The Lions play the Packers on Sunday, and I don’t know what the fuck to say. I mean, maybe if . . . ouch! Jesus! Something just hit me in the head. I’m feeling dizzy, and . . . and . . . what’s going on? Where am I? Doc . . . Doc Brown, is that you? Just close my eyes and . . . and . . .
Man, what a season! The Lions are 10-4, coming off of a two touchdown win over the Jets, a tough win against the Bears and a twenty point ass-kicking of the Vikings, and man, I gotta tell ya, I think 1991 might be our year. In all, the Lions have won 4 in a row, and even though we usually struggle in Green Bay, I think we can pull this one out.
After all, we’ve got Barry, or as I’ve started to call him – St. Barry. That little dude is just electric, isn’t he? I mean, after his rookie season, I knew our future was bright, but I didn’t realize it would be this sunshiny happy this soon, you know? It’s like I’m living a dream. And this is only his third season, and he’s only, what? 23? The sky is the limit here. Yes, sir. He’s unstoppable and he’s only going to get better.
He’s so good that we have managed to ride a workmanlike combination of Rodney Peete and Erik Kramer at quarterback all the way to the top. Neither one of them are world beaters, but with Barry running wild it doesn’t really matter. Kramer is the better of the two and all he needs to do is keep the opposing defense honest and we should be fine.
Of course, this is all just a preamble for the day when Andre Ware is ready to take the keys to this Ferrari and drive us into a hyperspeed world filled with candy and blowjobs. Jesus! Can you even imagine how awesome it’s going to be to have two Heisman winners in the backfield at the same time? If you think the offense looks good now, just imagine them scoring 40-50 points a game and making fools out of the rest of the league. Barry could average 200 yards a game because defenses are going to be so terrified of getting shredded by Andre. Man, I’m not even kidding.
But that’s all in the future. In the here and in the now, the Lions look pretty damn good too. Like I said, all Kramer has to do is keep defenses honest so Barry can run wild. He’s done that so far, taking advantage of what feels like a billion different receivers in the Lions Run and Shoot offense. Whether it’s Robert Clark or Willie Green or Brett Perriman or hell, even Mike Farr, it seems like there’s always somebody open. Oh man, I can’t wait until Herman Moore gets going and Andre is at the helm of this beast, but again, I’m getting ahead of myself.
So . . . the offense? Pretty damn good. I’m still kinda worried about the offensive line holding up after Mike Utley decided to stage his sit-in, but it seems to have actually galvanized the team. Ken Dallafior is playing pretty well in his place, and besides, we still have Lomas Brown, Kevin Glover, and of course, Erik Andolsek. As long as that trio is together and healthy (And alive. Why did I just say that?) then everything should be fine, not only for the remainder of this season, but for years to come.
Defensively, the Lions are tough and filled with playmakers fueled by the almighty Swagger. Indeed. Ray Crockett and William White have proven that they can make the big play whenever it’s needed in the secondary, which is the perfect complement to the hard hitting, solid blue collar play of Jerry Ball, Chris Spielman and Bennie Blades. Those three are the heart of this defense. They give the Lions a Pro Bowl caliber player on every level defensively and in a lot of ways they are the backbone of this team. When St. Barry and the offense are struggling - hey, it happens, just like Halley’s Comet happens every 76 years or whatever the fuck it is – the defense is there to step up and slug it out with the other team. And hey, in a slugfest, I’ll take Spielman, Ball and Blades over anybody you can throw at us.
So, yeah, the Lions seem to be there – wherever that ambiguous “there” is anyway – and it’s happened quicker than a lot of us thought. I never thought I would say this but I like Wayne Fontes. Sure, the dude is kinda goofy and he looks like he should be wearing a bib covered in spaghetti sauce or getting shaken down by Henry, Tommy and Jimmy in Goodfellas, but he knows how to do the rah rah shit and he does a good job letting his assistants do their thing – the Run and Shoot is the offense of the ‘90s – so hey, fuck it, when things are good, why find reasons to complain?
Old Man Eddie Murray and Jim Arnold are holding down the kicking jobs, Mel Gray is Mel Gray, and the future is so fucking bright, I gotta wear shades (By the way, have you seen the previews for that new movie, Kuffs, starring Christian Slater, that opens next month? It has that stupid “Future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades” song in the preview, but Christian Slater kicks ass. He’s the Nicholson of his generation. I saw Robin Hood three times in the theater and even though Kevin Costner is the biggest start in the world, Slater stole every scene the two of them were in. And don’t even get me started on Young Guns II or, shit, Pump up the Volume. I’ll end up rambling on for a billion years. Talk hard, motherfuckers! Dude’s gonna win, like, 8 Oscars.) This team has it all and it’s only going to get better.
That’s bad news for the Packers this week. They’re fucking terrible. They’re 3-11, Don Majkowski has looked like ass and they have been forced to rely upon Mike Tomczak at quarterback (Tomczak!). Obviously this is a team that has no present, no future, nothing but the grim march of death that they have been on for the better part of the last two decades. Seriously, when was the last time the Packers were truly relevant? Vince Lombardi and Bart Starr? Shit, you might as well just say the Civil War. That’s how long ago it feels like those dudes were around. It’s not like they have some sort of savior just waiting in the wings, ready to lead them for the next twenty years. There are no icons there, no potential superstars, just a glut of mediocre shitheads. I guess maybe Majkowski could rebound and be the 4,000 yard bomber he was a couple of years ago, but that’s about the only hope the Packers have for the future. I mean, who else is there? Tomczak? Ha ha ha! Blair fucking Kiel? Please. I mean, I guess they could trade for somebody after the season, but really, who’s out there? I don’t know, maybe they’ll get lucky with some young gunslinger and . . . Jesus, I just got a weird chill and I feel kinda uncomfortable and for some reason a picture of a miniature dick just flashed in my mind. What the fuck is going on? Let’s just move on.
Anyway, even if the Packers somehow manage to miraculously rebuild their shitty team in the offseason, none of that is going to help them this week. Like I said, their offense is terrible – Sterling Sharpe seems like the only halfway decent player they have –which is kind of a problem because aside from Tony Bennett at outside linebacker, the Packers defense looks like an expansion team’s. Bennett does one thing well – rush the passer, but with St. Barry running the ball, he should be effectively neutralized, meaning that the Packers hopes rest on Tomczak getting the ball somehow to Sterling Sharpe on offense and then praying that Fate will somehow cause these two teams to switch souls. Because, Jesus, these are two teams heading in completely opposite directions. The Lions look like the team of the ‘90s and the Packers, well, the Packers look like the team of the 1890’s, which is pretty much the last time they were any good.
This should be a glorious and triumphant asskicking, one that should presage a million asskickings to come over the next decade or so. The Packers should take this time to acclimate themselves to the idea that they are about to spend the foreseeable future as the Lions bitch. Damn, I am so excited. I can’t wait for the playoffs to get here, but I guess this week, I’ll just have to be content with watching the Lions beat the shit out of the Packers. Yeah, I think I can live with that.
FIVE NO DOUBT TERRIBLE PREDICTIONS
1. Kramer will be efficient, throwing the ball only 20 times, but completing 14 of them for 195 yards and 2 touchdowns.
2. St. Barry will run for 220 yards on 35 carries and 3 touchdowns, and he’ll prove once and for all that he can run on any surface in any weather.
3. No one Lions receiver will dominate, as Kramer will spread the ball around. No one will catch more than 4 passes, but at least 5 different receivers will catch 2 passes, including Herman Moore, who will make at least one big play and get us even more excited for the future.
4. Whoever the Packers trot out at quarterback – Majkowski, Tomczak, Kiel, Bart Starr’s corpse – will struggle. He’ll complete 12 of 27 passes for 165 yards, with 1 touchdown and 3 interceptions. Get used to that shit, Packers fans, because no one is walking around that corner to save the day. You guys are straight fuuuuucked.
5. Sterling Sharpe will catch 7 of those 12 passes for 110 yards and the 1 touchdown, and then he’ll punch out a badger after the game when he realizes that this is his fate. He is destined to be the one decent player on a team filled with shit. His numbers will never be what they could be because he’ll never have the quarterback that he deserves. I’m sorry, I’m trying hard not to laugh. It’s not nice to be arrogant. I’m just so excited, you know?
PREDICTED FINAL SCORE: LIONS 35, PACKERS 10.