Sunday, September 20, 2009

Just End The Season 3: The Return Of The Black Guy

I decided that it's about time I actually post something for several reasons. First, my busy schedule finally opened up and allowed me too write about my beloved Patriots. Second, no mail is delivered on Sunday so I'm not sifting through a gang of promos & free shit sent to me by film distributors and record labels. Third, I've finally made it through a gang of e-mails from people praising my writing over @ Poisonous Paragraphs...(I have readers, go figure). All this means that I can finally deliver a post about the only team that actually seems to win shit regularly besides the Pittsburgh Steelers. I didn't write any preseason posts or any predictions because this team is an unknown quantity @ the present time. I'm just gonna wait and see with them.

The NFL experts & analyst on the pre-game show were talking like the New England Patriots were gonna put up 80 on the Buffalo Bills. I knew that wasn't gonna happen. First of all, this isn't 2007. This isn't the same team that broke every record imaginable except for the only one that really counted. Richard Seymour had been shipped off to Purgatory and Wes Welker had been fitted with bionics so he could play. The secondary is a work in progress, the offensive line is solid but the linebacking corps looks good on paper but once again they're not that deep. The game began and the Patriots timing patterns and screen passes were failing worse than if Southerners were asked to differentiate between different types of Asians using only their appearance & hearing 30 seconds of each spoken language. The ball didn't move. The running game was nonexistant. Jerod Mayo got injured. It was looking like: Game blouses.

The passing game wasn't working. The running game looked worse than Lady Gaga at an awards show. Vince Wilfork looked like he needed a Gatorade IV and an oxygen mask. Juan Marquez screamed at the television that Tom Brady should have drank some of his own urine at halftime to replenish his energy. Tom Brady was throwing interceptions. The red zone offense was getting shot down more than McLovin in high school. The Patriots settled for field goals while the Bills were getting touchdowns. Then something crazy happened. With slightly more than 5 minutes left in the game down by 11 points the Patriots received the kickoff, marched down the field 81 yards in 11 plays ending with an 18 yard TD pass to Ben Watson. They failed a 2 point conversion and were down 24-19 with less than 2:00 on the game clock. All the Bills had to do was get a couple of first downs and win the game. Simple, huh? Wrong!

The Patriots kicked off the ball into the end zone. Instead of taking a knee some genius decides to tempt the fates in The Razor on the day they honored the greatest Patriots players in history and wore the same uniforms they rocked when I was a kid and they were called the Patsies while their games home games were blacked out so we had to HEAR them lose over the radio. The radio! This dickhead (let's call him McKelvin...cuz that's his name) runs out across the 30 yard line then gets hit and is unceremoniously stripped of the ball. The Patriots recover the ball 31 yards from victory. Three plays and 1:11 later the Patriots took the lead on a perfect pass from Tom Brady to Ben Watson. The Bills got the ball with 45 seconds left. They got sacked a gang of times and Terrell Owens didn't do shit. Game over. We win.

Tom Brady finished the game by throwing 39-53 for 378 yds with 2 TD's & 1 INT. As usual, Randy Moss was sensational as he went for 12 recs for 141 yds. Wes Welker caught 12 for 93 yds. The Patriots won a game that they were down by 11 with more than 5 minutes on the clock during a national telecast on Monday Night Football. Then the New York Jets, a team with a rookie quarterback decided to talk shit about the Patriots. I'll just watch the game but I'm pretty sure that's a really bad idea. We'll see @ 1:00 PM. I know some of you aren't happy that I'm back but here's the upside: At least now people actually have a reason to read this blog again....


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