Dead Zone

An hour and a half before the Sunday night Browns/Steelers kickoff the power went out in Shaker Heights and I went into panic mode.

Plan A was a 30 minute drive into the country to watch the game at a friends house on his gigantic HDTV but the word came down that his power was spotty and I couldn't risk it. Not tonight.

Plan B was a short walk in a howling wind to the local restaurant/bars which I did without hesitation. I kept an eye on the trees and as I dodged downed branches and deranged dog walkers. Two of the three available places were closed but the third one was open. The bartender was wearing a Tim Couch jersey and as I wiped away tears of joy I ordered a drink. The time was 7:50 but the TV was showing America's Funniest Home Videos. I piped up that the game was on NBC and the bartender was more than happy to change the channel. I could see the wings in my head. Maybe order some onion rings too. The storm lashed the bar but I felt comfortable, at home even. Bizarrely, a mere two blocks from my apartment there was electricity and football and chicken wings and Tim Couch jerseys. I chit chatted with the bartender about the storm and she mentioned that her power had gone out at home too and she was leaving soon to assess the damage. There was no one else working behind the bar and I was one of three people in the whole place. Things started to make less sense. What time does the bar close anyway? 9pm.

This can't be happening.

Plan C saw me walking very fast back home. I called my friend Meredith who lived down the street. Perhaps she had power? The time was 8:10pm. So you don't have power either she said. She mocked me for not having a "Weather Alert" radio (obtained from donating to NPR- it runs on failed Butch Davis draft picks). She kindly offered to let me come over and listen to the game on the radio but I just couldn't bear it. I had to see for myself.

Plan D was actually getting in my car and driving to a sports bar. My gas tank was on "E" so I drove to the nearest gas station. They had electricity- I understand the power grid even less now. There were trees down everywhere but I managed to find an open bar just in time to watch the Browns punt after their first 3 and out.

All of preceding may seem superfluous to the actual game but it really isn't- it's the actual Cleveland Browns red zone offensive playbook word for word and I just lived it.

They will beat the Ravens next Sunday though and I take some comfort in that.