Saturday, August 27, 2011


PERTINENT DATA: 6-10 last year; 35 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLVI.
BEST CASE SCENARIO (Raven): Look, the truth of the matter is Donovan McNabb has never been as bad as he's been made out to be. And he's never had a RB like Adrian Peterson to draw QB-hungry D-linemen off his cologned scent before. Basically, McNabb is the Black Brett Favre, just a little more gimpy-armed, but not much. I know they've lost some guys on offense, but they still have a rock solid offensive line (something else McNabb has not had very often) and one of the best defensive lines in the NFL. The Williams brothers (who are not brothers in the familial sense, though I'm sure they call each other "fam") are the most amazing pair of DTs I think I've ever seen, and yet you hardly know who they are because their names are so normal as well as interchangeable. Having a no nonsense player's coach like Leslie Frazier come in to take over from that little sexually perverted cuckold Brad Childress is only going to help things. It's hard to really go to battle for your head coach when he's asked you be involved in tag teaming his wife while he watches through the slats of the closet door, and that really held the Vikings back the past couple years. And still they were one errant Favre pass from going to the Super Bowl. I'm not saying they'll get to the Super Bowl now, but they'll certain outperform their preseason expectations, and be a serious contender in the NFC North.
WORST CASE SCENARIO (Neil): I am so happy because the worst case scenario for the Vikings is HILARIOUS. I mean, yeah, last year was kinda the EVERYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG WILL GO WRONG year and that shit probably won’t repeat itself as absurdly as it did last season – I doubt their roof caves in again this year or that they’re held hostage by a middle aged dude’s midget dong – but then again, we’re here to discuss worst case scenarios and so, hey, why not wallow in the hilariously absurd and the absurdly hilarious? In this scenario, Donovan McNabb reveals he can’t read, Jared Allen gets busted with Filipino ladyboys and a mountain of stolen prescription pills in some seedy motel room in Idaho and once again the world of the Minnesota Vikings becomes a hillbilly circus. Maybe they’ll even trot Randy Moss out there again. Who knows? I’m just saying . . . that lockerroom has been poisoned. It still has the stink of Favre and Brad Childress and I’m pretty sure Daunte Culpepper’s ghost is still hanging around, embarrassing everyone with his stupid touchdown dance. Sure, sure, they still have Adrian Peterson and Kevin Williams and a bunch of talented dudes hanging around, but there comes a point where everything just gets too dysfunctional and you just stop giving a shit and then you’re in last place and even Lions fans are laughing at you and your stadium is collapsing and the last thing left for you to do is to snap and beat the hell out of some poor Minnesota farmer named Gustafson – in my mind they’re all named Gustafson and look like the quiet dude in Fargo – and then wind up on ESPN with a mugshot that makes you look like you were possessed by demons and Wild Turkey. I’m not saying that will definitely happen, but don’t tell me you can’t see Jared Allen’s face in that mugshot.
PLAYER TO PULL FOR (Raven): Honestly, after all he's had to go through in his professional career, I'm going to say Donovan McNabb, mostly so I could link to this classic post from the earlier days of Armchair Linebacker.
PLAYER TO HATE MOST (Neil): I’m going to cheat a little and just cut and paste what Raven Mack said about Jared Allen when we were writing the All-ACLB Team because this just about sums it up: “Jared Allen puts on this image of being a crazy redneck weirdo dude, and you would think he'd be the obvious choice for a team like this. But I don't know, something doesn't jibe with that dude. It all seems very contrived, like he's a cast member on MTV's Real World Minneapolis or something, not a for-real crazy ass redneck type who would tattoo a giant catfish eating a naked woman on his forearm saying BOTTOM FEEDER in old English letters. He does purposely choose the number 69, which is a sign that maybe he's for-real, but I don't know. I just don't trust those beady eyes of his. They're not beady in a "let's push the couch in front of the door because we've been up for four days and I'm pretty sure I hear the cops outside because those motherfuckers know about that girl in Henderson City last month" type beady eyes that make sense because you've been there; it's that shifty beady eyes of a guy who buys canning jars at Target to have a "moonshine party" where you really are just drinking vodka or gin, the beady little eyes of a used car dealer, not a meth dealer. Meth dealers do not lie to you - in fact, they are brutally honest. Used car dealers are fucking scum, even the good ones you went to high school with. So that's why I chose John Abraham, because we don't need a guy like Jared Allen around.” There you have it.
BEST NAME ON TEAM: Conan Amituanai. I am Raven and I choose these names, though for whatever reason I never label that, but anyone who reads my football babble knows I have a Samoan player fetish, and that just goes through the roof when they are named after Presidents (like Reagan Maui'a) or mythical warriors or medieval beasts or something like that. So this dude wins.
IN A PERFECT WORLD (Neil): In a perfect world, the Vikings would embarrass both themselves and everyone in Minnesota, go 0-16, have their shitty stadium bulldozed and then their idiot Viking mascot would be paraded naked through the streets of Detroit, maybe in one of those wheeled cages like the Romans used to use whenever they would display a conquered chieftain. I realize I am perhaps overfond of dudes being paraded naked through the streets of Detroit, and perhaps this says something about me, something weird and deranged and indecent, but I make no apologies for it. Were the ancient Romans weird and deranged and indecent? Wait . . . that’s a bad example. Okay, fine, that motherfucker could wear a loincloth or maybe a diaper. Yeah, put him in a diaper and parade him through the streets of Detroit. Maybe he could have a pacifier in his mouth and . . . yeah, you’re right, that is somehow even worse. I just want Lions fans to have a chance to throw rocks and shit at that lame dude who dresses up like an actual Viking for Vikings game. If that’s wrong then fuck you, I don’t want to be right.
PROGNOSIS (Raven): Donovan McNabb sucks, but not enough to outright suck. Just enough to go 7-9.

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