Monday, September 3, 2012

Redskins season speculation, post Kool Aid

So my perhaps realism perhaps jaded frustrations of last week where I predicted doom and failure for the Redskins has worn off, and I have had a nice leisurely three-day weekend to sup deeply of the burgundy and gold Kool-Aid, and am now ready to have normal Redskins fan optimism in this new football year of our football lords 2012. So I figured I would go through this season’s schedule week-by-week and analyze just how awesome shit is gonna be.

WEEK 1 at New Orleans Saints – The Saints have had their defense castrated and Drew Brees is fat in the belly from contracts of wealth, plus some of his key targets on offense moved on, and Jimmy Graham now has chinks in his armor. And though it will be Robert Griffin III’s first start as an NFL QB, he should be able to meander around that half-defense easily enough. Also Drew Brees will be crushed by the Redskins defensive front seven. Of course, he’ll have moments where he picks apart our secondary in spurts, but DeAngelo Hall is pretty good at finding moments to steal a pick and he’ll do so to seal a close road victory to start the season. Redskins, 1-0.

WEEK 2 at St. Louis Rams – Dude, we traded all our picks to the Rams for RGIII. Here’s the thing though – Mike Shanahan has won multiple Super Bowls with multiple rosters and Jeff Fisher is one of those King of the Retards coaches that players love and is well-thought of but has never actually won a Super Bowl, in fact only going to one in his 37 years as head coach of the Titans. Thus, Redskins are smarter than Rams, and even though Rams defense will be hard on a rookie QB, Sam Bradford will be starting his campaign to truly prove he is a bust this year, and Orakpo and Kerrigan will be happy to help oblige him on such a feat. Redskins, 2-0.

WEEK 3 home opener vs. Cincinnati Bengals – Is Andy Dalton out? I thought I heard that? Redheaded dudes are dangers to civilized society, so I hope so. The Bengals are the Bengals, and one of the few teams more inept than the Redskins over the historical course of the past 20 years. Plus this will be the first home game that counts for #10 and his new era Skins, so they will achieve crushage of the psychic level, though the scoreboard score will be close. Still, a win. Redskins, 3-0.

WEEK 4 at Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Former Bucs head coach Raheem Morris now coaches with the Skins, and he will tell us all their secrets and be happy to punk his former employers publicly. This will be an epic destruction of a shitty franchise, and Redskins players will lackadaisically being glad-handing with each other early in the 4th quarter, as this one will be done for quick. Redskins will be an early surprise at 4-0, and people will be talking about if they are for real or not.

WEEK 5 home vs. Atlanta Falcons – Thus, the Falcons game will be a heavily hyped one, as potential NFC playoff teams showing down with each other. The Falcons are an immense team during regular season, and will sneak a victory in Jack Kent Cooke Stadium, and be all like, “See that! We’re for real! Or maybe they’re not for real! But either way, YEAH MOTHERFUCKER!” Redskins, 4-1.

WEEK 6 home vs. Minnesota Vikings – Luckily, the Vikings will come to town the following week, and by this time Adrian Peterson should already be at least partially broken for the year. Plus Christian Ponder is a stupid, and he will be the one guy who plays the role of being the QB of the year who makes DeAngelo Hall look like Darrelle Revis, and he’ll throw like 4 INTs, and the Redskins will win, and run up their turnover ratio as well. Redskins, 5-1 at this point.

WEEK 7 division opener at New York Giants – Redskins when they suck always win at the Giants, and when they are good not so much. But being at this point it will be hard to tell if the Redskins are legitimately good or not, they will win, and fat-faced people of questionable white ethnic backgrounds will cry tears of potential domestic abuse. Redskins, 6-1.

WEEK 8 at Pittsburgh Steelers – In a situation eerily similar to Jim Zorn’s first year, the Redskins will come in doing better than expected to take on a proven Pittsburgh team. During Zorn’s time, the Skins got beaten and the wheels fell off their season after that and they struggled to even look halfway like a pro football team. They will drop this game in perhaps their ugliest loss of the season, but instead of it being the soul blow like it was with Zorn, they will learn from this crushage, that they are not on that level yet, and though showing signs of improvement, there is still a lot of field to plow to bear the glorious fruits of football redemption. Redskins fall to 5-2.

WEEK 9 home vs. Carolina Panthers – Last year’s rookie QB sensation in Cam Newton will take on this year’s rookie sensation in Robert Griffin III, and it will be a fun game and Brian Orakpo will almost decapitate Newton on a couple of plays, and he will be shaken deep to his core whereas RGIII will high-step and gallivant to further home-field glory. Redskins go to 6-2.

WEEK 10 bye – A nice by week, and the local media speculates on the possibility of the playoffs, and how perhaps with a couple of extra postseason games thrown into the mix this bye may be at their perfect midseason point. People go mad with excitement heading into a tough three-game divisional stint, with one on the road in a short week.

WEEK 11 home vs. Philadelphia Eagles – The black Mike Vick has tinkered with injury up to this point, and he is dealt his 2012 death blow as he is concussed out of action, and whoever is their back-up is horrendous and the Redskins coast to a victory, and Andy Reid sweats the impending end of his long tenure as Eagles head honcho. Redskins are now 7-2, and people are losing their mind as Thanksgiving approaches.

WEEK 12 at Dallas Cowboys – On the road to Dallas for a Thanksgiving classic that means the world, even though the Cowboys are struggling to keep their head above .500. They come up big against the Skins on the short week though, and Romo has one of his “Romo is the best” games, and they win by a much larger psychic margin than the scoreboard would suggest at the end of the game. Redskins fall to 7-3.

WEEK 13 home vs. New York Giants – The Giants usually win in DC just as the Redskins win in DC, and the Skins are also additionally crushed by their loss to the Cowboys and have a tough time recovering. Second loss in a row, and they fall to 7-4.

WEEK 14 home vs. Baltimore Ravens – The battle for Maryland is not so much of a battle as the Ravens walk over the Skins, empowered by their fans who fill Jack Kent Cooke Stadium because Redskins fans don’t ever fill it anymore and tickets are easy to get for away teams, which is all Dan Snyder’s fault. Redskins lose their third straight, and fall to 7-5, and panic sets in.

WEEK 15 at Cleveland Browns – Luckily the Browns host us in a mid-December cleansing ceremony of destruction. The Browns early hype on rookie QB and RB is compared during the game to the Redskins rookie QB, and the Browns are made to look stupid for even putting their asshole QB on the same PR release as Robert Griffin III. Trent Richardson is a solid, but about all the Browns have going on offense, as they seem to be required by law to only have one good player on offense at any time. The locals in Cleveland even boo Brandon Weeden for some silly turnovers, and the game cameras pan over to Colt McCoy a whole lot. Redskins are at 8-5, and in the graphic for playoff contenders.

WEEK 16 at Philadelphia Eagles – The black Mike Vick is still out, and Andy Reid seems at the end of his line, about to taken to the rubble piles of Veterans Stadium somewhere in south Jersey and be shot to put out his misery. Redskins romp on the Eagles, who suddenly seem like the broken franchise of the NFC East, which makes this a psychic victory for the Redskins completely on a separate level from the simple seasonal W. Redskins are 9-5, knocking on the playoffs door.

WEEK 17 home vs. Dallas Cowboys – A win would give the Redskins the division title, and even a loss might give them a wild card but most likely not, and also most likely the Giants take the division if the Cowboys win, which puts the Cowboys in a strange irrelevant position of being a team that most likely will not make the playoffs but still want to win. They won’t. It will be a glorious and ugly affair where Tony Romo turns back into a pumpkin like he is prone to do and Ryan Kerrigan scores more points than Dez Bryant, and the TV flashes Jerry Jones in his luxury box a whole bunch wondering what the future holds for this Cowboys team, and whether Jason Garrett and Tony Romo will ever be allowed back into Texas, ever again. Redskins finish regular season 10-6, NFC East champions, but not nearly enough for a playoff bye, so they host a wild card team

WEEK 18 home vs. maybe the Bears or Lions – First home playoff game in forever, and DC is mad with deliriums. Hopefully it is the Lions and the game will be a psychic battle between Neil and myself for control of the ACLB aura. But the Bears is cool too. Whoever it is, there are guys on defense like Orakpo and London Fletcher who have had some lean times in a Redskins uniform, and they pretty much force their will on this game, so even though the offense struggles, the Redskins win an ugly one, but it is a playoff win in January, and things seem awesome as fuck.

WEEK 19 at probably San Francisco 49ers – A glorious rebirth of a season comes to a close, as the cross-country trip on a short week (to play the Saturday NFC game) ends in a disappointing loss to the 49ers where the Skins were never really too into the game. Still though, an amazing season for this team, and Mike Shanahan is obviously turning things around and will head into the 4th year of this 5-year contract next season with a lot of growth and it will only get better.

I cannot wait, can you? Hail to the Redskins motherfuckers. Six more days, then back to reality.


Neil said...

Oh man, a Redskins vs. Lions playoff showdown would threaten to tear the very fabric of the universe apart, or at least result in a fucking epic week of insane shit talking and grandiose proclamations. Either way. 1991 NEVER FORGET

Raven Mack said...

the ether has worn off and I doubt the legitimacy of my science in this post. I am very afraid again. and cold. winter is coming.

SandyC said...

I like the prognostications. As a Lions fan, my personal hope is that the Redskins wage an epic battle with the other NFC East teams that results in a 9-7 division winner, thus allowing the Lions to make it into the playoffs at 10-6. (Hmmm...this sounds familiar)

Something got messed up in your weekly picks, where the team went from 6-1 to 5-2 in midseason. Maybe that was intentional though, like Sheriff Goodell taking away one win for good measure tacked onto that cap penalty breaking any actual rule.

I have been reading your great tome, Football Metaphysics for Enlightened Degenerates. I'll keep coming back to it all season, I'm sure. Another great read is JR Moehringer's recent article. Check it out:

Anonymous said...

no fucking monkey here

Raven Mack said...

yes, my math erred, but 10-6 still makes sense in as much sense as this can make (which it won't, soon enough). thanks for buying the book, I was very proud, and also very ashamed, in true ACLB fashion.

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