Friday, May 27, 2011

2010 Bears Post-Season Awards, Full Sequence

This, but with the head of Pedobear pasted in.

Look, when I decided to do the 2010 Year-in-Review in award show form, it never occurred to me that it would encompass like 90 posts and take twelve years to complete in its original form. And I know that I should be spend my internet time on the other other dudes the Bears drafted, but I had started this thing, and dammit, it was there. But to hell with long, drawn-outness. So instead of a whole big thing, I'm going to just toss out all of the clever names for awards I scribbled down in the notebook in my car and try and come up with a blurb for them. It lacks the pizazz of the first two of these things, but goddammit, anything more would be madness. So without further ado, we shall now close the chapter on 2010; a season charmed in some ways and doomed in others; truly a season of Retarded Destiny. Anyway...

The Darryl Jenks Award for Hairstyle of the Year goes to...

The playoff beard of Johnny Knox, wide receiver. 2010 was the year that everyone's hair went nuts in Chicago. You had Rashied Davis's habit of airbrushing the back of his head with team logos and inspiring slogans, Matt Toeaina's metal-ass Sepultura hair that seemed to grow in overnight, the mohawks that all the linebackers on the team sported in the preseason, (except Urlacher, who was too bald for it to work and Hunter Hillenmeyer, who opted for the lame-assed faux-hawk instead) the usual hundred guys with fabulous dreadlocks, and Devin Hester's decision to cut his off leading to bizarre experiments, like the look where he had a dreadlocked version of the 1989 Jason Newsted mull-hawk, with "Da Hess" shaved into the side. And hell, by the end of the year, Jay Cutler was even moving away from that "my mom bought a Flowbee" look he's always had. But man, Knox's beard was just too amazing. It made him look like a damn redbone Grady Sanford, and the next time I see him clean-shaven, it's going to destroy me as a man.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Lance Louis, OG. 2008 - Adrian Peterson, RB.

The King Curtis Iaukea Memorial Award for Pacific Islander of the Year goes to...

Matt Toeaina, defensive tackle. This dude had been kept on the bench ever since he showed up huge as a desperation injury replacement in 2007, so it was almost a shock when he started the season usually making the 45-man game roster. From there, he was solid as hell, and by the end of the year, he he had gone from starting in place of Tommie Harris because the coaches were trying to embarrass Harris to starting over him because as of 2010, he was simply a better player. Even after growing out the hair and beard and ruining all my planned DJ Khaled jokes, HE STILL DA BESSSSSTTTTT
Theoretical Past Winners: 2009 - Al Afalava, S. 2008 - Olin Kreutz - C

The Jim Martin Era Faith No More Memorial "From Out of Nowhere" Award for most pleasant surprise goes to...

Tim Jennings, cornerback. If you only look at stats or Madden ratings, the corner position opposite Charles Tillman was supposed to be okay, what with Zack Bowman and his six interceptions there, but rational people knew better. Bowman was a human loser in 2009 who seemed to give up ten touchdowns for every pass he picked off, and the only other options were shrimpy D.J. Moore and Corey Graham, a dude who should really stick to special teams. But god damned if Jennings - a guy picked off the Colts' shitheap to basically just be a warm body in training camp - didn't win the starting job early in the year and help a lot toward the defense not being as bad as it had been the year before. Like he wasn't a superstar or anything, but he wasn't Zack Bowman, and that means a lot.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Devin Aromashodu, WR. 2008 - Josh Beekman, OG

The Jim Martin Era Faith No More "Falling to Pieces" Award for biggest disappointment goes to...

Devin Aromashodu, wide receiver. Man, 2010 was supposed to pretty much be the Year of Aromashodu. After the way he closed out 2009 - following Jay Cutler spending about 14 weeks begging for the coaches to put him in - everyone, including myself and everyone who ever wrote anything about fantasy football, figured this guy would have this huge, monstrous, breakout year. In the end, he dropped a bunch of passes in week one, got put into the Lovie Smith Wide Receiver Doghouse, and was never seen or heard from again. In the end, he caught 10 passes for 149 yards and no touchdowns, which was both one yard and one TD less than he caught in one game against the Vikings a year earlier. And he probably fucked all kinds of people's fantasy football teams to hell and back.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Matt Forte, RB. 2008 - Tommie Harris, DT.

The Israel Idonije Award for Canadian of the Year goes to...

Israel Idonije, defensive end. For years, this dude was just sort of there, barely noticeable on the field, but seeming like a pretty solid dude off of it. But this last year, after the Mark Anderson experiment was finally mercifully destroyed by county officials, the Bears stopped trying to pretend that Izzy was a defensive tackle, moved him back to his natural position, and let him go. And maybe it was the fact that Julius Peppers was on the other side, taking up two or three blockers, or that Tommie Harris was no longer inside, freeing up two or three blockers, but he had himself a fine little year. And seriously, when the Bears played the Bills north of the border, the look on Idonije's face while finally getting to hear "Oh Canada" before an actual meaningful football game was one of the most awesome things. So in your honor, I shall pour out a Labatt's, eat some back bacon, be nice to people, and do whatever the hell else it is that Canadians do.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Israel Idonije, DT. 2008 - Israel Idonije, DT.

The George Blanda Memorial Award for Ex-Bear of the Year goes to...

Brandon Lloyd, wide receiver, Denver Broncos. Thinking back to 2008, I can remember wondering out loud why they kept this guy on the bench, because while Rashied Davis was actually getting playing time after 2007, Juuaquin Iglesias was eating up a roster spot, and Marty Booker was destroying any legacy he would have had if he had ever established one, Lloyd was clearly the best wideout on the team. Two years later, and god damn, after years of being disappointing for San Francisco, sucking ass for Washington, and being pretty good whenever actually allowed to play in Chicago, in 2010, he was the best receiver in the entire league. Well, I guess the quarterback situation was better in Denver, because - oh wait, that's right. The Broncos had Kyle Orton, the same guy the Bears had in '08. When asked if he wanted to tell the 49ers, Redskins, and Bears "I told you so," he went one better and literally told all three teams to fuck themselves. And you know, at least as far as the Bears go, he's right.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Kyle Orton, QB, Broncos. 2008 - Cedric Benson, RB, Bengals.

The Ron Turner's Playbook Memorial Award for 2010 Chicago Bears Least Valuable Player goes to...

TIE: The Doom of 2010 (Olin Kreutz, Roberto Garza, Chris Williams, Frank Omiyale, J'Marcus Webb, Lance Louis, and a few others), offensive line. Because really, could you only pick out one of these turds? I mean, as happy as well all seem to be with the Gabe Carimi draft pick, that still only leaves four more spots on the line that could really use a new starter. 2010's line was awfully, apocalyptically bad. It was as if such a line were assembled for some sinister cross-purpose, like maybe they figured that if Cutler was sacked enough, his physical structure would begin to break down at the most basic atomic level, until at last, he sloughed off his physical form and became a being of pure light; a Neon Knight called by the toll of the bell to save us from the jackals of the street. Or something. Fuck Frank Omiyale.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Frank Omiyale, OG. 2008 - Marty Booker, WR.

The Dennis Gentry Award for Secret Offensive MVP goes to...

Greg Olsen, tight end/fullback/H-back. Last year was a year where talk of the Bears' offense consisted of three things for the most part: Jay Cutler and all the real and imaginary problems he was having, Matt Forte going buck wild whenever they'd bother to give him the ball, and those five assholes up front who did their best to destroy Cutler and Forte. A year ago, Olsen would have been up front and center, but Mike Martz hates receiving tight ends the way most people hate Nazis, so he was mostly removed from the offense's plans, being used as a blocker, despite being the best receiver on the team. But through this and at least one attempt to trade him to the Patriots, Olsen stood tall like a goddamn man, and while he wasn't allowed to keep being the #1 guy on a team of fair-to-middling wide receivers, he still was the go-to guy once things were falling apart and stupid Martz had to finally deviate from his sacred system to actually move the ball. And even though Brandon Manumaleuna was paid a wheel barrow of money to replace Olsen's ball-catching styles with a more blocking fat-guy style of tight end play, it was Olsen who ended up as the better blocker of the two. Olsen did everything he was asked to do, did it better than the players Martz would have rather used to do those things, and as bad as it got sometimes in 2010, it would have been way worse without G-Reg locking his shit down.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Jay Cutler's insulin. 2008 - Desmond Clark, TE

The Wilber Marshall's Cartilage Memorial Award for Secret Defensive MVP goes to...

Chris Harris, safety. In the Bears' brief glory years of the mid-80s, Wilber Marshall was a beast, a Hall of Fame caliber player who could do everything and change games with his presence. Problem was, the same could have been said about Mike Singletary, Richard Dent, and Dan Hampton too, players like Gary Fencik and Steve McMichael weren't far behind, and the Fridge sure could sell some hamburgers, so the guy never really got noticed for the most part. Such is life for Chris Harris.
With everyone freaking out over the Julius Peppers signing and the return of a healthy, non-shitty Brian Urlacher, no one seemed to care when the Bears corrected one of the biggest (of so many) mistakes they've made since 2006 and brought this dude back, after three years in Carolina. Seemed like every time there was a clutch play that absolutely had to be made, Harris made it, and became the unofficial king of the comeback-killing, game-sealing late interception. And with the calming influence of a veteran starter that was actually good, fellow safety Danieal Manning actually stopped sucking. So summing up: Bears in 2006, with Chris Harris? NFC Champions. Bears with Harris in 2010? Division champs, one game away from the Super Bowl. Bears with his spot manned by Adam Archuleta, Kevin Payne, Al Afalava, or whoever the hell else was over there? Shitty. Hitman Harris is the guy.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Jamar Williams, LB. 2008 - Israel Idonije, DT

The Alonzo Spellman Rampage Award for Controversy, Off-the-Field Issue, or Other News Story of the Year goes to...

Jay Cutler Mannerismgate, NFC Championship Game - On one hand, we've been over this whole thing before, and having to dignify the situation with any sort of response still makes me sick to my ass, but on the other hand, I just remembered some stuff I meant to put in the original post and left out, so just consider this whole thing some sort of DVD extra deleted scene or something. Anyway, when Sanders, Schlereth, and everyone else's mothers were hammering on Jay Cutler, one of the recurring themes was "well, if that was (insert name of elite quarterback here), then blah blah blah blah," where basically anyone they named would have just sucked it up and played, like it was the 1920s, no quadrillion dollar contracts were at stake, and playing quarterback on a torn-up knee was a thing you could do. With that in mind, here's a sample of how some of those guys would have done in that situation:
Peyton Manning: Still leaves game after injury, but rather than quietly sulking, spends a good ten minutes cussing his linemen like dogs before being told to shut the fuck up by the one black dude.
Aaron Rodgers: Situation plays out the exact same way, but rather than calling the dude soft and accusing him of faking an injury, all you hear about is how they never should have let Brett Favre go.
Brett Favre: Takes two or three exaggerated limping steps, then has to be helped off the field, all while wailing, gnashing his teeth, and tearing out his beard over how the gods could have struck down a knee as glorious and golden as his. Then returns to the game for the next series, because it's early in the first quarter and the actual injury hasn't happened yet. After it finally happens, he sits out a couple quarters until he looks up and notices that even with the backup quarterback in there, the team has stumbled ass-backwards into being within a touchdown. He immediately insists on returning to the game, and after seven minutes of inspired play, the team loses by 21.
Phillip Rivers: Leaves game and doesn't come back, and a few years later when a player they don't like does the exact same thing, all the ESPN types use selective amnesia and creative license to make it sound like he played the entire game. (see what I did there?)
Tony Romo: Somehow plays through the injury, and miraculously has an inspired game, throwing for over 300 yards, three touchdowns, and only one interception, nearly leading the Cowboys to victory. After the game, Dallas fans spend the next nine months calling for Romo to be traded and for Jon Kitna to be named starter, all citing the one interception.
Michael Vick: Eats three dogs at halftime, absorbing their pure canine souls and using them to heal his torn ligament. Philadelphia wins NFC title and Super Bowl, and Vick eats five more dogs in celebration.
Tom Brady: After knee-injuring sack, play is temporarily suspended, as Roger Goodell calls an emergency meeting of the Rules Committee to make all on-field physical contact illegal. After play resumes, several opposing players are killed by RPG fire coming from the Patriots' bench. Another emergency meeting is called to begin destroying all video evidence of the game, and in the aftermath, Bill Belichik is fined a hundred dollars and handed down a three-game suspension, to be served whenever he decides to retire. For shits and giggles, James Harrison is fined $800,000 and shot.
Drew Brees: Knee magically healed at halftime by Jesus; Saints win.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Josh McDaniels runs Jay Cutler out of Denver and into Chicago. 2008 - Brian Urlacher's crazy stripper ex-girlfriend accuses him of trying to turn their son gay.

The Henchman 24 Memorial Award for Special Teams Player of the Year goes to...

Corey Graham, cornerback. Special teams players have a hard life. They have to be complete insane killers, ready to run full speed into immovable objects with unstoppable force, and at the end of the day, they know that no matter how well they do their jobs, they're going to be anonymous to the fans and expendable to the coaching staff. Nameless, faceless, underpaid, and expected to be crushed and killed for the good of the players that supposedly really matter, the special teamer is both the asshole and backbone of the game. And of all of those poor crazy fucks, none were better in 2010 - regardless of what the Pro Bowl/All Pro voters said - than Corey Graham.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Tim Shaw, LB. 2008 - Garrett Wolfe, RB.

The Chicago Bears Quarterback Position Memorial Award for Offensive Player of the Year goes to...

Matt Forte, running back. With a passing game crippled by the Doom of 2010, Jay Cutler's occasional bouts with Favreitis, and Mike Martz's painful life of denial, you'd think there'd be no hope in running the ball, but somehow, this guy pulled it off. Only being used as anything but a safety-valve receiver for the last eight games or so, he went for over 1,000 yards and over 4 yards carry, and with the sixteen phonebooks I've written about the Bears' offensive line last year, both of those stats are fucking amazing. And in the role of receiver - sometimes even lining up wide, as opposed to just coming out of the backfield - he caught over 51 passes to tie for the team lead, which probably means that he was responsible for keeping at least 30 QB sacks off the stat sheet, when Olsen would be left to block, no one else could get open, and Frank Omiyale would be standing where a defensive lineman used to be, wondering what it was that he was supposed to be doing, because dammit, he knew there was something. Anyway, the Bears' 2010 offense was bad, but without Matt Forte, it would have been a complete disaster. It's really too bad that we have a pass-first offensive coordinator and a multi-zillion dollar quarterback contract to squeeze all the value out of, because on a lot of teams, this dude would be a superstar.
Theoretical past winners: 2009 - Greg Olsen, TE. 2008 - Matt Forte, RB.

The Bitching About Richard Dent Not Being in the Hall of Fame Memorial Award for Defensive Player of the Year goes to...

Julius Peppers, defensive end. In Carolina, Julius Peppers sat on a throne of blood in a castle of pain. But upon his much-heralded arrival in Chicago, The Überklaw's true Season of Evil began. He didn't have the glamorous sack totals to make it obvious, but the dude was the truth last year, and even when not making it to the quarterback or shutting down the running game way more than a DE is expected to, seemed to always be drawing a holding penalty or inspiring a false start, particularly that first Packers game, which had to be the first time I've ever seen a player take over a game, literally through fear alone. 2010 was the first time the team has had a real threat at defensive end since both of those times that Wannstedt got rid of Dent, the first time there had been a truly dominant player since Urlacher was still young, and the first time the Bears have had a lineman that teams absolutely had to double or triple-team since Tommie Harris's lower body stopped working. It a was a time for terrible and dreaded doom, and goddammit, for once, it wasn't always our guys being subjected to it.

Smashing bloody laws
The Uber Klaw
The gaping maw
We share this fate
It's life's one law

Theoretical Past Winners: 2009 - Lance Briggs, LB. 2008 - Lance Briggs, LB.

And finally...

The Frodo Baggins Memorial Award for Special Achievement in the Destruction of Evil goes to...

Corey Wootton, defensive end. 2010 was the year that will go down in history, as it was the year that Evil was destroyed and a dark shadow was lifted from the land, as Dark Lord Brett Favre was concussed into late retirement by the most unlikely of players. While the Bears defense was defined by its fell captains Urlacher and Peppers, it was a mere late-round rookie who landed the death-blow that saved the planet from another twelve years of the slurping of Favre's tiny ding-dong. It just goes to show that anyone, from the greatest to the least of us, can be a True Hero, and while you can learn everything there is to know about Jerry Angelo's experimentally-drafted defensive ends in a month, after a hundred years, they can still surprise you. Thank you, Corey Wootton. May your children grow tall and strong, and may death come swiftly to your enemies.
...And so closes the book on 2010.

NEXT TIME: I dunno, something about another rookie that won't get to play this year probably.

1 comment:

UpHere said...

Sinister cross purposes, a Nazi-loving Martz and Patriot RPGs. There is just so much to love in this one. Tremendous work.