Friday, August 19, 2011
NFL ACLB PREVIEWS - #26: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
PERTINENT DATA: 7-9 last year, won NFC West, upset the Saints at home in wild card round before losing at the Bears in the divisional round of the playoffs; 75 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLVI.
BEST CASE SCENARIO (Neil): The Seahawks have retooled a bit. They finally tossed Matt Hasselbeck’s bald ass out of town (Well, his head is bald, not his ass. Not that I would know. Well, there was that one time, but . . . no, I can’t get into that here. I’ll just say it involved a bear, a matchbook, and a can of mace and a promise from me never to set foot in the state of Washington again. Wait . . . is Matt Hasselbeck even the bald one or am I thinking of his idiot failure of a brother who works for ESPN and is married to that shrill harpy who cries all the time, especially when she draws the short straw and has to wash Rosie O’Donnell with a rag on a stick? You bet your ass that Barbara Walters rigs that shit. She’s 168 years old and she once fucked William Randolph Hearst in 1887 aboard a giant Toboggan he later lovingly named Rosebud in memory of her lady nest. She doesn’t need that shit. Also, I should point out that when they fucked, they were going downhill, in the snow, naked. That’s why people say that William Randolph Hearst invented the X-Games. But honestly, does it even matter which one of the Hasselbeck boys is bald? Are they both bald? Who cares? Matt Hasselbeck is gone. Fuck him. That may sound harsh, but if you look back Seahawks fans, you’ll just turn into a pillar of salt. That shit is in the Bible, you can look it up. ) and decided to roll the dice with Tavaris Jackson at quarterback. That means that the best case scenario involves the Seahawks going 8-8 after Tavaris gets hurt in week 10 and they’re forced to turn to Charlie Whitehurst, who let’s face it isn’t any good either but he’s not an embarrassment like Tavaris and he can probably at least hit Sidney Rice in stride every once in a while. But hey, 8-8 would probably be good enough to win the NFC West by 2 games and then who knows what the fuck can happen?
WORST CASE SCENARIO (Raven): Pete Carroll is a fraud of an NFL coach. Sure, in the college ranks, he could have that easy-going long face of his smile at the best recruits boosters could buy, and let them run wild on the streets of Los Angeles, pull them together for 10-win seasons even in off-years, and hope the other shoe never falls. But then it did fall, so he bolted back to the NFL, to pretend again he is actually a good coach. You see, in college football, you're kind of like the cool health teacher, where all the kids love you because you let them do whatever they want, and they sit around in the dark watching Terminator in class with the star athletes getting handjobs in the back row from loose girls. All a good college coach has to do is tolerate things, and cover them up well. An NFL coach is more of an executive, who has to discriminate in his coaching staff, and find people who can execute his philosophical visions in smaller huddles during practices and sideline meetings. The head coach sets the tone. But when you're some goofy ass Bill Walton of Football dude who just wants to go hiking and watch the sunrise over the Cascade Mountains, that's not gonna work. We are in year two of the northwest Pete Carroll experiment, and he gutted a lot of the more famous players from before he was there (Matt Hasselbeck, Lofa Tatupu) and filled it with his young gunners, who probably won't amount to shit because all they have is like Tavaris Jackson and Charlie Whitehurst as QBs. I have never figured out what ethnicity Whitehurst is. I'm guess he's a bi-racialist, but he doesn't even have that look really. He does look like he smokes mad weed, and plus he lives in the Pacific Northwest, and his coach is Pete Carroll, so I imagine Charlie Whitehurst is pulling hits of a Vaporizer bag many days of his life. That won't be a good influence on Jackson, who looks like he ain't afraid of going down the wrong path himself, and isn't Matt Leinart their third QB? Good lord man, they're going to be a terrible team, but I bet they have the best hot tub parties.
PLAYER TO PULL FOR (Neil): Marshawn Lynch. That dude is pretty awesome. I know, I know, everyone loved that beast-man run he did in the playoffs last year which was admittedly some wild shit, but what brings a smile to my face whenever I think of Marshawn Lynch is the memory of him stealing the injury cart following a win by his Cal Bears and then driving that shit around the field one handed like he was driving an Impala in an old Snoop video. That will get my seal of approval 10 times out of 10.
PLAYER TO HATE MOST (Raven): Golden Tate has a stupid name, played at Notre Dame (which means stupid too, because if you are a bonafide superstar football player, you ain't going to Notre Dame the past 20 years... that's some 1918 bullshit there), and though he got busted for stealing donuts last year in what was probably a staged crime by his agent with the hopes he could get made to not seem like such a chump ass, you know it was fake. Somebody awesome on the team made him go steal some donuts as a rookie hazing thing, and Golden Tate was too stupid to do it without getting caught.
BEST NAME ON TEAM: While it's hard not to honor Lazarius Levingston on this roster, the fact there's a dude named Atari Bigby is hard to overlook. His parents named him Atari. I was just thinking today that there's probably a kid named Internet somewhere in this world. Man, names are gonna get all sorts of fucked up when the Twitter generation starts having serious kids, not just young sex kids, like when they're in their late 20s and settled into social media management jobs for ad agencies, and having for-real meant to kids with for-real meant to partners? Those are gonna be some fucked up names. We're gonna need some new wingdings in MS Word, that's for sure.
IN A PERFECT WORLD (Neil): In a perfect world the Seahawks start the season 0-6 or something like that and Pete Carroll finds his shit packed in a box outside of his office following a game. I bet he’d cry at the press conference announcing his firing. Maybe that’s not fair, but fuck that dude. On one level I respect his hustle for turning a shitty NFL coaching past into the head job at USC and then using the lure of L.A., a bunch of illicit money and Snoop Dogg hanging out with his players to hoard all the best college football talent and then getting the fuck out as soon as the heat got too close and then turning that into a fat contract with the Seahawks, but on another level, fuck him. He’s a con-man who’s just going to fall flat again in the NFL because in the NFL the talent level is a lot more equal than in college and his players don’t give a fuck about him knowing Snoop because they know him too and they probably smoke weed with Snoop at his crib where they make fun of Pete Carroll behind his back. But this wasn’t supposed to be about Pete Carroll. It was supposed to be about the perfect world of the Seattle Seahawks but I got distracted because really, who gives a fuck about the Seahawks or their perfect world?
PROGNOSIS (Raven): The Seahawks will not be very good at all, but being they are in the NFC West, which is the worst division in all of football, they will still manage a 5-11 season, and finish last in the division. Really, that's not that bad though, as it's only two games off their division winning record of last year. Fucking NFC West, stealing jobs from hard-working Americans.