Sunday, September 20, 2009

Just End The Season 4: The Phantom Menace

Let's rehash some history, shall we? When this site was started way back in 1984 I was there. Check the record. Last year, when I was unceremoniously pushed out before I could even make my final post of the season I wasn't even informed of the decision first. Then I was asked to come back for this season. Even though I was shit on the previous year, I still did so. I was also turned into a pariah because I decided to write about my team's inconsistencies and the fact that they weren't an elite squad or championship material (the only thing that matters to Boston sports fans). Given the events that transpired today what do you think I'm gonna write about?

The first half was a comedy of errors. A field goal contest. There were more dropped balls than a high school boys locker room [II]. Tom Brady looked drunk out there on the field. The running game was inconsistent. The Patriots failed time and again to punch it in the end zone. The Jets were doing absolutely nothing but the Patriots were completely incapable of pulling away. The Jets schemed and game planned their asses off. They wanted to not only beat but embarrass the hated New England Patriots. The Patriots would've loved to bury the Jets...too bad Bill Belichick hasn't been able to build a time machine so that could happen. At the half, the score was 9-3 Patriots. The Patriots looked like shit. Why do these NFL analysts still think they're any good? Nostalgia? The cool ass uniforms? It's beyond me.

Mark Sanchez started letting it fly with surprising results in the second half. The running game was finding holes and breaking big gains. That vaunted (?) Patriots D that looks so good on paper was looking like White girl ass in spandex previous to 1994 (the first year on record where the PAWG phenomenon began). The Jets marched down the field and got a touchdown so easily you knew that this game wasn't going to go well. Especially after the Patriots once again failed to get anything going. The Jets got the ball back and rack up yards with ease. It was like when Scott transformed in Teen Wolf...expect Scott was Mark Sanchez, the Beavers were the Jets and the asshole dude with the hot girlfriend on the other team was Tom Brady. A touchdown was reviewed and taken off the board otherwise it would've been 17-9 Jets. They settled for a field goal instead.

The Jets kept giving the Patriots opportunities to get back into the game but a relentless blitz in addition to excellent coverage led to failure after failure for the Patriots offense. Edelman did his best Wes Welker imitation but Randy Moss decided to do his impression of Terrell Owens from the previous week. Constant pressure dogged Tom Brady and Randy Moss couldn't get open for shit. The Patriots were clearly looking to grab the front page of FAILBlog this afternoon. The Jets tacked on another field goal to go up 16-9. The Patriots still had a chance to tie the game least they did in theory.

In the end the Patriots lost. Just like Peter Brady in that ice cream eating contest. Just like Jan Brady in that essay contest she originally thought she won...or the election for class president. Now that I think about it Jan Brady lost all the goddamn time. Tom Brady finished the game 23-47 with an INT. His passer rating was so low that Verne Troyer could limbo beneath it. I changed the channel instead and watched the Red Sox inch closer to clinching a playoff spot (because I'm an asshole like that). A bunch of other people around me were pissed off and yelling. Some threw shit. I don't understand why. These aren't the 2007 Patriots. These aren't even the 2008 Patriots!. The best way to survive this season is to have absolutely no expectations whatsoever. It's like I told you all last year, the window of opportunity for winning Super Bowls may have closed. The Patriots are now 1-1. When are the Red Sox playing again and when does training camp start for the Celtics? *Shrugs*



Anonymous said...

Dart! I Love Your Allusions!

Anonymous said...

Dude. Just 2 games into the season... PS Boston sux.

Dart Adams said...

@ Anonymous:

Uhh...thanks & fuck yourself in the ass with a rusty hunting knife. *Throws threes*


Harpo said...

You were "turned into a pariah" because you're a fucking dimwit.

Raven Mack said...

he married Nick Cannon?

Dart Adams said...

@ Harpo: Keep telling yourself that. Repeat it like a mantra over the next few years. It'll help you to deal with each of my following successes that much easier.