Basking In The Glow Of Victory

I'll knock that stupid hat right off your head.

I feel like I'm getting better at these. Of course, this means that next week, I will be hilariously wrong about everything, but for this week anyway, I feel like patting myself on the back a little bit. A couple of the predictions were a little off - the first one especially - but a couple of them were frighteningly accurate and if Nostradamus were here, I would punch that sad old bastard right in the jaw and tell him to shine my shoes or pick up my laundry because I'm the real deal. I'm the new hotness and he's just a decrepit old windbag who needs to know his place.

I have no idea what I'm even babbling about. You see, that Gorilla Malaria I came down with last week has decided to make a Hulk Hogan like comeback, complete with bulging eyes, head shaking and finger pointing and even though I keep trying to kick his ass, he just shakes off my blows and then beats the hell out of me in his underwear. Fuck him.

Anyway, yeah, I'm afraid that there may be points where I simply don't make sense. This is because I feel vaguely delirious. I know, I know, how is that any different than usual? Congratulations, you've made a funny at my expense. Wait . . . who am I arguing with? Jesus. Let's just get on with this.

PREDICTION THE FIRST: Best will have the first 100 yard rushing game of his career, running for 126 yards on 23 carries. He'll also catch 5 passes for 55 yards and will account for 2 touchdowns total.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Best ran for 67 yards on 18 carries, which isn't all that good. He also caught 4 passes for 37 yards, and I'll say I was close enough on that one. He didn't score, though, so fuck that, I guess.

Best's longest play all day was a 22 yard reception. His longest run was 12 yards. He was largely kept in check by the Rams defense but it never really felt like he was struggling, did it? He was always there, always a constant threat that they had to account for, and in that respect, he did his job. Besides, it's hard to say that anyone struggled when the final score is 44-6. God, it feels good to be able to write that.

I thought that the Lions would go conservative and try to run the ball down the Rams throat with Best. I was wrong. Instead, they picked up where they left off in the Packers game and attacked the Rams defense with what I termed last week their Scoring Offense.

The majority of people will tell you that is somehow proper to establish the run. They tend to feel that this establishes a certain physical dominance over the other team and allows you to control the clock. They also say that this will then allow you to later take a deep shot down the field with the pass once the safeties inch towards the line in order to stuff the run.

Still others will tell you that you have to pass to set up the run. They feel that this will force the defense to play back on its heels which will then allow the running backs to shoot through enormous lanes.

My philosophy is do whatever the hell works. Marrying yourself to a particular ideal - whether it's one that favors the run or one that favors the pass - is obstinate and foolish. It misses the point entirely - which is to win games - in favor of pleasing an aesthetic. Most coaches fall into this trap. They have to win their way because it validates the way that they see the game. Whether its Lloyd Carr running and running and running or Mike Martz ordering the quarterback to throw until his arm falls off, eventually this becomes tiresome, all too predictable and turns everyone involved, from the team as a whole to the coach himself, into a sort of caricature of what they once were. They become a living cartoon, noisy and easily identifiable, but ultimately harmless. Predictability can kill you dead as a coach and marrying yourself too severely to any philosophy will ultimately lead to that end.

That's why the last two weeks have made me so happy as a Lions fan. The team has seemingly adopted a Whatever Works strategy when it comes to moving the ball and scoring points. They don't seem to be married to the idea of establishing either the run or the pass. The only idea that they seem to be married to is winning and I love that.

Jahvid Best's numbers weren't the best but that really wasn't the point. The point is that his presence alone forced the Rams to account for him. Just by virtue of being on the field, the game was opened up for the rest of the Lions offense. That's a weapon, and as everyone who grew up during the Cold War knows, sometimes just having a weapon is enough. You don't have to actually use it to scare the shit out of your opponent. Yes, I just compared Jahvid Best to a nuclear weapon. Is that going overboard? Yeah, probably, but fuck it, my team just won 44-6. I can get as stupid as I want.

PREDICTION THE SECOND: Hill will complete 25-38 passes for 210 yards, two touchdowns and 1 interception.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Hill completed 21 of 32 passes for 227 yards, three touchdowns and 0 interceptions.

Damn. I kinda nailed this one, didn't I?

The truth is, though, is that had the game been closer, Hill's numbers probably would have been even better. Once the game was safely in hand, the Lions could pull back on the throttle a bit, which ended up depressing all of their offensive numbers a bit. But the final numbers are the final numbers and those numbers are damn close to what I predicted. And even though they were somewhat depressed by the realities of the game, they were pretty damn good anyway.

Again, this is all a result of the Lions coaches marrying themselves to the philosophy of winning and attacking via their Scoring Offense. They didn't worry about Hill making mistakes and let him throw the ball and make plays.

The mistake that is often made by people who are reluctant to throw the ball is thinking that the only way to throw the ball is downfield in a high risk/high reward manner. The truth is that you don't have to do this if you want to pass. You can work underneath, using your tight ends and running backs - of Hill's 21 completions, 13 went to those dudes - and then take your shot downfield. In effect, it works much the same way that a strong running game does, by controlling the clock and forcing the other team's safeties to move down closer to the line in order to take away the underneath stuff. This will then theoretically open up the field for deeper passes.

I'll admit, I complained a bit the first few weeks about the offense. I just didn't quite see what they were going for. In my defense, this is because, for the most part, it didn't seem to be working. Well, aside from the first half of the game against the Eagles anyway. And like I said, I'm a dude who believes in whatever works. But the last couple of weeks, things seemed to have clicked offensively and I can see how all the pieces fit into place. At some point in the game against the Packers, I fell in love with the Lions two tight end system. Both Brandon Pettigrew and Tony Scheffler have been integral parts of the passing game this season and it's possible that when the season's over both of them will have 80 receptions. I wouldn't say it's probable, but it's possible and that really is a staggering stat when you think about it.

Two tight ends on the same team catching 80 passes in a season is something that I'm pretty sure has never been done before, and it's something that makes me confident that the Lions coaches are forward thinking and on the edge of a new idea. It's an idea that seems to marry Martz's pass happy approach to the more conservative chew the clock and keep things safe approach. It's a tough thing for defenses to defend. It forces them to make plays in space and tackle well, which is always the biggest issue for almost any defense, no matter how good.

I think one of the reasons why this has seemed to click into place in the past couple of weeks is because Shaun Hill has probably finally become comfortable with all of his receivers. He's been the starter for a month now and in that time, his command over the offense has visibly grown just about every week. He looked good against the Packers, and then this week, he looked like the man out there, picking apart the Rams defense on his way to a passer rating of 117.6.

I'm really excited to see what this offense can do once Matthew Stafford comes back, but for the first time, thanks to Hill, it doesn't seem so imperative that Stafford hurries back. Stafford is the man, but Hill has proven himself to be a quality NFL quarterback. I trust him now, and I trust this offense. Of course, there is always the possibility that they will hilariously and tragically implode next week, a possibility that seems all too likely when you consider the fact that we are Lions fans and the world hates us, but for now, fuck it, I'm happy.

PREDICTION THE THIRD: Calvin Johnson will catch 6 passes for 95 yards and 1 touchdown. I will start calling him St. Calvin again in my head but will be too afraid to publicly re-anoint him here.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Calvin caught 4 passes for 54 yards and 1 touchdown. But what the stats don't show is that he drew another penalty and very nearly came down with a huge touchdown even though he was draped in Rams defensive backs. There were whole sequences in that game where he just took over, even if he didn't actually come down with the ball.

So, yeah, the numbers still aren't where they should be but damn it, Calvin looked like St. Calvin out there. The Rams couldn't cover him and that was that.

I'm still not all that happy with the way that he's used, but it's tough to complain after a 44-6 shitkicking, you know? Still, I think the Lions could try to get him involved more via screens and other "safe" throws that would allow him to use his athleticism to make a play after the catch. This would fit nicely into what they already seem to be trying to do offensively and anything that gets the ball into Calvin's hands more is a good thing.

(By the way, I am ignoring the possibility that Calvin could be seriously injured because fuck that, that's why. Don't we have to deal with enough bullshit as Lions fans without having this turd tossed into our punch bowl? So, as far as I'm concerned, Calvin is fine. He was just wrapping his shoulder up during the game so that Matthew Stafford wouldn't feel so alone. That Calvin Johnson, he's such a good friend.)

I was delighted to see the Lions use the strategy several times of "Fuck it, let's just throw it up to Calvin and let him make a play." He's an absolute beast in the red zone. He's got 4 touchdowns so far this season and should actually have 6 or 7. Once the Lions figure out how to use him more effectively and then marry that to what they're already doing with Best and Pettigrew and Scheffler, this offense could be unstoppable.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go change my panties.

PREDICTION THE FOURTH: Bradford will complete 19 of 36 passes for 225 yards with 1 touchdown and 2 interceptions. He'll spend the game getting battered by the defensive line and will end up eating 4 sacks. Ndamukong Suh will end up getting penalized for losing his shit and smearing Bradford's blood all over his chest after stripping down to his waist for the second half. The refs will be too afraid to stop Suh as he plays the game half naked and racks up 2 sacks.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Bradford completed 23 of 45 passes for 215 yards. He failed to throw a touchdown pass and did indeed throw two interceptions.

Alright, I feel like I absolutely nailed this one. The only thing that I was wrong about was the number of sacks, as Bradford was only dropped once. But the defense did do a good job of getting pressure on him. They beat him up a bit and forced him into making some bad throws. Also, Suh did lose his helmet on a play so clearly I was on to something when I said that he was going to strip down for the second half. Also, he metaphorically smeared Bradford's blood all over his chest when he tipped a pass to himself, caught it and then rumbled down the field while Bradford hung his head in shame and everyone in St. Louis wretched with disgust and then wept when they realized that the best player in the draft was playing in Detroit and not for their carpetbagger franchise.

But what was also encouraging was the play of the Lions secondary. I, uh, don't want to jinx anything, but there may actually be the framework of a workable defensive backfield in place here. It's not exactly what I would call good yet, but the Lions haven't given up a touchdown on defense in six quarters and a big part of that is because the secondary - particularly the cornerbacks - have been playing with swagger and making big plays. Alphonso Smith looks like an absolute fucking steal right now. So far this season, he has as many catches (3) as Dan Gronkowski, the dude he was traded for. Which isn't that big of a deal until you consider that Smith is a cornerback while Gronkowski is a tight end.

It was great to see Ndamukong Suh celebrating after ceremonially pissing all over Bradford, Corey Williams celebrating after making another huge play, and then Smith putting an exclamation point on the whole night by giving us the gift of The Carlton.

All three of those dudes are new this season. And they're not the only ones making plays. Chris Houston came up with two big interceptions on the same drive against the Packers last week. Of course, one was taken away thanks to a penalty, but he just shrugged and picked off another pass a couple of plays later. Kyle Vanden Bosch has consistently been hanging out in opponent's backfields all season, and even though sometimes this is because he has been because he has decided to start running before the play has started, which the refs tend to frown upon, he has made an obvious impact on the defense as a whole.

The only ones who don't seem to be pulling their weight right now appear to be the linebackers. That's partially because DeAndre Levy has been hurt, but it's also because Zack Follett is a seventh round special teams star more than he is a starting linebacker. I think things will improve here once Levy gets back in the lineup but Follett is Follett and there's not much we can do about that right now.

There are still plenty of weaknesses, but things are looking like they might finally be snapping into place. I didn't mean for this to turn into a State of the Defense kind of thing, but man, I kinda had to talk about it a little after 44-6, right?

Anyway, Sam Bradford is dead and Ndamukong Suh sits perched on the edge of a cliff, naked and howling. There is blood on his hands, and the world trembles with fear at the sound of his fell voice. And like so much else right now as a Lions fan, that makes me happy.

PREDICTION THE FIFTH: Jackson will run for 95 yards on 24 carries. He'll be mostly contained and after the game he will be forced to pay homage to The Great Willie Young, who will arrive on the field on a white horse carried by a team of midget strippers who are all at least distantly related to Don Juan de Austria, Willie's old friend and whoring companion.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Jackson ran for 114 yards on 25 carries.

Eh, close enough. This is especially true because Jackson actually gained a bunch of his yards after the game was wrapped up and the Lions were content to just let the Rams run the ball into oblivion. Of course, you could say that was the case for most of the second half. And I will say that because, God, it just feels so good.

I did hear a rumor that after the game, The Great Willie Young did arrive via a white horse while trumpets blared and thunder cracked. This was after most of the fans had already left, but the lucky few who remained witnessed a beaten Jackson falling to his knees and begging The Great Willie Young for forgiveness. I can't say for sure what happened next, but I did hear a hazy story involving midgets, chains and the reanimated corpse of Don Juan de Austria. I have also uncovered evidence that seems to suggest that Steven Jackson was present at the Battle of Lepanto, possibly even serving as Don Juan de Austria's personal bodyguard as a way to pay off his debt to The Great Willie Young, but that can't be substantiated at this time. And since such a thing would involve an explanation of the relationship between space and time and wormholes and DeLoreans, I'll just say that maybe it happened and maybe it didn't and leave it at that.