Sunday, September 20, 2009

Self Loathing Bears Fan with Low Self Worth: Season 1

Hi, I'm Mike Dikk. Lets all pretend that we know me even if you don't. Raven and I invented this website back in 1984 and then I made the logo and never wrote anything on it because I cannot write about sports in an informative way.

Anyway, my partner Raven C. Mack LLC, once again begggggggged me to write for this bullshit website for this season of the American Football and let's be serious guys, when I'm not sifting through my TONS of mail, like my Dollar Tree circulars and Chinese food establishment menus, I wipe my butts with websites like this, so I was planning on blowing him off again because, fuck him. I made the god damn logo for this site!!! What more does he want?

Then today after reading and replying to the hoards of e-mails from my Mom (I have relatives, go figure), I was inspired to make my return/debut to this shitpile that no one reads but now they have a reason to read it because *****I***** am here finally and that's really what the 7 closetcase spazzoids were waitng for. Some fat dude to come back and write gay shit.

Ok so, here's the deal, I already hate football because I'm a Bears fan and, did you see the game last week? It was like a Lady Gaga in a Lady Gagaing contest! I mean for real guys! COME ON SERIOUSLY!!! So I'm not going to come on here and tell you about who the bears 4th string Mid-back is because I don't even know because I'm too busy with my e-mails, remember? I will come on here every Sunday when I wake up early for no fucking reason and write bullshit. I have an actual job in real life and at least one girlfriend, and then real life friends, and like 14 other things so during the week is off limits (I mean some of us are even busier than me, what with their mail from american film companies and all!), and then there's the fact that I don't even like Raven anymore and does John Dawson write on here? Because he's a fag too.

I forgot what I was talking about because I'm way up my own ass and it's hard to read because it's so dark. Without further ado, this is how I feel about the Bears right now for the week of September 20something (Cant check the date. too busy mailling my Gammy the coupon for a free breadsticks from Dominos I got personally delivered to *me*), Week 2 of NFL Football:

I am already afraid to talk about football with people in real life because of how shitty Jay Cutler did and the Urlacher injury so I'm currently treating Football as if It were my ex-girlfriend who just told me she had AIDS. I'm probably gonna skip watching this week because I don't want to have to repeatedly punch myself in the dick while listening to 'Goodbye Horses' as I cry myself to sleep. The only thing that can save this season for me is if someone from the Bears critically injures Favre and his limbs fall off like on Mutant League Football. Ok now at least no one still has a reason to read this blog.

1 comment:

Dart Adams said...

I tore myself away from watching the Red Sox long enough to comment on your post. You should feel honored. No, I'm serious. You should.