Friday, January 18, 2013

The New Journalism Presents the Transcript of Lance Armstrong's Interview With Oprah

 (Yet again, thanks to for translating this from bullshit to the realest of real talk.)

Oprah Winfrey: Did yo dirty ass eva take banned substizzlez ta enhizzle yo' cyclin performizzle, biatch?

Lizzle Armstrong: "Yes yes y'all."

OW: Was one of em banned substizzlez EPO, biatch?

LA: "Yes yes y'all."

OW: Did yo dirty ass eva blood dope and bust blood transfusions ta enhizzle yo' cyclin performizzle, biatch?
LA: "Yes yes y'all."

OW: Did yo dirty ass eva bust any other banned substizzlez like fuckin testosterone, cortisone and Human Growth Hormone, biatch?

LA: "Yes yes y'all."

OW: In all seven of yo' Tour de Frizzle victories, did you eva take banned substizzlez and blood dope, biatch?

LA: "Yes yes y'all."

OW: Was it humanly possible ta win tha Tour de Frizzle without doping, seven times, biatch?

LA: "Not up in mah opinion. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. That generation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I didn't invent tha culture yo, but I didn't try ta quit tha culture."

OW: For 13 muthafuckin years you didn't just deny it, you brazenly n' defiantly denied everythang you just admitted just now, nahmeean, biatch? Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So why now admit it, biatch?

LA: "That is tha dopest question. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. It aint nuthin but da most thugged-out logical question. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I don't know dat I gots a pimped out answer. I will start mah answer by sayin dat dis is too late. It aint nuthin but too late fo' probably most gangstas, n' thatz mah fault. I viewed dis situation as one big-ass lie dat I repeated a shitload of times, n' as you holla'd, it wasn't as if I just holla'd no n' I moved off dat shit."

OW: Yo ass was defiant, you called other gangstas liars.

LA: "I understand dat fo' realz. And while I lived all up in dis process, especially tha last two years, one year, six months, two, three months, I know tha truth. Da truth aint what tha fuck was up there. Da truth aint what tha fuck I holla'd, n' now itz gone - dis rap was so slick fo' so long fo' realz. And I mean that, as I try ta take mah dirty ass outta tha situation n' I peep dat shit. Yo ass overcome tha disease, you win tha Tour de Frizzle seven times. Yo ass gots a aiiight marriage, you have children. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I mean, itz just dis mythic slick story, n' it wasn't true."

OW: Was it hard ta live up ta dat picture dat was pimped, biatch?

LA: "Impossible. Certainly I be a gangbangin' flawed character, as I well know, n' I couldn't do that."

OW: But didn't you help paint dat picture, biatch?

LA: "Of course, I did. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! And a shitload of gangstas did. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! All tha fault n' all tha blame here falls on mah dirty ass. But behind dat picture n' behind dat rap is momentum. Whether itz hustlas and whether itz tha media, it just gets going. And I lost mah dirty ass up in all of dat shit. I be shizzle there would be other gangstas dat couldn't handle it yo, but I certainly couldn't handle it, n' I was used ta controllin everythang up in mah life. I controlled every last muthafuckin outcome up in mah life."

OW: Yo ass holla'd ta mah crazy ass earlier you don't be thinkin it was possible ta win without doping, biatch?

LA: "Not up in dat generation, n' I be not here ta rap bout others up in dat generation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. It aint nuthin but been well-documented. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I didn't invent tha culture yo, but I didn't try ta quit tha culture, n' thatz mah mistake, n' thatz what tha fuck I have ta be sorry for, n' thatz what tha fuck somethang n' tha shiznit is now payin tha price cuz of dat shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So I be sorry fo' dat shit. I didn't have access ta anythang else dat no muthafucka else did."

OW: Usada issued a 164-page report. CEO Travis Tygart holla'd you n' US Postal crew pulled off da most thugged-out sophisticated, professionizzle n' successful dopin programme shiznit has eva seen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Was it, biatch?

LA: "No. It definitely was professional, n' it was definitely smart, if you can call it dat yo, but it was straight-up conservative, straight-up risk-averse, straight-up aware of what tha fuck mattered. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! One race mattered fo' mah dirty ass. But ta say dat that program was bigger than tha Eastside German dopin program up in tha '70s n' '80s, biatch? Thatz not true."

OW: What was tha culture, biatch? Can you explain tha culture ta us, biatch?

LA: "I don't wanna accuse anybody else. I don't wanna rap bout anybody else. I done cooked up mah decisions. They is mah mistakes, n' I be chillin here todizzle ta acknowledge dat n' ta say I be sorry fo' dat shit. Da culture was what tha fuck it was."

OW: Was all y'all bustin it, biatch? Thatz what tha fuck we've heard. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Was all y'all bustin it, biatch?

LA: "I didn't give a fuck all y'all. I didn't live n' train wit all y'all. I didn't race wit all y'all. I can't say dat shit. There is ghon be gangstas dat say dat shit. There is ghon be gangstas dat say, 'OK, there is 200 pimps on tha tour, I can rap five pimps dat didn't, n' em is tha five heroes', n' they be right."

OW: How tha fuck was you able ta do it, biatch? Walk mah crazy ass all up in dat shit. Pill deliveries, blood up in secret refrigerators… how tha fuck did it work, biatch?

LA: "I viewed it as straight-up simple. There was thangs dat was oxygen-supplyin sticky-icky-ickys dat was beneficial fo' cycling. My fuckin cocktail was EPO yo, but not a lot, transfusions n' testosterone.
"I thought, surely I be hustlin low [on testosterone followin tha cizzla battle] but therez no true justification."

OW: Were you afraid of gettin caught, biatch? In 1999 there was not even a test fo' EPO...

LA: "No. Testin has evolved. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Back then they didn't come ta yo' doggy den n' there was no testin outta competizzle n' fo' most of mah game there wasn't dat much out-of-competizzle testin so yo ass is not goin ta git caught cuz you clean up fo' tha races.
"It aint nuthin but a question of scheduling. That soundz weird. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be no hustla of tha UCI but tha introduction of tha biological passhiznit [in 2008] worked. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!
"I be payin tha price n' I deserve this. Thatz aiiight. I deserve dat shit.
"My fuckin ruthless desire ta win at all costs served mah crazy ass well on tha bike but tha level it went to, fo' whatever reason, be a gangbangin' flaw. That desire, dat attitude, dat arrogizzle."

OW: When you placed third up in 2009, you did not dope, biatch?

LA: "Da last time I crossed dat line was 2005."

OW: Do dat include blood transfusions, biatch? No dopin and blood transfusions up in 2009… 2010, biatch?

LA: "Absolutely not."

OW: Were you tha one up in charge, biatch?

LA: "I was tha top rider, tha leader of tha crew."

OW: If some muthafucka was not bustin somethang ta yo' satisfaction could you git em fired, biatch?

LA: "No. I guess I could have but I never did. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I was tha leader of tha crew n' tha leader leadz by example. There was never a thugged-out direct order. That never happened. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Our thugged-out asses was all grown pimps n' done cooked up our chizzles. There was crew-mates whoz ass didn't dope."

OW: One forma crew-mate, Christian Vande Velde, busted some lyrics ta Usada you threatened ta kick his ass off tha crew if he didn't shape up n' conform ta tha dopin programme, biatch?

LA: "Thatz not true. There was a level of expectation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Our thugged-out asses expected pimps ta be fit ta be able ta compete. I be not da most thugged-out believable playa up in tha ghetto muthafuckin right now, nahmeean, biatch? If I do it I be leadin by example so thatz a problem.
"I view one as a verbal directizzle n' dat didn't exist. I take dat shit. Da leader of tha crew, tha playa dat mah crew-mates looked up to, I accept dat 100%. I care a shitload bout Christian but when you go on ta other crews n' sheezy tha same stupid-ass behaviour..."

OW: Were you a funky-ass bully, biatch?

LA: "Yes, I was a funky-ass bully. I was a funky-ass bully up in tha sense dat I tried ta control tha narratizzle n' if I didn't like what tha fuck some muthafucka holla'd I turned on them."

OW: Is dat yo' nature - when some muthafucka says somethang you don't like, you go on attack, biatch? Have you been like dat yo' entire thuglife - 10-years-old, 12-years-old n' 14-years-old, biatch?

LA: "My fuckin entire life. Before mah diagnosis I was a cold-ass lil competitor but not a fierce competitor. When I was diagnosed, dat turned mah crazy ass tha fuck into a gangbangin' fighter. That was phat. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I took dat ruthless win-at-all-costs attitude tha fuck into cyclin which was bad."

OW: How tha fuck blingin was ballin ta you n' would you do anythang ta win at all costs, biatch?

LA: "It was win at all costs. When I was diagnosed (with cizzler) I would do anythang ta survive. I took dat attitude - win at all costs - ta cycling. Thatz bad. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I was takin sticky-icky-ickys before dat but I wasn't a funky-ass bully."

OW: To keep on ballin it meant you had ta keep takin banned substizzlez ta do it, biatch? Is you sayin thatz how tha fuck common it was, biatch?

LA: "Yes, n' I be not shizzle dat dis be a acceptable answer yo, but thatz like sayin our crazy-ass asses have ta have air up in our tyres and our crazy-ass asses have ta have gin n juice up in our fortys. That was, up in mah view, part of tha thang."

OW: When you peep dat do you feel embarrassed, shame, humble, tell mah crazy ass what tha fuck you feel, biatch?

LA: "This is tha second time up in mah thuglife when I can't control tha outcome. Da first was tha disease. Da scary muthafuckin thang is, ballin seven Tour de Frizzles, I knew I was goin ta win."

OW: Was there happinizz up in ballin when you knew you was takin these banned substizzles, biatch?

LA: "There was mo' happinizz up in tha process, up in tha build, up in tha preparation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da ballin was almost phoned in."

OW: Was it a funky-ass big-ass deal ta you, did it feel wrong, biatch?

LA: "No. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Scary."

OW: It did not even feel wrong, biatch?

LA: "No. Even scarier."

OW: Did yo dirty ass feel bad bout it, biatch?

LA: "No. Da scariest."

OW: Did yo dirty ass feel up in any way dat you was cheatin, biatch? Yo ass did not feel you was cheatin takin banned sticky-icky-ickys, biatch?

LA: "At tha time, no. I kept hearin I be a thugged-out sticky-icky-icky cheat, I be a cold-ass lil cheat, I be a cheater. I went up in n' just looked up tha definizzle of cheat n' tha definizzle of cheat is ta bust a advantage on a rival and foe dat they don't have. I didn't view it dat way. I viewed it as a level playin field."

OW: But you knew dat you was held ta a higher standard. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! You're Lizzle Armstrong.

LA: "I knew that, n' of course hindsight is perfect. I know it a thousand times mo' now, nahmeean, biatch? I didn't give a fuck what tha fuck I had. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Look all up in tha fallout."

OW: What do you mean by you 'didn't give a fuck', biatch? I don't be thinkin gangstas will understand what tha fuck yo ass is saying. When you n' I kicked it wit a week ago you didn't be thinkin it was dat big, biatch? How tha fuck could you not, biatch?

LA: "I peep tha anger up in gangstas, betrayal, itz all there. Muthafuckas whoz ass believed up in mah crazy ass n' supported mah crazy ass n' they have every last muthafuckin muthafuckin right ta feel betrayed n' itz mah fault n' I be bout ta spend tha rest of mah thuglife tryin togit back trust n' apologise ta gangstas."

OW: Yo ass never offered it [performizzle-enhancin sticky-icky-ickys] ta em [crew-mates], suggested they peep Dr Michele Ferrari, biatch?

LA: "There is gangstas up in dis story, they is phat gangstas, we've all done cooked up mistakes, they is not toxic n' evil. I viewed Dr Michele Ferrari as a phat playa n' I still do."

OW: Was he tha leader n' mastermind behind tha crewz dopin programme, biatch? How tha fuck would you characterise his crazy-ass muthafuckin influence on tha crew, biatch?

LA: "No. I be not laid back rappin' bout other gangstas. It aint nuthin but all up there."

OW: Dizzy Walsh of tha Sundizzle Times up in London holla'd yo' relationshizzle wit Ferrari immediately dialled suspicion on yo thugged-out ass. Can you peep dat relationshizzle was reckless, biatch?

LA: "There was nuff other reckless thangs. That would be a straight-up phat way ta characterise dat period of mah life."

OW: What bout tha rap [masseuse] Emma O'Reilly drops some lyrics ta bout cortisone n' you havin cortisone backdated - is dat true, biatch?

LA: "That was true."

OW: What do you wanna say bout Emma O'Reilly, biatch? Yo ass sued her, biatch?

LA: "Emma O'Reilly is one of these gangstas I have ta apologise to. Our thugged-out asses ran over her, our crazy-ass asses bullied her muthafuckin ass."

OW: Yo ass sued her, biatch?

LA: "To be honest, Oprah, our crazy-ass asses sued all kindsa muthafuckin gangstas I don't even [know]. I be shizzle our crazy-ass asses did."

OW: When gangstas was sayin thangs - Walsh, O'Reilly, Betsy Andreu [ho of forma crew-mate Frankie Andreu] n' nuff others - you would then go on tha battle fo' them, suin n' know they was spittin some lyrics ta tha truth. What tha fuck iz that, biatch?

LA: "When I hear dat there is gangstas whoz ass will never believe mah crazy ass I understand dat shit. One of tha stepz of dis process is ta say sorry. I was wrong, you was right."

OW: Have you called Betsy Andreu, biatch? Did her ass take yo' call, biatch? Was her ass spittin some lyrics ta tha truth bout tha Indiana hospizitizzle, overhearin you up in 1996, biatch? Was Betsy lying, biatch?

LA: "I be not goin ta take dat on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I be layin down on dat one. I be goin ta put dat one down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch axed me, n' I axed her not ta rap bout dat shit."

OW: Is it well wit two of yo slick ass, biatch? Have you done cooked up peace, biatch?

LA: "Fuck dat shit, cuz they've been hurt too badly, n' a 40-minute [phone] conversation aint enough."

OW: [With] Emma you implied tha 'whore' word. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! How tha fuck do you feel bout dat todizzle, biatch? Were you tryin ta put her down, biatch? Shut her up, biatch?

LA: "I don't feel phat. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I was just on tha attack. Da territory was bein threatened. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da crew was bein threatened. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I was on tha attack."

OW: This is tha clip I just cannot reconcile [ballin rap afta seventh Tour de Frizzle win]… What was you tryin ta accomplish there, biatch?

LA: "I've done cooked up some mistakes up in mah thuglife n' dat was a mistake (standin on podium afta ballin 2005 Tour de Frizzle n' sayin "believe up in miracles").

OW: Were you particularly tryin ta rub it up in tha facez of em whoz ass came up against you n' say they was lyin - was you addressin them, biatch? What was you sayin dat for, biatch?

LA: "That was tha straight-up original gangsta year they gave tha mic ta tha winner of tha Tour n' I was wonderin what tha fuck I was goin ta say. That just came out. Lookin back at it now, it looks ridiculous."

OW: Yo ass holla'd dozenz of times up in rap battlez you never failed a test. Do you gots a thugged-out different answer todizzle, biatch?

LA: "No I didn't fail a test. Retroactively, I failed one. Da hundredz of tests I took, I passed them. There was retroactizzle shiznit later on."

OW: What bout tha Tour de Suisse [in 2001], biatch?

LA: "That rap aint true. There was no positizzle test. No payin off of tha lab. Da UCI did not make dat go away. I be no hustla of tha UCI.

OW: Yo ass done cooked up a thugged-out donation ta tha UCI n' holla'd dat donation was bout helpin anti-dopin efforts. Obviously it was not. Why did you make dat donation, biatch?

LA: "It was not up in exchange fo' help. They called n' holla'd they didn't gots a shitload of scrilla - I did. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! They axed if I would cook up a thugged-out donation so I did."

OW: Many gangstas feel tha real tippin point was [forma crew-mate] Floyd Landisz decision ta come forward n' confess, biatch?

LA: "My fuckin comeback didn't sit well wit Floyd."

OW: Do you remember where you was when you heard Floyd, a gangbangin' forma crew-mate n' protege, was goin ta talk, biatch?

LA: "I was up in a hotel room (upon hearin Landis would reveal detailz of Armstrongz doping). Floyd was bustin text lyrics bout his crazy-ass muthafuckin rap battle. I finally holla'd 'do what tha fuck you have ta do' yo. Dude went ta tha Wall Street Journal wit tha story."

OW: Did yo dirty ass rebuff him, would you say you rebuffed Floyd, biatch? Did yo dirty ass rebuff his ass afta he was stripped of his Tour win, did you just blow his ass off, biatch?

LA: "Up ta dat point I supported his ass when he tested positive. I tried ta keep his ass on mah crew cuz he knew what tha fuck others didn't. I didn't shun his muthafuckin ass."

OW: So dat was tha tippin point fo' realz. And yo' comeback was also a tippin point. Do you regret comin back, biatch?

LA: "I do. Our thugged-out asses wouldn't be chillin here if I didn't come back."

OW: Yo ass would have gotten away wit it, biatch?

LA: "Impossible ta say, there would done been mo' betta chizzlez but I didn't."

OW: Did yo dirty ass not always be thinkin dis dizzle was coming, biatch? Did yo dirty ass not be thinkin you would be found up at some point, especially as all kindsa muthafuckin gangstas knew, biatch?

LA: "I just assumed tha stories would continue fo' a long-ass time. We're chillin here cuz there was a two-year criminal federal investigation."

OW: When tha Department of Justice dropped tha case, did you be thinkin 'now finally itz over, done, victory', biatch? Yo ass thought you was outta tha woods; tha wolves had left tha door, biatch?

LA: "I thought I was outta tha woodz fo' realz. And em was some straight-up wolves."

OW: What was tha erection when you hustled Usada was goin ta pick up tha case n' pursue tha case against yo slick ass, biatch?

LA: "My fuckin erection was ta fight back. I'd do anythang ta go back ta dat day. I wouldn't fight. I wouldn't sue them. I'd listen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I'd say guys, granted I was treated differently ta other guys. Treated differently up in dat I wasn't approached all up in tha same stupid-ass time as other riders.
"They gathered all of tha evidence n' they came ta mah crazy ass n' holla'd what tha fuck is you goin ta do, biatch? Goin back I'd say 'give mah crazy ass three days. Let mah crazy ass call mah family, mah mutha, sponsors, foundation' n' I wish I could do dat but I can't."

OW: Will you co-operate wit Usada ta help clear up tha shiznit of cycling, biatch?

LA: "I ludd cyclin n' I say dat knowin dat gangstas peep mah crazy ass as some muthafucka whoz ass disrespected tha sport, tha colour yellow. If our crazy-ass asses can, n' I stand on no moral platform here, if there was truth n' reconciliation commission - n' I can't call fo' dat - if they have it n' I be invited I be bout ta be first playa all up in tha door."

OW: When you heard dat [forma crew-mate] George Hincapie had been called ta reprazent by Usada, did you feel dat was tha last card up in dis deck, tha last straw, biatch?

LA: "My fuckin fate was sealed [by George]. If George didn't say it then gangstas would say 'I be stickin wit Lizzle'. George is da most thugged-out credible voice up in all of this. We're still pimped out playas. I don't fault George. George knows dis rap mo' betta than anybody."


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