"I'mma bring what I always bring - Touchdowns."The year was 2001. The 21st century in the Age of Men had begun, and for the Chicago Bears football team, it was a time of renewal. Jerry Angelo had taken over as the team's general manager, and the time of Dick Jauron was soon drawing to a close. Elsewhere in the league, Kurt Warner was hailed as a beacon of hope for grocery store baggers everywhere, but unbeknownst to him, a terrible and dark power was gathering its strength in the East.
"Shiiiiire... Baaaggiiiins..."
"Shiiiiire... Baaaggiiiins..."But returning to the City of Wind, the new century brought new hope. Unfortunately for that hope, it also brought more early-round draft picks.
2001: First Round - David Terrell (WR), Second Round - Anthony Thomas (RB) - Marcus Robinson had started down the road of career-long injury problems, Marty Booker hadn't become good yet, and Dez White and D'Wayne Bates never really were anything special, so they grabbed Terrell in the first round to recreate the semi-success of previous USC dude Curtis Conway. Today, Conway is like 40 something years old and hasn't played in five years, but he's still probably better now than David Terrell was then. He spent a few years being outplayed by superstars like Justin Gage and Bobby Wade, acting like his first name was his last name and last name was Owens the whole time, (what) before failing out of the NFL in 2005. Anthony Thomas, on the other hand, emerged as a star in his rookie year, breaking the team's rookie rushing record and becoming famous statewide as "The A-Train." He never really recreated the magic after that, though, and despite another 1,000 yard year in 2003, he got replaced by Thomas Jones in 2004, and was never really heard from again. Such is the way of the Chicago draft.
Dudes we could have had instead: Dan Morgan, Santana Moss, Steve Hutchinson, Drew Brees, Deuce McAllister, Chad Johnson-Ochocinco
Notable dudes we got in later rounds: (I'm gonna edit the last post and add this to it, so stay alert) Well... No one. Shit.
2002: First round - Marc Colombo, no second round pick - This was a particularly damaging pick to the future (and present) of this football team. Colombo was brought in to take over for exiting man-beast and fan favorite James Williams at left tackle, and things started pretty well, until the hideously horrible crippling knee injury he sustained a few games in. He went on to miss most or all of three seasons, only to be cut almost immediately after making a full recovery. Then, while the Bears floundered with assholes like John St. Clair and Fred Miller in his would-be spot, he's been a solid-ass starter for some Dallas Cowboy teams that have been a lot better than the ones the Bears have put together over the same time. He also found the time to start a truly awfully shitty-shitty heavy metal band. Meanwhile, the disaster of his pick and subsequent injury shell-shocked Jerry Angelo so bad that he became fully against drafting offensive linemen with high-round picks (or even at all), until drafting Chris Williams six years later. In the meantime, Bear skill position players had absolute hell to pay, and still do, as long as Frank Omiyale stays on the field.
Dudes we could have had: Andre Gurode, LeCharles Bentley, Clinton Portis, Brian Westbrook
Notable dudes we got in later rounds: Alex Brown, Bobby Gray, Adrian Peterson
2003: First Round - Michael Haynes (DE), Rex Grossman (QB), Second Round - Charles Tillman (CB) - ...And our misfortune became complete. Michael Haynes came from a real college and was a real defensive end, but ended up just being John Thierry, version 2.0. Dependably average Phillip Daniels was cut loose to make room for this dude, and in the end, he spent his rookie year backing up out-of-position defensive tackle Bryan Robinson, and faced with the dark spectre of Haynes starting in 2004, Lovie Smith freaked out and traded for Adewale Ogunleye to keep him off the field. Then, there's Rex Grossman, and for my feelings on him, I'm just going to quote a post from before the season started:
Dudes we could have had: Troy Polamalu, Dallas Clark, Nnamdi Asomugha, Anquan Boldin, Osi Umenyiora, Jason Witten
Notable dudes we got in later rounds: Lance Briggs, Ian Scott, Justin Gage
2004: First round - Tommie Harris (DT), Second round - Terry "Tank" Johnson (DT) - Tommie Harris is a hard one to call. On one hand, when he's healthy and actually trying, he's a disruptive force and one of the best defensive tackles in pro football. On the other hand, he hasn't been healthy or motivated in a long, long time, so he's been pretty lousy for several years now. Tank Johnson, on the other hand, is a pretty easy one. He was a dude who came in with a rap sheet a mile long, never amounted to much on the field, and got shown the door after a handful of arrests and suspensions. The funny part there is that on the day he was cut, know-it-all media types everywhere proclaimed that to be the death of the Bears' defense, completely forgetting that Tank spent his Bears career either suspended or backing up Ian Scott and Alphonso Boone. The more he fucked up, the better people claimed he was. Maybe if he had actually shot someone, they would have voted him to the All Pro team.
Dudes we could have had: Will Smith, Vince Wilfork, Stephen Jackson, Chris Cooley, Jared Allen
Notable dudes we got in later rounds: Bernard Berrian, Nathan Vasher
2005: first round - Cedric Benson (RB), Second round - Mark Bradley (WR) - God damn you to hell, Cedric Benson. Eat a rotten dick. I think I've said all that needs to be said on him. Bradley was a dude with a lot of promise who seemed to get hurt every time he started to deliver on it, then spent a couple years in the doghouse, not being allowed to play even when healthy, supposedly because he did an unflattering Lovie Smith impression. In conclusion, fuck Cedric Benson.
Dudes we could have had: Antrel Rolle, Demarcus Ware, Shawne Merriman, Aaron Rodgers, Roddy White, Lofa Tatupu
Notable dudes we got in later rounds: Kyle Orton, Chris Harris
2006: No first round pick, Second round - Danieal Manning (S), Devin Hester - (CB/WR) - The Manning pick was absolutely inexplicable. We traded out of the first round and ended up with a pretty high second round pick as a result, and all they could think to do with it was draft a questionable safety from an unknown college who probably would have been available in the fifth round or even as an undrafted free agent. He's been a solid kickoff return man, but hell, you can get one of those in the fifth round or as an undrafted free agent usually. On defense, his natural dumbassitude leave him unable to cover receivers or handle running plays, but he's displayed a knack for making hella-sacks on safety blitzes. Which is something, blah blah, fifth round, blah blah, etc. Hester is another kick returner, and from 2006 to 2007, he was the best the NFL had ever seen, running 12 kicks back in two years, when the career record was 13. Then... Well, they tried to make him a wide receiver. And in doing that, they destroyed the greatest return man of all time and turned him into a fair/average #3 slot receiver kind of guy. It was like painting over the Mona Lisa to make a shitty Twilight-themed painting to sell on Etsy. And now, he's more than likely backing up a dude that the Dolphins drafted in the seventh round. Fuck.
Dudes we could have had: DeAngelo Williams, Nick Mangold, DeMeco Ryans, Maurice Jones-Drew
Notable dudes we got later: Jamar Williams, Mark Anderson
2007: First Round - Greg Olsen (TE), Second round - Dan Bazuin (DE) - Greg Olsen was a perfectly fine pick, available at the end of the first round when a lot of folks said he'd be gone in the top fifteen or so. He hasn't played like a complete superstar or anything, but he's the first Bear who's even sniffed a Pro Bowl invite as long as I've lived. Bazuin, though... Fuuuuck. Jerry Angelo got a boner for undersized project defensive ends after Mark Anderson's rookie year, and forgetting that you only need one of those, they got this turd. He was such an unimportant player from such an unimportant school that on draft day, ESPN didn't even have footage of the fucker, and every sentence said about him included a chuckle and the words "undrafted free agent." And the worst part?We traded down in the second round, sending our second rounder to the Chargers. Our second rounder we got from the Jets a bit earlier. What I'm trying in a roundabout way to say is that one way or another, we traded Thomas Jones to the Jets for this asshole. Thomas Jones, the only offensive threat on the team, and the only player to challenge Neal Anderson for the title of best Bear running back in the post-Payton world. For a guy we had to throw on injured reserve to avoid the embarrassment of cutting him before his rookie year. Jesus shit fuck.
Dudes we could have had: Sidney Rice, Lamarr Woodley, Steve Smith, Ryan Kalil, Thomas fucking Jones
Notable dudes we got later: Garrett Wolfe, Kevin Payne, Corey Graham, Josh Beekman (ouch)
2008: First round - Chris Williams (OT), Second round - Matt Forte (RB) - Chris Williams was a baffling and even infuriating pick for about a year. He was a dude with some severe back injury issues who was drafted with other, more highly-touted dudes from the same position still on the board, and sure enough, he missed half his rookie year after back surgery. In 2009, he lined up unnaturally on the right side and struggled like a mofo, but after the sad tale of Orlando Pace came to a close, he moved to the left tackle spot and became a vicious monster, erasing Jared Goddamn Allen from an entire game. It's still too soon to give a final grade to this guy, but he's one of the few things that gives me hope in 2010. Matt Forte's pick baffled a lot of others, but he ended up being the Bears only offensive threat in 2008 and only missing out on rookie of the year honors because Matt Ryan happened. 2009 was rough on the dude, though, and he's reduced to a timeshare kinda deal with Chester Taylor now. Which is good for him, as they ran him to absolute death in '08.
Dudes we could have had: Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Chris Johnson, Mike Jenkins, DeSean Jackson, Ray Rice
Notable dudes we got later: Earl Bennett, Zack Bowman, Marcus Harrison
2009/2010: No first round pick OR second round pick. - With the Bears trading for Jay Cutler, the twilight of Gaines Adams, and some random later picks, there's been nothing happening for the Bears in the two big rounds for two years now. On one hand, this is stupid and ignorant, because the early rounds are where you find those once in a lifetime superstars you build a team around. On the other, this is shrewd as hell, because there's almost no way the Bears would have gotten anyone actually worth taking that high, and we've got enough half-assed players from Northeast Sonoma County Dental Seminary or what the fuck ever. I'm sure this acceptance of non-drafting is just some sort of coping mechanism for my team's retardation, but you can't be a real football fan without heavy amounts of denial, so it works for me. Go Bears!
Dudes we could have had instead: Percy Harvin, Clay Matthews Jr., Jairus Byrd, a bunch of 2010 dudes
Notable dudes we got in later rounds: Johnny Knox, Al Afalava, hopefully more dudes tomorrow and Saturday.
Next time: Probably some ill-informed shit about the new rookie dudes.
2001: First Round - David Terrell (WR), Second Round - Anthony Thomas (RB) - Marcus Robinson had started down the road of career-long injury problems, Marty Booker hadn't become good yet, and Dez White and D'Wayne Bates never really were anything special, so they grabbed Terrell in the first round to recreate the semi-success of previous USC dude Curtis Conway. Today, Conway is like 40 something years old and hasn't played in five years, but he's still probably better now than David Terrell was then. He spent a few years being outplayed by superstars like Justin Gage and Bobby Wade, acting like his first name was his last name and last name was Owens the whole time, (what) before failing out of the NFL in 2005. Anthony Thomas, on the other hand, emerged as a star in his rookie year, breaking the team's rookie rushing record and becoming famous statewide as "The A-Train." He never really recreated the magic after that, though, and despite another 1,000 yard year in 2003, he got replaced by Thomas Jones in 2004, and was never really heard from again. Such is the way of the Chicago draft.
Dudes we could have had instead: Dan Morgan, Santana Moss, Steve Hutchinson, Drew Brees, Deuce McAllister, Chad Johnson-Ochocinco
Notable dudes we got in later rounds: (I'm gonna edit the last post and add this to it, so stay alert) Well... No one. Shit.
2002: First round - Marc Colombo, no second round pick - This was a particularly damaging pick to the future (and present) of this football team. Colombo was brought in to take over for exiting man-beast and fan favorite James Williams at left tackle, and things started pretty well, until the hideously horrible crippling knee injury he sustained a few games in. He went on to miss most or all of three seasons, only to be cut almost immediately after making a full recovery. Then, while the Bears floundered with assholes like John St. Clair and Fred Miller in his would-be spot, he's been a solid-ass starter for some Dallas Cowboy teams that have been a lot better than the ones the Bears have put together over the same time. He also found the time to start a truly awfully shitty-shitty heavy metal band. Meanwhile, the disaster of his pick and subsequent injury shell-shocked Jerry Angelo so bad that he became fully against drafting offensive linemen with high-round picks (or even at all), until drafting Chris Williams six years later. In the meantime, Bear skill position players had absolute hell to pay, and still do, as long as Frank Omiyale stays on the field.Dudes we could have had: Andre Gurode, LeCharles Bentley, Clinton Portis, Brian Westbrook
Notable dudes we got in later rounds: Alex Brown, Bobby Gray, Adrian Peterson
2003: First Round - Michael Haynes (DE), Rex Grossman (QB), Second Round - Charles Tillman (CB) - ...And our misfortune became complete. Michael Haynes came from a real college and was a real defensive end, but ended up just being John Thierry, version 2.0. Dependably average Phillip Daniels was cut loose to make room for this dude, and in the end, he spent his rookie year backing up out-of-position defensive tackle Bryan Robinson, and faced with the dark spectre of Haynes starting in 2004, Lovie Smith freaked out and traded for Adewale Ogunleye to keep him off the field. Then, there's Rex Grossman, and for my feelings on him, I'm just going to quote a post from before the season started:
Fuck you, Rex Grossman. Fuck you in the ass. Fuck your stupid face, your stupid "cannon arm," fuck the stupid way you helped piss away the only Chicago Bears Super Bowl appearance I'll see before I'm sixty, throwing the ball to no one in particular and not being able to take a snap from your six-time Pro Bowl center, and fuck you, stupid. You swine. I challenge you to pistols at dawn, and I will kill you, Rex Grossman. Eat a bag of dicks. I wish you ill, Rex Grossman. Have fun backing up Dan Stupid Orlovski, and rest easy in the knowledge that planning your stupid goddamn New Years party at least won't cost the Texans any games, you cur. Hey. Hey. Hey, Rex Grossman. Screw you, Rex Grossman.So yeah. The first round of 2003 was not our finest hour, but Grossman is the Redskins' problem now, and I'm sure Haynes is busy somewhere with the leftovers from his goddamn signing bonus, so I'm over it, I guess. Meanwhile Charles Tillman was a perfectly fine pick, being a rough-ass, fumble-forcing corner with some magical ability to take Randy Moss out of games completely, even after being completely confounded when faced with other star receivers. This became less useful after Moss left Minnesota, but it's something to hang your hat on, I guess.
Dudes we could have had: Troy Polamalu, Dallas Clark, Nnamdi Asomugha, Anquan Boldin, Osi Umenyiora, Jason Witten
Notable dudes we got in later rounds: Lance Briggs, Ian Scott, Justin Gage
2004: First round - Tommie Harris (DT), Second round - Terry "Tank" Johnson (DT) - Tommie Harris is a hard one to call. On one hand, when he's healthy and actually trying, he's a disruptive force and one of the best defensive tackles in pro football. On the other hand, he hasn't been healthy or motivated in a long, long time, so he's been pretty lousy for several years now. Tank Johnson, on the other hand, is a pretty easy one. He was a dude who came in with a rap sheet a mile long, never amounted to much on the field, and got shown the door after a handful of arrests and suspensions. The funny part there is that on the day he was cut, know-it-all media types everywhere proclaimed that to be the death of the Bears' defense, completely forgetting that Tank spent his Bears career either suspended or backing up Ian Scott and Alphonso Boone. The more he fucked up, the better people claimed he was. Maybe if he had actually shot someone, they would have voted him to the All Pro team.Dudes we could have had: Will Smith, Vince Wilfork, Stephen Jackson, Chris Cooley, Jared Allen
Notable dudes we got in later rounds: Bernard Berrian, Nathan Vasher
2005: first round - Cedric Benson (RB), Second round - Mark Bradley (WR) - God damn you to hell, Cedric Benson. Eat a rotten dick. I think I've said all that needs to be said on him. Bradley was a dude with a lot of promise who seemed to get hurt every time he started to deliver on it, then spent a couple years in the doghouse, not being allowed to play even when healthy, supposedly because he did an unflattering Lovie Smith impression. In conclusion, fuck Cedric Benson.
Dudes we could have had: Antrel Rolle, Demarcus Ware, Shawne Merriman, Aaron Rodgers, Roddy White, Lofa Tatupu
Notable dudes we got in later rounds: Kyle Orton, Chris Harris
2006: No first round pick, Second round - Danieal Manning (S), Devin Hester - (CB/WR) - The Manning pick was absolutely inexplicable. We traded out of the first round and ended up with a pretty high second round pick as a result, and all they could think to do with it was draft a questionable safety from an unknown college who probably would have been available in the fifth round or even as an undrafted free agent. He's been a solid kickoff return man, but hell, you can get one of those in the fifth round or as an undrafted free agent usually. On defense, his natural dumbassitude leave him unable to cover receivers or handle running plays, but he's displayed a knack for making hella-sacks on safety blitzes. Which is something, blah blah, fifth round, blah blah, etc. Hester is another kick returner, and from 2006 to 2007, he was the best the NFL had ever seen, running 12 kicks back in two years, when the career record was 13. Then... Well, they tried to make him a wide receiver. And in doing that, they destroyed the greatest return man of all time and turned him into a fair/average #3 slot receiver kind of guy. It was like painting over the Mona Lisa to make a shitty Twilight-themed painting to sell on Etsy. And now, he's more than likely backing up a dude that the Dolphins drafted in the seventh round. Fuck.Dudes we could have had: DeAngelo Williams, Nick Mangold, DeMeco Ryans, Maurice Jones-Drew
Notable dudes we got later: Jamar Williams, Mark Anderson
2007: First Round - Greg Olsen (TE), Second round - Dan Bazuin (DE) - Greg Olsen was a perfectly fine pick, available at the end of the first round when a lot of folks said he'd be gone in the top fifteen or so. He hasn't played like a complete superstar or anything, but he's the first Bear who's even sniffed a Pro Bowl invite as long as I've lived. Bazuin, though... Fuuuuck. Jerry Angelo got a boner for undersized project defensive ends after Mark Anderson's rookie year, and forgetting that you only need one of those, they got this turd. He was such an unimportant player from such an unimportant school that on draft day, ESPN didn't even have footage of the fucker, and every sentence said about him included a chuckle and the words "undrafted free agent." And the worst part?We traded down in the second round, sending our second rounder to the Chargers. Our second rounder we got from the Jets a bit earlier. What I'm trying in a roundabout way to say is that one way or another, we traded Thomas Jones to the Jets for this asshole. Thomas Jones, the only offensive threat on the team, and the only player to challenge Neal Anderson for the title of best Bear running back in the post-Payton world. For a guy we had to throw on injured reserve to avoid the embarrassment of cutting him before his rookie year. Jesus shit fuck.
Dudes we could have had: Sidney Rice, Lamarr Woodley, Steve Smith, Ryan Kalil, Thomas fucking Jones
Notable dudes we got later: Garrett Wolfe, Kevin Payne, Corey Graham, Josh Beekman (ouch)
2008: First round - Chris Williams (OT), Second round - Matt Forte (RB) - Chris Williams was a baffling and even infuriating pick for about a year. He was a dude with some severe back injury issues who was drafted with other, more highly-touted dudes from the same position still on the board, and sure enough, he missed half his rookie year after back surgery. In 2009, he lined up unnaturally on the right side and struggled like a mofo, but after the sad tale of Orlando Pace came to a close, he moved to the left tackle spot and became a vicious monster, erasing Jared Goddamn Allen from an entire game. It's still too soon to give a final grade to this guy, but he's one of the few things that gives me hope in 2010. Matt Forte's pick baffled a lot of others, but he ended up being the Bears only offensive threat in 2008 and only missing out on rookie of the year honors because Matt Ryan happened. 2009 was rough on the dude, though, and he's reduced to a timeshare kinda deal with Chester Taylor now. Which is good for him, as they ran him to absolute death in '08.Dudes we could have had: Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Chris Johnson, Mike Jenkins, DeSean Jackson, Ray Rice
Notable dudes we got later: Earl Bennett, Zack Bowman, Marcus Harrison
2009/2010: No first round pick OR second round pick. - With the Bears trading for Jay Cutler, the twilight of Gaines Adams, and some random later picks, there's been nothing happening for the Bears in the two big rounds for two years now. On one hand, this is stupid and ignorant, because the early rounds are where you find those once in a lifetime superstars you build a team around. On the other, this is shrewd as hell, because there's almost no way the Bears would have gotten anyone actually worth taking that high, and we've got enough half-assed players from Northeast Sonoma County Dental Seminary or what the fuck ever. I'm sure this acceptance of non-drafting is just some sort of coping mechanism for my team's retardation, but you can't be a real football fan without heavy amounts of denial, so it works for me. Go Bears!
Dudes we could have had instead: Percy Harvin, Clay Matthews Jr., Jairus Byrd, a bunch of 2010 dudes
Notable dudes we got in later rounds: Johnny Knox, Al Afalava, hopefully more dudes tomorrow and Saturday.
Next time: Probably some ill-informed shit about the new rookie dudes.
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