Wednesday, September 17, 2008
OH HAPPY DAY
Oh Jesus, it just never ends, does it? On the heels of the Lions disastrous start, the team has decided to bolster the running game, an area that anyone with half a clue knew would be a disaster before the season even started. Of course, that means that Matt Millen and Rod Marinelli had no fucking clue. So, how are they addressing this? By scheming so that they could find their running backs more room? By trying to shore up the blocking of the woeful offensive line? No, of course not. Those would be the logical solutions. But Matt Millen is determined to outsmart logic. He's too sharp for that witches' brew. Fucking logic, always trying to put one over on him. Fuck that shit. Logic is Matt Millen's bitch and he will continue to strangle the shit out of it until it respects him, sits in the corner and shuts the fuck up.
So now that logic has once again been firmly put in its place by the Great Failure, how exactly does Millen intend to fix the running game? By throwing even more shit in the backfield and hoping it sticks. I mean, obviously, the problem must be that there aren't enough worthless bodies back there. Kevin Smith's problem is not the blocking, it's that there isn't some washed up piece of shit lingering behind him on the depth chart. Rudi Johnson and his freeballin' ways aren't struggling because he's new to the system and past his prime. No, it's because he doesn't have some other old ass refugee from another franchise there to keep him busy.
Well fuck, come on down Cedric Benson, you drunk ass fool. Never mind that aside from being incapable of driving without being properly loaded before he hops behind the wheel, Cedric isn't any good at playing football. Sounds like a winner to me! The Lions will surely be averaging 300 yards per game on the ground if they bring Cedric into the fold. I mean, so what if he's never been any good at the NFL level? And so what if he has probably just been sitting at home, drinking Natty Light and wiping Cheetoh dust all over the front of his wifebeater? I'm sure if we just throw him in there tomorrow he will magically float above the heads of our shitty offensive line, turn around and moon walk right into the endzone. Problem solved!
Oh wait, you mean there's more? Oh hey, look, it's Shaun Alexander! Hey, he hasn't been any good for the last two seasons, and ever since Steve Hutchinson stopped blocking for him he has looked like a washed up shell of a running back. I'm sure behind the Lions' dynamic offensive line he'll put up 2,000 yards easily. Not to mention the 40 TD's which will surely follow. Well holy shit, things are really looking up now! So what if Seattle threw him the fuck out of town? Obviously those liberal hippies up there with their Starbucks and their Rain and their Sonics(oops) just can't appreciate a hardworking talent like that. His yards per carry going down is just proof that he isn't relying on his talent anymore and now is just trying to get by on sheer determination and the sweat of his brow. We can respect a man like that in Detroit. Bring us your old, bring us your worthless, bring us your broken down. As long as they have a whiff of former greatness to them they'll fit right in with the Motor City.
We're on our way now motherfuckers. If it were 2004 we'd be all set. I bet Matt Millen is proud as hell, just sitting there in his office, feeding Old Man Ford his applesauce. He's got some prime talent coming in. Yes sir. Maybe if we are lucky he can convince Eric Dickerson to come out of retirement. Or hell, maybe now is the time that Barry Sanders will finally reconsider. He's only, what? 40? No big deal. Put him in that Lions uniform and watch him spin and twirl his way to the endzone. Hopefully, he doesn't break a hip, but that's just a minor concern. Shit, why not see if Jim Brown wants to give it another go? He left the game too early. It's his time to show everyone what they've been missing out on all these years. Bo Jackson is around. Give him a call. I'm sure his artificial hip is just as good as new. I mean, he never gave the NFL a fair shot after the surgery. Maybe he's still got it. Come on Matt, make the call! We're only a running back away from greatness.
Clearly, we're finally on the right track. SEE YOU ALL AT THE SUPER BOWL.