(lolol Wayne Rooney plus the word gash)#2: MANCHESTER UNITED vs. REAL MADRID - Oh wait, this is the internet in America, so you're probably a white asshole, right? You probably are like, "Champions League" all the time, and perhaps even one of those snarky internet assholes who considers yourself a Premier League fan. Well, yes your stupid Euro-Aryan Champions League started teh first leg of it's 16 round, and stupid fuckface Man U with stupid super fuckface die now shithead Wayne Rooney is playing against Real Madrid. That's probably the game that'll be on American TV. I don't know man, seems like rich white people bullshit to me, and mostly what I love about soccer is broke motherfuckers being involved. Although I coach youth soccer and had a British kid a few years back who scored his first goal ever and he did the Wayne Rooney celebration and it was a special moment for him, for me, for his parents, we were all very proud. I don't think Wayne Rooney is proud of anything any more - he just exists as the vortex of soul sucking in objects.
(just some chill ass Ukrainians, nah mean?)#3: SHAKHTAR DONETSK vs. BORUSSIA DORTMUND - This is your alternative Champions League game of note today, because Shaktar Donetsk is Ukrainian, they are the Miners, and their team crest has mining implements on it, chill ass Halloween colors, and says "WAXTAP" which on this Ass Wednesday, after having thought about Brazilian women, seems highly sexualized to me. So hopefully I will have sex, with a human, today, at some point.