers hasn’t done shit, other than be in a lot of commercials. Early exit after early exit. He is prone to this shit. He makes mistakes, or else Green Bay would’ve won three Super Bowls under him. He gets slobber-knocked. It is easy to say, “Whichever QB doesn’t fuck up will win,” because that’s the truth. And if All Day Adrian Bug-eyes is dashing fat chunks of yardage, then Ponder will have more space to not fuck up.
Speaking of Adrian Peterson, they are talking of having him return punts. Why? Why would you fuck with what got you here? You are here already. You don’t fuck with shit like that unless you are trying to get to the playoffs. Once you are there, don’t start mixing the chemistry different. Also Purple Jesus is not Adrian Peterson; it is DJ Screw. Stop saying otherwise, or the ghosts of codeine-slurred dead rappers will freestyle about rims just barely audibly at a slow speed in the background of your mind forever. Trust me.
#5: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (11-5; 10th overall, up two from last week) – Usually in this space I make fun of the Colts, but I know a dude who has connections to Stanford football and thus is a big Andrew Luck fan. And I know that friend reads this column fairly regularly. But I have to ask you, unnamed friend, have you ever done speed in a shitty hotel room with shitty Indiana people in shitty Indiana towns before? Have you ever fallen in love with a beautiful young woman named Kaylee, who you know that’s exactly how you spell her name even though that’s a common white underclass princess name, because she had a homemade necklace with her name spelled out she wore? Did you meet her and her aunt at the karaoke in a run-down bar attached to an even more run-down hotel in Clarksville, and then spend time with them in their room along with her aunt’s man, who Kaylee also referred to as her step-daddy? Did you kind of figure Kaylee’s aunt was actually her mom most likely and not aunt, but you guys all partied, except Kaylee, who just smiled and hung out and occasionally would touch you on your hand and you’d feel everything that was so ugly inside of you turn okay? Did the step-daddy, who went by Lucky, but also was called Andrew by the aunt when she was pissed at him, talk to you constantly through a scruffle face and one half-chipped tooth about all the big plans he’d done in the past, and how each of the seven crudely tattooed horseshoes on his left forearm for each “criminal masterminding I done did”? And let me ask you this, unnamed friend, did Lucky try to steal your sock money while you were taking a shower being you hadn’t had one since the truck stop in Cincinnati a week earlier, and did a hazy altercation ensue, even though for the previous 32 hours it seemed like everything was cool with everybody, although tenuously, except for Kaylee, who was so sweet and pure? Oh man, that walk up to the package store for two more suitcases of Old Style, just you and her in the strange Indiana night around midnight. Did you carry both cases of beer and she joke and laugh that laugh of her’s, only for you guys to get back and Lucky to be raging after he and Kaylee’s aunt fought over something yet again, but the aunt left this time, probably back to the karaoke bar most likely, where that fake biker looking dude she was flirting with last night was probably at again? Did a guy named Andrew also called Lucky push Kaylee back against the door as she tried to calm everything down, and you flip out because shit man, how much abuse can you tolerate from some old ass redneck fucker? Apparently more, because did you get cut along the left shoulder with a busted double deuce Miller Genuine Draft bottle? And what the fuck man, why did Lucky think MGD was a good beer, like he was living the high life (no pun intended) in some shithole hotel room in Clarksville? Did the cops come get you both, and you had an outstanding warrant for failure to appear in Richmond court on something you didn’t even know about, so once the cops saw your broken bottle stab wounds weren’t that bad, you got sent off to the local jail, with nobody you knew to bail you out, nor anybody to care, except maybe Kaylee you wished? And there she was, standing reflected in the blue strobe lights of law enforcement, on the free side of the glass, looking at you with those unblemished eyes – such a pure soul stuck in such a foul hole… how long before it all ate her up and pissed all over that innocence? How did she even get this far with it intact? Was she an angel, if such things exist on this manmade hell of a planet we are forced to exist upon? And fucking Lucky, he was bailed out almost immediately, probably by Kaylee’s aunt, probably with your fucking sock money for traveling, and you just sat there on that concrete bench, glad you had already taken a shower back at the hotel because there seemed to be a lot of Mexican/Salvadoran gangsta wannabes with MS13 tattoos and shit in here, and you didn’t know the structure inside, or even outside in stupid fucking Indiana, so the more you could avoid the dark chaos of the showers, the better. Do you still have that scar on your left arm, in the half curve of part of a beer bottle, thick and puffy like a black fraternity scar, and does it always remind you of Indiana every time you see it, every day of your life? If so, then maybe you’d be a little rough on the Indianapolis Colts too.
#6: BALTIMORE RAVENS (10-6; 11th overall, down three from last week) – Ray Lewis is retiring, and all the sports media is like, “What a great career! What a great testament to the human spirit and pro football and blah blah blah.” You know what? Fuck Ray Lewis. Dude looks like a mongoloid and his dance is stupid. He’s supposed to be so motivational and shit like that. Frankly I’m kind of sick of the reformed gangster motivational Christ-soldier types in pro football. Reform that wack ass slide step in your dance you old caveman looking fucker.
#7: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (10-6; 13th overall, same as last week) – When this Redskins season started, I never anticipated the playoffs even as a possibility. I was high on RG3, sure, but the amount of picks given up for him was concerning, and even more so, the fact he was coming to the Redskins concerned me. Dan Snyder is a huge force of epic shittiness, and it was my fear that yes Robert Griffin III might be the best prospect to come out in a decade, but his goodness, at such a young and vulnerable age, would easily be overwhelmed by the immense darkness of Dan Snyder’s ways, which permeates everything Redskins, so much so that most of the fanbase reeks of cell phone store salesman douchiness at this point. And when they were 3-6, I was emailing my Redskins buddies, and we were wondering if they’d be able to win 5 games total. But RG3 is a far more powerful force than I realized, powered by his God worship (the kid says “prayerfully” instead of “hopefully” for fuck’s sake), as well as his incessant optimism. And shit got turned around. I put this heavily upon RG3’s psychological back, as his spirit was strong enough to at least stymie Dan Snyder’s overbearing spirit, for the time being. We will have an off-season and who knows what happens then, but for now, we are in the playoffs.
Here is the thing though: RG3 is not 100%. That was obvious last week. And yet he’s able to win games, and to motivate the team, including guys like Santana Moss who I’ve never really thought gave too much of a fuck about the idea of team. It’s been truly amazing to watch. But how long can it go? How strong is this guy’s spirit? And being he’s not a caveman spirit warrior like a Marshawn Lynch, but a Christ-fueled Spirit Warrior, how quickly will worldly sentiment turn against him? He’s on a lot of commercials, and likes God; that’s a one-two punch that will get most of our godless society hating on him right away. Shit, if he wasn’t on my team, I’d be dogging the hell out of the kid, mocking him left and right (see Andrew Luck). But that’s not the situation. He’s on my team, and we’re hosting a playoff game for the first time in forever, against the team that’s knocked us out of the playoffs the last two teams we made it in over the course of our meager recent history.
I don’t know man. I’m really stoked they made it this far, but like I said above, I fear First Nation Beast Mode energies may overwhelm the corporate Redskins. But then again maybe this young disciple of Christ, a more approachable and fun-loving and multi-cultural Tim Tebow, Robert Griffin the Third, maybe he is a force stronger than that. Perhaps this is not just native vengeance against the horrible Redskins legacy but also primitive culture doing battle with organized religion and corporate entities who In God We Trust. There’s some crazy shit in the psychic realm going on with this game, and I don’t even know what the fuck it is; I’m just along for the ride at this point.
#8: CINCINNATI BENGALS (10-6; 16th overall, up two from last week) – Perhaps you will note that the Bengals are only 16th overall in the NFLuminati Index. That is after a huge bump over the past two weeks with wins over division rivals Pittsburgh and Baltimore. But this is an NFL illusion, engineered to make things exciting. If there is one team that does not belong (other than the Redskins), it is the Bengals. They may hang tough this weekend, but if you were to ask me, “Raven Mack, I want to bet my entire life’s savings on one game this weekend, to Russian mafia guys in my area, who once murdered a cousin of mine with cheap Uzbeki explosives over something stupid like a $600 debt. Who should I bet on?” I would answer you the Texans, without thinking twice. Of course, if they lose, and you lose, it will not be me who is dead or sold into the white slave trade. But trust me, I’ve been there before (on both counts) so I can relate. Thus my pick is made with that in mind.
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