Sunday, September 21, 2008

Another week, another meltdown

When you've been a Bears fan for as long as I have, you get so used to the feeling of impending doom that it's no longer a scary thing anymore. Whether they're completely sputtering or firing on all cylinders, deep down, you just know deep down in your heart what the eventual result will be. Every now and then, you're wrong, like the way I was at halftime of the NFC Championship a while back, when they actually increased a lead for a change. But most of the time - like this week - the end is never a surprise. And that's how it was this week. When the Bucs kicked a field goal to bring the game within a touchdown, instead of thinking "oh well, we've still got the lead, just hold on and we've got them," I was thinking "well crap, that's it; wonder how the fantasy team's doing." It almost makes me envious of fans of the truly no-hope shittiest teams out there, because at least they have no room for faint glimmers of hope. If being a Lions fan is like being trapped in a concentration camp, being a Bears fan is like being trapped in a concentration camp, having the guards run up to you all excited-like, telling you they're about to let you go home, then yanking you back three feet from the exit and going, "ha ha ha, sike," and repeating this process about once every other week or so. It's psychological torture taken to the utmost degree. Anyway, speaking of bi-weekly psychological torture, here are some observations:

- I think Brandon Lloyd playing like an actual NFL receiver for a change threw the space-time continuum out of whack, and the Bears loss was necessary to right the natural order and keep us from being sucked into some sort of black vortex of death. When Peanut got that late unnecessary roughness penalty, he did it to save us all.

- I think Rashied Davis sucked so bad today because God heard me talk him up in a blog post a couple weeks ago, and everyone knows God hates me.

- Mike Brown: STILL not out for the year. Holy shit.

- I'm starting to wonder if the reason Mark Anderson didn't do anything last year wasn't so much because he needed to be a third-down situational pass-rusher instead of a starter, but because 2006 was a fluke, and he just isn't very good.

- Watching the way the Bears defense blew the hell up after the offense actually won the time-of-possession battle for once makes me almost morbidly curious to see how things get once the offense melts down and the D has to stay out there for 49 minutes a game. They'll have to find some way to fit oxygen masks to their helmets, which might actually be kinda cool since they'd look like a football version of the dude from all those Sodom album covers.

- The post-game interviews on WBBM were surreal as fuck. The radio guy kept asking all these questions in this somber "Owen Hart has fallen from the rafters, folks" voice, Nathan Vasher was sounding pretty upset and Tommie Harris seemed to be on the brink of either tears or violence, and after each interview, he cheerfully announced all the free gifts these players are getting from their sponsors as a reward for getting interviewed or some shit. Which begs the question of what Tommie Harris and his damn $40 million contract needs with a $200 gift certificate to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. Also, he might have done okay in the second half, but if Kyle Orton throws a pick-six in a game they lose by less than a touchdown, you shouldn't give the motherfucker a certificate for a free Movado watch.

- Matt Forte looks like he could be in the running for Rookie of the Year, which is going to make it that much more heart breaking in a few weeks, when his ligaments give out after running or catching the ball 76 times in a single game.

- I think I'm gonna get a parrot and teach him to just say, "three and out, three and out, three and out," over and over, and I'm gonna name him Ron Turner. Then, I'm gonna feed him to the cat.

1 comment:

Harpo said...

It really would be awesome if someone went to a Bears game dressed as Pedo Bear.