Are you really gonna sit there and try to tell me this man isn't cursed?
The cover of the newest edition of Madden was released earlier today and – surprise! – Calvin Johnson is this year’s cover model, probably because he has nicer legs than Kate Upton. She has better tits though. I apologize, that was crass. Calvin Johnson has wonderful tits and a nice, tight ass, and . . . wait, what the fuck is going on here? Where am I? Oh yeah, the cover of Madden. Depending on who you ask, this is either the best thing to happen in the history of the world or the worst. Yes, it’s worse than the Holocaust. Lions fans are split into two warring camps – naturally – the first of which insists that curses are bullshit and that people should stop behaving like a bunch of simpering superstitious ninnies, while the second insists that curses are real and that we should burn a few harlots at the stake just to make sure nothing bad happens.
As for me, well . . . it’s tough to say what my favorite curse is. Some prefer cocksucker and I agree that is a fine curse. My childhood best friend’s favorite curse was dickweed and that brings back some fond memories indeed. But my favorite curse is probably motherfucker. It’s descriptive, it packs a wicked punch and it implies that the cursed has sexual relations with his or her mother. (You bet your ass that a woman can be a motherfucker. I’m no sexist.)
But my beliefs when it comes to curses are of no real consequence. Neither are yours. Instead, we must rely upon the cold, impartial hand of science and as a man of science, I’m here to help all of us out in these trying times. You may be debating whether to chug that bottle of drain cleaner or throw yourself off of a bridge like that coward George Bailey because you don’t know what in the fuck to think about Calvin Johnson being on the cover of Madden, but that’s okay. I understand. That’s why we have science, to help guide us through some of life’s most difficult quandaries. I mean, we can sit here and debate all night long the existential meaning of Calvin Johnson being on the cover and our thoughts on curses. I’d call you a motherfucker, you’d call me a shithead or whatever you prefer and then we’d go to bed not knowing who was right and who was wrong and nobody needs that. So let’s just take a look at the facts, and remember, facts never lie, except for the facts that were compiled by that breathalyzer that one time. Those facts were full of shit. Anyway, here is how the infamous Madden Curse impacted its various Cover Models:
2001: Eddie George – The man self-identifies with Ohio State University for fuck’s sake. Clearly he has been cursed with an infant’s brain. Also, he was rendered impotent after an angry girlfriend attacked him with a blowtorch and a butter knife. But that’s what he gets for setting up double dates with Steve McNair.
2002: Daunte Culpepper – Became a Detroit Lion during The Dark Days. If that’s not enough, he was arrested in 2009 for his involvement in a cat-fighting ring and was given 15 hours of community service after a picture surfaced of him pulling a cat’s tail after it lost a matchup to a stray tabby.
2003: Marshall Faulk – Marshall Faulk has been missing since 2008. He was last seen traveling in the backwoods of the Louisiana Bayou. Some say he was searching for The Great Willie Young, lord of that bayou, but obviously, like so many before him, especially that motherfucker Kingfish, the former governor of Louisiana, he was found unworthy. His ghost still shows up on TV from time to time but it has shitty opinions.
2004: Michael Vick – Come on now.
2005: Ray Lewis – Ray Lewis was visited by aliens one night in 2007. They flew him to the ends of the universe and promised to show him Attack Ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion but just before they reached their destination, he stabbed all of them and was thus denied that awe-inspiring sight. He then crashed the ship into Baltimore Harbor and had his mind erased by government agents. This experience left him mildly retarded.
2006: Donovan McNabb – Is Donovan McNabb, the poor bastard.
2007: Shaun Alexander – Had his penis bitten off by a hooker in a Thai whorehouse. He then received a penis transplant but it turned out that the new penis was haunted and the ghost goes by the name “Phil”. He was arrested at an airport for arguing with “Phil”, an argument that ended with him exposing himself and attempting to choke the life out of “Phil”. He is now in an institution for the criminally insane.
2008: Vince Young – Was arrested for getting into a shirtless brawl in a nightclub. What the police report didn’t tell you was that he was compelled by a little green alien who lives on his shoulder and that a full body cavity search revealed that he was being used as a drug mule by interstellar heroin dealers. Truly, a cursed man. Plus, he sucks.
2009: Brett Favre – Ha ha ha ha! Okay fine, was publicly embarrassed when it was revealed that the ol’ Gunslinger sent pictures of his lil’ Cumslinger (lil’ being the operative word there) to a repulsed female employee of the Jets. Now he spends his days (presumably) hanging out shirtless with Matthew McConaughey and gibbering like a pilled-up Boomhauer at teenage girls in front of the local arcade and they all laugh at him and refer to him as “the creepy old dude in the Crocs.” Basically, he’s a sadder, creepier version of Wooderson from Dazed and Confused.
2010: Troy Polamalu – Was mistaken as a woman by a Saudi Sheik who kidnapped him and kept him as a member of his harem for three months during the lockout. Unfortunately for Troy, it took so long to discover the mistake because it turned out that the Sheik never actually attempted intercourse with Troy. Instead, the Sheik had a hair fetish and would spend hours at a time just brushing Troy’s hair and braiding it, which wouldn’t be so bad except the Sheik was naked the whole time and would furiously masturbate, ejaculating into Troy’s hair when he was finished and let me tell you something, semen is not a natural conditioner. Don’t make the same mistake I, er, uh, I mean Troy, yeah . . . Troy did.
2011: Drew Brees – Kicked in the head by a goat but to be fair, Drew deserved it after insulting the goat’s wife. The man has no manners. To top it all off, the goat then ratted out the entire Saints organization to Roger Goodell, who, unbeknownst to Drew, is the goat’s brother-in-law. Then again, how was Drew Brees supposed to know that Roger Goodell was a goat-fucker? Sure, sure, all the evidence is there but Drew Brees is just a slow Indiana farmboy. He’s functionally illiterate for Stafford’s sake. (See what I did there?) He’s lucky he can even tie his own shoes. Plus, he was marked as a demon at birth.
2012: Peyton Hillis – Broke his leg after a raucous celebration in his honor by the Ku Klux Klan. Also, he was forced to live in Cleveland for a couple of years. Terrible, terrible . . .
And let’s not forget the original Madden Cover Model, the man himself, John Madden, who hogged the cover for a full decade. It’s been said that he is actually the originator of the Madden Curse, a powerful wizard posing as a bumbling old man who decreed that all those who would dare steal his spotlight would have their lives ruined. Others say that all you need to do is look at the poor old fart himself to know that the Madden Curse is real. Still others say that John Madden is actually the unwilling human vessel of an evil spirit, one which has corrupted both his flesh and his mind, leaving him the fat, gibbering mess we know and pity today. But what no one knows is that John Madden is actually just the puppet for that evil mastermind, Pat Summerall. Summerall poses as an old drunk but in reality he is a ninth level Nazi Warlock. He lives in a secret compartment on Madden’s bus and periodically emerges, naked and enraged, to whip a cowering and whimpering Madden with his own belt. That’s how he keeps him in line, you see. He then forces Madden to tap into his vast evil and then channel that evil into the photograph of the latest Madden Cover Model, all of whom are personally selected by Summerall himself as part of a vast and confusing Eugenics experiment gone totally awry. He is insane and extremely dangerous. It’s even been said that The Fuhrer himself was terrified of his madness and ate a gun just to escape him and his deadly power. There are rumors that Al Michaels tried to stop Summerall once in the midst of one of his rage fueled beatings of Madden, but Summerall just shrugged Michaels aside like an old coat and then made Al suck his . . . okay, okay, perhaps I am getting a touch carried away here, but as a species we can’t afford to pretend anymore. Our very humanity is at stake. Pat Summerall must be stopped.
Well, there you have it, dudes and lady dudes. Some pretty power evidence to be sure. Obviously there is something to this Madden Curse, something terrible and evil and to ignore it is to ignore your responsibility to the human race. Sure, some would say all this is coincidence and only a great fool would believe in such things but, in the end, here’s the thing . . . who cares? For the night is dark and full of terrors and did you see that lady on Game of Thrones birth that fuckin’ shadow? That was wild. I bet she understands a thing or two about curses and . . .