Armchair Linebacker - a New Writing blog

Saturday, March 7, 2009

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Posted by L.N. at Saturday, March 07, 2009
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ARMCHAIR LINEBACKER!

Football. No matter what anyone says, this is the true national pastime, and because of that far too many of us have been swallowed up by the monster storm called fandom, spiraling further and further into the abyss until finally, all we can do is holler back, screaming into the void hoping that someone, somewhere might hear our fool words.
That is what this blog is all about, giving a voice to those who need to just get it all out because their own team has clubbed them over the head one too many times. We are all idiots, utterly without dignity or decency, but we are fans and we believe despite ourselves that somehow this football thing will someday be worth all that idiocy and pain.
If you think you have something to say about your team, or if you just want to say hello or hell, even if you just want to yell at us, hit Raven Mack up at ravenmack at gmail.com or Neil up at neilabfree at gmail.com and before you know it, you too may be gibbering like a lunatic for the world to see. Come, join us, and we will gnaw on the bones of the wicked and the foolish together. Football. What can we say? We love it.
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Soft Fuck Ohio Fuck Roger Goodell Fuck the Bears Fuck the Vikings Gabe Carimi Game Notes Gregg Williams Haiku Haters Gonna Hate Houston Texans I don't even know what in the hell this is I sure hope this post isn't hilarious by this time on Sunday I've written some ridiculous gibberish but this shit is just on a whole new level Indianpolis Colts Insanity J'Marcus Webb Jacksonville Jaguars Jason Hanson Jay Cutler Jeff Ireland Jim Haslett Johnny Culbreath Joshua Cribbs Kenny Stabler Kirk Cousins Kyle Orton LOUD NOISES Let's Do This Fucking Thing London Fletcher Madden cover curse Mark Sanchez Matthew Stafford Matthew Stafford is Superman and Abraham Lincoln all rolled into one Mikael LeShoure Monday Night football Mushrooms My God . . . Just . . . My God NFC NY Giants Neil's brain Norv Turner the stupidface Owners suck Philosophical Bullshit Philosophical Quackery and Assorted Nonsense Playoffs? Progress Report Quarterback Controversy Retarded Destiny Revenge Scab Referees Shanahan the Elder Shaun Rogers Shitty Teams Soccer Stalinist Purges At The QB Position Stefan Logan Stephen Ross Super Bowl XLV Swagger THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME Tales of the Ridiculous Neil Tampa Bay Buccaneers The Almost Unbelievable Audacity of Hope The Doom of 2012 The terrible past Thursday Games Titus Young Tom Brady Tom Brady's Heresy Tony Sparano Whitney the Merciless World Cup 2014 autumnal daydreams borderline personality disorder corporate engagements dramatic situation analysis educated black guys eternal suck exorcising failure demons fuck everything fuckin' gut punch gay pride hyperbole ill-advised smack talk live blog new God vs old Gods nothing should be taken for granted ever postmortem robots vs. humans science-happy supervillains sebastian janikowski is your pasty fat jesus special teams stupid Manning family trustworthiness wang youtubes zombies #1 overall picks 13X 1906 Earthquake 3-1 means nothing 49er Legacy A new low ACLB Hall of Famouses ACLB Obituaries AJ Hawk Abe Lincoln Admiral Ackbar Alex Karras Alex Smith Not Sucking Alex Smith is a hero Alex Smith's Baseball Cap Alphonso Smith Andy MVP Lee Andy Reid the fat genius Astrology Atletico Mineiro Australian Rules Football Avoiding The Big Fuck Up Aztec Sacrifices BBQ Baboon's Ass Back to the Future Bad Boys Banana Beer Barry Sanders Beautiful Dreams Best Buy Big Ben Bill Parcels BillsJetsMageddon Bitching Borussia Dortmund Bruce Miller IS #49 Bubby Brister mentions CAF Champions Caleb Campbell Cam Newton Carson Palmer is NOT a douche Channing Crowder Chaos Charles Woodson Chilo Rachal China Dolls Chris Conte Christian Ponder Chuck Bresnahan can eat a dick Clock Management Corleone Baptism Countless Obscentities Cris Collinsworth the fountain of bitterness Crisis Averted Dakuwaqa Dan Carpenter Dance Party USA Daryl Drank David Akers Is A Boss Death Defense Wins Championships? 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Lovecraft HAIL SATAN Hammurabi Hangovers He's not QUITE dead Head injuries Hell Hippies History Lesson Holy Spirit Home Necronomics Hyperbolic Glee I Know This Is Almost Unbearably Negative But I Had To Write This So Please Forgive Me I Mean It If The Lions Lose This Damn Game I Can't Write About Them Anymore Don't Think I'm Bluffing I Want My Money Back I apologize for whatever the fuck this is I don't know Jared Allen seems like a bitch I hate that stupid horn I should have procured some ether before kickoff I want to know what love is I want to punch whoever thought giving away a home game every year was a good idea I wish I didn't have to write this but ... here we are I'm back motherfuckers I'm so sorry for this ISSUES If I knew I was going to be traveling back to 2008 I would have looked up some winning lotto numbers If not now when? If you don't like swearing . . . this might not be the place for you Important games Inbox Gold InshaAllah J.J. Watt Jahvid Best Jake Long James Harrison Jedi Jeff Backus Jeremy Shockey Jerry Angelo Jesus this is Grim Jim Harbaugh Jim Schwartz Takes His Wind Jimmy Raye Joe Gibbs 1.0 Joe Gibbs is better than you realize Joe Montana Jon Gruden is a terrible person Jonathan Vilma Jordan Dizon Julian Peterson Junior Seau Just Win Please Kansas City Chiefs Karlos Dansby Kirsty the Maiden Kordell Stewart LOCKOUT 2011 Landon Johnson Lazy Blogging Lesotho Correctional Services Let's have a general strike Linemen Catching Passes Liverpool Logan Paulsen London Fletcher barfing Looking Past The Vikings Lord Tensai Losing A Winnable Game Lovie Smith Lyon Magic Number Magick Make Roger Goodell Resign Making Excuses Making Love to Cliches In A Dumpster While My Heart Furiously Masturbates Itself Back to Life Man's Descent Into Madness Manchester United Mario Manningham Mark Brunell Matt Forte Matt Moore Matthew Stafford's inner Kenny Stabler Mayhem Meltdowns Mental Breaks Meta Bullshit Metallica lyrics as joke captions Metaphors Imagery Symbolism and Neil Michael Vick Mike Pereira Lizard Man Mike Sellers Mikel LeShoure Monday Fucking Night Ya'll Mongo Mortal Kombat NAVORRO BOWMAN NEVER FORGET (c) NFC wildcard round NFL is the new WWE NOT avoiding The Big Fuck Up Nazis Nigeria Super Eagles Niles Paul = Robert Royal Ninnyism No I will not calm down No Mercy ORAKKIGAN Obscenity Odin Oh God Why? Why??? Once More Into the Breach Out-Coached PATRICK WILLIS Palmeiras Panic Pat Summerall Pat White Patience is a great GNR song Peyton Manning Pluck Poetry Time Poor Kyle Williams Pop Warner Praying to the Football Gods President Sammie Hill Pro and Con RAGE Ray Lewis really really really sucks Real Madrid Redskins Disease Referees Religious Studies Reposts Restless Glee Rex Grossman is a stupid Rex Grossman is not a stupid Richard Dent Rick Reilly and Bill Simmons fucking suck so fuck you if you like them Ricky Williams Roary Rohypnol Sad Sack Gibberish Sage Rosenfels Sam Hurd Sammy Baugh Sao Paulo Schedule Bullshit Scott Linehan Seattle is a hole See Europe We Can Try To Kill Each Other Over Football Like Morons Too Semi-Live Game Blog Senseless Babble Sepultura Shakhtar Donetsk Shameful whining Sheriff Goodell Sisu Skittles Sleep Deprivation Sophie's Choice Spirit Journeys Sporting Cristal St. Calvin Stories of the Day Strange But Not Terrible Times Stupid NFL fines Super Bowl Shitty Storyline Narrative Preview Super Bowl XLVI Take Your Dream Team And Shove It Tales of Madness Talking to the People Ted Ginn Jogs Faster Than You Run Terrell Davis The Catch The Devil The End Of The Fun Part The Ghosts Of Candlestick Past The Lions in Winter The Other Catch The Other Other Catch The Ravings of a Diseased Mind The Refs Are Supposed To Suck The Refs Suck The final stage is acceptance The ghost of Sam Cooke This is fucking ridiculous Tiebreakers Tim Tebow is great Tim Toone Tom Crabtree Tom Lewand Tony Sparano masturbates to field goals Tortured Metaphors Tottenham Hotspur Triumphantish Troy Smith Truck Neild Truth Tyler Polumbus is very offensive UEFA Champions UEFA Europa Unbelievable Amounts of Gibberish Unfantasy Football Ungrateful Bitching UpHere Viking Funerals Wallowing In A Pool Of My Own Fetid Misery Washington Snyders We Have No Mouth And We Must Scream Weird Back to the Future fanfic Weird Shit Similes And Metaphors Weird Star Wars Fanfic Welcome Back Kevin Smith Wes Welker What The Fuck Is Wrong With Me? What the fuck do we do? Where's My Pulitzer Whoring Willing Yourself Forward Wow I Was Right Yacob Yelling at People Yggdrasil You Will Never Win Because We Are Still Here And We Will Always Be Here You could try to argue but you'd be a goddamn fool Zombie Apocalypses Zoroastrianism a bowl of fuck with extra mayonnaise a win is a win air it out al davis death al davis obit ass and titties ass ass titties titties ass and titties baby-killing barely making sense big ones in all three holes birthdays blow it all up and start over bold ideas to make the NFL a better thing brain damage caleb Hanie cannibalization carson palmer celestial-body-based paganism cobras cocaine college coaches making the transition concussions crazy uncles cryptic messages cuckoldry date rape dirtbag O-linemen dogs I have known douche bags drama dresses dumb mountain metaphors email bitching extensive replay failure demons fake money dreams fear fines fly like agaric football in Los Angeles forcing ourselves to finish things former Hurricanes fuck Double J fuck Jared Allen fuck JoePa fuck Roy Williams fuck my life fuck police fuck the Ravens functional alcoholism futuristic visions grow up yo guidos gunslingers not named Brett guys what the fuck do we do? headbutting a wall stud repeatedly hey look a monkey holiday blues horror how the NFL is like pro wrestling indecent exposure lawyerball lengthy orations letting love open the door to my heart long snappers love is beautiful monkeys more like Brian Douchelacher amirite nerding the fuck out to prove a goddamned point newspapers are what we used to look at for timely events ninja training no excuses oh man Taiwan amirite? oh man the internet opiates parenting personal stories about bleeding and shaving heads pimped out cars playing for the draft at this point possibly gay prison teams prisoners ranting reality sucks refpocalypse repeating something incessantly to make a point romosohomo salary cap casualties same old shit scrappy white guys secret porn links serious nerdery sexuality shi shit talk shitty posts shitty shitty shit simple pleasures of animal farming sluts somebody hold me soulless stadiums in the wrong state stabbing people stfu stupid Eagles stupid Igbos stupidity supreme mathematics tantrums teenage girls on cocaine the 1980s the ACLB LiveBlog Experience the Dolphins are really bad at this drafting thing the Hall of Fame is no longer dead to me the Kool Aid--to drink or not to drink? the New South the New Writing the Shanaplan the Smash Mouth Philosophy the black Peyton Manning vs the black Tim Tebow the philosophy of greatness the secondary sucks the trade with the Rams this is what the death of a dream looks like those dreams where people look different but you know it's still them time to grow up too many rules torn Achillies trap games tribalism tuna unheralded heroes valhalla violence terrible violence we are probably fucked weed werewolves wing-t wishy-washy doldrums

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REGGIE ROBY!

Reggie Roby is the human mascot for this blog because while everyone was all up-in-arms about black quarterbacks, he was silently The Black Punter. Not only that though, because he was the best and wore a wristwatch on his arm to create the factoid of hangtime, because he knew his shit, even though it looked like he didn't. Reggie Roby personifies the open-minded know-it-allness punter mentality of The Armchair Linebacker. That's our man.

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