Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Drowned in Horseshit

So, the big news this week is that Bill Ford Jr. decided to throw Matt Millen under the bus. He says that if it were up to him Millen would be gone but he doesn't have the authority, which is clearly bullshit. The saddest part about all this nonsense is that poor dumb Lions fans everywhere will think that the future of the team is bright under Ford the junior, but this is such a transparent attempt to save his own ass from the angry mob that it is laughable. And by laughable I mean despicable. And by despicable I mean fucking odious. And by fucking odious I mean fuck all these dudes.

Matt Millen isn't going anywhere whether it is Old Man Ford or Ford the junior running things. Why fucking bother? They've got enough problems just trying to make sure their eponymous company doesn't go bankrupt under their watch. You think either one of them gives a shit that Matt Millen is probably hiding in his office as we speak playing with toy trains or talking about Transformers with Calvin Johnson? Fuck no. They're just glad there's someone else there to take the heat, someone even more inept. If Ford the junior really gave a flying fuck he would have already put Millen on a plane to Oakland so that he could take up the reins of the Raiders franchise. That is his destiny, you know.('Sup Harpo)

Look, the simple truth is that this was just some lame ass attempt by Ford to cover his own ass for a little while longer. Soon enough his daddy will shuffle off this mortal coil and there will be no one else to blame, no one to point to as the reason for the Lions perpetual failure. There will just be Ford Jr., sitting in the same office his dad slurps his applesauce in now, and there will be Millen sitting in his office, watching the team embarrass themselves every Sunday and no matter how much Lions fans bitch and moan this will not change. Ford knows this day is coming so he is trying to build himself a little goodwill while he can. But fuck that.

In other news, Jon Kitna has a sprained knee, which is devastating because frankly I was hoping it would be a career ender. Sad. Then again, his replacement, Dan Orlovsky entered the game and threw an interception on a fucking screen pass. A SCREEN PASS. Jesus. Someone get me the number for a suicide hotline. Oh well, at least we have the era of Drew Stanton to look forward to. And by look forward to I mean dread. And by dread I mean tolerate by getting pants shittingly drunk in order to dull the pain.

Meanwhile, it appears that Rudi Johnson may have stolen the starting running back job from Kevin Smith. Maybe he got his panties back. I don't know, but whatever the reason, Rudi actually was the only Lion that looked half competent on Sunday. Then again, that probably means that when the Lions come back from the bye week he will run for 9 yards on 12 carries and the team will resign Tatum Bell. Fuck, just resign him anyway and make the two of them live together for the rest of the season. Hide some cameras and sell the shit to the NFL Network.

I am saddened to also report that my man Lennie Small appears to have permanently lost his job to Gosder Cherilus. Some will say that poor Lennie was simply not up for the job but I believe that the Lions are just anti-retard. Then again, Matty Millen continues to patrol the hallways of Ford Field, so...I dunno. Perhaps they are just anti-lovable retard. I hope Lennie has the ACLU on speed dial and he takes these fuckers to the cleaners for their obvious bias against his kind.

Fuck, it's already been a long season and it's only going to get longer. I just hope it doesn't reach the point where I am pining for Wayne Fontes and begging for the days of Scott Mitchell. If it comes to that know that there is a good chance that I am wandering pantsless in the middle of traffic with a fifth of Jack in my hand. Either that or Harpo and I will join up and drive shitfaced across the country, killing everyone who reminds us of Al Davis and Matt Millen along the way. Until then, my misery will be yours. You're welcome.