Devin Hester - In only two years, this guy had securely and forevermore established himself as more than likely the greatest kick returner in the history of football. But then, the John Madden Football fuck dimwittery of this team took over, and they figured that this guy could somehow make not only a viable wide receiver, but a bona fide #1 wide receiver who would strike fear into the hearts of defenses everywhere and make either noodle-armed Kyle Orton or half-retarded Rex Grossman look like a star. As far as the execution of this plan, to sum things up, no. You see, much like his personal Mini-Me, Danieal Manning, (more on him later, I assure you) Devin Hester seems to be a dude who relies mainly on instinct. On kick returns that's easy. Catch the ball, run real fast, dodge some dudes, score. The problem is that there's a lot more to think about when you play wide receiver. You know, routes, timing, blah blah blah. Not to mention that even in his two good years, the guy probably muffed as many kicks as he scored on. So your new #1 receiver is basically a dude with the football smarts of Leon Lett and the hands of... Well, every other current Bears receiver. He was good to catch a short one and run like hell or to just streak way the fuck down the field and draw a pass interference flag or two, but as a wide receiver, he's been nothing to get excited about. Oh yeah, as a side-effect of his transition to never-seeing-the-field cornerback to starting wide receiver, he also became, without exaggeration, one of the worst kick and punt returners currently in the National Football League. Oh happy day.Rashied Davis - I hate to admit it, but if you look back to the start of me posting on this blog, I totally bought into the coaching staff's bullshit praise they lavished on this fuck in the preseason. All that talk of how hard a worker he was, and how he practiced hard, and blah blah blah. In the end, all he did in the games hard was sucking. He sucked. Hard. He was one of like eight thousand of the fifty-three Bears players on the roster who just absolutely hit the wall last year, and the decent #3 guy from 2006 hard turned into a pass-dropping, game losing engine of cocksuckery in 2008. Based on his performance last year, he should not have a job in the NFL. I look forward to several more years of good ol' Rashied.
Brandon Lloyd - When they signed this guy last year, I was baffled, shocked, and felt the initial onset of diarrhea. This guy had sucked everywhere he had ever played, and in the loving arms of Darryl Drank, the infamous worst position coach in the league, there was nowhere to go but down. And in the end, he... Actually wasn't too bad. He even managed a hundred yard game during Orton's early season hot-streak, and was pretty much the only Bears wide receiver who seemed to actually belong at that position in this particular football league. Then, he hurt his ankle. Then, he got in *THE DOGHOUSE*. Then, he was never heard from again, while Davis, Booker, and Hester embarrassed themselves week in and week out for the rest of the season. Now, he's gone. The lesson here in the Davis/Lloyd situation is that if you practice hard and suck in games, you have a job for life, but if you're not a Monday-Saturday guy but do okay on Sunday, you're out on your ass in Chicago.
Marty Booker - Back in the early 2000s, Marty was my boy. This dude with his goddamn dinner plate-sized hands and Marcus Robinson with his generally looking like potentially the best receiver the Bears ever had at one point were supposed to team up and make this team have an actual by-god passing offense. Then, Robinson kept fucking up his knees, Jim Miller got busted for illegal supplements, that whole Kordell Stewart fiasco happened, a long with a host of other setbacks, and it never came to pass. Still, Marty Booker ended up being the only Bears wide receiver of my lifetime to make the Pro Bowl, so yeah, the dude was my boy. So now it pains me to say that the 2008 version of Marty Booker might very well have been the absolute worst wide receiver I've ever seen. And I'm a Bears fan; I've seen some shitty-ass wide receivers. He was too slow to get open, and when he did get open, those giant hands everyone used to talk about were not unlike giant, fingerless dinner plates, which had recently been used to serve something apocalyptically greasy. Seeing him get sent the hell away from this team a few weeks ago filled me with mixed emotions. Happy to see him go, because he sucked, but sad because of the good times. And sad because I know whoever they get to replace him will probably be worse.
Earl Bennett - Earl Bennett didn't really get to play this year. Sure is strange. Third round pick, decently-touted guy, and god knows that the Bears weren't exactly set at the position with all the players above him. But still, Earl Bennett didn't really get to play this year. Sure is strange.Brandon Rideau - Brandon Rideau also really didn't see a whole helluva lot of playing time, but it was funny, because he actually got more playing time than the guy they drafted in the third round. Sure seems strange, is all I'm saying.
Mike Hass - Mike Hass also didn't get to play, and it's strange that the Bears had so many guys not playing, what with their main contributors all not contributing anything. But not with Mike Hass, because he has always sucked, and now that he's a Seahawk, maybe all the stupid goddamn Chicago Bears fans out there who wish everyone on the team looked like Michael Douglas's character from Falling Down can shut the Christ up about this turd. Fuck white wide receivers. Fuck the white devil. Fuck him. Nyah.
Mark Bradley - In his eight starts, Mark Bradley had the best season of any Chicago Bears receiver, probably. It's just too bad that the Bears cut him in week two, and all of what he did was for Kansas City. Brilliant move, fuckos.
TIGHT ENDS - Oh hey, much like things have been ever since Dez Clark got signed, things weren't so bad here.
Greg Olsen -NFL.com lists Olsen as having started 7 games last year, which is weird, because it also lists Desmond Clark as having started 16 games, so the Bears are so amazing at tight end that they managed to play 23 total games. Honestly, I think it's because Olsen did a lot of fullback/h-back type stuff, but I just thought that was a nutty stat. Anywho, Greg Olsen busted the hell out this year, catching over fifty passes and averaging over ten yards a catch, and being one of very few legitimate threats the Bears had in the passing game. In the end, he was named a second-alternate to the Pro Bowl and Comcast or some such named him the Chicago Bears player of the year. Of course, naming anyone other than Lance Briggs to that title is utter bullshit, but Greg Olsen was really good. He still has some work to do as far as blocking is concerned, but he got better at that, and I got no complaints at all about this guy.Desmond Clark - Dez had an off-year by his standards last year, what with Olsen and Matt Forte taking a huge chunk of his targets, but he still caught over 40 passes as the de facto starting tight end. He didn't keep up his streak of seasons with ridiculous-for-a-tight-end averages per catch, but he still did good enough, and was the team's only real blocking tight end. Olsen is the big name receiver, but Clark is still probably the team's best overall tight end.
Kellen Davis - Here was another moderately big-named rookie to not get any significant playing time. He's a big huge musclebound motherfucker "with first-round talent" as the dumbasses in charge liked to say, but with Clark and Olsen around, there wasn't much point in putting him in there. 2009 might be the year they start grooming him to take over for Clark, but there wasn't much to say for his 2008.
OVERALL GRADES:
Wide Receivers: F (do they give out G's or H's?)
Tight Ends: A-
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