Thursday, August 18, 2011


PERTINENT DATA: 4-12 last year; 80 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLVI.
BEST CASE SCENARIO (Neil): The best case scenario for the Broncos involves my man Kyle Orton ignoring everyone, including his new coach, getting shit bombed before every game and then doing what comes naturally to him, raining down footballs soaked in King Cobra and fire into the hands of Brandon Lloyd, the two of them combining to become the most lethal passing combo in the NFL. In this scenario, Orton throws for 4500 yards or so with 30 touchdowns. Shit, Scott Mitchell did it once, why not a warrior king like Orton? Meanwhile, Brandon Lloyd catches 110 passes for 1700 yards and sends Bears fans into a collective seizure which leads to them frothing at the mouth and pulling Jay Cutler from a moving vehicle and eating him on Michigan Avenue. This all helps to mask the Broncos struggles on defense after switching back to a 4-3 only a couple of years after switching to a 3-4. Somehow, John Fox manages to keep the defense from imploding completely and Orton and the Broncos drunkenly swagger to a 10-6 record and upset the Colts in the first round of the playoffs.
WORST CASE SCENARIO (Raven): The Broncos were the first team to make the transition in the '90s to these ugly NFL Europe style uniforms. Actually, those brown ones with the yellow socks that everybody was like, "Ewwww" about were my favorite shits I've seen the past few years. People have terrible taste, and it's because we are engineered to have the tastes we have, so some halfwit homosexual Italian guy dreams this shit up while weekending for four days straight in the Hamptons, and next thing you know every thugged out dude on earth is contradicting his true nature by wearing plaid shorts to a family cookout in the park. But I digress from the Broncos... Colorado is a wretched state for wretched people. I am a rural survivalist, but an open-minded new southerner. I welcome all colors and all types, so long as you are true. Fuck two-faced people and fuck dramatic individuals who create worry from nothing all the goddamned time. So you would think I would be down with Colorado people and their natural survivalist mode, but I just can't, because they are like secret pro-white people who don't outright say, "Fuck those other people," but you can feel it in the air as soon as you cross the state line. Colorado is like Utah but without full-on Mormonism, but it's the same ignorant yet don't they they're ignorant at all type people who then assume the rest of the world is ignorant for not thinking like they do. So fuck a place like that. I'm not sure why Hunter S. Thompson ended up there, but I am sure that's a huge reason why he was so easily suicided and nobody's ever dug a fucking question from anybody to find out whether the boy toy high end child prostitution ring involving both parties in D.C. he was about to expose had anything to do with it. Don't forget that Jon-Benet Ramsey was in Boulder, and her dad was a big defense contractor dude with connections, or that that whole story had the torture signatures of a certain CIA dude that I can't remember the name of but also can't find on the internet anymore because this was like 2003 I was researching this shit, and they've cleansed all of that out the internet. But you know what? You can follow some dumbass on twitter now? Isn't the internet such a great treasure trove of information? You know what, fuck Colorado, and fuck everybody there, and I hope somebody from Colorado is like, "No way man, Boulder is an awesome town, and there's great hiking and microbreweries, not to mention good kush, and Steamboat Springs brah, that's a real cool ass place. Plus snowboarding in the winter." Fuck your white leisure lifestyle. I am a poor motherfucker writing about stupid fucking football teams on the internet for my leisure, and the asshole structure of this asshole factory won't allow for rock solid regular dudes like me and Neil to make money because we actually say what we feel, without toning it down to not insult anybody, or breaking it up into little retard-worthy lists of quick blurbs that get busted into 94 pages on a shitty website so as to artificially drum up page counts to trick advertisers into thinking they are getting good value for their waste of fucking time and money. So thank you Colorado... you are a beautiful state, but I wish all of humanity would burn to the fucking ground, all our cities crumble like the World Trade Towers, all our people turned to dust to be trampled by the barefeet of the truly wretched like myself who are too goddamned stupid to die, so we survive, on the fucking throwaway pieces of scraps you assholes leave behind. And when that happens I hope it happens in Colorado first, at a fucking Broncos game, preferably against the Chargers.
PLAYER TO PULL FOR (Neil): Kyle Orton. Who else? Did you really think I was going to talk up the Tebow child here? Fuck that. I picked Kyle Orton to be the QB for the All-ACLB team and I did it for a reason. Go back and read that if you want to know why you should root for him. I like to think that in the offseason, Orton spent his days fishing in the Gulf with Kenny Stabler, the two of them just drinking, talking life and maybe a little football here and there and then his nights getting all fucked up with Kenny and marauding through shitty Gulf Coast bars, raising hell, waking up in the morning with a strange naked woman next to him, Kenny Stabler lying on the floor with two women of his own and then getting up and having a beer for breakfast before realizing that Kenny still hasn’t gotten up, checking in on him only to find the two chicks Stabler was with half naked and hysterical because they can’t wake him up, and then Kyle keeps his cool because he’s a leader, he’s a quarterback and he runs next door to get that discredited veterinarian who lives in a fishing shack to help him out and the vet laughs and tells Kyle and the ladies to relax because Kenny just took a handful of horse tranquilizers that he sold him and Kenny just needs to sleep that shit off and then Kyle manages to persuade the old veterinarian to give the girls a ride back into town in his beat up old pick-up truck and then Kyle hangs out with Kenny’s dog until Kenny finally stumbles out of the room sometime in the early evening, still kinda fucked up and then he and Kyle drink a few beers before they take the boat out for a couple of hours again, lather, rinse, repeat. That’s how I’d like to think Kyle Orton spent his summer, locked out of football but not locked out of life and that’s why I will root for him and why you should too. Also, fuck it, root for Kenny Stabler. Just because.
PLAYER TO HATE MOST (Raven): Who else? Tim Tebow. That guy was made for Colorado like Jimmer Fredette was made for Utah. I homeschool my kids, but unfortunately because of shithead Christians like Tebow, when you say "homeschool" people think you are some holy roller Jesus freak who doesn't want your kid to know science, when actuality I am just a dude trying to raise free-spirited kids not polluted by government influence, not wanting them to learn about genital warts until, you know, they're old enough to be learning about that type of thing. My call. And while we're on the subject of Jesus freaks, I think it important to tell you about the All Saved Freak Band, which had a guitarist dude from The James Gang back in the day, who probably while on acid, found Jesus. He joined some commune in Ohio, and back then "hippie" was a derogatory term by the media for the long-haired free-spirited types, who preferred to call themselves freaks. (Dumbasses calling themselves "hippies" proudly now is the equivalent of black people calling each other "nigga" all the time - a derogatory term turned into how that group sees itself. Thanks America.) Anyways, the All Saved Freak Band was the first major Christian rock band to ever exist, and some of their music is actually pretty cool to listen to. But I hate Jesus, and think people who believe in God are retarded. See? That's how good the All Saved Freak Band was. New Christian music sounds like sheltered insurance salesmen tried to recreate pop music from 12 years ago for their kid's birthday party, but without anything controversial. It's all so fucking dated and terrible. And that's what Tim Tebow listens to. I guarantee it. I can't even bring myself to look up some famous 2011 Christian music that pretends to be cool to try to namedrop to trick you into thinking I know the specifics about everything, everywhere, at all times, like the god that I am. But I guarantee you Tebow listens to that shit. And it's a shame that Hunter S. Thompson and Oscar Zeta Acosta are not still alive, to abduct this little clean-faced asshole whose soul has never been allowed to develop - for the good or bad - and force him to take like five hits of good blotter, old school CIA blotter, and force him to listen to the All Saved Freak Band for a few hours on a cold ass Rocky Mountain trail, in a stolen Range Rover some douchebag drives in Telluride when he comes to stay at his second home.
BEST NAME ON TEAM: There's probably not a better name in all of the NFL than Elvis Dumervil.
IN A PERFECT WORLD (Neil): In a perfect world, Kyle Orton does catch fire and he does lead the Broncos to a first round upset of the Colts, only to be arrested that same night in West Lafayette after hitching a ride from Indianapolis with some old college friends and getting so shit faced drunk that he pisses his pants and winds up passing out in some random girl’s dorm room and then punching a male RA when the dude shows up to demand that Kyle leave because he’s not a student and didn’t sign in. The Broncos are then forced to turn to Tebow, who throws 6 interceptions in a 56-17 loss to the Patriots in New England and then is caught sobbing on national TV while Bill Belichick hovers in the background, preparing to morph into a vampire who looks like Jesus, which he will do in order to trick Tebow into giving him his soul and then he will eat him. Meanwhile, Kyle Orton will be bailed out by Kenny Stabler and then Kenny Stabler will punch out John Fox and assume the head coaching duties of the Broncos and the two of them will be the new Bill Walsh/Joe Montana for these strange and terrible times, only they’ll be cool and have souls.
PROGNOSIS (Raven): The Broncos are not a good team, but they are decent. Decent enough to go 6-10, maybe a game or two better if they stick with Kyle Orton, or maybe a couple games worse if they make the Tebow mistake. John Fox is a pretty smart dude, who often made something out of nothing in Carolina, so I would expect him to find a way to stick with Kyle Orton.


UpHere said...

Tim Tebow is great for the NFL if only because he spawned this page, although i continue to find it unlikely that Jesus would be of assistance in reading defenses or fixing a throwing motion that can be timed with a calendar. And it is true that you ca sit on a patio in downtown Denver and wait 45 minutes to see an Asian, never mind a darker-skinned gentleman.

All in all, this is the best team preview that will be written anywhere, for any team, on the Interwebs or in print.

Raven Mack said...

thanks, we like to think of ourselves as the only true-to-the-spirit of it gonzo sports journalists around

also, if you couldn't tell, I did not enjoy myself in colorado, but as a black muslim, I guess that's to be expected

Neil said...

Raven and I are running wild all over the NFL, the USA and every other acronym you can think of.