[I am going to do a new thing where I recap the Big 3 Stories of the day, as Neil and myself have shucked ourselves down to the mental cob, and have decided we will write about everything NFL related this year. Of course we will probably bitch and moan and jibber jabber deliriously about the Lions and Redskins, but fuck man, that’s a lot of stupid fuckers writing NFL bullshit inside these interwebs, and me and Neil should just be doing it all. Seriously. Fuck all these weak ass pussy writers.]
BIG STORY #1: SEAN PAYTON’S 2012 SACRIFICED TO ROGER GOODELL’S GODS OF LAW
Don’t get it twisted and think this is too much or too little or overblown or simply about the changing of NFL culture. Because it’s not. I would guarantee you that last season, out of 32 teams, there were 32 locker rooms with some sort of “bounty” system, albeit less organized than what Gregg Williams did. But it’s not like Gregg Williams dreamed that shit up in a cocaine-fueled frenzy somewhere along the Baja Peninsula. Headhunting is part and parcel of the NFL. Unfortunately, so are crippled motherfuckers after they’re playing days are over. And the crippled motherfuckers have started to band together in little pockets, and get lawyers, and the possibility of a class-action lawsuit would have become more and more real the more dudes killed themselves or had dementia or displayed very textbook post traumatic brain injury tendencies. Thus, the NFL was going to be super-militant, so that when these questions come up in the future, in a court room, Roger Goodell can say, “As soon as we knew what was scientifically happening, we had a zero tolerance policy. Our hands are clean.” There will be other perfectly innocent men according to historical NFL standards who will be sacrificed at the hands of this legal maneuvering. But the NFL will not get crushed with liability for every player ever. They’re playing lawyerball, as Hank Hill would say.
BIG STORY #2: TIM TEBOW GOES TO THE JETS (BUT MAYBE NOT)
Hearing about Tebow going to the Jets made me lololol in my brain all afternoon. Here you have the goldenboy Jesusback, going to play with a fat dude with a foot fetish. How would Tebow be able to let his retarded kid charity people stand sideline when Rex is over there cussing left and right and masturbating to old Leg Shows during booth review instant replays? Still though, I thought a Mark Sanchez/Tim Tebow reality TV show, where they shared an apartment, would’ve probably been the only reality show I’d ever want to watch.
But now Tebow is pulling his God card, and had always wanted to go to Florida, where he grew up and played college ball and lived amongst a bunch of right-wing God-believing simpletons in the past. New Jersey is like New Babylon to those people, a purgatory of funny-talking unbelievers. Laron Landry going there made perfect sense, as now he can fully embrace his muscle worship bisexual tendencies. I personally have no problem with that, but I think Tim Tebow would not be down with teammates have R&B workout sex in the showers and Mark Sanchez sneaking his normal three-pack of 16-year-old girls and case of Michelob Ultra into the QB video room. Tebow to Miami makes sense because really they’re one of the last teams left without a chair during this QB musical chairs thing that’s going on. But Tebow to Jacksonville makes even more sense because it means Tebow can still play in the NFL, and be relevant and win a game here and there and be like, “All praise to God, the Christ one not the brown one or freaky Asian one or anything else.” But none of the rest of us will ever have to see it. Still though, Tebow in the greater NYC Sodom & Gomorrah would be my personal preference, especially if he somehow still won and turned the place into a wholesome area. Then I wouldn’t have to cut west through Pennsylvania when going to New England.
BIG STORY #3: RGIII PRO WORKOUT DAY
Half of the Redskins management team went to Waco to be there, because they are leaking semen all over their burgundy and gold boxer-briefs in anticipation of bringing Robert Griffin III to D.C. So of course it makes sense the Colts went to RGIII’s Pro Day too, to confuse the Andrew Luck is natural #1 pick, at least enough to bother me. I do not think Andrew Luck’s spirit warrior nature is strong enough to conquer the complete dysfunction that is Dan Snyder’s Washington Redskins. Then again, I don’t think Robert Griffin III is enough to conquer it either, but he’ll at least be more fun to root for.