Tuesday, August 23, 2011
NFL ACLB PREVIEWS - #24: TENNESSEE TITANS
PERTINENT DATA: 6-10 last year; 75 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLVI.
BEST CASE SCENARIO (Raven): Jeff Fisher been coaching longer than anybody at the same team, and still looks like he's 40 years old. Dude knows what's up, from the old school player perspective, but understands how young players are different and weird and twitter at people and don't want to do certain things in response to authority because hip hop music has brainwashed us all. (Though the new change ushered in by that stupid fucking Watch The Throne CD is trying to wash us back in the opposite direction, of exorbitant materialism, although it didn't work too well when Puffy tried that a decade ago either, but whatever. The Illuminati won't stop trying to force us into being financial chattel.) He got the best years ever out of Lord Albert Haynesworth, and was smart enough to be like, "Fuck this kid," in regards to Vince Young. And what's that left him with? The same no-superstar defense he's always had that is tough as fuck and like a Steelers-light for the AFC South. Plus, think about how Kerry Collins' retarded ass actually looked competent as a Titan for a couple years. Now they've got Matt Hasselbeck, which is automatically the same as what Collins was - a wily veteran QB - but about 20 times better. Really, if they can throw enough money at Chris Johnson to come back, there's no reason the Titans should not only be competitive as fuck with anybody in the AFC South this season, but you'd hope that Jake Locker actually gets two years under Hasselbeck to develop and you set yourself up for a competitive team for years to come. (Note: Neil pointed out to me that the Titans did actually get rid of Jeff Fisher, which means they don't even have a head coach now, so I guess Hasselbeck will just wing it as the second-tier Favre he is, and the Titans best case scenario is not so best anymore.)
WORST CASE SCENARIO (Neil): I’ve got nothing but love for the Titans on account of the fact that they gave birth to Jim Schwartz. That said, things could ugly here. Jeff Fisher is gone, Chris Johnson is still sitting on his ass and there is a very real chance that they could hit a point of no return with this whole thing, throw their hands up and say fuck it and decide to rebuild from the ground up. Scorched earth policies are not for the weak willed. They hurt and they involve lots of blood and shit and bloody shit and shitty blood. No one needs to see Matt Hasselbeck get crucified like a common Harrington out there. He’s at least earned the right to drift off into his retirement years with grace and a modicum of dignity. I won’t say a lot of dignity because, let’s be honest here, the dude is at the point where he is not wanted but can’t quite take the hint and that is never a good place to be. Right now, everything’s great. He’s the veteran starter mentoring the young hotshot prospect quarterback, and as long as Chris Johnson shows up, there’s a chance that this team can cobble something decent together. But like I said, Jeff Fisher is finally gone and there might be the temptation there to clear the whole fucking thing out and start from scratch. If this happens, the worst case scenario is some embarrassing shit and a dude like Matt Hasselbeck will suddenly just seem like a sad old man trying to hang onto a paycheck. They might continue this retarded game of chicken with Chris Johnson and see what happens because people are dumb and they will use the fact that Chris Johnson had kind of an off year last year to try to claim that paying him would be a huge mistake since the lifespan of a running back in the NFL is roughly that of a house fly. This would be stupid since the dude is still young and really, they don’t have anything else, but that shit might work against him in the end, because again, that might just provide them with the impetus to blow the whole thing up under the belief that it would be foolish to pay him since they aren’t going anywhere with him anyway. And things would get ugly if that happened, ugly and mean. Look, already both Johnson and Cortland Finnegan seem like they hate their own team, nobody is sure whether this is a team coming or going and a team without an identity like that riven with internal strife is not long for the world of the happy. If everything falls apart – and remember this is the worst case scenario – if Johnson or the team say fuck it and he doesn’t play for whatever reason, the bitterness between players and management grows and nobody is sure whether to look to the past or the future for answers, this team could finish, like, 3-13. That may sound overly harsh, but again, this is the worst case scenario. I take no joy in this, but these are strange and terrible times and these things happen.
PLAYER TO PULL FOR (Raven): Not only is Cortland Finnegan a pretty good CB with a knack for getting a turnover, but he sounds like he'd be some ruthless industrial overlord from 1920s New York City, running a sweat shop with locked emergency exits that went up in flames during a fabric fire one day, and he simply did not give a fuck and had a new warehouse running two blocks down the street within two weeks time, so as to meet his promised productivity for the Sears & Roebuck catalog, finding fresh workers straight off the boats from Europe.
PLAYER TO HATE MOST (Neil): Man, I don’t really hate anyone on this team. But that’s probably just because this is one of the most no-name teams there is. Really, the guys they do have that everyone knows seem like they are pretty solid. I mean, I’m sure there are some people who will say hate Chris Johnson because he’s holding out or whatever, but fuck, I am almost always on the side of these dudes trying to get paid before their heads are smashed in and they end up jerking off in the middle of the street at the age of 42, making fart noises with their mouths, hooting like sad baboons and bouncing around with their pants around their feet all because their brains don’t work right anymore and they escaped from their nurses at the shady rest home they’re confined to because the NFL won’t pay their goddamn bills. I mean, let the guy make some serious money, both for his sacrifice and so he can hire a team of specially bred nurses from Brazil with big asses and a complete lack of morals to care for him as he drifts off into senility. Wait, I’m getting sidetracked. This is about who to hate, and, well, if I had to pick a name, I’ll pick Javon Ringer for purely petty reasons. Some of you can probably figure these out but they are so petty that I’m ashamed to even explain them. One of them involves a long, fucked up run and Shawn Crable. Plus, I guess you could manufacture a reason and say that he is trying to steal Chris Johnson’s job while Johnson is trying to get his but that’s not fair. Still, fuck him, I guess. That is half-hearted and not fair at all, but I’m a Lions fan, don’t talk to me about fair.
BEST NAME ON TEAM: Yamon Figurs, who I think is part of Waka Flocka Flame's crew. Either that or he had a beef with Vybz Kartel in Jamaica a couple years back. I get all my Fader music blog recurring minor characters mixed up here and there.
IN A PERFECT WORLD (Neil): In a perfect world, the Titans do the right thing and pay Chris Johnson and then he has an All-Pro type season, Matt Hasselbeck gets rejuvenated and the no nonsense defense does their job well enough to spring the Titans towards a bright future filled with sunshine and blowjobs for all. Maybe they can also hold a special halftime ceremony for Steve McNair who died for the simple crime of having too much love in his heart (well, his penis, but you know . . .) Maybe they could bring in guest speakers, like my boy Harpo, who once heckled McNair at a Raiders game. I don’t know, I’m just throwing some ideas out there. Look, Bud Adams, I am just trying to help you. This is my thanks for raising a fine young man like Jim Schwartz and allowing us to have his hand in marriage. This is my dowry if you will. But if you don’t take it, don’t expect me to come back and offer you any more words of advice. I’ve got my own problems, damn it. I don’t need to be fixing your fucked up mistakes. So honor Steve McNair or don’t. It’s no skin off my ass. But seriously, dude, pay Chris Johnson. You just look like a miserly asshole and you have clearly lost the respect of your own team. It’s either do that or wake up one day to Chris Johnson and Cortland Finnegan double teaming your daughter, and if you don’t have a daughter, those dudes probably wouldn’t be above taking on your son just to send you a message. I’m not saying that the only options are to either pay Chris Johnson or watch your son get cornholed while you sob, tied to a chair by Cortland Finnegan, but I’m not seeing too many alternatives either.
PROGNOSIS (Raven): They are the Titans, which means even in a year with some big changes, they are perfectly mediocre. An 8-8 year seems likely. Below is a bonus picture of Chris Johnson's donk.