PICTURED: Everything about the Chargers game that wasn't the final score.
So last week, following a game where the Bears focused their raw Satanic energy to defeat the Detroit Lions and in the process turn them into one big, violent, walking temper tantrum, the Bears took down the San Diego Chargers. But Phillip Rivers is all about the Christ, and God can be a bitch when he loses, so he sent holy lightning bolts to strike down two of Chicago's proudest Satanic Soldiers. So the Bears' Season of Evil teeters on the brink of collapse as they try to cope with life after longtime long-snapper, all-time team leader in games started, and 2010 Gritty White Guy of the Year Award-winner Patrick Mannelly. And also, Jay Cutler.
It's hard out here for a long snapper.
The long snapper part might not seem like a big deal, but being crazy-ass Fatal Attraction obsessed with special teams the way the Bears are, they understand potential horrors of a bad snap. So much so that rather than doing the normal thing and just eeny-meeny-miney-moing some random backup to do the job, they went out and signed rookie snapping specialist Jake Laptad. Then, after watching him in practice, went "oh shit, oh fuck" and signed some Massey dude. There's really been no time to tell whether or not he's any good at throwing the ball while upside-down, so that's a scary thought, after that guy the Giants tried to use last year. Because whether it's been Todd Sauerbrun, Brady Maynard, or that guy from the Jaguars whose name I never learned punting, the Bears have seemingly never had one blocked while Mannelly was out there. So if I was, uhhh, Dirk Buttocks or whatever, I'd be pretty worried about the speed and angle of the ball's approach.
God. Fucking. Dammit.
Then, there's the big one. After a period of a few weeks where even the bigger assholes of sports broadcasting were having to admit that he might not be the Hitler of Pro Football, Jay Cutler's thumb decided that really wanted a six-to-eight week vacation, ruining every goddamn thing, ever. So now begins the Caleb Hanie era, at least until Week 17 or so. And even though he's been with the team for like four years now, no one really knows what to expect from that guy. I mean, he's really only had to play once, in the NFC title game against the Packers, and that was a mixed bag, to say the least. Because yeah, the Bears did almost come back to win that thing, but his two interceptions did serve as the back-breaker and shotgun-to-the-face of the Bears hopes for victory. Then again, with Mike Martz being a half brain dead shithook of an asshole with a vendetta against the guy, Todd Collins was so much the official backup QB that Hanie really didn't even practice in the weeks and months heading up to that game. (And also why the Bears have wasted two draft picks on Dan LeFevour and Nathan Enderle the last two years, trying to knock him off the roster.) So he could be good, he could be terrible, and no one can say for certain which one he'll be before game time, because all we've seen of him so far is an unprepared and overwhelmed might-as-well-be rookie versus the best team in the league. He does have a reputation for a big arm and a bit of "oh shit, there are like four unblocked guys" pocket elusiveness, which makes him something like Jay Cutler's Mini-Me, an essential trait to have behind a line that was already bad and has both of its first round picks on Injured Reserve. So there's hope, but nothing resembling a sure thing, which is why I'm holding off on any sort of judgment until after the game, and am not going to be all "oh nooooo, my kingdom for a thumb," or "guys, guys, he was undrafted and that means he's JUST LIKE KURT WARNER," like so many others are doing. I'm approaching this situation with caution. Fortune favors the bold, but the bold tend to get eaten by large, predatory animals more often than the meek, you know?
Also, HAHAHA, you stupid bitches, I got mine a year ago for three dollars.
Anyway, the Bears play the Raiders, the Raiders aren't bad at all. And um, fuck. I'm not gonna bother even trying to break this thing down any further, because the game has actually already started, and I have no desire to do some sort of live-blog bullshit this week. Also, the stupid Fox station that comes in on the antenna out in the garage is some stupid Texasified one that ditches the late NFL game in favor of shit about college football, race cars, and country music, so I gotta hunt down an illegal stream somewhere that isn't all choppy, and then get all angry once the internet blinks out about twice an hour, like it always does. In an emergency, I get 780 AM out of Chicago on the radio in the car, which has to be some strange atmospheric fluke. And shit, the Raiders just kicked a field goal. So,
Bears 196, Raiders 3.